Kitty and Jamie, Thursday evening
Oct. 20th, 2005 07:21 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsJamie comes by to spend some quality time with the girl, and to find out what's up. The answer is not entirely surprising, at least to him.
Kitty looked perfectly calm and composed, sitting curled up on the couch in her favorite parlour, notes and figures spread out on the table as she did her homework. The door to the parlour was even open in tacit invitation to anyone who might have come by. There was nothing about her outward appearance that would give away the mess of confusion she was feeling. Manuel would know, of course, but that was probably why she was avoiding him. He'd already called her on her denial once.
It wasn't strictly true that Jamie was searching for Kitty, but then, he wasn't about to pass up a chance to spend time with her, even if said time mostly pretty much consisted of watching her do math. So when he saw her through the open door, it didn't take very long for him to flop down on the couch next to her.
He gave the math a thoroughly serious look, then turned to Kitty with a deadpan expression. "Seven. Definitely. The answer is seven."
Kitty snorted, pencil moving rapidly across the page. "If that were true there would be some very astonished mathematicians out there, looking at their calculators and computers and asking why two and two suddenly equalled six." She flashed a grin at him. "How goes?"
"Ah, we'll just send Lorna to explain it to them, once she's up to it. No problem. Besides, mathematicians need these little surprises once in a while, keeps 'em from getting bored." Jamie returned the grin. "I'm okay. Bunch of papers to write, but nothing incredibly mind-destroying." He tilted his head. "How about you? Seemed like Kyle's hotness dissertation last night got to you a little more than that kind of thing usually does."
Kitty turned her attention back to the paper in front of her, although she didn't actually go back to work. "I just... wasn't in the mood for it," she said finally, shrugging slightly. "Couldn't take the... well you know, they say one thing, and I look in the mirror or whatever and I don't see it."
"I keep hoping one of these days you will. Or I'll get to be a telepath for five seconds, or something." Jamie smiled wistfully. "Always been obvious to me." He shrugged. "You just seemed kinda . . . less in the mood for it than usual, though. Just exam stress, or is there something going on?"
"Exam stress isn't enough? College, plus a job, apparently much harder than expected." It wasn't an answer, and Kitty knew it. And she knew Jamie would probably know it too. And maybe he would know that she knew he knew. She just wasn't sure she could say 'I don't understand why people like me when I'm such scum' out loud. Particularly not since there would be denials of her scumhood, and questions about why she thought she was scum, and that was... That was unplesant.
"Well, is exam stress enough? I mean, I know from convenient catch-all excuses, and that's pretty near the top of the list." Jamie frowned slightly, concerned. "Better out than in?" he ventured. "Especially if I promise not to try to directly boost your self-esteem by using any form of pedestal, pillar, or step stool?"
"I'm just... just... I'm a horrible person." It came out little more than a whisper. "Forge is back and he made that big post and confession thing and everyone's upset or concerned or whatever about what he did at his old school, and the only thing I could think was 'without his mutant power, is he still smarter than I am?' He was kidnapped, and who knows what happened to him, and here I am, and I'm just the scum of the universe and everybody looks at me and they think I'm nice and sweet and pretty or whatever and I'm just, I'm not. I'm not." Once the words started escaping she couldn't keep them in anymore, they just poured over each other, and Kitty couldn't look at him. She didn't know if she'd see condemnation or sympathy in Jamie's eyes, but right now she wasn't sure she could take either.
"Well, I guess I'm a horrible person too," Jamie said matter-of-factly. "Because my reaction was sort of a cross between, oh crap, is it time to nominate for the More Than I Wanted To Know Award again already, and, goddammit do we have to have another fight on the journals this week, I'm tired and I want to stop being cranky at everyone I live with." He slipped an arm around Kitty's shoulders, offering his own. "You've only been worrying about being overshadowed by people for as long as I've known you. It's not your best feature, but everybody's horrible people sometimes and the world doesn't end, huh? And it'd be an understatement to call this a really crappy couple of months, so of course you're not at your best."
Still not looking up, she curled into him, hiding her face against his shoulder. "I just... he's lost everything that mattered to him, and I disagreed that it was all that mattered, but the way he wrote that post it's clear he still thinks it's his mutation that made him special and the only thing I could think was that now that he didn't have it..." She sniffed. "At least you weren't feeling good about it." Although she'd only managed to feel good for the nanosecond before the guilt hit, and she felt, if anything, more guilty about having felt good than for having the thought in the first place.
"What, like thinking 'oh my God shut up already' at the guy when he's spilling his deepest darkest secrets in a moment of soul-baring confession is any better? And you're feeling guilty now. I'm not, particularly. So by that measure, you're the better person." Jamie sighed and nestled her closer, stroking her hair gently. "You have exam stress on top of catching-up-on-classes stress on top of revolutionizing-the-science-of-cybernetics stress on top of it's-just-plain-been-a-suckass-couple-of-months stress. Something's gotta give sometime, hon. That's not an excuse, it's just reality."
