Nathan and Paige, Monday afternoon
Aug. 1st, 2005 01:40 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsNathan takes Bella down to play 'therapy bird' for Paige. They banter for a while and then set about the serious business of talking out better than a year's worth of misunderstanding and lack of communication. It goes remarkably well.
"Bah! Bah!"
"Shhh," Nathan told the bird on his shoulder severely. "I know you don't like the medlab, but we agreed. You play therapy bird, I give you a treat. You're not going back on that, are you?"
Bella bobbed her head, making a noise that was unmistakably a raspberry. "Bad smell! Bad!"
"I assure you, I had a shower this morning," came the automatic reply from one of the patient rooms. Paige smiled a little, not yet putting away her book - she didn't want to get her hopes up that this visitor might be for her - but wiggling her nose a little so that her glasses fell down. If she had to look up, at least now she could manage to actually see more than a blurry mess over the rims.
"It's the antiseptic smell," Nathan explained, heading unerringly for Paige's room. As it was, after all, his intended destination. "She's a finicky thing," he explained, pausing in the doorway. "Mind if we come in?"
Blushing a little, Paige beckoned them in. "I was hoping you would," she answered honestly, pushing her glasses up into her hair. Her book was without the neon flags that were usually found on all her texts and somewhat worn, and she shoved it under her pillow. "You get used to the smell. Better than some alternatives, considering where you are."
"Remember who you're talking to," Nathan said with a chuckle, settling into the chair beside the bed. "Although I tend to go for frequency of stay, rather than duration. I find it livens things up. Hate to be predictable."
"Well, I just had all these trainee points to use up, considering," Paige replied cheerfully, before letting her nose twitch and her grin fall into a somewhat forced smile. "Now, there was a bad start to any conversation. Let's try this one, then... How are you? And the Doc? She's been down a couple times, but I tend to be asleep pretty much always."
"I'm not bad," Nathan said lightly. "Moira is... very pregnant. If you weren't asleep pretty much always you probably would have noticed that. It's become scarily obvious." Bella trilled and swarmed down from his shoulder, hopping across to the bed. "If the bird's annoying, kick her off onto the floor," Nathan suggested facetiously, and got a hiss from Bella in response.
"Nono," Paige reassured him quickly, smoothing her blankets down so that Bella might have an easier time navigating. "Hey, pretty girl. C'mere? I'm very good at the whole feather stroking thing." Looking up quickly at Nathan, Paige smiled, making it very easy to see why certain people called her Sunshine. "I... like animals. Especially pretty ones, hm Bella? Thank you for bringing her. I did the math in my head, so I figured out the very pregnant thing all on my own, even with my unconsciousness, by the way. No complications?"
Nathan smiled back, both at Paige's smile and how quickly Bella took advantage of the smoother going. "Well, only if you consider fetal manifestation a complication," he said lightly. "Thus far it's actually been somewhat entertaining."
Paige's eyebrows went up into her hairline and she leaned forward in interest, effectively squashing and then snuggling the parrot. "Fetal manifestation? The baby's a psi, isn't it? I knew it! I was examining the DNA of psis, and the differences between- oh, do you know the sex, yet?"
Bella yelped, but then started to do the purring-facsimile, and Nathan chuckled. "A girl," he said simply, answering Paige's question. "And both telekinetic and telepathic already."
"Amazing. I wasn't expecting a fetal manifestation, but perhaps that's the circumstances of a second... no. That-" Paige cut herself off, running through problem in her head now with a look of deep concentration, her fingers still smoothing down Bella's feathers.
"I guess third-generation mutants can be a little unpredictable that way," Nathan said. Giving her the option of asking, if she wanted.
"Third generation. Third generation! I've only just started equations on third generations, or at least, I had before the... you know." Paige gestured, her eyes still flickering from left to right as if speed reading, as she thought. Pausing, a piece of information managed to get through her thoughts and she looked up. "Did you know your parents?"
Nathan's smile turned wry. "Just re-met my father, actually. Who is, according to Moira, a 'walking stem cell'. My mother, who apparently passed away a number of years ago, was a telekinetic and telepath. That much I did remember."
"Further proving my hypothesis!" Paige exclaimed in glee before looking embarrassed, laughing at herself. "Sorry. I get a little carried away. I'm sorry about your mother, but it's good to hear about your father. I would have thought that'd make you a little better than not bad."
Nathan's amused expression wavered just a little. But only for a moment. "It's complicated," he explained, and Bella, curled up on Paige's lap, cooed at him. "Somedays it makes me fantastic, and somedays it makes me very paranoid. Funny how that works."
Paige took her cue from the bird and fixed Nathan with a calm look, eyes softening in concern. It was strange; the two them could usually not stand each other for more than a minute at a time, and yet here they were, having a somewhat normal conversation. Well, for this place anyway. "Paranoid?" she asked simply, pushing the conversation forward as she thought.
"We don't talk much," Nathan said, his lips twitching a bit, "so you wouldn't have ever heard my so-sad story about not remembering most of my childhood and having what I do remember be nightmarish enough to go really well with all my experiences at Mistra." He slouched in the chair a little, shrugging. "Turns out I may be misremembering what I do remember. Or so Saul--my father says."
"I would trust yourself," Paige finally said, hesitantly. "And that might be that your memories are correct. But it could be that you'll tell yourself that he's telling the truth. Either way, I'd trust yourself. Not myself, but. I'd trust you."
"It's kind of... nice, when I let it be," Nathan said after a moment, contemplatively. "The idea that I was loved, even if that means that I have no idea what on earth happened to land me where I wound up..." He looked back at Paige and Bella, noticing how effectively Bella had taken over her lap. "She likes you."
"Everyone wants to be loved," Paige answered with a knowing smile. Leaving it at that, she gently skritched Bella, observing where she purred the loudest and concentrating on that spot. "That's helpful. I like her too. Animals and I tend to get along. Guess it helps when you grow up around them."
"She's going to teach the baby bad words," Nathan said mournfully. "You just watch. And then Moira will kill me if Rachel's first word is a profanity." He stopped, blinking, and then gave Paige a slightly sheepish look. "And you, by the way, are one of a very select number of people who now know that the munchkin already has a name. Whoops."
