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xp_logsHaroun spends a little time out under the night sky to try to deal with the enormity of Fixing Alison. He's not coping very well, but luckily for him Nathan happens to come along and give him some words of encouragement. Set after the Haroun/Lorna lunch-chat log.
--
Haroun sighed deeply as he sat out on the back lawn, under the wide-open sky. He desperately needed some time away, to get his metaphorical feet under him, but there had been one hit after another. Alison's breakdown. Paige. Lorna. He hadn't had time to breathe, to even start to try to process it all, and right now he felt that his shoulders were a little narrow and a little weak to be bearing this sort of a burden. He couldn't even talk to his imam about it, as the details were classified need-to-know.
Nathan had come back from his lunch meeting with Saul needing some quality unwinding time quite badly. Spending most of the afternoon deep in a meditative state, nothing in his mind but the patterns, had been precisely the ticket, and he felt... steady, again. Still oversensitized, and still somewhat fatigued, but more or less put back together into the shape that he should be.
Maybe that was why, on his way out for a few evening laps in the pool, he was drawn instead to the definite unsteadiness in the mind of the man sitting on the lawn. Sighing, Nathan flipped his towel back over his shoulder and went over to sit down beside Haroun on the grass.
"I'd ask you if you were all right, but it would be a dumb question."
"Called it in one." he said bitterly. "It's been a rough day." He opened his mind to Nathan, to show him exactly what had transpired through his day. Nathan was on the need-to-know list, having been there when it all went down, so there was no risk. "Real rough. I'm not sure if I'm up to handling this the way it needs to be handled."
"Why?" Nathan asked simply, to get Haroun to lay it out not so much for him, but for himself. Sometimes it helped.
"Because watching her self-destruct is ripping me up inside." he said quietly. "She's got an anger in her that's clawing away at her. I'm there for her as much as I can be, but I worry that I'm not getting through."
"Haroun..." Nathan sighed. "It's been two, three days. If she's angry... she's actually making a hell of a lot of progress. Most people would still be in shock at this point. Have you thought of it that way?"
Haroun nodded. "Yeah, I have." he said. "I know she's doing amazingly well all things considered. Still doesn't mean I have to like watching it from the inside, so to speak. I've been where she is." he elaborated. "I know exactly how she feels."
"So have I," Nathan pointed out quietly, then thought for a minute. "Did I ever tell you about the prison in North Korea?" he asked, knowing Haroun would know there was a point coming, not just an anecdote.
Haroun shook his head. "Nope." he said. "At least she's got something external to focus on. With me, all that was turned inwards."
"Job went bad, and Dom, GW, and I all wound up in a place that they had set-up for keeping mutants in custody. Inhibiting tech and all," Nathan said after a moment. "We were there for a couple of weeks. Wasn't good, to put it mildly. And the fact that all three of us were there... it complicated things afterwards, hugely. Because we were the ones who would have been there for each other, had it just been one of us who'd gone through that." Nathan stretched his leg out as it protested against resuming the cross-legged position he'd kept all afternoon. "Alison's support structure, on the other hand, is intact," he said after a moment. "You're not alone in what you're doing."
Haroun nodded. "Yeah. But she's adamant about keeping the in-the-know circle as tight as possible. Which just leaves those of us who were there at the time. I got grilled by her _best friend_, and I had to sit there, smile, and lie to her. Shit, I still feel dirty for that one."
"Why?" Nathan asked again. "See, this I don't get... why does anyone have the right to know, if Alison doesn't want them to know? Why should we feel guilty about keeping this close, when that's what she needs?"
"Because it's _Lorna_." he said with frustration. "She could help Alison out tremendously. She could even help _me_ out in my attempts to deal." he said. "But I had to keep her on the outside."
"So what, would be my reply to your first point that," Nathan said calmly. "Alison doesn't want her to know - right now. Maybe down the line a little. As for helping you... yeah, she probably could, and if you believe that she could, I am sorry that she's not on the need-to-know list." Nathan poked Haroun in the shoulder lightly. "But there are enough of us who are. If you didn't want to talk to me, you could talk to Charles. Or Scott, or Jean. I'm not sure I'd recommend talking to Cain, but I doubt he'd slam the door in your face if you tried."
Haroun barked out a laugh at that idea. "Yeah, right. I'm not in the mood to have my arms ripped out of their sockets." He then sobered for a second. "Scott's my CO, but he's not my _friend_. I barely know Doctor Grey. Cain will, as we said, kill me. I'm talking to you now." he said with a small smile.
"Which is a good step," Nathan said with an answering smile, "and a constructive one, insert more positive reinforcement here." He shook his head a little at his own flippancy, rubbing at the bullet scar on his leg. "I think," he said after a moment, "this is all about her not wanting to see herself as a victim. The need to keep what happened from becoming the school's latest horror story."
