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xp_logsThe boys can't sleep so Jay finds new and interesting buttons to press. Takes place a few hours after the conclusion of movie night
The rhythmic breathing of the others should have put Jay to sleep. Instead, he lay on his side, as comfortable as he could get on the floor, staring at the framed pictures on the wall. It wasn't the first night he had woken up, unable to sleep. The first question that came to mind - were the others asleep or were they having a restless night as he was? One glance to the bed told him that they were sleeping soundly and Jay got up to go to the washroom. He didn't bother turning on the light, nor locking the door and after the flush of the toilet, he washed his hands and face. He checked the mirror and even in the darkness, could see the faint lines of bags hanging under his eyes.
Sighing, he returned to the room to lay back down. Kevin's blanket had been released earlier on, due to the guy needing it, though one of his pillows still remained hostage. Glancing to the end of the bed, he studied the feet of someone else laying on the floor, but was out of his line of sight. They too were sleeping heavily, and Jay rolled over to see if he could get comfortable again, only to see another set of eyes open, staring at him.
Kevin wasn't even really staring at Jay, he wasn't staring at anything at the moment. His eyes were unfocused and he was trying to slow his heart beat currently, all other things took a back seat in his attention to doing that. It had been the same nightmare he always had. It wasn't as bad this time, Kevin had managed to wake himself up before his father was a pile of ashes or even before the decay had spread too far up his arms, though at the time everything had been instantaneous feeling. It wasn't, it had taken about ten minutes in all, though in his nightmare sometimes time sped and sometime it slowed, but always he was helpless and always reality got to win out.
Sleep was not going to be reclaimed tonight. All Kevin could focus on now was all the bodies around him and how dangerous he was to them. His own body seemed to be confused between wanting to tremble and wanting to fold its tension up around him until he was a tight knot. Not even taking the time to realize whether or not anyone else was awake, Kevin untangled himself from his blanket, got up, grabbed his jacket and headed out the door, though he wasn't sure where he was headed. The kitchen maybe? Outside maybe? Anywhere that wasn't populated, likely. He wasn't even sure what time it was.
His vision was poor in the dark, and it seemed like Kevin was staring at him for a long time before suddenly getting up and abruptly walking out. What was that all about? Sliding the blankets off him, Jay stood up quietly and was careful not to bump anyone on the way out. He didn't grab for his jacket, but walked bare shirted downstairs, catching up to Kevin in the hallway.
"Hey," he said, reaching out by habit to grab Kevin's shirt, but he didn't quite make it, recoiling his hand with hesitation. Impulse made him reach out. Stupidity would have grabbed his roommate but quick common sense kept him from making that mistake. "Ya'light?" he asked, concerned but not overly so. "Kinda late, ain't it?"
"Huh?" Kevin was still carrying the jacket, not wearing it yet, and the voice had made him jump. His movement felt as stiff as his back and neck were, though he had no idea if he was imagining that or if it was really how he was moving. He turned slowly, pivoting around on the balls of his feet to see Jay there. Kevin looked confused for a moment. "Yeah, probably. Ah don't know what time it is." It seemed the accent had stayed with him from the dream. He could hear himself and his father echoing in his head and it had snapped him back into that soft, Georgian accent he never used anymore.
Shaking his head to clear the sleep-induce fog in his brain, he finally asked the obvious, "Why're you up?" Kevin had conveniently not answered Jay about whether or not he was okay.
"It's late an' that's all ya need ta know." Jay didn't really know what time it was, but he figured it was around one, two or three. Those hours were the worse times to be awake, like time crawled until you fell asleep. If you fell asleep. Scratching at his elbow, he shrugged. "Ah dunno. Just can't sleep. Floor ain't exactly comfy, not with wings anyways." Looking back up the stairs, he fell silent, listening to the quiet sounds of the others. Someone was snoring like a banshee, and he pitied the people who slept in the same room.
Shifting on his feet, he scratched the inside of his elbow again, the skin tough and tight. He would have liked to put some lotion on it, just to soothe that feeling, but didn't have any on hand to do so. "Why're ya up?" he prompted, There wasn't any reason for them to be up, but he could ask. Maybe Kevin was still being skittish.
Kevin glanced at Jay's wings when they were mentioned. He tried to imagine what it would be like to have to sleep with them on the floor. Probably damn irritating now that he thought about it. He had a vague thought about how mean it was for wings to be crunched together on the hard floor and it made him frown for just a moment before the expression fled his features. His focus moved to a window as if it would help him decipher the time. It didn't. Dead of night, that's all he could come up with. The air had the thickness that true night brought, the shroud of silence when no other humans were stirring.
Bringing his attention back to his roommate, Kevin shook his head a little again to clear it of thoughts. His mind was buzzing. "A dream woke me up, " he explained softly, his usual volume having dipped down near a whisper. Purposely he did not use the word nightmare. "Things Ah'd rather not remember. That's all. Ah just needed to...." his eyes flicked beyond Jay toward the room they'd come from, "there's too many people in there. Ah can't breathe."
Through the darkness of the hallway, Jay studied Kevin's eyes, dark and haunting, like the depth within them held back so much, had been through so much despite where he stood now, surrounded by so many like him. Or at least similar to him. He looked shaken, caged and confined in the surrounding walls. He didn't have the comfort to get away from them, to crawl back into his hole of a bedroom and drown himself in his misery. Jay didn't know what to say to him, instead, reaching up again to just touch him, as if to still him. He forgot again. Stilling his hand, he dropped it away from his roommate and left for the living room.
A minute later, Jay returned with his guitar in hand, and headed for the front porch. His light footsteps padded across the carpeted flooring, feathers falling in his wake in passing the other rooms. He paused at the door before moving out into the chill of the night. Either Kevin would follow, or he would stay inside the house. The air kissed his cheeks and bit at his skin. Clenching his teeth together, he tolerated it. He would have to get a jacket in a few minutes, but the cold, autumn air was refreshing, reminding him of when he sat outside the house and played on the steps of the porch. He did a similar thing here, except there was a swing outside and tucking a leg under him, he took a seat.
Adjusting his seat, he plucked at a few strings, testing the sound and adjusting one or two knobs before picking up a light quiet tune. He didn't sing.
Kevin had watched Jay carefully now that the rest of the fog was lifting from his mind. His brows had knit together incrementally, the confusion etching itself onto his features slowly. Kevin never understood that. He didn't understand what Jay's fascination with touching him seemed to be. What he understood less was why he was now stopping himself when before he'd purposely done it almost as if proving he could. The contradiction just made Kevin confused.
Jay came back, guitar in hand, and walked down the hall. Kevin watched the feathers falling and watched his roommate go through the door but he still didn't move. He'd meant it when he said he couldn't breathe. Despite the fact that this was not home and it was not safe, Kevin couldn't stand being so swaddled in clothing. Normally he got a reprieve at night, but not while he was here. Dropping his jacket to the ground, Kevin pulled off both his shirts, then his gloves before pulling just the thin, black tee shirt back on. Gathering up the discarded shirt, gloves and jacket, he finally followed Jay out to the porch.
The air was cold and it seemed to blow straight through Kevin, but the chill was welcome. It reminded him that he was alive in a way that heat never did. It was hard for heat to affect him much when he was always layered in cloth, but cold was a change. Cold was new and Kevin closed his eyes to it for a moment. All of that discarded cloth was dropped near the banister of the stairs where Kevin decided to sit. He listened to Jay play and stared at his hands, wondering if he'd forgotten what they actually looked like. "Why do you do that?" He didn't specify and didn't care to unless Jay asked. It was the almost touch he was referring to, though even Kevin didn't know if he was asking why Jay reached out, or why he didn't follow through.
With his head inclined, he was almost through the song when Kevin came out. He glanced up briefly. Behind the bangs hiding his eyes, he took in his roommate again and was surprised by the clothing Kevin had shed. "Why Kev," he started in a quiet voice. "Yer almost nakid. Tryin' ta seduce me?" He blushed after he made the comment, yet hid behind his hair, stopping the song, and checking another string. Even if it had been a joke. "Ya come out 'ere fer a lullaby?" he teased.
With a leg touching the ground, Jay pushed on the swing while he tried out another song. It was short, a lot slower then the last and spoke of a silent melancholy between the boys. He would have liked to have some lyrics, though Jay often had songs written without. He felt there was someone who could fill that gap, that a muse would come along and inspire him. He waited for that muse now, and it seemed to be in Kevin.
Breaking away from the song, he paused, leaning on the guitar and interlocking his hands. "Do what?" he asked in his thick southern accent. Having no idea what Kev was talking about, Jay managed to look fairly blank to the question being asked.
