Kurt and Jack Leary, Monday

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Kurt has his first therapy session. It's only the beginning of the road, but it's a good start.



Kurt had been given at least some idea of what to expect when the appointment was made for him with Jack Leary, but he was still more than a little edgy when he walked into the room, tail twitching nervously.

"Um... hello."
"Make yourself comfortable," Jack said, gesturing around at the chairs and couches in the room. He smiled at Kurt, doing his best to put the obviously anxious man at ease. "I'm Jack Leary, which of course you already knew."
He settled on one of the couches, managing a weak smile. "Kurt Wagner. I... am not so very used to this kind of thing."
"It's nice to meet you Kurt. This can be daunting for someone who hasn't done it before. I mean, you're expected to come here and talk to a complete stranger about what's going on with you." Jack kept his tone casual and relaxed, in a tone he knew patients often found soothing. "But a lot of people have found that it helpful. The most important things to remember are that what we do in here is confidential, just between us, and that what we talk about is completely up to you."
Kurt nodded, trying not to be obviously twitchy. "I... do not really know where to start. You have been told the reasons?"
Jack shrugged and held his hands out and open. "Why don't you tell me. Wherever you want to begin, whatever you think I should know."
He sighed, thinking out the words. "I... have not been having the easiest year."
"What has been difficult?" Jack asked.
"My work, mostly", Kurt said quietly. "There have been several missions that... did not go well."
"Did not go well?"
"Ended violently. And I was not the worst hurt."
"Mmm," Jack mused, nodding his head and inviting Kurt to continue.
...he was starting to understand the way of these sessions much better, now, and smiled ruefully. "The last time... no, not the last time, the time before that... I was forced to hurt a student of mine."
"It sounds like that was a very difficult decision for you to make," Jack said.
"I wish there had been some other way... or that I had taken one of the ones there may have been. But he was not in a state for reason, and others might have been hurt..."
"Yet you still feel guilt for what you did, despite reporting that there were no other options," Jack said, pulling on Kurt's tone and body posture to name the feeling he seemed to be avoiding.
"Yes", he admitted finally. "Because I have never been sure there were not other options, that I just did not take the time to see."
"And what would have occurred, had you taken more time to decide on a course of action?" Jack asked.
"If I had continued to keep my student occupied... I might have been injured." His hand drifted up to the scar on his face. "But I believe I could have teleported him to a hospital, to be sedated."
"So you feel like you could have done things differently and had a result that you would have preferred. As I am sure you have heard before, hindsight is always 20/20. We look back and see how we could have done something better, yet sometimes in the moment we have to swiftly decide on what to do. Tell me Kurt, how is this student now?" Jack was careful to keep his voice gentle.
"Recovering, I believe", he said quietly. "I have not seen him for a little time."
"You said that there were several difficulties you have this past year. What else have you encountered?" Jack asked, trying to get a better picture of Kurt's functioning.
"...there was a ... similar incident. A little more than a year ago, on a mission. A man who was not capable of listening to reason, or stopping his attack..."

Jack nodded before speaking. "Again, I am sensing guilt for your actions. Yet I also sense that you did not have many other options of how to deal with the situation."

"His name was Radonic. And I was injured, and exhausted beyond using my power. And I was... not alone. So no, I suppose I did not. But I still wish."

"I see," Jack said. "So you wish these situations you faced could have ended differently, even if you are doubtful that was possible"

Kurt nodded slowly. "And I... have tried to see ways they could have done."

"So that you may make other decisions in the future?" Jack asked. "Or to continue wondering how you could have made different decisions in the past?"

That got a rueful smile. "If such a situation arises a third time, I think I will officially declare myself cursed."

Jack smiled at that. "Well, yes, we would hope that you would not encounter another. Yet, with the life you have chosen, you are exposed to situations regularly that could turn to that decision again in the field."

"That is true", he acknowledged, looking down. "And I... do not know if I could do it again."

