[log] Marie, Doug, Logan, Friday night

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

Doug wandered down the hallway, hands in pockets and nervousness level rising as it always seemed to whenever he approached Marie's door. Biting his lip, he tapped tentatively on the door.

The knock was too light to be Logan's, so it was one of the students, someone who'd read her post and was fretful over her. She really had to delete the damn thing. It was better now. Or maybe someone just needed a ride to get some ice cream or something. She opened the door. "Yeah?"

Doug fought back a flinch at the bite in Marie's voice. Then, taking in her attire, he blushed rosily. Stammering, he said "I...if now's a bad time I can..." He made a vague motion over his shoulder back in the direction of the stairs.

"No. Come on in." She tried to make her voice friendly and glanced down at herself, not quite seeing the reason for the blush. "I was just doing my nails."

Doug walked in, hands back in his pockets, struggling with his reaction to the way Marie's camisole clung to her skin. Also, he debated internally whether to mention the tension that was rolling off of Marie in waves. "So, um...how are you?" As the words left his mouth, Doug did the internal version of slapping his forehead in disgust.

"I'm better," she said. She lied well, but not well enough to hide it from him. "I should have deleted that post." She walked back to the chair where she'd been sitting, painting her nails, in the little living area in front of the television. The channel was set to CNN and the volume was muted.

As Marie briefly turned away from Doug, both hands came out of his pockets to run through his hair in a gesture of frustration. ~Can't tell her she's lying, can't tell her she's lying...~ Intentionally keeping his tone light, he pulled another chair closer to where Marie sat and smiled wryly. "You know me. King of the mansion worrywarts."

"So I hear." She tucked her feet up under her as she settled in the chair and then she held up her bare hands for his inspection. "What do you think?" Her hands were very pale and smooth, the perfectly shaped nails painted a bruise colour with a bit of shimmer in it. "I have lipstick that matches somewhere," she added.

Doug chuckled and went with his first reaction. "Shiny."

"Yeah." She looked at them herself and then reached for a pair of sheer white gloves on the table. "Time to cover them up, though. So... are you assured that I'm in one piece?"

Doug wavered a hand, still unwilling to call her on the tension in her body language. "Relatively." Scratching the back of his neck nervously, he gazed at the floor. "But, um...that wasn't the only reason I came over."

"Oh?" She paused in the process of smoothing one glove over her hand and gave him an arch look.

Doug blushed and scuffed one foot against the other, pretty well speechless. His lips moved slightly, but internally, he was busy flagellating himself. ~She was just being nice last time, she won't say yes again...~

"Whatever it is, it can't exactly be unpleasant." She pulled the other glove on and then swept the little bottles on the table up in her hands. "I'm not going to say no, Doug." She stood up and stalked away to her room. The clatter of glass hitting a hard surface followed. She came back and stood in the doorway of her bedroom, hands braced on the frame, looking him over.

Doug glanced up at her hesitantly, feeling very vulnerable. His mouth quirked hesitantly. "How do you do that? I mean, you don't have my little body language thing to cheat with. Am I just that obvious?"

She shrugged. "I taught Sunday School back home. You might as well raise your hand and ask me for permission for something. I don't get why. I mean, we're friends, right?"

Doug nodded and smiled, with the barest edge of mockery directed at himself. "Yes. We're friends. And it's just that I'm, y'know..." He made a vague motion with his hand, then sighed. "A wuss."

Marie sighed and her shoulders sagged. "You're nice. You're not a wuss. I'm sorry..." She came back and slide into her chair again, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her shins.

~Damn damn damn...~ Doug shook his head emphatically. "No, it's okay, Marie, I promise. I just...don't want to mess this up." Pulling the cuffs of the overly-long shirt he wore over his hands, he held out his arms tentatively to Marie.

"I'm just...I'm okay, really," she said in a shaky voice. "I don't want you to feel sorry for me, okay? I'm fine. I'm a big girl and I'll be okay." She looked at his offered embrace and tightened her arms around herself to keep from accepting it. "I'm okay on my own."

Doug let his arms fall back to his sides, but gazed intently at Marie. Rather than speechless, now he began to babble a bit. "It's not me feeling sorry for you." ~It's me being madly in love with you...~ Doug told that little inside voice to kindly shut up. "And I know you're a big girl. But you don't have to be on your own. I'm your friend. This is what I do with friends. I have this theory that there's nothing a hug can't make at least a little bit better." He shrugged, still feeling vulnerable.

