Log [Alison, Haroun] Past and Present...

[x-dazzler.livejournal.com]

Wednesday afternoon. Alison decides that it's time to revisit a topic she was distracted from the last time Haroun broached it. This time, however, they talk it through.

Haroun looked at Alison askance. She was up on her own two feet, which was good, but he was still concerned that she was slower than she should be, wobblier than she should be. So he was making a point of sticking close by her, in case her innards - the one he did violent insult to - decided to make an issue of things.

The 'watching her like a hawk' behavior had abated at touch since yesterday. Barely. Maybe. And it she understood why Haroun was doing this, entirely so, even if she felt fine and should be fit as a fiddle by the next day. "Haroun?" Heading towards the couch which had been piled high with pillows and cushions, to the point of being a hazard in that anyone trying to sit on it would slip right off or drown, Alison nudged a few on the ground before settling in and making one of those 'c'mere now' gestures she'd picked up from him in his direction.

Haroun eyed her askance and then scooted over to be next to her. "Why are you looking at me in that tone of voice?" he asked her lightly. "You feeling OK? You need to sit down?" he asked her, trying to get a feel for her physical stability.

"I feel fine. I just wanted to talk to you." And well, having him near was a nice bonus. She tugged him closer, submitting to being fussed over as they sat without any qualms. She could be agreeable about being fussed over – most particularly when telling him not to would only result in him trying to redirect the fussing into something else. "You know, we never finished that talk..."

Haroun plopped himself down next to Alison. "Which talk? The oh God, Yes, Oh God, YES, OWWWW!" talk, or the "Hi, honey, how was your day?" talk?" he asked with a bit of a grin on his face. "Because the former conversation is over, but we could resume the latter if you wanted..."

That he could joke about it was a good sign, she decided, startled laughter escaping her as she pulled him closer and she started to settle against him, indulging in a little bit of draping of self over him in the process. "Yes, we could. There's still a few things there we probably should clear up, or at least talk about a little more... Talking's good, right?"

Mmm. An arm-full of Alison. There were worse fates. "Talking is always good in the long term. Short-term it might hurt, but in the long term it's all good, baby." he said with a grin and a laugh. "So what's on your mind?"

"Remember what we were talking about?" She loved it when he smiled like that, the thought leading to a light touch of his cheek, pure reflex. "I think it's important that we resume that discussion and wrap it up." She smiled a bit crookedly – it hadn't been essential that it all be done now, so long as they did in a reasonable time frame. Not being so rushed to fix everything now and drown in things was a nice feeling.

"I was telling you about my day. Sparring with Hank, soaking my aching muscles." he said confusedly. "What more was there to tell? I mean, I don't get why you dated him in the first place, but I'm not required to understand it. His loss is my gain."

"Because you were comparing." Unwittingly so, inevitably so, but he had been. She probably would have too, in his place, she acknowledged to herself. "But there's no basis for it. What you bring to this is all uniquely you. Just like Hank did at the time and then we went our separate ways. As much because of me than him." The story of her romantic life, or so it felt. She was determined to not let that happen again, ever. "And understanding is always good. I don't want you to brush off your questions or your feelings on stuff either. It's easy to let stuff slip until the small things all pile up and go boom." She waggled her fingers a bit at the last words.

"Well, since we're sitting here talking and all that - why did you go your separate ways? Was he just insane?" he asked with another laugh. "I mean, to let someone like you slip through his fingers - what a tragedy. Well, a blessing for me, but still."

"It was a mutual decision, Haroun," she murmured, and somehow talking about this wasn't that bad. "A combination of distance and both our careers being in high swing and demanding a lot of attention. Sorting out priorities and... and I still wonder sometimes if it wasn't my fault somehow, like every other relationship I've had suddenly either going wrong or fizzling away and I'm still scared of that sometimes." She blinked a bit at her sudden shift into that particular area, and shook her head. "We decided we worked out better as friends. And that's been proven time and time again since, too. I wouldn't be here if he hadn't called me when things got too dangerous back then. When I had to retire." She said the last word with a certain edge, suspecting she always would really.

