Kyle and Nate, Arlington Cemetery

[x-wildchild.livejournal.com]

Nate takes Kyle down to the memorial at Arlington Cemetery. Survivors guilt, deserving to live, old memories and friends, conspiracy theories and hope for the future are discussed.



The weather in Washington DC was just wrong, by Kyle's way of thinking. It should've been colder, or greyer, or more still. A pale blue winter sky, sunshine, and wind that rattled the trees seemed grossly inappropiate. It was the kind of day to run around outside, to throw Forge into a pile of leaves, or to chase chittering squirrels with Catseye. Not to walk through a cemetery full of rows and rows of practically identical gravemarkers. Nate obviously knew where he was going, so Kyle just followed, half-opening his mouth to talk something every few seconds and then snapping it closed before he said something he knew would be stupid.

Nathan glanced over his shoulder at Kyle every so often, more than a little disturbed by the silence - or the self-censorship, rather. "We're not in a church, you know," he said gently, slowing so that Kyle would walk beside him, rather than behind him. "You don't need to keep quiet."

"I wasn't ever good at staying quiet in church.." Kyle answered solemnly. "I just don't wanna say anything dumb. I'm pretty good at that." He shrugged, and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket."It just doesn't feel entirely right to be all chatterboxy here, you know?"

Nathan nodded. "I know. Just so long as you're being quiet because you're just trying to be respectful," he said with a faint, fond smile. "It's not too much farther," he said, turning his attention to just where they were in the cemetery. "You know, the last time I was here, it was to see the President?"

"Dude, really? You met the President?" Kyle asked, remembering at the last moment to speak quietly."That's kinda awesome, even if it was in a cemetery." He looked around at the grounds, all the gravestones in tidy, ordered rows. "This is kinda public for a memorial, isn't it? I mean, we just walked right in..."

"It's not a very public memorial," Nathan said, the slight smile turning a little sad. "You need to know where to look. And you need the tools to listen." As they approached the right row, he reached into the bag he was carrying and pulled out the small portable stereo.

Intensly curious, Kyle just watched silently as Nate set the player down and turned it on. At first, he was startled; he hadn't been sure what to expect, but a steady voice listing names wasn't it. He stood starkly still, stunned by the recital of names that he didn't know, couldn't have known, and could have easily been one of."That's a lot... lot of names. The kids who died, they're in that list too?"

"All of them," Nathan affirmed quietly. "The kids, the operatives... the ones who made it through the conditioning and the ones who didn't." He took a deep, slightly unsteady breath. "The ones who died on Youra, too." He paused, giving Kyle a long look. "That was where it all happened last March," he said very softly. "In the Greek Islands. I remember it was beautiful, even when people started to die."

Kyle shook his head."It's...I feel crappy, because all these people are dead, and I'm not and I could've been, you know? I mean, it's not that much that kept me from being on that list. Just some genes and the fact that I don't like bein' ordered around."He shrugged, and ran a hand through his hair. "And then I feel worse cause it shouldn't be all about me, I'm not the one whose parents or family is missing them.."

"It's called survivor's guilt," Nathan said, "but Leonard's probably told you that." He listened to the names, a flash of pain crossing his face as Mick's came and went. "Maybe there's not much that kept you from being one of these names, Kyle, but is that a reason to feel crappy? If you'd been one of these names, you'd have been one more piece of the tragedy."

"Yeah, Doc Samson said it was totally normal, and that I shouldn't feel like I was being all emo or whatever."Kyle answered. "Well, first I had to explain what emo meant." He watched the sky for a bit, and then Nate, catching the expressions on his face change."I dunno, I just.. I'm kind of a mess, you know? Lots of other people better than me are dead, and..I don't feel like maybe I'm the one who should be standing here. I mean, I'm just a guy."

