Amanda, Manuel - Friday night
Sep. 16th, 2005 09:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsAttempting that quiet dinner Manuel asked for, Amanda and Manuel go out. In the end, nothing more is resolved. It's all secrets and lies and old, old mistakes.
Amanda smoothed down the front of the blouse she was wearing, looking at her reflection in her closet mirror without much enthusiasm. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Manuel it was just... she couldn't pin it down, really. Time spent with Manuel tired her out more times than not these days, with the dancing around his issues and hers, the misunderstandings and the fights and the grudges. Besides, she knew full
well the more time she spent with him the more likely he was to think something was wrong, and she couldn't have that, not now when she was getting somewhere, finally. The magic was working again, much better than it had in ages, and even the background noise of the cravings, the ones she lived with every day, those were starting to go quiet. She felt more in control, more stable, than she had for a while, even if that stability was as hard and cold as one of Bobby's ice sculptures. Locking herself in, locking others out... hadn't Strange told her that was what she had to do?
Just following instructions.
And speaking of instructions, she had places to be. Checking out the black pants and figure-hugging black tank top again, Amanda adjusted the lie of her pendant and wiped a smear of eyeliner away with her thumb. There. Let him accuse her of not making an effort this time. Catching up her jacket and wallet, Amanda left her room, barely acknowledging Marie-Ange's presence in the common area before heading for Manuel's suite.
Manuel, for his part, was dressing down. He wanted Amanda to feel comfortable, to feel familiar, so it was a KMFDM T-shirt that he had bought with her in mind, his oldest pair of jeans, and his Docs. Tonight was going to be a Her night - maybe some punk, maybe a club, whatever she wanted to do. He heard that there was a new Goth club opening up somewhere near Salem Center, and he was
wondering if she might want to go check it out.
As Manuel opened the door, Amanda's eyebrows rose. "Well, bugger," she said, a slightly ironic smile on her face as she leaned on the doorframe with her shoulder. "I've overdressed, have I?"
"Or I am vastly underdressed. I can change, that's no problem. Any idea where you'd like to go out tonight?" While he kept it out of his voice, privately he was _thrilled_ that she'd bothered to clean up to go out. While he was perfectly willing to get down and grubby with the places she liked to go, in all honesty he preferred more upscale locales.
She shrugged. "Thought you just wanted that quiet dinner, so I figured maybe the Thai place. But we can do somethin' else more if you want. Just as long as I'm back for my shift in medlab tomorrow mornin'." While Manuel was keeping his satisfaction out of his voice, he wasn't keeping it off the link, and it irritated her. Strange, since a month ago she would have been glad to have done something he liked. "Don't worry 'bout gettin' changed, 's already late. Let's just go,yeah?"
Manuel was halfway through his closet when she spoke. Blinking, he shrugged. "As you wish. Thai's always good." he said with a smile. "You want to drive or should I?" he asked, proud that he'd remembered _to_ ask instead of just assuming. He wanted this to go well - things were chilly between them, for reasons he couldn't quite identify, and he wanted to warm them up a little.
"You drive. I haven't seen you in action yet," she replied, this time responding a bit more naturally. Manuel had been so proud of getting his licence, and she hadn't been in a state to acknowledge the achievement. She pushed herself upright and turned to
lead the way, not bothering to stop and take his hand like she usually did.
Manuel may not have been Captain Observant, but he'd learned the cutthroat world of etiquette at the hands of a brutal taskmaster. And she was _definitely_ acting oddly - her body-language was all wrong, her emotions were very deliberately being kept cool, and she wasn't
holding his hand like she usually did. More data to chew over. He could tell _already_ that he was going to be in for another sleepless night juggling Amanda's crystal memory-ball and thinking about her. He just _knew_ it. Her lack of ardor cooled his, and by the time they got
to the garage he was almost as uncaring, as unfeeling, as she was. "Any preference as to the auto?" he asked her, making a gesture garage-wards with one hand.
"Anythin'll do. Just as long as it's not anyone's pride an' joy that'll get us into shite - I'm not in the mood for another fight with anyone." she replied. She tended to grab one of the generic car pool vehicles, basic little cars with not much in the way of personality. Cars were transport when there wasn't a decent Tube system, as far as she was concerned.
Manuel glanced at the sign-out sheet, and scrawled his name next to one of the community-pool cars. "Then let's go. Since we're just going out to eat, we don't need the nice wheels." he said with a shrug. So they climbed into one of the Mansion's more prosaic automotive efforts, and the drive to the restaurant was quick and uneventful. Manuel handled the car well, keeping his speed down and cheating outrageously by scanning the roadways for emotional signatures in addition to looking with his eyes.
She didn't mention she'd left what they were doing up to him. In fact, she didn't mention anything at all during the drive, looking out at the darkening scenery and not speaking. A half-moon was visible, and a few stars - she caught herself staring blankly up at the sky until the street lights of Salem Center obscured them. Letting Manuel open the door for her - even while he was reacting to her mood, he still couldn't
let go of his courtly manners - she pulled her jacket around her, feeling a slight chill. The restaurant was quiet at least - they'd get a table with no difficulties despite the lack of booking.
This little hole-in-the-wall Thai place was "their" restaurant - where they went when they wanted to be normal, where they went after a night hitting the clubs, and where they went when they got itchy feet. But she seemed blind to the significance - she was content to stare out a window, or fiddle with her menu, or do anything else other than act like she wanted to be out with him. Maybe that was it - the light had finally died, and this was her way of telling him to piss off. Well, if that was the case, he wasn't going to let her off the hook _that_ easily. She wanted him to piss off, fine, but she'd have to _say so_ and explain her reasons why. He'd done _nothing_ recently to deserve this sort of treatment.
Amanda could feel his frustration and resentment building, and it only fuelled the distance. So fucking demanding, always wanting, never backing off. Even when he did give her space it was done as a grand gesture, in a way that was meant to show the world what a wonderful boyfriend he was. The time apart had thrown their life together into sharp relief, and she could see every subtle manipulation, every small cruelty. And a part of her revelled in the feelings squeezing through the link despite his best efforts at remaining aloof. It worried her.
