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xp_logsAs arranged in these emails, Amanda comes by Manuel's room. There's talk, and tea, and more attempts to reach out that don't always miss the mark.
Manuel pushed away from his Mac and looked at the state of A) his room and B) himself. He would do - Amanda was never fussy that way - but the room was a disaster, and still had a lingering emotional taste of his almost-tryst with Danielle. Thank Someone that had stopped before it had gone _too_ far, or this would be an even _more_ awkward evening than it was likely going to be. Time to straighten up. He spontaneously manifested Angelo's mutation, it almost seemed, as he stretched and reached to gather up most of his crap, to bag it up and stuff it in an out-of-the-way corner somewhere so it'd be out of the way.
What the fuck am I doing? Amanda pushed herself back away from the computer, where Manuel's last email was still displayed. Weak, she was so bloody weak, but she couldn't do this any more. One night, that was all she wanted, one night sleeping with another body next to hers, and not just any body. Manuel, who seemed to be doing so much better, who understood more than he used to. Perhaps it could work, perhaps they could be what a couple should be, perhaps...
Perhaps she was setting herself to be hurt again.
The words were said, the promise made, though. Changing into a pair of rarely-used pyjama pants and one of his old long sleeved cotton shirts, she slipped out of her room and made her way down the hall to his suite. She hesitated again as she reached the door, however, hand raised to knock but not quite able to bring herself to do it.
Manuel was in the process of emptying out his minifridge of the bottle of cider when he felt a very distinctive and unique emotional signature at his door. "Just a minute!" he said while she dithered, and put the bottle in his closet, grabbed his new T-shirt, shrugged into it, raked his fingers through his hair - fuck, he'd forgotten to shave today! - and then opened the door. "Hola." he said, and tried not to stare. She looked _terrible_ - bony, thin, and wasted. But she did have one thing going for her - her complexion had definitely improved. Noticeably. She was headed for the alabaster perfection end of things, which suited Manuel Just Fine. "Come in." he said warmly, stepping aside to let her pass.
She smiled faintly at the sight of the shirt. "Since when were you a Sex Pistols fan?" she teased, her throat tightening just a little. Why do you need me so bloody much? Moving past him, she couldn't help notice the signs of a hurried and haphazard clean up. "Sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?"
Manuel laughed. "Hey, I bought it while thinking of you. God Save The Queen." he admitted freely, and then closed the door behind him. "I've been horribly lax lately - I've been meaning to straighten up for a while now. You just gave me the perfect reason to do so." he said, taking a seat at his desk and leaving the bed or the other chair for her to use if she wanted. "You look good. This taking care of yourself thing is paying off."
"Liar," she told him mildly, taking a seat on the bed and folding her legs up Indian-style. The sleeves of the shirt were long enough for her to pull the cuffs over her knuckles. "You think I'm too skinny again. But I appreciate the thought." She shrugged. "The magic... I forget how much it takes out of me sometimes. I've gotten soft with all the not using it."
Manuel smiled at her, then spent a couple of quality moments just looking at her. She in truth did look terrible, but she was here. Now. Reaching out. The ball, as they say, was in his court. And that's where it was going to stay, despite his body's insistence that he had a set that would like to see some action today, thankyouverymuch! ~Not going to happen. Knock it off!~ he told himself sternly, with the predictable lack of real effect. "Thanks for coming up." he told her, deciding to lead with honesty. "I've missed you."
"I know," she replied, looking away, unable to handle the honest need in his expression. Or the link. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I just..." Stop being so pathetic, she told herself. "I'm tired," she said instead. "I've been working hard on things, an' pulling the medlab hours an' I just... it doesn't seem worth the effort, sometimes."
She was hiding from him. It infuriated him - he was trying to do the Right Thing, to be the rock she could draw strength from, and she was hiding from him. He had to fight back the sigh. "I know you've got a lot on your plate. You're aiming high and dreaming big." he said with a soft for-Amanda-only smile. "If you ask me - which you haven't - I think you've got too many balls up in the air. But you feel differently, and this is important to you."
"Well, I'd drop a few, only then people get t' say I told you so," she retorted, not as sharply as she could have. "I want... no, I need to be in control, Manny. I need to prove I can do this normal life thing, same as the rest of 'em. That I'm not the fuckin' victim everyone sees me as these days." Frustration bled out into her voice, her shoulders hunching slightly.
Manuel blinked as he got slapped by the ferocity of her feeling, the depths of her need. There was almost something else there, a spider at the center of the web, but he dared not probe too deeply, and he was probably mistaken anyway. It could have been any one of a hundred different things. Empathy was not an exact science. "You're overcompensating." he said bluntly. "You're determined to be a decent student plus be a medlab helper plus deal with your own personal demons - not just to deal with them, but to slay them entirely. Then you can get back to your relationship and your life and be just like everyone else." he said, with more bitterness than he honestly intended. "And in the meantime I'm out here watching you grind yourself into dust trying. And I hate it, but this is what you want, so I sit back and I watch and I try to be there when and if you need me."