"Better than you by whose estimation?" Nathan said. Part of him was still listening to the names. Recognizing more than he didn't. "Kyle, you're not 'just a guy'. You've hardly had a chance to live yet. Having it taken away wouldn't have been fair. Just because other people did doesn't make the fact that you survived not fair to them."

"Yeah, but telling myself that doesn't make me feel less like somebody else living might've not been such a screw-up." Kyle shoved his hands back in his pockets and stared down at the ground. "And then I feel stupid for thinking that, because I should be all like, Yay, I'm alive and I will survive and all that."

"You're not a screw-up," Nathan said steadily, perhaps a little forcefully. "You have friends. You're in school. You're almost sixteen years old and you're living the life you should be." He glanced back down at the stone. "I can't speak for the kids that died," he said softly, "but people like Tim and Mick would be so happy to see you now, Kyle."

"Yeah, that'd be why I'm feeling stupid." Kyle said plainly."I know it's dumb, but knowing it isn't helping me feel less bad, or less dumb, but I guess that's why I still talk to Doc Samson, because less with the bad and the dumb would be good. Also less with the totally pissed off, I think, but he said it was okay to be angry."

'Garry, Megan,' the voice on the radio said, and Nathan's eyes went wide. He knelt down beside the stone, his mouth opening and closing for a moment, words briefly failing him. "Meggie," he said softly, his eyes suspiciously bright. "Oh. I didn't wait long enough, the last night..."

"Nate?" Kyle said quietly. "You okay?" He had no idea who Nate was talking about, but he recognized when someone was upset well enough. "Who is Megan Garry? Was she somebody else you knew?"Stupid question, he realized after he said it. Nate wouldn't be upset if it was someone he didn't know.

Nathan swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment, telling himself that this was about helping Kyle, this visit. Then again... his eyes opened again, sharpening as he looked up at the boy. "Meggie and I were in the same training group," he said quietly. "We were in the cells next to one another. We talked through the ventilation shaft, for weeks..."

"What happened?"Kyle asked.The story couldn't end well, he knew it, but he was curious anyway. He hadn't gotten ventilation shafts. It had been the first thing he'd checked for, after waking up and throwing up for an hour."

"She died," Nathan said very softly. "They brought her back after a conditioning session. I heard her crying. Then she just... closed her eyes and died." He raised a hand, brushing away the stray tears. "She was fourteen, like I was. I never even knew what her mutation was. I never saw her."

Kyle couldn't imagine Nate at fourteen. He had a hard time imagining Nate as anything but adult Nate, in fact."So, if it's not my fault and I don't get to feel guilty, than you don't too, right?"He said dryly."I mean, just making sure..."

"I'm not feeling guilty about her," Nathan said with a brief sigh, rubbing at his eyes again. "You can feel sad without feeling guilty, Kyle. Think about it for a second."

"Easier said than done..." Kyle protested."I know all this, I just can't make myself do it... Not like I'm not trying though. And I guess knowing I shouldn't be feeling all guilty is probably the first thing I should do, right?"

"There's no schedule for any of this. Nothing that you should be feeling at specific times," Nathan said, getting up slowly. He didn't make a move towards the radio. He wanted to hear more. "Sometimes you have to go through it however long it takes. It took me six months after Youra to forgive myself for not dying in that hallway with Mick and Tim and the others."

"See, that would've sucked. You have a baby and Doc Moira and the X-men thing, so no being dead." Kyle scolded. "And I know I'm totally being a hypocrite. I'm allowed." He shrugged again."I just don't like waiting for stuff to get better. I'm all impatient. I think it's part of the whole can't sit still thing."

"So long as you remember that there is another side of all of this," Nathan said, and a look of real pain crossed his face. "A light at the end of the tunnel," he said with a sigh. "I know that sounds like a cliche. But it's true."

"As long as it's not the train coming for me, I'm good."Kyle said, trying to hide a grin he knew was entirely inappropiate behind a shake of his head."I just don't like waiting. Not much I can do about the waiting, but I don't have to like it."