"I'm Jewish, we do guilt almost as well as Catholics, only with better food." Finally she looked up, remarkably dry eyed, but clearly pretty miserable. "Reality sucks."
"Yeah it does. It definitely does." Jamie smiled. "But on the upside, we haven't started threatening people for doing things we only think they might maybe wanna do yet, which puts us ahead of some." He paused. "Hey, now there's a thought. Think it'd help to have something to look forward to? Because I just had an idea."
The laugh that summoned up didn't have that much humor in it, but she managed a smile. "Yes, something to look forward to could be good. What did you have in mind?"
"Well, we've got Christmas break coming up. What say we take off down to the farm? There's nobody else coming over this year, so it'd just be you, me, my parents, the dog, and the livestock. No cooking, no homework, no life-or-death emergencies . . . I'd have chores, but I can send a dupe to do those, and in theory we could spend the whole break hiding out in my room and eating my mom's cookies. Maybe if we're lucky we'll even get snowed in, what do you think?"
"Christmas at the farm sounds wonderful," Kitty said, smiling more sincerely this time. "My parents may make unhappy noises but... Hey, actually, but what if we do New Years in Chicago? There's not quite as big a fuss as here in New York, but it's still a pretty impressive party, from what I remember."
"I'd be up for that, as long as you promise to protect me from your mom." Jamie grinned lazily. "Or I could go in disguise? Wear a ski mask and gloves all the time and pass myself off as your new boyfriend Jasper the Lovable Burn Victim?"
Kitty snorted. "If we're going to do that we might as well pretend you're Jewish. Issac, the Lovable Orthodox Burn Victim. Or, you know, we could just stay at my dad's. He hasn't got a guest room persay, but he could probably get a cot to stick in the study for you. I usually just sleep on his couch."
"Oh, sure," Jamie retorted. "Because fathers are way more reasonable about their only daughter's boyfriend than mothers are, on average. I'll just stash a dupe back at the farm in case of unfortunate accidents with the paper hats . . ." He grinned. "Kidding. I'm sure it'll be fine."
Kitty actually laughed slightly, although it was a quiet laugh. Sliding an arm around Jamie, she gave him a little hug. "Thank you," she said. "I don't deserve you."
"Do so. Don't make me get out that step stool after all."
Kitty looked perfectly calm and composed, sitting curled up on the couch in her favorite parlour, notes and figures spread out on the table as she did her homework. The door to the parlour was even open in tacit invitation to anyone who might have come by. There was nothing about her outward appearance that would give away the mess of confusion she was feeling. Manuel would know, of course, but that was probably why she was avoiding him. He'd already called her on her denial once.
It wasn't strictly true that Jamie was searching for Kitty, but then, he wasn't about to pass up a chance to spend time with her, even if said time mostly pretty much consisted of watching her do math. So when he saw her through the open door, it didn't take very long for him to flop down on the couch next to her.
He gave the math a thoroughly serious look, then turned to Kitty with a deadpan expression. "Seven. Definitely. The answer is seven."
Kitty snorted, pencil moving rapidly across the page. "If that were true there would be some very astonished mathematicians out there, looking at their calculators and computers and asking why two and two suddenly equalled six." She flashed a grin at him. "How goes?"
"Ah, we'll just send Lorna to explain it to them, once she's up to it. No problem. Besides, mathematicians need these little surprises once in a while, keeps 'em from getting bored." Jamie returned the grin. "I'm okay. Bunch of papers to write, but nothing incredibly mind-destroying." He tilted his head. "How about you? Seemed like Kyle's hotness dissertation last night got to you a little more than that kind of thing usually does."
Kitty turned her attention back to the paper in front of her, although she didn't actually go back to work. "I just... wasn't in the mood for it," she said finally, shrugging slightly. "Couldn't take the... well you know, they say one thing, and I look in the mirror or whatever and I don't see it."
"I keep hoping one of these days you will. Or I'll get to be a telepath for five seconds, or something." Jamie smiled wistfully. "Always been obvious to me." He shrugged. "You just seemed kinda . . . less in the mood for it than usual, though. Just exam stress, or is there something going on?"
"Exam stress isn't enough? College, plus a job, apparently much harder than expected." It wasn't an answer, and Kitty knew it. And she knew Jamie would probably know it too. And maybe he would know that she knew he knew. She just wasn't sure she could say 'I don't understand why people like me when I'm such scum' out loud. Particularly not since there would be denials of her scumhood, and questions about why she thought she was scum, and that was... That was unplesant.
"Well, is exam stress enough? I mean, I know from convenient catch-all excuses, and that's pretty near the top of the list." Jamie frowned slightly, concerned. "Better out than in?" he ventured. "Especially if I promise not to try to directly boost your self-esteem by using any form of pedestal, pillar, or step stool?"
