xp_logs | Hank, Maddie, Friday night

Hank and Maddie have an evening alone together, uninterrupted, for the first time in quite a long time. There are confessions, issues are raised and dealt with... and they finally take that next step in their relationship.

Hank was more than a little nervous. For more than one reason. In the first, this was the first time he'd left Billy with a sitter for any length of time, even if it was only a few hours. And yes, Moira was quite capable of looking after him, and had prior experience and everything, but still... it was their first real separation.

And the reason for it was just as nervewracking. He had, trying to play it safe, arranged a simple dinner and a movie in his suite. A good welcome-back for Maddie, if she was tired, as she very likely would be. Yes. Dinner, movie, and in no way was there likely to be ... anything else. No matter how many times he told himself that, though, the hope persisted. They'd been getting closer and closer, and, well, the last few times they'd been alone together without Billy awake, their kisses had gotten a bit.... intense, before they'd had to stop.

He'd given up on dignity, and was pacing, reciting snippets of Shakespeare under his breath as an attempt to soothe frazzled nerves.

Fortunately - or perhaps unfortunately since a knock on the door resulted in a whole collection of new nerves - Madelyn chose that moment to knock. She felt much more human after a shower and a clean change of clothes. She'd deliberately gone for casual, albeit nice casual: jeans and a pale green blouse with another of those scooped necklines she knew Hank appreciated. In her hands she held gifts - a plush husky toy for Billy, and a small book of poems from a local Inuit poet Wanda had pointed out to her for Hank himself. Her smile was broad and happy as Hank opened the door, and she greeted him with an enthusiastic kiss, possible onlookers be damned.

"Hi," she said when she pulled back, eyes sparkling mischievously. "Miss me?"

Hank's nerves had packed up and left sometime during the long, lingering kiss. He didn't miss them a bit. "Mmm... desperately," he murmured, giving her another quick kiss and drawing her inside. "And every minute. Did you miss me? And did you bring me something?" He gave her an admiring look. "Although your lovely self is quite gift enough. How on earth do you manage to look so beautiful right after a long trip?"

"I cheated and had a shower before coming to see you," she admitted with an abashed laugh. "Believe me, it was needed." She gave him a long look. "And you look every inch the doting, if exhausted new parent." With a smile she plucked a wisp of cotton wool from the fur behind his ear. "It's so good to see you," she continued, before remembering the gifts she'd brought. "A new friend for Billy," she said, pulling the husky out of the bag. "And some new reading material for you."

"I imagine my doting is rapidly becoming sickening... but I don't care." He smiled, capturing her hand and kissing her fingertips gently as he took the husky. "And this is absolutely adorable. He loves furry toys... at least, he flails his hands against them with more enthusiasm." He looked at the book, and smiled. "And this looks wonderful. I'm a sucker for all forms of poetry... I wrote reams and reams of it in my youth, most of it dreadful."

"Really?" Madelyn asked, but her tone was a little too innocent. There hadn't been stories told by Jean during some of the night shift changeovers, oh no.

"Yes, really. You will never see any of it. I don't want you to know my shame," Hank said solemnly. "But you must be tired," he added penitently, as her eyes flickered. "I have here food, a comfy couch, and a selection of nice quiet movies... and no baby, temporarily. Moira is watching him for the evening, so I won't have to keep bouncing up and down to tend to him." He gave her a slightly nervous look. Would she think he was presuming too much?

"Food sounds wonderful, although I have to say, I'm surprised you let Billy out of your reach," she teased gently, heading for the couch. "We'll have to make the most of it, won't we?" she added, perhaps a lot more confidently than she felt. It had been a sort of subconscious decision, but she'd decided tonight was going to be a landmark one. Another step into Relationship-Land. But before anything else could happen, she had a confession to make, and that thought was terrifying her.

"We will. And... well, as Jean pointed out, I have to let go sometime." If he wanted to keep things going with Maddie, at least. "Are you hungry? Or would you rather sit down and relax?" There was really no way he could actually suggest 'or would you rather go straight to the making out', at least not tactfully.

"Starving," she said, on surer ground here. "How about dinner, then sitting down and... relaxing?" She smiled at him again, leaning forward to kiss him. "I have missed you."