"Typical feral," Nathan said with a faint chuckle, then stared at the radio. 'Martin, Peter,' it said. 'Morgan, Timothy.' "It makes me angry sometimes," he said quietly. "Still. But if you hold onto that anger, it gets in the way of living. And we both have an awful lot to live for, you know."

"Yeah, I'm kinda working on that part too.."Kyle said. "I'm ... pretty good at letting out anger. Just not so good at the letting it out in ways that don't, you know, totally bruise up my hands."

"I write poetry," Nathan said. Kyle was giving him an odd look. "No, really."

"Jay does that. " Kyle offered."I'm really godawful at it. And if you ever tell him I tried I'm gonna be cranky. I have, you know, some kind of reputation as not a total wuss."He grinned, and shook some of the hair away from his face."Doc Samson said that the gym wasn't a bad way to work out the anger, I just need to not keep doing it until I get hurt."

"I know the temptation to push things that far,"Nathan said with a sigh. "Believe me, I do. But yes, Leonard's right - you need to watch it. Your healing factor doesn't always like working that hard." He reached out and, after a long pause, turned off the radio. "So you know, now, that this is here," he said, putting the radio back in the bag. "It's a specific frequency. I'll give it to you if you want."

"Yeah, Doc Moira said it could have a ... "Kyle frowned, trying to remember the phrase she'd used.."Diminshing returns effect, or, um, the opposite. It could start getting more powerful, but have worse side effects and make it even harder to sit still and calm down." He nodded at the offer."That'd be cool. It only works here though, right? Like a little pirate radio station just right here?"

"Only right here," Nathan confirmed softly. "And only on a very specific frequency. People might pick up on it by chance - I think that was what the President was hoping. That they would,and it would turn into a mystery..." He smiled a bit, sadly. "At leastit is here."

Kyle cracked a grin."Big conspiracy theory on the internet with web pages and stuff? Man, I wouldn't be surprised if Forge or Ramsey got in on that. Or knew about it the minute it started anyway."He thought about it for a moment and then quieted."Seriously though? It's kind of cool. I mean, if that happened, it'd mean more people might know something, and the more people who know, the less change it could happen again, right?"

Nathan nodded slowly as they started back down the row of tombstones. "That's what worries me. This President isn't going to let it happen again under his watch - I believe him when he says that. But what about when he's gone? And in other places, like Africa, it's still happening."

"Isn't that what you guys are trying to prevent with the whole X thing?" Kyle asked."I mean, that's kind of the idea, right?" He'd caught bits and pieces of some of what they'd gone to do from classmates, from being shooed off the basketball court, from just watching his teachers come in slightly bruised or singed."Rumor has it you guys do a lot of that whole preventing any more of stuff like Mistra..."

"We do. But there's a whole world out there, Kyle, and there's only a few of us." Nathan chuckled a little. "We do our best," he said, "but there's always more that needs doing. Always more that could be done... and we don't have eyes everywhere, unfortunately enough."

Kyle shrugged."Which is why you guys get people to help. I mean, Ramsey does your techie computer stuff, and Forge builds you stuff, and Doc Moira and Doctor Grey and Doctor Voight do the doctoring, and you get more people all the time."He paused, and looked at Nate. "Right? I mean, I joke about sleeping in history, because, yo, it is boring, but I do the reading anyway. This stuff starts up small and gets bigger."

"That's the hope," Nathan said, reminding himself that Kyle needed a little encouragement. "By the time you're my age, who knows what the 'X stuff' will be like? How many of us there'll be..."

"Hey, by the time I'm old enough to think about it, it could be like, huge. I mean, that's what, two years?" Kyle said carefully. "Not that I'm thinking about it, I mean, I've got high school to finish and... um... "He looked off towards the trees sheepishly."I'm protesting too much, right?"

"Just a little," Nathan said, and after a moment, put an arm around Kyle's shoulders. "Then again, look at your role models."