Jay's reaction to Kevin's exposed skin actually made him smile ever so slightly. It was just the tugging of one corner of his mouth upward, but it happened and it didn't disappear immediately either. The expression seemed to like being on his face and Kevin didn't much have the heart to even fight his own expression tonight. He was still staring at his hands, trying to memorize them in case he never really saw them again. "Ah don't think Ah'd be any good at seducing if Ah tried it," he replied quietly. He wasn't even sure Jay could hear him as the guitar was actually louder than his voice was currently. "Lullabies are supposed to soothe, put you to sleep. Ah wouldn't want you wasting one on me. 'Sides, Ah thought Ah wasn't worthy?" He hadn't forgotten that mouthed word from earlier, maybe, when he had joked about it. The response just confused him though so Kevin chose not to think about it.
The newer song Kevin liked more. It seemed to fit his mood. It helped the darkness of the night wrap around him and while Kevin knew he should have been cold he simply felt like he could actually feel something for once. Maybe that was just because of his exposed arms and the breeze softly licking across them. Sometimes he forgot how much he didn't feel. It was a useful habit until he reminded himself things had texture and temperature and he couldn't remember what any of it felt like anymore. Tactile memory could be lost, it seemed. He never would have considered that before. Who would as long as they could still feel things beneath their fingertips?
The question had only brought a shrug from Kevin. Damn, now he had to figure out which one he meant. Maybe he meant both. "Ah dunno. Touch me and then stop before you touch me. Ah'm not asking for another panic attack, don't get me wrong. Just seemed weird, is all. You go out of your way to prove you can and then when you almost do again you stop yourself. Ah just wondered why." Without the music to compete with the wind carried Kevin's soft, nearly undetectable accent on the air, a harmony of soft vowels amidst otherwise uninflected speech.
He was smiling, and Kevin was smiling. The moment didn't pass like most moments did. Instead it lingered, and Jay found himself warmed by it. He hadn't felt good in awhile, not like this. Yet as he felt good about it, so did he ache for something else. Something perfect. Kevin didn't seem to know what he wanted and the seducing comment was left alone. He wasn't pushing for anything, didn't want to, but the hopeless romantic in him wanted desperately to pave a road to someone's heart. He just wasn't sure if Kevin was that person. "Ah don' think it'd be a waste, per se. But yer right. How do Ah know yer even worthy o' that? Maybe ya could give me a reason?" He didn't really expect one, but it was fun to pull Kev around like this.
It made him uncomfortable that Kev stared at his hands so long. Like there was the infamous blood on the hands that couldn't be washed off. In this case, he thought it was the mutation that caused the forlorn expression. It seemed sadder than it had in other times he saw Kevin in passing. Jay didn't ask because his roommate probably didn't want to tell him, and there were some things best left unsaid.
Twice he was surprised tonight. He hadn't expected that question, and sat quietly, considering his answer. Instead, he started to play some music, a random, quiet tune over and over. He didn't like the silence between them, like they were the only ones awake at this house. He was hopeful as much as he was ashamed that Kevin asked his question like he, himself, was hopeful. "Are ya sure ya don't want me ta touch you?" he asked faintly, music working effortlessly to fill the void between them.
Kevin shrugged, the gesture taking its time to complete itself. It didn't seem any more rushed than Kevin did about things tonight. Sometimes slow was better. Sometimes taking the time to think or look or feel was better. It was strange the way shutting yourself down sometimes opened yourself up. He wasn't really sure what shut and what opened but he knew he wasn't processing things like he usually did. "What makes a person worth it?" His inquiry was soft and sincere. It was something he didn't often think about because it wasn't ever something he could have. Why bother then, right? He wasn't masochistic. "Ah can't think of anything that'd make me worth it. Like Ah said, Ah wouldn't want you wasting your lullabies on me."
Music started again, swallowing some of the silence. Kevin closed his eyes, trying to decide if he preferred the music or silence. He was fond of silence, the echo of the air and the rustling of the leaves. He wouldn't complain about the music, though. It was pretty. Jay's question made Kevin look over his shoulder at the winged musician. His eyes first went to Jay and then to his wings. Glancing back down at his hands, Kevin thought he finally figured out what the fascination with always watching the wings was. It caused the other side of his mouth to tug upward and join the first so a gentle smile fully played across his lips.
The actual answer to the question wasn't very simple. Did he want Jay to touch him? No. Yes. Yes, but he couldn't handle it. No, because he couldn't handle the risk. Yes because he wanted it. No because he wasn't meant to have it. Yes because he wanted to feel something. No because it would never mean what he wanted someone touching him to mean. The conflict chased itself across his face, most easily seen in his eyes. He settled for simply saying, "Ah wouldn't want to hurt you." It was perhaps only a partial truth but it was a truth nonetheless.
"Depends." His fingers slid up the strings and stopped the tune abruptly. It was like fingernails scratching a blackboard and broke the moment between them, but Jay wasn't sure he wanted that moment, did he? It was the wrong time for this, he told himself. They were on the porch alone, no one awake in the house and the ambiance of the night enticing them to lower their voices into whispers. Neither of them wanted to commit to anything, fears set into them like a second skin, and Jay leaned back against his wings, noticing the glance to the pair on his back. Again. Kevin's fascination with the red feathers, with his body. The look lifted goose bumps on his arms and a shiver slipped up his spine.
"Ya wouldn't hurt me," he said. Not physically because Jay wouldn't let it happen, but emotionally, anyone could hurt him. Someone had hurt him and he was still not over that. He liked to think he was and dreamed of moments between himself and another guy, but this was far from what he imagined - how close, yet distant Kevin was being. "That wasn't an answer. Wha do ya want then?" he asked, setting his guitar aside on the ground beneath the swing. Stretching out on his stomach, Jay tucked an arm under his head, and hung the other arm freely off the side. His feet dangled above, crossing in between his red wings that seemed very intrusive where he lay.
Kevin let the one word hang in the air, thinking about how it wasn't actually an answer. After long moments of letting it echo in his head he finally shrugged and let the sound drop from his mind. Belatedly he cringed at the sound the guitar had made and wrapped his arms around his knees, trying to hold himself in closer. "You don't actually have to answer. Ah was just wondering. Not specific to that, really, sort of in a bigger sense. But you're here so why not ask, right?" Something about his tone betrayed that sense of morbid curiosity to himself and he wondered if Jay heard it too. People always wanted to know what it was like, having things they could not. Rich people wondered about being poor, poor people wondered about being rich. Kevin wondered about being worth someone's heart. It hadn't ever really been the lullaby he was asking about, but there wasn't really any reason for him to clarify that.
How could Jay ever be so sure he wouldn't get hurt? Kevin hurt nearly everyone he touched, or who touched him. Chakra's screams echoed mirthlessly in his mind and he had to close his eyes to chase the memory away. Setting his chin on his knees, he stared out at the street. Peaceful. Silent. Vacant. Vaguely he wondered if death was like that, an empty street in the middle of the night, lovingly wrapped in silence but carelessly discarded by the people nearby. No, Kevin hadn't answered the question. He wasn't sure he was man enough to fully answer it and do so honestly. "Ah want a lot of things," he finally replied quietly, the melancholy fully creeping into his tone for the first time. It was an emotion he always carried around with him, something that both weighed him down and tied him to the earth. Grounded in so many ways by that one feeling. "Can't have none of them so it's best not to think about." But he was thinking anyway and it just made him sadder. Kevin tried hard not to feel sorry for himself but it was hard during the night when there weren't any distractions from reality.
Jay flattened his palm against the floor boards of the porch and smoothed over it while he thought about what he was going to say. Usually his mouth was functioning before his brain could catch up, but here time stood still, and he wasn't in any rush to answer. It seemed to him that the longer he took to answer, the more Kevin revealed about himself and his thoughts. It was like a dance, a game between them and Jay couldn't figure out when the game had started. "Ah don' know what yer talkin' 'bout. Bigger sense? Wha'd ya mean?" He had a feeling he knew what it meant, but wanted to hear it to be sure. No one liked to put their heart out there, just in case someone laughed.
"This ain't that big o' a deal." Even as he said it, he knew it to be a lie. Touching was a big deal, a sign of many things in life. People touched for comfort; for pleasure and for pain. They touched because a gesture spoke volumes, confessed truths and obliterated lies. It made the blind see and the deaf talk. It made Jay long to be touched again, and if he felt this way, he could only imagine how Kevin felt ten fold. "C'mere." He patted the ground next to his hand, not bothering to move from where he was, just in case Kev didn't come. Jay wasn't going to chase him.
