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xp_logsPete finally brings Amanda back to the mansion after taking care of Selene and it's Moira who ends up giving her the expected check up. It's an emotional scene.
The air was cold on her bare shoulders and Amanda found herself wishing she'd been able to get out of the Hellfire outfit before doing this. But Pete had pretty much insisted that she get checked over, given what she'd done tonight. The thought of any of the doctors checking her over terrified her, though - no matter who it was, she'd have to look into their faces with the knowledge that she'd stolen energy from them, violated them essentially. And there was nothing she could say, no apologies she could make that would have any meaning. Remy had made her understand that.
Moira paused outside of the examination room and leaned her head against the door for a second, gathering herself before going in. She'd gotten a very brief but detailed explanation of what was going on before she'd rushed down here. Out of all of the doctors she was probably the best one for this, especially in light of her talk with Remy. It still didn't make it any easier.
Knocking once, she pushed it open, juggling a change of clothes and Amanda's medical files in one arm. Shutting the door behind her, she took a deep breath. "Amanda."
Oh shit, no... Amanda tried hard to keep from flinching, but it had been a long night, long and emotional and she didn't have it in her any more. Hunching her shoulders unconsciously, she bit her lip and replied, quietly: "Moira. I..." The words died. What could she say? 'Sorry for putting you in danger'? 'Sorry for putting your husband into psychic shock'? 'Sorry for going to the psychic vampire for help and not telling you'?
Sorry had no meaning.
"What do you need me to do?" she asked instead.
Putting her hand over her mouth, Moira closed her eyes. This was harder than she thought it was going to be. A part of her wanted to throw everything back in her face, scream and rant and rave at her. But the other part, most of her in fact, just wanted to have a good cry and hug her.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, mostly to herself but to Amanda as well. "I'm so sorry."
"No." It came out as a strangled whisper and Amanda reached out with a shaking hand despite herself. "No, Moira, no, please don't. It's my fault, I got it all wrong, please don't blame yourself..." Having Nathan hate her was bad enough, but to see Moira like this? It drove home the point even more that she'd hurt people, hurt them more than she could ever hope to repair.
Before she could withdraw the hand, Moira shot out her own and clutched at it tightly. "We messed up too," she said softly, unshed tears in her voice. "Did ye get it wron'? God, aye, ye did an' ye'll be workin' ta put things right. Did we slip up somewhere? Aye, we did. We failed each other, Amanda, we all made mistakes."
Her voice sounded strangled even to her own ears. "But we're family."
Moira still...? Something in Amanda's chest twisted and she let out a hiccuping sob even as she held onto Moira's hand like she was drowning. "I knew it was wrong," she choked out. "Going to Selene, making the deal. But I got tired of all of it, Moira. The addiction, getting hurt all the time, people going away... It's a crappy bloody excuse and I'm not trying to get out of it. I know I have to pay for what I did. I tried, at the Hellfire Club. When Alison was... I wanted to use myself, only Askani said it mightn't work and that it spit on what Pete was doing, but I didn't want to, I didn't want anyone else to get hurt 'cause of me, not again." The sobbing got too much for her to talk any more and she just held onto Moira's hand as if she was afraid to let it go. Perhaps she was. "I fucked it all up so much."
The sobbing tore at Moira's heart and her own tears flowed easily as she struggled to keep her own words to something they would both understand instead of hysterically babbling that she was almost falling into. "I'm still mad an' 'urt at wha' 'appened, at bot' o' us. But I cannae give up on ye, I never could. Ye've got good in ye nay matter th' mistakes. Ye see tha' ye messed up an' how deep those mistakes ran an' 'tis a good first step. I dinnae 'ave th' luxary o' nay forgivin' those in me life--ye or Rory--because..."
Sinking down to the ground, she tugged on Amanda's hand to pull her into a bone crushing embrace. "I lost Kevin an' I couldnae do a bloody damned thin' about it," she whispered harshly. "An' I'll be damned if I can jus' let go so easily. We're family, we're 'uman, an' we'll work past whatever we 'ave ta."
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Remy was dying and I saw him there and all I could think of was Charlie..." Amanda hung onto Moira for dear life, her voice shrinking to a choked whisper through the sobs. "I'm sorry I didn't ask, I just couldn't let him go, not after everything we'd been through. And there wasn't time to get the team - he was dead, you said he was and there's only so many people Kurt can 'port at a time and I couldn't reach any further. But I wouldn't have hurt Rachel, I'd never do that, I swear." It was important that Moira know that. "I'm not a monster, I'm not, I didn't let her make me that. Please believe that, please."