She couldn't miss the bitterness, even with her hold on the link slipping slightly. "You think I'm doing this to you on purpose?" she retorted. "You were talking about me having too much to deal with, and you don't think you're the biggest part of that? You said it yourself, you use people to hide behind, you need t' be involved. An' I can't... I don't have it in me any more to be that for you. You've bled me fuckin' dry, Manny, an' when I needed you to understand, to listen to me, you took it personally and decided you were going to make me trying to make it through the addiction without usin' anything or anyone more about me not wanting you." Rubbing her sleeve across her eyes in a sharp, angry gesture, she met his eyes. "I just need a break, from you an' me an' all our fuckin' dramas. That's all."
"All right, I deserved that." he said. "And I didn't want this to turn into a fight. But I am concerned, and I do think you're trying to do too much, and it's very obviously taking its toll." He had more he wanted to say - MUCH more - but this was not the place and this was not the time. "I've upset you. I've upset both of us, actually. I'm sorry." he said. And he was, that was the kicker of it all - he didn't want to upset her, but he felt strongly about this, and he _ached_ to share it with her, to make her understand. "I was just trying to give you what I thought you wanted. Looks like I was wrong about what you wanted." he said sadly. "But, if you don't mind, I'd like to declare the topic off-limits for the rest of the night. You're supposed to find this restful, not another trial to be endured."
"Fine by me." Amanda was more than willing to drop the entire conversation - she was too tired for this, and part of her was sitting up and prodding her and telling her smugly just what a bad idea coming here had been. That Manuel might be able to talk the talk, but when it came down to it, he was still the same person. "You don't have any of those tea bags I left here, do you? I could do with a cuppa."
Manuel nodded. "Sure thing. I'll put a kettle on." he said, heading into the part of his closet that was _still_ reserved for Her Stuff and rummaged through it looking for the tea. Finding it, he looked inside the box. "Two bags left. Will that be enough?" he asked her without looking directly at her. Instead, he was looking at her emotions. Then he stopped - it wasn't right, and he was tired of seeing the mistrust, the suspicion, and the fatigue. He wanted to wipe them all away, to put things back to the way they were, but it was looking more and more every day like that was going to be impossible. He did make one more stop, though - he had Frank visiting, since Amanda so seldomly looked in on him. A reach into the cage and he was up on his shoulder.
"That'll be fine." Something about the ordinariness, of seeing Manuel with Frank sitting on his shoulder like a kind of accessory made her incredibly sad, and she looked around the room for distraction. The vase with the white rose in it was a new addition. "Got a secret admirer sending you flowers?" she asked, wanting to change the topic from anything remotely resembling difficult areas.
Manuel and Frank got the kettle going, with a beady-eyed look towards Amanda from the lizard. "No." he said flatly. "That's for remembrance." After he got the kettle going, he sat back into his chair and looked at the white rose. "Someone important to me passed away recently. This is my way of remembering her, of keeping a symbol of what she meant to me."
Amanda could have kicked herself. Of course, the loss she'd felt coming down the link the previous week. "I'm sorry," she said softly, shuffling backwards on the bed so she was resting her back against the wall. "I didn't mean t' be rude." Looking down into her lap, she twisted the hem of the shirt around her fingers for a while, trying to think of something to say, remembering Charlie and how it had felt. "Tell me about her?"
Manuel waved off her apology. "She was one of the Askani. One of their empaths. Her name was Lusanya." he said softly, running a finger down the outside of the vase and fighting hard not to burst into tears as the wound opened itself anew. The downside to a perfect emotional memory. "She was my mentor, my instructor, and my friend."
"Oh." She hadn't known. Mind you, she hadn't spoken to Nathan in what felt like weeks. But she remembered the woman who had been so helpful with Meggan, and who she knew had done so much for Manuel. "~Good journey, sister,~" she murmured in Askani, the syllables a little rusty from lack of use. "I know she meant a lot to you. It explains what I felt, down the link. Before, when I emailed you."
Manuel nodded, not trusting his voice. "~Good journey, from those who still walk the path.~" he said in perfectly passable Askani. It was a line from her death-litany, and from the funeral service. The only Askani he'd ever permitted her to teach him, and then only when she was dying. "She taught me much of feelings." he said, leaving the specifics vague. "She was my Charlie, my Nathan, my ... the one I do not mention, and my Rom all rolled into one."
"I wish you'd told me earlier." Amanda's voice was soft, regretful. For everything. "I could've done something, said... Been there for you more." Maybe. If it hadn't meant risking losing everything she'd gained. Still, he'd told her now. Patting the spot beside her, she asked, almost hesitantly: "Come an' sit next to me?"
