xp_logs | Nathan and Alison, Wednesday night

After the events of the day, Alison finds Nathan working on an update for the database on the Pack's African 'adventure'. Frustration is the order of the night for Nathan, and Alison finds out that it's been building for a while, helped along by the sleep deprivation traditional for new parents.

He had decided to write his report on one of the Situation Room computers. It was quiet in the Situation Room, after all, and he could digest what GW had told him in peace and quiet. Fret in peace and quiet, you mean, Nathan thought grimly.

And focusing on the news from Africa let him avoid thinking about problems closer to home. And not stomp upstairs and throttle Manuel. Those were also fringe benefits.

"So." Leaning in the doorway, Alison gave Nathan a critical look. "I've walked by what, ten times now?" It wasn't really an exageration, too. "And you're still staring at the screen, hitting backspace more than anything else and looking like someone ran over your dog." After a pause, Alison tilted her head to the side. "I saw that only knowing for a fact that you don't have a dog. Unless Bella ate it?"

"GW and the others found one of the training camps," Nathan said shortly, reminding himself that Alison had been experiencing something of a Day and didn't need him snapping at her. "Abandoned, recently. He's sounding a little frayed - I gather it was more of a blow to Nash and some of the others than you might think. Or, well," he amended sardonically, "you can probably imagine what kind of a blow it was." If anyone around here could, it was certainly Alison.

"Yeah." Looking down for a moment, Alison gave up any pretense at levity and sighed, shoulders dropping a bit. "They have any tracks or clues on where the camp might have been relocated?"

"GW mentioned a couple of leads. He was sketchy - didn't have much time to send the email. The Congo is not a settled place these days and they're staying on the move." Nathan leaned back in the chair, glaring at the mostly blank screen. "Tempted to just append the email and leave it at that until he sends me more details. Should have done that from the get-go..." But the prospect of retreating down here had been entirely too tempting, really. Getting away from it all. All of it.

"Hrm. Well, I'm all for enabling." Still leaning in the doorway, she raised an eyebrow at Nathan slightly. "Append the email and wait 'till he sends more details?" She blinked, then paused for a moment, considering. "Tell him we'll send him a care package soon, and the others too, while you're at it?" Hey, it was a good idea, or so she thought.

Nathan blinked, then gave Alison a small and tired smile. "With a canister of strawberry icing for Ani?" he asked, then sighed, looking back at the screen. "Placeholder report, then," he said, typing out a few quick sentences. "I'll log the rest of the details in the database as soon as he gives them to me. And I guess that means I can go upstairs now," he said with a faintly bitter edge to his voice. "Joy. I should use the back elevator and go right to the third floor."

"Send her one of Rachel's shirts?" The things were tiny and horribly cute and not scary at all when not actually worn by the baby. "Baby scent. She'll be thrilled." And Bridge would be that much more doomed in regards to parenthood, she suspected. And the reminder would be good for the entire Pack as well. Or so she hoped.

"Wait. Woah. What's the 'oh, I can go back upstairs' stuff now?"

"Baby shirt. Check," Nathan said, ignoring the second question as he saved his placeholder report and filed it in the database. "And possibly sugar packets for David. And Carey, can't forget Carey. Superspeed-adapted metabolisms don't do well on a diet of MREs."

"You don't wanna tell me, just say so, geez." The grumble was good natured enough, characteristic of Alison's reactions to evasions of late. "I'll throw in some Miles baked cookies. And some peanut butter ones too, for Theo. No chocolate for him."

Nathan was silent for a moment, staring at the now completely blank screen. "I don't want to be around the kids," he finally said, abruptly, some anger coloring his voice. Entirely self-directed, of course. "Yes, I know that's a bad mood to be starting the term in, but I quite literally don't want to be around them. And no, it's not just the fuss earlier. I don't want to be asked for help, or guidance, or advice. I don't want to be leaned on, I don't want to want to be leaned on, and I don't want to feel guilty for not wanting to be leaned on."

