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xp_logsKurt gets back from Germany and goes to talk to his little sister.
Back in her room again.
It was strange, how things went in cycles. Alone, in her stripped room, alone with her thoughts, with her choices. And their consequences. But this time the door was open, and her room bathed in the cheery glow from the common room area. Voices, soft and reassuring could be heard bickering good-naturedly about Jubilee's choice in tv programs. Yawning, Amanda sat up from the nap she hadn't meant to take and reached for the lamp switch, blinking in the sudden brightness. Physically she still felt... off, unbalanced, her system trying to adapt to the burnout of her powers - Moira had said she'd feel it for a while, until things started healing again.
A movement by the door caught her attention from where that thought was tending to lead, and she looked up, startled but not frightened. Her return was not a popular event, but Marie-Ange and Jubilee had appointed themselves her guards, protecting her from those who might make their objections physical. And from herself, she suspected. She'd caught the looks. But then she realised who her visitor was, and that he was standing in the doorway, watching her with worried yellow eyes.
"Hey Kurt," she said, followed immediately by: "How's Meg?"
"Hello, Amanda", he answered, moving further into the room without taking his eyes off her. The blonde hair heightened her resemblance to Jimiane, he realised. "She is well. Worried about you. And she is not the only one."
She felt ashamed. These good people shouldn't have to worry about her. "I'm sorry," she said, ducking her head. "Made a right royal mess of things - again - didn't I?" When he opened his mouth to reply, she waved her hand. "Nah, don't answer that. Meg... I was thinking. Maybe it might be best if she goes to Margali for a while? Things've been too difficult for her here. She's not making friends and she needs someone who can take care of her properly. I... can't." The admission came hard, but easier than it might have months ago.
There was a flash of pain in his eyes at the thought of 'losing' them both, but he nodded reluctantly. "I will ask Margali if she will take her. I think she will be happy to."
"It's best for her. I've... fucked things up with her, good and proper. Best she gets a chance without me." It wasn't putting herself down, just simple truth - she had messed things up for a lot of people and she'd do what damage control she could. "I'm sorry," she said again, lamely. It didn't even begin to cover things.
"I hope perhaps you will contact her again, when some time has passed," he suggested gently. "A year or two, perhaps. I do not think she will forget you."
'More's the pity,' Amanda thought. She'd done what she'd done partly to keep Meggan safe, but she'd only made things worse - best the girl forgot about her. "Why're you here, Kurt?" she asked at last. "Margali made it pretty clear she doesn't want anything to do with me after tainting the family legacy the way I did."
"I am not Margali", he answered simply. "And I do not see things in terms of magic, as she sometimes does. She has not forbidden me to see you, and I do not think I would obey if she did."
"Even though I..." Amanda hesitated, and then plunged on, bringing up the thing that was haunting her most. "I crossed the line, Kurt. Even at my worst last year, I didn't do that. And now..." She looked down at her hands. "I've killed someone," she whispered. "Askani offered herself, but... a life's still a life. How do I come back from that?"
He looked at her sadly. "I have no answers, little sister, except to remind you that Askani was already dead and it was her choice. And the fact that you want to come back from it is enough for me."
"But how can it be enough, Kurt? What I did... Alison would never have needed saving if it hadn't been for me! And now Nate's gone off with Pete and I saw how broken he was! It all made sense at the time, but now... I've been such a bloody idiot, Kurt." Her shoulders sagged, her head dropping. "I don't know how you lot can forgive me when I can't forgive meself."
He stepped forward to reach out to her. "Those of us who forgive you do it, perhaps, because you cannot forgive yourself. And for myself... I think our family has let you down enough."
"I let you down first," she said, not able to stop the small smile at how childish that sounded, even to her. Looking at the offered hand, she hesitated only a little before laying her own in Kurt's broad palm and feeling his fingers close over it. There was something calming about him - when everything was in turmoil, she could somehow count on him. If only to be the same Saint Kurt. "I don't know how to fix things, Kurt. Sorry isn't enough, not this time."
"That depends on your definition of 'let down'", he commented quietly. "Sometimes the only thing you can do is show willing to fix it."
"I never gave you all a chance," she confessed quietly. "Not really. I didn't trust you enough to help me when I needed it, didn't go to the family until I had nowhere else. As for the rest... I don't know how to even start. I hurt people so bad, Kurt. Manuel, Nate, the docs..." Her hand tightened on his without noticing it. "Even the ones I didn't touch directly are scared of me."
