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xp_logsThe boys can't sleep so Jay finds new and interesting buttons to press. Takes place a few hours after the conclusion of movie night
Part Two because t was too long for one
Jay's question made Kevin's heart stop. It had been flipping and pounding in his stomach or in his throat but now it just stopped, ran cold. It was funny the things people thought about you. The things they wouldn't say unless you pushed them. For all Jay's wanting to push Kevin's buttons he just looked at him the same way he assumed that DA did. It was that question that made Kevin release him. The movement was sudden, all at once unhooking his leg and pushing himself back until he felt his back hit the porch's banister. He pulled his other glove on, pulling it higher than it really wanted to go so as little skin showed as possible. He was curling in on himself again, arms tightly wound around his knees and Kevin just stared at the ground. Thinking. Trying not to think. Trying not to be so all consumed with his disappointment in the entire human race. He wasn't sure why, but he felt like if Jay thought of him like that then there was no hope that other people didn't. Why Jay was suddenly the example, the spokesperson, for everyone else he didn't know.
"You asked the wrong question anyway," he replied, voice barely more than a whisper. His eyes never left the ground. "You assume they all matter enough to wake me up. That don't mean they don't matter to me, they all matter. But they all matter 'cause of what happened. Only one wakes me up, and that's because that one mattered before anything happened." Yeah, Kevin kept count, but it wasn't a very high count. In a different frame of mind he'd be happy the count was so low and that most of it wasn't his fault, that he didn't do it on purpose. It just made him feel more doomed. "So what if you're gay?" In a way it seemed important, like it'd explain something, but Kevin was quickly falling out of the mood to care why it was important. Right now he just wanted to disappear.
His heart sank into the pit of his stomach, watching Kevin recoil away from him and Jay put his head in his hands, elbows on knees feeling the full effects of what he said. Guilt, that was what it felt like and he hadn't meant for it to. He told himself he was just being defensive, an automatic reaction to the threat of someone discovering. Many people knew at the mansion, but for the most part, he didn't want everyone to know. Not everyone was understanding, nor were they silent about it. Just because they didn't say anything, didn't mean he couldn't read their looks. Kevin might have felt the same way, for all the disappointment that took up residence in his eyes.
Jay felt like an ass. It was so rare to feel like this too, and tucking one leg under him, he sat on it in front of Kevin, opening his wings slightly and then closing them once they were readjusted. He felt he was getting a cramp in one of the joints. He placed the palm of his hands on either side of him, knee up and rested his chin on that knee. So maybe that was it, the one who kept him up at night was in the dream that wouldn't allow him to sleep. Jay could see that. Many people in the mansion had nightmares about their mutation or people they had hurt or killed. Not everyone was a saint behind those doors, and so who was he to judge? He didn't say anything about it though, because he didn't know what to say. Instead, he grasped for something else. "Not everyone likes a gay man, an' Ah don't need ta find out the hard way if ya do o' not."
"Ah don't care what you are," Kevin whispered in reply. As small as he could make himself was still not small enough. Jay's resumed proximity didn't help. He was trapped. Banister on one side, his roommate on the other. He wanted an out and he wanted it now, but there were no outs, not here. It just made him feel like he was suffocating again. His heart stopped, his breathing stopped, if either were happening Kevin couldn't feel them. He was pretty sure his heart was still beating, it had to be if he was still alive. If he was alive. What really counted as alive anyway? A heart beat didn't seem adequate enough stipulation.
Reaching down, Kevin picked up a stray, fallen feather, twirling it between his gloved fingers as his arm wrapped around his knees again. See, he don't want you around either, he thought to the feather. It was probably a pretty damn good thing Jay was not a telepath. It at least made Kevin feel safer, not that there was at all an abundance of that feeling going around for him at the moment.
Relieved to hear that Kevin didn't care, it didn't do anything for his guilt for asking that stupid question. He couldn't believe how quickly Kevin could switch from confident to dangerous to insecure. The transitions were so quick that he didn't have time to process them until they happened and he was onto the next. He screwed up and admitted that silently to himself, though now that he messed up so bad, he didn't have the faintest clue how to fix it. He was no Doctor Phil.
He removed himself from the situation, backing off a bit and sitting where Kevin was sitting just moments ago, in front of the swing. Drumming his fingers against the porch, the silence between them stretched into minutes, and he inclined his head. As an after thought, he picked up his guitar and sat cross legged, strumming a string or two. Faintly he started to play, and harmonized his voice to a song he was practicing. He never wrote it, but it was the start of where he wanted to go with his music. It was so far out of what he was use to, that he wasn't sure it would even sound well. He never had the confidence to try it out in front of someone.
" So you found a better hiding place than on the ground, inside the image of who they think you are. I wish the best of everything for you. I hope you know that honestly I do. How long can you run, turn your back on everyone. Just let me know, when you're tired of being alone. So you wait, all through the night and day to day. Wait for the illusion of the perfect song..." He repeated the chorus again, though quietly humming it without the lyrics. A mutant's perfect lullaby. His voice was low, quiet as not to wake anyone in the house, and his fingers carefully worked the strings for the same effect. He played the chorus one last time, without words or humming, but just letting the guitar make the music for them.
Kevin was trapped in his own thoughts, staring idly at the twirling feather in his fingers. kevin laid his head down on his arm, refusing to look at Jay. In fact, he was sort of trying to forget he was there at all. That was made difficult when he started playing, though at least kevin could focus on the music instead of the person producing it. Sitting there, he carried on a silent conversation with the feather regarding what it was like to be abandoned and whether or not that was better than being destroyed.
Destroyed or abandoned? Theme of his life. Kevin always came down on the side of it being better to be abandoned, because they you've still got a shot at something, at life. Sometimes he flirted with the idea of destruction and now he wondered whether or not it would hurt someone if he touched them. He didn't think it'd hurt. Seemed to lack sense. He tried to remember what the people at Muir had said. He didn't cause damage to the nerves. It was actually sort of numbing, he recalled. Bonds broke down at such a level it completely bypassed the nerves. If you went around them, destroyed them before they were even triggered, then there was nothing to send the impulse to the brain to tell you there was pain. The destruction happened so quickly it just numbed you. Jay's assumption was wrong. Not a huge surprise there, honestly. It did cause Kevin to smile ever so slightly.
His voice was distracted when he quietly said, "that's pretty." He and the feather decided they both still thought being cast off and abandoned was better than being destroyed. Even if it hurt when they lost their place and even if they got stepped on sometimes, there was a chance someone might take them and love them and turn them into something beautiful. He made a mental note to do something with the shed feathers, something art-related. Then he very gently, and very carefully kissed the feather and laid it back down on the ground in front of his feet. He managed to keep it from both his chin and his nose, thus leaving it completely intact.
Pretty but not enough, and he shrugged, plucking at the strings while his somber mood deepened. No cure for the cancer, and he didn't think he could hang around any long for all that he said to Kevin. He was stupid, screwing things up and here was his trophy. The silence from Kevin was deafening and Jay stood up, guitar in hand and brushed his hair away from his face. He stared down at the misery situated on the floor and he was receptive to it.
"Kev, Ah'm sorry. Ah shouldn't.. Ah mean, Ah—" His words dropped off, watching Kevin kiss the feather and set it down. Was he seeing things? Was the feather still in tact? Jay dropped to a knee, picked up the feather and checked where Kev kissed it. Nothing. Still in tact. His voice took on a completely different tone while his spirit lifted. "Ya didn't tell me ya could kiss! That's a pretty damn big detail a leave out!"
The reaction startled Kevin and he frowned a little. His poor little feather wanted some rest and here Jay was snapping it up. He supposed it wasn't so bad seeing Jay was the one who had shed the little guy in the first place. He looked up at his roommate and tilted his head to the side, curious. "Why's that such a big deal?" He pointed to his nose, "skin," his chin, "skin," and to each of his cheeks, "skin and skin. It's still a trap. Far as they can tell it's the only safe spot on the whole of the outside of my body." Outside because if someone wanted to play with his innards they would not decompose. Kevin thought that was a lousy deal. "Ah'm pretty sure Ah've mentioned it before, anyway. Maybe not outright, but sort of roundabout." Kind of like everything else Kevin said, really.
He shrugged, obviously calmer now. His talk with the feather had done him some good and he was at least crawling up out of his pit of despair enough to find sea level again. Kevin's sea level was still down a few feet from other people's but it was as neutral a level as he ever got to. "You don't have to apologize. Ah mean, you're kind of an asshole for it, but it might be the most honest thing you've ever said to me. And it's not like you're likely the only one that's ever thought it so..." he shrugged again. He still hated that it was the way Jay thought of him, but he wasn't going to change it. Try to accept it and move on, right?