***

Dinner had been very good, and a movie put on. It had, however, gone largely unwatched as cuddling on the couch had progressed a little further than perhaps either of them had intended. But at last Madelyn planted both palms on Hank's broad chest and pushed herself away reluctantly. "Hank, just... wait a minute," she managed. Her hair was in disarray and her face flushed, her blouse having gotten untucked at some point and creeping up, exposing pale, creamy skin.

Hank nodded, sliding his hands down her slender arms to take her hands, thus keeping his own hands away from anywhere they shouldn't be. Right. Self-control. He could do that. "Of course, my dear," he said, taking a deep breath. That had been very, VERY nice, and he was absolutely not going to pout because they had to stop. "If you want to..."

"I don't want to stop..." God did she not want to stop right now. "But, before we... before anything happens, I need to tell you something." Crunch time - Madelyn looked into Hank's questioning face and nearly lost her resolve then and there; it was likely that what she had to say would destroy this whole nascent relationship of theirs, and that thought was deeply upsetting. But she owed him the truth. "It... won't very easy to hear, but I have to tell you. And I need you to promise you'll let me tell you without interrupting, or exploding at me, or anything like that." Her look was almost imploring. "Can you do that for me?"

Hank blinked. This was more serious than he'd thought... "Of course," he said softly. "You did the same for me when I told you of my feelings for you, I can hardly do less." He touched her cheek lightly, then reluctantly withdrew his hands, resting his forearms on his knees. A non-challenging posture - not putting pressure on her by touching her, but not confronting her in any way, either. "I will listen. Please tell me... whatever it is."

Madelyn pulled herself back into a sitting position on the couch, leg tucked up under her so she could face him. "About a month before you told me how felt, there was... a thing," she began, plunging straight in. Best to get this over with, quick and clean, if it was going to be over. "With Le Beau." Her face screwed up slightly with distaste at the name. "I wouldn't call it an affair, because the implies some sort of... liking for the other person, and we spent as much time fighting as we did... um, kissing. Probably more." Madelyn dropped her eyes to her lap, where she had her hands clasped together, fingers twitching nervously. "It ended well before I ever knew how you felt about me, and there's been nothing since, but I thought I should say, to be honest with you... The whole thing makes me feel so... disgusted with myself." There was a tremble to her voice at the last words. "I hope this doesn't change things between us, Hank, and I swear, it'll never happen again. I couldn't work out why for the longest time why it was happening in the first place until he said..." Biting her lip, she made herself go on. "Until he said I wanted to rebel, that being with him was a way to step outside my respectable life..." Her voice failed her then, and she bowed her head, unable to look at Hank.

Hank swallowed. That... wasn't something he'd expected. At all. Ever. It hit him like a blow to the stomach, and he was glad she wasn't looking at him, because he couldn't hide the reaction. "I... see," he said quietly. Haroun's crack about LeBeau came back to him now, and he wondered... wondered a lot of things. As well as remembering a lot of things he'd hoped would never come up again. "I... realize that it's rude, but I'd like to know... how far it went," he said, surprised at how calm he sounded. "Of course you are under no obligation to tell me."

She winced to herself at how formal, how distant his tone was. Still, what had she expected? "We... had sex just the once. In a linen closet," she admitted softly, shame burning her cheeks and ears crimson. "After that... I stopped it. I realised what I was doing, and what it was doing to me, and I didn't want to hate myself any more." At last she lifted her face, trying unsuccessfully to meet Hank's eyes. "I'm so ashamed, Hank, and sorry. I wouldn't have told you at all, only... I didn't want there to be secrets between us." And she didn't want Le Beau using the information against her later - bad enough his attempts at manipulating her at that last conversation. Attempts that had preyed on how bad she'd felt about it all and nearly convinced her to believe him.

She looked so unhappy that Hank reached out automatically to take her hand, curling his gently around it. Whether this turned out to be the end of them or not, he couldn't bear to see her so miserable."Thank you for your honesty," he said quietly. "It means a lot, believe me." He looked down at their joined hands, taking a deep, slightly unsteady breath. "Was he right?" he asked slowly, wanting desperately not to hear the answer. "About your wanting to rebel? To escape the limitations of conventional respectability?"