"You wouldn't teach baby Rachel bad words, would you, pretty? Nooo... Pretty bird would never do that. She's such a good, pretty girl," Paige cooed at Bella, practically purring herself at this point. She spared Nathan a tiny grin as she glimpsed up. "And I won't tell anyone about your slip-up, either."
"Bless you," Nathan said sententiously, and Bella gave a derisive hoot. He stuck his tongue out at the bird. "She keeps me honest," he explained to Paige. "Nothing like waxing fatuous and having a parrot go into gales of hysterical laughter."
"And it's really not like you can argue with her either," Paige quipped back. She grinned at the two of them; the bird with her ruffled feathers which Paige was concentrating on patting back down, and the soon to be father sticking out his tongue at said bird. It was certainly a sight. "I figure that would just be met with more laughing."
"And logic, such as mine is, doesn't generally meet with Bella's approval. She's a very flighty flighted bird. Aren't you, feathers?"
"Bah! Bah!"
"You're going to get bitten," was all Paige said, smirking from the corner of her mouth.
"It wouldn't be the first time," was Nathan's response. "So," he said, focusing on her again, "now that we've got all caught up on me, how are you doing?"
Paige ducked her head a little, taking a breath, but there were no worry lines on her forehead. "I have bad days, but over all? I'm okay." She looked up, repeating herself. "I'm okay."
Nathan paused, then smiled a little. "You know, the fact that you're admitting that you have bad days makes me believe the okay."
"Oooh, I have bad days. It vaguely resembles bottling up four or so months of PMS and letting it go all at once. If this is what I'm like only after a couple weeks in isolation, I am feeling so sorry for you with the pregnant doctor wife thing," Paige managed to joke, before wincing. "That was way too much information, wasn't it?"
"No such thing," Nathan said, but then stopped. "Okay, occasionally yes, there's such a thing, but this wasn't one of those cases." He shrugged again, just slightly, and his smile turned a bit sad. Weeks? he wondered. "And I do have a certain amount of sympathy for the bad days. Having had some doozies myself."
"Thank you for the warning. I'll refrain from telling you about my sex life, or current lack there of," she replied, almost flippantly, and surprising herself. She couldn't contain her blush and grin, however. "And I suppose you have, yes. Sometimes it's the people that know exactly what you're going through that are the least sympathetic, though, so thank you."
"Only when they're caught up enough in their own bad days," Nathan mused. "Anyhow. You're welcome." Bella squeaked and managed to do a complete somersault while still staying in Paige's lap. "Goof," he told her severely, his eyes twinkling. "Now you're just showing off."
Paige smiled at the moment, letting herself give a pleased, even contented little giggle. There was a moment where the two of them were willing to just sit and watch Bella, willing to let her antics fill up the silence as they realised that they'd run out of pleasantries. "So. That went well. Were you timing it?"
Nathan raised an eyebrow, the smile still lingering. "Not wearing a watch," he said, raising a hand to let her see for himself that his wrist was indeed bare. "Should I have been?"
"Well, now we'll never know if we set a record," Paige said logically, upping his smile to a grin, although, not at all mean. "Generally by this time one of us is storming out."
"Depending on which of us is having the bad day and gives first," Nathan said, almost mischievously.
"I'm trying to be serious here," Paige said sternly, giving herself away as she snorted and covered her mouth in embarrassment.
"Hey," he said, raising a defensive hand. "So was I. That's usually what happens, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I suppose so. We do have a habit of finding each other when we're hurting. And of course, neither one of us can speak about the hurting."
Nathan gazed at her for a long moment, the look on his face more serious than it had been at any point in the conversation thus far. "At this point, Paige," he said, "I have to say I'm rather glad that for various reasons I never tended to unburden myself on you. I think you had more weight than you could bear without them."
"I'm not," Paige answered quietly, all teasing antics gone in an instant.
"Why?" he asked simply. "I'll confess to some regret that I didn't, simply because reciprocity might have encouraged you to share some of that weight-" Although he was probably being a bit optimistic and presumptuous there, given that she hadn't leaned even on the people she loved, and he certainly didn't fall in that category. "-but I'm not sure why you'd have wanted to deal with any of my issues. They tend to be cliched things out of bad Tom Clancy-ish novels."
"Would have preferred you feeling you were able to speak to me, about anything, than going through whatever strange and often very painful relationship we have. Had. Whatever." Paige swallowed, running her tongue over her teeth and ignoring the voice in her head that was telling her to shut up, that she was ruining a perfectly good visit. "I would have had no problems dealing with your issues. The ones that broke me were only my own."
Nathan gave her a level look. "Easier to deal with other people's issues, rather than your own? I bet my therapist would probably agree with that. He's always telling me that ignoring my own needs in favor of addressing those of others is a swift route to self-destruction."
Paige answered the look with one of her own. "I was already not dealing with my issues all on my own. What I'm saying is, don't get too gleeful, too proud of yourself, yet. You wouldn't have been the final straw."
Nathan just stared. "If that's what you think I'm doing," he said, "then you're quite determined to take what I say as badly as possibly, still."
"No. I'm sorry, it seems today is Rudely Blunt Friday. It's too bad you missed Nearly Kill Yourself Wednesday and Cry All Day Monday." Sighing, Paige rubbed the bridge of her nose, giving herself a moment to collect her thoughts. "No. Just don't use it as an excuse, please? I'm trying not to. If nothing else, know I'll find some way to react badly to it, it seems."
"You'll have to explain something to me here, Paige," he said after a moment, no edge to his words. "The way you're putting it, it's like..." Nathan stopped, sighed, and closed his eyes for a moment. "Okay, so I know I have a bad tendency of blabbing details about my background and so forth, but most of that is just wanting people to understand that me getting the hang of this whole socialization thing is an ongoing process. There really... aren't that many people I actually, really let in. I'm just not sure why you would have wanted to be one of them. I tend to cause them ulcers - and remember, that's not me being flippant, that actually happened."
"I want to be your friend," Paige replied instantly, as if this were something she'd been thinking about for a long time. She shrugged, and gave him a hesitant, little smile. "Besides. I'm all set up for ulcers any time now. No big deal."
