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[x-traitor.livejournal.com]

Backdated. Terry is feeling useless. Tommy tries to cheer her up but the conversation takes a typically disastrous turn when it comes to what Tommy plans to do with his life.




Terry listlessly flipped channels on the new plasma screen in the rec room, never lingering for more than a moment or two no matter what was on. Her hair was still damp from her shower after swimming with the younger girls--they'd hijacked Karolina while they were on their way down to the pool--and she'd twisted it into a long braid that was pulled over her shoulder. It was her second shower today, the first coming after a particularly grueling DR session at the crack of dawn, and wouldn't be the last. She had her regular workout just before bed. Like every other day, though, the afternoon dragged on endlessly and she was ready to scream from the inactivity.


Tommy's hair was also wet, having also just taken a shower after his afternoon run around the grounds. Usually, he stayed in his room after that, but he realized he had left his water bottle outside and had gone to retrieve it. It was only by chance that he saw Terry in the rec-room and paused a moment before moving the join her. "Hey."

Terry waved the remote at him without looking away from the television, "Hello, Tommy. Having a good day?" She paused on an international station and a manic looking Mexican man babbled enthusiastically about...possibly used cars. She looked over, "There's nothing on."


He raised an eyebrow as he walked into the room, moving to stand by the arm of the chair. "So I see. I can tell your heartbroken."


She shrugged, "It's like this every day. There's never anything on. What are you up to? Anything interesting or useful?" Selfishly, she hoped that he didn't. It would be nice to not be the only person feeling completely worthless right now. That probably made her an awful person.


It was a good thing for her that Tommy felt that way all the time but he just never let it show. He moved to sit beside her on the couch, giving her a concerned look. "Terry, are you alright?" Blunt and to the point.


Terry nodded but looked away, down at her knees instead. Of course he'd be able to tell something was wrong. He wasn't stupid and he wasn't blind. "It's nothing. I haven't anything to do really. There's only so much time in the day that you can play music or go swimming, you know? It's not important."


"Come on, doom and gloom is my thing. It doesn't look good on you." It was amazing how he could open up around Terry and not be so closed off like he was to the rest of the mansion. He took a chance and placed a gloved hand on her knee. "You can tell me, who would believe me if I told them anything?"

"Lots of people. All the ones who didn't know you before for instance." But Terry sighed and shrugged, "Bobby's gone. Team stuff. And Mr. Summers...he's just back from being kidnapped and he's already working again. I guess I'm feeling like...what do I do? How am I making any kind of difference, you know?"

Tommy just snorted in response to that. He didn't believe it but whatever, he could never refuse Terry anything, even an opinion. But as far as her feeling useless, "Come on Terry...you've just finished high school and just started training. You can't expect to be saving the world right out of the gate. Even I knew that with the FOH stuff...I was in training...so I could do more important things later on."

She shrugged again, "That's not really what I mean. It's not just the team. No one here just does one thing. Bobby works full time for Elpis and still is on the team. Most of the team teaches too. I feel like I could be doing more. Not just fighting to stop stuff but going out there and making things better too. I might be just out of high school but Mr. Summers wasn't much older by the time he was leading the team. So what am I doing? Just training and channel flipping."

"They are doing those things because they have found their niche. You just...haven't found it yet." Tommy shrugged. "These things take time, no matter how much you work for it or want it. Trust me..." He reached over and covered one of her hands with his in a comforting gesture. "The waiting sucks, but it'll be worth it. One day, you'll be out there saving the world, one lullaby at a time."

Terry gave him a small grateful smile, "Thanks, Tommy. That's nice of you to say." Didn't really help much right now of course but it was nice to have the vote of confidence. "What about you? Have you figured out what you want to do with your life?"


He knew how she felt, as how many times had his parents told him the same thing when he had been tired of just organizing rallies and such. But he knew the words were nice to hear even if they were worthless, not to mention he would do anything to put a smile on Terry's face. "Me? No, not yet. Though Forge keeps trying to give me ideas. I think he's in love with my powers after I helped him with his car."

