Amanda, Nathan - Wednesday evening
May. 25th, 2005 07:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsFollowing this scene in her journal Amanda answers Nathan's summons, expecting a lecture on keeping her temper. She gets a present instead. He finds out just what's bothering her so much.
Nathan looked up well before the rather aggressive-sounding knock at the door. "Come on in, Amanda," he called, wondering at the lack-of-Meggan. Ah, well, he thought, looking down at the small boxes on the coffee table in front of him. Amanda could always take Meggan's back with her.
She hadn't meant to knock quite so hard, but she'd made the mistake of reading Catseye's last comment, and she was seething. Bloody smug know-it-all moggie. How tired she was of everyone knowing better than her, from Forge and his suggestions that Meggan wasn't learning to talk well enough, to Catseye parading Amanda's lack of knowledge to all and sundry. The very thought made her grind her teeth with frustration. And now a bollocking from Nathan about the whole mess, no doubt. Still, better to get it over and done with - it was why she'd left Meg with Kitty and Lockheed a little longer. Meggan didn't need a brainful of Amanda's anger. Neither did Manuel - she was filtering as much as she could through the link. Hey," she said, letting herself in at Nathan's call. She crossed her arms over her chest, all the better to restrain herself from hitting something. It was very tempting right now.
Nathan raised an eyebrow at the curt response, but smiled at her, giving the door a telekinetic nudge shut. "Presents?" he suggested whimsically. "You'll have to take Meg's back with you. We were careful and didn't choose anything she could break easily." He tilted his head at the look on her face. "Come on and sit down," he said gently, patting the spot next to him on the couch. "You're not here so I can read you the riot act, mi'caehla. Don't worry."
"You're not?" Amanda sighed. Another thing she'd gotten wrong - to be honest, she hadn't really understood _what_ Nathan's post had been about, let alone the talk about history and the Inquisition not being so bad after all… She flopped onto the couch, leaning forward and burying her face in her hands. "'M such a fuckin' pillock," she said with feeling. Not even the offer of presents was enough to make her feel better. "I don't even know why this is gettin' to me so much."
"Stress. Pride. Probably a lot of things," Nathan said, a bit wryly. "Haven't we talked before about stepping away from the journals when you're angry?" He reached out and laid a hand gently on her shoulder. "Take a deep breath," he suggested. "You don't have to think it all through now. You just need to try and step back. Whatever the reasons, the emotions aren't really going to help you resolve it."
"It just makes me so fuckin' mad when I can't say what I mean an' then people jump over one little point an' make me out t' be some sort of... fuck, I don't even know. Doesn't help I've got Catseye bein' her usual smug self all over me journal. 'Cats know everythin', hah." She made a derisive snort. "Must be nice, bein' right all the time an' never havin' t' admit you're a fuck up." She was too tense to lean into Nathan as she might have ordinarily done, and she didn't uncover her face just yet. "I was havin' fun, yesterday, with that talk in Lee's journal? Didn't take it hugely seriously, got t' talk 'bout somethin' I thought I actually knew about for a change, a bit of muckin' about with Angie... Then people have t' start takin' it seriously an' callin' me a bigot an' now I don't know which end's up."
Nathan shook his head slowly. "You know," he said, "you really have come a long ways with the reading and writing since you got here. But a text-based medium still isn't where you want to be carrying out a discussion that's at all charged." He chuckled softly. "Brilliant writers can be badly misunderstood on something like our journals. People who are in total control of the nuance of every word they use... or who think they are." He bit his lip, thoughtfully. "What do you think would have happened if you'd gone to Catseye or Forge and talked to them face-to-face about this sort of thing? If you'd been able to look them in the eye, see their reactions. Rather than just react to their words."
"Catseye probably would have thwapped me an' told me I was a
SillyKitten again," Amanda said, still disgruntled. "Forge... I dunno. He seemed pretty sure of what he was sayin', an' I was wrong any way."
"Think about it for a second," Nathan said, leaning forward so that he could see her face. "You're better face-to-face. You catch subtleties more easily than you do with written stuff. That's your strength... and in a sense, your flexibility, too. I think," he concluded contemplatively, "you would have had a lot more options in that conversation if it had been face-to-face. Something to keep in mind for the next time? Although I also get why you felt the need to make the 'retraction' in the same forum where the original issue came up." He gave her a lopsided grin. "Still."