"Ulcers are always a big deal. Just ask Scott. He's nurturing his along quite devotedly." It struck Nathan that it wasn't quite fair to brush that all off with a flippant comment, and he sighed, resting his chin on his hand as he regarded her. "Why?" he finally asked. "I've never gotten the impression that you particularly liked me."
"I've become very good at making people see what I want them to. What they want to. But I'd be lying if I said you didn't infuriate me sometimes. Make me jealous, or so angry I could scream." Paige watched Nathan watching her with her careful half-smile and reminded herself to breathe. It was easy to disregard his brush off so long as she remained calm, not allowing herself to slip behind a wall of ice and tight lips. "Then again, so do a lot of people, and they tend to be the ones I care the most for."
"I can honestly say that I've never been jealous of you," Nathan said after a long pause. "Which is actually more significant an admission that you might realize. There have been times where it would have been very easy for me to be jealous of you and a lot of the others here, just because of everything you have that I didn't. But, I don't like myself when I'm resentful. Or at the very least I prefer to save the resentment for the people who really deserve it." Nathan smiled a little, almost ruefully. "There have been times I've wanted to throttle you, though. Then again... I am particularly close to a number of people I want to throttle on a regular basis. In fact, it seems to be a prerequisite in a lot of cases." He tilted his head, still resting it on his hand. "The cases where it is friendship, mind you," he said, almost more musing aloud than anything else. "Rather than the mentor/student, surrogate father/child sort of thing. I suppose that it's an outgrowth of my background. My conditioning's gone, but all the learned feral behavior is still there."
Paige waited patiently as he talked more to himself than her, with an amused kind of look at Bella. She resisted asking the bird if he did this often, just, and instead ran her thumb gently over the bone over her eye. "Neither of us likes to be wrong. That makes the mentor/student position very difficult without a ground of some sort to stand on. And I already had a father, who I loved very much. I have no need for a new one, except when I do, and I believe there are two other people currently filling that role. Besides, if you wanted to be my father, you would have done so by now. So, I do believe that puts us right back where we started."
Bella squeaked and ducked her head against Paige's hand. "There are a couple of things to take into account, then," Nathan said equably. "Things that maybe got tangled up and shouldn't have, to begin with."
"Indeed," Paige replied with a purse of her lips, before chuckling at the situation; the dramatic tone. "I'm open. What would you like to know? To say?"
"Well, personally speaking... I'm more than willing to make an effort, if that's what you want. I know there are things..." Nathan hesitated, then rethought what he'd been about to say. There were some subjects that probably shouldn't be broached between them. Especially since he was guessing that the large, glowing subject in particular had contributed at least in part to what had happened to her. "If it's what you want," he repeated, "I'd be glad to try. I'm told I'm not bad company when I'm not growling at everything that moves, and you've more than proven yourself capable of giving me a good figurative smack upside the head when I get too growly, so I'm certainly not worried about that aspect of things." He offered her a smile.
She couldn't help but smile in return. "I mastered the art of smacking at a young age. Eight siblings after all," Paige said with a serious nod, odd with her teeth showing and her eyes alight. "However, I'd prefer if you didn't do this because you think I'm fragile. Don't think I didn't notice. Just because I want it and you're worried about the condition of my health, is no reason for you to pretend. It's an insult more than anything and I won't have it."
"I don't actually like being at odds with people," Nathan said very patiently. "Again, comes from having lived in a context where harmony within your social group was critically important for survival purposes. Me being willing to try has to do with precisely one thing - the fact that you want it. And if you don't stop taking every third thing I say the worst possible way, I'm going to smack you upside the head. Figuratively, of course."
"I don't think that's good enough for me," Paige said quietly. "I'm noticing it more how people look at me slightly oddly. I know that my condition was supposed to be confidential, but everyone seems to know anyway. So yes, I'm going to remind everyone at every given opportunity that I'm not glass and I'm not going to break and to get the hell over themselves. It's tiring, but I'm sick of the alternative and it's only been a couple weeks." She took a deep breath through her nose, trying to fill down to the bottom of her lungs, but unsurprised when she seemed to hit wall halfway. "I don't enjoy one sided relationships, or even messed up past but still one sided relationship. I don't want to be someone's friend just because they want to be mine and I don't want to hurt their feelings. I want to be someone's friend because I like them. I respect them. I am interested in the things that they say and do. I think I deserve better than you just trying to keep 'harmony'."
"Unfortunately, Paige, when you do break, the sideways looks are inevitable," Nathan said quietly. "And telling people to stop is, on the whole, much less effective than showing them that they don't need to look at you sideways. In fact, telling rather than showing isn't effective at all. It gets brushed off as 'the lady or gentleman protests too much'."
He straightened in the chair, shaking his head. "And you don't get it. I'm not saying I'm willing to try if it's what you want because I'm being one-sided about this." If she wouldn't take it for what it was worth, he'd have to be specific, whether or not he really should. "If our argument about Sarah, and the situation with Jono, are not a barrier for you when it comes to your relationship with me, I'm happy not to let them be from my side. One of the major reasons I've kept my distance from you for so long is because I thought they were. A barrier, I mean."
"I'm taking the double approach. Show and tell. They want to make them cancel out, fine. I do believe they have a worse case of seeing the worst in things than I do and will advise they get help immediately."
Cold facts issued, Paige pushed the stray piece of hair she'd been playing with out of the way, tilting her head to the side to relieve a little of the tension in her neck. "For Christ's sake, Nathan, just tell me that you like me. You keep dancing around it, slipping out of reach, taking the conversation in another direction. Maybe it's sick that I need this kind of affirmation, or maybe I just need everyone to stop talking in bloody circles around me. For once, can we just be plain? I argued with many people about Sarah, including myself. There is no situation with Jono that has anything to do with you anymore. Those were never reasons we stopped talking, at least not for me. That distance, maybe, but not your imaginary barriers."
"So what are you telling me, Paige?" Nathan looked tired and frustrated for a moment, the calm facade slipping. "That what I thought I did out of consideration for what I thought were your feelings - and thought, rather than knew, because I have respected your dislike of telepathy ever since you made it so abundantly clear, doesn't mean anything because I was wrong? Thank you. I do so love it when you shut me down totally like that."
