xp_logs | Nathan and Haroun, Saturday morning

Haroun runs into Nathan, who has Rachel in tow - or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, the conversation doesn't go too much better this time, although at least there's less yelling.

"Oooooooo...."

"Stop that," Nathan said in aggravation as his daughter slipped out of his arms and floated in the direction of the ceiling, bobbing ahead of him down the hall. Rachel made a terrible face at him. "Your mother would be yelping if she saw you doing that."

Haroun was heading upstairs from the Gym - he was tired, soaked in sweat, and longingly looking forward to a nice long therapeutic soak in his oversized tub. But when he saw Nathan, his good mood chilled a bit. But Rachel perked it back up - he had a soft spot for little kids, and little Rachel was as cute as a button. Besides, she was giving Nate grey hair and right not that was OK with him.

"Oooo?" Rachel cooed at Haroun and turned upside down in her bubble to regard him, waving her little hands.

Nathan shuddered, the image of her bubble winking out and her falling on her head occurring to him. Before he made the conscious decision to do it, there was a second layer to the bubble, one that he was maintaining. Rachel made an excited sound, her eyes going huge as she focused on what, to a non-psi, would have been empty air.

Haroun waved to Rachel as he walked towards her and her father. "Hey there, Ray," he said with a grin. "Heard you went for a float, you bad thing." he said with a surprisingly tender smile.

"Hee!" She gave him one of those impossibly endearing baby grins and floated towards him, reaching out imploringly. Nathan dropped his bubble, watching in some surprise as hers melted away too, precisely and perfectly timed to coincide with Haroun reaching out to take her.

He looked down at the giggling baby girl in his arms and then ticked her tummy. "You are a Bad Thing! You didn't even wait for me to get better to go flying with you!" he mock-scolded her. She'd know what he meant, he was fairly sure of that.

Rachel stuck her fist in her mouth and gazed up at him adoringly, waves of wordless warmth and happiness emanating from her mind. Nathan watched the two of them, his expression empty but his chest tight.

Haroun melted inside into a gigantic puddle of goo. "Aren't you a charmer? Yes you are!" he said, looking down at Rachel. "And definitely fully-functional. Here, Dad, your daughter needs changing." he said, handing Rachel back to Nathan. "What are you feeding her, VX nerve gas? Da... Darn, that's foul!" he said, mindful of young ears.

"I think it's a defensive mechanism." Rachel, back in his arms, immediately gave a much softer meep and sniffled, peering up at him woefully as she plucked at his shirt. "You know," Nathan said, avoiding both her eyes and Haroun's, "practicing for the next mansion invasion or something."

Haroun smiled thinly at that. "Well, I don't think you want her droppin' bombs on people so you may want to change her." he suggested. "Baby poo - part toxic waste, part Velcro." he joked.

Rachel's sniffling was growing louder and louder, and Nathan sighed, jiggling her a little in his arms. "Shhh," he said, stealing a glance at her and noticing the now-teary big eyes were still locked on his face. "We were heading upstairs, anyway." He supposed Haroun was doing the same thing.

Haroun nodded. "Yeah." he said. Looking over at Ray, he let her take one of his fingers in her baby fist. "Hey, little girl. Don't you cry now." he told her. "Your Daddy's going to go wipe your bottom and get you a clean diaper to wear. You'll feel much better then." To Nate he merely quirked an eyebrow. "Well." he said. "Best I be moving along, eh?" he said. "You've got things to do and your daughter needs you."

"She's not crying because of her diaper," Nathan said, or started to, because as soon as Haroun took her hand, Rachel quieted again. And did not let go, even when Haroun started to pull his hand back. That attempt got a squeal out of her that sounded almost indignant.

Haroun blinked at Rachel. "All right, kiddo, I got the message." he said. "You want me to hold you, I'll hold you. Stinkybutt and all." he said, picking her back up and settling her into his arms. "What are you up to, Stinker?" he asked her with an exaggerated grin. ~That innocent looks isn't going to fool anyone.~ he told her in Arabic.