"You asked me for distance." he said sadly, but he did move over next to her. Frank, however, stayed firmly on his shoulder instead of moving over to hers. "My relationship with her was a difficult one." he confessed. "To speak to her, I had to ask Nathan. And given how often he winds up in Medlab, it made things different. But when she did come to see me, she always had a kind word and a piece of advice about whatever was troubling me." he said, eyes filling with liquid. But he refused to scrub the tears away, letting them fall naturally. "She knew everthing, and not once did she condemn. Plenty of concern, but she never condemned me. Never hated me, never feared me, never got angry with me."
"I'm sorry she's gone." He was being careful not to touch her, letting her control things, and it didn't escape her notice that Frank stayed put. But rather than make her feel bad, it was heartening - Manuel needed something he could lavish attention on, and Frank had always been more his pet than hers. She wanted to put her arms around him and comfort him, but that was a slippery slope, and more than she could give, just yet. Instead, she pulled a relatively unused tissue from the front pocket of her shirt and offered it to him. "Here."
Manuel took the tissue and dabbed at his eyes. "I miss her fiercely. There's a rosebush in the garden, set away from the others. It's where I got that." he said, motioning towards his white rose. "You should go and say hello." he said with a smile. He didn't mention what Lusanya had to say about Amanda and the path she was on, it wasn't his place to break a confidence like that. "She'd like that."
"I will, if you show me." She wasn't good at grief, or memorials, but she was glad there was something there. Somewhere there was a gravestone with Charlie's name on it, but she hadn't been able to ask where. Maybe she ought to. "When I lived in Brighton," she found herself saying. "We had this... thing we did, when someone died. Sort of like one of those Norse funerals, with the burning boat? Only we burned their stuff. Once we'd divided the useful stuff. I... did something like that for Charlie, down on the lake."
Manuel nodded. "I felt it." he admitted. "I didn't intrude, as your grief is your business, but I did feel it. With Lusanya, there was nothing to burn. She had nothing but her mind, her experiences. And now they are gone, save for what she passed to me. It's almost like she lives on, in a way, inside my head." he said with a sad smile. "Kettle's done." he said, as it started to whistle. "Let me go drop the bags in, give it another few to steep, and then tea'll be on."
"Thanks, love." The smile she gave him was a lot more genuine than any she'd worn in the past couple of weeks. "Want me t' hang onto Frank for you while you're doing that? If he'll let me, of course." Frank fixed her with another lizardy stare. "Yes, I'm talking about you, lizard-breath."
Manuel extended his arm so that Frank could climb down and over to Amanda, but the lizard stayed up. "Frank, go say hello to Amanda." he told the lizard, and finally had to use a crack of power to get the lizard to budge. "Weird. He's usually far more social than that." he said, then went over to the kettle to busy himself with the minutiae of preparing tea for consumption. "Mind if I have a cup?" he asked her.
"Help yourself," she replied absently, more occupied with trying to keep Frank from wriggling away from her. "Look, you, it's just a minute. Manny'll be back an' you can snuggle up t' him all you want."
Out of all the things he could be snuggling, the reptile was definitely on the lower end of the spectrum. "He's definitely acting oddly. Medlab's busy, and non-mutant reptiles aren't really their thing, so I should probably take him into the vet or something." he said with a shrug. Squirrely lizard. "Watch the claws." he said idly just as Amanda got scratched. "He's definitely got a bug up his ass about something. But, on the good side - how strong do you want your tea?"
Amanda swore under her breath at the scratch, and gave up trying to restrain the lizard. Frank promptly crawled to the other end of the bed from where she was and perched himself on Manuel's pillow, staring blandly at her. "Not strong enough t' strip paint, but not far off," she replied, pulling up her sleeve to inspect the scratches. Two were deep enough to bleed. "Fuck," she muttered, and shot Frank a Look. "Good thing I can fix this, lizardbreath," she told him darkly, before setting about doing just that. The healing spell was sluggish, the light more dull than usual, but it got the job done.
"OK. You going to be all right? First Aid kit's in the bathroom." he said, still without turning around. He completely missed that she'd Healed herself. "Be another few minutes to get it up to stopping-bullets..." he said, and then looked at Amanda's unmarked flesh. "Oh. Was I wrong, and he missed you?"
"No, he got me. The rules don't say I can't fix meself, an' if they did, I'd tell 'em to go fuck 'emselves." Amanda's voice was perhaps a little defensive, but damnit, it was her magic.
Manuel had still never managed to get a clear explanation of what the Rules exactly were. But then again, she'd choked when he tried to explain the laws of human emotion, so maybe this was just a Mage Thing. "Bad lizard. Back into the cage with you. And no girl-lizard-dreams for you!" he said, moving to pick the lizard off his pillow - and Frank had left him a present, how lovely! - to put him back in his cage.
"Here, let me finish the tea," she offered, but didn't get up. Instead she concentrated on the pot and the mugs, reaching out with the magic to pour, add milk and sugar as preferred, and then float both mugs over, letting his hover in mid-air until he finished dealing with Frank and his 'gift'. "I think Frank's gotten used t' having you to himself," she reflected, watching Manuel stripping off the pillowcase.
