Kurt and Ororo, Monday

[x-bamf.livejournal.com]

Ororo goes to Kurt's room, worried by his seclusion over the weekend, and they have a fairly intense conversation, during which Kurt is... not himself.



He hadn't left his room more than strictly necessary to eat - and, sometimes, at night, to use his trapeze - since their return from Monaco. Most of that time, he'd spent either kneeling in prayer, desperately trying to find an answer to his doubts, or - as now - standing by the window looking out over the grounds.

It was fairly safe to say Kurt wasn't doing as well as he could be.

Ororo, of course, was aware of the fact that Kurt seemed to be keeping to himself. Though it wasn't exactly her place to question his decision in the matter, she was his friend, and her concern grew as his solitude continued through the weekend. Finally, despite her own reluctance to revisit the subject, she knew it was time to try and talk to him.

"Kurt?" she asked, knocking lightly on the door to his room. "It is Ororo. Are you there?"

His first impulse, as it had been a few months ago, was to teleport away to somewhere safe... but he knew well enough by now that that would only lead to another intervention sooner or later. So, with a quiet sigh, he called out, "The door is open."

"Thank you." Ororo opened the door and stepped inside - her first reaction was suprise at how dark it seemed in the room. There were no lights on, and though the window was open even the natural light seemed reluctant to come any further into the room than it had to. "You have been keeping to yourself," she said, stating the obvious as she made her way over to the sofa. "I have missed seeing you in the greenhouse."

He didn't move away from the window, didn't join her on the sofa as he might once have done, and only half-turned towards her to speak. "I have not felt in the right mood to visit the greenhouse, of late. There is only so far its peace can go."

"Yes... of course. I did not mean to say that you should go where you do not wish to. Only that I have missed you." Ororo curled into the corner of the sofa, looking up at Kurt from where she sat. "In addition to that, I want you to know that I am here to talk, if you wish. It is only fair." After what I have put you through.

"I do know that you and the rest of the team are", he confirmed quietly. But I do not know how much good it would do.

That... didn't sound promising. Ororo frowned, resisting the urge to pull a pillow into her lap like a shield. She had been far too needy lately, and it needed to stop. "Kurt, it does not work to cloister yourself with tormenting thoughts. It does not resolve anything, and often it can make things seem worse than they are. You must look at the positives, now... the students are now where they can receive help. It is the best we could have hoped for."

He whirled on her, at that, voice uncharacteristically harsh when he spoke. "The best we could have hoped for is one former student too badly injured to be moved, two more still in our infirmary and one comatose girl we cannot identify who our student was using as an involuntary bone marrow farm, because it seems we did not teach him any better than that? That is the best we could have hoped for?"

Too shocked at the outburst to do much else, Ororo blinked, trying to keep her composed facade from crumbling. "Considering the situation, there are worse outcomes that could have happened," she said in a carefully controlled voice. "I agree that what happened was... terrible, Kurt, but if we were to blame ourselves for every bad decision made, we might never stop. There is a point when you must realize that we can only do so much... and that in the end, bad things will happen." It sounded so feeble when she said it out loud, despite the fact she had been repeating it to herself for days.

"And do you think I have not reached that point by now?" Kurt asked bitterly, turning away toward the window again. "I know it well enough, after all that has happened. But I still say that is not the best we could have hoped for."

"Then I misspoke. I apologize." Rising from the sofa, Ororo approached him at the window, stopping short of reaching out to touch his arm or shoulder. "I am sorry for everything I have asked of you in this, Kurt," she said softly, her own eyes going to the dreary sky outside. "But you gave everything you could, and there is nothing you could have done differently. No one would say otherwise, and I hope that in time, you will come to agree with it as well."

"You will remember", he said, voice quiet but flat, ignoring the latter half of what she'd said, "that I asked to go with you on the mission to Monaco. And I would have found a way to go even if you had refused me permission."

He wasn't listening. The X-Men were nothing if not single-minded in their purpose, even if it was blaming oneself unnecessarily. "Yes, Kurt, I remember. And it is a demonstration of your dedication and effort... neither of which you can be blamed for."

"Perhaps", Kurt answered, staring at something through the window. "And do you also remember that this is the second time I have... taken such action as I did against Marius?"

"Under orders," Ororo was quick to add. "And out of necessity. It is a terrible thing, Kurt, but I know... I know that your actions protected many innocent people from harm. It does not wash away the stain, but it was his choices and actions that led us into that situation. We could only deal with it as it happened, without time or resources to do anything differently. Would you rather have let him attack Marie again, when she was already injured? Or perhaps one of the medical technicians who helped Jennie or Manuel?"

"I would rather have taken him as far from there as I could within my range", was the answer after a moment. "To a hospital, perhaps, where he could be sedated without violence. Anything but beat him into unconsciousness with a piece of brick." The words were as coldly and brutally spoken as his actions had been, at the time. "And to do it to a second man, for the second time in my life... when I had no orders, the first time, bar my own exhaustion."

"There was no time for that," Ororo sighed, knowing the logic wouldn't help Kurt reconcile his actions. "You are not a monster, Kurt. I cannot stand to see you blaming yourself for these things... things beyond your control. Please, you must realize that is true." Her tone was beseeching, and more than a little unsteady as she reached out to place her fingers on his forearm.

He went very still, looking down at her hand on his arm, but at least he didn't pull away. "Perhaps I am not. Or perhaps I am not yet. But how many times can a man come close to crossing the line, before it is one step too far?"

"As long as you have these thoughts, these doubts, you will never cross the line. You are a good man, Kurt, caring and kind, and you will never be a monster. I know this beyond a doubt."

"I am sure other men have thought the same of themselves. And women besides."

"Yes, well." Ororo didn't have an answer for this; nor could she convince him otherwise when the same nagging doubts ran through her head. "We can only try our best and hope it is enough. And if it is not..." She trailed off, shrugging a bit hopelessly.

"Once upon a time", he said quietly, "I believed that all would work out for the best, even if we could not see it at the time. I find hope a thin substitute, in the place of that."

Ororo's hand tightened momentarily on his arm before she pulled it back; she didn't like hearing these things from Kurt, of all people. "Perhaps you should take a break," she suggested gently. "I know it is a poor substitute for conviction, but... some time and distance may help you see things more clearly."

"No!" he said hastily, looking at her with - for one moment - something like fear in his eyes. "If I do not have this, Ororo... if I do not have this work, this hope, thin as it may be, that I can make things better... then what do I have? The life of a circus acrobat, once again?"

"You are more than this job, more than an acrobat… there are many possibilities open to you, Kurt. But if this is what feels right, despite what troubles you, then I would not tell you to leave it. Just to remember that it is not all that defines you." Now she really felt like a hypocrite.

"I have nowhere else to go", he said quietly. "Nowhere save my family's camp, and life in the circus, and nothing else to do. I am not ready to return to that life."

Ororo opened her mouth to protest, then shut it, realizing he was right. Like herself, and Scott, and so many others at the mansion, there was no 'normal' life waiting for Kurt should he tire of the school and the team. It made sense to stick it out, even with the stress and pain that came with it. "You are always welcome here, Kurt. No matter what," she finally said, giving him a tired smile. "Always."

"I appreciate that", he told her, managing a faint smile of his own. "Always."