Laying down her fork - the food had been ordered and arrived and still they'd barely spoken to each other - she looked at him. "I'm sorry," she said at last. "I'm a bit... off lately." Another ironic twist of her mouth. "You might've noticed."
Manuel smiled charmingly at her and nodded. "I wasn't pressing the issue. I figured that you'd work through it in your own way, at your own pace, and when it was dealt with you'd let me know." he said. It wasn't nearly that neat and clean in reality, but in theory that was the plan. "Things have been difficult for you of late."
She snorted a little. "Just a bit." Picking up the fork again, since she needed to do something with her hands, Amanda pushed food idly around on her plate. It was as good as always, but she'd barely eaten more than a few mouthfuls. She didn't seem to need to eat lately. "You asked me before, what I wanted. An' I told you, that I wanted t' be strong. All of this..." She waved the fork vaguely in the air above her plate. "... lately, it's part of that. I've needed t' focus on meself for a while, pull meself together after the whole withdrawal thing, make sure I was safe t' be around people again."
"And I've tried my best to give you that space." he said encouragingly. He hadn't missed that she'd been mostly pushing her food around her plate - another distinctly unwelcome change from the Bottomless Pit of Brighton. "And it is still my hope that when you've done what you need to do that you ... you will still want me there, with you. Of late, I've been wondering." he said, and then exhaled.
She'd been wondering that herself. "I love you," she said at last, eyes fixed on her plate. "As much as someone like me can love someone, I love you. But I want t' stop bein' hurt, t' be strong. You..." She took a breath and forced herself to look up at him. "You make me feel weak, Manny. You twist me around until I don't know what's what any more. You keep doin' the same things t' hurt me, an' I forgive you every time. I look around at everyone else, an' see how it is with them, an' think that's the way it's supposed t' be. Only it isn't. An' I'm tired of hatin' meself 'cause I let you get away with bein' a shit." There, she'd said it. Now let him go off on the tirade about how wrong she was.
Manuel smiled as she spoke the words, like he always did, but he knew her heart wasn't in it. "No you don't. Not like you used to." he said sadly. "We're different people now. Saner, in a lot of ways. Stronger." he said. "But I want the chance to make this work with the new us. You and I, equals, together. Not me over you or you over me or us constantly clawing at each other." he said in a single breath. "But standing side-by-side, the way it should be. We have not known love, not like it is supposed to be. Either an abusive taskmaster who used you as his personal battery and punching-bag or the distant Machaivellian womanizer who always looked for advantage, leverage, opportunity. Neither of them are healthy, and neither of them are what we need to be."
She chuckled softly, shaking her head. "Just when I think I've got you figured, you go an' surprise me," she said. And there was something inside her that was twisting painfully because of it. "Why?" she asked at last. "Why's it so important to you that we try an' make this work? I drive you balmy, I push every button you have, you know I do. I'm coarse an' common an' I embarrass you. Even my power gets in the way."
Manuel shrugged. "Because I remember a high-as-a-kite girl with a towel wrapped around her head who glitterbombed Shinobi Shaw." he said with a chuckle. "I remember a glade in Spain and a pub in England. Because you saw through my damage and yours to someone who was worth knowing." he said, laying himself open to her. "Because through it all, though all of the crap in our lives, there has been one thing that has always been there for me. You." he said simply. "That's what it boils down to. Sure, we fight. We fight a _lot_. We get mad, we scream at each other, we say stupid things that pisses the other off. We're learning. It's often slower than we'd both like and slower than it should be, but we are learning."
The tears that pricked her eyes were sudden, shocking. She hadn't thought he could still get this sort of reaction from her, not after everything. "I don't know... I don't think I can be, Manny. There for you. Not if I'm gunna see things through." Amanda swallowed heavily, the lump in her throat choking her words to a whisper. Looking up again, eyes brimming and threatening the makeup, she choked out: "I'm not that
girl you remember. Not now."
"I know that." he said softly, fighting down his own emotions which were threatening to completely spill out of control - and given that he was who he was, that would be a Bad Thing Indeed. "I'm not that guy either. But if you want to save this - if you want to at least _try_ - let me know. Not tonight, not right now, but soon." he said, covering his fight for control by drinking deeply from his glass of water. "I want to try. But only if that's what you want, too. I think I'm entitled to a little truth." he said with a shrug.
Truth. It hovered on the tip of her tongue to tell him everything, but he wouldn't understand, none of them would. Hell, she didn't understand it sometimes, but it was working, and that was what mattered. For the first time since she'd arrived at the school, she was getting to be in control again. Whatever else Selene was, she was keeping her side of the deal, and Amanda couldn't back out now. Not unless she wanted to lose everything she'd gained. So she went with evasion. It had served her well up til now. "I can't tell you now," she murmured, putting her fork down again and carefully blotting her eyes with the napkin once she was sure she was back in control of herself. "I need t' think, try an' work out what I want. What's best for both of us." Only she knew the answer to that already, and she didn't want to go there.
Manuel nodded. "I understand, completely." he said with a smile. "Well, that was painful, but I think it worked out well." he said, the tension visibly ebbing away from him. For the first time in weeks, he felt almost cheerful about the whole situation. Hope was a powerful drug, and he could get addicted to this feeling. "Take as much time as you need. Figure out what you want, who you are, and where you want to go. And if there's a place there for me, I want it. To be there, with you, to discover it." he babbled.
The babble cut like a knife, but she gave him a small, shaky smile. "Thanks, Manny," she said, all the while calling herself a coward. Why couldn't he have reacted the way she'd expected him to? "I'll try not t' keep you hangin' too long." She looked at her plate again, and her stomach rolled, protesting against the idea of more food. "You done? Maybe we could go for a drive, somewhere quiet an' just... I dunno. Be? All this talk an' the rest has worn me out."
