Amanda - late Friday night
Jul. 1st, 2006 01:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xp_daytripper posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_logsStorming out after this unfortunate thread, Amanda finds herself mulling things over in a punk club.
"Another Coke?"
"Why not? I could be really wild and ask you for a curly straw."
The bartender snorted. "You sure you don't want anything stronger? Your ID must be decent enough to have got you in here."
Amanda shook her head. "A world of no," she told him. It sounded like a quote from somewhere but she couldn't remember where. Her addiction counsellor would be so proud, tho'. When you _need_ to have a drink, that's the last thing you should do. With a shrug the bartender set another drink in front of her and she sipped at it morosely, waving him off as he tried to give her the change.
Up on the stage a new band was setting up. Five angry young men in the requisite black and piercings. Not that she was much better, having grabbed her Union Jack t-shirt and a pair of ripped black jeans once she'd decided she'd just go out, to hell with anyone who might have wanted to go to. She'd been too angry, too frustrated to bother asking in the end. And it wasn't like anyone except Sarah would come to a punk club. The only punk club she knew, actually. The one Manuel had brought her to on her seventeenth birthday.
Oh, that was so not a memory to make her feel better.
Her hands tightened on the glass for a moment, the frown deepening. You managed to pull off a miracle at, possibly, the cost of your soul. That was what Lorna had said, what she believed. That Amanda could be soulless, like the demons of Limbo. And maybe she was. What she'd done to Manuel was hardly the act of a human being after all. Even before she'd torn the link out. They'd caused deaths in Germany and she hadn't even batted an eye. But weren't some deaths deserved?
She wasn't sure she knew the answer. If she ever had - hadn't she told Kurt that very same thing, that she was afraid of crossing the line and never even realising it? Had she crossed the line with Sofia, with Lorna tonight? Would everyone else read what Lorna had said and agree?
Would Remy?
A discordant wail of chords from the stage told her the band had finished setting up and were ready to start. As she glanced up, the lead guitarist caught her eye and grinned cockily. "This first one's a cover - we don't do 'em much but fuck it, we're the band and we get to play what we like." There was scattered cheering and catcalls - typical punk crowd. "This one's for jolly old England, where everything began."
Amanda rolled her eyes slightly. 'London Calling', probably. Or 'God Save The Queen'. And then the song began, rapid-fire guitar and an actual recognisable tune. And then when the introduction was over, the lead guitarist's voice, which was actually pretty decent:
"You spurn my natural emotions, you make me feel like dirt, and I'm hurt..."
It had to be a fit-up. It had to be. Only it wasn't - the magic was gone but the coincidences weren't and here was another, sitting in the club Manuel had brought her to, listening to a band play an actual half-decent cover of the song that seemed to sum up that relationship.
"And If I start a commotion, I run the risk of losing you, and that's worse..."
She'd loved Manuel. Any number of people doubted that, after what she'd done, but she had. Too much, perhaps - it had clouded her judgement and stopped her from realising how dangerous the relationship was to both of them until it was far, far too late. Until she'd felt trapped and frustrated and helpless in the face of his need, his expectations. His love. And feeling trapped, she'd lashed out, hurt him so terribly she doubted he'd ever recover.
Yeah, real caring thing to do, that.
"Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love in love with someone? Ever fallen in love? In love with someone, You shouldn't of fallen in love with?"
She loved Remy. Not that way, not since that night before he'd gone to Florida, but if she had to find a word to describe how she felt about him, 'love' was the best she could come up with. At least until they invented a new word to cover their relationship. She loved him and she was terrified for him, terrified of what Lorna would do. The X-Man didn't need to throw Remy out of a window to hurt him - all she had to do was use words. And there was nothing Amanda could do to stop it. Even if there was, she wouldn't. Remy wouldn't forgive her and that was one relationship she couldn't stand to lose.