She knew what he was asking - whether it could happen again. "Partially," she said quietly, holding tightly onto his hand for a moment. Any letting go would have to come from him. "In a way, it was like when you're a kid, trying things you know are stupid and dangerous and bad for you, but doing it anyway because you know it's wrong. Like smoking behind the gym." The smile of wry amusement was brief and fleeting. "But just because you try something like that, have that little rebellion... it doesn't mean it's what you want." She sighed a little. "I've always had a passionate streak, Hank. It goes with the temper and the being an action junkie and the stubborness. It's a part of me. But just a part, and I'm not self-destructive enough to let it hold sway. Because that's what this thing with Le Beau was, self-destructive and ugly. I've never hated myself so much as I do when I think about it."

He took a deep breath. "Your passion is part of what draws me to you," he said quietly. "I've been an X-Man since I was eighteen, pauses for college aside... and I can't imagine ever doing anything else. I wouldn't have been nearly so drawn to you if you weren't as fiery as you are, if you didn't understand the need for adventure as well as for helping people. But... it seems that it's a drawback, too." He looked over at the bookcase, not really seeing it, just needing a neutral place to look. "I don't know how much you know, about my romantic history... do you know that Trish Tilby and I were involved, for some time, right before I came to look the way I do now?"

"Alison told me," Madelyn said, letting the comment about drawbacks go for now since Hank obviously had something of his own to tell her. She'd never claimed to be perfect, and if Hank was going to have issue with that, well, perhaps this wasn't going to work. "I know she left you after your accident, because she could handle the way you look."

Hank nodded. "We were already having... problems," he said quietly. "Trish had an ex-husband, who worked at the same TV-station she did. He was... something of a cliche, actually. Handsome, dashing, charming, militantly unreliable. She had an affair with him, while we were together. I found out, confronted her with it, and was assured it wouldn't happen again. It did. I... pretended not to know. It was cowardly, I know that, but I was very much in love with her. I hoped that he'd screw up again, the way he always had, and she'd remember why they'd separated in the first place. Then... well, I became the way I am now, and she left me." It was amazing how few words one of the most agonizing periods of his life could be boiled down to. "I... flirting and attempts at charm aside, am..." He smiled a humourless, unhappy smile. "I am, in the movie of my own life, the Bill Pullman character," he said quietly. "The good, worthy, undoubtedly nice but dull character who winds up alone, in the end. With a heartfelt apology and the assurance that he really is a great guy." He looked down at his hands. "I'd hoped that you wouldn't mind. But... now I'm afraid that I won't be enough. I know you and Haroun have flirted, and you and Le Beau... I'm not particularly exciting or fascinating, I'm certainly not devastatingly handsome... and we've more or less demonstrated that I don't exactly move you to irresistible passion." He finally looked at her, trying to keep the misery from showing on his face. "So where am I going to stand, when someone shows up who is all those things, and who isn't a socially maladjusted asshole or already taken?" he said very softly. "When you find that you can indulge that passionate side without hating yourself for it?"

Madelyn opened her mouth to speak, and then stopped herself. A snapped retort about the insult he'd just paid her, thinking she'd think so little of him, wasn't what was needed here. Not if they were going to make this work. And she wanted it to, more than anything she'd wanted in a long time, only she wasn't sure how she was ever going to convince him of that. "I'm not perfect, Hank," she said slowly. "There's drawbacks to me being the person I am, like you said. I've got a terrible temper and I'm not always the most tactful person and I get bored doing regular GP work like you wouldn't believe... But I would never hurt you. When I came to you and told you I chose you, that I wanted to try this whole dating thing, it wasn't because I felt I had to, or I was trying to atone for the thing with Remy, or settling for the nice stable life everyone expects me to take. I chose you because I wanted you. And I might be many things, but I'm not the sort of woman who makes a committment lightly. Le Beau was a one-off, a bad decision made that's never going to happen again. Haroun... he and I were friends long before he ever started dating Alison - if we were going to get together, it would have happened already. Hell, if I really wanted all that in a partner, I would have gotten it in the Bureau - there's any number of handsome, exciting bastards there. But you know what? I don't want that. I don't want them. I want you, and I wish to God I could make what happened with Remy not to have happened at all if it's going to mean that you can't trust me." Sudden tears rose in her eyes at that thought, and she blinked hard. "I'm sorry about what happened with you and Trish, Hank, but I don't know what I can say to convince you that I'm not her. That I'd never hurt you like that." Her expression was a mixture of regret and misery, with just a touch of hurt pride.