Manuel grinned. "Whatever you want. I was originally going to ask if you wanted to hit that new Goth club uptown, but I'm not dressed for it, and right now clubbing isn't what I want to do." he said. What he really wanted to do was take Amanda into that cramped little car and fuck her until she screamed, but that wasn't going to happen.
Dammit.
The arrangements made and the bill paid, Manuel escorted Amanda out to the car and held the door open for her like he usually did. "One drive, coming right up." he said with a smile. "And, since I don't think I mentioned it, I really like that top. Suits you well." he said with a grin.
"You hadn't, but thanks." Amanda slid into the front passenger seat, still carefully avoiding touching him. His power reacted to touch, and it was all she could do - with a little help - to control what came down her end of the link without making it obvious she was holding back. "Didn't Dani mention there's a field somewhere she likes t' go when she needs t' get away from people? We could go there?"
Manuel nodded. "I know _just_ the place." he said, and drove off into the night - a little wilder this time, faster, freer. "I'm glad we went out tonight." he told her with a smile.
"Yeah. Me too," she replied, glancing over at him. You'd think she'd be used to the rapid shifts of mood by now, but it nonplussed her every time. "We needed t' talk."
"We still do, but the next move is yours." he said with a smile. "I'll be there when you want me to listen." After about a half-hour of whipping through the back-roads of Upstate New York and an entire CD of Manny's club beats, he pulled off onto a little dirt track. "Almost there now." he said with a smile. "Sky as open as anything you could ever want."
"Sounds perfect - I've been spending too much time inside, between medlab an' the studyin'." A faint smile touched her mouth. "Clarice is startin' t' make comments 'bout me gettin' too pale even for a Brit." Manuel drove the way he did everything else, with a certain degree of recklessness born of confidence in his abilities, but she'd driven with far worse in her time. It was sort of fun, even. And getting away from
the school was definitely a bonus, given the way things were closing in on her. She and Marie-Ange had barely spoken since the night the other girl had returned from New Orleans, mostly due to Amanda avoiding her as much as she reasonably could. And then the scene with Jubilee the other day. Normal was becoming difficult to hang onto, when all she wanted to do was cut loose and scream her frustration and anger and fear.
Manuel basked in the light of her approval. She was still hiding things from him, but long sessions with Samson and Xavier and even Lusanya had rammed the point home that _everyone_ had secrets. Little things they felt guilty about, or pleased about, or frightened of, of any one of a million other tiny little things. He had to accept this as a part of human nature, no matter how illogical or silly it seemed to him. He pulled the car into the field, and then killed the engine. "So here we are." he said unnecessarily. "This is where Danielle and I go when we just need to scream, or to rail, or to sit and meditate in a quiet place."
"I hope she doesn't mind you sharin'," Amanda said, remembering too late that people felt protective of the places they considered theirs. Especially the personal ones. She eased the door open any way, and got out, pausing to just stretch upwards, back popping a little. Too much time spent curled up in chairs. The air was cool, but not chilly, and somewhere not far off came the musical croak of frogs. But apart from that, it was quiet, and she drank it in, almost forgetting everything that had been happening over the past few months. "'S nice," she murmured, not wanting to break the spell with a loud voice - even her accent softened slightly. "I can see why you come here."
"She won't mind. She can't read the traces anyway, not like I can." he said modestly. He moved out from the car and sat in a lotus position, staring off idly into the darkness and letting all the stress, the aggravation, the pressures of life in the pressure-cooker that was Xavier's roll off of him. He sent them all straight up into the night sky, away from anyone else around him.
Amanda moved away slightly, not wanting to crowd him. It was the moments like this, the good times that made her keep holding on. 'But they don't last. You know they don't,' that inner voice whispered, and she sighed a little. "I know," she said aloud, barely audibly. If she could get a guarantee, a promise that things would change this time, then she'd probably tell him everything. But there were no guarantees, and the cynic in her knew better than to expect them. She ought to let him go, she knew that, but after all the losses she had, she didn't have it in her to force another. Without even thinking, she dug in her pocket for her cigarettes. lighting one with the fire spell, something she hadn't done since November last year. The smoke echoed the comforting warmth of the small spell, and she exhaled slowly, unconsciously echoing Manuel's meditative breathing.
It didn't take long for Manuel to return to as close to centered as he ever got. Rising, he stretched out his neck and rolled his shoulders. "Spare me one?" he asked, gesturing to her cigarettes. "I could use a good smoke." He felt better - lighter, more relaxed, more capable. The burden of this conversation had been hanging on him like a stone. Loki would laugh, he thought with a mental chuckle. But then Loki often laughed at the foibles of Midgarders.
She held out the packet to him, and when he took one, lit it with a word and a gesture. "Thought you'd stopped again," she said with a small smile, tucking the pack and her free hand into her pocket. "People keep at me t' give up, for Meg's sake if anyone's, but I can't."
"You know me." he said with a small chuckle around his smoke. "I'm big into doing what feels good. And right now, this tastes amazing." he said with a smile. It did, too, which was an oddity. "Maybe next week I'll shoot heroin." he said, clearly making a joke of it. "And you should only fight so many battles at once. Like that TV show Doug is so fond of says, only the heir to the throne of a kingdom of idiots fights a war on twelve fronts." he said, twisting his voice into something vaguely Eastern European. "Not my favorite character from that show, but probably my second-favorite."
"Hey, we could be junkies together," she replied lightly, looking up at the clear sky. The moon was setting, but there was still plenty of light. Part of her remembered New Mexico, and the feeling of falling up into the sky. Oh, for the power for levitation... It repersented freedom as much as it ever had. He feet lifted ever-so-slightly from the ground, and she glanced down, seeing grass withering slightly around where her feet had been. Not yet. "An' look at you with the pop culture references an' all. Still, it's a good one t' remember - next time someone's at me t' quit, I'll quote that at 'em," she continued, as if nothing had happened. Around her neck the charm glowed, clear light like the moonlight around them, and she shivered a little.
