Jay & Kevin | Wednesday afternoon
Dec. 5th, 2007 11:50 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
x-wither.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
xp_logsKevin's trying not to be as much of a recluse, Jay's got a grand plan, they fight, they make up, panic attack ensues....it's just never easy with them.
Warning: For sexuality
Kevin had been hiding for the large part for about two weeks. Everyone was overcome with holiday joy but it all just depressed him really. His dad hadn't been gone long enough for him to have adjusted to holidays without him, but then Kevin wondered if he'd ever adjust. He hadn't even seen much of Jay. Normally after a day or two he'd run into him unless he was purposely avoiding the winged guy, but it'd been a few days on now without more than a passing hello at best. Kevin had been getting up early and spending most of the day in the machine shop when he wasn't required to go talk about his feelings, fucking joy that was.
In an attempt to recapture some sort of normalcy, he decided to hang out in his room for the day. He kept the door open so he didn't feel like he was being half as reclusive as he was. He'd even moved some of the decorations Dani had left on their door to the bedroom door. Really, he could force the holiday spirit upon himself, couldn't he? He wasn't paying attention to that, though, but rather the sketchbook he'd become distracted by.
For the most part of the week, Jay took to driving around New York and applying for jobs. It was such a shame he was only nineteen because he would have hit up all the bars in an attempt to snag something there. His birthday was coming up, so he eagerly waited for that. He didn't know how well the money would come in if he had a job like that, but he knew he could at least manage to get a job with the wings on his back. Nightlife seemed more forgiving to the oddities of mutants.
He had also done his fair share of avoidance with Forge. Put out by his friend's opinion of his relationship with Kevin, he felt a taint on it that wasn't there before. All because two of his friends destined it bound for disaster. In this though, he also avoided Kevin, trying to cleanse himself of the feeling, shaking off the label that they so carelessly slapped on him. It was a few days past before he started feeling relatively normal again, and not so miserable that he just wanted to crawl back into his hole of a room. Returning to the mansion mid day, Jay was surprised to see Kevin sitting in their suite when he walked in. "Hey," he said, tossing the keys on a nearby table, slipping out of his shoes and paused to pull at a broken blood feather from his right wing.
It wasn't until Jay spoke that Kevin even realized anyone had entered. It was a few moments after that when he registered it was Jay that had come in. Sometimes it was easy to forget where you were and who might come round that place if you were concentrated enough on the thing in front of you. "Hey," the greeting came without Kevin looking up. He'd stopped the sketching to put all of his focus on soldering a miniature guitar's side on. He had to yank his hand back suddenly as he nearly soldered his naked hand onto it as well. "Ow," he grumbled and finally looked up at Jay. He noted the blood feather and frowned slightly, also ow.
"Whatcha up to?" That was the right question when you hadn't seen your boyfriend in a while even though you lived with him, right? Was Jay actually his boyfriend? The smile that had been forming on Kevin's face fell into a frown as he just started to confuse himself in his head trying to figure out what he and Jay were because they didn't really talk about that and maybe that was better, to not label it, but then stupid people sometimes thought Kevin was leading Jay on and he wondered if that was why.
Grabbing the feather on the back of his wing was similar to trying to scratch a section of your back that you couldn't quite reach. He didn't really have a good look at what Kevin was doing, only that he was doing it on the couch and burned himself. After a few seconds of fighting with his wing, he gave up and let the feather hang there. Though every shift of it caused a brief pain rippling up his shoulder, like a sliver would just beneath the skin. Everypart of him crawled with that feeling and he went into the kitchenette, searching. "Ya don' gotta pair o' pliers, do ya?" He could have easily asked Kevin to pull it, but Jay was trying to be self sufficient.
When he didn't find any in the drawer, Jay gave up momentarily and fished out three pamphlets from his pocket, leaning on the counter to read one. The front read Bartenders Academy of New York - his latest money making idea. "Ah'm thinkin' 'bout takin' a course fer bartendin'. It's cheap an' they place ya right after ya take tha two week course. It would set me up fer January. Wha'd'ya think?" He looked up and saw Kevin frowning. "Wha's wrong?"
"Pliers? Erm, Ah might, in mah room." Kevin got up from the couch, taking his little project with him, and padded off into his room. Pulling the drawer of his desk open he rifled through various metal bits and bobs. "Erm, why ya need pliers anyway?" He shrugged to himself and put the soldering iron and half a guitar body down. It could cool. He still had plans to sketch for it anyway. Kevin made a sound of triumph and pulled something out, then frowned. "Needle nose okay? Ah don' think Ah got normal ones around."
He slid out of his room on his socks before heading over to Jay, though he probably should have found his gloves first. Eh, he could just be careful. He was always careful, it would just be more careful. "Ain't ya too young ta bartend legally?" He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head to the side. "'Less yer intendin' ta not be legal 'bout it. Are ya?" He had purposely not answered what was wrong because technically nothing was wrong. Kevin was just confusing himself, which he tended to do some times.
"Ah need ta pull a feather out, or Ah'm gonna be feelin' icky all night long," came his reply from the kitchenette. "Needle nose fine." He opened the other two pamphlets and set them down on the counter, comparing prices and crossed his arms, tucking them closer to his stomach as he leaned over. He didn't look up from reading the pamphlets but held out his hand to take the pliers.
"One o' tha schools is mutie friendly, but Ah ain't sure 'bout the other two." Standing upright, he slid the piece of paper across to Kevin. "This one 'ere is the mutie one, an' Ah think they're all pretty reasonable. Ah don' need ta be twenty one ta hold a license. Ya only gotta be eighteen in New York." Jay had forgotten immediately to ask Kevin again, being so distracted by this new idea, this change he was looking for. "An Ah'll get placement after Ah get it. So Ah don't need ta go lookin' hard fer a bar that'll be mutant friendly. Not ta mention, if Ah get one o' 'em singing bars, Ah could try out a couple 'o songs on tha crowd. Wha'd'ya think?" He smiled, excited by the prospect.
"Sounds good. Think ya'd be happy, though?" Kevin carefully dropped the pliers into Jay's hand, sure to not let their hands come into contact. "Ah mean, they fin' ya a freak frien'ly place, but tha' don' mean everyone in there is. No' tryin' ta crush yer dreams er nothin', just somethin' ta remember. Someone who don' like tha freaks'd find it an easy target ta be pickin' fights and findin' people ta take their aggression out on." Kevin's voice betrayed the concern he had over that particular situation where his face did not.
He walked around behind Jay and tried to find the blood feather again. "Ah'm not sure yer gonna reach this all tha' easily. Ah could jus' pull it fer ya." Though that meant inflicting a slight amount of pain, which he didn't really like.