"Maddie..." He reached out, gathering her into his arms, and held her very tightly. "It's not that I don't trust you," he whispered into her hair. "I do... especially now, that you've told me what happened when you really didn't have to. I am just so very much afraid of losing you. Of not being enough for you. I'm the one I don't trust, please understand that... to keep you happy, to be enough that you don't have to look elsewhere for excitement." He swallowed hard, wishing he could erase the hurt that both he and Le Beau had caused. "It does bother me," he admitted quietly. "The... thing... between you and Le Beau. But not for the reasons I think it bothers you. I'm not especially fond of the man, but... what bothers me is that, for whatever reason, you were more attracted to him than you are to me. I had to stand up and make a speech to even get your attention, Maddie, and even then you had to think about it... and even after choosing me, there hasn't exactly been any activity in linen closets." He let out a small, rather sad laugh. "It does hurt, that I can't inspire uncontrollable passion in the woman I love, but someone else can. Maybe it's silly, but it does."

She let out a choked, hurt-sounding laugh. "Hank, when have we had time? Between disaster of the week here, and the baby, and me going off to chase up a whole lot of nothing... We've barely had time to share a meal together, let alone tear each other's clothes off." She didn't pull away, though - that would have been the worst reaction she could have had. "I haven't been launching myself at you because I didn't want to rush this. You're an amazing man, and I haven't felt like this about anyone for a very long time, and I didn't want to push too hard and mess things up like I usually do - you wouldn't believe the number of men I've dated for a while, and then as soon as things get physical, they're gone. This is different, and to launch myself at you within five minutes of dating would have made it just as meaningless as the thing with Le Beau." Finally raising her head from where she'd had it buried in his chest, she looked him squarely in the eyes. "You didn't think I took time to think about things because I didn't want to make another mistake? I respect you - and Kurt, for that matter - far too much for that. I needed that time to decide whether I trusted myself, to think about what Le Beau said. And you know what? He was dead wrong. The only reason I've thought about him is to remind myself what a horrible person I was to let somethign like that happen. You really think I'd put myself through that sort of contempt again just for a cheap thrill?"

Hank stroked a tangle of hair back from her forehead. "Firstly, you are not a horrible person," he said softly. "At worst, you made a mistake. And... I could still find it in my heart to wish that I could inspire unthinking passion in you, but I am glad that you held back because you wanted this to work." He rested his forehead lightly against hers, closing his eyes for a moment and just basking in her nearness. "I haven't really handled this well. Let me try again," he said softly, lifting his head and looking into her eyes. "Maddie... I have absolutely no intention of disappearing once things get physical. I am not horrified or put off by your brief episode of chemical attraction with Le Beau... I haven't reached my thirties without one or two truly appalling choices of one-night-stand, with Infectia standing as Exhibit A. I'm insecure about my ability to keep your heart, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try." He smiled a little. "And I love you," he finished, saying it for the first time since that impassioned speech in the gym. "I love you, and I want to be with you for as long as you'll have me."

Madelyn's response was to lean in and kiss him. Not gently, not sweetly, but with all the passion and wanting she'd been carefully holding in check all these weeks. When she finally pulled away, they were both breathing faster. "I hope you're in for a long haul then," she murmured, smiling a little. "Because I love you too, and I definitely don't want you going anywhere just yet." Her words were tinged with humour, but every note held sincerity. "And now, I think it's time we stopped being so damn careful and got to the clothes tearing off, don't you?"

"I am definitely in for a long haul," he said, grinning. The night was suddenly looking up again. Quite a lot. He stood up, and before she could do the same, scooped her up in his arms. "You, however, are getting way ahead of yourself," he said mock-sternly. "First we have to get to the bedroom, which has a large, comfortable bed. I respect you far too much to tear your clothes off for the first time on a mere couch." He kissed her again, until they were both quite out of breath, before heading towards the bedroom. "And of course, you do realize that my masculine ego is still smarting. I shall have to exert myself to the utmost to impress you so much that you never look at another man again." He grinned down at her as he opened the door. "Not that I wouldn't have anyway."