Rachel chirped and snuggled into his arms, tears gone. Nathan stared at them for a moment and told himself that no, he did not get to blow up at Haroun for being a daughter-stealing, double-standard-cherishing son of a bitch. However tempting the impulse was, just for a moment.

"I guess she's decided she doesn't like me today," he said woodenly. "Mind walking up with us? I don't want to wind up chasing her."

Haroun nodded. "Sure thing." he said and set off towards Nathan and Moira's suite. ~You are a pretty little girl.~ he told Rachel in Arabic. ~Someday, you are going to have the boys all dancing to your tune.~ he told her solemnly. ~It's inevitable.~

"Please," Nathan said. "She's flying at six months old. Let's not tempt her to be any more precocious." It was supposed to be a joke, but came out sounding flat and awkward, and Nathan's jaw tightened. "You notice her eyes are changing color?" he asked, trying to find a safe topic. "They're looking more gray than blue these days."

He shrugged to that. "Take your word for it." he said. "I don't often look at your daughter's eyes." he said flatly. ~But they are very pretty eyes.~ he told Rachel in Arabic as they walked.

Rachel blinked up at him, fist in her mouth again. "Mmmm?"

"Why do you always speak Arabic to her?" The question slipped out before Nathan could stop it.

"Why not?" he said as they turned a corner. Not too much farther to Nathan's suite. "She's too young to understand me when I speak anyway, and she's telepathic. It doesn't matter what tongue I speak when I talk to her, so I choose my native tongue." he explained to Nathan. ~Isn't that right, sweetie?~ he asked Rachel in Arabic. ~It's the thought, not the word, right?~

"Right." It struck Nathan as the suite door grew nearer that there were things that needed to be said here, double standard or not. Because certain things were expected, and besides, the other day had been a perfect example of why he had to be the one to say them. "I'm sorry about the other day. I wasn't very helpful, I know," he said abruptly, not looking at Haroun.

Haroun stiffened a little at that. "You said what needed to be said." he said slowly. "Just because I didn't like it doesn't mean it didn't need to be said."

Breathe in, breathe out. The calm mask settled over his features, and Nathan managed a faint smile. "But it didn't really, did it. Words don't fix a problem like that, like I said. They complicate it. I was being a hypocrite."

"Thought that was my job." he told Nathan blandly. "Being a hyprocite, I mean." He absently let Rachel re-cling to his finger with her hand as he talked to her father.

"Well. In a sense, you are, too. Or at the least you can't take your own medicine," Nathan said slowly, opening the door of the suite. "I seem to remember you yelling at me, baiting me, while I was in that traction rig unable to move. And then I had to be the one who pulled himself together and let that slide," Nathan heard himself say, and couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

"It's what you needed." he said. "You needed to get angry to focus, to pull yourself together." he said calmly. "It worked, but I'm wondering if I made the wrong decision. You always did say I had a shitty way with people." he said with a fine disregard for baby Rachel in his arms.

"There are different types of anger. You get angry fast and you forgive fast. But the way you made me angry that day was to hit me in the guilt." Nathan opened the suite door, keeping his face turned away from Haroun because he wasn't sure the mask was going to stay on. "I'm sick of people doing that. Wanting something from me, and blaming me because I'm wrestling with half a dozen other things and-"

Rachel abruptly burst out crying. "WAAAAH! WAAAAH!" She kicked and flailed in Haroun's arms, coming very close to punching him in the nose accidentally.

Haroun almost dropped Rachel in surprise, but his training dug in and he held on. "Shhhh!" he told the flailing baby. ~Settle down, you. Everything's fine, there's no call for crying.~ he told her urgently.

Nathan had stiffened at Rachel's first shriek, and by the time he turned back around, his expression was utterly neutral again. "Here, give her to me," he said, and Rachel abruptly went still, staring at him with wide teary eyes.

"Mmm?" she whimpered.

