Amanda, Lorna - Saturday evening
Oct. 7th, 2006 08:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsFollowing the Russian lesson that wasn't and Monty Python, Amanda is on her way out and runs into the last person she wants to see - Lorna. There's a surprisingly lack of screaming.
Amanda hummed cheerfully as she made her way through the halls to the garage, another Monty Python song - after she and Amara had made Angelo sit and watch "Life of Brian" after their Russian practice as part of ensuring he got some downtime, she had "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" stuck in her head. It suited her mood, tho' - it had been a good day with the students, the lesson had been a lot of fun and there was Remy's birthday party tomorrow, all planned and ready to go. Maybe she could grab Marie-Ange when she got home for hot chocolate and gossip, it had been ages...
Lorna was as she always was these days, in a hurry to get to another task and keep from thinking too deeply. It was a strange kind of avoidance given that she knew she was doing it, but one that had worked thus far to keep her from...something. The world seemed to cooperate mostly and gave her plenty of work without throwing anything she couldn't handle in her face. Yet.
Such thoughts were dangerous and so of course, she rounded the corner, head down and thoughts far away, she had only a half second to avoid bouncing off the smaller figure there. "Oh, geez, I'm..." she started to apologize as she stumbled back, thoughts and steps parallel jumbles. Recognition came slowly. "Amanda." Lorna took a deep breath and looked away, somewhere down the hall. "I'm sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going."
Amanda herself had backed herself up as far into the wall as possible to avoid a collision. When she realised who the green-haired juggernaut was, she couldn't help the groan. So much for the good mood. Still, it had to happen eventually, with the witch visiting the school on a regular basis. "Lorna," she said stiffly. 'No starting a screaming match, no matter how much you want to..., she told herself sternly. Remy wouldn't appreciate it. "Just on my way out."
There was absolutely nothing in the response that should have put Lorna's back up so of course it was stupid of her to be tense. Quite deliberately, she uncurled her fists and slid her them into her pockets. "Uh, sure. Whatever. You all still have the run of the place. Xavier's doesn't throw out practically anyone."
"Some'd say more's the pity." Amanda took in the other woman's deliberately casual stance, and shrugged. "But the kids seems to appreciate someone taking an interest. And they have the chance to get out of the madhouse once a week. So people will just have to get used to seeing my face around regular like." The message was clear: I'm not going anywhere, like it or not. "But I'd better get going. Drive home, check in with the boss lady, make sure Remy's eaten at least once today..."
Lorna had forced a polite interested look until Amanda mentioned Remy. She flinched and looked away again. "How's he doing?" she blurted before she could help herself. Of all the people to ask, Amanda was probably the worst but at the same probably the most likely to give her an honest answer--provided the honest answer hurt more.
"Not great. Backsliding in a big way with the whole thinking he's a monster thing. Trying to bury himself in the job so he doesn't have to feel." Amanda kept her tone even, although she had to dig her nails into her palms to do it. "How else do you think he'd be doing?"
Lorna flinched, "I guess I thought he'd be okay. He was so..." she cut herself off, "Ororo said he was doing all right." Well, no, she'd said he was the same as always. But did always mean that confident, delighted, forceful man Lorna had met in France...or the same as before? "There's no reason for him to think he's a monster. Where is he getting that idea?"
"Well, he's not popping pain pills every five minutes, so there's a degree of all right going on." Amanda shook her head, suddenly exasperated with the woman. How couldn't she know? "The monster thing started again after he got back from New Orleans. And since I have no fucking clue what went on down there besides Gambit's ex-wife turning up, I don't know where he's getting the idea." She made the delineation the same as she always did - in her mind, Remy and Gambit were two different people and always would be. "People deal with rejection in all sorts of funny ways, or that's what the shrinks like to say."