"Why is it such a big deal? Cause it is. Yer a damn fool if ya can't see the good in it." He could see it, and found it important. All this time Jay felt bad for Kevin but he had this one reprieve from himself, and yet he never used it? "It's tha only place ya can touch, an' its tha only place that matters ya dim wit." It was the one place where couples shared their most intimate moments. A kiss represented so much. It could give something to some one, and take it away at the same time. It was a welcome home and a parting gift. Of all the things that Kevin had, this supposedly insignificant detail was his salvation from being lonely. Why couldn't he see it that way?
"Gee, thanks. Fine. Ah deserved that. Ah didn't mean ta say it though. Ah just get real uncomfortable when someone wants ta know 'bout it. Fer all Ah know, ya could use yer mutation against me cause ya think Ah'm a sinner." Technically he was, but Kevin didn't need to know that. "Maybe tryin' ta save me, or some bullshit like that," he murmured.
Kevin was really, really not seeing Jay's point. The musician was taking a completely different stance than the artist did on this detail. It was a big detail but it wasn't what Jay was thinking, not to Kevin. "It's still dangerous. Ah kiss someone the wrong way, or get caught up in a moment and it's all over. If Ah care about someone enough to wanna kiss them, then why would Ah want to risk killing 'em? Or worse, not killing them but mummifying their face forever." The image of Chakra's arm came into his mind and Kevin substituted that dried texture on someone's face, like the one in in front of him for example. It made him shudder. "Ah couldn't do that to anyone. 'Sides, who'd be fool enough to fall for loner artist guy, huh?" It was a simple solution. No one ever got hurt if no one got involved. Not getting close to people meant no one ever wanted to get involved. Sure, it hurt in a lot of ways, but it was safer over all.
"Ah ain't got no business saving no one. It's not mah place. And who ever said you needed saving? Ah know scripture says a lot of things and they don't always coincide, but ain't the point that God made you how you were supposed to be? He made me what Ah am and he made you what you are. If He wanted you to fall in love with a man, be able to sing like an angel and fly, who's got the right to say that's wrong? Who's got the right to claim they know better? Ain't no one know any better 'cause the Lord don't talk to people whose minds are so closed. Jesus never said it was okay to hate someone just because they were different, did he?" When it came to reconciling his mutation with his belief it could be hard, but Kevin had a whole lot of opinion on it all. His daddy had taught him that sometimes people used God and Jesus and the Bible for their own means. He'd taught him that a person was a person and if God made them that way then it's what was meant to be. Kevin had been taught it wasn't his place to pass judgment. He was fallible, but he did try to hold true to that. His daddy wouldn't have liked it if he didn't still at least try.
He couldn't believe he was listening to this. Kevin was down on himself in all directions of his life, and though Jay could be that way a lot of times, he wasn't all the time. "Yeah, sure ya could be dangerous ta someone but yer not. Not that way, not if yer careful. Why live at all if yer not gonna take that risk. Why not walk that line?" Jay got up in his face, not quite as much as he would have on a normal person, but he still did it. Kevin was frustrating, more then the average person. Though it seemed he did a lot that was more then the average person and Jay didn't know how he ever tolerated a roommate so daft. And here he thought he was down on himself, Kevin out did him by a longshot.
Faith was questionable in Jay's life. While he wanted to believe the good lord had some plans for him, the reoccurring hate in his life made him down the lord's intentions. Seemed to him that God only wanted to test Jay over and over – to see if he was capable of hanging on tight, and enduring fall after great fall. His mamma always said things happened for a reason, though Jay always waited for the moral of the story to come into play. Often, he was disappointed.
Situated in front of Kevin, Jay studied his lips as though they would give some indication, some reason why they were physically different from the rest of the body. He wanted a sign, to see if there was a shimmer, a subtly that he had been missing all along. Yet nothing stood out. Slipping his hands over Kevin's thighs, Jay let Kevin run his mouth off about Religion, while he closed the distance between them. He was merely two inches from Kev's face, hesitating. He could taste the other's breath, a hint of masculinity that watered his mouth. But he didn't go all the way, his eyes staring into Kevin's, glancing over his features – he waited for Kevin to meet him half way. "Ah'm that someone," he whispered.
Jay just made Kevin more frustrated. Kevin didn't have low self-esteem. Hell, his self-esteem never even made an appearance amongst all the other things he had to deal with first. He clearly was attempting to take cynicism to new levels, maybe even succeeding. "Walk a line, lose mahself in it and then Ah lose everything?" Everything that mattered, it hung unspoken. 'Cause if he had someone worth that risk and he hurt them, if he lost them, then he'd crumble all over again. Just like when he'd manifested.
The proximity was something Kevin was trying desperately to ignore. Why was this different from before? Because before Kevin either hadn't had to face him or was just leaning on Jay's leg. It was contact and it was casual and it wasn't...it wasn't whatever this was. The hands were what stopped his breath short. The hands and then getting closer. Breathing stopped, caught in his throat where his heart jumped up to join in. Kevin pressed himself back against the banister, which didn't do much good except to straighten his spine. Eyes flicked quickly from Jay's face, down to where his hands were, back up to his face. His touch seared, it seemed to burn through to his skin just like it had that first time. Biting his lip, he listened to what Jay said, trying to understand it.
That complete and utter shock was joined by confusion washing over his features. "Why me?" There was so much fear in those two words. It was funny, he thought belatedly, normally he thought his reaction would have been along the lines of stating that he wasn't gay. He wasn't. He liked girls. He'd never been attracted to a single guy all his life. So why did he want his roommate to make good on the silent threat his body was making? But if Jay did it just for the hell of it, just to prove he could, just to push another button Kevin couldn't take it. He might even consider laying bare hands on him if he did that. That two word question wanted to know that wasn't why. He wanted there to be a real reason with some sort of substance because if he was going to be another shed feather...sometimes destruction was better than abandonment.
Jay leaned his chest against Kevin's legs, completely invading the other's territory. It was bold on his part, but then, he always felt like he had to go out on a limb to get anywhere in a relationship. Even though his last relationship was with Kyle. Since then, opportunity hadn't opened any doors for him, except now. He wanted it yet Jay couldn't place why he wanted it. For selfish reasons of course, but what specifically in those selfish reasons did he want? They didn't really get along, fighting whenever they did talk. Though didn't their meetings turn out for the better? Jay had to admit to himself that he was heavily attracted to Kevin and the mystery that surrounded him. He was a song, haunting, alluring, yet you couldn't grasp your hands around it long enough for it to become something solid.
The question took Jay back. Of all questions, that was the last he was expecting. Actually, he wasn't expecting a question at all but hopeful that Kevin would just stop talking and meet him half way. When he didn't, Jay inclined his head, sighed, and drew back. Why him? It was like Kevin was asking why not someone else? Why not leave him be? Why, why, why. Ah there was that good old feeling of rejection, welling up inside his chest, and overflowing, threatening to choke him. He felt like he had a frog in his throat, or better yet, like he couldn't breath, and swallowed to try and break that feeling.
His bangs fell in his eyes and he pulled his hands away, resting them on his own thighs. He kept his eyes downwards, trying to think of what to say. A brief hot wave over came him and suddenly, he was very cold. He smirked faintly to himself, and his body bounced with that snort of irony. Brushing his bangs from his face, he took a deep breath, looking out on the street and began to stand up. No words for another line he was so good at crossing.
"Ah see," the words were soft and Kevin rested his chin on his knees. Jay had given up. He didn't really want him, he just wanted to push a button. Just to prove he could. Great, Kevin was one big button to push for amusement over and over again. Kevin hadn't looked away from Jay's eyes until she had begun to stand. It was all the answer he needed. It spoke everything Jay didn't. Kevin wasn't gay and he was more confused over everything that was going on than anything, but he recognized that disappoint that swelled in his chest and chased his breath back out his mouth. His heart dropped from his throat to his stomach, laying there forlornly.
Despite his attempts, Kevin could not chase away the disappointment when it crept onto his face and took up residence in his eyes. Likewise, he couldn't seem to get rid of the pain that crossed onto his face either. At least this time when Jay caused that overwhelming feeling of disappointment that hollowed him out he understood what it was for. Kevin didn't understand why it happened, but he knew what caused it. He tried to make sense of it but no sense came. He just knew he'd wanted Jay to do it but Jay didn't really want to.