"Or for being leaned on, giving advice and then being entirely ignored?" Pushing away from the doorframe, Alison walked into the room and pulled back a chair, flopping down in it with a small sigh. "They're good most of the time, but every now and then, the reminders of teenagehood are pretty fierce. Speaking in general terms and all," she murmured, smothing one hand over the table and brushing away an imaginary speck of dust. "Eh. I get the wanting away time thing. And the bad mood thing. I'm an expert on bad moods, these days," she added, with almost cheerful self-deprecation.

"Honestly?" Nathan gave her a tight, strained smile. "Not so much the advice thing at the moment. I just... I wish that I hadn't..." He couldn't say it. The words were literally catching in his throat, and something close to an outright snarl of frustration escaped in their place. "Who the hell am I kidding?" he demanded angrily. "Pretending that I'm any kind of fucking role model, that I can give anyone else advice..." He pushed his chair away from the console, in lieu of putting a fist through the screen or something equally unproductive.

He was angry. It felt almost odd to be so dead calm about what his reaction, almost removed in a sense. The things that made Alison angry now just weren't the same as before. Or maybe the anger was because it was always there anyway, just banked and waiting for the right moment. "Don't give me that." Calmly, she covered the hand on the table with the other, and rested her chin on both, looking up at Nathan with utter calm. "You make your own choices. Others make their own. You're not responsible for that, ultimately. Only they are."

Her calm didn't help him calm down, as it so often did. Instead, her words were more like lancing a wound, and what came out was bitter and angry and nothing he would have shared with anyone but her and Moira and a few others. "I supported a bad choice," he growled a bit shakily. Choices. She would have to go right for the subject that was at the root of his current monumental bad mood. "Hell, I've probably supported a lot of bad choices, but this one... I never should have... I should have found my spine and been the bad guy. Maybe it wouldn't have done any good, but maybe it would have, and it never would have come to this."

"Okay. And how many maybes can you throw in this about something which - and I'm just guessing here - ultimately wasn't your choice to make? With whatever badness happened and all. What with working in general terms here since I'm not entirely sure what you're talking about, other than one of the kids apparently. Uh, in fact? Clueless here. Huh?"

"Amanda and Meggan." Briefly, almost curtly, Nathan told her what had happened. "... so Meggan's being moved into a suite with some of the other girls. She's not hurt, thankfully. I suppose that's what important." His smile was twisted, deeply bitter. "I remember telling someone... Remy, I think, that I thought we had to give them the chance to make this work. And I really thought it would, for a while there. Me, the optimist."

Shrugging a bit, Alison pushed up to rest a cheek in one hand, elbow braced on the table. "Huh. Well hey, we all did on that score." She held back on the comment about mass flagellation though, knowing that one to be out of line for Nathan's current emotional state. "You're right though. She's not hurt, which is what matters. And the back up system that was in place in case something went wrong is kicking in and working fine. It's not like they were left up a creek without an oar. Didn't work, alternate situation will be set in place, that's that..."

Nathan's expression had shifted, gone unreadable. "I don't know why I'm so angry," he said, after a moment. "Frustration at the situation, I suppose. This hasn't worked out well for anyone. I just..." The anger flooded up again, and he shook his head violently, as if he could shake it away. "... am clearly having issues with controlling my temper," he said a bit wearily, after another long pause. "Backsliding in other ways, too, obviously. Look at me and Manuel this evening. And damn it, I'm tired. Rachel is not doing well at the sleeping through the night thing."

Looking down, Alison was quiet for a moment, shoulders shaking slightly. "I'm sorry. But man, you're telling me you have temper issues?" Biting her lip she looked up, shaking her head. "Lessee. You're tired. Stuff happened you wish hadn't even though there's hardly anything you could have done about it, which probably doesn't help. Bad news from GW and you're dealing with a new baby and the whole - oh. Oooooh." Blinking, Alison stared at Nathan. "Oh. I think I get it."

"If you're implying that I'm making all kinds of probably inaccurate and yet profoundly unsettling subconscious connections between kids in trouble and not being able to do anything about it, and my own worries about kids here, especially mine... you'd probably be hitting the nail right on the head," Nathan said tiredly. Where had his anger gone? "I think I have this... great, big irrational streak on the subject. Watch, I'll mention this to Jack and he'll give me the 'Well, duh' look."