He shook his head. "I like you," he said more quietly. "But I feel rebuffed, just about every time I open my mouth around you. You don't just put up walls. I can deal with that. I have dealt with that. But look at the turn this conversation has taken. Why has this suddenly become all about how I've misunderstood and built all the distance between us?"
Paige looked at him a long moment, as if waiting for something, but it never came. "First of all? Perhaps you could ask. I find it works very well. There are all kinds of ways at getting around the lack of telepathy thing. I've managed pretty okay. Second, it's not all about that. You can believe that or not. And third? Well. Maybe I'd appreciate if you told me that occasionally. I don't believe a word of that confidential sticker on my file, but I'll tell you this like it's the truth. One of the reasons I did leave was because I assumed the vast majority of this school hated me. While magnified several times by other issues, and not the fault of the people in this school, the fact is, no one said otherwise." She refused to look away, lifting her chin a little and smiled, actually smiled; warm and with a slump of her shoulders that had be rising up. "That done with, thank you. For your consideration, which I am sorry for hurting your feelings about, and for saying so. That's all I wanted to hear, really, that you liked me."
"You haven't precisely been the most approachable person in the world for the last several months, even prior to your sojorn down here," Nathan pointed out. "I was afraid of provoking some kind of outburst if I tried to sit down and have some kind of long and probing discussion with you. Given how hard you were snapping at relatively minor things for a while there. And then..." He paused, his eyes moving around the room. "Well, then I wound up down here myself."
"But," he went on, a little more briskly, "I do like you. More to the point, maybe, I admire you, and one of the things I can honestly say I'm looking forward to is seeing what you choose to do with your gifts."
"Weren't," Paige replied in a quick, hard tone. There would be no room for argument, there. "Weren't so approachable. But the rest I will not argue." And she didn't, licking dry lips with a dry tongue; they'd been talking for a while, it seemed. But she wasn't tired yet, and that was a good sign. "I am too, honestly. We'll see how that goes. If I can continue with what I had planned."
Nathan glanced at the water jug over on the other side of the room. It levitated, smoothly filling a glass, which floated over to within Paige's reach. Bella gave a gleeful giggle.
"Teekay! Teekay!"
"Yes, you're a very smart bird." Nathan looked at Paige curiously. "What are you planning?"
Smiling in thanks, Paige took a sip delicately, wetting her teeth, and giving herself time to form her answer. "Well. I was planning on becoming a doctor, specializing in oncology and infectious diseases, but looking at them at more of a molecular level. Finding new waits to treat patients, by treating their molecular build-up instead of- well. Anyways," she said, attempting control herself as she took another gulp of water. "I'd also be doing the team Captain thing for a while before retiring to teach Chemistry here. Except, I've kind of blown a hole in all that it seems. At least I still have a shot at medicine, my exams were all done before I went missing, I suppose."
"Paige?" Nathan asked patiently. "If you were still interested in the team, I have this niggling suspicion that there's another chance out there for the taking. After all, they took me back after I tried to kill Charles. Second chances are not in short supply around here." He shrugged, smiling a bit. "On the other hand, if you wanted to focus on your studies... equally as worthwhile, in my humble opinion. I'm taking the New York bar exam in September myself."
"I want to save the world," Paige replied with a little shrug and girlish smile. "I hear that's childish and overly optimistic, but I do. I want to cure all diseases and feed all the children and end all the wars and I guess since I have so little time to begin with, losing that huge chunk of it, and having to start all over again with the X-Men... It's going to be tough. It's never been a question before, and now I seriously have to think about it and decide."
"Maybe... think of it in a new way," Nathan said slowly, pondering the question. "Don't shoot as high as you were, with the X-Men. There's a significant amount of difference between working towards being... how did you put it, the Captain? and just fighting the fight in front of you." He smiled again, a bit tiredly, making a vague gesture. "I'm just here to fight. It's something I can do, and do well, even if I had to learn to fight in a whole new way once I decided to put those leathers on."
"But that'd be such a shame," Paige argued, making a face as she thought about it. "I'm good at leading. I'm good at the tactics, the level head. And, nothing to do with any of that, I have a little bit of a competitive nature, in case you missed it."
"It might have slipped past me," Nathan said. "Do you know, Scott was probably a year old when I was on my first mission for Mistra? That occasionally hits me and makes me feel very old. But the thing that makes me take orders from Scott without a qualm... from Ororo and Alison too, is that they listen. They constantly question, assess, adjust their position. It gives me faith that even if they make a mistake, they can adapt." Nathan eyed Bella, who was nibbling lovingly on the bedsheets. "You have potential coming out of your ears," he said to Paige, "but you don't have that flexibility yet. And that's the hardest thing to learn. When you're making your decisions, ask yourself if you want to learn it, whether you actually need that burden to make the contribution you're capable of making."
"It's all just... such a waste. So many directions and so very little time," Paige replied in a heartbroken tone. "I keep waiting to get over the urge to do it all, but I just. Don't."
"It's not a waste," Nathan said more softly. "We're not superhuman. We do what we can do, and we try to find some sort of a life amid it all. Sometimes we're good at it, sometimes we're not. Eventually, if you persist, you do figure it out. I mean," he said, smiling, "look at me."
Paige laughed, and Bella nipped at her fingertips. "Yeah," she said, a little warmth coming back to her voice. "I suppose so."
"You need to hurry up and get better, you know," Nathan said. "I mean, on the list of potential babysitters, you're right up there. Responsible, well-trained in first-aid, hardy enough to not mind toys flung at your head if the munchkin gets cranky..."
"But!" Paige squeaked, automatically going into something akin to panic mode. "Babies are, well. Scary! Little and delicate and breakable and growing up and you never know what they're thinking and..." She made a little meeping noise, and clung to Bella, swallowing heard. "I mean, I'm sure she'll be a perfect dear, but. Scary."
"Well, here's the benefit of my little prodigy," Nathan said with a perfectly straight face. "It is entirely likely that anyone in her immediate vicinity will know exactly what she is thinking."
"Oh yes, then. Sure. That makes me feel much better," Paige deadpanned in reply.
"Bah! Bah!"
"Shhh," Nathan told the bird on his shoulder severely. "I know you don't like the medlab, but we agreed. You play therapy bird, I give you a treat. You're not going back on that, are you?"