Manuel was unused to Amanda casually using her magic, but he tried to keep it off his face and off their link as he accepted the teacup. "Thank you." he said, and then sipped from it. It tasted a thousand times better than it usually did - he preferred the Indian teas, and this was definitely English - but tonight, now, it was delicious. A new pillowcase, and then he retook his spot next to Amanda. And then yawned, curse him. "Sorry! It's been a long day."
"'S all right. Kind of wiped meself, which was sort of the reason I'm here in the first place." Not from the magic, though - she was hardly feeling the power use, and the amulet was glowing only dimly. Wrapping her hands around her mig, she sipped and sighed contentedly. "Rom says a good cuppa will cure most things, an' what it doesn't cure, it'll put into perspective," she reflected. "Maybe that's why the Prof tends t' give it t' people all the time."
"And he favors absolutely dreadful teas." he said with a laugh. "But yeah, bed. I'm tired, so if you don't mind, after this cup I think it's time to turn in." he said, taking another sip from his cup. Yep. Still delicious. "I've drunk enough of that man's tea to support the English tea industry for the next twenty years. Every day for most of the time I've been here, with some days off here and there, and nearly every one with a cup of tea."
"Never been an Earl Grey fan meself. Too upperclass for the likes of me." She snorted a little. "An' yeah, sleep'd be good after this," she continued, stressing the word 'sleep' just a little. She didn't want to fight, but she didn't want him expecting more than she could give, either. And sex was definitely up there as Too Much. Besides the fact she just really didn't feel like it, not with the tiredness and the magic and the presence in her mind that must be kept hidden.
Manuel didn't need or want the reminder - he's already told her he was fine with just sleep, but he bit his tongue before his pride, hot and angry thing that it usually was, could make an Issue of it. "That's fine." he said mildly. To demonstrate that he was serious, he shucked the shirt and his jeans - turning his back on her first, lest she think he was trying to entice her - and put on a pair of sweats. Even though his usual custom was to sleep entirely nude. "It's like some stereotype. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." he said sarcastically, then took another drink of his own tea.
Well, he had come a long way. Amanda raised her eyebrow at the way he managed to hold onto his reaction, and busied herself with her own mug. "Too bad he makes it like an American, weak as all hell." As Manuel settled back down next to her, she nudged him slightly with her shoulder. "Thanks," she said. "For emailing me the way you did. You didn't have to."
"Yes, I did." he said simply as he drained the rest of his tea and put the cup aside. Unfortunately, while his mind was fine with things, his body was not. So he had a slight tentpole problem. Actually, now that he thought about it, he had a battleaxe problem. A ramrod of epic proportions problem. But he made no mention of it, and prayed she wouldn't either. "Ready for bed?" he asked her pleasantly. "First run of the bathroom is yours if you want it."
"You go while I finish this," she said, indicating her mug. Good tea wasn't to be hurried. And she hadn't missed his 'little' problem either - letting him have first run of the bathroom would give him the chance to take care of things. But she was being polite and not mentioning it, especially given he was trying so hard to do what she wanted.
Unfortunately for Manuel, he was not a large fan of taking matters into his own hands. He got cleaned up in preparation for bed, and indulged in a quick mind-over-matter session to try to get his body to Get With The Program. When he re-emerged, his 'little' problem persisted. But again, he made no mention of it, and treated it like it wasn't happening. "Bathroom's free." he said unnecessarily.
While he'd been gone Amanda had finished her tea and put both mugs back, and she glanced over her shoulder at his voice. Oh, for fuck's sake... She'd never understood his issues with self-relief, and it was kind of aggravating. Like he was trying to make her feel bad for not wanting to have sex. "Look, if this is gunna be too hard..." she began, too tired to argue but too tired to sleep with something drilling into her back all night, too.
"There's no problem." he said firmly as he slid into bed. ~And there's not _going_ to be a problem. So listen to me this once, all right? I'll indulge you tomorrow - we'll have a Best of Empath Revue. But for now, I need you to behave!~ he told him. And then as Amanda puttered around, he closed his eyes and concentrated. Fiercely. And as he focused, eventually his body relaxed. It was a slog for the self-control, but in this round of Big Manuel Vs Little Manuel, Big Manuel won.
Coming out of the bathroom - he still had her toothbrush and other stuff in there, she noticed with a pang - she paused only slightly before sliding in next to him. Lying there almost stiffly, feeling him next to her, she closed her eyes and forced herself to relax. She'd wanted this, hadn't she? And he was trying. "Night," she said quietly, before turning over and curling up on her side as she was wont to do. The movement put her back to him, but that was usually his cue to curl himself around her.
Manuel hesitated, but she seemed to be inviting it, so he slowly curled himself around her. "Sleep well." he said, and then reached up to turn off the lights. One of these days, he was going to sit Forge down and get him to develop an emotionally-aware light switch.
Reaching for his hand, she pulled his arm closer around her waist and let herself relax more. As always, he was nice and warm whilst she was slightly cold. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was all she could give him now, and that would have to do.