It was hard for Jay to come this far and meant a lot to him to try and bring something between them together. But Kevin didn't seem to want it, or he just was scared. Either way, it disappointed Jay. Yet when he looked at Kevin before he stood fully, the disappointment was evident in both their eyes. Had he read him wrong? He couldn't handle this emotional flip flop and hesitated before lowering himself down into a crouch. One arm rested on his thigh, keeping his balance while he studied the boards beneath his feet. How they must love it here when it was summer, able to sit on the porch and enjoy a normal life. How it seemed so out of reach for the two of them.
And then Jay kissed him. He hadn't thought about it, but just did it, not caring if Kevin wasn't what Jay wanted him to be. It was a last desperate attempt to plead his case without anymore words. Words didn't do it for them, always mistaken for what they really meant. Words did not come easily for him. The kiss was slow to start, but as Jay parted his lips, it grew more urgent, a desperate passion he couldn't easily hid.
Kevin had been expecting to hear quiet footsteps going into the house. He'd been considering leaving. Just walking in a direction and not caring where he ended up. Not caring if he disintegrated the entire fucking town because Kevin was just so sick of not being allowed to feel anything but aching misery that always knotted in his chest. The footsteps never came. Jay was crouching down in front of him again and Kevin was just confused.
He didn't realize what Jay had decided to do until it was done and he was panicking. Kevin's first reaction was Oh God, Ah'm gonna kill 'im. It caused him to straighten his spine and attempt to back up so he could maybe have some semblance of control. Instead his head hit the banister gently and there was no other control to be had. Oh God, oh God, oh God. Jay and his damn death wish! Seriously, did he look forward to life as dust in the wind? His heart was going to beat out of his chest and he wasn't figuring out any way to control this so Jay didn't get hurt, or worse.
Too much thinking, Kevin, he told himself. It wasn't until he managed to quiet his brain to a dull murmur that he kissed Jay back. The return was soft, tentative, even a little scared. Kevin finally found that control he wanted when his hands moved to cup Jay's face. Small as it was, that little bit of control, that ability to force Jay back if he was in danger of being hurt allowed Kevin to finally relax into the kiss. It let him enjoy it, the feel of someone else's lips on his and the intensity of the feeling that seemed to be shoved down him through his mouth from it. Such a simple act, a kiss. So why did he feel like he was on fire?
Kevin was submissively malleable under the insistence of Jay's mouth. Anything it seemed to want he easily gave. His own lips parted when Jay's did and Kevin's tongue slid across the lower lip of his partner, an invitation. If he wanted it.
He wanted it alright. Jay was reeling on the spot because his lips were the only piece of flesh on flesh with Kevin. He could only imagine how his roommate felt, and yet, it seemed like Kevin wasn't going to reciprocate. He was stiff, his body tightening against Jay's and he could swear that Kevin wasn't breathing. Plastered against the banister, Jay could feel his disappointment well up again when shockingly, Kevin finally responded! It was all he hoped for and more. The invitation was taken without hesitation, and he kissed with a renewed vigor. Placing his hands over top of Kevin's, Jay leaned into him, sweeping tongues together and Jay had to physically slow himself down as no to overwhelm Kev. He didn't want to break the kiss and have this magical moment over, but eventually he did, and waited for his judgment.
Kevin had actually barely remembered to breathe even when he'd finally relaxed. So many emotional responses chased themselves through him that he couldn't identify one over another. He could have tried, but that would have involved thinking. Thinking was clearly something he shouldn't be doing. He'd actually worried for a moment he'd forgotten how to kiss a person. It had made him pause, falter for just a moment. It was easy, Kevin found, to just let go. Just let go and let Jay lead. It was like dancing in a way and it was easy to fall back into, letting their tongues and lips dance together. Everything was fine as long as he didn't think, and Kevin even managed that alright.
The kiss broke and Kevin was breathless. Breathing, good thing to remember to do, he reminded himself. He looked dazed, eyes searching Jay's face. He seemed to be looking for something, perhaps just to understand. Kevin's hands remained on Jay's face and showed no inclination toward letting him go. Licking his lips and the taste of the other off them he finally whispered, "Yer fuckin' crazy, ya know tha'?" His soft Georgian accent was abandoned for the first time since he woke from that nightmare, now speaking with his adopted southern accent. Strangely enough, even with that dazed look not showing any signs of fleeing his eyes, Kevin was actually smiling. It was faint, that sort of smile a person got after something incredible they could barely comprehend.
It was crazy that Kevin gave into him now. Being less of a leader and more of a follower, Jay was in this new position of taking Kevin, stroke by stroke, through their kiss. The jaw relaxed, a muffled sigh in between breaths that set the pace for his heart. Was it luck that he was here, that he hadn't left, instead making the choice to stay? No that was it. It was choice. Not luck. Though he hadn't thought Kevin was gay. Was he just coming out? His kiss was almost shy, wanting to pull away yet not - basking in the intensity that came from Jay. He was still careful though. He would have to remind himself of that constantly. Always careful.
"So ya keep tellin' me," he smiled back, his hands interlocking over Kevin's own and it felt too long for their lips to be apart. He licked his own lips in mimic to Kevin. His reckless abandonment scared him - this whole idea scared him, putting himself out there for Kevin. There wasn't a single regret now that he had done it. He had forced himself to stop second guessing his own esteem and went out on a limb. The smile that he received was payment enough, and he closed the distance between them again, for another kiss, a confirmation of what had happened had indeed happened.
Kevin's smile turned bolder, almost cockily sarcastic. "Well, ya keep on provin' it. Ah figure maybe if Ah poin' it out 'nuff you'll maybe catch on, stop doin' stupid stuff 'fore yer head 'splodes er suttin'." And the odds of that? Kevin was thinking very, very low. It occurred to Kevin there were things he was going to have to think about. Like he didn't do enough thinking? He rambled on at the mouth a fair bit sometimes, but there was at least four times that volume that streamed through his head unceasingly and went unsaid. It was funny that he wasn't thinking about things, he was thinking about the things he'd have to think about. Stuff like if this made him gay. Was he gay? Had he not realized it? Did it matter if he was gay? Did it matter if he wasn't? Did he like Jay? Did he even know him enough to like him? Did normal people think this much after a fucking kiss? Then again...did a kiss do to normal people what Jay had just done to him? Did Jay even conceive of what he'd done to him?
The thoughts of future topics of consideration chased themselves through Kevin's mind, each coming on the heels of the one before it. All of this was abruptly halted and erased from his racing mind the moment Jay kissed him again. That made everything quieter in his head. Quieter was probably much better than the alternative right now. Weird things tended to happen when Kevin started thinking. The response this time was instantaneous. His thumbs stretched backward and hooked around Jay's pinkies, further interlocking their hold on one another. Holding on, not pushing away, that wasn't Kevin would have predicted. Maybe not ever. Yet he did it now. He was so careful though, so incredibly consumed with the thought of not hurting Jay even as he leaned into him, bringing their bodies closer but mindful no flesh but their lips connected. It wasn't that hard for Kevin really, it was always something he was aware of, he wasn't even sure he could shut it off if he wanted to.
It was so easy to let go right now. To let go and want something. Someone. Kevin swore Jay made him swallow fire. His veins seemed to scorch him from the inside. He wasn't complaining.
He was afraid this moment between them wouldn't last, like it would be morning and things would return back to normal; they would return back to normal. the typical Cinderella story. Thats why he wanted to make it last, to stretch that moment into minutes. Kevin could have an epiphany and decide this wasn't what he wanted, Jay wasn't what he wanted. The chance in that was very high.
It made Jay break the kiss again, and regard Kevin with a somber disposition. He pulled their hands away from his face, but didn't let them go. "Ya gonna want this in tha morn?" he asked quietly between them. Kevin was a good kisser, sexy and mysterious. Jay liked him, a lot, and even if he didn't know him all that well, he didn't care. He could get to know him, though Jay was already pretty familiar with his snarky attitude. He convinced himself that it was an endearing trait.
So serious, Jay looked so serious and Kevin couldn't help thinking his roommate had adopted what was usually his own slot. He also couldn't blame him. He thought he understood where that question came from, it wasn't much different from when he'd asked why him, was it? It was an important question and the answer wasn't necessarily as simple as it seemed like it should be. Nothing was with Kevin, was it?