Haroun nodded. "That's exactly what it is." he said. "Seems obvious to me. She doesn't want to be a victim. She's struggling to deal with what was done to her. And she absolutely doesn't want to be the latest freak on the 5PM Mansion News Hour."
"So, that leaves us to help her in the way she wants helping-" So long as she keeps dealing, Nathan thought to himself, but then, Charles would be watching for any problems there. "-and to deal with our own reactions as we can." He looked up at Haroun. "So what are you feeling right now?"
"I'm so blindingly pissed-off at Sabertooth that I want to cram enough Willie-Pete up his ass to light my way to Heaven." he said pleasantly, as if telling a joke. "I want his head on a pole and his balls on a plate. I want to break every bone in his body over and over again for what he did to Alison."
"And yet you're still here. Not off hunting him down to carry out that very pleasant mental image." Nathan waited, deliberately, until Haroun met his eyes. "Which," he went on, more softly, "is a temptation. I know. But you're here, focusing on her, and that's what she needs right now. Not Creed's balls on a plate." He looked away again, a faint, not entirely pleasant smile playing on his lips. "Although I wouldn't be surprised if part of her didn't want that already. Still."
Haroun nodded shakily. "Yeah, I know. She needs me here. But I want to be out there. Hunting him down. Or if not me, then one of you. Cain, or you, or Scott, or Jean, or anybody. He's a rabid animal, and he needs to be put out of sanction. Now."
"Catch-22," Nathan said with a sigh. "If he surfaces again... he is one of Magneto's, and that'd be reason enough. But we can't all of a sudden start waging a concerted campaign to bring him down without a specific reason, can we? One that the rest of the team can know."
"That's the kicker." he sighed, and then leaned back. "Gonna be a rough few weeks or however long it takes." he told the sky.
"She'll get through it. So will you." It didn't take effort, the confidence in his voice. He well and truly believed it. "You just need to believe that you can see the other side."
"We'll get there." he said. "Got no doubt about that. It's just going to be a long and ugly process, and I may wind up sinning. Keep the Scotch handy." he laughed.
Nathan shook his head again. "Screw the Scotch," he said amiably. "Haroun, a lot of this is going to fall on you, because you know you have to be her... faith, for lack of a better word, that she can put her life back together. She'll be fighting to get that back for herself, but when she slips, when all she sees is him and what he did to her, you're going to need to be her rock." He smiled a bit. "So when you need to blow off some steam, don't go for the Scotch bottle. Come find me and I'll beat your ass into the mats a few times."
Haroun grinned at that. "Now you're talking my language." he said with a grin. "It's a deal. And thank you. But you've made a mistake - it's your scrawny white ass that'll be goin' down to the mat."
--
Haroun sighed deeply as he sat out on the back lawn, under the wide-open sky. He desperately needed some time away, to get his metaphorical feet under him, but there had been one hit after another. Alison's breakdown. Paige. Lorna. He hadn't had time to breathe, to even start to try to process it all, and right now he felt that his shoulders were a little narrow and a little weak to be bearing this sort of a burden. He couldn't even talk to his imam about it, as the details were classified need-to-know.
Nathan had come back from his lunch meeting with Saul needing some quality unwinding time quite badly. Spending most of the afternoon deep in a meditative state, nothing in his mind but the patterns, had been precisely the ticket, and he felt... steady, again. Still oversensitized, and still somewhat fatigued, but more or less put back together into the shape that he should be.
Maybe that was why, on his way out for a few evening laps in the pool, he was drawn instead to the definite unsteadiness in the mind of the man sitting on the lawn. Sighing, Nathan flipped his towel back over his shoulder and went over to sit down beside Haroun on the grass.
"I'd ask you if you were all right, but it would be a dumb question."
"Called it in one." he said bitterly. "It's been a rough day." He opened his mind to Nathan, to show him exactly what had transpired through his day. Nathan was on the need-to-know list, having been there when it all went down, so there was no risk. "Real rough. I'm not sure if I'm up to handling this the way it needs to be handled."
"Why?" Nathan asked simply, to get Haroun to lay it out not so much for him, but for himself. Sometimes it helped.
"Because watching her self-destruct is ripping me up inside." he said quietly. "She's got an anger in her that's clawing away at her. I'm there for her as much as I can be, but I worry that I'm not getting through."
"Haroun..." Nathan sighed. "It's been two, three days. If she's angry... she's actually making a hell of a lot of progress. Most people would still be in shock at this point. Have you thought of it that way?"
Haroun nodded. "Yeah, I have." he said. "I know she's doing amazingly well all things considered. Still doesn't mean I have to like watching it from the inside, so to speak. I've been where she is." he elaborated. "I know exactly how she feels."
"So have I," Nathan pointed out quietly, then thought for a minute. "Did I ever tell you about the prison in North Korea?" he asked, knowing Haroun would know there was a point coming, not just an anecdote.
Haroun shook his head. "Nope." he said. "At least she's got something external to focus on. With me, all that was turned inwards."