Manuel pushed away from his Mac and looked at the state of A) his room and B) himself. He would do - Amanda was never fussy that way - but the room was a disaster, and still had a lingering emotional taste of his almost-tryst with Danielle. Thank Someone that had stopped before it had gone _too_ far, or this would be an even _more_ awkward evening than it was likely going to be. Time to straighten up. He spontaneously manifested Angelo's mutation, it almost seemed, as he stretched and reached to gather up most of his crap, to bag it up and stuff it in an out-of-the-way corner somewhere so it'd be out of the way.
What the fuck am I doing? Amanda pushed herself back away from the computer, where Manuel's last email was still displayed. Weak, she was so bloody weak, but she couldn't do this any more. One night, that was all she wanted, one night sleeping with another body next to hers, and not just any body. Manuel, who seemed to be doing so much better, who understood more than he used to. Perhaps it could work, perhaps they could be what a couple should be, perhaps...
Perhaps she was setting herself to be hurt again.
The words were said, the promise made, though. Changing into a pair of rarely-used pyjama pants and one of his old long sleeved cotton shirts, she slipped out of her room and made her way down the hall to his suite. She hesitated again as she reached the door, however, hand raised to knock but not quite able to bring herself to do it.
Manuel was in the process of emptying out his minifridge of the bottle of cider when he felt a very distinctive and unique emotional signature at his door. "Just a minute!" he said while she dithered, and put the bottle in his closet, grabbed his new T-shirt, shrugged into it, raked his fingers through his hair - fuck, he'd forgotten to shave today! - and then opened the door. "Hola." he said, and tried not to stare. She looked _terrible_ - bony, thin, and wasted. But she did have one thing going for her - her complexion had definitely improved. Noticeably. She was headed for the alabaster perfection end of things, which suited Manuel Just Fine. "Come in." he said warmly, stepping aside to let her pass.
She smiled faintly at the sight of the shirt. "Since when were you a Sex Pistols fan?" she teased, her throat tightening just a little. Why do you need me so bloody much? Moving past him, she couldn't help notice the signs of a hurried and haphazard clean up. "Sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?"
Manuel laughed. "Hey, I bought it while thinking of you. God Save The Queen." he admitted freely, and then closed the door behind him. "I've been horribly lax lately - I've been meaning to straighten up for a while now. You just gave me the perfect reason to do so." he said, taking a seat at his desk and leaving the bed or the other chair for her to use if she wanted. "You look good. This taking care of yourself thing is paying off."
"Liar," she told him mildly, taking a seat on the bed and folding her legs up Indian-style. The sleeves of the shirt were long enough for her to pull the cuffs over her knuckles. "You think I'm too skinny again. But I appreciate the thought." She shrugged. "The magic... I forget how much it takes out of me sometimes. I've gotten soft with all the not using it."
Manuel smiled at her, then spent a couple of quality moments just looking at her. She in truth did look terrible, but she was here. Now. Reaching out. The ball, as they say, was in his court. And that's where it was going to stay, despite his body's insistence that he had a set that would like to see some action today, thankyouverymuch! ~Not going to happen. Knock it off!~ he told himself sternly, with the predictable lack of real effect. "Thanks for coming up." he told her, deciding to lead with honesty. "I've missed you."
"I know," she replied, looking away, unable to handle the honest need in his expression. Or the link. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I just..." Stop being so pathetic, she told herself. "I'm tired," she said instead. "I've been working hard on things, an' pulling the medlab hours an' I just... it doesn't seem worth the effort, sometimes."
She was hiding from him. It infuriated him - he was trying to do the Right Thing, to be the rock she could draw strength from, and she was hiding from him. He had to fight back the sigh. "I know you've got a lot on your plate. You're aiming high and dreaming big." he said with a soft for-Amanda-only smile. "If you ask me - which you haven't - I think you've got too many balls up in the air. But you feel differently, and this is important to you."
"Well, I'd drop a few, only then people get t' say I told you so," she retorted, not as sharply as she could have. "I want... no, I need to be in control, Manny. I need to prove I can do this normal life thing, same as the rest of 'em. That I'm not the fuckin' victim everyone sees me as these days." Frustration bled out into her voice, her shoulders hunching slightly.
Manuel blinked as he got slapped by the ferocity of her feeling, the depths of her need. There was almost something else there, a spider at the center of the web, but he dared not probe too deeply, and he was probably mistaken anyway. It could have been any one of a hundred different things. Empathy was not an exact science. "You're overcompensating." he said bluntly. "You're determined to be a decent student plus be a medlab helper plus deal with your own personal demons - not just to deal with them, but to slay them entirely. Then you can get back to your relationship and your life and be just like everyone else." he said, with more bitterness than he honestly intended. "And in the meantime I'm out here watching you grind yourself into dust trying. And I hate it, but this is what you want, so I sit back and I watch and I try to be there when and if you need me."