"My parents don't want me to come home," she said quietly, managing to keep her eyes dry. "They think I should stay with my own kind. They never looked for me in the first place after I left. The military is harassing them to find out if they know where I am. I'm on some wanted list because of the incident where they caught me when we were rescuing John. I won't be going to university. I won't be going anywhere. Maybe ever. I really don't want a hug right now... I don't want anything but for this to all be different. I'm sorry."

Doug breathed a mental sigh of relief as the truth finally came out. Simultaneously, he made a vow to himself that he was going to do his best to make someone's life a living hell for doing this to Marie. Gathering himself, he put on a reassuring smile. "Okay. No hug. But this is still me being here, not feeling sorry for you."

"Good. I appreciate that." She set her jaw stubbornly. "Because I'm not going to cry about it. I'm going to be fine. And that bitch doctor who wants me back so she can tell me how evil I am and do whatever she was going to do to me, she can go to hell, because she is never touching me again. They're not getting me back. I'll just find some other way around things." She was trying hard to cover up, and doing well, almost convincing herself not to be afraid and lonely.

Doug got a vaguely grim look on his face. "Damn straight she's never touching you again." Trying to look more reassuring and also trying to tamp down on his more murderous impulses, he smiled gently at Marie. "You won't have to find that other way around things alone. You have friends here. And this is what friends gear up for."

*******
Logan left the Blackbird and headed back to his room. When he got there, though, and checked the journal system out of sheer masochism, he turned right around and headed back downstairs. He banged on Marie's door, seriously considering just opening it and to hell with her privacy.

Doug jumped in his seat, nervous. Staring in three different directions, he stammered. "Um..."

"Logan's back," Marie said, getting up quickly. "Damnit, I should have erased that post... Come in," she called out.

Logan pushed the door open, kicking it closed behind him. At first, he was so focussed on Marie, he didn't notice Doug in the room. Once he had, he decided to ignore him anyway. "What happened?"

Doug breathed an internal sigh of relief and continued his internal mantra. ~Ohmygodohmygodohmygod...~

"I'm okay," Marie told Logan. "I just... I got a letter from home..." Her voice wavered. "It just wasn't what I'd... hoped..." She trailed off, biting her lip. "But I'm alright. Really," she added softly.

Doug was so very tempted to interject with "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt," but he was too busy being not-noticed to speak unless spoken to.

Logan made a mental note to find her parents and reeducate them. She wasn't okay, that much was obvious. "What did they say?" He took another step closer, still ignoring Doug.

She wouldn't meet his eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. "They.. they, um, just wanted to tell me not to come home. Ever. And... things." Her voice was almost inaudible, her shoulders tight with shame and sorrow. "The army's been bothering them about me. So... they just wanted to make sure I knew. And stayed away."

Doug's hands clenched at his sides as he ached to give Marie a hug whether she wanted one or not. But he wasn't willing to chance the rampant hostility coming from Logan being directed at him.

Sorrow rolled off her in waves, clogging Logan's nostrils. He took those last few steps toward her, tipping her face up with his gloved hand. He needed to see her face, her eyes. "Marie..."

Marie looked up at him, eyes full of tears and hopelessness, biting her lip hard to keep from crying. "They hope I'm happy, though," she said, just loud enough for him to hear. "They hope... I found my own kind."

Doug closed his eyes, almost embarassed by the naked emotion rolling off of everyone in the room, himself included. Jamming his hands in his pockets, he hunched over slightly.

Logan pulled her close, brushing his lips over her forehead. "I'm sorry." He just /breathed/ for a moment, pushing down all the thoughts of how he'd like to make her parents suffer. "I'm sorry. They're..." He stopped himself.

"...only human." She finished his sentence for him.

Logan nodded reluctantly. "Only human." A pause, then, "I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"It's okay," Marie assured him. "You're here now." She wanted nothing more than to dive into his arms and cry but her pride held her upright. "I'm just adjusting to this. Things are a little more complicated now."

Opening his eyes, Doug stared at the door. As much as he wanted to stay there and try to help Marie, it looked like Logan had things under control. With a sad look in Marie's direction, Doug slipped very quietly toward the door, and then out into the hallway, his mind already filled with plots of things he could do to "that bitch doctor".

********
Logan tugged her hair. "College?"

She shook her head and tears spilled. "No. Not now. Maybe... ever. I'm on some military list."

Logan growled quietly. "We'll fix it, don't worry. Might take a bit, but you'll go."

"I don't want to think about it." She wrapped her arms around herself tightly. "I don't... I don't want to hope about anything right now." A sob caught in the back of her throat. "They won't leave my parents alone. I left. They shouldn't have to pay for what I am. ...it's not supposed to touch them."