"Ah think Ah'd be happy," he confessed, frowning, and pointed the pliers at Kevin. "Ah ain't no freak an' Ah wish ya wouldn't say tha'." For whatever reason, being called that rubbed him the wrong way even though Kevin was just casually making conversation, voicing his concerns. "Where ever ya go, they gonna get ya an' beat ya anyways. It's better ta be at a place tha' someone'll help ya out then bein' in a place that won'. 'Sides, Ah can handle maself." Or at least he was determined to.
Because Kevin didn't have his gloves on, Jay folded his wings close to his body and shifted, holding the pliers out. "Nah, Ah can get it'. It'll only take me a minute o' two." It was actually harder then it looked and he was being stubborn, not wanting to admit that he couldn't grasp a feather off his wing.
"Maybe yer not, but some o' us are an' some place tha's freak-friendly gonna attract tha ones tha' are. Ah didn' say they'd come fer you, jus' tha' they'd come. An' you'd be there, nothin' says they won' decide yer a good one ta pick on, all official-like bein' employed there. Makes a statement, don' it?" He frowned, "An' nothin' says anyone would help. Sometimes it's more important gettin' outta tha way. You really think tha people would stay an' help over keep themsel'es safe? Don't reckon most o' 'em would really." Maybe that was too cynical to be saying to Jay, but the human race was mostly self-serving. Just because they could fly or blast things with their eyes or teleport didn't make mutants any different.
Kevin took several steps back from Jay, folding his arms over his chest as he did. He did not say what it was he thought. Jay didn't trust him. That feather was in an odd place to reach on your own, Kevin could see that. It'd be easy for him to do it. But Jay wouldn't let him. He didn't even trust Kevin to not fuck up and hurt him and that stung. Kevin stayed silent and kept more distance between them than was necessary. If Jay didn't trust him to not hurt him he wouldn't be anywhere near close enough to do it then.
"Ya ain' a freak either, so stop sayin' it cause Ah don' like it. An' it don' matter if Ah'm there workin' cause its tha same as bein' 'ere. Ya think this place is safe cause o' all tha mutants? No, not really, but we're 'ere arn't we? In tha bar, it ain' no different. Ah think Ah would get more help from a fellow mutant than not, al'ight? People just don' stay outta it all tha time cause they don' wanna be noticed. They gonna still beat me even if Ah didn' have these wings, cause Ah'm gay. An' Ah'm sick o' bein' a bum 'round 'ere wit nuttin' ta do but writin' songs. This'll be an opportunity fer me ta branch out an' test ma songs." He tried pulling his wing around in front of him,but all it did was complicate things. "Look, yer all up in arms 'bout it an' Ah havn't even started takin' tha classes."
He went to reach behind him, but noticed the sudden change in Kevin's posture. His shoulders tensed and it was almost like he was shooting daggers at him. He dropped his hands and sighed. "Don' look at me that way. Ah didn' mean it like tha', an' you know it."
"An' you not likin' it makes it not true?" There was a defiance in Kevin's voice about the topic of his freak versus non-freak nature. It wasn't something his opinion wavered on and it wasn't likely to now either. "Yer boyfriend's a freak," he didn't stop to consider whether or not boyfriend was the right term and whether or not he should be using it at the moment. "Fuck, Jay, he's a freak among freaks an' ya can't try ta sugar coat 'round that. No matter wha' pretty words anyone wanna come up with ta take tha place of 'freak' it don' change the reality of it. Ah can't function like normal people do. Ah can't even function like normal mutants do. Ah'm a fucking freak, Jay. An' tha's fine." It wasn't really, but for the purposes of this conversation Kevin was going to decide it was. "Bu' it's wha' Ah am. Jus' 'cause Ah look normal don' mean nothin'."
The topic had erased all thought of the complications of bartending in a mutant-friendly place, or of the many ways in which Kevin was imagining Jay being hurt. He didn't even address the feather thing, even though that was grating under his skin in a way he was sure was going to take years off his life. No, he had to make this very clear for some reason. Kevin was a freak, that would never change and Jay had to accept it.
"Yes, but--" he was cut off by the sudden snap in Kevin. He let go of his wing and pointed the pliers at Kevin. "Stop it," he growled. His boyfriend wasn't a freak. Neither of them were but Kevin pressed on, and he raised his voice against the rant. "Stop it, al'ght?" He said, getting angry. It didn't just make him mad, it offended him too, and it was cruel of Kevin to be saying it. Did Kevin delight in saying this to him? "Shut up--" he gritted his teeth at the word spat over and the reasons to go with it. Jay narrowed his eyes. "Ah didn't realize ya were so superficial, asshole. Go fuck yerself." Jay slammed the pliers down on the counter because it was better then throwing them. "Ah don't have ta listen ta this." He gathered the pamphlets and headed for the door.
Kevin's eyes narrowed. "Righ', ya don' hafta listen to it. Ya don't hafta stay. Ya don' hafta deal wit' me at all. Bu' leaving don' change nothin' none, either." Kevin shook his head and as he was in the middle of the path to the door he stepped aside. This one he'd let Jay leave if he was so damned determined. Of course, he didn't guarantee he'd be here when Jay pulled his head out of his ass and came back, either. "Ah ain't bein' superficial, but Ah ain't goin' ta tip toe 'round the fact that if Ah wanted to reach out right now an' kiss you Ah couldn't. It goes beyond unnatural wha' Ah am an' Ah ain't abou' ta buy inta tha lies say otherwise. So fuckin' leave, then. Don' change wha' Ah am."
He wanted to leave because it was easier then fighting about this, easier than having to listen to Kevin belittle himself. He didn't stalk past Kevin though, nor did he make it even past the counter. He didn't want to leave but only threatened to leave so that they would stop fighting. He didn't even know how this started so fast. One second they were having a civil conversation and then the next, they were in a heated argument. He grabbed a fist full of Kevin's shirt by his shoulder, his eyes pleading as much as they were angry. "But ya can kiss me anytime ya want. Why ya always gotta fight with me? Ya can't even fuckin' give in fer once? Just we're both goddamn freaks an' tha's all there is to it to ya. Yer way or tha highway. No give 'ere. Maybe it don' change wha ya are, but it also don' change how Ah feel 'bout ya."
The contrast of emotion in Jay's eyes threw Kevin unbalanced almost as much as having his shirt grabbed. "Kiss you, yeah, can't touch you. Ah touch you righ' now an' wha' happens? Ya find yerself without a shirt, fer one. It was the grabbing not the kissing tha' was the poin', Jay." Kevin's eyes roamed over Jay's torso only for an eyebrow to quirk. That...was not cotton. "Tha point was tha' on a daily basis?" His fingers teased the bottom edge of the shirt, eyes watching carefully to note that nothing happened. Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered it was a rather familiar shirt, but the thought was pushed to the side.