Manuel caught her attempt to fly. "Still can't quite reach the sky, eh? For a while there, I couldn't stand to look at the night sky. It made me afraid - I hadn't seen it in years, after all. And then the full moon scared me for a while, but Romany took care of that for me. How is she doing, anyway? I sent her a letter, but she never responded. I wonder if I had the wrong address or something." he mused out loud. "Now, I like looking up at the sky. It's almost like there's a vast promise out there."
"I'll make it one day," Amanda replied with quiet conviction and none of the usual doubt. She was beating this, and one day she would make it. Simple as that. "Rom's... all right. She's keepin' clear - she decided it'd be best, after Pete became White King. She probably didn't answer 'cause she didn't want t' remind you of what he'd done t' your dad." She said the words plainly, almost daring him to react - he'd brought it up, after all, and she wasn't going to shy away from things for his sake. Romany was Pete's sister, Manuel knew that. "She figured it was best not t' stir up trouble."
Manuel audibly ground his teeth. That was a reminder he didn't need, and Amanda had just brought it all back for him. "True." he said, as pleasantly as he could manage. "A pity. Despite it all, I enjoyed my time at her coven." he said. "Despite her blood tie to my father's assassin." he said, just as plainly, to see how she'd react.
"I'm sure she feels the same way 'bout the son of the man who had her dad killed, an' her foster daughter beaten to a pulp." Amanda glanced over at him, expression unreadable. "You really want t' do this?"
"You'd be surprised." he said, and left it at that, letting the conversation die in favor of enjoying the last of his cigarette. So much for his meditation-induced good mood - the mention of his father's assassin, and by extension the non-avenged status of the Last of the de la Rochas, combined to wreck his mood as thoroughly as little else could. So he settled for leaning against the car and amusing himself with thoughts of creative and bloody vengeance.
And that was why she doubted they'd be able to do this. So much for trying. Amanda finished her cigarette, crushing the butt under her boot before moving to the car. Driver's side, this time. "Let's go," she said abruptly. "I think we're done here."
Manuel blinked out of his homicidal daydream and looked at Amanda. "You sure?" he asked, swinging over into concerned mode. "We've only been here a little while..." he added lamely, before shrugging. "All right. You drive this time." he said, tossing her the keys.
The throw went slightly wide, and she snagged the keys with her telekinetic spell, getting into the car with short, sharp movements. There was too much shite between them, too many issues for them to even begin working out, even if they tried. Love couldn't conquerv everything, not murder and betrayal and family. Amanda didn't speak during the drive back to the school, concentrating on the road, speeding just a little but
never dangerously, his music on loud. Then at last the mansion gates appeared in the headlights, and she pulled into the drive. Only when she'd parked in the garage and turned the engine off did she finally break her silence. "I wish things were different," she said quietly, hands still on the steering wheel.
"So do I." he said simply. "The Will to Power. If we want them to be different, they will be." he said.
"But do we want them to? That's the one billion quid question." Amanda leaned her forehead against the steering wheel, closing her eyes. "I wish I'd said no," she murmured, and then turned her head to look at him. "Back last year, when you asked me t' go t' the Hellfire Club with you. I wish I'd said no. I should have."
Manuel shrugged. "Playing the what-if game will drive us both mad. Madder." he said. "So yes, it sucks, and yes, for us it was a pretty horrible decision. But it's -done-, unless one of us manifests an ability to travel back in time." he said.
"I'm workin' on it. There's a spell..." She snorted a little at his expression. "Just jokin'." Leaning back in the driver's seat, she stretched a little. "My back's bloody killing me with all that sittin'."
Manuel looked Amanda up and down. "Hey, if you're feeling that stiff, come on up with me. I give great massage, you know that. Get all that nasty tension right out of you." he said with a grin. "Strong, gentle hands, a glass of wine, candlelight...?" he offered.
Skin to skin contact, with his power, relaxing shields and him finding out everything. Then the dampeners or drugs or Tante coming. All ending with you being stripped of your powers. Do you want them to make you weak, helpless, vulnerable? It's what _they_ want. Amanda
couldn't tell if the thought was her own or... someone else's, echoing her fears the way it did. She pulled her hands away from the steering wheel, out of reach, and moved to open the door. "It's all right. I'll just have a hot bath or somethin'."
Manuel didn't really want to get as offended as he did. But he felt the hot stab of betrayal and anger anyway. "Fine." he said, a little more coldly and stiffly than he really intended. "I'll catch you around, Amanda." he said, and got out of the car.
Conscience pricked. "Manuel, wait." Incredibly, he did, and she climbed out of the car to look at him over its roof. "It's not you, it's just... complicated, is all. I can't explain it, not yet." She offered him a small tentative smile. "I... thanks, for tonight. What you said... it means somethin' to me. I just need a bit more time, is all."
Manuel nodded jerkily. "Sure." he said, his tone warming a little. She was playing him - every instinct he had screamed that she was playing him. But he ignored them, because he wanted to believe that Amanda wouldn't do that. That she was honestly conflicted, with her addiction and recovery and all of it. That she needed time. "I'll be around if you want to talk." Unfortunately, not only did she not have any interest in talking right now, but he had an Urgent Biological Necessity that she didn't seem like she was going to let him relieve.
That last part came through the link, loud and clear. Possibly because it was 'assisted'. Amanda sighed, suddenly feeling defeated. He was trying, she knew that, and she was stringing him along horribly. "Look, Manny..." she began, not really looking at him. "I don't know how long this'll take. Before I can..." She made a vague gesture. "Feel like that. Maybe you should..." Letting the sentence hang for a moment, she took a deep breath. "Maybe we should change that agreement. The one about not bein' with other people."
Manuel blinked at that. Part of him wanted to take her words and run with them. But another part was infinitely saddened. "We'll talk about it later, OK?" he said tiredly, and then turned to go.
They ought to finish this here and now, but she couldn't push. Not when he'd been bending over backwards to give her the space and time she needed. "Sure, we'll talk," she replied, watching him go. "Sleep well, love," she added, so softly he couldn't hear her in the large, echoing space. Then she locked up the car and went to sign the keys back in.