Haroun just shook his head. "Unbelievable." is all he said, though. A few minutes later, after thinking it through, he shrugged at her. "He didn't want it badly enough." he pronounced.

"And neither did I?" Alison asked the question softly, giving Haroun a quiet look. "Sometimes you can want something so badly it hurts, it doesn't mean you get it. I'm just as responsible for things changing, moving on to something else." She paused, and her expression changed, oddly vulnerable and slightly tinged with fear. "I don't want that to happen again."

"If he wanted it badly enough, he wouldn't have given up. I'm a pretty passionate guy, at least I like to think I am. I dragged myself through fire and death to be here today. With you. If you want something, if you know it is really what you want, then you can let nothing stop you." he said firmly.

There was no answer for a time, Alison watching him, a tiny smile starting to take shape on her lips. Reaching up she brushed the back of her hand against his cheek, perfectly content with being exactly where she was, feeling the slight pressure of his arms around her tightening slightly. "It's what made me really stop and realize that I was falling in love with you. That. Your passion for life, you willingness to live it to the utmost. It's... awe. That's what I felt at the time, too. Awe." And if part of that passion meant he was entirely unwilling to let go easily of her, Alison was entirely unwilling to complain about it.

"Now you're embarrassing me." he said, but his eyes were bright and he had a goofy grin on his face. "So, to drag this back on-topic – what happened with the two of you anyway? You don't, maybe, still have a thing for him, do you?" he asked worriedly. "I mean, I know you guys are still warm to each other and all..."

"Love faded to friendship." That was it, in a nutshell. "And he's still my friend – nothing more, but nothing less. I love him as a friend, but I'm not in love with him." Alison bit her lip, and decided that as a singer and song writer, she was most certainly allowed to be as mushy as she desired. "My heart looks only to you."

"Mushball." he said with an affectionate grin and a blush. "Now you're just trying to get my goat." he added. "But hey, I'm sorry that it just kinda faded away like that. Love should burn hot and strong, not fade into cold embers." he said, displaying a rare poetical streak for him.

"Yeaaah, I'm a mushball," Alison conceded, purring slightly over the words and most certainly not about to take him to task over it. She was too busy enjoying it. "Tell you what. When I get too mushy and all, you can claim an extra sparring session or something to balance it out." It occurred to her, before making the offer, that it might even earn her many a more mushball moment, too.

"Yeah, but I thought you liked it when I spent time up in our suite and not just in the Danger Room!" he teased. "So I'm guessing I'm in no danger of being thrown over for Multiple Ph.D-boy and his amazing body hair?" he guessed with a small not-entirely-funny-ha-ha laugh.

"No. You're not." She knew Haroun was as insecure as she was about their relationship - but being confronted with it still surprised her, now and then. It never occurred to specify that he wouldn’t eve if Hank weren't in a relationship already, since it was a moot point one way or another in any event to her. "You're not in danger of being thrown over for anyone." It was on the tip of her tongue to ask the same question back, but she didn't, instead snuggling up carefully a bit closer, if it was at all possible.

Haroun grinned. He had a feeling that's what she would say, but it was still sweet music to his ears to hear it, to have it confirmed. Instead, he just hugged her to him, hard, for just a second before letting her go. "Thank you." he said quietly. "Now c'mon, enough with the serious stuff. I'm hungry."

That was cheating. And Alison's stomach rumbled merrily in agreement, even though Haroun had spent all day making sure she had, among other things, enough to eat. "Mmm. Okay. I could be talking into food." She then grinned, just a little bit. "But that means you have to get up. And here I am, all comfy and stuff."

"Then stay there and I'll bring us something. What are you in the mood for?" he asked with a grin. It was good to see her color, her spirit come back. He was worried about her, worried that he had damaged something precious. Now, he felt that he didn't have to worry about that risk any more.