Kevin's bare hands rested on Jay's hips where the shirt covered them and he gently pushed him back until he was up against the counter, unable to move further. "On a daily basis Ah can't do this," his voice had dropped to little more than a whisper. His hands slid up Jay's sides, careful not to pull the material of the thin shirt with them. "Even though Ah wanna," he continued to explain. "Or other things I wan' ta," Kevin laid a soft kiss on the side of Jay's throat. "Ways I wan' ta touch you," he brushed another one further up his neck. "Or places my hands wanna roam," this time the kiss was placed high up on Jay's jaw. He whispered very softly into his boyfriend's ear, "But Ah can't. 'Cause I'd hurt ya. An' Ah couldn't live wit' tha'. No matter wha' kinda hurt it was I caused on ya."
The aggressive handle he had on Kevin loosened at the distracting play with the bottom of his shirt. Their proximity alone was a distraction, a cautious distraction with Kevin's gloves off. So rarely did Kevin take them off around Jay that this pivotal moment of comfort could cost them so much if the slightest mistake was made. But they were always so careful; Kevin was so careful. His grip loosened further until the flat of his palm rested on the shoulder, inclining his head. He often wore Kevin's shirts nowadays, enjoying his boyfriend's scent on him, being as much of protection. It was a wonder that Kevin hadn't noticed his laundry had doubled since they became a couple.
Kevin, being the stronger of the two of them, forced Jay to walk backwards until the cool of the counter touched the base of his spine. His eyes dropped, turning his head slightly off to the side, disarmed again. Kevin controlled and Jay submitted. Kevin spoke and Jay listened. His mind blanked at the kiss, and he held his breath, waiting for the next, silently pleading for it. His own hands rested on Kevin's chest, leaning heavily against the counter and closed his eyes. Oh, the things he wanted to do, the way he wanted to touch Kevin was a tender ache that choked, threatening to cut off his struggle for air. His body trembled beneath the touch, and Jay's hot breath kissed the collarbone, trailing the imaginary kisses up Kev's neck. His lips were close, so close that promises of a kiss were left in its wake. But the truth lay between them like a lining, taunting to be crossed and he opened his eyes, meeting Kevin's.
Kevin's skin was sensitive enough that nothing more than breath was needed to gather a reaction from him. He shivered a little, head tilting to the side so his neck stretched bare and open beneath Jay's lips. For him just the ghosts of kisses trailing across his skin was an intense feeling and Kevin wondered, not for the first time, if his reaction was the same that others had. He didn't actually realize how much more sensitive his skin was to touch from not having been touched for the past two years. Jay was the one reason he didn't care there were things he'd never gotten to experience the normal way. Actually, Jay made him grateful for it. Because of all the things he didn't do before manifestation there was no frame of reference for anything. So many things were the first time and because they were there was never a chance that for Kevin it wouldn't be enough. He couldn't long for something he'd once had. He'd long for more, he was certain he'd always want more of Jay, but didn't everyone? Didn't everyone want to be lit on fire like this? But it made him worry sometimes, worry that for Jay it wouldn't be enough. He wouldn't be enough.
But then Jay looked at him like that. Kevin pulled his arm further into the long sleeved shirt he wore as his bottom layer. His hand stretched the material, fingertips looking for flaws, holes, snags while he simply stared into those hazel eyes. Not having found any issues with the sleeve, Kevin reached up to cup the side of Jay's face, sure to keep the sleeve covering his hand. He even smiled at his boyfriend as his thumb trailed back and forth over his cheek. "But it'll work," he whispered, lips hovering over Jay's. "Won't let it not work." Yeah, he was a freak but Kevin'd be damned if he didn't think up ways around it just so he could touch his boyfriend. When he gave in, crumpled really, and kissed Jay it was searing. It came dangerously close to the line of not being safe, but Kevin had memorized Jay's face and its dimensions. He knew how close he could press while keeping Jay safe from his skin. Now he kissed him hard, pressing in so close he was sure he could feel that imaginary line press against his cheek.
Jay wanted to kiss his neck, if only for a second, but seconds cost minutes, and minutes cost days. There was no telling how long it would take to recover from something like that, or if he would recover at all, and thus, didn't push it beyond the limit between them. But he wanted to. Boy did he ever want to and it ached in his body. He was positive he had never felt this way, but if he did, he'd long since forgotten what it was like. It seemed nothing but new to him. The intensity in Kevin's eyes caught his breath and captured in his mind, telling himself he would remember that look, that flawless raw emotion pouring between them from one moment into the next. He would never forget it, and it was burned in his head, a visual stimulation that he was sure he could reflect on whenever he was feeling down and out.
His eyes dropped to Kevin's hands disappearing into his shirt, and a question formed on his lips but fell away when the sleeves reached up and took him. He had already known what Kevin was doing, even though he was going to ask the question. His fingers tightened, balling his hands into a fist, clutching at Kevin's shirt. The promise of trying to make it work made his heart leap into his throat, and he pressed his lips against Kevin's, drawn up in the passionate moment that forced a moan from his mouth. If only, if they could just.
That moan brought a small whimper from Kevin's own throat. He didn't even know what he was doing where Jay was concerned, where that us was concerned. Kevin made it up as he went, let himself follow where his feelings wanted to go. The problem was right now Kevin had this impulse toward things that had not been figured out for safety yet. But, God, did he ever want Jay in the most consuming and intimate way possible right now. But he couldn't. That wanting and that frustration poured into the kiss as he parted lips with his tongue.
If it was possible to burn from a kiss, or from a desire, a want, a need, then Kevin was sure he'd be nothing but ashes by the end of the day. His hands left Jay's face, trailing down the sides of his neck to his shoulders. The friction of cloth on cloth pulled at his sleeves so his hands could come back out, roaming where they wanted, memorizing Jay's body in ways they hadn't before.
Jay was caught up in the moment. They were too caught up in the moment, and yet he couldn't stop himself, could not break that kiss that broke his mouth open, tongues eagerly colliding. It was a fight of desperation to touch, and the fine line between them was so sharp that it could draw blood. Only their consequences would be much greater. He felt himself spinning and he moaned again, clutching, pulling at Kevin's shirt, then letting go, trailing down the curves of his sides and sinking his fingers into the flesh. The fabric was the only thing that separated them. The only thing. If only. Only if. The 'what if's' raced through his mind, one canceling out the next. The sexual tension was suffocating, threatening to burst and his hands went further down, gripping Kevin's hips and grinding against him.
Several sharp breaths were drawn in as Jay's hands moved. There was no such thing as lost for Kevin. To be completely lost in his boyfriend and in this would cost them too greatly. This was as lost as he got, pushing lines and boundaries until the bowed gently under his pressure. His focus was on Jay, on his mouth, on how the softness of his stomach gave way to the muscles lying beneath, on the musculature of his back. His hands mapped his boyfriend's back, careful to not brush against the feathers of his wings. A half-strangled moan came from the grinding of Jay's hips into his and his hands had to stop moving, gripping Jay tightly as his hips instinctively answered, grinding back.