The problem with being vague is that people didn't know what you were talking about. It was just fine if a person was trying to avoid saying something like Kevin was, but it caused problems when the person on the receiving end of the fuzzy signal asked questions so the picture came into better view. He continued to stare at the street, deciding if he was going to answer or not. Secrets seemed safer in the dark. Part of his mind had shut down when he'd woken up and Kevin was pretty sure now it was definitely his censor button that was on malfunction. There was no other reason he could think of that would make him decide to clarify. "Just in the bigger sense of being worth it, Ah guess. Y'know, there are people you wouldn't waste a second thought on if they died. Not 'cause you're an awful person but because you didn't have any connection to them. Then there's people you'd lay down and die for. People you can't live without or you feel like your soul was ripped in two. Ah guess Ah just wonder sometimes what makes a person worth that. Worth risking half your soul for." Maybe that sounded stupid. It made sense in his head though so he was going to assume it really did make sense.
Scoffing quietly, Kevin's voice turned wry. "Which 'this' are you talking about? 'Cause the 'this' Ah'm talking about gives me panic attacks, makes me forget to breathe, and made me faint once." He knew that was more than almost anyone knew about him right there. So why'd he tell Jay? Maybe he was just really trying to get his point across. It wasn't easy and it wasn't little. That small request Jay made drew Kevin's gaze over to his roommate in time for him to see the floor beside the swing where Jay was now laying patted. He never understood why Jay did stuff like that. Why he invited danger closer to him. Kevin was willing to bet Jay's brain may be malfunctioning. Clearly so was his own.
Kevin turned around and grabbed both his gloves off the top of the pile he'd dropped. He shoved them in his pocket because Jay had a tendency to do stupid things and it wasn't right to go anywhere near that boy without gloves. Even if Kevin wasn't necessarily the most likely to need them. With a sigh, he unfolded himself and stood up, stretching in an attempt to ease the kink in his back. Clearly, Kevin had officially gone insane. Despite that, or perhaps because of it, he walked silently over to the swing. Folding his legs beneath him, he sat almost exactly in the place where Jay had patted. His knees came up and Kevin's arms wrapped around them as he gave his roommate a curious look as if to ask "what now?" without the words.
"If singin' ya a lullaby is givin' somebody half my soul, then god help me cause Ah sang a lot o' songs fer people Ah don't care fer." Those were concerts though with fans, annoying bar managers and groupies who weren't really groupies but girls and guys that just liked to call themselves that. Jay stared at a vine that had climbed over the banister looking out onto the street. He admired it for what it was, and the shelter it provided. Shame it would die back down to the ground, only to regrow for next summer. If it only were that easy for dealing with people and resetting relationships. "So yer question is, why should Ah play fer someone Ah don't know? Maybe fer the love o' music. Or fer the love of 'em. Ah don't know – don't know what makes a person worthy. Maybe just cause they need it. Maybe that's all that Ah need ta play fer someone." He wanted to play because he liked to move people with his music.
Jay smiled back at Kevin though he made no immediate move to get up. "See? That wasn't so hard, now was it? Ya make everythin' sound like yer movin' mountains o' something." Yawning, he closed his eyes and shivered again, decided it was the cold that did it, instead of what was brewing between him and his roommate. He couldn't believe Kevin came over. Sitting up, Jay adjusted his wings before he pushed the swing back and carefully rested his hands on Kev's shoulders, urging him to turn away, exposing his back to Jay. He was careful. Very, very careful.
Kevin smiled a little, but the smile said what he was going to before his lips even parted, Jay wasn't getting it. Not really. "It wasn't about the lullaby. The question was never really about the lullaby. Just a mechanism for the question, Ah guess." If Jay couldn't figure it out after that Kevin wouldn't explain it. Some things could only be explained so much before their meaning became lost in the sea of words and it cheapened the intention. It wasn't about the lullaby or singing to someone or playing for them. It was just about the person. Just about them meaning enough for you to want to do those things. Just about them meaning enough for you to want to do anything. That's what Kevin didn't understand and what he was trying to figure out. He was pretty sure he'd never understand it though.
Ordinarily Kevin wouldn't have come over. He would have pulled his jacket on and huddled against the banister. He didn't know why now was different, it just was. Jay making it sound like he just blew things out of proportion made him look down at the ground. It was stupid to everyone else, that's what those words told him. He didn't think he'd ever be able to explain it. Mind-numbing fear. Staring at the ground eased his tension a little and he hadn't even noticed Jay sit up. Not until he felt hands on his shoulders. Swallowing hard enough that he could hear it in his head, Kevin did what the hands wanted him to. He was scared if he didn't Jay would touch his skin and then he'd lose his hands. He'd never be able to play again. Kevin couldn't take something like that away from a person. Once repositioned where Jay wanted him, Kevin took a deep breath. "How you know Ah'm not? Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there," his voice came out shaky, uncertain, scared. His entire body had curled up on itself with Jay's touch. If he was tense before then he didn't even have words for what he was now. His face was buried in his knees by time the soft trembling started. It began in his shoulders and moved down his back. He wasn't crying. He was terrified Jay was going to get hurt.
He knew what Kevin meant, but playing the fool to see how far he would go to explain it. It seemed Kev didn't want to go too far with his explanation, remaining as vague as he could. Jay decided not to respond yet. Instead, his fingers lightly trailed down Kevin's spine, slowly pressing into his muscles through the t shirt and back up again. This was done a few times before spreading his hands out and allowing himself to touch the curve of his torso, the backstraps climbings in between the shoulder blades and back up to the shoulders. Jay lightly whistled. "Yer as rigid as a board Kev. Ya don't like ma touch huh?" And when the trembling started, his palms flattened, only to drag the reminiscence nails to the sides.
It was like handling a new born bird. He had to be careful where he touched, handling his roommate with care while trying not to get bitten. He didn't want to scare him away, and did not want to see his arm turn to dust either. That was the only problem with this, the scary mutation couldn't be less painful if he wanted it to.
"An' ta answer yer question, Ah play fer myself. Everyone else is just a spectator. Except when someone comes inta ma life that gives me more than a reason fer myself. When they make the words, then Ah'll play fer em. That's when they earn it." He wasn't sure how much sense that made to someone who wasn't a musician but he hoped Kevin understood somewhat.
The trembling never stopped, but it at least didn't grow any more intense. With his eyes closed he painted colors behind his eye lids wherever Jay's hands touched. Streaks of color followed the paths his hands took, painting for Kevin and making him calm a little. It didn't help any of his knotted tension and it didn't ease the trembling, but it did help smooth his breathing. He hadn't realized he'd stopped and he hadn't noticed how jerky it had been when he'd restarted. Slowly now his breathing began the journey back to normal, as difficult as that seemed to be. "It's not tha--" he cut himself off in slight frustration with himself. "There's a risk and it's always there. It doesn't go away. And careful isn't always enough," his voice was muffled with his face still buried in his knees but Kevin was trying to speak loud enough to be heard.
"Ah don't want you to get hurt." There was a change in his tone when he said that. It was small but it was there. Despite all the other times he had said he didn't want Jay to get hurt it never meant more than Jay was a person and Kevin was dangerous to people. He didn't want anyone to be hurt by him and so Jay was included in that by default. When he said it now there was tone change. It wasn't a generalization anymore. It was specific. It was Jay he didn't want to hurt. No longer was it a person he didn't want to be hurt, it was Jay specifically. Kevin noticed the change in his voice but he didn't know what caused it or where it came from. He thought up a half dozen reasons but none of them felt like the truth.
Jay's explanation didn't really make much sense. Kevin thought he sort of figured some sense out of some of it, but the rest he chalked up to being a musician thing. Shifting so he could stare at the floor, Kevin noticed something red by his side. Reaching down with one hand his finger brushed along one edge of the feather. It didn't turn to ash; his mood was calm enough and the gesture quick enough that mostly the edges were just singed. It made him smile a little anyway.
Jay smiled to himself while his hands moved rhythmically over Kev's muscles again and again. If the trembling got worse, he got more creative in ways to make his roommate shiver and squirm beneath his touch. He noticed the change in tone too, gone from an uncaring generalization to something more specific and though he wanted to look more into it he refused to because that would be just cruel to himself. He didn't need any of that self-inflicted punishment. Then what was he doing here? "Ah think its that ya don' wanna offend me but cha don' want me to be touching ya either cause ya don't like me." Removing his hands, he recoiled them onto his lap, letting his knees be the only thing touching Kevin's torso. "Cause I regenerate so..." So him touching Kevin shouldn't mean, or do, anything at all.