"I do, I really do," Moira breathed, clutching tighter as the pain in her chest lessened slightly. "Ye thought ye 'ad ta do it tha' way, an' maybe ye did. At th' time ye couldnae see why we were so upset. I just wish I could 'ave made ye see at th' time but I backed off, closed off. Dinnae even let meself think 'bout everythin' an' how I felt until Remy an' I talked. Th' mistakes we've all made..."
"You were scared of me," Amanda whispered. "And I couldn't understand why - I only did what had to be done, same as everyone's always told me I should do. It wasn't until later, when Remy came to see me..." She leaned her face against Moira's shoulder, trying to stop the crying - she'd wept enough tonight. "How's Manuel?" she asked at last, broaching the question she'd been unable to bring up with anyone else. "The link, me leaving... has it made him go bad? Askani said last year I had to stay with him or he would and I tried, but I just couldn't take it any more. Not after everything..."
"Nay evil, jus'...'urtin'," she assured her. "Charles 'as been keepin' an eye on him. An' I was never afraid o' ye, jus' so verra angry. Angry tha' ye would do tha' without askin', without thinkin'. Angry tha' ye kept this ta yerself. An' angry at meself for nay seein' wha' was goin' on."
"I was stupid. It felt like... like no-one was interested in me and my dramas any more. Nate stopped talking to me, Pete left, Manuel just didn't get it, Strange buggered off. You were so busy all the time with everything else. After what I did to Meg I just wanted... I wanted it to stop. The needing. I wanted to be strong, to be what everyone wanted me to be, only I couldn't do that with the addiction." Amanda's fist clenched, nails digging into her palms. "It felt like every other time I let my guard down, with a foster family I liked, with a social worker who actually got it, with Rom even. Something would come up, something more important or they'd get all they wanted from me and they'd leave. I should have trusted you, I know I should have, only I couldn't, I don't know why. I should be normal, I've had all the chances. Maybe I'm just too fucked up to ever be normal, not like the way I'm s'posed to."
"Nay, nay." One arm still wound around Amanda's shoulders, Moira gently pried her hand open and squeezed. "Sometimes there are things tha' are so ingrained in us tha' 'tis 'ard ta let go. Do ye know how long it took me ta stop reachin' for a drink? Or ta stop goin' inta 'idin' when things got rough? Comin' 'ere is wha' stopped those 'abits. Ye've 'ad less time ta step away an' see tha' ye dinnae need ta fall inta those 'abits again. Ye've messed up an' ye let these chances slip by ye but there'll be more chances down th' road. They'll only stop once yer in th' ground an' yer far, far from tha'."
Thanks to Askani. Amanda shuddered briefly, wondering if she'd ever forgive herself for taking that life. If every time Nate looked at her he'd see the murderer of his Clan. "I don't know how to fix things," she said at last. "It's so big... I never thought I'd come back here, Moira. I figured I'd end up in a box sooner or later and that'd be best all 'round. But now... there's people who believe in me, even now, and I can't throw that back in their faces. I want to live, but I'm not sure how I can go on after what I've done."
At the shudder, Moira drew her closer, the lab coat falling around both of them. "One step at a time. It willnae be easy... in fact, it may be one o' th' 'ardest things ye do. One step an' one day, as much o' a cliche as it is. Ye'll be able ta 'eal an' fix things in time." Sighing, she leaned her head on top of Amanda's. "Ye'll come through this, gloamin'."
Heal? Did she want that? Her mutant power wasn't working, she knew that already - she hadn't been able to sense the magicks binding Selene when she'd gone with Strange and Pete, and she knew for a fact Moira's office had several artefacts she should have been able to pick up. Too much energy channelled, she supposed. "I missed you," she murmured, forcing herself to think about that later. Cuddling into the older woman, she seemed much younger, younger than Meggan, even. "When you weren't there. You and Nate both."
There were things to be dealt with but later, Moira decided, tightening her hold as if she wasn't prepared to let go for awhile. Things were changing, had already started to change when it all started, and that was everything from powers to relationships. It wasn't the time to get into that.
"I missed ye ta, so verra, verra much."
"My head hurts," Amanda said softly, eyes dropping closed. "An' I'm tired. I got so lost..." Forcing herself to rally against the fatigue threatening to overwhelm her. "Am I done? Can I sleep now?"
Moira let herself chuckle a little bit. "We've spent so much time weepin' on each other, lass, tha' I wasnae able ta do an examination. I'll make it fast an' we'll get ye inta some more... comfortable clothes an' let ye sleep." Standing up, she helped Amanda up as well who clearly wasn't going very far from her side. As they walked over to the table, she leaned over and whispered, "Ye got lost but ye found yer way back 'ome, love. Welcome back."