Chewing on his bottom lip, he thought, mind moving quickly. He wanted to give the most truthful answer he could but he didn't want to answer prematurely. But the time stretched out and seemed to swallow the night and he knew being the one waiting when it did that was horrible. Looking down at their hands, Kevin found himself taking his left hand away just enough so he could twist his arm enough to hold Jay's hand properly. It seemed somehow fitting to have at least one hand held normally and one not, and he had no intention of changing the other hands.
Finally thinking he had the answer he needed, and still chewing on his lip, Kevin began to very slowly nod. "Ah migh' suck at it sometimes. Y'know, wit' tha close an' everythin'. 'Cause...Ah'm not used ta it. An' Ah'm fine...now. Here. With you. Bu'...Ah migh' still freak out sometimes. 'Cause it's sorta what Ah do." He was being very quiet, like if he spoke too loudly things he said may change. Kevin was very careful when he spoke, choosing the words he needed and not letting himself rush through the explanation. "Ah mean Ah'll try not ta...freak out. Bu' Ah can't promise, Ah won't...'cause Ah don't like lying. But, yeah, Ah'll still wan' 't in tha mornin'." Kevin stopped and took a deep breath, feeling it was rather important to add another phrasing, but a little scared of saying it. Still, he forced the words out of his mouth before his backbone failed him. The nerves were apparent on his face and his eyes flicked away from Jay's face and back down to their hands. "'Cause Ah'll still wan' you. If tha's okay with ya."
Jay couldn't help but be this way, waiting moment for moment, for the ground breaking news that either Kevin wanted this, or he didn't want it. How it reminded him of his first love and the confessions they made together. He wasn't sure he could commit again like that, but they hadn't defined their relationship yet. Or whatever it was that they had. It hadn't begun, and could end just as fast. That was the scary part. Kevin could just up and leave, or maybe he would die. They both seemed likely, and Jay mentally tried to push those thoughts aside. He was being stupid. Kevin wasn't like that, wouldn't die or leave. He was just very much like Jay, which annoyed and attracted him at the same time.
But those words were hesitant, yet searching for Jay to also confess what he wanted. As if Kevin couldn't tell, and yet, he still hadto tell him, just in case. "We'll deal with wha' eva we gotta," he said confidently, even though he didn't feel that way. He wasn't too sure he could handle someone freaking out all the time, but he would try because he wanted to try. Kevin was willing to tolerate him and they could make it work. His hand tightened over the one that moved and he pushed off the ground, pulling Kevin to his feet, to his body. He wanted to feel him, all of him and be closer then they ever had been. And he didn't care if Kevin freaked out.
Where Jay learned to be so confident when things involved a freak like Kevin was a bit incomprehensible. Maybe he was delusional. Maybe he wasn't grasping how entirely nonfunctional Kevin was. Or maybe he had some sort of odd faith in Kevin to stop being such a freak about everything that it wasn't absolutely necessary to be a freak about. God, he hoped that wasn't it because Kevin was sure he'd probably sorely disappoint Jay if it was and he didn't really want to do that. Not on purpose.
Suddenly being pulled to his feet without warning was jarring enough. Finding himself more or less plastered against Jay was on a scale Kevin didn't have the vocabulary to describe. The usual reaction was immediate, breath caught in throat and body tensing. Deep breath. And again. And again. Kevin had to close his eyes in order to concentrating. Breathing had to come first, he couldn't relax if he didn't breath. Letting the tension go from his body slowly, his eyes opened slowly once he felt his body close to normal. It was the first time he'd ever realized just how much taller than himself Jay was. "Ya jus' like findin' new buttons ta try out, don't ya?"
He didn't wait for Kevin to relax, but pulled the other against him. His hands climbed up the curve of his sides, along his backstraps and down again.He was mindful not to go beneath the shirt, but god, he wanted to. It was painful not to touch the other intimately. To hold back, and bite down on the desire threatening to force itself out. Restraint was not one of his better qualities, not when he felt like this. Kevin had the same name as his first love and they even acted the same to a certain degree. Jay took the lead then and he took the lead now, though he was far from being a leader in the school. No thanks. Behind closed doors was the only place he liked to let go. "Maybe." He smirked.
Kevin gave Jay a look laced with sarcasm, though it didn't get to last too long. Neither did his open eyes as they fell shut slowly while he concentrated on the way his skin tingled despite the layers separating it from the hands that roamed over. Why did Kevin feel like he was biting his lip a whole lot with Jay around tonight? He hadn't even realized he'd done it until he started to smile faintly. "'Maybe' meanin' 'yeah' ya mean." Without bothering to pry his eyes shut, a hand slid around Jay's waist, following it to the small of his back where it settled. Following impulse, his other hand reached up and pulled Jay down into a kiss. Maybe comfortable was possible, Kevin realized. Maybe it could happen and he'd be okay and no flip out on Jay all the fucking time like he sort of suspected he might. There were a lot of maybes involved though.
Jay wanted to run his hands through Kevin's hair. To coax him to close his eyes through the sheer enjoyment of feeling a caress, a touch from someone else. He knew how it felt to be touched, to enjoy it. It wasn't' often Jay wanted to be touched at all. He preferred to keep people at a distance, even friends, though Terry insisted on jumping all over him. This was different though, intimacy he didn't see, or share often and wanted to bask in it, if he hadn't been so tired. He could feel his own eyes wanting to close, would have liked to curl up with Kevin and sleep, but that was dangerous too. The kiss momentarily swept sleep from his mind and he softened to it. Fixing his hands on the railing, Jay pressed his body against Kevin's, pinning him to the banister, showing him just how much he was the center of Jay's arousal. "We gotta go ta bed," he whispered when he came up for air, only to continue the kiss.
Being pinned against the banister and having Jay's point so silently yet so loudly stated made his eyebrows shoot up. Thankfully, Jay was a little preoccupied and couldn't see the reaction, though the small chill that ran up Kevin's spine made him shiver a little and that Jay probably could feel. "Mmhmm," was hummed against Jay's lips as a response, though Kevin was immediately thinking about how he wasn't actually that tired. About the problems sleep brought. About how all those problems were related to the fact that he wanted to stay like this. Pinned against Jay. For someone so reluctant to let himself get close enough to anyone to touch them out of fear of hurting them, Kevin was sure as hell reluctant to give up contact when he had it. When he had it and wasn't freaking out about it, but rather wanting it. And that posed problems. Safety problems. Kissing Jay kept Kevin from freaking out about all those problems and complications he was coming up with. Useful side effect. Now, if he could think of ways to fix most of them so the unconscious aspect was less of an issue, then it'd be okay.
Sleep pulled at him despite the fact that Kevin was kissing him. He enjoyed it too, for once, having a more pressing reason to push sleep back. But the farther he pushed it away from it, the harder it pulled at him. He was fighting sleep heavily even though he didn't want to. He broke the kiss, though his lips lingered an inche away from Kevin's, so muchthat he could taste the other's breath. "Ya ain't gonna let me go ta bed huh? Ah reckon we'll both be zombies by tomorrow." And tomorrow was creeping into today. He even figured it was tomorrow instead of today.
"Ah'll let ya sleep," he smiled a little, as if Jay was whining over something he shouldn't have been. "Ya ferget, Ah been wakin' up not too long after now since Ah been back from Muir fer tha mos' part. Ah'm kinda wide awake. Maybe Ah'll go fer a walk," though there was a note of something in his voice that suggested he didn't really want to be parted from Jay. It wasn't a clingy thing like he suddenly had to have Jay with him everywhere. It was more a fear that if parted Kevin would resort back to his general freakishness when it came
"No, Ah don't think so. Yer comin' ta bed with me," Jay said, reaching for one of Kevin's hands and linking them together. He bent down and fetched his guitar off the ground. Then pulled Kevin towards him while walking backwards. "Even if Ah hav'ta sing ya to sleep, yer gonna go." Because if Kevin was sleeping, then Jay could too without worry. He didn't think it was safe at night for Kevin to be walking alone, even though his roommate had far less to worry about then those who choose to attack him.
Kevin pouted a little, but he bent down and gathered up the rest of his discarded clothing. Hoodie, he definitely had to find a hoodie. Oh, wait, hello, hooded shirt he'd taken off! "Few kisses an' now Ah'm worth singin' ta? Yer so easy," he was kidding, but Kevin couldn't help poking a little fun of Jay. That was probably never going to change, no matter what this turned into. How could anyone give up teasing or mocking him? He let himself be pulled back into the house, mentally figuring out how he could stay close without hurting Jay. Stupid unconsciousness.