"I'm sorry," Nathan murmured - to his daughter, not Haroun, as he took her. "Look," he said, this time to Haroun, "sit down, if you want... I'll just change her and leave her in the nursery where she's not going to pick anything up."

Haroun nodded and took a seat which - truth be told - felt good on his sore back. "Might want to padlock the lid to her crib." he called out helpfully as Nate and Rachel disappeared into the nursery.

"Her crib doesn't have a lid," Nathan called back. He changed her, quickly and efficiently, trying to soothe her as she continued to sniffle. The addition of Mr. Bunny to the crib seemed to do more to calm her down than anything else. "You and your love-hate relationship with that rabbit," he murmured, then headed back out of the nursery, closing the door securely behind him.

Haroun looked up at Nathan. "Given her new tendency to take herself for a float, you might want to consider locking her down when one of you can't be here to watch her." he suggested. "Be safer for everybody."

"I need to have Forge rig up some kind of alarm, I think. At this rate she's going to pick up opening doors in no time." Nathan shook his head. "And from there, the world," he muttered and hesitated, halfway between the nursery door and the kitchenette. "Did you want a drink or something?"

"I'll take a glass of water if it's no trouble." he said. "Thanks."

Nathan took a bottle of spring water out of the fridge and filled two glasses. "Her circuit-breaker's still in perfect working order," he said, coming back out and handing one to Haroun. "That's the scary thing. This is just natural development." So much easier to talk about Rachel.

Haroun took a deep drink of the water Nathan had handed him. "Thanks." he said, stifling a belch. "Kid's got quite the genome." he said. "You should be proud."

"I'd be happier if it didn't make her paternal relatives look at her like-" Nathan bit his lip, then mustered up another faint smile. "It's an adventure," he said.

Haroun smiled thinly at the slip. "I'm sure." he said neutrally. "Still. She'll be a good kid, I think, in the end."

"I know she will be. She's too much like her mother." Nathan turned the glass of water in his hands, around and around again. Rachel was safely in the shielded nursery, and Haroun was... giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Nathan breathed in, then out again. "I know you didn't take it very well when I suggested throwing you off the roof," he said, speaking rapidly, almost in a monotone, "but something like that might be the best way to make some kind of progress. You know that there are plenty of people who could catch you if you don't have that breakthrough moment, and really, you're not going to get anywhere sitting around and agonizing over it. You can ask Charles... or Scott, maybe, too, because he teaches the energy projectors and he knows how much is triggered by mindset. But it's something you maybe want to consider, one way or the other."

Haroun sighed at his friend. "Maybe." he said. "Maybe not. I'm not sure." he said. "I know I have to do something, and I know that my problem is that I think too much. It's a hard habit to break." he confessed. "I'll keep it in mind."

"Okay. Talk to them? They know how this works, better than I do..." Nathan trailed off, his jaw clenching and his eyes moving away from Haroun. "My advice as a telepath isn't worth very much," he said hoarsely, making an aimless gesture with one hand and nearly dropping the water glass.

Haroun frowned at that. "Why not?" he asked, finishing off his water and taking Nate's glass from him before he dropped it. He knew that it was perfectly safe to drink but he set it aside anyway. No point in taking chances. "You offline?"

"No. Just... you don't ask a crazy man for his advice on a psychological problem, do you? Telepathy doesn't mean insight. Sometimes we're the blindest of anyone."

"They finally certified your ass, eh?" he said with a grin. "Pity. When do they put the padding on the walls for you?"

"I wasn't making a joke. Why are you always turning things like that into a joke?" Nathan looked away from Haroun's grin. "You kept pointing out that I was a telepath. Over and over. 'Easy for you to say, telepath'. You think it makes any more sense because I hear what people are thinking? It's just noise, Haroun. Noise outside my shields and nothing inside, and I'm supposed to find answers for people out of that?"

"Least you have that much of an edge." he said stridently. "You can see the whole thought-chain from soup to nuts. See stuff in my head that I don't even know about. Don't try to push this off like it's some useless thing you drag around just for shits and giggles." he said heatedly.

