Hawaii--Alex and Lorna

[x-polarisstar.livejournal.com]

Lorna brings Lili back to Alex. They have a talk about what happened 10 months before.




Alex fiddled with the ice tea pitcher as he poured out two glasses, very much NOT stalling, or so he was telling himself. Of course, the fact that Lorna was sitting on the couch not ten feet behind him wasn't helping. Since she had come back around to return Lili to Crush, Alex had invited Lorna inside because he'd wanted to ask her all sorts of things...just now it didn't seem like such a good idea. Taking a deep breath, he turned around, a glass in each hand. "Did Lili enjoy her night of being an only child again?"

The aforementioned Lili was sacked out, sprawled over Crush's neck while the golden gnawed away on one of the bones Lorna had brought, perfectly content to let his smaller companion nap on his head. Lorna smiled at them then transferred her attention back to Alex, "I think so. She was up all night though except for about twenty minutes when she decided to sleep on my chest. I don't know why she thinks that the only appropriate pillows are things that breathe. Then she woke up and attacked the coffee table." Lorna accepted one of the iced teas, sipping it, "I think she's actually clinically insane."

That thought made Alex chuckle as he sat down on a nearby loveseat. "Look at where she spent much of her puppy days. It figure it's about time the mansion spouted out something certifiably crazy, even if it is just a dog." He was clearly teasing, putting one hand down to scratch Crush's rump, careful not to disturb the sleeping Lili. He bit his lip, trying to think how to broach his next question. "What happened?" Okay, blurting worked.

"We have plenty of certifiable crazies," Lorna informed him and then tilted her head slowly to the side. She was painfully, horribly aware that she probably knew exactly what he was asking. It wasn't like they hadn't long ago gotten to the point where they read each other flawlessly. But she forced herself to stay calm, reminded herself that it had been ten months and she didn't know him as well as she once had. His question could be anything. It could be 'what happened when Lili attacked the coffee table?' The coffee table had won. "What happened when?"

His question was exactly what she thought it was and Alex knew Lorna knew it. He gave a heavy sigh. "When you left. What happened?"

Yes, that's what she'd thought. Lorna bit her lip and stared at the ice cubes in her tea. "I'm...not really sure," she said softly, her voice hesitant as she searched for the right way to explain herself, "I didn't cheat on you. I did go to New Orleans and saw Remy but... I was confused. And I was scared. I saw this whole life in front of me and it was everything that I'd ever thought that I wanted. Marriage, career, beautiful home and neighbors who respected us. We even had two dogs. But I couldn't see myself there, not the way I am. I thought that I had to leave." She risked a glance up at him. "I didn't feel like I belonged."

There was a long silence before Alex got the nerve to speak and even then it was forced. "Let me get this straight...You left because you were happy?" He shook his head, indicating that wasn't the question he wanted to ask. He was so confused and her answer hadn't helped. "You left because you were scared to be happy? That you didn't deserve it?"

Lorna sighed, "No, that's not exactly it. I...wasn't happy. I was scared and I felt like it was all a lie. I wasn't the person that you thought you were with. Florida...I'm still trying to make my peace with that. With what I did and what happened to me and who I am. Christ, Alex. I spent three months with a dead woman convinced that she was me. And she was in my head and controlling everything that I thought and did but it was still me. Under it all."

Leaning forward, she set her glass down on the coffee table and pulled her legs up onto the couch, one hand gripping the opposite ankle. "I left because I didn't know if I was even in love with you anymore. And I thought...pretending...I thought pretending was worse than just leaving and trying to sort out what's wrong with me."

So is this going to be us, Me and Selene and you and Malice? was Alex's first thought but he wisely didn't say anything. For one, he didn't really believe it and two, he knew it wasn't exactly the best thing to say at the moment. Then what she had said hit him. "You didn't know if you were in love with me anymore...So you left rather than pretend...So, what did you finally figure out?" Were you pretending? Do you love me?

Alex really didn't know what he wanted the answer to be. But he had to know. This not knowing had been killing him for months.