"I was wrong - I didn't have t' say but it seemed only fair t' tell people I was," she said, finally straightening and rubbing her forehead fretfully. "Only I couldn't even do that right - had t' have people bouncin' up t' tell me so, too." Making a low noise of frustration she contemplated her feet, clad in the scuffed Doc Martens. "Kit had it right," she said at last. "'S stupid, but bein' a witch, the history an' all... 's what I _know_. Or I thought I did. Yeah, I've found me family an' all, but there's no connection there, not really. Margali was tryin' t' make me understand all the family history an' the rest, an' I just didn't get it. But the magic? That I get." She fell silent for a short while, and just as Nathan was about to speak again, she said, apparently appropos of nothing. "I had me Arabic final today."
Nathan didn't comment on the first part of that; the debate was over and done with, in any case, and what was important here and now was her reaction. What was going on in her head. And the revelation that was her last comment, too. "Didn't go so well?" he prodded gently.
A rather bitter sounding snort came from her. "I answered maybe... five questions? So much for me great gift with languages, huh?"
Nathan looked down at her for a long moment, thinking. "Do you blame yourself?" he asked. "For not getting through your courses this year, I mean."
"Who else can I fuckin' well blame, Nate?" Now she looked at him, eyes still dark and stormy. "Meggan for takin' up so much time? Pete? Manuel? You an' the rest for gettin' hurt?" She shook her head, a short, angry movement. "Everyone else here has had just as hard a year - Clarice is workin' full time just about and _she's_ managing. Forge lost a whole bloody arm not more 'n a month ago! An' they're doin' fine!" Another brief snort of bitter laughter. "This time it really is down t' me."
"Good," Nathan said simply, then, before she could do more than begin to react, went on. "No, this isn't going to be one of those lectures. But you can't start moving forward again until you recognize that it is on your shoulders." He tilted his head. "I have this image of you as being carried along by the flood of events, this year," he said quietly. "Just swept away by the water. But if you're reaching out to try and pull yourself out, Amanda, that's a start. And in the final analysis, even if you've lost time this year? You're eighteen years old. You can spare it." He smiled a little. "I know you want to get a handle on everything," he said, even more softly. "For her, and for your own sake. But it's not going to happen overnight, and you can't get bogged down in what you should have done or how you wanted things to be. No do-overs, remember."
"I knew it was gunna be like this," she said with a sigh. "I bollocksed everythin' up an' I was gunna use the summer t' try an' sort it out, make next term a fresh start, y'know? But 's one thing t' think that, an' another t' be sittin' there in class with a paper in front of you an' knowin' it's gunna come back with al Rashid's smart arse bloody comments all over it." She bit her lip. "Languages is the only thing I'm good at, school-wise, an' I'm havin' t' give 'em up any way. Just would've been nice t' continue as I'd started."
Nathan made a mental comment to talk to Haroun. Being tough was one thing, but you had to temper that with awareness of individual circumstances. If Haroun didn't like the critique... well, Haroun wasn't going to like the critique, he knew that without having to think very hard about it, but he would listen. "You do have a gift for languages," he said. "Otherwise you wouldn't be able to pick them up as easily at this age. It means that you'd be able to go back to them later and still be successful. Maybe don't think of it as giving them up, but rather putting them on hold." He sighed, leaning back into the couch. "You still have to find something you'll want to do, when you decide what you're going to focus on now. Sure, it's got to be practical, because you've got other considerations, but the only thing that sticking to something practical that you loathe for her sake will wind up doing is making you resent her. And you don't want that."
"No." Amanda's reply was more definite than anything else she'd said so far. "I don't want that - I talked t' Wanda, there's some classes with the local community college, youth work. Only I need t; pass high school. An' get a decent grade."