"Tell me more about that," Jack said. "The feelings related to it as well as your concerns."

"The boy, Marius. Some" ...mainly himself... "would argue that most of his misfortune leads back to me. For feeding him when even I do not fully understand how my power works."

"Did anyone express a concern when you volunteered?" Jack asked. He was glad that Marius's mutation had already been explained to him, back when Nathan had experienced a rather unfortunate powers loop with the boy.

"No. But there... were not so very many options, at the time. His usual donors were unavailable, for one reason or another."

"And what would have happened had he not fed?" Jack asked gently.

"Eventually... he would have been taken by the need so that he attacked the first mutant he saw. But I do not think that would have happened immediately."

Jack took a sip from the mug of coffee beside him. "Would it have been better to have waited to find out?"

Kurt gave him a wry look, perfectly aware of where this was leading. "I would not put it so. But in hindsight... perhaps it would have been better to wait until one of the others was available, schedule or not."

"In hindsight, are not a lot of things so?"

"Yes, well. That is why I went after Marius myself, when the team was being chosen to retrieve him."

"I am not sure I understand," Jack said, steepling his hands together. "You helped this young man out with his needs. There was an unfortunate side effect that no one predicted and then you accompanied the team that located him and were able to return him to safety. Is that correct?"

"I accompanied the team that located him and made him unconscious with a piece of brick, before we were able to bring him back here. But broadly, yes."

"So it is the use of violence that is bothering you," Jack stated in a neutral tone.

"As it always has been. Radonic, Marius..." He swallowed slightly. "And then there was the man in San Francisco."

Jack simply nodded at this new disclosure. "The man in San Francisco?"

"A terrorist", Kurt told him. "We were to secure them for the authorities... but Marie was hurt, and Logan injured himself in healing her, and it was my fault. I was too slow. And then I hurt him."

"A perfectly natural reaction after someone hurts a friend in front of you," Jack said.

"Not for us. We are supposed to be... above that. And I have tried, so hard, for so long..." He sounded tired, suddenly.

"No one is perfect Kurt. If you try to be, you will fail time and again. The fact that this was the first time you lashed out is saying something and the fact that you are taking it to heart makes me think you will not let it happen again anytime soon," Jack replied.

"I know no man can be perfect. But some must try harder than others. A man who looks like a demon... must be closer to an angel than most, no? To have it believed by some that he is a good man at all."

"I think that more than some believe in your goodness Kurt," Jack replied gently. "You are not a demon. You are not an angel. You are simply a man. One who does great things and occasionally messes up."

"Those here believe that", he said softly. "I have never doubted it. But when you have grown up knowing that many of your own adopted clan and people believe you to be a demon in truth..."

"Then you begin to feel the need to fight other's misconceptions. Tell me Kurt, if you heard a woman say that she felt the need to prove herself to a greater degree than her male counterparts, what would you say to her?"

"I have heard such things. Some of the clan leaders were women, though not many... my mother among them. I do not believe they are necessarily wrong... in terms of the perceptions of others."

"So it is your belief that when others judge one more harshly for reasons that are not correct, it is the individual that needs to change and not the group?" Jack asked, his tone holding no judgement.

"I believe that sometimes, it is easier to work hard to prove yourself than to try to change others' perceptions in the other way."

"Perhaps it is easier," Jack agreed. "But that does not make it right."

"It is the way I have always done things", Kurt said simply. "Or tried."

"Sometimes the way one has always done things is not the way to continue doing things," Jack said softly.

"But stopping rather depends on knowing how to stop", was the equally quiet response.

"Perhaps that is something we can work on here," Jack said. "If you decide you would like to continue."

"I would", Kurt said firmly. "There are many things..." That, and he was fairly sure he wouldn't ever get back on the team without it.

"Good," Jack said and nodded briskly, pulling out his appointment book. He knew Kurt had a long road ahead of him, but hopefully he could help guide him along the path.