LOG: Nathan and Haroun - A Quiet Moment for Reflection

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After the ceremony, Nathan ducks out to get some air and to try to clear his head. Haroun tags along to keep an eye on his friend.



Gray. The sea, the sky, the rocky beach, all of it was gray. Nathan picked his way between the rocks, remembering doing the same with GW that night after Christmas. That had been a good night. His expression numb, he moved doggedly onwardly, ignoring the bite of the wind.

Haroun tagged along after his friend, having put himself on Keep Nate Company patrol. "Hey." he said quietly, but just loud enough so Nate could hear him over the wind and surf. "You OK?"

Nathan shrugged. "Just needed some air," he said, not looking back over his shoulder, but slowing a little so that Haroun could catch up if he wanted. "The castle was getting a little stifling."

Haroun wasn't much inclined to contest the point. "Can't blame you." he said. "We're all going to miss him, you know."

Nathan's jaw clenched, and his eyes shifted to the water, then back to the uneven ground. "The Pack's going to stay here for now," he said. "It's the most secure place that's not the mansion. And Moira insisted."

Haroun nodded. "Review security procedures, if nothing else." he said. "I hate funerals." he said abruptly.

"This is the first one I've ever been to," Nathan said, surprisingly. He shrugged again. "Can't really count Mick and Tim's, even if I watched over the link."

"Last funeral I went to - not counting the ones I've attended here - was when they put the Hellions into the ground. There wasn't even enough corpses left to have an open-casket funeral." he said bitterly. "Cut down like dogs, just like your friend."

"Like dogs," Nathan echoed, his voice empty. A particularly energetic wave crashed higher up on the shore. Nathan didn't even flinch at the cold spray. "Let's not reminisce. I don't think that'll lead anywhere good."

Haroun winced. "Yeah, let's not go there. Because we'll both get depressed and the ocean's right there and nobody needs to be fishing our asses out of the drink at this hour."

Nathan slid his hands into the pockets of his coat as they walked. "I forgot my gloves," he said, then was silent again for a long moment. "I also think Moira might have slipped something into my coffee tonight," he finally said. "I'm feeling very calm." Or maybe it was just shock. Still.

"Well, if you start freaking out there's not much we can do to stop you other than go for the knockout before you pull the isle apart." Haroun pointed out. "It's surprisingly peaceful out here. Just us and Nature."

"He and I took a walk out here one night, after Christmas," Nathan said, not bothering to identify the 'he'. "We'd just come from Billie's pub. Walking off the Scotch." Nathan slowed, recognizing the large, flat-topped boulder to their left. He levitated off the ground smoothly and over to the rock. "'We can't all fly,'" he murmured, remembering GW's words.

"No, we can't." Haroun agreed quietly, climbing up over the rocks to join Nate atop the slab. "Be a dull world if we were all alike."

"I think," Nathan said, staring blindly out at the North Sea, "he killed him because he was human. I think that was it, in the end."

"Maybe," Haroun said diplomatically. Personally, he thought that GW died because Gideon knew that losing GW would really fuck Nate up. Bastard of a thing was, he was right.

"You're not getting me," Nathan said after a moment. His shields were raw and uncertain, and he'd picked up on Haroun's thought easily. "I know he died because of me. But Gideon... my uncle," Nathan amended, not sparing himself anything, "picked him because he was human. Not human like Moira, who has good genes to recommend her. Just human. Nothing special. He wouldn't..." Nathan closed his eyes against the sudden burning in them, and as he went on his voice was thick. "He wouldn't... waste someone he thought meant anything, just to get to me."

Haroun sighed. Dammit, he needed to work shielding. "Because he was expendable. Like, what, 90% of humanity?"

"Yeah." Nathan opened his eyes again, managed a wan smile. "Great family I have, huh? I wonder if the insanity is genetic. I might have a problem here..."

"I doubt it." he said. "I really think you don't have anything to fear on that score." he added with conviction.

"No, probably not. You can only dehumanize people if you've never been the one being dehumanized." Nathan swallowed past the tightness in his throat. "At least that's what I always believed. Suppose there are a lot of psychologists who'd disagree."

"Look. You've demonstrated time and time again that despite some rather extreme provocation that you don't hate normals," Haroun said urgently. "You have enough shit in your life. Let this one go. You're not like that, and I doubt very much you ever will be."

Nathan pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead, struggling to hold it together even as he felt his tenuous composure start to fracture, if sluggishly. He was really starting to think there had been something in that coffee. Would Moira have done that? Was he scaring her enough for her to have done that?

"He wants me to be like that," he said numbly. "He knew what he was doing. And you're right, but I can't kill him, because that accomplishes the same thing. I can't get out of this." He gave a tiny, cracked laugh. "I'd chew off my own foot to get out of the trap if I could, but he's got me cornered. Either way, he wins."

"You're making a mistake, though. You're overlooking one important weapon in your arsenal." Haroun said. "You're not alone. And never have been."

It should have been more comforting than it was. But all he could think about as he tried to think about the fact that he wasn't alone, was that each and every single person he cared about was a target. A potential pawn. "You know what this feels like?" he asked raggedly. "Like the first year after I left Mistra. Hooking up with GW and Dom, and wondering every moment if they'd take them from me, too."

"But if you isolate yourself, you'll be making yourself profoundly vulnerable," Haroun pointed out calmly. "And I know exactly how that feels. After I left the States the first time and went back home, started doing the terrorist thing." he said. "I had just lost everyone who meant a damn to me, and I didn't want to reach out. Didn't want to live. Took me a long time to shake out of that, and I didn't have homicidal relatives gunning for me. So yeah, I understand you."

"I wish he would just gun for me," Nathan said almost violently. "You have no idea how much I wish that."

Haroun shrugged. "Life's a gigantic bitch, what can I say? Makes Paradise that much sweeter."

The waves crashed against the rocks again, splashing them both. Nathan, again, didn't flinch. "He loved it here," he muttered thickly. "He never wanted to leave. And now he won't."

Haroun, not trusting his voice, let his tears wash the salt spray from his face. "Be heading back to Westchester tomorrow." he said quietly. "Rest in peace, GW. You were loved. Look down from Paradise and smile upon us all." he said in Arabic.

Nathan's jaw clenched again, almost spasmodically, and he half-raised a hand, as if in protest - but floated back to the beach instead. "I've got to go back. Check on Lien," he said roughly. "She's still not saying anything."

Haroun nodded. "Take care of her, Nate." he added, then turned to start the climb back to the manor house.