"Then that's what you do. I can tell you're having a hard time not getting discouraged, but... what is, is," he said, offering a half-smile to soften it. "You can't go back and fix what got you into this situation, so the only thing to do is keep pushing on. Make sure that you've got your eye on the goal, rather than the potholes along the way." He paused, his smile growing, turning wry. "I suck at the pep talk. I never pretended otherwise." He laid a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. "Soon as I know what I'm teaching this summer, I'll let you know. And interestingly enough, I am leaning towards the practical."
This time she did lean into him, resting her head against his shoulder with another sigh and swallowing hard, trying not to cry as the tension drained out of her. "I've already sorted some classes with Wanda. English an' Maths, t' get me up t' scratch, an' Psychology, for the social worker type stuff. I still don't know if I'm gunna be any good at it, but at least the summer'll give me a chance t' try it out an' see." No travel for her this summer - besides, it wasn't like she had anywhere to go. Romany was so distracted, and while it would be a good idea to have Meggan visit the caravan with Kurt, Amanda needed space from Margali - things had gotten tense the last visit. And the Pack was off-limits, for various reasons. "The rest of the time I can concentrate on Meggan, get her up t' speed for school herself. She still needs t' learn t' talk proper." As had been pointed out by Forge, she thought with a stab of irritation. She really needed to learn to take suggestions as that, not criticism.
"Remember what I said," Nathan pointed out, gently but firmly. "Don't hold on too tight. In the end it's only important that you do what needs doing for her when it needs doing. If the idea comes from you, if it comes from someone else... all that's important is that you take it and run with it." He put his arm around her shoulders, giving her a quick, fierce hug. "The pride's natural at first, especially in a situation like yours. After a while it'll sting less, though."
"No fair - you're cheatin' again," she pointed out with a faint smile. "Bein' told I'm doin' somethin' wrong shouldn't bother me so much - I've had that me whole bloody life. Just... if I'm doin' the wrong thing with Meg, then it's not me that's sufferin', an' that makes me look like a monster. Or I might be over-reactin' a bit," she conceded, curling into the hug slightly. It was nice, having someone to hug her and tell her she wasn't fucking up bigtime. Nice to not have to be a grownup for a few minutes. "You mentioned presents?" she said, in an effort to distract him away from those last thoughts - her shielding was shite right now, and she knew she was broadcasting.
Nathan heard them, but opted not to let on that he had. The dichotomy there was the same thing that had come up when he and Remy had talked, and he hadn't had any sudden flashes of inspiration as to a solution since then. Apart from the ones that he knew she wouldn't consider.
"Presents," he said, floating the larger of the two boxes over to her lap. "You know, Moira sent me home with all of them? She claimed that being telekinetic I could carry the extra luggage more easily. I suppose she probably has a point."
"You're the one that can juggle tanks, remember?" Amanda teased, trying for a more normal tone and managing a reasonable facsimile. The box was heavy in her lap, and she wondered what could be in it. Tearing the wrapping paper off in strips, as was her wont (she was always too impatient for careful unwrapping) she lifted the lid off and made a small, awed sound. Nestled in many layers of tissue paper were half a dozen glass bottles with stoppers, streaks and swirls of bright colours decorating the glass. "Wow."
"Moira's idea. For your potions," Nathan said. "Although I helped pick the colors." He smiled, his eyes flickering back to the other three, smaller boxes. "Various things for Meg," he said. "One breakable, the others not so much. We really did kind of go nuts all around in Murano, but it really was just about the only shopping we actually did, so..."
"These are perfect," Amanda said, carefully setting the box beside her on the couch before hugging him properly. "Somethin' for the witch who has everythin'." Releasing him, she nodded at the boxes. "Meg's with Kitty an' Lockheed right now. Want me t' go get her so you get t' see her react to her presents? 'S the best part."
"Sure. Something to share down the link with Moira when she gets back," Nathan said with a chuckle, glad to see her lightened expression. Maybe nothing had changed, but she needed to remember that the weight she'd taken on didn't have to be crushing every moment of the day. It would help her outlook enormously, he suspected.
"Be back in a sec," Amanda promised, giving him another hug before she got up off the couch. "Thanks for listenin' t' me rant," she murmured. "Guess I'll just chalk this one up t' that whole learning curve an' move on, yeah?"