The trembling eased and stopped when physical contact was broken. Just when Kevin thought he was starting to be okay with it, get used to it, remember what it was like for it to not be a big, earth-shattering deal. There was something in the way Jay spoke, too. Something in his tone that Kevin didn't like. It wasn't in that way that upset him, not really. It was in that way that made him worry. He turned around slowly, giving Jay a curious look. Taking a very deep breath, he made a decision. Glancing down at the knee that had been pressed against his back before turning he visually guesstimated that was definitely material that was going to crumble if his skin touched it. Pulling one of the long gloves out of his pocket, he laid it over Jay's knee so he could then lay his arm over the glove's material and then folded his other arm atop that, followed by his chin resting on his arms.
Kevin's heart was in his throat but he had to try to be normal, right? Try or it wouldn't happen. It was hard and it freaked him out and he wanted more than anything to just run away, but he got the feeling he'd hurt Jay's feelings somehow and he didn't like that. Stubborn could win out over freaked out, that much he knew. Kevin was nothing if not stubborn as all hell. "Why would you say that? Or even think that?" If Kevin didn't like Jay why would he even bother talking to him? Sure, Jay frustrated him like no one else could, but he was a good guy over all. "You regenerate, but you don't know what'll happen if Ah touch you. Ah don't either, but Ah've already watched someone die because of me and Ah don't mean to be doing that again, okay?" He really, really didn't like bringing up his father, but it had bearing on the situation. Just the mention made his eyes water, though. "You might not regenerate as well as you think you do." Kevin didn't even want to risk touching people like Monet or Marius, who should be able to deal with his touch without any detrimental effect to them, or at the very most a delayed one, or so he was told.
Jay returned the curious look with his own flat one. His fingers laced through each other and he would have pulled one leg up had Kevin not done what he did. It was Jay's turn to hold his breath. He felt like he was going to choke, being so close to his roommate like this. It wasn't just Jay touching Kevin anymore but Kevin reaching out to touch him. He felt like it was a pivotal moment and though he didn't react, it didn't mean he didn't want to. He craved to reach out and touch, to brush their skin together intimately. He wanted to touch but he wouldn't, couldn't. It was like the forbidden was all the more alluring the longer they sat there, mere pieces of fabric separating that carress he yearned.
"Just cause," he shrugged, and averted his eyes. If Kevin didn't like him, would he be so close? Jay wanted to confess to him, but how would he take it? Would he still linger like he was now? Probably not. There was that threat of being close and having it wretched away from him abruptly. It hurt to think that Kevin would separate himself, even though Jay didn't know him all that well. Rejection wasn't a stranger, slapping him back into reality every once in awhile. On more then one occasion. "Ah know how well Ah regenerate, Thank you very much," he quipped, impatience with himself and annoyance with Kevin for suggesting Jay couldn't regenerate. He was tempted to prove him wrong, except self preservation deemed it unwise to do so – he wouldn't get out of it unmarred. And he wasn't exactly keen on S&M. "Lemmie up, Ah'm tired," he said. He didn't really want to get up but his feelings were hurt, and he blamed it on not enough sleep. He couldn't physically remove Kevin, thus, was held hostage himself until his roommate moved.
Something was up. Even Kevin, king of oblivion, was picking up on that much. "That wasn't an answer," though his voice was gentle, his eyes held the challenge. It wasn't fair that Jay got to push his buttons and got to try to stretch Kevin's boundaries and then avoid questions. It didn't work like that. If he was going to see just how much it would take to induce another panic attack in Kevin again then he could answer a question. Sometimes it amazed Kevin any of his old personality lingered at all, but right now he was being reminded a little of the person he had once been. He hadn't ever been the smartest person in the world, but he used to be close to fearless. Especially with people. Jay's own words echoed back in Kevin's head, Cause yer a risk taker? Nah, that ain't it. Maybe that really was it.
When Jay wanted to be let up Kevin decided he wasn't going to let him go anywhere. Right now his body was twisted so he could look at Jay, his eyes hadn't yet left his roommates face. Stubborn was doing him well tonight, it seemed. He spun around, keeping Jay where he was with his arms on that one knee, then hooked his leg around Jay's ankle, making it harder if he wanted escape. "Point's you regenerate, Jay. You've gotta degenerate first. If that wasn't the point then you wouldn't be so careful too, would you?" His chin lifted off his arms and for a moment it looked like he was going to let Jay up. The top arm slid off the other and his chin went back to setting on the remaining arm. He reached up toward Jay, his upturned palm hovering in the air a few inches in front of his chest. Kevin's eyes never left the eyes that were no longer looking at him. "You so convinced? Test it. Ah'm right here. Touch me. Ah don't know if it hurts. Far as Ah'm told Ah act like a catalyst, triggering your own body's decomposition even though you're not dead. Cells break down to start. Ah'd assume it'd be painful but no one's ever stayed calm enough for me to know if it was pain making them scream or panic." Yet another thing no one else knew. As far as anyone knew his father had been the only person who'd ever been victim to his mutation, he just told Jay otherwise. "So either you actually admit Ah'm dangerous and Ah've got a point, or touch me and test how regenerative you are." There was something about his own voice Kevin didn't get. He sounded so calm. His heart was racing and trying to beat its way out of his stomach, but he wasn't trembling and he was remembering to breathe. Stubborn wins out.
"Don't like havin' yer own schemes thrown back at ya, do ya?" he said, more annoyed now then anything. Kevin was dodgy when Jay asked questions, and it was like pulling teeth to get a straight forward answer. Now he refused to answer that question Kevin asked, and he went to shift, or slide out of Kevin's hold, but that leg hooked his ankle. He felt like his heart suddenly picked up and couldn't figure out if he liked to be intertwined like this. Apart of him said not because it was bordering dangerous, and he wanted to keep himself in one piece. But there was something in Kevin's eyes, when Jay finally lookedat him, something that made him nervous.
His eyes narrowed. "Ah'll tell ya what ya are – a big jerk. Get off 'o me." Jay didn't move, and where he should have liked to be this close to his heartthrob, the taunt was sounding less like a dare and appearing to be more like a threat. His stomach sunk in and Jay realized he was gripping the side of the swing, with his spine pressed against the backing. "Ah'm sure it fuckin' hurts. Now get off." He remembered crystal clear when Tommy beat him mercilessly. It didn't stop hurting even if he could regenerate and assumed that if Kevin touched him, it would be ten times worse then merely breaking a bone.
Kevin was not moving. He showed no such inclination at all. What he did do was smile. It was a strange reaction even to himself, but Kevin supposed he liked the fact that someone other than just him was squirming in this relationship for once. No fair always being the bait and never being the one fishing. That half smile looked almost more like a smirk. "Name one question Ah didn't answer and you want a straight answer for and Ah'll do it. But if Ah do then you still gotta answer me." He wasn't sure if the answer was that important. Honestly, Kevin couldn't figure out what would have made Jay say that about him not liking him in the first place. While he was curious about the answer, the genuine answer, right now it was just about making Jay cop to something he clearly didn't want to.
"You ever think," he started conversationally, letting his hand drop down so it rested on the ground between Jay's feet, "there's more reasons Ah don't want anyone touching me than just hurting them?" It was slow to trickle in, but once it had to look was rather obvious. Kevin's eyes held a soft disappointment in them. Once the feeling made its way from his eyes to his heart he dropped his gaze to Jay's thigh, staring at the pattern in the material that covered his skin. "You ever have one of those days where you're so dehydrated you'd just about cut off your own foot for some water but as close as you get is staring at it through a window? It's sorta like that. Only all the time." His hand dangled off Jay's leg, down between them and that hand helped pull the glove quietly on his other arm before that hand went back to rest on the ground, drawing patterns there.
He couldn't think of any questions that weren't answered though given, Jay never asked that many. He liked to find things out the practical way, not the verbal. The fact that Kevin had killed not once, but more then that was scary, and Jay wanted to know just how many. He was sure Kevin was keeping count, because someone with a mutation like that would always keep count of the people they killed. Especially since it was a mutation that invoked a scream from their victims. Or accidents, depending on who was looking at it.
"How many screams haunt ya at night?" he asked, attempting to draw the interrogation away from him. Though he immediately regretted asking it when Kevin revealed just how lonely he really was. He relaxed significantly as the had dropped away from his chest, prying his fingers off the seat and ran a hand through his hair. He shouldn't have asked that. It was the wrong thingto do and sounded cruel from his own mouth, even though he told himself he hadn't meant to be that way. He didn't like people prying into his life, nor his thoughts. "Shit, Ah'm sorry. Ah—" he what? "That was wrong o' me ta ask. It ain't ma business." Now he felt like he had to make up for it, for being insensitive. The answer Kevin wanted didn't seem so bad in light of what Jay said. "Ah'm gay an' that's why." Why he didn't think Kevn would want to touch him.