Amanda smoothed down the front of the blouse she was wearing, looking at her reflection in her closet mirror without much enthusiasm. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Manuel it was just... she couldn't pin it down, really. Time spent with Manuel tired her out more times than not these days, with the dancing around his issues and hers, the misunderstandings and the fights and the grudges. Besides, she knew full
well the more time she spent with him the more likely he was to think something was wrong, and she couldn't have that, not now when she was getting somewhere, finally. The magic was working again, much better than it had in ages, and even the background noise of the cravings, the ones she lived with every day, those were starting to go quiet. She felt more in control, more stable, than she had for a while, even if that stability was as hard and cold as one of Bobby's ice sculptures. Locking herself in, locking others out... hadn't Strange told her that was what she had to do?
Just following instructions.
And speaking of instructions, she had places to be. Checking out the black pants and figure-hugging black tank top again, Amanda adjusted the lie of her pendant and wiped a smear of eyeliner away with her thumb. There. Let him accuse her of not making an effort this time. Catching up her jacket and wallet, Amanda left her room, barely acknowledging Marie-Ange's presence in the common area before heading for Manuel's suite.
Manuel, for his part, was dressing down. He wanted Amanda to feel comfortable, to feel familiar, so it was a KMFDM T-shirt that he had bought with her in mind, his oldest pair of jeans, and his Docs. Tonight was going to be a Her night - maybe some punk, maybe a club, whatever she wanted to do. He heard that there was a new Goth club opening up somewhere near Salem Center, and he was
wondering if she might want to go check it out.
As Manuel opened the door, Amanda's eyebrows rose. "Well, bugger," she said, a slightly ironic smile on her face as she leaned on the doorframe with her shoulder. "I've overdressed, have I?"
"Or I am vastly underdressed. I can change, that's no problem. Any idea where you'd like to go out tonight?" While he kept it out of his voice, privately he was _thrilled_ that she'd bothered to clean up to go out. While he was perfectly willing to get down and grubby with the places she liked to go, in all honesty he preferred more upscale locales.
She shrugged. "Thought you just wanted that quiet dinner, so I figured maybe the Thai place. But we can do somethin' else more if you want. Just as long as I'm back for my shift in medlab tomorrow mornin'." While Manuel was keeping his satisfaction out of his voice, he wasn't keeping it off the link, and it irritated her. Strange, since a month ago she would have been glad to have done something he liked. "Don't worry 'bout gettin' changed, 's already late. Let's just go,yeah?"
Manuel was halfway through his closet when she spoke. Blinking, he shrugged. "As you wish. Thai's always good." he said with a smile. "You want to drive or should I?" he asked, proud that he'd remembered _to_ ask instead of just assuming. He wanted this to go well - things were chilly between them, for reasons he couldn't quite identify, and he wanted to warm them up a little.
"You drive. I haven't seen you in action yet," she replied, this time responding a bit more naturally. Manuel had been so proud of getting his licence, and she hadn't been in a state to acknowledge the achievement. She pushed herself upright and turned to
lead the way, not bothering to stop and take his hand like she usually did.
Manuel may not have been Captain Observant, but he'd learned the cutthroat world of etiquette at the hands of a brutal taskmaster. And she was _definitely_ acting oddly - her body-language was all wrong, her emotions were very deliberately being kept cool, and she wasn't
holding his hand like she usually did. More data to chew over. He could tell _already_ that he was going to be in for another sleepless night juggling Amanda's crystal memory-ball and thinking about her. He just _knew_ it. Her lack of ardor cooled his, and by the time they got
to the garage he was almost as uncaring, as unfeeling, as she was. "Any preference as to the auto?" he asked her, making a gesture garage-wards with one hand.
"Anythin'll do. Just as long as it's not anyone's pride an' joy that'll get us into shite - I'm not in the mood for another fight with anyone." she replied. She tended to grab one of the generic car pool vehicles, basic little cars with not much in the way of personality. Cars were transport when there wasn't a decent Tube system, as far as she was concerned.
Manuel glanced at the sign-out sheet, and scrawled his name next to one of the community-pool cars. "Then let's go. Since we're just going out to eat, we don't need the nice wheels." he said with a shrug. So they climbed into one of the Mansion's more prosaic automotive efforts, and the drive to the restaurant was quick and uneventful. Manuel handled the car well, keeping his speed down and cheating outrageously by scanning the roadways for emotional signatures in addition to looking with his eyes.
She didn't mention she'd left what they were doing up to him. In fact, she didn't mention anything at all during the drive, looking out at the darkening scenery and not speaking. A half-moon was visible, and a few stars - she caught herself staring blankly up at the sky until the street lights of Salem Center obscured them. Letting Manuel open the door for her - even while he was reacting to her mood, he still couldn't
let go of his courtly manners - she pulled her jacket around her, feeling a slight chill. The restaurant was quiet at least - they'd get a table with no difficulties despite the lack of booking.
This little hole-in-the-wall Thai place was "their" restaurant - where they went when they wanted to be normal, where they went after a night hitting the clubs, and where they went when they got itchy feet. But she seemed blind to the significance - she was content to stare out a window, or fiddle with her menu, or do anything else other than act like she wanted to be out with him. Maybe that was it - the light had finally died, and this was her way of telling him to piss off. Well, if that was the case, he wasn't going to let her off the hook _that_ easily. She wanted him to piss off, fine, but she'd have to _say so_ and explain her reasons why. He'd done _nothing_ recently to deserve this sort of treatment.
Amanda could feel his frustration and resentment building, and it only fuelled the distance. So fucking demanding, always wanting, never backing off. Even when he did give her space it was done as a grand gesture, in a way that was meant to show the world what a wonderful boyfriend he was. The time apart had thrown their life together into sharp relief, and she could see every subtle manipulation, every small cruelty. And a part of her revelled in the feelings squeezing through the link despite his best efforts at remaining aloof. It worried her.