Lorna's grip on her ankle tightened; it was the only movement. "I don't know, Alex. It's just...it's not a simple emotion. It's not... When we first met, you flattened me. I looked at you and it was every cliche in the book--the world spun, I couldn't breathe. Now there's so much more to it. There's everything we've been through, there's everything that's happened to us and what it's made us as people. Especially me." She shifted slightly, shuddered as a chill went down her spine. "I miss you. A lot. It doesn't feel right sometimes, when I'm by myself. But...I don't know if I'm in love with you."

Again with the long pause but Alex carefully went over those words in his head. He wanted to understand why she'd just left, why she felt so confused and really, why she didn't know if she loved him. He loved her...he knew he always would. But he wouldn't say anything until she could accept it. He wasn't about to put himself out there again. Because everything she was saying she'd felt for him at the beginning...Alex still felt for Lorna now.

"So," Alex finally said, "What have you discovered? About yourself?"

She gave a half-laugh, though there was no humor in it. "I've done nothing but fall apart since I left, Alex. Chef Marcel died. I killed another mutant. Dated and broke up with Remy because he was just as fucked up as me and had the audacity to get better and change on me. I'm starving myself again and I don't care that it would kill me this time more likely than not." She sighed. "I've discovered I'm not really the kind of person that you admire. I'm just...trying to get through. And failing more often than not."

Alex wanted to move to sit next to her, to hold her in his arms and never let go as he saw the pain coming through her words. The fact that he knew it would be worse if he did was the most painful thing of all, because while she'd been falling apart, he'd been prospering. Instead, he settled to holding the glass in both hands in his laps, staring into the depths of ice tea, not knowing what to say...if there even was anything.

Lorna shook her head and sighed again, then picked up her glass. "I'm trying. They tell me that's the important thing. And...it's not always awful. I'm almost done with school, should have my degree this spring. I have my classes and they're going well. So it's not horrible. I don't mean to make it sound like it's never good. I'm just...I don't know. I can't tell anyone else this, I guess. And no one ever asks anyway."

How can they not see it when it's so plain to me? "Are you getting help at all? Mr Haller and you seem to be close..." That was what worried Alex the most, was that no one at the mansion had noticed and she wasn't getting the help she needed. Not that he could help, since it wasn't really his place anymore...but he worried. He'd always worry about her.

Lorna smiled, and it was a real smile for all that it was a small one. "Yeah. He's my best friend now that Jamie and Alison have taken off to the West Coast. He's good at being there but...he doesn't really pry, you know? He just lets me be most of the time." Probably because he was afraid of making it worse half the time and wasn't in his right mind the rest of it. "I'm sorry, Alex. I shouldn't have dumped on you like that. I'm okay, really. This has just been a rough year."

"It's okay." Was immediately out of his mouth, as he didn't want her to feel guilty at all for telling him. "I asked, you didn't dump." Alex added with a smile. "I just...I worry, you know that." I love you.

"Yeah, I know." She wasn't sure she was in love with him. But she wasn't sure that she wasn't either. She knew that she missed him though. "I should get going. I...my parent's flight gets in soon and I should see if Mailani needs anything." She stood, tucking her hands into the pockets of her jean shorts. "I'd...like it if we could be friends again, at least. I miss you."

"I'd like that." Alex didn't even have to think about it. "I miss you too. And if anything, Lili and Crush would be upset at us." If Alex and Lorna couldn't love each other, at least the puppies did. He stood with her, taking both glasses to set on the counter before coming over to her. "Are you and your parents going to join us at the luau?"

Lorna nodded, "I think so. I still have to iron out the details but Mom was excited. She really wants to see you." She smiled and ran her hand through her hair. "It...was good to see you."

Alex couldn't help smiling. Even with everything that had happened...Lorna was the most beautiful woman in the world. He came over and gave her a friendly hug. "I can't wait to see them either. I'll see you all on Thursday then, down by the surf shop."

She hugged him back and clung just a little more than she should have, lingering in the familiar feeling of his arms, the reassuring heat of his body. "Sounds good," she said as she eased back. The need to move back in and just stay was overwhelming. She took a deep breath and lifted trembling hands away from him. "I'll see you then."

He couldn't help but glance over his shoulder, where Crush too had fallen asleep now, curled up around Lil who was tucked into his side. Lucky dogs... Alex thought before turning to smile at her, pretending not to notice the too long hold or the trembling hands. "I'll bring Lili with me so your family will be complete."