"Frankly, neither do I. I never got an explanation afterwards." She'd been too upset and tired to ask for one, drained from the emotional whiplash of the week. Inside her pockets, Lorna's hands curled back to fists, "But I didn't reject him. Don't you dare insinuate that I did. Christ, you think that after everything that I've been through that's what I couldn't handle? It's not about him. He's better!"
"You don't call telling him you don't want to see him any more not a rejection?" Amanda's contempt was obvious. "'Cause that's what he sure as hell is taking it as, even if he's trying not to. And if you think it was anything else, you've got your head stuck further up your arse than I thought. As for him being better..." The witch shook her head. "You really have no clue about him, if you think everything's all better now. Takes more than a year of living like a human being and a healing spell to put that sort of mess back together."
"Can't! Not don't want to. I can't." Lorna took a deep breath and controlled the distress in her voice. The result was a soft, almost distant tone--the only way to keep from screaming. "Some of us don't get magic spells that make everything better, Amanda. You of all people should know what happens when one half a relationship is screwed up beyond repair. He needs people who love him and won't hurt him. I only qualify on the first half of that."
The softness of the voice, the visible anguish Lorna was controlling probably got through Amanda's anger than anything else. She stared at the other woman, mouth drawn in a thin line. "Then why try?" she asked softly. "I told you, back in New Orleans, that you were going to break him. But you went ahead any way. I could see it wasn't going to work, why else do you think I've given you such a hard time? Remy's one of the most important people in the world to me and I can't help him with this." Her voice broke a little on the last. "I can try, but in the end, I'm just a fucked up kid who messes everything up."
"I can't see the future, Amanda. 8 months ago...I thought it would work. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I thought it was worth fighting for. I couldn't see ahead. I didn't know that I would lose my teacher. I didn't know that my best friends would move across the country. I didn't know about..." Lorna stopped, biting her lip and closed her eyes. She would not lose control in front of Amanda. She just wouldn't. "I tried for 8 months. It's not like this was just a fling for me or that I was just toying with him. If you get a pass for being fucked-up, then so should I. I can't be with him. It would hurt him more in the end if I was."
The witch's face was unreadable, although her hands tightened on her arms, which she'd crossed over her chest. "Fine," she said at last. "You can't be with him. But what happens down the line, when you get your act together? You expecting him to wait for you? Keep him hoping? Because right now, that's what he's doing, even while he's blaming himself. He's hoping if he gives you enough time you'll come back to him." She paused. "He won't give up unless you tell him to. That's what he does. He has faith in the people he loves."
Lorna was quiet for a long time, eyes cast down to the slow scuff of her shoe over the floor. "I don't know." When she spoke at last it was even softer than it had been previously, tired and beaten. "It's not fair of me to expect him to wait. I...don't even know if I want him to. I don't...Remy needs to take care of himself. If that means that he finds someone else," she winced but her voice didn't falter, "then that's what's best for him. I'd rather he were happy. And I can't promise that I'll ever be able to be part of that."
"Then let him go." Amanda spoke without malice or anger, just with a certain pleading. And the memory of a talk outside a hospital room. "You're right, it's not fair to keep him hanging. On either of you." She swallowed her pride adn went on. "You're not my favourite person in the world, Lorna, not by a long shot. But please, just this once, listen to me? Let him go, for both your sakes. Otherwise you'll just keeping tearing each other up, even if you never see each other again."
"I thought I had but if he's... I'll talk to him again. I guess trying to keep it simple wasn't the wrong answer." She thought about Alcatraz. Seeing him bleeding and wanting to go to him, to take care of it. And of holding back because she had no right. "Christ. No wonder you hate me." Lorna shook her head imperceptibly. "I'll talk to him. I...I'll see you around, Amanda."
"You forget - Remy's had nothing even close to a normal relationship in his life. He doesn't get the usual shorthand. Tell straight out. It'll hurt, but at least it'll be done." Amanda uncrossed her arms, hitched her bookbag up on her shoulder. "And I only hate you when I see you dicking people around. Stop doing that and I can probably tolerate you." She shrugged, and turned to keep going down the hall towards the garage. "Later, Dane."