Except maybe she had. That fight on her journal... would it finally push him too far? They hadn't spoken about what she'd said to Lorna at the school, just carefully shifted around the knowledge that they both knew it had happened until they were in territory that was safe. Nazis, mutant DNA sold on the black market, world-killing viruses. What a fucked-up world she lived in when those were 'safe' topics. What had been said in her journal... it was written down, made permanent, for all to see. No mistakes, no versions. And he'd see it, she knew he would. Probably had the minute they were written. Would it push him to choose? How could either of them - herself of Lorna - claim to love him and put him in the middle of their shite?
"I can't see much of the future, unless we find out whats to blame. What a shame. And we won't be together much longer, unless we realize that we are the same..."
She wasn't going to cry in a bar, for fuck's sake. Especially not this one. Especially not now. She was better than this, better than whatever petty barbs Lorna could throw at her. Better than the snotty shrink who projected that aura of superiority at them and suggested so snidely that she could always quit the job she loved. Better than her own stupidly childish temper tantrums. What had Jennie said? That she was damn pathetic? Was that what she wanted for herself, for this supposed new life of hers? To let others drive her reactions and her feelings when that was half the fucking problem in the first place?
Trapped and frustrated and helpless and lashing out because of it. Oh, that was familiar, it really was. Tante would be letting her have what for right now.
"Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone? Ever fallen in love? In love with someone, You shouldn't of fallen in love with?"
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Finishing her Coke, Amanda pushed herself off the stool and shoved her way into the middle of the crowd in front of the stage. No-one minded, no-one cared, hell no-one probably even noticed. The speakers were blaring so loud the bass reverberated through her chest, the crush of bodies around her flailing around with abandon and yet in time with the beat. The faces she could see held joy, excitement, anger, passion, enjoyment, but above all things they were alive, alive and living it to the hilt, revelling in the moment. It was an energy Amanda could feel, almost see and something in her released then. Life, energy, power... it was one and the same and this place was full of it and she rode it like a wave, giving back as much as she took in.
Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't of fallen in love with?
Let it all go, something in her said and she did, letting the blocks on her mutation go and giving herself up to the moment.
"Another Coke?"
"Why not? I could be really wild and ask you for a curly straw."
The bartender snorted. "You sure you don't want anything stronger? Your ID must be decent enough to have got you in here."
Amanda shook her head. "A world of no," she told him. It sounded like a quote from somewhere but she couldn't remember where. Her addiction counsellor would be so proud, tho'. When you _need_ to have a drink, that's the last thing you should do. With a shrug the bartender set another drink in front of her and she sipped at it morosely, waving him off as he tried to give her the change.
Up on the stage a new band was setting up. Five angry young men in the requisite black and piercings. Not that she was much better, having grabbed her Union Jack t-shirt and a pair of ripped black jeans once she'd decided she'd just go out, to hell with anyone who might have wanted to go to. She'd been too angry, too frustrated to bother asking in the end. And it wasn't like anyone except Sarah would come to a punk club. The only punk club she knew, actually. The one Manuel had brought her to on her seventeenth birthday.
Oh, that was so not a memory to make her feel better.
Her hands tightened on the glass for a moment, the frown deepening. You managed to pull off a miracle at, possibly, the cost of your soul. That was what Lorna had said, what she believed. That Amanda could be soulless, like the demons of Limbo. And maybe she was. What she'd done to Manuel was hardly the act of a human being after all. Even before she'd torn the link out. They'd caused deaths in Germany and she hadn't even batted an eye. But weren't some deaths deserved?
She wasn't sure she knew the answer. If she ever had - hadn't she told Kurt that very same thing, that she was afraid of crossing the line and never even realising it? Had she crossed the line with Sofia, with Lorna tonight? Would everyone else read what Lorna had said and agree?
Would Remy?
A discordant wail of chords from the stage told her the band had finished setting up and were ready to start. As she glanced up, the lead guitarist caught her eye and grinned cockily. "This first one's a cover - we don't do 'em much but fuck it, we're the band and we get to play what we like." There was scattered cheering and catcalls - typical punk crowd. "This one's for jolly old England, where everything began."