Bella bobbed her head, making a noise that was unmistakably a raspberry. "Bad smell! Bad!"
"I assure you, I had a shower this morning," came the automatic reply from one of the patient rooms. Paige smiled a little, not yet putting away her book - she didn't want to get her hopes up that this visitor might be for her - but wiggling her nose a little so that her glasses fell down. If she had to look up, at least now she could manage to actually see more than a blurry mess over the rims.
"It's the antiseptic smell," Nathan explained, heading unerringly for Paige's room. As it was, after all, his intended destination. "She's a finicky thing," he explained, pausing in the doorway. "Mind if we come in?"
Blushing a little, Paige beckoned them in. "I was hoping you would," she answered honestly, pushing her glasses up into her hair. Her book was without the neon flags that were usually found on all her texts and somewhat worn, and she shoved it under her pillow. "You get used to the smell. Better than some alternatives, considering where you are."
"Remember who you're talking to," Nathan said with a chuckle, settling into the chair beside the bed. "Although I tend to go for frequency of stay, rather than duration. I find it livens things up. Hate to be predictable."
"Well, I just had all these trainee points to use up, considering," Paige replied cheerfully, before letting her nose twitch and her grin fall into a somewhat forced smile. "Now, there was a bad start to any conversation. Let's try this one, then... How are you? And the Doc? She's been down a couple times, but I tend to be asleep pretty much always."
"I'm not bad," Nathan said lightly. "Moira is... very pregnant. If you weren't asleep pretty much always you probably would have noticed that. It's become scarily obvious." Bella trilled and swarmed down from his shoulder, hopping across to the bed. "If the bird's annoying, kick her off onto the floor," Nathan suggested facetiously, and got a hiss from Bella in response.
"Nono," Paige reassured him quickly, smoothing her blankets down so that Bella might have an easier time navigating. "Hey, pretty girl. C'mere? I'm very good at the whole feather stroking thing." Looking up quickly at Nathan, Paige smiled, making it very easy to see why certain people called her Sunshine. "I... like animals. Especially pretty ones, hm Bella? Thank you for bringing her. I did the math in my head, so I figured out the very pregnant thing all on my own, even with my unconsciousness, by the way. No complications?"
Nathan smiled back, both at Paige's smile and how quickly Bella took advantage of the smoother going. "Well, only if you consider fetal manifestation a complication," he said lightly. "Thus far it's actually been somewhat entertaining."
Paige's eyebrows went up into her hairline and she leaned forward in interest, effectively squashing and then snuggling the parrot. "Fetal manifestation? The baby's a psi, isn't it? I knew it! I was examining the DNA of psis, and the differences between- oh, do you know the sex, yet?"
Bella yelped, but then started to do the purring-facsimile, and Nathan chuckled. "A girl," he said simply, answering Paige's question. "And both telekinetic and telepathic already."
"Amazing. I wasn't expecting a fetal manifestation, but perhaps that's the circumstances of a second... no. That-" Paige cut herself off, running through problem in her head now with a look of deep concentration, her fingers still smoothing down Bella's feathers.
"I guess third-generation mutants can be a little unpredictable that way," Nathan said. Giving her the option of asking, if she wanted.
"Third generation. Third generation! I've only just started equations on third generations, or at least, I had before the... you know." Paige gestured, her eyes still flickering from left to right as if speed reading, as she thought. Pausing, a piece of information managed to get through her thoughts and she looked up. "Did you know your parents?"
Nathan's smile turned wry. "Just re-met my father, actually. Who is, according to Moira, a 'walking stem cell'. My mother, who apparently passed away a number of years ago, was a telekinetic and telepath. That much I did remember."
"Further proving my hypothesis!" Paige exclaimed in glee before looking embarrassed, laughing at herself. "Sorry. I get a little carried away. I'm sorry about your mother, but it's good to hear about your father. I would have thought that'd make you a little better than not bad."
Nathan's amused expression wavered just a little. But only for a moment. "It's complicated," he explained, and Bella, curled up on Paige's lap, cooed at him. "Somedays it makes me fantastic, and somedays it makes me very paranoid. Funny how that works."
Paige took her cue from the bird and fixed Nathan with a calm look, eyes softening in concern. It was strange; the two them could usually not stand each other for more than a minute at a time, and yet here they were, having a somewhat normal conversation. Well, for this place anyway. "Paranoid?" she asked simply, pushing the conversation forward as she thought.
"We don't talk much," Nathan said, his lips twitching a bit, "so you wouldn't have ever heard my so-sad story about not remembering most of my childhood and having what I do remember be nightmarish enough to go really well with all my experiences at Mistra." He slouched in the chair a little, shrugging. "Turns out I may be misremembering what I do remember. Or so Saul--my father says."
"I would trust yourself," Paige finally said, hesitantly. "And that might be that your memories are correct. But it could be that you'll tell yourself that he's telling the truth. Either way, I'd trust yourself. Not myself, but. I'd trust you."
"It's kind of... nice, when I let it be," Nathan said after a moment, contemplatively. "The idea that I was loved, even if that means that I have no idea what on earth happened to land me where I wound up..." He looked back at Paige and Bella, noticing how effectively Bella had taken over her lap. "She likes you."
"Everyone wants to be loved," Paige answered with a knowing smile. Leaving it at that, she gently skritched Bella, observing where she purred the loudest and concentrating on that spot. "That's helpful. I like her too. Animals and I tend to get along. Guess it helps when you grow up around them."
"She's going to teach the baby bad words," Nathan said mournfully. "You just watch. And then Moira will kill me if Rachel's first word is a profanity." He stopped, blinking, and then gave Paige a slightly sheepish look. "And you, by the way, are one of a very select number of people who now know that the munchkin already has a name. Whoops."
"You wouldn't teach baby Rachel bad words, would you, pretty? Nooo... Pretty bird would never do that. She's such a good, pretty girl," Paige cooed at Bella, practically purring herself at this point. She spared Nathan a tiny grin as she glimpsed up. "And I won't tell anyone about your slip-up, either."
"Bless you," Nathan said sententiously, and Bella gave a derisive hoot. He stuck his tongue out at the bird. "She keeps me honest," he explained to Paige. "Nothing like waxing fatuous and having a parrot go into gales of hysterical laughter."
