And here begins the angst...

[x-pyromaniac.livejournal.com]

So. Wednesday night. Now that x_rogue's done her Hoover act on x_pyromaniac, and everyone else is singing campfire songs, the two have a little chat about the things they have in common.



John: [he sits on the edge of the encampment, far away from the quiet babble of those who are still up. His muscles ache from the shifting and unloading he's done as part of the repair work, and he flicks his lighter open and closed, losing himself in the act.]

Rogue: [she walks up behind him, her hands in her pockets, stands a few feet off, looking at the sky]

John: [he can hear the wet grass being treaded under her feet and turns to look at her over his shoulder, face in shadow.] Come to fucking gloat, have we?

Rogue: Gloat? [her voice is very quiet] Why?

John: [his voice is tight in comparison] Because you did that fucking Hoover thing for a while. Guess you know all my secrets.

Rogue: [she laughs harshly] You think I like having you in my head, John? Don't flatter yourself. You'll be under my skin for the rest of my life; just like Erik, just like Logan, just like everyone else I've done it to. Yeah, I get to know your secrets and I get to feel you in the moments when I forget to feel myself. Go me. At least I know why you hate me now.

John: [quietly, and somewhat tired, the anger ebbing out] Then if you really fucking have me in your head, you'll know I don't hate you. Just what you represent. [he snorts] Logan knows as well. I must give out a scent or something. Bobby comes along and I suddenly stink like a schoolgirl with a crush.

Rogue: [she sits down next to him] How come... yeah, I guess you got your reasons for not telling him. But... I know him. He's not going to be mean about it, you know. He wants to like you like before but damn, you make it hard to like you, John.

John: I know he won't be mean about it. That's why I'm not fucking telling him. He'll give me a nice little talk about how he's all into women, and we'll just be friends and shit. [he flicks the lighter open and lights it, illuminating his face.] He'll probably flinch every time I fucking go near him.

Rogue: [softly] He doesn't flinch when I go near him. And you know what I can do. [she reaches out tentatively to touch his shoulder] Besides, I'll kick his ass if he does.

John: [He pulls away from the contact] That's because he wants you to touch him, if you could. I mean, Christ, you met his family. They are the freaking poster for 'white heterosexuality R us.'

Rogue: And look what they did to him! [voice cracking] Look what they fucking did. Ever tried not being a mutant? [she starts to cry] You think for a second he's like THEM? If you do, then you can't possibly love him.

John: Jesus...[turns and starts rubbing along her shoulders, trying to offer her some comfort without actually touching skin] I don't expect him to be like that. But it'll kind of be the same, you know? He'll ask me if I could try not being in love with him, because Bobby? Not so big on the complex situations.

Rogue: Yeah, well, I don't think he would. [she wipes her face on her sleeve] Damn you, John. How come you always make me cry?

John: [somewhat bleakly] Guess I'm just talented like that, Miss Scarlett. Didn't someone say you only hurt the ones you love?

Rogue: I guess so. [she sighs deeply] What I did to you, John... I... [she looks at her hands]

John: [shrugs] No biggie. You wanted to save the deadheads, be a hero. Everyone gets to be a fucking hero.

Rogue: You have to see the worst in everything, don't you? [sadly] I just... I thought maybe you'd regret it later. I guess not. It was for you, for us all, not just them.

John: [a cocky grin] And hey, you've lived my life. You know why I see the worst in everything. I s'pose I could regret it, but I've pretty much reached rock bottom.

Rogue: Wish it worked both ways. [she's not amused] I do.

John: [softly] That could be kind of cool. Do you ever lose yourself in the memories?

Rogue: [sideways glance] Try not to, really. The strongest ones... they're not the kind of places you want to go walking. Sometimes, when I'm almost waking up, it happens and it's not dreaming, it's different.

John: [slowly] See, if I had your memories, all I'd do is replay the way he looks at you sometimes. Try to pretend it's me he's looking at. [snaps his lighter shut.] Christ, I'm such a fucking joke. [stands up]

Rogue: [she looks up at him] I don't think you are. It's not like I don't know what it's like to want something I'm never going to have, want it so bad I want to be someone else. I don't think you're a joke at all.

John: We both love him. Yeah. Difference is he loves you back. [starts walking away, back towards the campsite]

Rogue: I didn't mean him.

John: [stops, turns] What the fuck?

Rogue: [she stands up] Oh, you mean it's not so obvious that everyone's laughing at how pathetic I am? That's kinda nice.

John: [almost a grin] Christ. Logan? You want to jump his bones?

Rogue: You have such a sweet way of putting things, John. [she sighs] No, I guess my mind didn't go that far, since the rest of me can't... [biting her lip] But, yeah, if you mean in your crude and disgusting way that I love him, yeah. So there. A secret for you. Do what you want with it.

John: [snorts] Hey, if he can smell me, he can smell you. Think about that. [strides off.]