* * *

It was quite some time later - and the time had passed very pleasantly indeed - when Hank shifted and winced a little as they snuggled. "Ow," he said involuntarily, and then he grinned, remembering the cause of the discomfort.

Madelyn lifted her head from where she'd been snuggled against his shoulder. "Ow? Ow's not good. Why ow?" Okay, there were supposed to be more words in there, like verbs, but it was a bit hard to drag her functioning brain back from the Happy Place.

Hank grinned some more, snuggling her affectionately. "You pulled out some of my fur, I think," he admitted. "On my back. While you were... ah... clutching at it at a certain moment." He knew he sounded smug, but he couldn't help it. His best had apparently been pretty good.

"Oh." The light was dim, but not so dim that Madelyn's blush wasn't visible. Burying her crimson face in his fur, she said in a small voice: "I guess I got a bit carried away. Sorry?"

Hank chuckled, kissing the top of her head affectionately. "My dear, I am very proud of myself for getting you that carried away. And you're adorable when you blush, did you know that?"

She giggled at that, lifting her face to kiss him. "I think the word 'wow' covers things nicely. And I swear, you'd think I was adorable if I didn't shower for a week."

Hank returned the kiss lingeringly. "Wow is a very good word. I like 'wow' very much. And I would indeed. I mean, how could I not adore a woman who gives me such a good reason to shower with her?" He tickled her side gently. "Which we can do, incidentally, if you'd like to at some point - I have that special Giant Sized bathroom because my shoulders wouldn't fit into the regular-sized tub and stall."

With a grin, Madelyn stretched, cat-like, running her foot down his leg. "You're impossible," she said, making a contented noise and cuddling closer. "Completely and utterly besotted." It wasn't necessarily a bad feeling, but it was a little frightening - she could hurt him so badly with a wrong word or deed. LIke she'd almost done already tonight. She pushed the thought away, wanting to keep hold of the warm and fuzzy. "I like the shower idea. But not yet. I'm comfy here."

"So am I. Very comfy." He tickled her side just a little bit, kissing her temple. "And yes, entirely besotted. Which is entirely your fault for going around being wantonly and unnecessarily brilliant, fascinating, willful, sweet, charming, adventurous, AND beautiful." He smiled down at her. "I love you, tiger. Fur-pulling tendencies and all."

"It's a hell of a lot to live up to, all that." She batted playfully at the tickling hand, squeaking a little, although she'd never admit it. "And the feeling's mutual - you're one amazing man, Doctor McCoy. Brilliant, funny, sweet... not to mention _very_ talented." She said the last with a wicked grin and a poke with her finger into his side.

"I do my best," Hank said rather smugly. "Give me another few minutes, and I can probably do it again." He hugged her gently. "And... I'm sorry," he said softly. "For overreacting, earlier. I shouldn't have made that harder for you than it already was." Maybe he shouldn't bring it up, but... well. Better that than to let the issues raised fester. They really hadn't dealt with everything...

"You were entitled to take it badly," she said quietly, shifting her head to his shoulder again so he couldn't see her face. It made it easier to talk to him about it, not being able to see his expression. Before had been bad enough. "And you had every right to make it hard on me. It was a stupid, hurtful thing I did."

"No, dearest," he said gently, hugging her close. "I won't argue that it wasn't stupid... but believe me, you're not even in the first dozen people around here to have an... inappropriate chemical attraction... during times of stress. With the kind of pressure we all operate under... it happens." He smiled ruefully. "At least you didn't go out and pick him up at a party in hopes of getting laid. I'm ashamed to admit it, but that's more or less what happened with Infectia - mind you, I wasn't the one doing the picking up, but I didn't protest it either."

"I'm guessing Infectia didn't encapsulate everything you hate and take great pains to take pot shots at everything you are, though," Madelyn said softly. "And if she had, I doubt you would have... let things escalate." The self loathing in her voice was obvious. "I'm not sure what that says about me."