"I am not scared of you", he told her with absolute sincerity. "I never was. And I do not know if one person will be enough, but... I cannot offer anything more."
"You're not the only one," Amanda said softly, glancing towards the door which was still open. Marie-Ange and Jubilee had apparently agreed on a movie and were talking quietly, almost conspicuously not listening in. "Ange, Jubes, Frenchie..." she'd slipped back into the old nicknames. "They're sticking by me and I'm buggered if I know why." She looked up at Kurt. "Askani told me it wasn't my time yet, that I had to keep going, make what Pete and Alison did for me worth it. I'm not sure I can."
"It will be hard," he acknowledged. "Very hard. But you will not be doing it alone. You have your friends out there... and your family."
"I'll never understand you, Kurt, never in a million years," Amanda said with a small watery smile. "After all I've done and said, you're still here, still willing to give me a chance. We're not even blood related." She didn 't let go of his hand, though.
He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I have been with the clan for as long as I can remember. Blood is not always what counts."
"You're more clan than I'll ever be," she said, thinking of Nathan... and Rachel. Blood had won out, there, and she couldn't blame him, not really. "I just... I feel lost, Kurt. The magic was the one thing I could count on, the thing that got me through everything, only I made some really fucked up choices because of it. I wish..." She let her words trail off, not wanting to speak the half-formed thought. "I wish it hadn't happened. But that doesn't help, does it?"
He shook his head sadly. "It rarely does, in any real way. But I think you have enough strength to get through with or without your magic. As long as you remember there are those you can lean on, should you need it."
That was the crux of it, what had let her down before. Her inability to lean on others, when there was always the chance they wouldn't be there when she needed them, regardless of what they said. Words lie. Kurt, Moira, Jubilee, Marie-Ange... they all had their lives, had to do what they needed to do, but it didn't mean that she couldn't trust them, couldn't lean on them. With a shuddering breath, she did something she had never done with Kurt before - scooting closer to him, she leaned her head against his shoulder with a small sigh.
"I'll try," she whispered.
"Good", he answered softly, wrapping his arms loosely around her. "And I promise you, if there is any way I can be there when you need me, I will be."
Back in her room again.
It was strange, how things went in cycles. Alone, in her stripped room, alone with her thoughts, with her choices. And their consequences. But this time the door was open, and her room bathed in the cheery glow from the common room area. Voices, soft and reassuring could be heard bickering good-naturedly about Jubilee's choice in tv programs. Yawning, Amanda sat up from the nap she hadn't meant to take and reached for the lamp switch, blinking in the sudden brightness. Physically she still felt... off, unbalanced, her system trying to adapt to the burnout of her powers - Moira had said she'd feel it for a while, until things started healing again.
A movement by the door caught her attention from where that thought was tending to lead, and she looked up, startled but not frightened. Her return was not a popular event, but Marie-Ange and Jubilee had appointed themselves her guards, protecting her from those who might make their objections physical. And from herself, she suspected. She'd caught the looks. But then she realised who her visitor was, and that he was standing in the doorway, watching her with worried yellow eyes.
"Hey Kurt," she said, followed immediately by: "How's Meg?"
"Hello, Amanda", he answered, moving further into the room without taking his eyes off her. The blonde hair heightened her resemblance to Jimiane, he realised. "She is well. Worried about you. And she is not the only one."
She felt ashamed. These good people shouldn't have to worry about her. "I'm sorry," she said, ducking her head. "Made a right royal mess of things - again - didn't I?" When he opened his mouth to reply, she waved her hand. "Nah, don't answer that. Meg... I was thinking. Maybe it might be best if she goes to Margali for a while? Things've been too difficult for her here. She's not making friends and she needs someone who can take care of her properly. I... can't." The admission came hard, but easier than it might have months ago.
There was a flash of pain in his eyes at the thought of 'losing' them both, but he nodded reluctantly. "I will ask Margali if she will take her. I think she will be happy to."
"It's best for her. I've... fucked things up with her, good and proper. Best she gets a chance without me." It wasn't putting herself down, just simple truth - she had messed things up for a lot of people and she'd do what damage control she could. "I'm sorry," she said again, lamely. It didn't even begin to cover things.
"I hope perhaps you will contact her again, when some time has passed," he suggested gently. "A year or two, perhaps. I do not think she will forget you."