"~Learn and move forward,~" Nathan replied in Askani, simply. There were other things he could have said, other proverbs, if nothing else. But he thought that would do for now.
Nathan looked up well before the rather aggressive-sounding knock at the door. "Come on in, Amanda," he called, wondering at the lack-of-Meggan. Ah, well, he thought, looking down at the small boxes on the coffee table in front of him. Amanda could always take Meggan's back with her.
She hadn't meant to knock quite so hard, but she'd made the mistake of reading Catseye's last comment, and she was seething. Bloody smug know-it-all moggie. How tired she was of everyone knowing better than her, from Forge and his suggestions that Meggan wasn't learning to talk well enough, to Catseye parading Amanda's lack of knowledge to all and sundry. The very thought made her grind her teeth with frustration. And now a bollocking from Nathan about the whole mess, no doubt. Still, better to get it over and done with - it was why she'd left Meg with Kitty and Lockheed a little longer. Meggan didn't need a brainful of Amanda's anger. Neither did Manuel - she was filtering as much as she could through the link. Hey," she said, letting herself in at Nathan's call. She crossed her arms over her chest, all the better to restrain herself from hitting something. It was very tempting right now.
Nathan raised an eyebrow at the curt response, but smiled at her, giving the door a telekinetic nudge shut. "Presents?" he suggested whimsically. "You'll have to take Meg's back with you. We were careful and didn't choose anything she could break easily." He tilted his head at the look on her face. "Come on and sit down," he said gently, patting the spot next to him on the couch. "You're not here so I can read you the riot act, mi'caehla. Don't worry."
"You're not?" Amanda sighed. Another thing she'd gotten wrong - to be honest, she hadn't really understood _what_ Nathan's post had been about, let alone the talk about history and the Inquisition not being so bad after all… She flopped onto the couch, leaning forward and burying her face in her hands. "'M such a fuckin' pillock," she said with feeling. Not even the offer of presents was enough to make her feel better. "I don't even know why this is gettin' to me so much."
"Stress. Pride. Probably a lot of things," Nathan said, a bit wryly. "Haven't we talked before about stepping away from the journals when you're angry?" He reached out and laid a hand gently on her shoulder. "Take a deep breath," he suggested. "You don't have to think it all through now. You just need to try and step back. Whatever the reasons, the emotions aren't really going to help you resolve it."
"It just makes me so fuckin' mad when I can't say what I mean an' then people jump over one little point an' make me out t' be some sort of... fuck, I don't even know. Doesn't help I've got Catseye bein' her usual smug self all over me journal. 'Cats know everythin', hah." She made a derisive snort. "Must be nice, bein' right all the time an' never havin' t' admit you're a fuck up." She was too tense to lean into Nathan as she might have ordinarily done, and she didn't uncover her face just yet. "I was havin' fun, yesterday, with that talk in Lee's journal? Didn't take it hugely seriously, got t' talk 'bout somethin' I thought I actually knew about for a change, a bit of muckin' about with Angie... Then people have t' start takin' it seriously an' callin' me a bigot an' now I don't know which end's up."
Nathan shook his head slowly. "You know," he said, "you really have come a long ways with the reading and writing since you got here. But a text-based medium still isn't where you want to be carrying out a discussion that's at all charged." He chuckled softly. "Brilliant writers can be badly misunderstood on something like our journals. People who are in total control of the nuance of every word they use... or who think they are." He bit his lip, thoughtfully. "What do you think would have happened if you'd gone to Catseye or Forge and talked to them face-to-face about this sort of thing? If you'd been able to look them in the eye, see their reactions. Rather than just react to their words."
"Catseye probably would have thwapped me an' told me I was a
SillyKitten again," Amanda said, still disgruntled. "Forge... I dunno. He seemed pretty sure of what he was sayin', an' I was wrong any way."
"Think about it for a second," Nathan said, leaning forward so that he could see her face. "You're better face-to-face. You catch subtleties more easily than you do with written stuff. That's your strength... and in a sense, your flexibility, too. I think," he concluded contemplatively, "you would have had a lot more options in that conversation if it had been face-to-face. Something to keep in mind for the next time? Although I also get why you felt the need to make the 'retraction' in the same forum where the original issue came up." He gave her a lopsided grin. "Still."