"Forge likes anything that he can poke at and make work to his advantage. It'd be creepy if he wasn't kinda cute." Terry said with a half-laugh. "Do you still want to do activist stuff? Not the Friends stuff but...like Red Cross or anything? There's a lot out there that you can do to change the world."

At the suggestion, Tommy grew very quiet. "It's the only thing I know how to do. But at the same time...I don't know if I can."

"Do you want to do it?" Terry asked again, shifting slightly to face him. She propped her hand on her chin, the gemstone in her ring flashing green as it caught the light. "Because if you don't want to do it, then you don't have to."

He couldn't look at her, unable to show even her the weakness in his expression. "It's not about wanting. It's never been about wanting. It's what I am. No matter what I do, it's what I was raised to be." How could he explain how much of a traitor he felt, to both sides...to any cause.

"Aye and I was raised a thief and a not a bit of a troublemaker. Are you saying that I should go find Magneto and have him take me in because I'm destined to go bad anyway?" She poked him in the side. "You've got lots of time to change to be who you want to, no matter how you were raised. Ask anyone here."

Tommy shook his head. "You don't understand. They choose me to train that way because they knew it was what I would be good at...that I would put my whole self behind it. That I would make it my life. And that's exactly what I did. The people who pick out their future replacements...they aren't stupid. It's how they mange to brainwash people..." He snorted softly. "But they didn't brainwash me. I walked in like a puppy wanting a master. The activist stuff...it's what I am. But...I will never find a cause."

"You're an activist without a cause. Not quite as compelling as James Dean but sure and you can make it work for you." Terry shook her head right back at him, "If you're good at leading, TMJ, then do it. There are a lot of new kids here and they could use someone to take them by the hand. You just sit around and mope about how everyone holds what you used to be against you but you're the only one who does."

"Because I'm a traitor, Terry. Those kids deserve better, not me who can't decide whether to hate himself or not." He clenched his fists as he stood up. "Look for your place in the world, not mine."

"Tommy, that's not true!" Terry stood up, head tossed back so she could look him in the face, "It's not being a traitor to be true to who you are or to realise that you were wrong!" She shoved him, not hard, just barely enough to rock him back. "Why are you always so stubborn when I'm right?"

His eyes glittered with inner pain that clearly wasn't new put there. He took a step back to steady himself as he looked down at her. "Who am I then Terry?" The question was rhetorical, asked cruelly more in the hopes of he backing off and letting him walk away. He was not about to have this conversation when he didn't know the answers.

He hated being wrong.

Terry's jaw clenched and her eyes were suspiciously bright, "I don't know, Tommy. You're not the boy I met. You got rid of all the good things about you. Why?"

Shit, Tommy should have known she wouldn't have let him alone, but that's what had attracted him to her in the first place. "I thought there was nothing good about me before." It wasn't a question.

Terry wasn't actually inclined toward violence. She had a terrible temper but it was the sort that lent itself more to shouting than hitting. So she was a little shocked to realise that her arms ached with the need to slap him. "Maybe there wasn't. Maybe I was just deluding myself that you were funny and smart and kind. I didn't know you were so bloody brainwashed that you had a whole personality grafted on."

Tommy stood there glaring at her...and at a loss for words. He was confused, for him confused meant lashing out and he bit his lip to say the first thing that came to mind, forcing himself to take a deep breath instead. After a pause he forced out softly. "Maybe you were. Maybe this is the real TMJ." He didn't mind, he was perfectly content with how he was.

And yet why couldn't he admit she was wrong?

Terry stared horrified and closed her eyes, lashes clumping wetly against her cheeks, "Go away, Tommy. How dare you stand there like you're some sort of a man and say that to me? I'll not let you say that and hurt me any more. Go away!" Her voice was soft but fierce. They always came down to this--and no matter how many times she said she would, Terry couldn't give up.

Tommy was very glad to honor her request, moving quietly past her and out the door. But the quiet of his movement totally opposite the turmoil in his head. Damn Terry...Why did she always do this to him? He was perfectly fine how he was...why did she always make him want to be better? He scoffed at himself. He was being stupid. She was the only one that cared...and he could deal with that.