The rhythmic breathing of the others should have put Jay to sleep. Instead, he lay on his side, as comfortable as he could get on the floor, staring at the framed pictures on the wall. It wasn't the first night he had woken up, unable to sleep. The first question that came to mind - were the others asleep or were they having a restless night as he was? One glance to the bed told him that they were sleeping soundly and Jay got up to go to the washroom. He didn't bother turning on the light, nor locking the door and after the flush of the toilet, he washed his hands and face. He checked the mirror and even in the darkness, could see the faint lines of bags hanging under his eyes.
Sighing, he returned to the room to lay back down. Kevin's blanket had been released earlier on, due to the guy needing it, though one of his pillows still remained hostage. Glancing to the end of the bed, he studied the feet of someone else laying on the floor, but was out of his line of sight. They too were sleeping heavily, and Jay rolled over to see if he could get comfortable again, only to see another set of eyes open, staring at him.
Kevin wasn't even really staring at Jay, he wasn't staring at anything at the moment. His eyes were unfocused and he was trying to slow his heart beat currently, all other things took a back seat in his attention to doing that. It had been the same nightmare he always had. It wasn't as bad this time, Kevin had managed to wake himself up before his father was a pile of ashes or even before the decay had spread too far up his arms, though at the time everything had been instantaneous feeling. It wasn't, it had taken about ten minutes in all, though in his nightmare sometimes time sped and sometime it slowed, but always he was helpless and always reality got to win out.
Sleep was not going to be reclaimed tonight. All Kevin could focus on now was all the bodies around him and how dangerous he was to them. His own body seemed to be confused between wanting to tremble and wanting to fold its tension up around him until he was a tight knot. Not even taking the time to realize whether or not anyone else was awake, Kevin untangled himself from his blanket, got up, grabbed his jacket and headed out the door, though he wasn't sure where he was headed. The kitchen maybe? Outside maybe? Anywhere that wasn't populated, likely. He wasn't even sure what time it was.
His vision was poor in the dark, and it seemed like Kevin was staring at him for a long time before suddenly getting up and abruptly walking out. What was that all about? Sliding the blankets off him, Jay stood up quietly and was careful not to bump anyone on the way out. He didn't grab for his jacket, but walked bare shirted downstairs, catching up to Kevin in the hallway.
"Hey," he said, reaching out by habit to grab Kevin's shirt, but he didn't quite make it, recoiling his hand with hesitation. Impulse made him reach out. Stupidity would have grabbed his roommate but quick common sense kept him from making that mistake. "Ya'light?" he asked, concerned but not overly so. "Kinda late, ain't it?"
"Huh?" Kevin was still carrying the jacket, not wearing it yet, and the voice had made him jump. His movement felt as stiff as his back and neck were, though he had no idea if he was imagining that or if it was really how he was moving. He turned slowly, pivoting around on the balls of his feet to see Jay there. Kevin looked confused for a moment. "Yeah, probably. Ah don't know what time it is." It seemed the accent had stayed with him from the dream. He could hear himself and his father echoing in his head and it had snapped him back into that soft, Georgian accent he never used anymore.
Shaking his head to clear the sleep-induce fog in his brain, he finally asked the obvious, "Why're you up?" Kevin had conveniently not answered Jay about whether or not he was okay.
"It's late an' that's all ya need ta know." Jay didn't really know what time it was, but he figured it was around one, two or three. Those hours were the worse times to be awake, like time crawled until you fell asleep. If you fell asleep. Scratching at his elbow, he shrugged. "Ah dunno. Just can't sleep. Floor ain't exactly comfy, not with wings anyways." Looking back up the stairs, he fell silent, listening to the quiet sounds of the others. Someone was snoring like a banshee, and he pitied the people who slept in the same room.
Shifting on his feet, he scratched the inside of his elbow again, the skin tough and tight. He would have liked to put some lotion on it, just to soothe that feeling, but didn't have any on hand to do so. "Why're ya up?" he prompted, There wasn't any reason for them to be up, but he could ask. Maybe Kevin was still being skittish.
Kevin glanced at Jay's wings when they were mentioned. He tried to imagine what it would be like to have to sleep with them on the floor. Probably damn irritating now that he thought about it. He had a vague thought about how mean it was for wings to be crunched together on the hard floor and it made him frown for just a moment before the expression fled his features. His focus moved to a window as if it would help him decipher the time. It didn't. Dead of night, that's all he could come up with. The air had the thickness that true night brought, the shroud of silence when no other humans were stirring.
Bringing his attention back to his roommate, Kevin shook his head a little again to clear it of thoughts. His mind was buzzing. "A dream woke me up, " he explained softly, his usual volume having dipped down near a whisper. Purposely he did not use the word nightmare. "Things Ah'd rather not remember. That's all. Ah just needed to...." his eyes flicked beyond Jay toward the room they'd come from, "there's too many people in there. Ah can't breathe."
Through the darkness of the hallway, Jay studied Kevin's eyes, dark and haunting, like the depth within them held back so much, had been through so much despite where he stood now, surrounded by so many like him. Or at least similar to him. He looked shaken, caged and confined in the surrounding walls. He didn't have the comfort to get away from them, to crawl back into his hole of a bedroom and drown himself in his misery. Jay didn't know what to say to him, instead, reaching up again to just touch him, as if to still him. He forgot again. Stilling his hand, he dropped it away from his roommate and left for the living room.
A minute later, Jay returned with his guitar in hand, and headed for the front porch. His light footsteps padded across the carpeted flooring, feathers falling in his wake in passing the other rooms. He paused at the door before moving out into the chill of the night. Either Kevin would follow, or he would stay inside the house. The air kissed his cheeks and bit at his skin. Clenching his teeth together, he tolerated it. He would have to get a jacket in a few minutes, but the cold, autumn air was refreshing, reminding him of when he sat outside the house and played on the steps of the porch. He did a similar thing here, except there was a swing outside and tucking a leg under him, he took a seat.
Adjusting his seat, he plucked at a few strings, testing the sound and adjusting one or two knobs before picking up a light quiet tune. He didn't sing.
Kevin had watched Jay carefully now that the rest of the fog was lifting from his mind. His brows had knit together incrementally, the confusion etching itself onto his features slowly. Kevin never understood that. He didn't understand what Jay's fascination with touching him seemed to be. What he understood less was why he was now stopping himself when before he'd purposely done it almost as if proving he could. The contradiction just made Kevin confused.
Jay came back, guitar in hand, and walked down the hall. Kevin watched the feathers falling and watched his roommate go through the door but he still didn't move. He'd meant it when he said he couldn't breathe. Despite the fact that this was not home and it was not safe, Kevin couldn't stand being so swaddled in clothing. Normally he got a reprieve at night, but not while he was here. Dropping his jacket to the ground, Kevin pulled off both his shirts, then his gloves before pulling just the thin, black tee shirt back on. Gathering up the discarded shirt, gloves and jacket, he finally followed Jay out to the porch.
The air was cold and it seemed to blow straight through Kevin, but the chill was welcome. It reminded him that he was alive in a way that heat never did. It was hard for heat to affect him much when he was always layered in cloth, but cold was a change. Cold was new and Kevin closed his eyes to it for a moment. All of that discarded cloth was dropped near the banister of the stairs where Kevin decided to sit. He listened to Jay play and stared at his hands, wondering if he'd forgotten what they actually looked like. "Why do you do that?" He didn't specify and didn't care to unless Jay asked. It was the almost touch he was referring to, though even Kevin didn't know if he was asking why Jay reached out, or why he didn't follow through.
With his head inclined, he was almost through the song when Kevin came out. He glanced up briefly. Behind the bangs hiding his eyes, he took in his roommate again and was surprised by the clothing Kevin had shed. "Why Kev," he started in a quiet voice. "Yer almost nakid. Tryin' ta seduce me?" He blushed after he made the comment, yet hid behind his hair, stopping the song, and checking another string. Even if it had been a joke. "Ya come out 'ere fer a lullaby?" he teased.
With a leg touching the ground, Jay pushed on the swing while he tried out another song. It was short, a lot slower then the last and spoke of a silent melancholy between the boys. He would have liked to have some lyrics, though Jay often had songs written without. He felt there was someone who could fill that gap, that a muse would come along and inspire him. He waited for that muse now, and it seemed to be in Kevin.
Breaking away from the song, he paused, leaning on the guitar and interlocking his hands. "Do what?" he asked in his thick southern accent. Having no idea what Kev was talking about, Jay managed to look fairly blank to the question being asked.