"And it's really not like you can argue with her either," Paige quipped back. She grinned at the two of them; the bird with her ruffled feathers which Paige was concentrating on patting back down, and the soon to be father sticking out his tongue at said bird. It was certainly a sight. "I figure that would just be met with more laughing."
"And logic, such as mine is, doesn't generally meet with Bella's approval. She's a very flighty flighted bird. Aren't you, feathers?"
"Bah! Bah!"
"You're going to get bitten," was all Paige said, smirking from the corner of her mouth.
"It wouldn't be the first time," was Nathan's response. "So," he said, focusing on her again, "now that we've got all caught up on me, how are you doing?"
Paige ducked her head a little, taking a breath, but there were no worry lines on her forehead. "I have bad days, but over all? I'm okay." She looked up, repeating herself. "I'm okay."
Nathan paused, then smiled a little. "You know, the fact that you're admitting that you have bad days makes me believe the okay."
"Oooh, I have bad days. It vaguely resembles bottling up four or so months of PMS and letting it go all at once. If this is what I'm like only after a couple weeks in isolation, I am feeling so sorry for you with the pregnant doctor wife thing," Paige managed to joke, before wincing. "That was way too much information, wasn't it?"
"No such thing," Nathan said, but then stopped. "Okay, occasionally yes, there's such a thing, but this wasn't one of those cases." He shrugged again, just slightly, and his smile turned a bit sad. Weeks? he wondered. "And I do have a certain amount of sympathy for the bad days. Having had some doozies myself."
"Thank you for the warning. I'll refrain from telling you about my sex life, or current lack there of," she replied, almost flippantly, and surprising herself. She couldn't contain her blush and grin, however. "And I suppose you have, yes. Sometimes it's the people that know exactly what you're going through that are the least sympathetic, though, so thank you."
"Only when they're caught up enough in their own bad days," Nathan mused. "Anyhow. You're welcome." Bella squeaked and managed to do a complete somersault while still staying in Paige's lap. "Goof," he told her severely, his eyes twinkling. "Now you're just showing off."
Paige smiled at the moment, letting herself give a pleased, even contented little giggle. There was a moment where the two of them were willing to just sit and watch Bella, willing to let her antics fill up the silence as they realised that they'd run out of pleasantries. "So. That went well. Were you timing it?"
Nathan raised an eyebrow, the smile still lingering. "Not wearing a watch," he said, raising a hand to let her see for himself that his wrist was indeed bare. "Should I have been?"
"Well, now we'll never know if we set a record," Paige said logically, upping his smile to a grin, although, not at all mean. "Generally by this time one of us is storming out."
"Depending on which of us is having the bad day and gives first," Nathan said, almost mischievously.
"I'm trying to be serious here," Paige said sternly, giving herself away as she snorted and covered her mouth in embarrassment.
"Hey," he said, raising a defensive hand. "So was I. That's usually what happens, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I suppose so. We do have a habit of finding each other when we're hurting. And of course, neither one of us can speak about the hurting."
Nathan gazed at her for a long moment, the look on his face more serious than it had been at any point in the conversation thus far. "At this point, Paige," he said, "I have to say I'm rather glad that for various reasons I never tended to unburden myself on you. I think you had more weight than you could bear without them."
"I'm not," Paige answered quietly, all teasing antics gone in an instant.
"Why?" he asked simply. "I'll confess to some regret that I didn't, simply because reciprocity might have encouraged you to share some of that weight-" Although he was probably being a bit optimistic and presumptuous there, given that she hadn't leaned even on the people she loved, and he certainly didn't fall in that category. "-but I'm not sure why you'd have wanted to deal with any of my issues. They tend to be cliched things out of bad Tom Clancy-ish novels."
"Would have preferred you feeling you were able to speak to me, about anything, than going through whatever strange and often very painful relationship we have. Had. Whatever." Paige swallowed, running her tongue over her teeth and ignoring the voice in her head that was telling her to shut up, that she was ruining a perfectly good visit. "I would have had no problems dealing with your issues. The ones that broke me were only my own."
Nathan gave her a level look. "Easier to deal with other people's issues, rather than your own? I bet my therapist would probably agree with that. He's always telling me that ignoring my own needs in favor of addressing those of others is a swift route to self-destruction."
Paige answered the look with one of her own. "I was already not dealing with my issues all on my own. What I'm saying is, don't get too gleeful, too proud of yourself, yet. You wouldn't have been the final straw."
Nathan just stared. "If that's what you think I'm doing," he said, "then you're quite determined to take what I say as badly as possibly, still."
"No. I'm sorry, it seems today is Rudely Blunt Friday. It's too bad you missed Nearly Kill Yourself Wednesday and Cry All Day Monday." Sighing, Paige rubbed the bridge of her nose, giving herself a moment to collect her thoughts. "No. Just don't use it as an excuse, please? I'm trying not to. If nothing else, know I'll find some way to react badly to it, it seems."
"You'll have to explain something to me here, Paige," he said after a moment, no edge to his words. "The way you're putting it, it's like..." Nathan stopped, sighed, and closed his eyes for a moment. "Okay, so I know I have a bad tendency of blabbing details about my background and so forth, but most of that is just wanting people to understand that me getting the hang of this whole socialization thing is an ongoing process. There really... aren't that many people I actually, really let in. I'm just not sure why you would have wanted to be one of them. I tend to cause them ulcers - and remember, that's not me being flippant, that actually happened."
"I want to be your friend," Paige replied instantly, as if this were something she'd been thinking about for a long time. She shrugged, and gave him a hesitant, little smile. "Besides. I'm all set up for ulcers any time now. No big deal."
"Ulcers are always a big deal. Just ask Scott. He's nurturing his along quite devotedly." It struck Nathan that it wasn't quite fair to brush that all off with a flippant comment, and he sighed, resting his chin on his hand as he regarded her. "Why?" he finally asked. "I've never gotten the impression that you particularly liked me."
"I've become very good at making people see what I want them to. What they want to. But I'd be lying if I said you didn't infuriate me sometimes. Make me jealous, or so angry I could scream." Paige watched Nathan watching her with her careful half-smile and reminded herself to breathe. It was easy to disregard his brush off so long as she remained calm, not allowing herself to slip behind a wall of ice and tight lips. "Then again, so do a lot of people, and they tend to be the ones I care the most for."
