xp_logs | Nathan and Jack, Thursday afternoon

Three guesses as to what they're talking about today. (The first two don't count.)

"I didn't sleep last night," Nathan said, handing Jack the second cup of coffee as he sat down. He probably hadn't needed to actually admit that aloud; Jack knew him well enough by now to be able to tell. "I couldn't. My mind just wouldn't slow down." And he hadn't wanted to take a sleeping pill and risk the dreams, but that went without saying.

"Your mind has a lot on it," Jack said, taking a sip of the coffee as he watched Nathan. "And the odd night of missed sleep isn't gong to hurt, as long as you don't let it turn into a pattern."

"So what do you think?" Nathan's gaze shifted to the laptop, open on the table. He'd shown the emails to Jack, of course. Making coffee had been a good excuse to give him a few minutes to skim through them. "I'm not... sure what to think." He looked back at Jack, relaxing a little. "You don't think I lied to you, though," he said, unable to quite keep the relief out of his voice. "About my childhood, I mean. I'm glad."

"No, I don't think you lied." Jack's tone was firm. "I don't know what exactly is going on here - it's hard to get a feel for a person in a strictly text medium. But I know you didn't make up what you've told me about your childhood." Jack frowned, setting the coffee mug down and leaning forward to read Saul's reply again. "None of this fits with what you remember?" he asked. "These friends he mentioned?"

"I..." Nathan trailed off, troubled. "I remember Samuel and his parents, at the Yu'pik village. His mother tried to get me to stay with them once, but I didn't want my father to come there after me. And the other two, Thomas and Zack..." He swallowed, trying to pin down the memory. "Zack... Zachariah. I do. Very dimly, though..."

"It could be a trick, trying to win your confidence..." Jack mused. "What do your instincts tell you?"

"I really don't know," Nathan said with a sigh, sipping at his own coffee. "I'm so confused. I was so angry at that second-to-last email... I was sure he was trying to trick me, or something. But then he sent that last one and I just..." He fell silent for a long moment. "It doesn't seem quite real," he finally said, softly. "Surreal. I try to think it through, decide whether or not I..." Believe him? Or believe his own memories? "But I can't."

"Given so much in your life has been manufactured, it's understandable that things wouldn't seem real." Jack sighed, rubbing his eyes a little. "I have to admit, Nathan, I'm as confused by this as you are." He reached for the coffee again, took anothe rsip, marshalling his thoughts. "There's one way I can think of to determine the truth," he continued, after a moment.

"See him, you mean." Nathan leaned back in the chair, wrapping his hands around his mug. "I'm scared to death of the idea," he admitted, and it didn't even occur to him not to. "It's kind of crazy, isn't it? He's an old man, and there's not a damned thing he could do to me even if he wanted to."

"Logic usually fails us in the face of childhood traumas," Jack said with a wry smile. "All your life, he's been an almost mythical figure of dread, the symbol of everything in your life that did you harm. And now he's back - no matter how much you rationalise it, the fear's going to be still there." He paused again, going carefully. "I don't want to push you into doing something you don't want to, or you feel you aren't ready for, but sometimes the best way to confront an irrational fear is to face it, head on."

Nathan nodded slowly, not answering for a long moment. "And what if he's telling the truth?" he asked quietly. "What does that mean for me if I've... constructed this horror-novel childhood?" He bit his lip, not quite meeting Jack's eyes. "I think part of me believes that it could be possible. Might be an explanation for all the holes in my memory from those years."

"There's no guarantee that he is telling the truth," Jack said. "And if he is right... that doesn't necessarily mean you're in the wrong, Nathan. The amount of interference your mind has had, it's entirely possible some things might have been constructed, or warped..." He shrugged a little helplessly. "I believe you. I'm just trying to see the whole picture here."

"There's no way to tell whether or not the memories were implanted, I gather. I asked both Charles and Askani, and apparently the fact that all the old psionic scarring was cleared out in December makes it impossible to know for sure." He hesitated for a moment. "Charles is reserving judgement. He just... wants me to be careful, more than anything else. Askani, on the other hand, doesn't believe a word of it."

"Careful is good," Jack said with a slight smile. "Whatever you do, whatever you decide... don't go haring off on your own. You have support here." He considered the question of Askani's opinion. "What about your pre-cog? Is that giving you anything?"

"Generalized uneasiness and twitchy patterns, which isn't very helpful. But it hasn't ever been particularly useful on the personal level. The fact that I'm sensing anything at all..." He stopped, blinking. "Is actually kind of alarming, because that suggests there's more at work here than potential family reunions." A groan slipped out and he slouched in the chair. "Fuck, I didn't even stop to think about that. Why does my life have to be this complicated?" It came out sounding more than a little petulant, and he grimaced, rubbing at his temple with his free hand. "Okay. I'm done moaning about it. That's not productive."

"Perhaps not in the usual sense, but it does help to vent occasionally," Jack reminded him. "Bottling is bad, remember? Got your moaning done and then we can work on ways to address this. Although," he added wryly. "I'm not seeing any easy answers here."

"Whatever happens," Nathan said, almost fiercely, "whether he's telling the truth or not, I'm not letting this... knock me down. I'm not." Jack was watching him, and Nathan shifted irritably in his chair, taking another sip of his coffee. "It doesn't change me. Maybe those twelve years as I remember them were real, maybe they weren't, but there have been twenty-six other years, and I am what I am."

Jack grinned. "You know, that's a remarkably healthy way to look at it. Before you know it, you won't need me any more." Becoming a little more serious, he continued. "You're absolutely right. This," and he tapped the laptop. "This doesn't change who you are. Even if your memories aren't 100% correct, it doesn't change the man you are, the man you've made of yourself. Should you decide to follow this up, keep that in mind."

Nathan hesitated, then smiled back, a bit ruefully. "I know. I will. And you know, if it turns out he's telling the truth..." He paused, a startled look flickering across his features. "It would sort of demolish what I always believed about why I did so well at Mistra. Or finish demolishing it, rather... MacInnis admitting that surviving the conditioning was a matter of strength instead of pliability half-did the job already." Although then that would raise the question of why the Askani had been drawn to him, if he hadn't been brought up to believe what he thought he had...

"Sometimes things need to be demolished to build a stronger foundation," Jack observed. "Mistra... it was built on lies and deception. All the better to control you. Now you're free of them, it's a chance for you to get rid of the last of those misconceptions."

"I guess... I have an email to write then, don't I?"

(OOC: Thanks as always to Rossi for socking Jack!)