The air was cold on her bare shoulders and Amanda found herself wishing she'd been able to get out of the Hellfire outfit before doing this. But Pete had pretty much insisted that she get checked over, given what she'd done tonight. The thought of any of the doctors checking her over terrified her, though - no matter who it was, she'd have to look into their faces with the knowledge that she'd stolen energy from them, violated them essentially. And there was nothing she could say, no apologies she could make that would have any meaning. Remy had made her understand that.
Moira paused outside of the examination room and leaned her head against the door for a second, gathering herself before going in. She'd gotten a very brief but detailed explanation of what was going on before she'd rushed down here. Out of all of the doctors she was probably the best one for this, especially in light of her talk with Remy. It still didn't make it any easier.
Knocking once, she pushed it open, juggling a change of clothes and Amanda's medical files in one arm. Shutting the door behind her, she took a deep breath. "Amanda."
Oh shit, no... Amanda tried hard to keep from flinching, but it had been a long night, long and emotional and she didn't have it in her any more. Hunching her shoulders unconsciously, she bit her lip and replied, quietly: "Moira. I..." The words died. What could she say? 'Sorry for putting you in danger'? 'Sorry for putting your husband into psychic shock'? 'Sorry for going to the psychic vampire for help and not telling you'?
Sorry had no meaning.
"What do you need me to do?" she asked instead.
Putting her hand over her mouth, Moira closed her eyes. This was harder than she thought it was going to be. A part of her wanted to throw everything back in her face, scream and rant and rave at her. But the other part, most of her in fact, just wanted to have a good cry and hug her.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, mostly to herself but to Amanda as well. "I'm so sorry."
"No." It came out as a strangled whisper and Amanda reached out with a shaking hand despite herself. "No, Moira, no, please don't. It's my fault, I got it all wrong, please don't blame yourself..." Having Nathan hate her was bad enough, but to see Moira like this? It drove home the point even more that she'd hurt people, hurt them more than she could ever hope to repair.
Before she could withdraw the hand, Moira shot out her own and clutched at it tightly. "We messed up too," she said softly, unshed tears in her voice. "Did ye get it wron'? God, aye, ye did an' ye'll be workin' ta put things right. Did we slip up somewhere? Aye, we did. We failed each other, Amanda, we all made mistakes."
Her voice sounded strangled even to her own ears. "But we're family."
Moira still...? Something in Amanda's chest twisted and she let out a hiccuping sob even as she held onto Moira's hand like she was drowning. "I knew it was wrong," she choked out. "Going to Selene, making the deal. But I got tired of all of it, Moira. The addiction, getting hurt all the time, people going away... It's a crappy bloody excuse and I'm not trying to get out of it. I know I have to pay for what I did. I tried, at the Hellfire Club. When Alison was... I wanted to use myself, only Askani said it mightn't work and that it spit on what Pete was doing, but I didn't want to, I didn't want anyone else to get hurt 'cause of me, not again." The sobbing got too much for her to talk any more and she just held onto Moira's hand as if she was afraid to let it go. Perhaps she was. "I fucked it all up so much."
The sobbing tore at Moira's heart and her own tears flowed easily as she struggled to keep her own words to something they would both understand instead of hysterically babbling that she was almost falling into. "I'm still mad an' 'urt at wha' 'appened, at bot' o' us. But I cannae give up on ye, I never could. Ye've got good in ye nay matter th' mistakes. Ye see tha' ye messed up an' how deep those mistakes ran an' 'tis a good first step. I dinnae 'ave th' luxary o' nay forgivin' those in me life--ye or Rory--because..."
Sinking down to the ground, she tugged on Amanda's hand to pull her into a bone crushing embrace. "I lost Kevin an' I couldnae do a bloody damned thin' about it," she whispered harshly. "An' I'll be damned if I can jus' let go so easily. We're family, we're 'uman, an' we'll work past whatever we 'ave ta."
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Remy was dying and I saw him there and all I could think of was Charlie..." Amanda hung onto Moira for dear life, her voice shrinking to a choked whisper through the sobs. "I'm sorry I didn't ask, I just couldn't let him go, not after everything we'd been through. And there wasn't time to get the team - he was dead, you said he was and there's only so many people Kurt can 'port at a time and I couldn't reach any further. But I wouldn't have hurt Rachel, I'd never do that, I swear." It was important that Moira know that. "I'm not a monster, I'm not, I didn't let her make me that. Please believe that, please."