'More's the pity,' Amanda thought. She'd done what she'd done partly to keep Meggan safe, but she'd only made things worse - best the girl forgot about her. "Why're you here, Kurt?" she asked at last. "Margali made it pretty clear she doesn't want anything to do with me after tainting the family legacy the way I did."
"I am not Margali", he answered simply. "And I do not see things in terms of magic, as she sometimes does. She has not forbidden me to see you, and I do not think I would obey if she did."
"Even though I..." Amanda hesitated, and then plunged on, bringing up the thing that was haunting her most. "I crossed the line, Kurt. Even at my worst last year, I didn't do that. And now..." She looked down at her hands. "I've killed someone," she whispered. "Askani offered herself, but... a life's still a life. How do I come back from that?"
He looked at her sadly. "I have no answers, little sister, except to remind you that Askani was already dead and it was her choice. And the fact that you want to come back from it is enough for me."
"But how can it be enough, Kurt? What I did... Alison would never have needed saving if it hadn't been for me! And now Nate's gone off with Pete and I saw how broken he was! It all made sense at the time, but now... I've been such a bloody idiot, Kurt." Her shoulders sagged, her head dropping. "I don't know how you lot can forgive me when I can't forgive meself."
He stepped forward to reach out to her. "Those of us who forgive you do it, perhaps, because you cannot forgive yourself. And for myself... I think our family has let you down enough."
"I let you down first," she said, not able to stop the small smile at how childish that sounded, even to her. Looking at the offered hand, she hesitated only a little before laying her own in Kurt's broad palm and feeling his fingers close over it. There was something calming about him - when everything was in turmoil, she could somehow count on him. If only to be the same Saint Kurt. "I don't know how to fix things, Kurt. Sorry isn't enough, not this time."
"That depends on your definition of 'let down'", he commented quietly. "Sometimes the only thing you can do is show willing to fix it."
"I never gave you all a chance," she confessed quietly. "Not really. I didn't trust you enough to help me when I needed it, didn't go to the family until I had nowhere else. As for the rest... I don't know how to even start. I hurt people so bad, Kurt. Manuel, Nate, the docs..." Her hand tightened on his without noticing it. "Even the ones I didn't touch directly are scared of me."
"I am not scared of you", he told her with absolute sincerity. "I never was. And I do not know if one person will be enough, but... I cannot offer anything more."
"You're not the only one," Amanda said softly, glancing towards the door which was still open. Marie-Ange and Jubilee had apparently agreed on a movie and were talking quietly, almost conspicuously not listening in. "Ange, Jubes, Frenchie..." she'd slipped back into the old nicknames. "They're sticking by me and I'm buggered if I know why." She looked up at Kurt. "Askani told me it wasn't my time yet, that I had to keep going, make what Pete and Alison did for me worth it. I'm not sure I can."
"It will be hard," he acknowledged. "Very hard. But you will not be doing it alone. You have your friends out there... and your family."
"I'll never understand you, Kurt, never in a million years," Amanda said with a small watery smile. "After all I've done and said, you're still here, still willing to give me a chance. We're not even blood related." She didn 't let go of his hand, though.
He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I have been with the clan for as long as I can remember. Blood is not always what counts."
"You're more clan than I'll ever be," she said, thinking of Nathan... and Rachel. Blood had won out, there, and she couldn't blame him, not really. "I just... I feel lost, Kurt. The magic was the one thing I could count on, the thing that got me through everything, only I made some really fucked up choices because of it. I wish..." She let her words trail off, not wanting to speak the half-formed thought. "I wish it hadn't happened. But that doesn't help, does it?"
He shook his head sadly. "It rarely does, in any real way. But I think you have enough strength to get through with or without your magic. As long as you remember there are those you can lean on, should you need it."
That was the crux of it, what had let her down before. Her inability to lean on others, when there was always the chance they wouldn't be there when she needed them, regardless of what they said. Words lie. Kurt, Moira, Jubilee, Marie-Ange... they all had their lives, had to do what they needed to do, but it didn't mean that she couldn't trust them, couldn't lean on them. With a shuddering breath, she did something she had never done with Kurt before - scooting closer to him, she leaned her head against his shoulder with a small sigh.
"I'll try," she whispered.
"Good", he answered softly, wrapping his arms loosely around her. "And I promise you, if there is any way I can be there when you need me, I will be."