She couldn't miss the bitterness, even with her hold on the link slipping slightly. "You think I'm doing this to you on purpose?" she retorted. "You were talking about me having too much to deal with, and you don't think you're the biggest part of that? You said it yourself, you use people to hide behind, you need t' be involved. An' I can't... I don't have it in me any more to be that for you. You've bled me fuckin' dry, Manny, an' when I needed you to understand, to listen to me, you took it personally and decided you were going to make me trying to make it through the addiction without usin' anything or anyone more about me not wanting you." Rubbing her sleeve across her eyes in a sharp, angry gesture, she met his eyes. "I just need a break, from you an' me an' all our fuckin' dramas. That's all."
"All right, I deserved that." he said. "And I didn't want this to turn into a fight. But I am concerned, and I do think you're trying to do too much, and it's very obviously taking its toll." He had more he wanted to say - MUCH more - but this was not the place and this was not the time. "I've upset you. I've upset both of us, actually. I'm sorry." he said. And he was, that was the kicker of it all - he didn't want to upset her, but he felt strongly about this, and he _ached_ to share it with her, to make her understand. "I was just trying to give you what I thought you wanted. Looks like I was wrong about what you wanted." he said sadly. "But, if you don't mind, I'd like to declare the topic off-limits for the rest of the night. You're supposed to find this restful, not another trial to be endured."
"Fine by me." Amanda was more than willing to drop the entire conversation - she was too tired for this, and part of her was sitting up and prodding her and telling her smugly just what a bad idea coming here had been. That Manuel might be able to talk the talk, but when it came down to it, he was still the same person. "You don't have any of those tea bags I left here, do you? I could do with a cuppa."
Manuel nodded. "Sure thing. I'll put a kettle on." he said, heading into the part of his closet that was _still_ reserved for Her Stuff and rummaged through it looking for the tea. Finding it, he looked inside the box. "Two bags left. Will that be enough?" he asked her without looking directly at her. Instead, he was looking at her emotions. Then he stopped - it wasn't right, and he was tired of seeing the mistrust, the suspicion, and the fatigue. He wanted to wipe them all away, to put things back to the way they were, but it was looking more and more every day like that was going to be impossible. He did make one more stop, though - he had Frank visiting, since Amanda so seldomly looked in on him. A reach into the cage and he was up on his shoulder.
"That'll be fine." Something about the ordinariness, of seeing Manuel with Frank sitting on his shoulder like a kind of accessory made her incredibly sad, and she looked around the room for distraction. The vase with the white rose in it was a new addition. "Got a secret admirer sending you flowers?" she asked, wanting to change the topic from anything remotely resembling difficult areas.
Manuel and Frank got the kettle going, with a beady-eyed look towards Amanda from the lizard. "No." he said flatly. "That's for remembrance." After he got the kettle going, he sat back into his chair and looked at the white rose. "Someone important to me passed away recently. This is my way of remembering her, of keeping a symbol of what she meant to me."
Amanda could have kicked herself. Of course, the loss she'd felt coming down the link the previous week. "I'm sorry," she said softly, shuffling backwards on the bed so she was resting her back against the wall. "I didn't mean t' be rude." Looking down into her lap, she twisted the hem of the shirt around her fingers for a while, trying to think of something to say, remembering Charlie and how it had felt. "Tell me about her?"
Manuel waved off her apology. "She was one of the Askani. One of their empaths. Her name was Lusanya." he said softly, running a finger down the outside of the vase and fighting hard not to burst into tears as the wound opened itself anew. The downside to a perfect emotional memory. "She was my mentor, my instructor, and my friend."
"Oh." She hadn't known. Mind you, she hadn't spoken to Nathan in what felt like weeks. But she remembered the woman who had been so helpful with Meggan, and who she knew had done so much for Manuel. "~Good journey, sister,~" she murmured in Askani, the syllables a little rusty from lack of use. "I know she meant a lot to you. It explains what I felt, down the link. Before, when I emailed you."
Manuel nodded, not trusting his voice. "~Good journey, from those who still walk the path.~" he said in perfectly passable Askani. It was a line from her death-litany, and from the funeral service. The only Askani he'd ever permitted her to teach him, and then only when she was dying. "She taught me much of feelings." he said, leaving the specifics vague. "She was my Charlie, my Nathan, my ... the one I do not mention, and my Rom all rolled into one."
"I wish you'd told me earlier." Amanda's voice was soft, regretful. For everything. "I could've done something, said... Been there for you more." Maybe. If it hadn't meant risking losing everything she'd gained. Still, he'd told her now. Patting the spot beside her, she asked, almost hesitantly: "Come an' sit next to me?"
"You asked me for distance." he said sadly, but he did move over next to her. Frank, however, stayed firmly on his shoulder instead of moving over to hers. "My relationship with her was a difficult one." he confessed. "To speak to her, I had to ask Nathan. And given how often he winds up in Medlab, it made things different. But when she did come to see me, she always had a kind word and a piece of advice about whatever was troubling me." he said, eyes filling with liquid. But he refused to scrub the tears away, letting them fall naturally. "She knew everthing, and not once did she condemn. Plenty of concern, but she never condemned me. Never hated me, never feared me, never got angry with me."