Amanda hummed cheerfully as she made her way through the halls to the garage, another Monty Python song - after she and Amara had made Angelo sit and watch "Life of Brian" after their Russian practice as part of ensuring he got some downtime, she had "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" stuck in her head. It suited her mood, tho' - it had been a good day with the students, the lesson had been a lot of fun and there was Remy's birthday party tomorrow, all planned and ready to go. Maybe she could grab Marie-Ange when she got home for hot chocolate and gossip, it had been ages...
Lorna was as she always was these days, in a hurry to get to another task and keep from thinking too deeply. It was a strange kind of avoidance given that she knew she was doing it, but one that had worked thus far to keep her from...something. The world seemed to cooperate mostly and gave her plenty of work without throwing anything she couldn't handle in her face. Yet.
Such thoughts were dangerous and so of course, she rounded the corner, head down and thoughts far away, she had only a half second to avoid bouncing off the smaller figure there. "Oh, geez, I'm..." she started to apologize as she stumbled back, thoughts and steps parallel jumbles. Recognition came slowly. "Amanda." Lorna took a deep breath and looked away, somewhere down the hall. "I'm sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going."
Amanda herself had backed herself up as far into the wall as possible to avoid a collision. When she realised who the green-haired juggernaut was, she couldn't help the groan. So much for the good mood. Still, it had to happen eventually, with the witch visiting the school on a regular basis. "Lorna," she said stiffly. 'No starting a screaming match, no matter how much you want to..., she told herself sternly. Remy wouldn't appreciate it. "Just on my way out."
There was absolutely nothing in the response that should have put Lorna's back up so of course it was stupid of her to be tense. Quite deliberately, she uncurled her fists and slid her them into her pockets. "Uh, sure. Whatever. You all still have the run of the place. Xavier's doesn't throw out practically anyone."
"Some'd say more's the pity." Amanda took in the other woman's deliberately casual stance, and shrugged. "But the kids seems to appreciate someone taking an interest. And they have the chance to get out of the madhouse once a week. So people will just have to get used to seeing my face around regular like." The message was clear: I'm not going anywhere, like it or not. "But I'd better get going. Drive home, check in with the boss lady, make sure Remy's eaten at least once today..."
Lorna had forced a polite interested look until Amanda mentioned Remy. She flinched and looked away again. "How's he doing?" she blurted before she could help herself. Of all the people to ask, Amanda was probably the worst but at the same probably the most likely to give her an honest answer--provided the honest answer hurt more.
"Not great. Backsliding in a big way with the whole thinking he's a monster thing. Trying to bury himself in the job so he doesn't have to feel." Amanda kept her tone even, although she had to dig her nails into her palms to do it. "How else do you think he'd be doing?"
Lorna flinched, "I guess I thought he'd be okay. He was so..." she cut herself off, "Ororo said he was doing all right." Well, no, she'd said he was the same as always. But did always mean that confident, delighted, forceful man Lorna had met in France...or the same as before? "There's no reason for him to think he's a monster. Where is he getting that idea?"
"Well, he's not popping pain pills every five minutes, so there's a degree of all right going on." Amanda shook her head, suddenly exasperated with the woman. How couldn't she know? "The monster thing started again after he got back from New Orleans. And since I have no fucking clue what went on down there besides Gambit's ex-wife turning up, I don't know where he's getting the idea." She made the delineation the same as she always did - in her mind, Remy and Gambit were two different people and always would be. "People deal with rejection in all sorts of funny ways, or that's what the shrinks like to say."
"Frankly, neither do I. I never got an explanation afterwards." She'd been too upset and tired to ask for one, drained from the emotional whiplash of the week. Inside her pockets, Lorna's hands curled back to fists, "But I didn't reject him. Don't you dare insinuate that I did. Christ, you think that after everything that I've been through that's what I couldn't handle? It's not about him. He's better!"