Amanda rolled her eyes slightly. 'London Calling', probably. Or 'God Save The Queen'. And then the song began, rapid-fire guitar and an actual recognisable tune. And then when the introduction was over, the lead guitarist's voice, which was actually pretty decent:
"You spurn my natural emotions, you make me feel like dirt, and I'm hurt..."
It had to be a fit-up. It had to be. Only it wasn't - the magic was gone but the coincidences weren't and here was another, sitting in the club Manuel had brought her to, listening to a band play an actual half-decent cover of the song that seemed to sum up that relationship.
"And If I start a commotion, I run the risk of losing you, and that's worse..."
She'd loved Manuel. Any number of people doubted that, after what she'd done, but she had. Too much, perhaps - it had clouded her judgement and stopped her from realising how dangerous the relationship was to both of them until it was far, far too late. Until she'd felt trapped and frustrated and helpless in the face of his need, his expectations. His love. And feeling trapped, she'd lashed out, hurt him so terribly she doubted he'd ever recover.
Yeah, real caring thing to do, that.
"Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love in love with someone? Ever fallen in love? In love with someone, You shouldn't of fallen in love with?"
She loved Remy. Not that way, not since that night before he'd gone to Florida, but if she had to find a word to describe how she felt about him, 'love' was the best she could come up with. At least until they invented a new word to cover their relationship. She loved him and she was terrified for him, terrified of what Lorna would do. The X-Man didn't need to throw Remy out of a window to hurt him - all she had to do was use words. And there was nothing Amanda could do to stop it. Even if there was, she wouldn't. Remy wouldn't forgive her and that was one relationship she couldn't stand to lose.
Except maybe she had. That fight on her journal... would it finally push him too far? They hadn't spoken about what she'd said to Lorna at the school, just carefully shifted around the knowledge that they both knew it had happened until they were in territory that was safe. Nazis, mutant DNA sold on the black market, world-killing viruses. What a fucked-up world she lived in when those were 'safe' topics. What had been said in her journal... it was written down, made permanent, for all to see. No mistakes, no versions. And he'd see it, she knew he would. Probably had the minute they were written. Would it push him to choose? How could either of them - herself of Lorna - claim to love him and put him in the middle of their shite?
"I can't see much of the future, unless we find out whats to blame. What a shame. And we won't be together much longer, unless we realize that we are the same..."
She wasn't going to cry in a bar, for fuck's sake. Especially not this one. Especially not now. She was better than this, better than whatever petty barbs Lorna could throw at her. Better than the snotty shrink who projected that aura of superiority at them and suggested so snidely that she could always quit the job she loved. Better than her own stupidly childish temper tantrums. What had Jennie said? That she was damn pathetic? Was that what she wanted for herself, for this supposed new life of hers? To let others drive her reactions and her feelings when that was half the fucking problem in the first place?
Trapped and frustrated and helpless and lashing out because of it. Oh, that was familiar, it really was. Tante would be letting her have what for right now.
"Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone? Ever fallen in love? In love with someone, You shouldn't of fallen in love with?"
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Finishing her Coke, Amanda pushed herself off the stool and shoved her way into the middle of the crowd in front of the stage. No-one minded, no-one cared, hell no-one probably even noticed. The speakers were blaring so loud the bass reverberated through her chest, the crush of bodies around her flailing around with abandon and yet in time with the beat. The faces she could see held joy, excitement, anger, passion, enjoyment, but above all things they were alive, alive and living it to the hilt, revelling in the moment. It was an energy Amanda could feel, almost see and something in her released then. Life, energy, power... it was one and the same and this place was full of it and she rode it like a wave, giving back as much as she took in.
Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't of fallen in love with?
Let it all go, something in her said and she did, letting the blocks on her mutation go and giving herself up to the moment.