"I can honestly say that I've never been jealous of you," Nathan said after a long pause. "Which is actually more significant an admission that you might realize. There have been times where it would have been very easy for me to be jealous of you and a lot of the others here, just because of everything you have that I didn't. But, I don't like myself when I'm resentful. Or at the very least I prefer to save the resentment for the people who really deserve it." Nathan smiled a little, almost ruefully. "There have been times I've wanted to throttle you, though. Then again... I am particularly close to a number of people I want to throttle on a regular basis. In fact, it seems to be a prerequisite in a lot of cases." He tilted his head, still resting it on his hand. "The cases where it is friendship, mind you," he said, almost more musing aloud than anything else. "Rather than the mentor/student, surrogate father/child sort of thing. I suppose that it's an outgrowth of my background. My conditioning's gone, but all the learned feral behavior is still there."
Paige waited patiently as he talked more to himself than her, with an amused kind of look at Bella. She resisted asking the bird if he did this often, just, and instead ran her thumb gently over the bone over her eye. "Neither of us likes to be wrong. That makes the mentor/student position very difficult without a ground of some sort to stand on. And I already had a father, who I loved very much. I have no need for a new one, except when I do, and I believe there are two other people currently filling that role. Besides, if you wanted to be my father, you would have done so by now. So, I do believe that puts us right back where we started."
Bella squeaked and ducked her head against Paige's hand. "There are a couple of things to take into account, then," Nathan said equably. "Things that maybe got tangled up and shouldn't have, to begin with."
"Indeed," Paige replied with a purse of her lips, before chuckling at the situation; the dramatic tone. "I'm open. What would you like to know? To say?"
"Well, personally speaking... I'm more than willing to make an effort, if that's what you want. I know there are things..." Nathan hesitated, then rethought what he'd been about to say. There were some subjects that probably shouldn't be broached between them. Especially since he was guessing that the large, glowing subject in particular had contributed at least in part to what had happened to her. "If it's what you want," he repeated, "I'd be glad to try. I'm told I'm not bad company when I'm not growling at everything that moves, and you've more than proven yourself capable of giving me a good figurative smack upside the head when I get too growly, so I'm certainly not worried about that aspect of things." He offered her a smile.
She couldn't help but smile in return. "I mastered the art of smacking at a young age. Eight siblings after all," Paige said with a serious nod, odd with her teeth showing and her eyes alight. "However, I'd prefer if you didn't do this because you think I'm fragile. Don't think I didn't notice. Just because I want it and you're worried about the condition of my health, is no reason for you to pretend. It's an insult more than anything and I won't have it."
"I don't actually like being at odds with people," Nathan said very patiently. "Again, comes from having lived in a context where harmony within your social group was critically important for survival purposes. Me being willing to try has to do with precisely one thing - the fact that you want it. And if you don't stop taking every third thing I say the worst possible way, I'm going to smack you upside the head. Figuratively, of course."
"I don't think that's good enough for me," Paige said quietly. "I'm noticing it more how people look at me slightly oddly. I know that my condition was supposed to be confidential, but everyone seems to know anyway. So yes, I'm going to remind everyone at every given opportunity that I'm not glass and I'm not going to break and to get the hell over themselves. It's tiring, but I'm sick of the alternative and it's only been a couple weeks." She took a deep breath through her nose, trying to fill down to the bottom of her lungs, but unsurprised when she seemed to hit wall halfway. "I don't enjoy one sided relationships, or even messed up past but still one sided relationship. I don't want to be someone's friend just because they want to be mine and I don't want to hurt their feelings. I want to be someone's friend because I like them. I respect them. I am interested in the things that they say and do. I think I deserve better than you just trying to keep 'harmony'."
"Unfortunately, Paige, when you do break, the sideways looks are inevitable," Nathan said quietly. "And telling people to stop is, on the whole, much less effective than showing them that they don't need to look at you sideways. In fact, telling rather than showing isn't effective at all. It gets brushed off as 'the lady or gentleman protests too much'."
He straightened in the chair, shaking his head. "And you don't get it. I'm not saying I'm willing to try if it's what you want because I'm being one-sided about this." If she wouldn't take it for what it was worth, he'd have to be specific, whether or not he really should. "If our argument about Sarah, and the situation with Jono, are not a barrier for you when it comes to your relationship with me, I'm happy not to let them be from my side. One of the major reasons I've kept my distance from you for so long is because I thought they were. A barrier, I mean."
"I'm taking the double approach. Show and tell. They want to make them cancel out, fine. I do believe they have a worse case of seeing the worst in things than I do and will advise they get help immediately."
Cold facts issued, Paige pushed the stray piece of hair she'd been playing with out of the way, tilting her head to the side to relieve a little of the tension in her neck. "For Christ's sake, Nathan, just tell me that you like me. You keep dancing around it, slipping out of reach, taking the conversation in another direction. Maybe it's sick that I need this kind of affirmation, or maybe I just need everyone to stop talking in bloody circles around me. For once, can we just be plain? I argued with many people about Sarah, including myself. There is no situation with Jono that has anything to do with you anymore. Those were never reasons we stopped talking, at least not for me. That distance, maybe, but not your imaginary barriers."
"So what are you telling me, Paige?" Nathan looked tired and frustrated for a moment, the calm facade slipping. "That what I thought I did out of consideration for what I thought were your feelings - and thought, rather than knew, because I have respected your dislike of telepathy ever since you made it so abundantly clear, doesn't mean anything because I was wrong? Thank you. I do so love it when you shut me down totally like that."
He shook his head. "I like you," he said more quietly. "But I feel rebuffed, just about every time I open my mouth around you. You don't just put up walls. I can deal with that. I have dealt with that. But look at the turn this conversation has taken. Why has this suddenly become all about how I've misunderstood and built all the distance between us?"