There was nothing to compare to this and he broke the kiss with his smile. His lips lingered close, their heavy breath mixing, basking in his boyfriend's musky scent. His smile dropped, brushing their lips together. His smile grew again, playfully toying with their limits. His wings were sprawled awkwardly to each side and he opened them up more, resting them against the counter. Hooking his fingers into the belt loops, he pulled Kevin against him again, though this time, he did it slowly upwards, drawing in the sensations that they got just from the rough fabric. His wings helped, using the counter and pushed away from the edge as though they couldn't get close enough.
Kevin bit his lip in the face of that smile. That smile undid him every fucking time and he swore Jay knew that. Hey captured Jay's lower lip between his teeth gently, tugging and sucking on it lightly until his attention was dragged away with Jay's pulling them closer together. Friction. Bliss and torment all at the same time. Kevin shivered once and his hips pressed Jay back against the counter until he felt his boyfriend connect with the surface. "Jay," he whispered the name but no words followed as he licked a trail back down the side of his neck, half considering marking him, just to know he was Kevin's.
Jay laughed, his lower lip caught in Kevin's teeth and he closed that distance, pressing their lips together again briefly. His smile remained, unable to break his eyes away. Kevin's eyes promised many unpromisable acts, even though they couldn't get past that single barrier that separated them. Unable to be physical, he was determined to find ways around it. He wanted to be Kevin's solution, the answer when he sought with questions. The silent reprieve from the abandonment from those around them. His hands trailed up, lightly touching Kevin's elbows, and cupping them, stroking with his thumbs. Tilting his head away, he inclined his chin touching his collarbone, and sighed, breathing Kevin's name as a question to his whisper.
There was something about getting a response like this from Jay that made Kevin swear no art could be as beautiful. Jay was the single most beautiful thing there was right now. Incomparable. He nipped at the skin just next to the collar of his shirt. Clothing, bane and savior of Kevin's existence. He reached up and pulled the shirt to the side, exposing untouched flesh. Kisses outlined the collar bone until it was nearly to the shoulder at which point he paused just for a moment. He licked the spot as if marking it before his mouth wrapped around the area and he began to suck on the skin very softly. Kevin wanted Jay marked, that didn't mean he wanted anyone else to know it was there.
Jay opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again when he realized what Kevin was doing. His smiled stretched, and he hungrily took in Kevin's scent along his neck while Kevin fastened his lips to Jay. The blood rushed to his head, and he reddened to the intimate touch of lips against his skin. His fingers pressed into Kev's elbows and he released them, grazing up his arms and down in between them. One hand stopped at the waist, while the other continued on, idly pausing at the zipper of his jeans. He tugged on the tab, and turned his head, barely inches from Kevin's cheek. His voice was low, a whisper sung to his own sweet angel's harmony. "If I profane with my unworthiest hand, his holy shrine, the gentle fine is this - m y lips, two blushing pilgrims - ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."
Breathing came shallow and progressively faster with the wandering of Jay's hands. It turned ragged the lower they went, but his mouth did not release the skin it trapped. He did not pull away or try to in any way dissuade his boyfriend even though he knew this was potentially beating at the line of safe with the possibility of shattering it to hell. When he half felt and half heard his zipper being pulled down, the metal teeth parting, Kevin froze with his breath catching in his throat. Rather than pulling away his teeth sank into Jay, not nearly enough to inflict any actual pain unless Jay had a rather low pain tolerance, but enough that he had quite a grip on the shoulder. After a moment his posture relaxed and his eyes swiveled up in an attempt to peer at his boyfriend from the corner of his eye. Pretending he didn't want him to would be a blatant lie. Kevin ached and throbbed for it, but it was dangerous. It was walking the line and Jay would have to be careful.
Jay's hand froze at the pressure of teeth sinking into his flesh and he waited until Kevin relaxed before tugging the zipper down. He wasn't going to do anything that Kevin didn't want and he wasn't looking for anymore then Kevin wanted. The press against his jeans told Jay otherwise, and he debated on what he should do. That line. He wanted to cross it, but the reality in Kevin's eyes told him not to. It felt so right and he ignored the look, what he thought was a look and let his hands do the talking. The button came undone with a very practiced hand, and slipped inside, careful of skin to skin contact. He watched for the reaction he knew he would get.
The teeth relaxed when his button popped free. The sucking on Jay's skin had stopped with the teeth gripping him and restarted softly as his eyelids fluttered shut. A sharp, sudden intake of breath came at the very moment he felt Jay's rough, warm hand on him. The shoulder was released, forgotten, the shirt snapping back into place in time for Kevin's forehead to rest there as he gasped for breath he hadn't counted on losing. His hips rolled into the touch, encouraging despite his breathing coming in short, fast, erratic bursts. The reaction was a flood of opposition: desire, lust, want, need, fear, caution, terror. They all mingled to a point where one was indistinguishable from the other.
Kevin's hands grabbed onto Jay's waist, the material of the shirt balling in his fists as he tried to ground himself. He wanted this so fucking badly. He wanted everything and anything that could happen between them but pushing that line of safety, that line that kept Jay whole and beautiful and unhurt, was almost starting to induce a panic attack. Stopping would keep everyone safe. The grip he had on his boyfriend alone, fingers sinking into flesh as he gripped onto him, was a clear enough statement what he currently thought of safe. But his heart was trying to pound through his chest and his breath was going to suffocate him any moment.
His hand relaxed for a moment, watching Kevin carefully. It was encouragement he was looking for, seeking between them. A part of him knew he wanted this, yet he wanted to confirm that Kevin wanted it just as much. Jay swallowed at those hands touching him, grabbing in desperation and the short rapid breaths were forced to slow by the touch of his lips. His tongue flicked out, gently asking permission inside, and his hand worked as his tongue did. Kevin's hips buckled against him and he pressed his own body to the rhythm of his hand. His free hand rested on the muscular chest, roaming mindlessly over the fabric he so longed to rip off. Trailing upwards, he almost forgot himself, almost forgot that he couldn't touch that sensitive skin. Stopping just by the neckline, the hand trailed over the shoulder, down the bicep, giving a squeeze full of need. He swallowed again, breaking for air and trying to slow himself down. His heart hammered wildly against his chest, blotting out all but his lovers heavy breathing.
Kevin wondered if he'd choke on their tongues instead of the air he couldn't suck in quickly enough to be useful. Maybe he didn't need air at all. Maybe all he needed was Jay. His body shuddered, wracking and sudden. Kevin's hands held onto Jay harder, trying to stop himself from being tempted to let them roam. If they roamed they would try to find skin. Perfect, silken skin that would crumble under his fingertips. The image made him grateful for the kiss's break as he tensed. His shoulders went rigid at the image in his mind of Jay crumbling into ashes beneath his fingertips. The erratic nature of his breathing stepped up, became deeper and Kevin let go of Jay suddenly as he started to hyperventilate. He was so torn between what he wanted and what he feared but fear gripped him, running his skin cold. Kevin stepped backward, moving away from Jay and his hands and the temptation of him. The movement didn't stop until he hit a wall behind him and he slid down it, going slightly lightheaded as he tried to control his breathing but failed.
