xp_logs | Kurt and Scott, Monday afternoon

Kurt stops in to talk to Scott about summer courses. Chat about the recent staff discussion leads to a whole new conversation, in which Kurt makes a rather startling admission and gives Scott something to think about.

Summer was coming up, and if there was one thing Kurt wasn't looking forward to, it was a long few months with nothing to do except team missions as and when, and no possibility of leaving the school for longer than a day or two - simply because he had nowhere else to go. So, remembering that summer classes had happened before, he made his way to Scott's office.

"Hey, Kurt," Scott said, spotting him through his open office door. "Come on in," he invited, scrawling down a few comments on one of the quizzes he'd been marking. "Ignore me, got a little behind with the marking because I got caught up in other things..."

"I noticed", Kurt said dryly, walking in and taking a seat. "It would seem recent stress has been catching up with many people."

Scott shook his head, still scrawling comments. "It has," he said easily, "which is why I'm not ranting and raving. I just want us to put some thought into the impression that we're giving... I don't think that's a bad thing."

"On the other hand", Kurt noted, "the last person to actually post drunkenly to the journals - if you exclude Lorna's comments to that post - is not employed by the school. Pietro was not drunk when he wrote his, nor was he near the school when he did the drinking. Of course, there was the question of how those people returned to the school..."

"I dropped Betsy and Wanda an email too. Just asking them as a favor to maybe avoid doing that in future," Scott said, shaking his head. "Look, everyone's making a far bigger deal of this than I meant, or missing the point entirely," he said, a hint of irritation in his voice. "I'm not calling anyone on the carpet, I'm just asking us to think."

Kurt shrugged. "If it is being taken as a big deal by some, then perhaps that is just their way of thinking about it."

"No one likes to be called on something, even in a vague way," Scott said, then sighed, shaking his head again quizzically. "You know, though, it's got me thinking. I've been aware of the fact that I've bordered on unhealthy drinking habits from time to time. Jack called me on it... well, no, Jack helped me call myself on it, back during this summer, after Jean left. It's too easy to do," Scott said, more contemplatively. "It really is."

Kurt looked at him a little uncertainly, not quite sure if he was just talking about what it seemed on the surface, or something else. "But you are aware of it. Is that why you were worried when Betsy made her post?" He wasn't talking about the kids now, of course.

"We do live in a pressure cooker, Garrison's right. And some of the things we see... or something of the things that happen to us, they're of the type where wanting to blot it all out is a natural reaction. I'm not sure the cumulative stress isn't worse, either. The minor disasters, piling one on top of each other and the major disasters... look at the fall and winter you had, Kurt."

"I have been seeing Jack about that", Kurt said defensively. "And it was agreed I could come back off the bench because I have been seeing him."

Scott looked startled, then apologetic. "That wasn't meant to imply anything, Kurt. You're off the bench and you should be, and I haven't had any questions about that since you've come back to active duty. And really," he said, cracking a slight smile, "I have no room to talk. You'd all be perfectly justified in questioning whether I'm fit to be off the bench, even now."

Kurt relaxed at that assurance, nodding slightly. "I think perhaps the same could be said for... well, if everyone it could be said for was benched, we would have no team." It was an admission, of sorts, if one he was hardly conscious of making.

"I was serious about what I said to Forge, about wishing that we had some way to blow off steam as a group that didn't involve alcohol or violence. I think maybe the... collective culture inclines us to that. I've been thinking about this a lot lately," Scott said pensively, setting down his pen.

"The collective culture?" Kurt asked, tilting his head a little in non-comprehension. "Not of America, surely."

"Our collective culture. The team. We go out and throw ourselves into insane situations, we come back various degrees of banged up... it's getting to the point where it's almost incidental, don't you think?" Scott raised an eyebrow, smiling a bit wryly. "Did anyone make much of a fuss about your hand, for example? Except for the fact that you were high on painkillers and teleported into the Potomac..."

"Only Amelia and Amanda, apart from the younger girls", Kurt acknowledged. "Except Nathan when he treated it in the field, but that was not exactly making a fuss."

"Exactly. It's become not a big deal, in a way. Which is good in one sense, because if we were obsessed over our bruises, we couldn't do our jobs. But I just wonder if it's not... well, I told Jean, when we were talking about what I did in Florida, that there's a part of me that doesn't really expect to live to see forty," Scott said honestly. "And I don't think that was hyperbole. Do you ever feel the same way? I mean, when we dodge bullets, so many times..."

"To be honest?" Kurt said quietly. "I have never wanted to live to be old, let alone expected it. And I felt that way before I even knew Professor Xavier existed. I am an acrobat, Scott, and that has always been more than just what I do. I cannot imagine being forced to retire because I simply cannot do it any longer. I do not want to be forced to retire." Even back in the circus, he'd always known that someday, his grip would give... and he wouldn't teleport to safety. He left unspoken what that might - or would - have meant if Amanda hadn't been able to heal his eyes.

Scott's smile was oddly wistful. "We do so much, put so much work and effort into being highly capable people... I don't think I'd ask this question of the team as a whole, because I'm sure I wouldn't want to know the answer. But there's got to be something after, right?" The question was mostly rhetorical. "When we're no longer able to go charging into danger or swinging off the trapeze..."

"For most of us, I am sure there will be", Kurt said carefully. "Those of us who have families to settle down with, other things they can do when all this ends. Or who are young enough to have their whole lives yet to come."

Scott tilted his head slightly, his expression distant for a long moment. Then he gave an odd little smile, shaking his head. "No," he said. "You know, you've given me a lot to think about here, Kurt, but I am going to do that thinking. I don't want any of our teammates' lives ending when they can't be X-Men anymore." He looked up at Kurt, the smile growing into something more natural. "I'd say it was something you and I could talk about more over a beer, but I suspect after this morning that would make me inconsistent."

"Perhaps not a beer, then", Kurt said with a wry quirk of a grin. "But if you want to talk more... we can."

"We should model good behavior and go find something else to do with our time, if we're going to talk," Scott said with a laugh. "Discover a new hobby..."

"I could teach you some trapeze work", Kurt suggested lightly. "I had come here to ask about summer classes, as it happens."

"I can somehow not see myself on the trapeze." Scott was still laughing, though, as he leaned back in his chair. "Okay. Summer courses. Did you have any ideas, or shall we brainstorm?"