Part Two because t was too long for one
Jay's question made Kevin's heart stop. It had been flipping and pounding in his stomach or in his throat but now it just stopped, ran cold. It was funny the things people thought about you. The things they wouldn't say unless you pushed them. For all Jay's wanting to push Kevin's buttons he just looked at him the same way he assumed that DA did. It was that question that made Kevin release him. The movement was sudden, all at once unhooking his leg and pushing himself back until he felt his back hit the porch's banister. He pulled his other glove on, pulling it higher than it really wanted to go so as little skin showed as possible. He was curling in on himself again, arms tightly wound around his knees and Kevin just stared at the ground. Thinking. Trying not to think. Trying not to be so all consumed with his disappointment in the entire human race. He wasn't sure why, but he felt like if Jay thought of him like that then there was no hope that other people didn't. Why Jay was suddenly the example, the spokesperson, for everyone else he didn't know.
"You asked the wrong question anyway," he replied, voice barely more than a whisper. His eyes never left the ground. "You assume they all matter enough to wake me up. That don't mean they don't matter to me, they all matter. But they all matter 'cause of what happened. Only one wakes me up, and that's because that one mattered before anything happened." Yeah, Kevin kept count, but it wasn't a very high count. In a different frame of mind he'd be happy the count was so low and that most of it wasn't his fault, that he didn't do it on purpose. It just made him feel more doomed. "So what if you're gay?" In a way it seemed important, like it'd explain something, but Kevin was quickly falling out of the mood to care why it was important. Right now he just wanted to disappear.
His heart sank into the pit of his stomach, watching Kevin recoil away from him and Jay put his head in his hands, elbows on knees feeling the full effects of what he said. Guilt, that was what it felt like and he hadn't meant for it to. He told himself he was just being defensive, an automatic reaction to the threat of someone discovering. Many people knew at the mansion, but for the most part, he didn't want everyone to know. Not everyone was understanding, nor were they silent about it. Just because they didn't say anything, didn't mean he couldn't read their looks. Kevin might have felt the same way, for all the disappointment that took up residence in his eyes.
Jay felt like an ass. It was so rare to feel like this too, and tucking one leg under him, he sat on it in front of Kevin, opening his wings slightly and then closing them once they were readjusted. He felt he was getting a cramp in one of the joints. He placed the palm of his hands on either side of him, knee up and rested his chin on that knee. So maybe that was it, the one who kept him up at night was in the dream that wouldn't allow him to sleep. Jay could see that. Many people in the mansion had nightmares about their mutation or people they had hurt or killed. Not everyone was a saint behind those doors, and so who was he to judge? He didn't say anything about it though, because he didn't know what to say. Instead, he grasped for something else. "Not everyone likes a gay man, an' Ah don't need ta find out the hard way if ya do o' not."
"Ah don't care what you are," Kevin whispered in reply. As small as he could make himself was still not small enough. Jay's resumed proximity didn't help. He was trapped. Banister on one side, his roommate on the other. He wanted an out and he wanted it now, but there were no outs, not here. It just made him feel like he was suffocating again. His heart stopped, his breathing stopped, if either were happening Kevin couldn't feel them. He was pretty sure his heart was still beating, it had to be if he was still alive. If he was alive. What really counted as alive anyway? A heart beat didn't seem adequate enough stipulation.
Reaching down, Kevin picked up a stray, fallen feather, twirling it between his gloved fingers as his arm wrapped around his knees again. See, he don't want you around either, he thought to the feather. It was probably a pretty damn good thing Jay was not a telepath. It at least made Kevin feel safer, not that there was at all an abundance of that feeling going around for him at the moment.
Relieved to hear that Kevin didn't care, it didn't do anything for his guilt for asking that stupid question. He couldn't believe how quickly Kevin could switch from confident to dangerous to insecure. The transitions were so quick that he didn't have time to process them until they happened and he was onto the next. He screwed up and admitted that silently to himself, though now that he messed up so bad, he didn't have the faintest clue how to fix it. He was no Doctor Phil.
He removed himself from the situation, backing off a bit and sitting where Kevin was sitting just moments ago, in front of the swing. Drumming his fingers against the porch, the silence between them stretched into minutes, and he inclined his head. As an after thought, he picked up his guitar and sat cross legged, strumming a string or two. Faintly he started to play, and harmonized his voice to a song he was practicing. He never wrote it, but it was the start of where he wanted to go with his music. It was so far out of what he was use to, that he wasn't sure it would even sound well. He never had the confidence to try it out in front of someone.
" So you found a better hiding place than on the ground, inside the image of who they think you are. I wish the best of everything for you. I hope you know that honestly I do. How long can you run, turn your back on everyone. Just let me know, when you're tired of being alone. So you wait, all through the night and day to day. Wait for the illusion of the perfect song..." He repeated the chorus again, though quietly humming it without the lyrics. A mutant's perfect lullaby. His voice was low, quiet as not to wake anyone in the house, and his fingers carefully worked the strings for the same effect. He played the chorus one last time, without words or humming, but just letting the guitar make the music for them.
Kevin was trapped in his own thoughts, staring idly at the twirling feather in his fingers. kevin laid his head down on his arm, refusing to look at Jay. In fact, he was sort of trying to forget he was there at all. That was made difficult when he started playing, though at least kevin could focus on the music instead of the person producing it. Sitting there, he carried on a silent conversation with the feather regarding what it was like to be abandoned and whether or not that was better than being destroyed.
Destroyed or abandoned? Theme of his life. Kevin always came down on the side of it being better to be abandoned, because they you've still got a shot at something, at life. Sometimes he flirted with the idea of destruction and now he wondered whether or not it would hurt someone if he touched them. He didn't think it'd hurt. Seemed to lack sense. He tried to remember what the people at Muir had said. He didn't cause damage to the nerves. It was actually sort of numbing, he recalled. Bonds broke down at such a level it completely bypassed the nerves. If you went around them, destroyed them before they were even triggered, then there was nothing to send the impulse to the brain to tell you there was pain. The destruction happened so quickly it just numbed you. Jay's assumption was wrong. Not a huge surprise there, honestly. It did cause Kevin to smile ever so slightly.
His voice was distracted when he quietly said, "that's pretty." He and the feather decided they both still thought being cast off and abandoned was better than being destroyed. Even if it hurt when they lost their place and even if they got stepped on sometimes, there was a chance someone might take them and love them and turn them into something beautiful. He made a mental note to do something with the shed feathers, something art-related. Then he very gently, and very carefully kissed the feather and laid it back down on the ground in front of his feet. He managed to keep it from both his chin and his nose, thus leaving it completely intact.
Pretty but not enough, and he shrugged, plucking at the strings while his somber mood deepened. No cure for the cancer, and he didn't think he could hang around any long for all that he said to Kevin. He was stupid, screwing things up and here was his trophy. The silence from Kevin was deafening and Jay stood up, guitar in hand and brushed his hair away from his face. He stared down at the misery situated on the floor and he was receptive to it.
"Kev, Ah'm sorry. Ah shouldn't.. Ah mean, Ah—" His words dropped off, watching Kevin kiss the feather and set it down. Was he seeing things? Was the feather still in tact? Jay dropped to a knee, picked up the feather and checked where Kev kissed it. Nothing. Still in tact. His voice took on a completely different tone while his spirit lifted. "Ya didn't tell me ya could kiss! That's a pretty damn big detail a leave out!"
The reaction startled Kevin and he frowned a little. His poor little feather wanted some rest and here Jay was snapping it up. He supposed it wasn't so bad seeing Jay was the one who had shed the little guy in the first place. He looked up at his roommate and tilted his head to the side, curious. "Why's that such a big deal?" He pointed to his nose, "skin," his chin, "skin," and to each of his cheeks, "skin and skin. It's still a trap. Far as they can tell it's the only safe spot on the whole of the outside of my body." Outside because if someone wanted to play with his innards they would not decompose. Kevin thought that was a lousy deal. "Ah'm pretty sure Ah've mentioned it before, anyway. Maybe not outright, but sort of roundabout." Kind of like everything else Kevin said, really.
He shrugged, obviously calmer now. His talk with the feather had done him some good and he was at least crawling up out of his pit of despair enough to find sea level again. Kevin's sea level was still down a few feet from other people's but it was as neutral a level as he ever got to. "You don't have to apologize. Ah mean, you're kind of an asshole for it, but it might be the most honest thing you've ever said to me. And it's not like you're likely the only one that's ever thought it so..." he shrugged again. He still hated that it was the way Jay thought of him, but he wasn't going to change it. Try to accept it and move on, right?