"I'm sorry she's gone." He was being careful not to touch her, letting her control things, and it didn't escape her notice that Frank stayed put. But rather than make her feel bad, it was heartening - Manuel needed something he could lavish attention on, and Frank had always been more his pet than hers. She wanted to put her arms around him and comfort him, but that was a slippery slope, and more than she could give, just yet. Instead, she pulled a relatively unused tissue from the front pocket of her shirt and offered it to him. "Here."
Manuel took the tissue and dabbed at his eyes. "I miss her fiercely. There's a rosebush in the garden, set away from the others. It's where I got that." he said, motioning towards his white rose. "You should go and say hello." he said with a smile. He didn't mention what Lusanya had to say about Amanda and the path she was on, it wasn't his place to break a confidence like that. "She'd like that."
"I will, if you show me." She wasn't good at grief, or memorials, but she was glad there was something there. Somewhere there was a gravestone with Charlie's name on it, but she hadn't been able to ask where. Maybe she ought to. "When I lived in Brighton," she found herself saying. "We had this... thing we did, when someone died. Sort of like one of those Norse funerals, with the burning boat? Only we burned their stuff. Once we'd divided the useful stuff. I... did something like that for Charlie, down on the lake."
Manuel nodded. "I felt it." he admitted. "I didn't intrude, as your grief is your business, but I did feel it. With Lusanya, there was nothing to burn. She had nothing but her mind, her experiences. And now they are gone, save for what she passed to me. It's almost like she lives on, in a way, inside my head." he said with a sad smile. "Kettle's done." he said, as it started to whistle. "Let me go drop the bags in, give it another few to steep, and then tea'll be on."
"Thanks, love." The smile she gave him was a lot more genuine than any she'd worn in the past couple of weeks. "Want me t' hang onto Frank for you while you're doing that? If he'll let me, of course." Frank fixed her with another lizardy stare. "Yes, I'm talking about you, lizard-breath."
Manuel extended his arm so that Frank could climb down and over to Amanda, but the lizard stayed up. "Frank, go say hello to Amanda." he told the lizard, and finally had to use a crack of power to get the lizard to budge. "Weird. He's usually far more social than that." he said, then went over to the kettle to busy himself with the minutiae of preparing tea for consumption. "Mind if I have a cup?" he asked her.
"Help yourself," she replied absently, more occupied with trying to keep Frank from wriggling away from her. "Look, you, it's just a minute. Manny'll be back an' you can snuggle up t' him all you want."
Out of all the things he could be snuggling, the reptile was definitely on the lower end of the spectrum. "He's definitely acting oddly. Medlab's busy, and non-mutant reptiles aren't really their thing, so I should probably take him into the vet or something." he said with a shrug. Squirrely lizard. "Watch the claws." he said idly just as Amanda got scratched. "He's definitely got a bug up his ass about something. But, on the good side - how strong do you want your tea?"
Amanda swore under her breath at the scratch, and gave up trying to restrain the lizard. Frank promptly crawled to the other end of the bed from where she was and perched himself on Manuel's pillow, staring blandly at her. "Not strong enough t' strip paint, but not far off," she replied, pulling up her sleeve to inspect the scratches. Two were deep enough to bleed. "Fuck," she muttered, and shot Frank a Look. "Good thing I can fix this, lizardbreath," she told him darkly, before setting about doing just that. The healing spell was sluggish, the light more dull than usual, but it got the job done.
"OK. You going to be all right? First Aid kit's in the bathroom." he said, still without turning around. He completely missed that she'd Healed herself. "Be another few minutes to get it up to stopping-bullets..." he said, and then looked at Amanda's unmarked flesh. "Oh. Was I wrong, and he missed you?"
"No, he got me. The rules don't say I can't fix meself, an' if they did, I'd tell 'em to go fuck 'emselves." Amanda's voice was perhaps a little defensive, but damnit, it was her magic.
Manuel had still never managed to get a clear explanation of what the Rules exactly were. But then again, she'd choked when he tried to explain the laws of human emotion, so maybe this was just a Mage Thing. "Bad lizard. Back into the cage with you. And no girl-lizard-dreams for you!" he said, moving to pick the lizard off his pillow - and Frank had left him a present, how lovely! - to put him back in his cage.
"Here, let me finish the tea," she offered, but didn't get up. Instead she concentrated on the pot and the mugs, reaching out with the magic to pour, add milk and sugar as preferred, and then float both mugs over, letting his hover in mid-air until he finished dealing with Frank and his 'gift'. "I think Frank's gotten used t' having you to himself," she reflected, watching Manuel stripping off the pillowcase.