He ran his fingers through her hair. "When they realise your parents don't know nothin', they'll leave 'em alone."

"I can't do this," she whispered, leaning her head on his chest. "It hurts too much."

"Whatever you need. Just tell me." He wrapped his arms around her, knowing it wouldn't be enough, but needing to do /something/.

"I want it to stop," she sobbed. She pushed him away. "I wish I could peel my skin off, I wish I could go... go home and say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be this way. What do I need? I need to not be... this..." She gestured at herself, then pulled her gloves off and threw them aside. "...this monster. I try, Logan, I do. I try to live with it, but I can't. I keep hurting... and it only gets worse. I kill people whether I mean to or not. My own parents have to suffer... I'm poison and I'm lonely and I'm going to be like this until I die and I can't keep going...."

Drifting between anger and sympathy, he growled, "You kill whether you mean to or not. I kill and /like it/. Who's the monster here?"

"You have a choice," she retorted through tears, digging her nails into her own biceps, drawing blood unconsciously as she hugged herself, holding herself together. "I wish I liked it. I wish I did. I wish I didn't have to have them in my head. You get to choose. I never have... I never asked for any of this and I can't make it go away. I can't stop it. I can't go back." Her breath came harsh and fast between the words. "I could be anything if I didn't want to do the right thing. But I can't... I can't be that way. I have to just... keep going."

The scent of blood, so short a time after the fight in New York, threw him off balance and he had to struggle for control. He could /taste/ it. "If it was easy, if we could choose, none of us'd be here. We'd all be out there, human again."

"It doesn't get better," she screamed at him, suddenly losing her temper. "I never did anything wrong!" Her hand flashed out and she grabbed an empty glass from the dining table and smashed it into the floor at her feet. "I did what was right." Her plate, half-eaten sandwich abandoned there from lunch, when she'd been called to come get the letter, followed it and shattered.

He'd been walking a thin line, with the scent of her blood filling his head, and he'd just fallen over the edge. "You aren't the only one who hates what they are!" His claws stayed sheathed by sheer force of will. "I'm a fuckin' animal! So far from human I can't even pretend anymore!" He ground his teeth, fighting for calm.

She hit his chest with a solid thud, throwing herself against him, winding her arms around him tightly. "I don't care," she sobbed. "I don't hate you. I don't care what you are. I don't want you to be human. I don't care if you like killing people. I don't care what you call yourself. You don't have to pretend. I know you... I know you more than anyone... I love you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

He held her close, the anger draining out of him. The scent of her blood was heady and he pushed at it, focussing on her. "I love you, too. I do. I shouldn't have got mad. I'm. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, you can be, you can... Don't go. Don't leave me, please, I know what I am. I know I can't change. I try, though. I'm so sorry for it. I try so hard to make up for it. Oh... god... Logan, my mama doesn't want me to come home. I can't... I can't go to school. No one's ever going to want me. I keep losing everything I have to keep me going and I don't know why, I don't know why. I'm running out of things to lose. I'm getting... empty. I'm sorry." She gulped for air, trying to stop crying. "I'm trying to be okay and I can't do it.

"I'm not goin' anywhere," he murmured, stroking her hair. "I'm not mad at you and you don't need to change. Your mama don't know what she's missin'."

"I shouldn't be this way. I'm sorry. I should be stronger, I shouldn't be sad, I have so much."

He held her for a long moment, then replied, "Don't apologise for bein' you, for feelin' how you do."

"I'm trying," she said again. "I have to try. I can't just lie down and die and I can't hurt so much so I have to try." Her tears had faded to long, shuddering breaths.

"I'll do whatever you need, to make it easier," he promised, brushing his lips over her hair. "I'm sorry I can't fix it. Can't take it all back."

"Can I stay with you tonight? Everything feels so lonely."

He tugged at a strand of her hair. " 'course you can. Whenever you want. Whatever you want."

Comments

[x-crowdofone.livejournal.com]

Only if you're played by Tim Curry. He's the only voice I can hear using that word anymore.

[x-marrow.livejournal.com]

Oh god. Rogue played by Tim Curry. That's an interesting image.

[x-crowdofone.livejournal.com]

Well, we know he's done drag before. Although I haven't actually seen it, because what I've heard about Rocky Horror makes me absolutely certain I wouldn't like it at all.

[x-shinobi.livejournal.com]

A bit more interesting an image than Curry doing Shinobi's voice. Tim Curry's voice coming out of Gackt's mouth. That's.. weird yet cool at the same time.

"No, no, you see, Remy charged six cards. One plus two plus two plus one."