"Why is it such a big deal? Cause it is. Yer a damn fool if ya can't see the good in it." He could see it, and found it important. All this time Jay felt bad for Kevin but he had this one reprieve from himself, and yet he never used it? "It's tha only place ya can touch, an' its tha only place that matters ya dim wit." It was the one place where couples shared their most intimate moments. A kiss represented so much. It could give something to some one, and take it away at the same time. It was a welcome home and a parting gift. Of all the things that Kevin had, this supposedly insignificant detail was his salvation from being lonely. Why couldn't he see it that way?
"Gee, thanks. Fine. Ah deserved that. Ah didn't mean ta say it though. Ah just get real uncomfortable when someone wants ta know 'bout it. Fer all Ah know, ya could use yer mutation against me cause ya think Ah'm a sinner." Technically he was, but Kevin didn't need to know that. "Maybe tryin' ta save me, or some bullshit like that," he murmured.
Kevin was really, really not seeing Jay's point. The musician was taking a completely different stance than the artist did on this detail. It was a big detail but it wasn't what Jay was thinking, not to Kevin. "It's still dangerous. Ah kiss someone the wrong way, or get caught up in a moment and it's all over. If Ah care about someone enough to wanna kiss them, then why would Ah want to risk killing 'em? Or worse, not killing them but mummifying their face forever." The image of Chakra's arm came into his mind and Kevin substituted that dried texture on someone's face, like the one in in front of him for example. It made him shudder. "Ah couldn't do that to anyone. 'Sides, who'd be fool enough to fall for loner artist guy, huh?" It was a simple solution. No one ever got hurt if no one got involved. Not getting close to people meant no one ever wanted to get involved. Sure, it hurt in a lot of ways, but it was safer over all.
"Ah ain't got no business saving no one. It's not mah place. And who ever said you needed saving? Ah know scripture says a lot of things and they don't always coincide, but ain't the point that God made you how you were supposed to be? He made me what Ah am and he made you what you are. If He wanted you to fall in love with a man, be able to sing like an angel and fly, who's got the right to say that's wrong? Who's got the right to claim they know better? Ain't no one know any better 'cause the Lord don't talk to people whose minds are so closed. Jesus never said it was okay to hate someone just because they were different, did he?" When it came to reconciling his mutation with his belief it could be hard, but Kevin had a whole lot of opinion on it all. His daddy had taught him that sometimes people used God and Jesus and the Bible for their own means. He'd taught him that a person was a person and if God made them that way then it's what was meant to be. Kevin had been taught it wasn't his place to pass judgment. He was fallible, but he did try to hold true to that. His daddy wouldn't have liked it if he didn't still at least try.
He couldn't believe he was listening to this. Kevin was down on himself in all directions of his life, and though Jay could be that way a lot of times, he wasn't all the time. "Yeah, sure ya could be dangerous ta someone but yer not. Not that way, not if yer careful. Why live at all if yer not gonna take that risk. Why not walk that line?" Jay got up in his face, not quite as much as he would have on a normal person, but he still did it. Kevin was frustrating, more then the average person. Though it seemed he did a lot that was more then the average person and Jay didn't know how he ever tolerated a roommate so daft. And here he thought he was down on himself, Kevin out did him by a longshot.
Faith was questionable in Jay's life. While he wanted to believe the good lord had some plans for him, the reoccurring hate in his life made him down the lord's intentions. Seemed to him that God only wanted to test Jay over and over – to see if he was capable of hanging on tight, and enduring fall after great fall. His mamma always said things happened for a reason, though Jay always waited for the moral of the story to come into play. Often, he was disappointed.
Situated in front of Kevin, Jay studied his lips as though they would give some indication, some reason why they were physically different from the rest of the body. He wanted a sign, to see if there was a shimmer, a subtly that he had been missing all along. Yet nothing stood out. Slipping his hands over Kevin's thighs, Jay let Kevin run his mouth off about Religion, while he closed the distance between them. He was merely two inches from Kev's face, hesitating. He could taste the other's breath, a hint of masculinity that watered his mouth. But he didn't go all the way, his eyes staring into Kevin's, glancing over his features – he waited for Kevin to meet him half way. "Ah'm that someone," he whispered.
Jay just made Kevin more frustrated. Kevin didn't have low self-esteem. Hell, his self-esteem never even made an appearance amongst all the other things he had to deal with first. He clearly was attempting to take cynicism to new levels, maybe even succeeding. "Walk a line, lose mahself in it and then Ah lose everything?" Everything that mattered, it hung unspoken. 'Cause if he had someone worth that risk and he hurt them, if he lost them, then he'd crumble all over again. Just like when he'd manifested.
The proximity was something Kevin was trying desperately to ignore. Why was this different from before? Because before Kevin either hadn't had to face him or was just leaning on Jay's leg. It was contact and it was casual and it wasn't...it wasn't whatever this was. The hands were what stopped his breath short. The hands and then getting closer. Breathing stopped, caught in his throat where his heart jumped up to join in. Kevin pressed himself back against the banister, which didn't do much good except to straighten his spine. Eyes flicked quickly from Jay's face, down to where his hands were, back up to his face. His touch seared, it seemed to burn through to his skin just like it had that first time. Biting his lip, he listened to what Jay said, trying to understand it.
That complete and utter shock was joined by confusion washing over his features. "Why me?" There was so much fear in those two words. It was funny, he thought belatedly, normally he thought his reaction would have been along the lines of stating that he wasn't gay. He wasn't. He liked girls. He'd never been attracted to a single guy all his life. So why did he want his roommate to make good on the silent threat his body was making? But if Jay did it just for the hell of it, just to prove he could, just to push another button Kevin couldn't take it. He might even consider laying bare hands on him if he did that. That two word question wanted to know that wasn't why. He wanted there to be a real reason with some sort of substance because if he was going to be another shed feather...sometimes destruction was better than abandonment.
Jay leaned his chest against Kevin's legs, completely invading the other's territory. It was bold on his part, but then, he always felt like he had to go out on a limb to get anywhere in a relationship. Even though his last relationship was with Kyle. Since then, opportunity hadn't opened any doors for him, except now. He wanted it yet Jay couldn't place why he wanted it. For selfish reasons of course, but what specifically in those selfish reasons did he want? They didn't really get along, fighting whenever they did talk. Though didn't their meetings turn out for the better? Jay had to admit to himself that he was heavily attracted to Kevin and the mystery that surrounded him. He was a song, haunting, alluring, yet you couldn't grasp your hands around it long enough for it to become something solid.
The question took Jay back. Of all questions, that was the last he was expecting. Actually, he wasn't expecting a question at all but hopeful that Kevin would just stop talking and meet him half way. When he didn't, Jay inclined his head, sighed, and drew back. Why him? It was like Kevin was asking why not someone else? Why not leave him be? Why, why, why. Ah there was that good old feeling of rejection, welling up inside his chest, and overflowing, threatening to choke him. He felt like he had a frog in his throat, or better yet, like he couldn't breath, and swallowed to try and break that feeling.
His bangs fell in his eyes and he pulled his hands away, resting them on his own thighs. He kept his eyes downwards, trying to think of what to say. A brief hot wave over came him and suddenly, he was very cold. He smirked faintly to himself, and his body bounced with that snort of irony. Brushing his bangs from his face, he took a deep breath, looking out on the street and began to stand up. No words for another line he was so good at crossing.
"Ah see," the words were soft and Kevin rested his chin on his knees. Jay had given up. He didn't really want him, he just wanted to push a button. Just to prove he could. Great, Kevin was one big button to push for amusement over and over again. Kevin hadn't looked away from Jay's eyes until she had begun to stand. It was all the answer he needed. It spoke everything Jay didn't. Kevin wasn't gay and he was more confused over everything that was going on than anything, but he recognized that disappoint that swelled in his chest and chased his breath back out his mouth. His heart dropped from his throat to his stomach, laying there forlornly.
Despite his attempts, Kevin could not chase away the disappointment when it crept onto his face and took up residence in his eyes. Likewise, he couldn't seem to get rid of the pain that crossed onto his face either. At least this time when Jay caused that overwhelming feeling of disappointment that hollowed him out he understood what it was for. Kevin didn't understand why it happened, but he knew what caused it. He tried to make sense of it but no sense came. He just knew he'd wanted Jay to do it but Jay didn't really want to.