Paige looked at him a long moment, as if waiting for something, but it never came. "First of all? Perhaps you could ask. I find it works very well. There are all kinds of ways at getting around the lack of telepathy thing. I've managed pretty okay. Second, it's not all about that. You can believe that or not. And third? Well. Maybe I'd appreciate if you told me that occasionally. I don't believe a word of that confidential sticker on my file, but I'll tell you this like it's the truth. One of the reasons I did leave was because I assumed the vast majority of this school hated me. While magnified several times by other issues, and not the fault of the people in this school, the fact is, no one said otherwise." She refused to look away, lifting her chin a little and smiled, actually smiled; warm and with a slump of her shoulders that had be rising up. "That done with, thank you. For your consideration, which I am sorry for hurting your feelings about, and for saying so. That's all I wanted to hear, really, that you liked me."
"You haven't precisely been the most approachable person in the world for the last several months, even prior to your sojorn down here," Nathan pointed out. "I was afraid of provoking some kind of outburst if I tried to sit down and have some kind of long and probing discussion with you. Given how hard you were snapping at relatively minor things for a while there. And then..." He paused, his eyes moving around the room. "Well, then I wound up down here myself."
"But," he went on, a little more briskly, "I do like you. More to the point, maybe, I admire you, and one of the things I can honestly say I'm looking forward to is seeing what you choose to do with your gifts."
"Weren't," Paige replied in a quick, hard tone. There would be no room for argument, there. "Weren't so approachable. But the rest I will not argue." And she didn't, licking dry lips with a dry tongue; they'd been talking for a while, it seemed. But she wasn't tired yet, and that was a good sign. "I am too, honestly. We'll see how that goes. If I can continue with what I had planned."
Nathan glanced at the water jug over on the other side of the room. It levitated, smoothly filling a glass, which floated over to within Paige's reach. Bella gave a gleeful giggle.
"Teekay! Teekay!"
"Yes, you're a very smart bird." Nathan looked at Paige curiously. "What are you planning?"
Smiling in thanks, Paige took a sip delicately, wetting her teeth, and giving herself time to form her answer. "Well. I was planning on becoming a doctor, specializing in oncology and infectious diseases, but looking at them at more of a molecular level. Finding new waits to treat patients, by treating their molecular build-up instead of- well. Anyways," she said, attempting control herself as she took another gulp of water. "I'd also be doing the team Captain thing for a while before retiring to teach Chemistry here. Except, I've kind of blown a hole in all that it seems. At least I still have a shot at medicine, my exams were all done before I went missing, I suppose."
"Paige?" Nathan asked patiently. "If you were still interested in the team, I have this niggling suspicion that there's another chance out there for the taking. After all, they took me back after I tried to kill Charles. Second chances are not in short supply around here." He shrugged, smiling a bit. "On the other hand, if you wanted to focus on your studies... equally as worthwhile, in my humble opinion. I'm taking the New York bar exam in September myself."
"I want to save the world," Paige replied with a little shrug and girlish smile. "I hear that's childish and overly optimistic, but I do. I want to cure all diseases and feed all the children and end all the wars and I guess since I have so little time to begin with, losing that huge chunk of it, and having to start all over again with the X-Men... It's going to be tough. It's never been a question before, and now I seriously have to think about it and decide."
"Maybe... think of it in a new way," Nathan said slowly, pondering the question. "Don't shoot as high as you were, with the X-Men. There's a significant amount of difference between working towards being... how did you put it, the Captain? and just fighting the fight in front of you." He smiled again, a bit tiredly, making a vague gesture. "I'm just here to fight. It's something I can do, and do well, even if I had to learn to fight in a whole new way once I decided to put those leathers on."
"But that'd be such a shame," Paige argued, making a face as she thought about it. "I'm good at leading. I'm good at the tactics, the level head. And, nothing to do with any of that, I have a little bit of a competitive nature, in case you missed it."
"It might have slipped past me," Nathan said. "Do you know, Scott was probably a year old when I was on my first mission for Mistra? That occasionally hits me and makes me feel very old. But the thing that makes me take orders from Scott without a qualm... from Ororo and Alison too, is that they listen. They constantly question, assess, adjust their position. It gives me faith that even if they make a mistake, they can adapt." Nathan eyed Bella, who was nibbling lovingly on the bedsheets. "You have potential coming out of your ears," he said to Paige, "but you don't have that flexibility yet. And that's the hardest thing to learn. When you're making your decisions, ask yourself if you want to learn it, whether you actually need that burden to make the contribution you're capable of making."
"It's all just... such a waste. So many directions and so very little time," Paige replied in a heartbroken tone. "I keep waiting to get over the urge to do it all, but I just. Don't."
"It's not a waste," Nathan said more softly. "We're not superhuman. We do what we can do, and we try to find some sort of a life amid it all. Sometimes we're good at it, sometimes we're not. Eventually, if you persist, you do figure it out. I mean," he said, smiling, "look at me."
Paige laughed, and Bella nipped at her fingertips. "Yeah," she said, a little warmth coming back to her voice. "I suppose so."
"You need to hurry up and get better, you know," Nathan said. "I mean, on the list of potential babysitters, you're right up there. Responsible, well-trained in first-aid, hardy enough to not mind toys flung at your head if the munchkin gets cranky..."
"But!" Paige squeaked, automatically going into something akin to panic mode. "Babies are, well. Scary! Little and delicate and breakable and growing up and you never know what they're thinking and..." She made a little meeping noise, and clung to Bella, swallowing heard. "I mean, I'm sure she'll be a perfect dear, but. Scary."
"Well, here's the benefit of my little prodigy," Nathan said with a perfectly straight face. "It is entirely likely that anyone in her immediate vicinity will know exactly what she is thinking."
"Oh yes, then. Sure. That makes me feel much better," Paige deadpanned in reply.
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Date: 2005-08-02 05:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-02 03:04 pm (UTC)It IS an odd log, isn't it? Catching up, to sorting out, to deep future thoughts, to BABY AH! Glad you liked it, though, and managed to get through it all. You can tell near the end where I was starting to fall asleep and Alicia just kept going... ;)
Thanks for the comment!
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Date: 2005-08-02 12:36 pm (UTC)What, like I let just anybody drive my car? :)
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Date: 2005-08-02 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-02 03:39 pm (UTC)Oh, boo for you! See who doesn't get a birthday present!
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Date: 2005-08-03 12:11 am (UTC)Plus, Jamie's answer. Plus the whole no fault thing.
And you're so getting me a birthday present.