"I do, I really do," Moira breathed, clutching tighter as the pain in her chest lessened slightly. "Ye thought ye 'ad ta do it tha' way, an' maybe ye did. At th' time ye couldnae see why we were so upset. I just wish I could 'ave made ye see at th' time but I backed off, closed off. Dinnae even let meself think 'bout everythin' an' how I felt until Remy an' I talked. Th' mistakes we've all made..."
"You were scared of me," Amanda whispered. "And I couldn't understand why - I only did what had to be done, same as everyone's always told me I should do. It wasn't until later, when Remy came to see me..." She leaned her face against Moira's shoulder, trying to stop the crying - she'd wept enough tonight. "How's Manuel?" she asked at last, broaching the question she'd been unable to bring up with anyone else. "The link, me leaving... has it made him go bad? Askani said last year I had to stay with him or he would and I tried, but I just couldn't take it any more. Not after everything..."
"Nay evil, jus'...'urtin'," she assured her. "Charles 'as been keepin' an eye on him. An' I was never afraid o' ye, jus' so verra angry. Angry tha' ye would do tha' without askin', without thinkin'. Angry tha' ye kept this ta yerself. An' angry at meself for nay seein' wha' was goin' on."
"I was stupid. It felt like... like no-one was interested in me and my dramas any more. Nate stopped talking to me, Pete left, Manuel just didn't get it, Strange buggered off. You were so busy all the time with everything else. After what I did to Meg I just wanted... I wanted it to stop. The needing. I wanted to be strong, to be what everyone wanted me to be, only I couldn't do that with the addiction." Amanda's fist clenched, nails digging into her palms. "It felt like every other time I let my guard down, with a foster family I liked, with a social worker who actually got it, with Rom even. Something would come up, something more important or they'd get all they wanted from me and they'd leave. I should have trusted you, I know I should have, only I couldn't, I don't know why. I should be normal, I've had all the chances. Maybe I'm just too fucked up to ever be normal, not like the way I'm s'posed to."
"Nay, nay." One arm still wound around Amanda's shoulders, Moira gently pried her hand open and squeezed. "Sometimes there are things tha' are so ingrained in us tha' 'tis 'ard ta let go. Do ye know how long it took me ta stop reachin' for a drink? Or ta stop goin' inta 'idin' when things got rough? Comin' 'ere is wha' stopped those 'abits. Ye've 'ad less time ta step away an' see tha' ye dinnae need ta fall inta those 'abits again. Ye've messed up an' ye let these chances slip by ye but there'll be more chances down th' road. They'll only stop once yer in th' ground an' yer far, far from tha'."
Thanks to Askani. Amanda shuddered briefly, wondering if she'd ever forgive herself for taking that life. If every time Nate looked at her he'd see the murderer of his Clan. "I don't know how to fix things," she said at last. "It's so big... I never thought I'd come back here, Moira. I figured I'd end up in a box sooner or later and that'd be best all 'round. But now... there's people who believe in me, even now, and I can't throw that back in their faces. I want to live, but I'm not sure how I can go on after what I've done."
At the shudder, Moira drew her closer, the lab coat falling around both of them. "One step at a time. It willnae be easy... in fact, it may be one o' th' 'ardest things ye do. One step an' one day, as much o' a cliche as it is. Ye'll be able ta 'eal an' fix things in time." Sighing, she leaned her head on top of Amanda's. "Ye'll come through this, gloamin'."
Heal? Did she want that? Her mutant power wasn't working, she knew that already - she hadn't been able to sense the magicks binding Selene when she'd gone with Strange and Pete, and she knew for a fact Moira's office had several artefacts she should have been able to pick up. Too much energy channelled, she supposed. "I missed you," she murmured, forcing herself to think about that later. Cuddling into the older woman, she seemed much younger, younger than Meggan, even. "When you weren't there. You and Nate both."
There were things to be dealt with but later, Moira decided, tightening her hold as if she wasn't prepared to let go for awhile. Things were changing, had already started to change when it all started, and that was everything from powers to relationships. It wasn't the time to get into that.
"I missed ye ta, so verra, verra much."
"My head hurts," Amanda said softly, eyes dropping closed. "An' I'm tired. I got so lost..." Forcing herself to rally against the fatigue threatening to overwhelm her. "Am I done? Can I sleep now?"
Moira let herself chuckle a little bit. "We've spent so much time weepin' on each other, lass, tha' I wasnae able ta do an examination. I'll make it fast an' we'll get ye inta some more... comfortable clothes an' let ye sleep." Standing up, she helped Amanda up as well who clearly wasn't going very far from her side. As they walked over to the table, she leaned over and whispered, "Ye got lost but ye found yer way back 'ome, love. Welcome back."