Manuel was unused to Amanda casually using her magic, but he tried to keep it off his face and off their link as he accepted the teacup. "Thank you." he said, and then sipped from it. It tasted a thousand times better than it usually did - he preferred the Indian teas, and this was definitely English - but tonight, now, it was delicious. A new pillowcase, and then he retook his spot next to Amanda. And then yawned, curse him. "Sorry! It's been a long day."
"'S all right. Kind of wiped meself, which was sort of the reason I'm here in the first place." Not from the magic, though - she was hardly feeling the power use, and the amulet was glowing only dimly. Wrapping her hands around her mig, she sipped and sighed contentedly. "Rom says a good cuppa will cure most things, an' what it doesn't cure, it'll put into perspective," she reflected. "Maybe that's why the Prof tends t' give it t' people all the time."
"And he favors absolutely dreadful teas." he said with a laugh. "But yeah, bed. I'm tired, so if you don't mind, after this cup I think it's time to turn in." he said, taking another sip from his cup. Yep. Still delicious. "I've drunk enough of that man's tea to support the English tea industry for the next twenty years. Every day for most of the time I've been here, with some days off here and there, and nearly every one with a cup of tea."
"Never been an Earl Grey fan meself. Too upperclass for the likes of me." She snorted a little. "An' yeah, sleep'd be good after this," she continued, stressing the word 'sleep' just a little. She didn't want to fight, but she didn't want him expecting more than she could give, either. And sex was definitely up there as Too Much. Besides the fact she just really didn't feel like it, not with the tiredness and the magic and the presence in her mind that must be kept hidden.
Manuel didn't need or want the reminder - he's already told her he was fine with just sleep, but he bit his tongue before his pride, hot and angry thing that it usually was, could make an Issue of it. "That's fine." he said mildly. To demonstrate that he was serious, he shucked the shirt and his jeans - turning his back on her first, lest she think he was trying to entice her - and put on a pair of sweats. Even though his usual custom was to sleep entirely nude. "It's like some stereotype. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." he said sarcastically, then took another drink of his own tea.
Well, he had come a long way. Amanda raised her eyebrow at the way he managed to hold onto his reaction, and busied herself with her own mug. "Too bad he makes it like an American, weak as all hell." As Manuel settled back down next to her, she nudged him slightly with her shoulder. "Thanks," she said. "For emailing me the way you did. You didn't have to."
"Yes, I did." he said simply as he drained the rest of his tea and put the cup aside. Unfortunately, while his mind was fine with things, his body was not. So he had a slight tentpole problem. Actually, now that he thought about it, he had a battleaxe problem. A ramrod of epic proportions problem. But he made no mention of it, and prayed she wouldn't either. "Ready for bed?" he asked her pleasantly. "First run of the bathroom is yours if you want it."
"You go while I finish this," she said, indicating her mug. Good tea wasn't to be hurried. And she hadn't missed his 'little' problem either - letting him have first run of the bathroom would give him the chance to take care of things. But she was being polite and not mentioning it, especially given he was trying so hard to do what she wanted.
Unfortunately for Manuel, he was not a large fan of taking matters into his own hands. He got cleaned up in preparation for bed, and indulged in a quick mind-over-matter session to try to get his body to Get With The Program. When he re-emerged, his 'little' problem persisted. But again, he made no mention of it, and treated it like it wasn't happening. "Bathroom's free." he said unnecessarily.
While he'd been gone Amanda had finished her tea and put both mugs back, and she glanced over her shoulder at his voice. Oh, for fuck's sake... She'd never understood his issues with self-relief, and it was kind of aggravating. Like he was trying to make her feel bad for not wanting to have sex. "Look, if this is gunna be too hard..." she began, too tired to argue but too tired to sleep with something drilling into her back all night, too.
"There's no problem." he said firmly as he slid into bed. ~And there's not _going_ to be a problem. So listen to me this once, all right? I'll indulge you tomorrow - we'll have a Best of Empath Revue. But for now, I need you to behave!~ he told him. And then as Amanda puttered around, he closed his eyes and concentrated. Fiercely. And as he focused, eventually his body relaxed. It was a slog for the self-control, but in this round of Big Manuel Vs Little Manuel, Big Manuel won.
Coming out of the bathroom - he still had her toothbrush and other stuff in there, she noticed with a pang - she paused only slightly before sliding in next to him. Lying there almost stiffly, feeling him next to her, she closed her eyes and forced herself to relax. She'd wanted this, hadn't she? And he was trying. "Night," she said quietly, before turning over and curling up on her side as she was wont to do. The movement put her back to him, but that was usually his cue to curl himself around her.
Manuel hesitated, but she seemed to be inviting it, so he slowly curled himself around her. "Sleep well." he said, and then reached up to turn off the lights. One of these days, he was going to sit Forge down and get him to develop an emotionally-aware light switch.
Reaching for his hand, she pulled his arm closer around her waist and let herself relax more. As always, he was nice and warm whilst she was slightly cold. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was all she could give him now, and that would have to do.