Laying down her fork - the food had been ordered and arrived and still they'd barely spoken to each other - she looked at him. "I'm sorry," she said at last. "I'm a bit... off lately." Another ironic twist of her mouth. "You might've noticed."
Manuel smiled charmingly at her and nodded. "I wasn't pressing the issue. I figured that you'd work through it in your own way, at your own pace, and when it was dealt with you'd let me know." he said. It wasn't nearly that neat and clean in reality, but in theory that was the plan. "Things have been difficult for you of late."
She snorted a little. "Just a bit." Picking up the fork again, since she needed to do something with her hands, Amanda pushed food idly around on her plate. It was as good as always, but she'd barely eaten more than a few mouthfuls. She didn't seem to need to eat lately. "You asked me before, what I wanted. An' I told you, that I wanted t' be strong. All of this..." She waved the fork vaguely in the air above her plate. "... lately, it's part of that. I've needed t' focus on meself for a while, pull meself together after the whole withdrawal thing, make sure I was safe t' be around people again."
"And I've tried my best to give you that space." he said encouragingly. He hadn't missed that she'd been mostly pushing her food around her plate - another distinctly unwelcome change from the Bottomless Pit of Brighton. "And it is still my hope that when you've done what you need to do that you ... you will still want me there, with you. Of late, I've been wondering." he said, and then exhaled.
She'd been wondering that herself. "I love you," she said at last, eyes fixed on her plate. "As much as someone like me can love someone, I love you. But I want t' stop bein' hurt, t' be strong. You..." She took a breath and forced herself to look up at him. "You make me feel weak, Manny. You twist me around until I don't know what's what any more. You keep doin' the same things t' hurt me, an' I forgive you every time. I look around at everyone else, an' see how it is with them, an' think that's the way it's supposed t' be. Only it isn't. An' I'm tired of hatin' meself 'cause I let you get away with bein' a shit." There, she'd said it. Now let him go off on the tirade about how wrong she was.
Manuel smiled as she spoke the words, like he always did, but he knew her heart wasn't in it. "No you don't. Not like you used to." he said sadly. "We're different people now. Saner, in a lot of ways. Stronger." he said. "But I want the chance to make this work with the new us. You and I, equals, together. Not me over you or you over me or us constantly clawing at each other." he said in a single breath. "But standing side-by-side, the way it should be. We have not known love, not like it is supposed to be. Either an abusive taskmaster who used you as his personal battery and punching-bag or the distant Machaivellian womanizer who always looked for advantage, leverage, opportunity. Neither of them are healthy, and neither of them are what we need to be."
She chuckled softly, shaking her head. "Just when I think I've got you figured, you go an' surprise me," she said. And there was something inside her that was twisting painfully because of it. "Why?" she asked at last. "Why's it so important to you that we try an' make this work? I drive you balmy, I push every button you have, you know I do. I'm coarse an' common an' I embarrass you. Even my power gets in the way."
Manuel shrugged. "Because I remember a high-as-a-kite girl with a towel wrapped around her head who glitterbombed Shinobi Shaw." he said with a chuckle. "I remember a glade in Spain and a pub in England. Because you saw through my damage and yours to someone who was worth knowing." he said, laying himself open to her. "Because through it all, though all of the crap in our lives, there has been one thing that has always been there for me. You." he said simply. "That's what it boils down to. Sure, we fight. We fight a _lot_. We get mad, we scream at each other, we say stupid things that pisses the other off. We're learning. It's often slower than we'd both like and slower than it should be, but we are learning."
The tears that pricked her eyes were sudden, shocking. She hadn't thought he could still get this sort of reaction from her, not after everything. "I don't know... I don't think I can be, Manny. There for you. Not if I'm gunna see things through." Amanda swallowed heavily, the lump in her throat choking her words to a whisper. Looking up again, eyes brimming and threatening the makeup, she choked out: "I'm not that
girl you remember. Not now."
"I know that." he said softly, fighting down his own emotions which were threatening to completely spill out of control - and given that he was who he was, that would be a Bad Thing Indeed. "I'm not that guy either. But if you want to save this - if you want to at least _try_ - let me know. Not tonight, not right now, but soon." he said, covering his fight for control by drinking deeply from his glass of water. "I want to try. But only if that's what you want, too. I think I'm entitled to a little truth." he said with a shrug.
Truth. It hovered on the tip of her tongue to tell him everything, but he wouldn't understand, none of them would. Hell, she didn't understand it sometimes, but it was working, and that was what mattered. For the first time since she'd arrived at the school, she was getting to be in control again. Whatever else Selene was, she was keeping her side of the deal, and Amanda couldn't back out now. Not unless she wanted to lose everything she'd gained. So she went with evasion. It had served her well up til now. "I can't tell you now," she murmured, putting her fork down again and carefully blotting her eyes with the napkin once she was sure she was back in control of herself. "I need t' think, try an' work out what I want. What's best for both of us." Only she knew the answer to that already, and she didn't want to go there.
Manuel nodded. "I understand, completely." he said with a smile. "Well, that was painful, but I think it worked out well." he said, the tension visibly ebbing away from him. For the first time in weeks, he felt almost cheerful about the whole situation. Hope was a powerful drug, and he could get addicted to this feeling. "Take as much time as you need. Figure out what you want, who you are, and where you want to go. And if there's a place there for me, I want it. To be there, with you, to discover it." he babbled.
The babble cut like a knife, but she gave him a small, shaky smile. "Thanks, Manny," she said, all the while calling herself a coward. Why couldn't he have reacted the way she'd expected him to? "I'll try not t' keep you hangin' too long." She looked at her plate again, and her stomach rolled, protesting against the idea of more food. "You done? Maybe we could go for a drive, somewhere quiet an' just... I dunno. Be? All this talk an' the rest has worn me out."
Manuel grinned. "Whatever you want. I was originally going to ask if you wanted to hit that new Goth club uptown, but I'm not dressed for it, and right now clubbing isn't what I want to do." he said. What he really wanted to do was take Amanda into that cramped little car and fuck her until she screamed, but that wasn't going to happen.