Immediately the shift between them broke the moment and Jay stopped himself, withdrawing his hand when he felt the shift in Kevin. It was so sudden that he panicked, and guilt churned in his stomach as Kevin backed away. Shit. He pushed him too far, pushing and rushing, he moved too fast for his boyfriend. Jay was on his knees in a heartbeat, sitting in front of Kevin, and spoke in a soft tone. "Hey, hey, " his hands smoothed over Kevin's legs repeatedly, and would have held Kev's hands had they been covered up. "Ah'm sorry. Slow down Kev, breath a little, take a deep breath." He didn't know what was happening, and for all he knew, Kevin could be having a heart attack and a part of him wanted to run to get someone, yet he didn't want to leave yet. "Are ya'll'right, Ah'm sorry. Ah didn't mean ta go too far. Kev?" he asked, a little more then worried that something was very wrong.
Kevin was shaking his head and trying to slide backward but the wall was unfortunately not moving. He wouldn't pull away from the hands on his legs but he knew he shouldn't let them be there. "Oh God," he mumbled to himself. "Ah can't, can'...you...can't..an' if ya are....god...can't..." Kevin was making sense, he thought he was anyway. Jay needed to stop. He needed to not be anywhere near Kevin. He had to be safe. He wasn't safe like this. Kevin wanted him close, closer than he was, but it wasn't safe for him. "You should...away...not here...not me...god..." His body kept shaking, trembling, as if he were outside in the cold but he knew it wasn't cold out. The shaking didn't make sense to him and Kevin wasn't sure what was going on but he knew that Jay had to be away from him. If Jay was close to him something awful would happen. Kevin muttered quietly, "ya'll die." He said it and tears leaked out from his eyes silently. Kevin hadn't even known they were building.
"Shit, Kev, Ah'm sorry. Ah--" He what? Didn't know what to say except to apologize and try to calm his boyfriend down. He felt helpless here, sitting in front of him, unable to sooth the very person that had stolen his heart in a matter of weeks. He had went too far, and felt so guilty for it, that he dared not try it again. Nothing was worse then feeling this way. He kept mentioning God, though he thought Kev was trying to swear rather then talk about God. It still worried Jay, and his hands stopped moving, squeezing his thighs as Jay tried to scoot closer. "Kev, c'mon, breath a lil' slower fer me, al'ight? Please?" he pleaded because Kevin in this state, scared him. "Ah won't die. Ah ain't goin' anywhere. Ah'm just right here, right now, with ya." And he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Not with Kevin in this state of mind. He just needed him to calm down, even a little bit but it didn't seem like it was happening."Ya want me ta get someone?" he asked, desperate.
None of Jay's words had effected him or even much gotten past Kevin's attempts to breathe more deeply, forgetting that was the inherent problem he was having with his breathing. That was, nothing got through until Jay asked if he should get someone and that made Kevin's eyes fly open wide. "No!" Going to get someone meant a lot of things. It meant Jay was leaving. Jay should leave. Kevin didn't want him to leave. But leaving would keep him safe from him and Jay needed to be safe. Kevin reached out, trying to put a hand on Jay's shoulder but the dizziness hit and he lost balance falling to the side but snatching his arm back. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the dizziness away and trying to hold his breath. Breathing was a problem. Easier to start over than slow. The dizziness ebbed away only after Kevin drew in a deep breath and then started to take shorter ones which helped it regulate. He mumbled only one word, "Sorry."
"Okay, Al'ight," he said, and quickly reached out to support Kevin's body when he wavered in his seated posture. He felt like an ass and embarrassment replaced his concern when he could visibly see Kevin gaining control of his breathing again. "No, No" he rushed onto say. "Don' be sorry. Tha one ta be sorry should be me. Ah didn'--" what? to say he didn't' mean it meant he didn't want it, and that was a blatant lie. He wanted it, he wanted Kevin and everything about him. He lingered in front of Kevin, helplessly hopeless in comforting his boyfriend for an act he did to cause Kevin's upset.
"Not your fault," Kevin mumbled. "S'mah fault." The trembling was reluctant to leave even after Kevin's breathing was back to normal. The dizziness tapered off and Kevin wondered why the panic attacks always came on so quickly and left so slowly. It was like a cat that dug its claws into flesh and made you pry them out to free yourself from the dangling feline. The trembling wouldn't stop, maybe he was cold, maybe it wasn't just the panic attack. Kevin wasn't sure. Everything was a bit muddled. He pulled his hands into his sleeves, balling the material in his hands and shifted, crawling closer to Jay until he could curl up with his head in his boyfriend's lap, careful to only let skin and hair touch where his shirt was.
It pained him that he could only sit here and watch as his boyfriend curled up into his lap. Though Kevin's shirt was durable against his mutation, Jay's jeans were not, and he opened his mouth to say as much,but Kev again, was careful. His lifted his hand to caress Kevin's hair,but his touch never reached. Linger in the air, he hesitated, almost forgetting himself and the hand returned to his side. Destined for doom. He said nothing else, because there wasn't anything to say. He couldn't comfort Kevin in the way he wanted to, nor could Kevin find what he needed to from Jay. Kevin Cabot surfaced to mind and he vowed silently to his dead lover that he would make this work. They would make it work. They had to.
Warning: For sexuality
Kevin had been hiding for the large part for about two weeks. Everyone was overcome with holiday joy but it all just depressed him really. His dad hadn't been gone long enough for him to have adjusted to holidays without him, but then Kevin wondered if he'd ever adjust. He hadn't even seen much of Jay. Normally after a day or two he'd run into him unless he was purposely avoiding the winged guy, but it'd been a few days on now without more than a passing hello at best. Kevin had been getting up early and spending most of the day in the machine shop when he wasn't required to go talk about his feelings, fucking joy that was.
In an attempt to recapture some sort of normalcy, he decided to hang out in his room for the day. He kept the door open so he didn't feel like he was being half as reclusive as he was. He'd even moved some of the decorations Dani had left on their door to the bedroom door. Really, he could force the holiday spirit upon himself, couldn't he? He wasn't paying attention to that, though, but rather the sketchbook he'd become distracted by.
For the most part of the week, Jay took to driving around New York and applying for jobs. It was such a shame he was only nineteen because he would have hit up all the bars in an attempt to snag something there. His birthday was coming up, so he eagerly waited for that. He didn't know how well the money would come in if he had a job like that, but he knew he could at least manage to get a job with the wings on his back. Nightlife seemed more forgiving to the oddities of mutants.