"I was wrong - I didn't have t' say but it seemed only fair t' tell people I was," she said, finally straightening and rubbing her forehead fretfully. "Only I couldn't even do that right - had t' have people bouncin' up t' tell me so, too." Making a low noise of frustration she contemplated her feet, clad in the scuffed Doc Martens. "Kit had it right," she said at last. "'S stupid, but bein' a witch, the history an' all... 's what I _know_. Or I thought I did. Yeah, I've found me family an' all, but there's no connection there, not really. Margali was tryin' t' make me understand all the family history an' the rest, an' I just didn't get it. But the magic? That I get." She fell silent for a short while, and just as Nathan was about to speak again, she said, apparently appropos of nothing. "I had me Arabic final today."
Nathan didn't comment on the first part of that; the debate was over and done with, in any case, and what was important here and now was her reaction. What was going on in her head. And the revelation that was her last comment, too. "Didn't go so well?" he prodded gently.
A rather bitter sounding snort came from her. "I answered maybe... five questions? So much for me great gift with languages, huh?"
Nathan looked down at her for a long moment, thinking. "Do you blame yourself?" he asked. "For not getting through your courses this year, I mean."
"Who else can I fuckin' well blame, Nate?" Now she looked at him, eyes still dark and stormy. "Meggan for takin' up so much time? Pete? Manuel? You an' the rest for gettin' hurt?" She shook her head, a short, angry movement. "Everyone else here has had just as hard a year - Clarice is workin' full time just about and _she's_ managing. Forge lost a whole bloody arm not more 'n a month ago! An' they're doin' fine!" Another brief snort of bitter laughter. "This time it really is down t' me."
"Good," Nathan said simply, then, before she could do more than begin to react, went on. "No, this isn't going to be one of those lectures. But you can't start moving forward again until you recognize that it is on your shoulders." He tilted his head. "I have this image of you as being carried along by the flood of events, this year," he said quietly. "Just swept away by the water. But if you're reaching out to try and pull yourself out, Amanda, that's a start. And in the final analysis, even if you've lost time this year? You're eighteen years old. You can spare it." He smiled a little. "I know you want to get a handle on everything," he said, even more softly. "For her, and for your own sake. But it's not going to happen overnight, and you can't get bogged down in what you should have done or how you wanted things to be. No do-overs, remember."
"I knew it was gunna be like this," she said with a sigh. "I bollocksed everythin' up an' I was gunna use the summer t' try an' sort it out, make next term a fresh start, y'know? But 's one thing t' think that, an' another t' be sittin' there in class with a paper in front of you an' knowin' it's gunna come back with al Rashid's smart arse bloody comments all over it." She bit her lip. "Languages is the only thing I'm good at, school-wise, an' I'm havin' t' give 'em up any way. Just would've been nice t' continue as I'd started."
Nathan made a mental comment to talk to Haroun. Being tough was one thing, but you had to temper that with awareness of individual circumstances. If Haroun didn't like the critique... well, Haroun wasn't going to like the critique, he knew that without having to think very hard about it, but he would listen. "You do have a gift for languages," he said. "Otherwise you wouldn't be able to pick them up as easily at this age. It means that you'd be able to go back to them later and still be successful. Maybe don't think of it as giving them up, but rather putting them on hold." He sighed, leaning back into the couch. "You still have to find something you'll want to do, when you decide what you're going to focus on now. Sure, it's got to be practical, because you've got other considerations, but the only thing that sticking to something practical that you loathe for her sake will wind up doing is making you resent her. And you don't want that."
"No." Amanda's reply was more definite than anything else she'd said so far. "I don't want that - I talked t' Wanda, there's some classes with the local community college, youth work. Only I need t; pass high school. An' get a decent grade."
"Then that's what you do. I can tell you're having a hard time not getting discouraged, but... what is, is," he said, offering a half-smile to soften it. "You can't go back and fix what got you into this situation, so the only thing to do is keep pushing on. Make sure that you've got your eye on the goal, rather than the potholes along the way." He paused, his smile growing, turning wry. "I suck at the pep talk. I never pretended otherwise." He laid a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. "Soon as I know what I'm teaching this summer, I'll let you know. And interestingly enough, I am leaning towards the practical."