Dammit.
The arrangements made and the bill paid, Manuel escorted Amanda out to the car and held the door open for her like he usually did. "One drive, coming right up." he said with a smile. "And, since I don't think I mentioned it, I really like that top. Suits you well." he said with a grin.
"You hadn't, but thanks." Amanda slid into the front passenger seat, still carefully avoiding touching him. His power reacted to touch, and it was all she could do - with a little help - to control what came down her end of the link without making it obvious she was holding back. "Didn't Dani mention there's a field somewhere she likes t' go when she needs t' get away from people? We could go there?"
Manuel nodded. "I know _just_ the place." he said, and drove off into the night - a little wilder this time, faster, freer. "I'm glad we went out tonight." he told her with a smile.
"Yeah. Me too," she replied, glancing over at him. You'd think she'd be used to the rapid shifts of mood by now, but it nonplussed her every time. "We needed t' talk."
"We still do, but the next move is yours." he said with a smile. "I'll be there when you want me to listen." After about a half-hour of whipping through the back-roads of Upstate New York and an entire CD of Manny's club beats, he pulled off onto a little dirt track. "Almost there now." he said with a smile. "Sky as open as anything you could ever want."
"Sounds perfect - I've been spending too much time inside, between medlab an' the studyin'." A faint smile touched her mouth. "Clarice is startin' t' make comments 'bout me gettin' too pale even for a Brit." Manuel drove the way he did everything else, with a certain degree of recklessness born of confidence in his abilities, but she'd driven with far worse in her time. It was sort of fun, even. And getting away from
the school was definitely a bonus, given the way things were closing in on her. She and Marie-Ange had barely spoken since the night the other girl had returned from New Orleans, mostly due to Amanda avoiding her as much as she reasonably could. And then the scene with Jubilee the other day. Normal was becoming difficult to hang onto, when all she wanted to do was cut loose and scream her frustration and anger and fear.
Manuel basked in the light of her approval. She was still hiding things from him, but long sessions with Samson and Xavier and even Lusanya had rammed the point home that _everyone_ had secrets. Little things they felt guilty about, or pleased about, or frightened of, of any one of a million other tiny little things. He had to accept this as a part of human nature, no matter how illogical or silly it seemed to him. He pulled the car into the field, and then killed the engine. "So here we are." he said unnecessarily. "This is where Danielle and I go when we just need to scream, or to rail, or to sit and meditate in a quiet place."
"I hope she doesn't mind you sharin'," Amanda said, remembering too late that people felt protective of the places they considered theirs. Especially the personal ones. She eased the door open any way, and got out, pausing to just stretch upwards, back popping a little. Too much time spent curled up in chairs. The air was cool, but not chilly, and somewhere not far off came the musical croak of frogs. But apart from that, it was quiet, and she drank it in, almost forgetting everything that had been happening over the past few months. "'S nice," she murmured, not wanting to break the spell with a loud voice - even her accent softened slightly. "I can see why you come here."
"She won't mind. She can't read the traces anyway, not like I can." he said modestly. He moved out from the car and sat in a lotus position, staring off idly into the darkness and letting all the stress, the aggravation, the pressures of life in the pressure-cooker that was Xavier's roll off of him. He sent them all straight up into the night sky, away from anyone else around him.
Amanda moved away slightly, not wanting to crowd him. It was the moments like this, the good times that made her keep holding on. 'But they don't last. You know they don't,' that inner voice whispered, and she sighed a little. "I know," she said aloud, barely audibly. If she could get a guarantee, a promise that things would change this time, then she'd probably tell him everything. But there were no guarantees, and the cynic in her knew better than to expect them. She ought to let him go, she knew that, but after all the losses she had, she didn't have it in her to force another. Without even thinking, she dug in her pocket for her cigarettes. lighting one with the fire spell, something she hadn't done since November last year. The smoke echoed the comforting warmth of the small spell, and she exhaled slowly, unconsciously echoing Manuel's meditative breathing.
It didn't take long for Manuel to return to as close to centered as he ever got. Rising, he stretched out his neck and rolled his shoulders. "Spare me one?" he asked, gesturing to her cigarettes. "I could use a good smoke." He felt better - lighter, more relaxed, more capable. The burden of this conversation had been hanging on him like a stone. Loki would laugh, he thought with a mental chuckle. But then Loki often laughed at the foibles of Midgarders.
She held out the packet to him, and when he took one, lit it with a word and a gesture. "Thought you'd stopped again," she said with a small smile, tucking the pack and her free hand into her pocket. "People keep at me t' give up, for Meg's sake if anyone's, but I can't."
"You know me." he said with a small chuckle around his smoke. "I'm big into doing what feels good. And right now, this tastes amazing." he said with a smile. It did, too, which was an oddity. "Maybe next week I'll shoot heroin." he said, clearly making a joke of it. "And you should only fight so many battles at once. Like that TV show Doug is so fond of says, only the heir to the throne of a kingdom of idiots fights a war on twelve fronts." he said, twisting his voice into something vaguely Eastern European. "Not my favorite character from that show, but probably my second-favorite."
"Hey, we could be junkies together," she replied lightly, looking up at the clear sky. The moon was setting, but there was still plenty of light. Part of her remembered New Mexico, and the feeling of falling up into the sky. Oh, for the power for levitation... It repersented freedom as much as it ever had. He feet lifted ever-so-slightly from the ground, and she glanced down, seeing grass withering slightly around where her feet had been. Not yet. "An' look at you with the pop culture references an' all. Still, it's a good one t' remember - next time someone's at me t' quit, I'll quote that at 'em," she continued, as if nothing had happened. Around her neck the charm glowed, clear light like the moonlight around them, and she shivered a little.