"It doesn't help to see it when I can't feel it," Nathan said, and then wished that he hadn't. "This is back to the same old song, isn't it?" he asked restlessly, the words spilling over each other again. "Envy the psi for all the wonderful advantages the power brings..."

Haroun was intrigued by his friend's slip, but he let it pass for now. It was probably nothing anyway. "Hard not to when you folks pull miracles out of your ass with amazing regularity." he grumbled. "All I do - used to do - is fly."

"Miracles. Right. I can't remember the last miracle I pulled, Haroun. Maybe it's the constant brain-spraining." Nathan reached out and took his water glass back. He needed the moment to compose himself more than he really needed the sip of water.

Haroun really didn't want to get into this tonight, not with Nate, and not like this. "I've been talking to Charles." he said abruptly. "Talking about the dreams, about my problems."

"That's good. He's the best person to talk to these things about. Exception to the rule about telepaths not being able to do anything with what they see. Probably because of the psychology degree..."

"So what's stopping you from getting one, lawyer boy?" he joked, and then wished he could pull it back. "Nevermind. Not fair to you." he said heavily. " I hate all this talking shit, but I'm too fucked up about it to just do anything." he growled.

"Sometimes you have to talk. When there's no other choice," Nathan said, ignoring the sudden butterflies in his stomach. He'd have another session with Jack soon, his first since Africa and the Hellfire Club. Oh, wouldn't that be fun. "It's really not as bad as it seems. You get used to it."

Haroun growled. "Such a glowing endorsement. I'll get _used to it_? Fuck, you make it sound like it's a wart or an old scar acting up. I'll get used to it. Hrmph!" he said.

"Necessary things don't have to be enjoyable. I..." Nathan paused, gave Haroun a slightly glassy-eyed smile. "Used to break down on a regular basis in my sessions. That really did wonderful things for my fear of showing weakness, let me tell you."

"I'm sure." he said. "So far I've managed to avoid that." he said, although inside his head it was a close thing indeed.

"The thing is, the only person who ever sees what happens is the person you're talking to. The whole confidentiality thing. So pride's not as significant an issue as you might think." He was talking too much. But at least it filled the silence. "Except in your head, but at least that's a solitary thing."

Haroun shot Nate a disgusted look. "Maybe it is a private thing in my head, maybe it isn't." he countered.

Nathan stared at him for a long moment, words refusing to come. "Is it envy or is it fear?" he finally said. "Either we're miracle-workers or we're snoops. I've got to tell you, the extremes are pretty exhausting, Haroun. Living up or down to the expectations. Saint or spider."

Haroun shrugged. "There is good and evil in all men. Saint and spider, as you put it. You've pulled stuff out of my head before that I didn't want you to see." he reminded Nate uncharitably.

"Thanks," Nathan said after a moment. "Case in point."

Haroun exhaled. Nate was in his High Priest mode, there was no dealing with him when he got like this. Reason rolled off him like water off a duck's back. He scratched his head idly and toyed with his now-empty waterglass. "You don't want to hear it, but there it is." he said after a long moment. "Lot of that going around lately."

"You were the one who came to me asking me to 'fix' you. We're tolerated when we're useful, is that it? And the rest of the time we can't be trusted to stay out of your head."

"You got a messiah streak a mile wide, and if that means cracking open some skulls - well, I don't think I've ever seen you hesitate on that score." he said. Sighing, he stood up. "I really am not interested in rehashing the same thing over and over again. You already know what I'll say, and how I'll react to what you say."

"Right. Because I've got it all figured, and that's why I'm doing such a damned good job talking to people these days. I ought to hang out my shingle and put my own therapist out of business. Sure." Nathan stood up all at once, grabbing both glasses and taking them into the kitchen. He dropped them into the sink and winced as one of them broke. "Damn it!"

"Lot of that going around too." he said with a very, very thin smile. "Seems you've got it under control, though." He then withdrew his head from Nate's suite and started to head back to his own. Maybe he'd try again when Nate was a little more accessable.