Jay's reaction to Kevin's exposed skin actually made him smile ever so slightly. It was just the tugging of one corner of his mouth upward, but it happened and it didn't disappear immediately either. The expression seemed to like being on his face and Kevin didn't much have the heart to even fight his own expression tonight. He was still staring at his hands, trying to memorize them in case he never really saw them again. "Ah don't think Ah'd be any good at seducing if Ah tried it," he replied quietly. He wasn't even sure Jay could hear him as the guitar was actually louder than his voice was currently. "Lullabies are supposed to soothe, put you to sleep. Ah wouldn't want you wasting one on me. 'Sides, Ah thought Ah wasn't worthy?" He hadn't forgotten that mouthed word from earlier, maybe, when he had joked about it. The response just confused him though so Kevin chose not to think about it.
The newer song Kevin liked more. It seemed to fit his mood. It helped the darkness of the night wrap around him and while Kevin knew he should have been cold he simply felt like he could actually feel something for once. Maybe that was just because of his exposed arms and the breeze softly licking across them. Sometimes he forgot how much he didn't feel. It was a useful habit until he reminded himself things had texture and temperature and he couldn't remember what any of it felt like anymore. Tactile memory could be lost, it seemed. He never would have considered that before. Who would as long as they could still feel things beneath their fingertips?
The question had only brought a shrug from Kevin. Damn, now he had to figure out which one he meant. Maybe he meant both. "Ah dunno. Touch me and then stop before you touch me. Ah'm not asking for another panic attack, don't get me wrong. Just seemed weird, is all. You go out of your way to prove you can and then when you almost do again you stop yourself. Ah just wondered why." Without the music to compete with the wind carried Kevin's soft, nearly undetectable accent on the air, a harmony of soft vowels amidst otherwise uninflected speech.
He was smiling, and Kevin was smiling. The moment didn't pass like most moments did. Instead it lingered, and Jay found himself warmed by it. He hadn't felt good in awhile, not like this. Yet as he felt good about it, so did he ache for something else. Something perfect. Kevin didn't seem to know what he wanted and the seducing comment was left alone. He wasn't pushing for anything, didn't want to, but the hopeless romantic in him wanted desperately to pave a road to someone's heart. He just wasn't sure if Kevin was that person. "Ah don' think it'd be a waste, per se. But yer right. How do Ah know yer even worthy o' that? Maybe ya could give me a reason?" He didn't really expect one, but it was fun to pull Kev around like this.
It made him uncomfortable that Kev stared at his hands so long. Like there was the infamous blood on the hands that couldn't be washed off. In this case, he thought it was the mutation that caused the forlorn expression. It seemed sadder than it had in other times he saw Kevin in passing. Jay didn't ask because his roommate probably didn't want to tell him, and there were some things best left unsaid.
Twice he was surprised tonight. He hadn't expected that question, and sat quietly, considering his answer. Instead, he started to play some music, a random, quiet tune over and over. He didn't like the silence between them, like they were the only ones awake at this house. He was hopeful as much as he was ashamed that Kevin asked his question like he, himself, was hopeful. "Are ya sure ya don't want me ta touch you?" he asked faintly, music working effortlessly to fill the void between them.
Kevin shrugged, the gesture taking its time to complete itself. It didn't seem any more rushed than Kevin did about things tonight. Sometimes slow was better. Sometimes taking the time to think or look or feel was better. It was strange the way shutting yourself down sometimes opened yourself up. He wasn't really sure what shut and what opened but he knew he wasn't processing things like he usually did. "What makes a person worth it?" His inquiry was soft and sincere. It was something he didn't often think about because it wasn't ever something he could have. Why bother then, right? He wasn't masochistic. "Ah can't think of anything that'd make me worth it. Like Ah said, Ah wouldn't want you wasting your lullabies on me."
Music started again, swallowing some of the silence. Kevin closed his eyes, trying to decide if he preferred the music or silence. He was fond of silence, the echo of the air and the rustling of the leaves. He wouldn't complain about the music, though. It was pretty. Jay's question made Kevin look over his shoulder at the winged musician. His eyes first went to Jay and then to his wings. Glancing back down at his hands, Kevin thought he finally figured out what the fascination with always watching the wings was. It caused the other side of his mouth to tug upward and join the first so a gentle smile fully played across his lips.
The actual answer to the question wasn't very simple. Did he want Jay to touch him? No. Yes. Yes, but he couldn't handle it. No, because he couldn't handle the risk. Yes because he wanted it. No because he wasn't meant to have it. Yes because he wanted to feel something. No because it would never mean what he wanted someone touching him to mean. The conflict chased itself across his face, most easily seen in his eyes. He settled for simply saying, "Ah wouldn't want to hurt you." It was perhaps only a partial truth but it was a truth nonetheless.
"Depends." His fingers slid up the strings and stopped the tune abruptly. It was like fingernails scratching a blackboard and broke the moment between them, but Jay wasn't sure he wanted that moment, did he? It was the wrong time for this, he told himself. They were on the porch alone, no one awake in the house and the ambiance of the night enticing them to lower their voices into whispers. Neither of them wanted to commit to anything, fears set into them like a second skin, and Jay leaned back against his wings, noticing the glance to the pair on his back. Again. Kevin's fascination with the red feathers, with his body. The look lifted goose bumps on his arms and a shiver slipped up his spine.
"Ya wouldn't hurt me," he said. Not physically because Jay wouldn't let it happen, but emotionally, anyone could hurt him. Someone had hurt him and he was still not over that. He liked to think he was and dreamed of moments between himself and another guy, but this was far from what he imagined - how close, yet distant Kevin was being. "That wasn't an answer. Wha do ya want then?" he asked, setting his guitar aside on the ground beneath the swing. Stretching out on his stomach, Jay tucked an arm under his head, and hung the other arm freely off the side. His feet dangled above, crossing in between his red wings that seemed very intrusive where he lay.
Kevin let the one word hang in the air, thinking about how it wasn't actually an answer. After long moments of letting it echo in his head he finally shrugged and let the sound drop from his mind. Belatedly he cringed at the sound the guitar had made and wrapped his arms around his knees, trying to hold himself in closer. "You don't actually have to answer. Ah was just wondering. Not specific to that, really, sort of in a bigger sense. But you're here so why not ask, right?" Something about his tone betrayed that sense of morbid curiosity to himself and he wondered if Jay heard it too. People always wanted to know what it was like, having things they could not. Rich people wondered about being poor, poor people wondered about being rich. Kevin wondered about being worth someone's heart. It hadn't ever really been the lullaby he was asking about, but there wasn't really any reason for him to clarify that.
How could Jay ever be so sure he wouldn't get hurt? Kevin hurt nearly everyone he touched, or who touched him. Chakra's screams echoed mirthlessly in his mind and he had to close his eyes to chase the memory away. Setting his chin on his knees, he stared out at the street. Peaceful. Silent. Vacant. Vaguely he wondered if death was like that, an empty street in the middle of the night, lovingly wrapped in silence but carelessly discarded by the people nearby. No, Kevin hadn't answered the question. He wasn't sure he was man enough to fully answer it and do so honestly. "Ah want a lot of things," he finally replied quietly, the melancholy fully creeping into his tone for the first time. It was an emotion he always carried around with him, something that both weighed him down and tied him to the earth. Grounded in so many ways by that one feeling. "Can't have none of them so it's best not to think about." But he was thinking anyway and it just made him sadder. Kevin tried hard not to feel sorry for himself but it was hard during the night when there weren't any distractions from reality.
Jay flattened his palm against the floor boards of the porch and smoothed over it while he thought about what he was going to say. Usually his mouth was functioning before his brain could catch up, but here time stood still, and he wasn't in any rush to answer. It seemed to him that the longer he took to answer, the more Kevin revealed about himself and his thoughts. It was like a dance, a game between them and Jay couldn't figure out when the game had started. "Ah don' know what yer talkin' 'bout. Bigger sense? Wha'd ya mean?" He had a feeling he knew what it meant, but wanted to hear it to be sure. No one liked to put their heart out there, just in case someone laughed.
"This ain't that big o' a deal." Even as he said it, he knew it to be a lie. Touching was a big deal, a sign of many things in life. People touched for comfort; for pleasure and for pain. They touched because a gesture spoke volumes, confessed truths and obliterated lies. It made the blind see and the deaf talk. It made Jay long to be touched again, and if he felt this way, he could only imagine how Kevin felt ten fold. "C'mere." He patted the ground next to his hand, not bothering to move from where he was, just in case Kev didn't come. Jay wasn't going to chase him.