"You don't call telling him you don't want to see him any more not a rejection?" Amanda's contempt was obvious. "'Cause that's what he sure as hell is taking it as, even if he's trying not to. And if you think it was anything else, you've got your head stuck further up your arse than I thought. As for him being better..." The witch shook her head. "You really have no clue about him, if you think everything's all better now. Takes more than a year of living like a human being and a healing spell to put that sort of mess back together."
"Can't! Not don't want to. I can't." Lorna took a deep breath and controlled the distress in her voice. The result was a soft, almost distant tone--the only way to keep from screaming. "Some of us don't get magic spells that make everything better, Amanda. You of all people should know what happens when one half a relationship is screwed up beyond repair. He needs people who love him and won't hurt him. I only qualify on the first half of that."
The softness of the voice, the visible anguish Lorna was controlling probably got through Amanda's anger than anything else. She stared at the other woman, mouth drawn in a thin line. "Then why try?" she asked softly. "I told you, back in New Orleans, that you were going to break him. But you went ahead any way. I could see it wasn't going to work, why else do you think I've given you such a hard time? Remy's one of the most important people in the world to me and I can't help him with this." Her voice broke a little on the last. "I can try, but in the end, I'm just a fucked up kid who messes everything up."
"I can't see the future, Amanda. 8 months ago...I thought it would work. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I thought it was worth fighting for. I couldn't see ahead. I didn't know that I would lose my teacher. I didn't know that my best friends would move across the country. I didn't know about..." Lorna stopped, biting her lip and closed her eyes. She would not lose control in front of Amanda. She just wouldn't. "I tried for 8 months. It's not like this was just a fling for me or that I was just toying with him. If you get a pass for being fucked-up, then so should I. I can't be with him. It would hurt him more in the end if I was."
The witch's face was unreadable, although her hands tightened on her arms, which she'd crossed over her chest. "Fine," she said at last. "You can't be with him. But what happens down the line, when you get your act together? You expecting him to wait for you? Keep him hoping? Because right now, that's what he's doing, even while he's blaming himself. He's hoping if he gives you enough time you'll come back to him." She paused. "He won't give up unless you tell him to. That's what he does. He has faith in the people he loves."
Lorna was quiet for a long time, eyes cast down to the slow scuff of her shoe over the floor. "I don't know." When she spoke at last it was even softer than it had been previously, tired and beaten. "It's not fair of me to expect him to wait. I...don't even know if I want him to. I don't...Remy needs to take care of himself. If that means that he finds someone else," she winced but her voice didn't falter, "then that's what's best for him. I'd rather he were happy. And I can't promise that I'll ever be able to be part of that."
"Then let him go." Amanda spoke without malice or anger, just with a certain pleading. And the memory of a talk outside a hospital room. "You're right, it's not fair to keep him hanging. On either of you." She swallowed her pride adn went on. "You're not my favourite person in the world, Lorna, not by a long shot. But please, just this once, listen to me? Let him go, for both your sakes. Otherwise you'll just keeping tearing each other up, even if you never see each other again."
"I thought I had but if he's... I'll talk to him again. I guess trying to keep it simple wasn't the wrong answer." She thought about Alcatraz. Seeing him bleeding and wanting to go to him, to take care of it. And of holding back because she had no right. "Christ. No wonder you hate me." Lorna shook her head imperceptibly. "I'll talk to him. I...I'll see you around, Amanda."
"You forget - Remy's had nothing even close to a normal relationship in his life. He doesn't get the usual shorthand. Tell straight out. It'll hurt, but at least it'll be done." Amanda uncrossed her arms, hitched her bookbag up on her shoulder. "And I only hate you when I see you dicking people around. Stop doing that and I can probably tolerate you." She shrugged, and turned to keep going down the hall towards the garage. "Later, Dane."