Manuel caught her attempt to fly. "Still can't quite reach the sky, eh? For a while there, I couldn't stand to look at the night sky. It made me afraid - I hadn't seen it in years, after all. And then the full moon scared me for a while, but Romany took care of that for me. How is she doing, anyway? I sent her a letter, but she never responded. I wonder if I had the wrong address or something." he mused out loud. "Now, I like looking up at the sky. It's almost like there's a vast promise out there."
"I'll make it one day," Amanda replied with quiet conviction and none of the usual doubt. She was beating this, and one day she would make it. Simple as that. "Rom's... all right. She's keepin' clear - she decided it'd be best, after Pete became White King. She probably didn't answer 'cause she didn't want t' remind you of what he'd done t' your dad." She said the words plainly, almost daring him to react - he'd brought it up, after all, and she wasn't going to shy away from things for his sake. Romany was Pete's sister, Manuel knew that. "She figured it was best not t' stir up trouble."
Manuel audibly ground his teeth. That was a reminder he didn't need, and Amanda had just brought it all back for him. "True." he said, as pleasantly as he could manage. "A pity. Despite it all, I enjoyed my time at her coven." he said. "Despite her blood tie to my father's assassin." he said, just as plainly, to see how she'd react.
"I'm sure she feels the same way 'bout the son of the man who had her dad killed, an' her foster daughter beaten to a pulp." Amanda glanced over at him, expression unreadable. "You really want t' do this?"
"You'd be surprised." he said, and left it at that, letting the conversation die in favor of enjoying the last of his cigarette. So much for his meditation-induced good mood - the mention of his father's assassin, and by extension the non-avenged status of the Last of the de la Rochas, combined to wreck his mood as thoroughly as little else could. So he settled for leaning against the car and amusing himself with thoughts of creative and bloody vengeance.
And that was why she doubted they'd be able to do this. So much for trying. Amanda finished her cigarette, crushing the butt under her boot before moving to the car. Driver's side, this time. "Let's go," she said abruptly. "I think we're done here."
Manuel blinked out of his homicidal daydream and looked at Amanda. "You sure?" he asked, swinging over into concerned mode. "We've only been here a little while..." he added lamely, before shrugging. "All right. You drive this time." he said, tossing her the keys.
The throw went slightly wide, and she snagged the keys with her telekinetic spell, getting into the car with short, sharp movements. There was too much shite between them, too many issues for them to even begin working out, even if they tried. Love couldn't conquerv everything, not murder and betrayal and family. Amanda didn't speak during the drive back to the school, concentrating on the road, speeding just a little but
never dangerously, his music on loud. Then at last the mansion gates appeared in the headlights, and she pulled into the drive. Only when she'd parked in the garage and turned the engine off did she finally break her silence. "I wish things were different," she said quietly, hands still on the steering wheel.
"So do I." he said simply. "The Will to Power. If we want them to be different, they will be." he said.
"But do we want them to? That's the one billion quid question." Amanda leaned her forehead against the steering wheel, closing her eyes. "I wish I'd said no," she murmured, and then turned her head to look at him. "Back last year, when you asked me t' go t' the Hellfire Club with you. I wish I'd said no. I should have."
Manuel shrugged. "Playing the what-if game will drive us both mad. Madder." he said. "So yes, it sucks, and yes, for us it was a pretty horrible decision. But it's -done-, unless one of us manifests an ability to travel back in time." he said.
"I'm workin' on it. There's a spell..." She snorted a little at his expression. "Just jokin'." Leaning back in the driver's seat, she stretched a little. "My back's bloody killing me with all that sittin'."
Manuel looked Amanda up and down. "Hey, if you're feeling that stiff, come on up with me. I give great massage, you know that. Get all that nasty tension right out of you." he said with a grin. "Strong, gentle hands, a glass of wine, candlelight...?" he offered.
Skin to skin contact, with his power, relaxing shields and him finding out everything. Then the dampeners or drugs or Tante coming. All ending with you being stripped of your powers. Do you want them to make you weak, helpless, vulnerable? It's what _they_ want. Amanda
couldn't tell if the thought was her own or... someone else's, echoing her fears the way it did. She pulled her hands away from the steering wheel, out of reach, and moved to open the door. "It's all right. I'll just have a hot bath or somethin'."
Manuel didn't really want to get as offended as he did. But he felt the hot stab of betrayal and anger anyway. "Fine." he said, a little more coldly and stiffly than he really intended. "I'll catch you around, Amanda." he said, and got out of the car.
Conscience pricked. "Manuel, wait." Incredibly, he did, and she climbed out of the car to look at him over its roof. "It's not you, it's just... complicated, is all. I can't explain it, not yet." She offered him a small tentative smile. "I... thanks, for tonight. What you said... it means somethin' to me. I just need a bit more time, is all."
Manuel nodded jerkily. "Sure." he said, his tone warming a little. She was playing him - every instinct he had screamed that she was playing him. But he ignored them, because he wanted to believe that Amanda wouldn't do that. That she was honestly conflicted, with her addiction and recovery and all of it. That she needed time. "I'll be around if you want to talk." Unfortunately, not only did she not have any interest in talking right now, but he had an Urgent Biological Necessity that she didn't seem like she was going to let him relieve.
That last part came through the link, loud and clear. Possibly because it was 'assisted'. Amanda sighed, suddenly feeling defeated. He was trying, she knew that, and she was stringing him along horribly. "Look, Manny..." she began, not really looking at him. "I don't know how long this'll take. Before I can..." She made a vague gesture. "Feel like that. Maybe you should..." Letting the sentence hang for a moment, she took a deep breath. "Maybe we should change that agreement. The one about not bein' with other people."
Manuel blinked at that. Part of him wanted to take her words and run with them. But another part was infinitely saddened. "We'll talk about it later, OK?" he said tiredly, and then turned to go.
They ought to finish this here and now, but she couldn't push. Not when he'd been bending over backwards to give her the space and time she needed. "Sure, we'll talk," she replied, watching him go. "Sleep well, love," she added, so softly he couldn't hear her in the large, echoing space. Then she locked up the car and went to sign the keys back in.