Alison, apparently, had decided to beat Jack to the look. "D'uh indeed. Who said you were supposed to be rational? You're her father, rational has nothing to do with it. It's why you'll threaten her boyfriends with cars hovering over their heads one day."

"I don't want to screw it up." Now he was sounding more upset than anything else. Petulant. "I don't want to screw it up, but I can't pull back and focus everything on her. I'd smother her, and what the hell kind of father would she have in the end, if he could help other kids and didn't... except I can't help the ones in Africa, can I? And I'm not doing a whole hell of a lot right, here. Damn it." He sank his face into his hands for a moment, trying to concentrate on calming down, ordering his thoughts. He did not need to be all over the place like this.

"Nathan? Bottom line here, is that the only child here which is yours to raise, from the start, is Rachel. The responsibitilies and things you have towards her aren't the same as anyone else here." She paused a bit, then smiled. "Kinda like what I owe Miles and what I owe every other kid in this place. It's not the same thing and I don't put it on the same level." The smile faded and Alison gave him a slightly wry look. "And it's not at all the same as those kids in Africa. Even if we, or GW, or anyone helps to get them out of one situation - the rest of the lives is another story entirely, Nathan."

And that just opened up another whole can of worms. His stupidly ambitious new 'job', and how nearly impossible it was going to be to get anything done simply because there was so much to do... Nathan took a deep breath and shifted, resting his chin on his hands. "Have a bad case of being intimidated by the size of the forest here, I think," he said more calmly. "Old patterns that were bad in the old context are even worse when the picture is so much bigger."

"Okay. So, do you think you've taken on too much? And if so, can you just delegate or priotize stuff accordingly so that you can feel a bit less harassed and out of your depth?" Shrugging a bit, she leaned back. "It's not the end of the world, y'know - you just re-assess then apply the right modification to things and keep moving forward." She paused, looking at him with clear eyes. "Always move forward. No looking back. No fear."

Nathan rubbed his hands over his face, and then leaned back in his chair, letting the air in his lungs out on a sigh. "Not taken on too much," he said after a few moments of due consideration. "Just... stumbling on the steep learning curve of just how much I am going to have to prioritize, if I'm going to do what I proposed to Charles. I can't do it all. Angelo and I can't do it all. The whole staff of this school couldn't do it all if we all devoted 24/7 to it." He smiled a bit thinly. "Old patterns," he repeated. "To some extent, I suppose, I'm backsliding. Setting up the impossible goals and beating myself up over realizing that I can't reach them. And I'm pretty much positive that the lack of sleep is just compounding the problem."

"Of course it is." The word 'doofus' didn't even float in her thoughts though it somehow managed to sneak its way into being unsaid nonetheless. "So. Get sleep. That's one priority. Work out how to settle the learning curve into something less fearsome and more approachable -maybe push back some of the goals or scale down the objectives until things get in hand? And... Stop beating yourself up over you beating yourself up. You figured out you're doing it and you'll do something about it. S'all." Stretching out her legs she stretched out one arm, cracking the elbow lightly. "You spot your old patterns when they crop up really fast now and all on your own. I'd say that's pretty good, myself," she added, casually.

Nathan eyed her in something close to amusement for a moment, and then pushed himself up out of his chair, stifling a yawn that decided to make a rather appropriately timed appearance. "Right," he said, almost managing a flippant tone. "Sleep first, work on the God complex second. Sounds like a plan."

Alison snickered at that, a half-laugh escaping her. "Good boy." She'd have to find a way to make sure he got cookies when he woke up, just for the sake of having something thrown at her the next day. And after the stress that had lodged in her spine that afternoon, walking about with her back bared, this conversation had been oddly settling. Even with the current fuss going on and likely to go on a bit, which thankfully she'd braced herself for and wasn't too fazed by so far. "Go sleep. And y'know what? I'm going to go ambush Haroun and drag him away from whatever he's doing and do that too."

"Well, you know, there are better solutions for tension relief than sleep," Nathan said with a deadpan look, fully prepared to duck.

"You? Are a perverted old man. No cookies for you after all." Sniffing haughtily, Alison rose from the chair and flounced out of the room, pausing only in the doorway to make a face at him before heading off on a Haroun hunt.