The problem with being vague is that people didn't know what you were talking about. It was just fine if a person was trying to avoid saying something like Kevin was, but it caused problems when the person on the receiving end of the fuzzy signal asked questions so the picture came into better view. He continued to stare at the street, deciding if he was going to answer or not. Secrets seemed safer in the dark. Part of his mind had shut down when he'd woken up and Kevin was pretty sure now it was definitely his censor button that was on malfunction. There was no other reason he could think of that would make him decide to clarify. "Just in the bigger sense of being worth it, Ah guess. Y'know, there are people you wouldn't waste a second thought on if they died. Not 'cause you're an awful person but because you didn't have any connection to them. Then there's people you'd lay down and die for. People you can't live without or you feel like your soul was ripped in two. Ah guess Ah just wonder sometimes what makes a person worth that. Worth risking half your soul for." Maybe that sounded stupid. It made sense in his head though so he was going to assume it really did make sense.
Scoffing quietly, Kevin's voice turned wry. "Which 'this' are you talking about? 'Cause the 'this' Ah'm talking about gives me panic attacks, makes me forget to breathe, and made me faint once." He knew that was more than almost anyone knew about him right there. So why'd he tell Jay? Maybe he was just really trying to get his point across. It wasn't easy and it wasn't little. That small request Jay made drew Kevin's gaze over to his roommate in time for him to see the floor beside the swing where Jay was now laying patted. He never understood why Jay did stuff like that. Why he invited danger closer to him. Kevin was willing to bet Jay's brain may be malfunctioning. Clearly so was his own.
Kevin turned around and grabbed both his gloves off the top of the pile he'd dropped. He shoved them in his pocket because Jay had a tendency to do stupid things and it wasn't right to go anywhere near that boy without gloves. Even if Kevin wasn't necessarily the most likely to need them. With a sigh, he unfolded himself and stood up, stretching in an attempt to ease the kink in his back. Clearly, Kevin had officially gone insane. Despite that, or perhaps because of it, he walked silently over to the swing. Folding his legs beneath him, he sat almost exactly in the place where Jay had patted. His knees came up and Kevin's arms wrapped around them as he gave his roommate a curious look as if to ask "what now?" without the words.
"If singin' ya a lullaby is givin' somebody half my soul, then god help me cause Ah sang a lot o' songs fer people Ah don't care fer." Those were concerts though with fans, annoying bar managers and groupies who weren't really groupies but girls and guys that just liked to call themselves that. Jay stared at a vine that had climbed over the banister looking out onto the street. He admired it for what it was, and the shelter it provided. Shame it would die back down to the ground, only to regrow for next summer. If it only were that easy for dealing with people and resetting relationships. "So yer question is, why should Ah play fer someone Ah don't know? Maybe fer the love o' music. Or fer the love of 'em. Ah don't know – don't know what makes a person worthy. Maybe just cause they need it. Maybe that's all that Ah need ta play fer someone." He wanted to play because he liked to move people with his music.
Jay smiled back at Kevin though he made no immediate move to get up. "See? That wasn't so hard, now was it? Ya make everythin' sound like yer movin' mountains o' something." Yawning, he closed his eyes and shivered again, decided it was the cold that did it, instead of what was brewing between him and his roommate. He couldn't believe Kevin came over. Sitting up, Jay adjusted his wings before he pushed the swing back and carefully rested his hands on Kev's shoulders, urging him to turn away, exposing his back to Jay. He was careful. Very, very careful.
Kevin smiled a little, but the smile said what he was going to before his lips even parted, Jay wasn't getting it. Not really. "It wasn't about the lullaby. The question was never really about the lullaby. Just a mechanism for the question, Ah guess." If Jay couldn't figure it out after that Kevin wouldn't explain it. Some things could only be explained so much before their meaning became lost in the sea of words and it cheapened the intention. It wasn't about the lullaby or singing to someone or playing for them. It was just about the person. Just about them meaning enough for you to want to do those things. Just about them meaning enough for you to want to do anything. That's what Kevin didn't understand and what he was trying to figure out. He was pretty sure he'd never understand it though.
Ordinarily Kevin wouldn't have come over. He would have pulled his jacket on and huddled against the banister. He didn't know why now was different, it just was. Jay making it sound like he just blew things out of proportion made him look down at the ground. It was stupid to everyone else, that's what those words told him. He didn't think he'd ever be able to explain it. Mind-numbing fear. Staring at the ground eased his tension a little and he hadn't even noticed Jay sit up. Not until he felt hands on his shoulders. Swallowing hard enough that he could hear it in his head, Kevin did what the hands wanted him to. He was scared if he didn't Jay would touch his skin and then he'd lose his hands. He'd never be able to play again. Kevin couldn't take something like that away from a person. Once repositioned where Jay wanted him, Kevin took a deep breath. "How you know Ah'm not? Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there," his voice came out shaky, uncertain, scared. His entire body had curled up on itself with Jay's touch. If he was tense before then he didn't even have words for what he was now. His face was buried in his knees by time the soft trembling started. It began in his shoulders and moved down his back. He wasn't crying. He was terrified Jay was going to get hurt.
He knew what Kevin meant, but playing the fool to see how far he would go to explain it. It seemed Kev didn't want to go too far with his explanation, remaining as vague as he could. Jay decided not to respond yet. Instead, his fingers lightly trailed down Kevin's spine, slowly pressing into his muscles through the t shirt and back up again. This was done a few times before spreading his hands out and allowing himself to touch the curve of his torso, the backstraps climbings in between the shoulder blades and back up to the shoulders. Jay lightly whistled. "Yer as rigid as a board Kev. Ya don't like ma touch huh?" And when the trembling started, his palms flattened, only to drag the reminiscence nails to the sides.
It was like handling a new born bird. He had to be careful where he touched, handling his roommate with care while trying not to get bitten. He didn't want to scare him away, and did not want to see his arm turn to dust either. That was the only problem with this, the scary mutation couldn't be less painful if he wanted it to.
"An' ta answer yer question, Ah play fer myself. Everyone else is just a spectator. Except when someone comes inta ma life that gives me more than a reason fer myself. When they make the words, then Ah'll play fer em. That's when they earn it." He wasn't sure how much sense that made to someone who wasn't a musician but he hoped Kevin understood somewhat.
The trembling never stopped, but it at least didn't grow any more intense. With his eyes closed he painted colors behind his eye lids wherever Jay's hands touched. Streaks of color followed the paths his hands took, painting for Kevin and making him calm a little. It didn't help any of his knotted tension and it didn't ease the trembling, but it did help smooth his breathing. He hadn't realized he'd stopped and he hadn't noticed how jerky it had been when he'd restarted. Slowly now his breathing began the journey back to normal, as difficult as that seemed to be. "It's not tha--" he cut himself off in slight frustration with himself. "There's a risk and it's always there. It doesn't go away. And careful isn't always enough," his voice was muffled with his face still buried in his knees but Kevin was trying to speak loud enough to be heard.
"Ah don't want you to get hurt." There was a change in his tone when he said that. It was small but it was there. Despite all the other times he had said he didn't want Jay to get hurt it never meant more than Jay was a person and Kevin was dangerous to people. He didn't want anyone to be hurt by him and so Jay was included in that by default. When he said it now there was tone change. It wasn't a generalization anymore. It was specific. It was Jay he didn't want to hurt. No longer was it a person he didn't want to be hurt, it was Jay specifically. Kevin noticed the change in his voice but he didn't know what caused it or where it came from. He thought up a half dozen reasons but none of them felt like the truth.
Jay's explanation didn't really make much sense. Kevin thought he sort of figured some sense out of some of it, but the rest he chalked up to being a musician thing. Shifting so he could stare at the floor, Kevin noticed something red by his side. Reaching down with one hand his finger brushed along one edge of the feather. It didn't turn to ash; his mood was calm enough and the gesture quick enough that mostly the edges were just singed. It made him smile a little anyway.
Jay smiled to himself while his hands moved rhythmically over Kev's muscles again and again. If the trembling got worse, he got more creative in ways to make his roommate shiver and squirm beneath his touch. He noticed the change in tone too, gone from an uncaring generalization to something more specific and though he wanted to look more into it he refused to because that would be just cruel to himself. He didn't need any of that self-inflicted punishment. Then what was he doing here? "Ah think its that ya don' wanna offend me but cha don' want me to be touching ya either cause ya don't like me." Removing his hands, he recoiled them onto his lap, letting his knees be the only thing touching Kevin's torso. "Cause I regenerate so..." So him touching Kevin shouldn't mean, or do, anything at all.