"Job went bad, and Dom, GW, and I all wound up in a place that they had set-up for keeping mutants in custody. Inhibiting tech and all," Nathan said after a moment. "We were there for a couple of weeks. Wasn't good, to put it mildly. And the fact that all three of us were there... it complicated things afterwards, hugely. Because we were the ones who would have been there for each other, had it just been one of us who'd gone through that." Nathan stretched his leg out as it protested against resuming the cross-legged position he'd kept all afternoon. "Alison's support structure, on the other hand, is intact," he said after a moment. "You're not alone in what you're doing."
Haroun nodded. "Yeah. But she's adamant about keeping the in-the-know circle as tight as possible. Which just leaves those of us who were there at the time. I got grilled by her _best friend_, and I had to sit there, smile, and lie to her. Shit, I still feel dirty for that one."
"Why?" Nathan asked again. "See, this I don't get... why does anyone have the right to know, if Alison doesn't want them to know? Why should we feel guilty about keeping this close, when that's what she needs?"
"Because it's _Lorna_." he said with frustration. "She could help Alison out tremendously. She could even help _me_ out in my attempts to deal." he said. "But I had to keep her on the outside."
"So what, would be my reply to your first point that," Nathan said calmly. "Alison doesn't want her to know - right now. Maybe down the line a little. As for helping you... yeah, she probably could, and if you believe that she could, I am sorry that she's not on the need-to-know list." Nathan poked Haroun in the shoulder lightly. "But there are enough of us who are. If you didn't want to talk to me, you could talk to Charles. Or Scott, or Jean. I'm not sure I'd recommend talking to Cain, but I doubt he'd slam the door in your face if you tried."
Haroun barked out a laugh at that idea. "Yeah, right. I'm not in the mood to have my arms ripped out of their sockets." He then sobered for a second. "Scott's my CO, but he's not my _friend_. I barely know Doctor Grey. Cain will, as we said, kill me. I'm talking to you now." he said with a small smile.
"Which is a good step," Nathan said with an answering smile, "and a constructive one, insert more positive reinforcement here." He shook his head a little at his own flippancy, rubbing at the bullet scar on his leg. "I think," he said after a moment, "this is all about her not wanting to see herself as a victim. The need to keep what happened from becoming the school's latest horror story."
Haroun nodded. "That's exactly what it is." he said. "Seems obvious to me. She doesn't want to be a victim. She's struggling to deal with what was done to her. And she absolutely doesn't want to be the latest freak on the 5PM Mansion News Hour."
"So, that leaves us to help her in the way she wants helping-" So long as she keeps dealing, Nathan thought to himself, but then, Charles would be watching for any problems there. "-and to deal with our own reactions as we can." He looked up at Haroun. "So what are you feeling right now?"
"I'm so blindingly pissed-off at Sabertooth that I want to cram enough Willie-Pete up his ass to light my way to Heaven." he said pleasantly, as if telling a joke. "I want his head on a pole and his balls on a plate. I want to break every bone in his body over and over again for what he did to Alison."
"And yet you're still here. Not off hunting him down to carry out that very pleasant mental image." Nathan waited, deliberately, until Haroun met his eyes. "Which," he went on, more softly, "is a temptation. I know. But you're here, focusing on her, and that's what she needs right now. Not Creed's balls on a plate." He looked away again, a faint, not entirely pleasant smile playing on his lips. "Although I wouldn't be surprised if part of her didn't want that already. Still."
Haroun nodded shakily. "Yeah, I know. She needs me here. But I want to be out there. Hunting him down. Or if not me, then one of you. Cain, or you, or Scott, or Jean, or anybody. He's a rabid animal, and he needs to be put out of sanction. Now."
"Catch-22," Nathan said with a sigh. "If he surfaces again... he is one of Magneto's, and that'd be reason enough. But we can't all of a sudden start waging a concerted campaign to bring him down without a specific reason, can we? One that the rest of the team can know."
"That's the kicker." he sighed, and then leaned back. "Gonna be a rough few weeks or however long it takes." he told the sky.
"She'll get through it. So will you." It didn't take effort, the confidence in his voice. He well and truly believed it. "You just need to believe that you can see the other side."
"We'll get there." he said. "Got no doubt about that. It's just going to be a long and ugly process, and I may wind up sinning. Keep the Scotch handy." he laughed.
Nathan shook his head again. "Screw the Scotch," he said amiably. "Haroun, a lot of this is going to fall on you, because you know you have to be her... faith, for lack of a better word, that she can put her life back together. She'll be fighting to get that back for herself, but when she slips, when all she sees is him and what he did to her, you're going to need to be her rock." He smiled a bit. "So when you need to blow off some steam, don't go for the Scotch bottle. Come find me and I'll beat your ass into the mats a few times."
Haroun grinned at that. "Now you're talking my language." he said with a grin. "It's a deal. And thank you. But you've made a mistake - it's your scrawny white ass that'll be goin' down to the mat."
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