It was hard for Jay to come this far and meant a lot to him to try and bring something between them together. But Kevin didn't seem to want it, or he just was scared. Either way, it disappointed Jay. Yet when he looked at Kevin before he stood fully, the disappointment was evident in both their eyes. Had he read him wrong? He couldn't handle this emotional flip flop and hesitated before lowering himself down into a crouch. One arm rested on his thigh, keeping his balance while he studied the boards beneath his feet. How they must love it here when it was summer, able to sit on the porch and enjoy a normal life. How it seemed so out of reach for the two of them.
And then Jay kissed him. He hadn't thought about it, but just did it, not caring if Kevin wasn't what Jay wanted him to be. It was a last desperate attempt to plead his case without anymore words. Words didn't do it for them, always mistaken for what they really meant. Words did not come easily for him. The kiss was slow to start, but as Jay parted his lips, it grew more urgent, a desperate passion he couldn't easily hid.
Kevin had been expecting to hear quiet footsteps going into the house. He'd been considering leaving. Just walking in a direction and not caring where he ended up. Not caring if he disintegrated the entire fucking town because Kevin was just so sick of not being allowed to feel anything but aching misery that always knotted in his chest. The footsteps never came. Jay was crouching down in front of him again and Kevin was just confused.
He didn't realize what Jay had decided to do until it was done and he was panicking. Kevin's first reaction was Oh God, Ah'm gonna kill 'im. It caused him to straighten his spine and attempt to back up so he could maybe have some semblance of control. Instead his head hit the banister gently and there was no other control to be had. Oh God, oh God, oh God. Jay and his damn death wish! Seriously, did he look forward to life as dust in the wind? His heart was going to beat out of his chest and he wasn't figuring out any way to control this so Jay didn't get hurt, or worse.
Too much thinking, Kevin, he told himself. It wasn't until he managed to quiet his brain to a dull murmur that he kissed Jay back. The return was soft, tentative, even a little scared. Kevin finally found that control he wanted when his hands moved to cup Jay's face. Small as it was, that little bit of control, that ability to force Jay back if he was in danger of being hurt allowed Kevin to finally relax into the kiss. It let him enjoy it, the feel of someone else's lips on his and the intensity of the feeling that seemed to be shoved down him through his mouth from it. Such a simple act, a kiss. So why did he feel like he was on fire?
Kevin was submissively malleable under the insistence of Jay's mouth. Anything it seemed to want he easily gave. His own lips parted when Jay's did and Kevin's tongue slid across the lower lip of his partner, an invitation. If he wanted it.
He wanted it alright. Jay was reeling on the spot because his lips were the only piece of flesh on flesh with Kevin. He could only imagine how his roommate felt, and yet, it seemed like Kevin wasn't going to reciprocate. He was stiff, his body tightening against Jay's and he could swear that Kevin wasn't breathing. Plastered against the banister, Jay could feel his disappointment well up again when shockingly, Kevin finally responded! It was all he hoped for and more. The invitation was taken without hesitation, and he kissed with a renewed vigor. Placing his hands over top of Kevin's, Jay leaned into him, sweeping tongues together and Jay had to physically slow himself down as no to overwhelm Kev. He didn't want to break the kiss and have this magical moment over, but eventually he did, and waited for his judgment.
Kevin had actually barely remembered to breathe even when he'd finally relaxed. So many emotional responses chased themselves through him that he couldn't identify one over another. He could have tried, but that would have involved thinking. Thinking was clearly something he shouldn't be doing. He'd actually worried for a moment he'd forgotten how to kiss a person. It had made him pause, falter for just a moment. It was easy, Kevin found, to just let go. Just let go and let Jay lead. It was like dancing in a way and it was easy to fall back into, letting their tongues and lips dance together. Everything was fine as long as he didn't think, and Kevin even managed that alright.
The kiss broke and Kevin was breathless. Breathing, good thing to remember to do, he reminded himself. He looked dazed, eyes searching Jay's face. He seemed to be looking for something, perhaps just to understand. Kevin's hands remained on Jay's face and showed no inclination toward letting him go. Licking his lips and the taste of the other off them he finally whispered, "Yer fuckin' crazy, ya know tha'?" His soft Georgian accent was abandoned for the first time since he woke from that nightmare, now speaking with his adopted southern accent. Strangely enough, even with that dazed look not showing any signs of fleeing his eyes, Kevin was actually smiling. It was faint, that sort of smile a person got after something incredible they could barely comprehend.
It was crazy that Kevin gave into him now. Being less of a leader and more of a follower, Jay was in this new position of taking Kevin, stroke by stroke, through their kiss. The jaw relaxed, a muffled sigh in between breaths that set the pace for his heart. Was it luck that he was here, that he hadn't left, instead making the choice to stay? No that was it. It was choice. Not luck. Though he hadn't thought Kevin was gay. Was he just coming out? His kiss was almost shy, wanting to pull away yet not - basking in the intensity that came from Jay. He was still careful though. He would have to remind himself of that constantly. Always careful.
"So ya keep tellin' me," he smiled back, his hands interlocking over Kevin's own and it felt too long for their lips to be apart. He licked his own lips in mimic to Kevin. His reckless abandonment scared him - this whole idea scared him, putting himself out there for Kevin. There wasn't a single regret now that he had done it. He had forced himself to stop second guessing his own esteem and went out on a limb. The smile that he received was payment enough, and he closed the distance between them again, for another kiss, a confirmation of what had happened had indeed happened.
Kevin's smile turned bolder, almost cockily sarcastic. "Well, ya keep on provin' it. Ah figure maybe if Ah poin' it out 'nuff you'll maybe catch on, stop doin' stupid stuff 'fore yer head 'splodes er suttin'." And the odds of that? Kevin was thinking very, very low. It occurred to Kevin there were things he was going to have to think about. Like he didn't do enough thinking? He rambled on at the mouth a fair bit sometimes, but there was at least four times that volume that streamed through his head unceasingly and went unsaid. It was funny that he wasn't thinking about things, he was thinking about the things he'd have to think about. Stuff like if this made him gay. Was he gay? Had he not realized it? Did it matter if he was gay? Did it matter if he wasn't? Did he like Jay? Did he even know him enough to like him? Did normal people think this much after a fucking kiss? Then again...did a kiss do to normal people what Jay had just done to him? Did Jay even conceive of what he'd done to him?
The thoughts of future topics of consideration chased themselves through Kevin's mind, each coming on the heels of the one before it. All of this was abruptly halted and erased from his racing mind the moment Jay kissed him again. That made everything quieter in his head. Quieter was probably much better than the alternative right now. Weird things tended to happen when Kevin started thinking. The response this time was instantaneous. His thumbs stretched backward and hooked around Jay's pinkies, further interlocking their hold on one another. Holding on, not pushing away, that wasn't Kevin would have predicted. Maybe not ever. Yet he did it now. He was so careful though, so incredibly consumed with the thought of not hurting Jay even as he leaned into him, bringing their bodies closer but mindful no flesh but their lips connected. It wasn't that hard for Kevin really, it was always something he was aware of, he wasn't even sure he could shut it off if he wanted to.
It was so easy to let go right now. To let go and want something. Someone. Kevin swore Jay made him swallow fire. His veins seemed to scorch him from the inside. He wasn't complaining.
He was afraid this moment between them wouldn't last, like it would be morning and things would return back to normal; they would return back to normal. the typical Cinderella story. Thats why he wanted to make it last, to stretch that moment into minutes. Kevin could have an epiphany and decide this wasn't what he wanted, Jay wasn't what he wanted. The chance in that was very high.
It made Jay break the kiss again, and regard Kevin with a somber disposition. He pulled their hands away from his face, but didn't let them go. "Ya gonna want this in tha morn?" he asked quietly between them. Kevin was a good kisser, sexy and mysterious. Jay liked him, a lot, and even if he didn't know him all that well, he didn't care. He could get to know him, though Jay was already pretty familiar with his snarky attitude. He convinced himself that it was an endearing trait.
So serious, Jay looked so serious and Kevin couldn't help thinking his roommate had adopted what was usually his own slot. He also couldn't blame him. He thought he understood where that question came from, it wasn't much different from when he'd asked why him, was it? It was an important question and the answer wasn't necessarily as simple as it seemed like it should be. Nothing was with Kevin, was it?
