xp_logs | Doug's very bad(well, maybe not _that

A book on American Sign Language in her hands and the post-it with the information about the lesson plans on the front of it, Marie headed off to Doug's room. He usually wasn't too hard to find close to meal times, he kept a fairly unremarkable schedule of classes and homework and socializing. If he wasn't in his room, he was probably in the rec room with some other students. She knocked on the door. "Hey, Doug, did you get my message?" she said, raising her voice a little to carry through the door.

Doug jumped in his chair, a shot of adrenalin running through his veins at the voice coming from his door. He smacked his head quietly against his desk and muttered "Not now..." Rasing his voice, he struggled for a light tone as he responded, "Hey, Marie. Yeah, I got your message. It's open."

Marie opened the door and came in, half-closing it behind her. "Hi, I'm not..." her voice trailed off as she took him in. "...disturbing you?" She crossed the room in a few strides, frowning. "Honey, are you feeling okay? You look rough. You're not coming down with the flu or something are you?" She put her hand under his chin and lifted it, looking down at him with concern, and then moved her hand to his forehead, feeling for a fever through the thin black silk of her glove.

Doug kept his eyes averted, swallowing back his usual reaction to Marie's silk-clad touch. He shrugged. "I'm just...it's been a long day. Not a very good one."

She put the book down on his desk. "Not at all, obviously. Can I help?" She crouched down to be at his eye-level, her hand on his cheek urging him to look at her. "Hey, you were there for me..." she gave him a small, appealing smile.

Doug closed his eyes and let out a ragged sigh. ~God, I'm just too tired to keep pretending. And I just know she'll be able to tell.~ He curled up in his chair. "Ever have a day that you wish you could do over?" he whispered.

"Yeah. A few. Whatever it is... it's not the end of the world. Unless it is, and even then I'm pretty sure we can fix that. You want to go out or something? Get out of the house?" She ran her fingers through his dishevelled hair, straightening it a little.

Doug rested his head on his knees, torn. ~Yes, I want to get out of the house. But the longer I stay around you right now, the more likely I am to make that embarassing declaration, and who knows what comes after that...~ His lips worked silently, no words coming out.

"Come on." She stood and offered him her hands. "We can just go for a drive. You don't have to say anything. We'll just get out of here for a while. Maybe some distance will put it all in perspective."

Doug clung to one hand like a lifeline as he let Marie pull him out of his chair. Grabbing a sweatshirt, he pulled it on. Closing his door softly, he gazed sadly at Paige's door, then wandered towards the entryway, carefully avoiding looking at Marie or saying anything he might regret.

It was still dark early and the back roads were all but empty. Marie didn't say anything for a number of miles, she just kept her peace and paid attention to her driving.

Doug rested his forehead against the coolness of the passenger window, content to remain in silence for the time being. If he opened his mouth right now, he was too afraid he'd either say the words or burst out crying. Or both.

Marie glanced over at him when she stopped at an empty crossroads and the flashing light overhead lit the car up with bursts of red. Her calm expression shifted to deep concern as she watched him and then she became determined. -He's going to /lose/ it on someone sooner or later- she thought. "Doug," she said gently. "I can tell when someone's at their limit. I go there a lot myself. It's just us here right now. Spill."

Doug bit his lip and clenched his hands. He whispered hesitantly, "I want to. But I'm scared."

Marie drove through the intersection and pulled over to the side of the road and set the hazard lights, then she turned to him. "See, I won't drive off the road or anything. You're safe here. I promise. Whatever it is, it's okay."

Doug clung to Marie's hand, eyes closed tightly, one tear on the verge of leaking out. He whispered very softly, but not so softly that Marie couldn't hear. "I want it to be okay. But I'm scared that it won't be."

Marie took a slow breath and squeezed his hand, feeling terribly sorry for him in his distress. "We'll manage. Whatever it is," she said firmly.

Doug bit his lip, on the verge of just coming out and saying everything. "I - I really hope that we will. I'm just scared that we won't."

"Doug. I've already got white hairs," she said with a small smile. "A few more won't matter. Go ahead and tell me." -How bad can it be?- she wondered, remembering the disaster that past secrets had made of her life. -Not THAT bad, I'm sure.-

Doug pulled his hand from Rogue's, took a deep breath with his eyes closed, and said the three words that had been on the verge of coming out the whole drive. "I love you."

-Well,- she thought. -That was unexpected.- She didn't pull away, she was just silent for a moment. "Well, it's not the end of the world," she said at last. "Did you think I'd be mad at you for that?"

Doug wrapped his arms around himself defensively, still not opening his eyes. "I...not mad," he whispered. "But I was scared of coming out and actually saying it. But I've just...I've had such a long hard day, and I'm tired of pretending."

"I can't say I think of you the same way," she said sadly. "I know what it's like to be in love with someone who doesn't look at you that way. I'm sorry. It's pretty awful sometimes. I'm glad you said it, though."

Doug flinched minutely. With a self-mocking tone to his voice, he chuckled. "Right. Dating's not for you."

"It's not." Her tone was even, but she winced. "But it's best for everyone if I'm up front about it. It's just not for someone like me. I have to be practical."

Doug shrugged. "I understand that. But...it's just...I mean, yeah, I'm sixteen, and I have hormones, and all of that, but there's more to it than that. Besides, as long as you're careful, what's wrong with being a little impractical every once in a while? Daring to dream, daring to be romantic." A hand crept involuntarily to the silk handkerchief in his pocket.