He had also done his fair share of avoidance with Forge. Put out by his friend's opinion of his relationship with Kevin, he felt a taint on it that wasn't there before. All because two of his friends destined it bound for disaster. In this though, he also avoided Kevin, trying to cleanse himself of the feeling, shaking off the label that they so carelessly slapped on him. It was a few days past before he started feeling relatively normal again, and not so miserable that he just wanted to crawl back into his hole of a room. Returning to the mansion mid day, Jay was surprised to see Kevin sitting in their suite when he walked in. "Hey," he said, tossing the keys on a nearby table, slipping out of his shoes and paused to pull at a broken blood feather from his right wing.
It wasn't until Jay spoke that Kevin even realized anyone had entered. It was a few moments after that when he registered it was Jay that had come in. Sometimes it was easy to forget where you were and who might come round that place if you were concentrated enough on the thing in front of you. "Hey," the greeting came without Kevin looking up. He'd stopped the sketching to put all of his focus on soldering a miniature guitar's side on. He had to yank his hand back suddenly as he nearly soldered his naked hand onto it as well. "Ow," he grumbled and finally looked up at Jay. He noted the blood feather and frowned slightly, also ow.
"Whatcha up to?" That was the right question when you hadn't seen your boyfriend in a while even though you lived with him, right? Was Jay actually his boyfriend? The smile that had been forming on Kevin's face fell into a frown as he just started to confuse himself in his head trying to figure out what he and Jay were because they didn't really talk about that and maybe that was better, to not label it, but then stupid people sometimes thought Kevin was leading Jay on and he wondered if that was why.
Grabbing the feather on the back of his wing was similar to trying to scratch a section of your back that you couldn't quite reach. He didn't really have a good look at what Kevin was doing, only that he was doing it on the couch and burned himself. After a few seconds of fighting with his wing, he gave up and let the feather hang there. Though every shift of it caused a brief pain rippling up his shoulder, like a sliver would just beneath the skin. Everypart of him crawled with that feeling and he went into the kitchenette, searching. "Ya don' gotta pair o' pliers, do ya?" He could have easily asked Kevin to pull it, but Jay was trying to be self sufficient.
When he didn't find any in the drawer, Jay gave up momentarily and fished out three pamphlets from his pocket, leaning on the counter to read one. The front read Bartenders Academy of New York - his latest money making idea. "Ah'm thinkin' 'bout takin' a course fer bartendin'. It's cheap an' they place ya right after ya take tha two week course. It would set me up fer January. Wha'd'ya think?" He looked up and saw Kevin frowning. "Wha's wrong?"
"Pliers? Erm, Ah might, in mah room." Kevin got up from the couch, taking his little project with him, and padded off into his room. Pulling the drawer of his desk open he rifled through various metal bits and bobs. "Erm, why ya need pliers anyway?" He shrugged to himself and put the soldering iron and half a guitar body down. It could cool. He still had plans to sketch for it anyway. Kevin made a sound of triumph and pulled something out, then frowned. "Needle nose okay? Ah don' think Ah got normal ones around."
He slid out of his room on his socks before heading over to Jay, though he probably should have found his gloves first. Eh, he could just be careful. He was always careful, it would just be more careful. "Ain't ya too young ta bartend legally?" He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head to the side. "'Less yer intendin' ta not be legal 'bout it. Are ya?" He had purposely not answered what was wrong because technically nothing was wrong. Kevin was just confusing himself, which he tended to do some times.
"Ah need ta pull a feather out, or Ah'm gonna be feelin' icky all night long," came his reply from the kitchenette. "Needle nose fine." He opened the other two pamphlets and set them down on the counter, comparing prices and crossed his arms, tucking them closer to his stomach as he leaned over. He didn't look up from reading the pamphlets but held out his hand to take the pliers.
"One o' tha schools is mutie friendly, but Ah ain't sure 'bout the other two." Standing upright, he slid the piece of paper across to Kevin. "This one 'ere is the mutie one, an' Ah think they're all pretty reasonable. Ah don' need ta be twenty one ta hold a license. Ya only gotta be eighteen in New York." Jay had forgotten immediately to ask Kevin again, being so distracted by this new idea, this change he was looking for. "An Ah'll get placement after Ah get it. So Ah don't need ta go lookin' hard fer a bar that'll be mutant friendly. Not ta mention, if Ah get one o' 'em singing bars, Ah could try out a couple 'o songs on tha crowd. Wha'd'ya think?" He smiled, excited by the prospect.
"Sounds good. Think ya'd be happy, though?" Kevin carefully dropped the pliers into Jay's hand, sure to not let their hands come into contact. "Ah mean, they fin' ya a freak frien'ly place, but tha' don' mean everyone in there is. No' tryin' ta crush yer dreams er nothin', just somethin' ta remember. Someone who don' like tha freaks'd find it an easy target ta be pickin' fights and findin' people ta take their aggression out on." Kevin's voice betrayed the concern he had over that particular situation where his face did not.
He walked around behind Jay and tried to find the blood feather again. "Ah'm not sure yer gonna reach this all tha' easily. Ah could jus' pull it fer ya." Though that meant inflicting a slight amount of pain, which he didn't really like.
"Ah think Ah'd be happy," he confessed, frowning, and pointed the pliers at Kevin. "Ah ain't no freak an' Ah wish ya wouldn't say tha'." For whatever reason, being called that rubbed him the wrong way even though Kevin was just casually making conversation, voicing his concerns. "Where ever ya go, they gonna get ya an' beat ya anyways. It's better ta be at a place tha' someone'll help ya out then bein' in a place that won'. 'Sides, Ah can handle maself." Or at least he was determined to.
Because Kevin didn't have his gloves on, Jay folded his wings close to his body and shifted, holding the pliers out. "Nah, Ah can get it'. It'll only take me a minute o' two." It was actually harder then it looked and he was being stubborn, not wanting to admit that he couldn't grasp a feather off his wing.
"Maybe yer not, but some o' us are an' some place tha's freak-friendly gonna attract tha ones tha' are. Ah didn' say they'd come fer you, jus' tha' they'd come. An' you'd be there, nothin' says they won' decide yer a good one ta pick on, all official-like bein' employed there. Makes a statement, don' it?" He frowned, "An' nothin' says anyone would help. Sometimes it's more important gettin' outta tha way. You really think tha people would stay an' help over keep themsel'es safe? Don't reckon most o' 'em would really." Maybe that was too cynical to be saying to Jay, but the human race was mostly self-serving. Just because they could fly or blast things with their eyes or teleport didn't make mutants any different.
Kevin took several steps back from Jay, folding his arms over his chest as he did. He did not say what it was he thought. Jay didn't trust him. That feather was in an odd place to reach on your own, Kevin could see that. It'd be easy for him to do it. But Jay wouldn't let him. He didn't even trust Kevin to not fuck up and hurt him and that stung. Kevin stayed silent and kept more distance between them than was necessary. If Jay didn't trust him to not hurt him he wouldn't be anywhere near close enough to do it then.