The trembling eased and stopped when physical contact was broken. Just when Kevin thought he was starting to be okay with it, get used to it, remember what it was like for it to not be a big, earth-shattering deal. There was something in the way Jay spoke, too. Something in his tone that Kevin didn't like. It wasn't in that way that upset him, not really. It was in that way that made him worry. He turned around slowly, giving Jay a curious look. Taking a very deep breath, he made a decision. Glancing down at the knee that had been pressed against his back before turning he visually guesstimated that was definitely material that was going to crumble if his skin touched it. Pulling one of the long gloves out of his pocket, he laid it over Jay's knee so he could then lay his arm over the glove's material and then folded his other arm atop that, followed by his chin resting on his arms.
Kevin's heart was in his throat but he had to try to be normal, right? Try or it wouldn't happen. It was hard and it freaked him out and he wanted more than anything to just run away, but he got the feeling he'd hurt Jay's feelings somehow and he didn't like that. Stubborn could win out over freaked out, that much he knew. Kevin was nothing if not stubborn as all hell. "Why would you say that? Or even think that?" If Kevin didn't like Jay why would he even bother talking to him? Sure, Jay frustrated him like no one else could, but he was a good guy over all. "You regenerate, but you don't know what'll happen if Ah touch you. Ah don't either, but Ah've already watched someone die because of me and Ah don't mean to be doing that again, okay?" He really, really didn't like bringing up his father, but it had bearing on the situation. Just the mention made his eyes water, though. "You might not regenerate as well as you think you do." Kevin didn't even want to risk touching people like Monet or Marius, who should be able to deal with his touch without any detrimental effect to them, or at the very most a delayed one, or so he was told.
Jay returned the curious look with his own flat one. His fingers laced through each other and he would have pulled one leg up had Kevin not done what he did. It was Jay's turn to hold his breath. He felt like he was going to choke, being so close to his roommate like this. It wasn't just Jay touching Kevin anymore but Kevin reaching out to touch him. He felt like it was a pivotal moment and though he didn't react, it didn't mean he didn't want to. He craved to reach out and touch, to brush their skin together intimately. He wanted to touch but he wouldn't, couldn't. It was like the forbidden was all the more alluring the longer they sat there, mere pieces of fabric separating that carress he yearned.
"Just cause," he shrugged, and averted his eyes. If Kevin didn't like him, would he be so close? Jay wanted to confess to him, but how would he take it? Would he still linger like he was now? Probably not. There was that threat of being close and having it wretched away from him abruptly. It hurt to think that Kevin would separate himself, even though Jay didn't know him all that well. Rejection wasn't a stranger, slapping him back into reality every once in awhile. On more then one occasion. "Ah know how well Ah regenerate, Thank you very much," he quipped, impatience with himself and annoyance with Kevin for suggesting Jay couldn't regenerate. He was tempted to prove him wrong, except self preservation deemed it unwise to do so – he wouldn't get out of it unmarred. And he wasn't exactly keen on S&M. "Lemmie up, Ah'm tired," he said. He didn't really want to get up but his feelings were hurt, and he blamed it on not enough sleep. He couldn't physically remove Kevin, thus, was held hostage himself until his roommate moved.
Something was up. Even Kevin, king of oblivion, was picking up on that much. "That wasn't an answer," though his voice was gentle, his eyes held the challenge. It wasn't fair that Jay got to push his buttons and got to try to stretch Kevin's boundaries and then avoid questions. It didn't work like that. If he was going to see just how much it would take to induce another panic attack in Kevin again then he could answer a question. Sometimes it amazed Kevin any of his old personality lingered at all, but right now he was being reminded a little of the person he had once been. He hadn't ever been the smartest person in the world, but he used to be close to fearless. Especially with people. Jay's own words echoed back in Kevin's head, Cause yer a risk taker? Nah, that ain't it. Maybe that really was it.
When Jay wanted to be let up Kevin decided he wasn't going to let him go anywhere. Right now his body was twisted so he could look at Jay, his eyes hadn't yet left his roommates face. Stubborn was doing him well tonight, it seemed. He spun around, keeping Jay where he was with his arms on that one knee, then hooked his leg around Jay's ankle, making it harder if he wanted escape. "Point's you regenerate, Jay. You've gotta degenerate first. If that wasn't the point then you wouldn't be so careful too, would you?" His chin lifted off his arms and for a moment it looked like he was going to let Jay up. The top arm slid off the other and his chin went back to setting on the remaining arm. He reached up toward Jay, his upturned palm hovering in the air a few inches in front of his chest. Kevin's eyes never left the eyes that were no longer looking at him. "You so convinced? Test it. Ah'm right here. Touch me. Ah don't know if it hurts. Far as Ah'm told Ah act like a catalyst, triggering your own body's decomposition even though you're not dead. Cells break down to start. Ah'd assume it'd be painful but no one's ever stayed calm enough for me to know if it was pain making them scream or panic." Yet another thing no one else knew. As far as anyone knew his father had been the only person who'd ever been victim to his mutation, he just told Jay otherwise. "So either you actually admit Ah'm dangerous and Ah've got a point, or touch me and test how regenerative you are." There was something about his own voice Kevin didn't get. He sounded so calm. His heart was racing and trying to beat its way out of his stomach, but he wasn't trembling and he was remembering to breathe. Stubborn wins out.
"Don't like havin' yer own schemes thrown back at ya, do ya?" he said, more annoyed now then anything. Kevin was dodgy when Jay asked questions, and it was like pulling teeth to get a straight forward answer. Now he refused to answer that question Kevin asked, and he went to shift, or slide out of Kevin's hold, but that leg hooked his ankle. He felt like his heart suddenly picked up and couldn't figure out if he liked to be intertwined like this. Apart of him said not because it was bordering dangerous, and he wanted to keep himself in one piece. But there was something in Kevin's eyes, when Jay finally lookedat him, something that made him nervous.
His eyes narrowed. "Ah'll tell ya what ya are – a big jerk. Get off 'o me." Jay didn't move, and where he should have liked to be this close to his heartthrob, the taunt was sounding less like a dare and appearing to be more like a threat. His stomach sunk in and Jay realized he was gripping the side of the swing, with his spine pressed against the backing. "Ah'm sure it fuckin' hurts. Now get off." He remembered crystal clear when Tommy beat him mercilessly. It didn't stop hurting even if he could regenerate and assumed that if Kevin touched him, it would be ten times worse then merely breaking a bone.
Kevin was not moving. He showed no such inclination at all. What he did do was smile. It was a strange reaction even to himself, but Kevin supposed he liked the fact that someone other than just him was squirming in this relationship for once. No fair always being the bait and never being the one fishing. That half smile looked almost more like a smirk. "Name one question Ah didn't answer and you want a straight answer for and Ah'll do it. But if Ah do then you still gotta answer me." He wasn't sure if the answer was that important. Honestly, Kevin couldn't figure out what would have made Jay say that about him not liking him in the first place. While he was curious about the answer, the genuine answer, right now it was just about making Jay cop to something he clearly didn't want to.
"You ever think," he started conversationally, letting his hand drop down so it rested on the ground between Jay's feet, "there's more reasons Ah don't want anyone touching me than just hurting them?" It was slow to trickle in, but once it had to look was rather obvious. Kevin's eyes held a soft disappointment in them. Once the feeling made its way from his eyes to his heart he dropped his gaze to Jay's thigh, staring at the pattern in the material that covered his skin. "You ever have one of those days where you're so dehydrated you'd just about cut off your own foot for some water but as close as you get is staring at it through a window? It's sorta like that. Only all the time." His hand dangled off Jay's leg, down between them and that hand helped pull the glove quietly on his other arm before that hand went back to rest on the ground, drawing patterns there.
He couldn't think of any questions that weren't answered though given, Jay never asked that many. He liked to find things out the practical way, not the verbal. The fact that Kevin had killed not once, but more then that was scary, and Jay wanted to know just how many. He was sure Kevin was keeping count, because someone with a mutation like that would always keep count of the people they killed. Especially since it was a mutation that invoked a scream from their victims. Or accidents, depending on who was looking at it.
"How many screams haunt ya at night?" he asked, attempting to draw the interrogation away from him. Though he immediately regretted asking it when Kevin revealed just how lonely he really was. He relaxed significantly as the had dropped away from his chest, prying his fingers off the seat and ran a hand through his hair. He shouldn't have asked that. It was the wrong thingto do and sounded cruel from his own mouth, even though he told himself he hadn't meant to be that way. He didn't like people prying into his life, nor his thoughts. "Shit, Ah'm sorry. Ah—" he what? "That was wrong o' me ta ask. It ain't ma business." Now he felt like he had to make up for it, for being insensitive. The answer Kevin wanted didn't seem so bad in light of what Jay said. "Ah'm gay an' that's why." Why he didn't think Kevn would want to touch him.
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