This time she did lean into him, resting her head against his shoulder with another sigh and swallowing hard, trying not to cry as the tension drained out of her. "I've already sorted some classes with Wanda. English an' Maths, t' get me up t' scratch, an' Psychology, for the social worker type stuff. I still don't know if I'm gunna be any good at it, but at least the summer'll give me a chance t' try it out an' see." No travel for her this summer - besides, it wasn't like she had anywhere to go. Romany was so distracted, and while it would be a good idea to have Meggan visit the caravan with Kurt, Amanda needed space from Margali - things had gotten tense the last visit. And the Pack was off-limits, for various reasons. "The rest of the time I can concentrate on Meggan, get her up t' speed for school herself. She still needs t' learn t' talk proper." As had been pointed out by Forge, she thought with a stab of irritation. She really needed to learn to take suggestions as that, not criticism.
"Remember what I said," Nathan pointed out, gently but firmly. "Don't hold on too tight. In the end it's only important that you do what needs doing for her when it needs doing. If the idea comes from you, if it comes from someone else... all that's important is that you take it and run with it." He put his arm around her shoulders, giving her a quick, fierce hug. "The pride's natural at first, especially in a situation like yours. After a while it'll sting less, though."
"No fair - you're cheatin' again," she pointed out with a faint smile. "Bein' told I'm doin' somethin' wrong shouldn't bother me so much - I've had that me whole bloody life. Just... if I'm doin' the wrong thing with Meg, then it's not me that's sufferin', an' that makes me look like a monster. Or I might be over-reactin' a bit," she conceded, curling into the hug slightly. It was nice, having someone to hug her and tell her she wasn't fucking up bigtime. Nice to not have to be a grownup for a few minutes. "You mentioned presents?" she said, in an effort to distract him away from those last thoughts - her shielding was shite right now, and she knew she was broadcasting.
Nathan heard them, but opted not to let on that he had. The dichotomy there was the same thing that had come up when he and Remy had talked, and he hadn't had any sudden flashes of inspiration as to a solution since then. Apart from the ones that he knew she wouldn't consider.
"Presents," he said, floating the larger of the two boxes over to her lap. "You know, Moira sent me home with all of them? She claimed that being telekinetic I could carry the extra luggage more easily. I suppose she probably has a point."
"You're the one that can juggle tanks, remember?" Amanda teased, trying for a more normal tone and managing a reasonable facsimile. The box was heavy in her lap, and she wondered what could be in it. Tearing the wrapping paper off in strips, as was her wont (she was always too impatient for careful unwrapping) she lifted the lid off and made a small, awed sound. Nestled in many layers of tissue paper were half a dozen glass bottles with stoppers, streaks and swirls of bright colours decorating the glass. "Wow."
"Moira's idea. For your potions," Nathan said. "Although I helped pick the colors." He smiled, his eyes flickering back to the other three, smaller boxes. "Various things for Meg," he said. "One breakable, the others not so much. We really did kind of go nuts all around in Murano, but it really was just about the only shopping we actually did, so..."
"These are perfect," Amanda said, carefully setting the box beside her on the couch before hugging him properly. "Somethin' for the witch who has everythin'." Releasing him, she nodded at the boxes. "Meg's with Kitty an' Lockheed right now. Want me t' go get her so you get t' see her react to her presents? 'S the best part."
"Sure. Something to share down the link with Moira when she gets back," Nathan said with a chuckle, glad to see her lightened expression. Maybe nothing had changed, but she needed to remember that the weight she'd taken on didn't have to be crushing every moment of the day. It would help her outlook enormously, he suspected.
"Be back in a sec," Amanda promised, giving him another hug before she got up off the couch. "Thanks for listenin' t' me rant," she murmured. "Guess I'll just chalk this one up t' that whole learning curve an' move on, yeah?"
"~Learn and move forward,~" Nathan replied in Askani, simply. There were other things he could have said, other proverbs, if nothing else. But he thought that would do for now.