"Ya ain' a freak either, so stop sayin' it cause Ah don' like it. An' it don' matter if Ah'm there workin' cause its tha same as bein' 'ere. Ya think this place is safe cause o' all tha mutants? No, not really, but we're 'ere arn't we? In tha bar, it ain' no different. Ah think Ah would get more help from a fellow mutant than not, al'ight? People just don' stay outta it all tha time cause they don' wanna be noticed. They gonna still beat me even if Ah didn' have these wings, cause Ah'm gay. An' Ah'm sick o' bein' a bum 'round 'ere wit nuttin' ta do but writin' songs. This'll be an opportunity fer me ta branch out an' test ma songs." He tried pulling his wing around in front of him,but all it did was complicate things. "Look, yer all up in arms 'bout it an' Ah havn't even started takin' tha classes."
He went to reach behind him, but noticed the sudden change in Kevin's posture. His shoulders tensed and it was almost like he was shooting daggers at him. He dropped his hands and sighed. "Don' look at me that way. Ah didn' mean it like tha', an' you know it."
"An' you not likin' it makes it not true?" There was a defiance in Kevin's voice about the topic of his freak versus non-freak nature. It wasn't something his opinion wavered on and it wasn't likely to now either. "Yer boyfriend's a freak," he didn't stop to consider whether or not boyfriend was the right term and whether or not he should be using it at the moment. "Fuck, Jay, he's a freak among freaks an' ya can't try ta sugar coat 'round that. No matter wha' pretty words anyone wanna come up with ta take tha place of 'freak' it don' change the reality of it. Ah can't function like normal people do. Ah can't even function like normal mutants do. Ah'm a fucking freak, Jay. An' tha's fine." It wasn't really, but for the purposes of this conversation Kevin was going to decide it was. "Bu' it's wha' Ah am. Jus' 'cause Ah look normal don' mean nothin'."
The topic had erased all thought of the complications of bartending in a mutant-friendly place, or of the many ways in which Kevin was imagining Jay being hurt. He didn't even address the feather thing, even though that was grating under his skin in a way he was sure was going to take years off his life. No, he had to make this very clear for some reason. Kevin was a freak, that would never change and Jay had to accept it.
"Yes, but--" he was cut off by the sudden snap in Kevin. He let go of his wing and pointed the pliers at Kevin. "Stop it," he growled. His boyfriend wasn't a freak. Neither of them were but Kevin pressed on, and he raised his voice against the rant. "Stop it, al'ght?" He said, getting angry. It didn't just make him mad, it offended him too, and it was cruel of Kevin to be saying it. Did Kevin delight in saying this to him? "Shut up--" he gritted his teeth at the word spat over and the reasons to go with it. Jay narrowed his eyes. "Ah didn't realize ya were so superficial, asshole. Go fuck yerself." Jay slammed the pliers down on the counter because it was better then throwing them. "Ah don't have ta listen ta this." He gathered the pamphlets and headed for the door.
Kevin's eyes narrowed. "Righ', ya don' hafta listen to it. Ya don't hafta stay. Ya don' hafta deal wit' me at all. Bu' leaving don' change nothin' none, either." Kevin shook his head and as he was in the middle of the path to the door he stepped aside. This one he'd let Jay leave if he was so damned determined. Of course, he didn't guarantee he'd be here when Jay pulled his head out of his ass and came back, either. "Ah ain't bein' superficial, but Ah ain't goin' ta tip toe 'round the fact that if Ah wanted to reach out right now an' kiss you Ah couldn't. It goes beyond unnatural wha' Ah am an' Ah ain't abou' ta buy inta tha lies say otherwise. So fuckin' leave, then. Don' change wha' Ah am."
He wanted to leave because it was easier then fighting about this, easier than having to listen to Kevin belittle himself. He didn't stalk past Kevin though, nor did he make it even past the counter. He didn't want to leave but only threatened to leave so that they would stop fighting. He didn't even know how this started so fast. One second they were having a civil conversation and then the next, they were in a heated argument. He grabbed a fist full of Kevin's shirt by his shoulder, his eyes pleading as much as they were angry. "But ya can kiss me anytime ya want. Why ya always gotta fight with me? Ya can't even fuckin' give in fer once? Just we're both goddamn freaks an' tha's all there is to it to ya. Yer way or tha highway. No give 'ere. Maybe it don' change wha ya are, but it also don' change how Ah feel 'bout ya."
The contrast of emotion in Jay's eyes threw Kevin unbalanced almost as much as having his shirt grabbed. "Kiss you, yeah, can't touch you. Ah touch you righ' now an' wha' happens? Ya find yerself without a shirt, fer one. It was the grabbing not the kissing tha' was the poin', Jay." Kevin's eyes roamed over Jay's torso only for an eyebrow to quirk. That...was not cotton. "Tha point was tha' on a daily basis?" His fingers teased the bottom edge of the shirt, eyes watching carefully to note that nothing happened. Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered it was a rather familiar shirt, but the thought was pushed to the side.
Kevin's bare hands rested on Jay's hips where the shirt covered them and he gently pushed him back until he was up against the counter, unable to move further. "On a daily basis Ah can't do this," his voice had dropped to little more than a whisper. His hands slid up Jay's sides, careful not to pull the material of the thin shirt with them. "Even though Ah wanna," he continued to explain. "Or other things I wan' ta," Kevin laid a soft kiss on the side of Jay's throat. "Ways I wan' ta touch you," he brushed another one further up his neck. "Or places my hands wanna roam," this time the kiss was placed high up on Jay's jaw. He whispered very softly into his boyfriend's ear, "But Ah can't. 'Cause I'd hurt ya. An' Ah couldn't live wit' tha'. No matter wha' kinda hurt it was I caused on ya."
The aggressive handle he had on Kevin loosened at the distracting play with the bottom of his shirt. Their proximity alone was a distraction, a cautious distraction with Kevin's gloves off. So rarely did Kevin take them off around Jay that this pivotal moment of comfort could cost them so much if the slightest mistake was made. But they were always so careful; Kevin was so careful. His grip loosened further until the flat of his palm rested on the shoulder, inclining his head. He often wore Kevin's shirts nowadays, enjoying his boyfriend's scent on him, being as much of protection. It was a wonder that Kevin hadn't noticed his laundry had doubled since they became a couple.