"I'm just... just... I'm a horrible person." It came out little more than a whisper. "Forge is back and he made that big post and confession thing and everyone's upset or concerned or whatever about what he did at his old school, and the only thing I could think was 'without his mutant power, is he still smarter than I am?' He was kidnapped, and who knows what happened to him, and here I am, and I'm just the scum of the universe and everybody looks at me and they think I'm nice and sweet and pretty or whatever and I'm just, I'm not. I'm not." Once the words started escaping she couldn't keep them in anymore, they just poured over each other, and Kitty couldn't look at him. She didn't know if she'd see condemnation or sympathy in Jamie's eyes, but right now she wasn't sure she could take either.
"Well, I guess I'm a horrible person too," Jamie said matter-of-factly. "Because my reaction was sort of a cross between, oh crap, is it time to nominate for the More Than I Wanted To Know Award again already, and, goddammit do we have to have another fight on the journals this week, I'm tired and I want to stop being cranky at everyone I live with." He slipped an arm around Kitty's shoulders, offering his own. "You've only been worrying about being overshadowed by people for as long as I've known you. It's not your best feature, but everybody's horrible people sometimes and the world doesn't end, huh? And it'd be an understatement to call this a really crappy couple of months, so of course you're not at your best."
Still not looking up, she curled into him, hiding her face against his shoulder. "I just... he's lost everything that mattered to him, and I disagreed that it was all that mattered, but the way he wrote that post it's clear he still thinks it's his mutation that made him special and the only thing I could think was that now that he didn't have it..." She sniffed. "At least you weren't feeling good about it." Although she'd only managed to feel good for the nanosecond before the guilt hit, and she felt, if anything, more guilty about having felt good than for having the thought in the first place.
"What, like thinking 'oh my God shut up already' at the guy when he's spilling his deepest darkest secrets in a moment of soul-baring confession is any better? And you're feeling guilty now. I'm not, particularly. So by that measure, you're the better person." Jamie sighed and nestled her closer, stroking her hair gently. "You have exam stress on top of catching-up-on-classes stress on top of revolutionizing-the-science-of-cybernetics stress on top of it's-just-plain-been-a-suckass-couple-of-months stress. Something's gotta give sometime, hon. That's not an excuse, it's just reality."
"I'm Jewish, we do guilt almost as well as Catholics, only with better food." Finally she looked up, remarkably dry eyed, but clearly pretty miserable. "Reality sucks."
"Yeah it does. It definitely does." Jamie smiled. "But on the upside, we haven't started threatening people for doing things we only think they might maybe wanna do yet, which puts us ahead of some." He paused. "Hey, now there's a thought. Think it'd help to have something to look forward to? Because I just had an idea."
The laugh that summoned up didn't have that much humor in it, but she managed a smile. "Yes, something to look forward to could be good. What did you have in mind?"
"Well, we've got Christmas break coming up. What say we take off down to the farm? There's nobody else coming over this year, so it'd just be you, me, my parents, the dog, and the livestock. No cooking, no homework, no life-or-death emergencies . . . I'd have chores, but I can send a dupe to do those, and in theory we could spend the whole break hiding out in my room and eating my mom's cookies. Maybe if we're lucky we'll even get snowed in, what do you think?"
"Christmas at the farm sounds wonderful," Kitty said, smiling more sincerely this time. "My parents may make unhappy noises but... Hey, actually, but what if we do New Years in Chicago? There's not quite as big a fuss as here in New York, but it's still a pretty impressive party, from what I remember."
"I'd be up for that, as long as you promise to protect me from your mom." Jamie grinned lazily. "Or I could go in disguise? Wear a ski mask and gloves all the time and pass myself off as your new boyfriend Jasper the Lovable Burn Victim?"
Kitty snorted. "If we're going to do that we might as well pretend you're Jewish. Issac, the Lovable Orthodox Burn Victim. Or, you know, we could just stay at my dad's. He hasn't got a guest room persay, but he could probably get a cot to stick in the study for you. I usually just sleep on his couch."
"Oh, sure," Jamie retorted. "Because fathers are way more reasonable about their only daughter's boyfriend than mothers are, on average. I'll just stash a dupe back at the farm in case of unfortunate accidents with the paper hats . . ." He grinned. "Kidding. I'm sure it'll be fine."
Kitty actually laughed slightly, although it was a quiet laugh. Sliding an arm around Jamie, she gave him a little hug. "Thank you," she said. "I don't deserve you."
"Do so. Don't make me get out that step stool after all."
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no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 02:40 am (UTC)Yeah, I can relate. TOTALLY.
Good job. -Excellent- log.
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Date: 2005-10-21 04:31 am (UTC)Thank you.