He held her tightly, kissing the top of her head. "That you have your moments of self-doubt, like the rest of us," he said softly. Did he approve? Hell no. Did he wish he hadn't happened? Certainly. But he couldn't listen to the self-loathing in her voice without trying to help. "At least he didn't actively try to enslave and kill you." He sighed, stroking her back gently. "I wish I could help more," he said wistfully. "If it helps... as much as a blow as it might have been to my own ego, it certainly didn't lower my opinion of you... or make me love you an iota less."

She shivered slightly at the barest hint of claws brushing her skin. "You didn't know what Infectia was. I knew exactly what Remy is. There's a difference." She sighed and shifted a little. "And I can't see how it can't not lower your opinion of me, Hank. You seem to think I'm this perfect goddess. the way you talk about me sometimes. It's a hell of a lot to live up to, and I'm afraid I'm going to let you down badly. I'd never even look at anyone else now I'm with you, but there's still a lot about me that's far from perfect."

Hank laughed softly. "I like that you're imperfect," he admitted. "This... I'm not happy about it, I admit, and it hurt my ego to say the least... but I've done some very, very stupid things in my time. I love you, and I think you're a wonderful woman, but... I feel guilty for thinking it, but it does help to know at least one Very Stupid Thing that you've done. Goddesses are all very well, but they're rather unattainable. A flawed but wonderful mortal woman... that I, imperfect as I am myself, can attain." He kissed her gently. "Your flaws make you human, and all the more loveable."

"I'll remind you of that the next time you're lecturing me about taking risks," she said with a faint snort, but some of the tension eased from her muscles. Propping herself up on her elbow, she looked down at him, a hint of worry still hovering in her expression. "It frightened me a little," she murmured. "Seeing how much it hurt you. That's a hell of a lot of responsibility, knowing I can hurt someone like that."

"It's part of loving someone," Hank said softly. "It makes it easy for them to hurt you... and for you to hurt them. It's worth it, I think." He touched her cheek, absorbing the beauty of her in the dim, gentle light. "And... well, my self-esteem is still somewhat on the shaky side. It has been for many years, and that's something I'll do my best to keep separate from my relationship with you. I don't want you to feel as if you're... well. Required to boost my ego." He smiled a bit sadly. "I certainly don't want to hurt you with it anymore."

"I think it was that part that made me avoid loving someone for so long," Madelyn admitted, tilting her face into the touch on her cheek, a loose russet curl tumbling down to brush his face. "The hurt. Not for me, but for them." She smiled ruefully. "You might not have noticed, but I can be a real bitch sometimes. But I'll try and keep it in check."

"I like that you are, though. I mean, I imagine I won't always enjoy it at the time... but like I said. Being less than perfect makes you even more loveable." He twined the curl around his broad finger. "And I really prefer fighting immediately over something than letting it stew for months until you suddenly explode like a volcano. I've known people like that, and it's very unpleasant. Immediate bitching is greatly to be preferred... and ultimately, it's less painful. Less room for self-doubt to creep in." He smiled up at her. "I think, if we stick to the previously instituted policy of complete honesty about our relationship, we'll be all right."

"Now here you go being all logical at me," she teased, smiling. "But you have a deal." Madelyn leaned down to kiss him lingeringly, to seal it, resting her hand on his broad chest. "So, when do you need to go get Billy?" she asked, nuzzling along the line of his jaw to his ear, intentions blatantly clear.

"Mmm... definitely within the next hour," he murmured, hands starting to wander a bit. "But an hour is a long time, if you use it right..." He paused, and just held her close for a moment. "I'll understand if you don't - you must be exhausted, and he cries fairly frequently still - but I'd very much like for you to stay the night," he said softly.

"You're fogetting, I'm the Queen of Broken Sleep, remember?" she chuckled hooking her leg over his, the movement bringing her entire length against him. "And I wouldn't dream of sleeping anywhere else tonight. You and Billy are a package, and I'm more than happy to take both. Besides," she added, biting her ear gently. "It has to happen some time. Or was this a one-time only deal?" Her tone was clearly teasing now. "Talking of tough expectations to live up to."

"I was hoping more for a 'as often as possible' deal," he agreed, grinning against her lips as he kissed her. "With the 'whenever, wherever' option." His hands started roaming again. He was a fast learner, and he'd done some extensive exploring earlier. "Now. About that... fifty-six minutes we have left..."