"Because it kills people, Doug, when I'm impractical, or it can." She let go of his hand. "The first boy I ever kissed spent months in a coma. And he's still inside my head. I can hear him sometimes. And, you know, kissing's just a basic part of dating and it leads to other things that are more and more dangerous. To do that to someone I loved, to take risks with them, that's just not something I can do. People eventually get tired of being faithful to someone they can't touch. It's not their fault. It's just how it is. I'm not... I'm just not part of things that way. It's best if I stay out of it."

Doug pounded a fist against his thigh in frustration. "All I want's a chance, Em. A chance to prove that maybe you're wrong, that dating _can_ be for you. A chance to prove that maybe I _can_ be faithful to someone I can't touch." He hesitated shy of telling her about all the daydreams he'd been having, about creative ways to get around her inability to touch. He whispered softly. "...a chance to prove that I won't break your heart."

"I don't know if I can take that chance, Doug. The last time nearly killed me. Or, rather, I nearly did it myself." Marie turned to look out over the steering wheel. Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm a coward, if you like to call it that. But I gave that up, put it away. It's just not part of my life anymore."

Doug gazed at Marie heartbrokenly. Fishing the handkerchief out of his pocket, he tenderly wiped away the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes, careful to keep his hand wrapped in the handkerchief. "I don't think you're a coward, Marie. I've told you several times that I think you're one of the strongest people I know." He tentatively reached out to cradle her hand in his. "I just...refuse to believe that you have to give up all of that. I can't believe that you can't have love like this in your life." He tried to blink back tears in his own eyes.

"Believe me," she said, turning to look at him. Now she was the one who was afraid and her hands were trembling. "I can't. I have the proof in my head where I won't forget it. I can't do that again. I'd just be waiting for the axe to fall and I can't live through that again. I won't."

Doug tenderly wrapped one of Marie's trembling hands in his own. "All I want's a chance, Marie. I promise you you can back away at any time, tell me it's too much. Just a chance. And it doesn't even have to be right now." He grinned. "Besides, I've been doing some thinking, and let's just say I have some ideas."

"You don't understand." She tried to keep her voice steady. Her entire posture was taut and she bit her lip hard before speaking again. "I like you. I really do. But I am not going back there. I would just be pretending. Playing a game, and I am not a child. I'm not going to delude myself into thinking that things are ever going to be normal for me that way, not even close. If I'd just been... dumped... or cheated on, maybe I'd believe you. But you /don't/ understand. I was stupid to even think that I could be normal that way, and I learned my lesson thoroughly. I won't make that mistake again."

Doug spoke softly, trying to get Marie to relax, her hand still clasped in his. "I don't see it as pretending. It's not a game to me. Besides, we're not exactly normal." He chuckled. "Who says that love has to be normal for us? Who's to say we can't find our own normal?" He brushed a thumb gently over the back of her hand, trying to hide the way his heart sang at Marie's admission that she _did_ like him. To Doug, it was a start.

She pulled her hand away from him and started the car. "You can decide if you still want to be friends with me." Tears spilled down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I can't. I'd never be able to breathe."

Doug placed his hand back on Marie's before she could put the car in gear. "I will always be your friend no matter what, Marie." He offered the handkerchief for her to wipe her eyes and nose. "Are you okay to drive? Or do you want me to? Or we can just take a few minutes to calm down. I don't want you running off the road because you can't see."

Marie wiped her eyes on her sleeve and shook her head. "I appreciate that," she managed to say. "More than you know. I'll be fine." She straightened her shoulders and set her jaw. "I can drive."

Doug nodded and kept quiet for most of the ride home. As they got out of the car and walked to the front doors, Doug stopped Marie. "Now that I've finally said all of the stuff that was bottled up, it feels pretty good. I'm not sorry that I told you." Taking her hand in his, he kissed the back lightly. "And this is fair warning that I'm not giving up. You won't run me off quite so easily." He grinned. It was much easier to say this time. "I love you, Marie."

"I'm not sorry you told me." She tolerated the gesture and managed not to flinch at his words. "I don't want to hurt you, Doug. I'm glad you want to still be friends." She tried to keep her voice calm and quiet. "I'll see you later, okay?"

Doug nodded, knowing how much she wanted to get away. He smiled gently. "Okay. Later, then."

"Take care." She took the steps to the front door quickly and let herself in, closing it hard behind her.

Doug flung his arms wide and let out a happy sigh. Wandering up to the door, he grinned. In her haste, Marie had left the door ajar the barest little bit. ~Maybe it's silly, but maybe it's a sign. Who knows.~ He wandered towards his room, for once not quite so deep in depressing thoughts.

It wasn't until the door had closed behind Doug's departing form that the wind shifted, carrying the smoke from a cigarette along on its currents. Slowly, Shinobi poked his head out into view and peered at the porch the pair just vacated, one eyebrow slowly creeping up his forehead. I need to start smoking out back..

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

x-rogue.livejournal.com

*laughs* Shinobi, you're too cute.

And AUGH! Doug! Stop tearing up my character! Wah!

From:

x-shinobi.livejournal.com

Too cute? No such thing! :D

From:

x-cypher.livejournal.com

Doug: I don't _mean_ to make her cry, honest. I just...couldn't keep pretending. Wah.

From:

x-rogue.livejournal.com

Wah. You made her angst. That was angst, right? I try so hard to avoid it...

From:

x-cypher.livejournal.com

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was angst. Doug does it a lot, so I'm pretty familiar with it.

From:

x-rogue.livejournal.com

Damn. *sighs*

From:

x-shinobi.livejournal.com

We should have an angsting party sometime. Or, wait.. Doug's on cloud nine now.

Damn!

From:

x-tarot.livejournal.com

.. I think that Monday morning, or maybe Tuesday - whatever day classes are next, since Monday is MLK Jr. Day, Marie-Ange and Doug need to have a chat over lunch.

Heh. Heh. Heh.