Chewing on his bottom lip, he thought, mind moving quickly. He wanted to give the most truthful answer he could but he didn't want to answer prematurely. But the time stretched out and seemed to swallow the night and he knew being the one waiting when it did that was horrible. Looking down at their hands, Kevin found himself taking his left hand away just enough so he could twist his arm enough to hold Jay's hand properly. It seemed somehow fitting to have at least one hand held normally and one not, and he had no intention of changing the other hands.
Finally thinking he had the answer he needed, and still chewing on his lip, Kevin began to very slowly nod. "Ah migh' suck at it sometimes. Y'know, wit' tha close an' everythin'. 'Cause...Ah'm not used ta it. An' Ah'm fine...now. Here. With you. Bu'...Ah migh' still freak out sometimes. 'Cause it's sorta what Ah do." He was being very quiet, like if he spoke too loudly things he said may change. Kevin was very careful when he spoke, choosing the words he needed and not letting himself rush through the explanation. "Ah mean Ah'll try not ta...freak out. Bu' Ah can't promise, Ah won't...'cause Ah don't like lying. But, yeah, Ah'll still wan' 't in tha mornin'." Kevin stopped and took a deep breath, feeling it was rather important to add another phrasing, but a little scared of saying it. Still, he forced the words out of his mouth before his backbone failed him. The nerves were apparent on his face and his eyes flicked away from Jay's face and back down to their hands. "'Cause Ah'll still wan' you. If tha's okay with ya."
Jay couldn't help but be this way, waiting moment for moment, for the ground breaking news that either Kevin wanted this, or he didn't want it. How it reminded him of his first love and the confessions they made together. He wasn't sure he could commit again like that, but they hadn't defined their relationship yet. Or whatever it was that they had. It hadn't begun, and could end just as fast. That was the scary part. Kevin could just up and leave, or maybe he would die. They both seemed likely, and Jay mentally tried to push those thoughts aside. He was being stupid. Kevin wasn't like that, wouldn't die or leave. He was just very much like Jay, which annoyed and attracted him at the same time.
But those words were hesitant, yet searching for Jay to also confess what he wanted. As if Kevin couldn't tell, and yet, he still hadto tell him, just in case. "We'll deal with wha' eva we gotta," he said confidently, even though he didn't feel that way. He wasn't too sure he could handle someone freaking out all the time, but he would try because he wanted to try. Kevin was willing to tolerate him and they could make it work. His hand tightened over the one that moved and he pushed off the ground, pulling Kevin to his feet, to his body. He wanted to feel him, all of him and be closer then they ever had been. And he didn't care if Kevin freaked out.
Where Jay learned to be so confident when things involved a freak like Kevin was a bit incomprehensible. Maybe he was delusional. Maybe he wasn't grasping how entirely nonfunctional Kevin was. Or maybe he had some sort of odd faith in Kevin to stop being such a freak about everything that it wasn't absolutely necessary to be a freak about. God, he hoped that wasn't it because Kevin was sure he'd probably sorely disappoint Jay if it was and he didn't really want to do that. Not on purpose.
Suddenly being pulled to his feet without warning was jarring enough. Finding himself more or less plastered against Jay was on a scale Kevin didn't have the vocabulary to describe. The usual reaction was immediate, breath caught in throat and body tensing. Deep breath. And again. And again. Kevin had to close his eyes in order to concentrating. Breathing had to come first, he couldn't relax if he didn't breath. Letting the tension go from his body slowly, his eyes opened slowly once he felt his body close to normal. It was the first time he'd ever realized just how much taller than himself Jay was. "Ya jus' like findin' new buttons ta try out, don't ya?"
He didn't wait for Kevin to relax, but pulled the other against him. His hands climbed up the curve of his sides, along his backstraps and down again.He was mindful not to go beneath the shirt, but god, he wanted to. It was painful not to touch the other intimately. To hold back, and bite down on the desire threatening to force itself out. Restraint was not one of his better qualities, not when he felt like this. Kevin had the same name as his first love and they even acted the same to a certain degree. Jay took the lead then and he took the lead now, though he was far from being a leader in the school. No thanks. Behind closed doors was the only place he liked to let go. "Maybe." He smirked.
Kevin gave Jay a look laced with sarcasm, though it didn't get to last too long. Neither did his open eyes as they fell shut slowly while he concentrated on the way his skin tingled despite the layers separating it from the hands that roamed over. Why did Kevin feel like he was biting his lip a whole lot with Jay around tonight? He hadn't even realized he'd done it until he started to smile faintly. "'Maybe' meanin' 'yeah' ya mean." Without bothering to pry his eyes shut, a hand slid around Jay's waist, following it to the small of his back where it settled. Following impulse, his other hand reached up and pulled Jay down into a kiss. Maybe comfortable was possible, Kevin realized. Maybe it could happen and he'd be okay and no flip out on Jay all the fucking time like he sort of suspected he might. There were a lot of maybes involved though.
Jay wanted to run his hands through Kevin's hair. To coax him to close his eyes through the sheer enjoyment of feeling a caress, a touch from someone else. He knew how it felt to be touched, to enjoy it. It wasn't' often Jay wanted to be touched at all. He preferred to keep people at a distance, even friends, though Terry insisted on jumping all over him. This was different though, intimacy he didn't see, or share often and wanted to bask in it, if he hadn't been so tired. He could feel his own eyes wanting to close, would have liked to curl up with Kevin and sleep, but that was dangerous too. The kiss momentarily swept sleep from his mind and he softened to it. Fixing his hands on the railing, Jay pressed his body against Kevin's, pinning him to the banister, showing him just how much he was the center of Jay's arousal. "We gotta go ta bed," he whispered when he came up for air, only to continue the kiss.
Being pinned against the banister and having Jay's point so silently yet so loudly stated made his eyebrows shoot up. Thankfully, Jay was a little preoccupied and couldn't see the reaction, though the small chill that ran up Kevin's spine made him shiver a little and that Jay probably could feel. "Mmhmm," was hummed against Jay's lips as a response, though Kevin was immediately thinking about how he wasn't actually that tired. About the problems sleep brought. About how all those problems were related to the fact that he wanted to stay like this. Pinned against Jay. For someone so reluctant to let himself get close enough to anyone to touch them out of fear of hurting them, Kevin was sure as hell reluctant to give up contact when he had it. When he had it and wasn't freaking out about it, but rather wanting it. And that posed problems. Safety problems. Kissing Jay kept Kevin from freaking out about all those problems and complications he was coming up with. Useful side effect. Now, if he could think of ways to fix most of them so the unconscious aspect was less of an issue, then it'd be okay.
Sleep pulled at him despite the fact that Kevin was kissing him. He enjoyed it too, for once, having a more pressing reason to push sleep back. But the farther he pushed it away from it, the harder it pulled at him. He was fighting sleep heavily even though he didn't want to. He broke the kiss, though his lips lingered an inche away from Kevin's, so muchthat he could taste the other's breath. "Ya ain't gonna let me go ta bed huh? Ah reckon we'll both be zombies by tomorrow." And tomorrow was creeping into today. He even figured it was tomorrow instead of today.
"Ah'll let ya sleep," he smiled a little, as if Jay was whining over something he shouldn't have been. "Ya ferget, Ah been wakin' up not too long after now since Ah been back from Muir fer tha mos' part. Ah'm kinda wide awake. Maybe Ah'll go fer a walk," though there was a note of something in his voice that suggested he didn't really want to be parted from Jay. It wasn't a clingy thing like he suddenly had to have Jay with him everywhere. It was more a fear that if parted Kevin would resort back to his general freakishness when it came
"No, Ah don't think so. Yer comin' ta bed with me," Jay said, reaching for one of Kevin's hands and linking them together. He bent down and fetched his guitar off the ground. Then pulled Kevin towards him while walking backwards. "Even if Ah hav'ta sing ya to sleep, yer gonna go." Because if Kevin was sleeping, then Jay could too without worry. He didn't think it was safe at night for Kevin to be walking alone, even though his roommate had far less to worry about then those who choose to attack him.
Kevin pouted a little, but he bent down and gathered up the rest of his discarded clothing. Hoodie, he definitely had to find a hoodie. Oh, wait, hello, hooded shirt he'd taken off! "Few kisses an' now Ah'm worth singin' ta? Yer so easy," he was kidding, but Kevin couldn't help poking a little fun of Jay. That was probably never going to change, no matter what this turned into. How could anyone give up teasing or mocking him? He let himself be pulled back into the house, mentally figuring out how he could stay close without hurting Jay. Stupid unconsciousness.
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