Kevin, being the stronger of the two of them, forced Jay to walk backwards until the cool of the counter touched the base of his spine. His eyes dropped, turning his head slightly off to the side, disarmed again. Kevin controlled and Jay submitted. Kevin spoke and Jay listened. His mind blanked at the kiss, and he held his breath, waiting for the next, silently pleading for it. His own hands rested on Kevin's chest, leaning heavily against the counter and closed his eyes. Oh, the things he wanted to do, the way he wanted to touch Kevin was a tender ache that choked, threatening to cut off his struggle for air. His body trembled beneath the touch, and Jay's hot breath kissed the collarbone, trailing the imaginary kisses up Kev's neck. His lips were close, so close that promises of a kiss were left in its wake. But the truth lay between them like a lining, taunting to be crossed and he opened his eyes, meeting Kevin's.
Kevin's skin was sensitive enough that nothing more than breath was needed to gather a reaction from him. He shivered a little, head tilting to the side so his neck stretched bare and open beneath Jay's lips. For him just the ghosts of kisses trailing across his skin was an intense feeling and Kevin wondered, not for the first time, if his reaction was the same that others had. He didn't actually realize how much more sensitive his skin was to touch from not having been touched for the past two years. Jay was the one reason he didn't care there were things he'd never gotten to experience the normal way. Actually, Jay made him grateful for it. Because of all the things he didn't do before manifestation there was no frame of reference for anything. So many things were the first time and because they were there was never a chance that for Kevin it wouldn't be enough. He couldn't long for something he'd once had. He'd long for more, he was certain he'd always want more of Jay, but didn't everyone? Didn't everyone want to be lit on fire like this? But it made him worry sometimes, worry that for Jay it wouldn't be enough. He wouldn't be enough.
But then Jay looked at him like that. Kevin pulled his arm further into the long sleeved shirt he wore as his bottom layer. His hand stretched the material, fingertips looking for flaws, holes, snags while he simply stared into those hazel eyes. Not having found any issues with the sleeve, Kevin reached up to cup the side of Jay's face, sure to keep the sleeve covering his hand. He even smiled at his boyfriend as his thumb trailed back and forth over his cheek. "But it'll work," he whispered, lips hovering over Jay's. "Won't let it not work." Yeah, he was a freak but Kevin'd be damned if he didn't think up ways around it just so he could touch his boyfriend. When he gave in, crumpled really, and kissed Jay it was searing. It came dangerously close to the line of not being safe, but Kevin had memorized Jay's face and its dimensions. He knew how close he could press while keeping Jay safe from his skin. Now he kissed him hard, pressing in so close he was sure he could feel that imaginary line press against his cheek.
Jay wanted to kiss his neck, if only for a second, but seconds cost minutes, and minutes cost days. There was no telling how long it would take to recover from something like that, or if he would recover at all, and thus, didn't push it beyond the limit between them. But he wanted to. Boy did he ever want to and it ached in his body. He was positive he had never felt this way, but if he did, he'd long since forgotten what it was like. It seemed nothing but new to him. The intensity in Kevin's eyes caught his breath and captured in his mind, telling himself he would remember that look, that flawless raw emotion pouring between them from one moment into the next. He would never forget it, and it was burned in his head, a visual stimulation that he was sure he could reflect on whenever he was feeling down and out.
His eyes dropped to Kevin's hands disappearing into his shirt, and a question formed on his lips but fell away when the sleeves reached up and took him. He had already known what Kevin was doing, even though he was going to ask the question. His fingers tightened, balling his hands into a fist, clutching at Kevin's shirt. The promise of trying to make it work made his heart leap into his throat, and he pressed his lips against Kevin's, drawn up in the passionate moment that forced a moan from his mouth. If only, if they could just.
That moan brought a small whimper from Kevin's own throat. He didn't even know what he was doing where Jay was concerned, where that us was concerned. Kevin made it up as he went, let himself follow where his feelings wanted to go. The problem was right now Kevin had this impulse toward things that had not been figured out for safety yet. But, God, did he ever want Jay in the most consuming and intimate way possible right now. But he couldn't. That wanting and that frustration poured into the kiss as he parted lips with his tongue.
If it was possible to burn from a kiss, or from a desire, a want, a need, then Kevin was sure he'd be nothing but ashes by the end of the day. His hands left Jay's face, trailing down the sides of his neck to his shoulders. The friction of cloth on cloth pulled at his sleeves so his hands could come back out, roaming where they wanted, memorizing Jay's body in ways they hadn't before.
Jay was caught up in the moment. They were too caught up in the moment, and yet he couldn't stop himself, could not break that kiss that broke his mouth open, tongues eagerly colliding. It was a fight of desperation to touch, and the fine line between them was so sharp that it could draw blood. Only their consequences would be much greater. He felt himself spinning and he moaned again, clutching, pulling at Kevin's shirt, then letting go, trailing down the curves of his sides and sinking his fingers into the flesh. The fabric was the only thing that separated them. The only thing. If only. Only if. The 'what if's' raced through his mind, one canceling out the next. The sexual tension was suffocating, threatening to burst and his hands went further down, gripping Kevin's hips and grinding against him.
Several sharp breaths were drawn in as Jay's hands moved. There was no such thing as lost for Kevin. To be completely lost in his boyfriend and in this would cost them too greatly. This was as lost as he got, pushing lines and boundaries until the bowed gently under his pressure. His focus was on Jay, on his mouth, on how the softness of his stomach gave way to the muscles lying beneath, on the musculature of his back. His hands mapped his boyfriend's back, careful to not brush against the feathers of his wings. A half-strangled moan came from the grinding of Jay's hips into his and his hands had to stop moving, gripping Jay tightly as his hips instinctively answered, grinding back.
There was nothing to compare to this and he broke the kiss with his smile. His lips lingered close, their heavy breath mixing, basking in his boyfriend's musky scent. His smile dropped, brushing their lips together. His smile grew again, playfully toying with their limits. His wings were sprawled awkwardly to each side and he opened them up more, resting them against the counter. Hooking his fingers into the belt loops, he pulled Kevin against him again, though this time, he did it slowly upwards, drawing in the sensations that they got just from the rough fabric. His wings helped, using the counter and pushed away from the edge as though they couldn't get close enough.
Kevin bit his lip in the face of that smile. That smile undid him every fucking time and he swore Jay knew that. Hey captured Jay's lower lip between his teeth gently, tugging and sucking on it lightly until his attention was dragged away with Jay's pulling them closer together. Friction. Bliss and torment all at the same time. Kevin shivered once and his hips pressed Jay back against the counter until he felt his boyfriend connect with the surface. "Jay," he whispered the name but no words followed as he licked a trail back down the side of his neck, half considering marking him, just to know he was Kevin's.
Jay laughed, his lower lip caught in Kevin's teeth and he closed that distance, pressing their lips together again briefly. His smile remained, unable to break his eyes away. Kevin's eyes promised many unpromisable acts, even though they couldn't get past that single barrier that separated them. Unable to be physical, he was determined to find ways around it. He wanted to be Kevin's solution, the answer when he sought with questions. The silent reprieve from the abandonment from those around them. His hands trailed up, lightly touching Kevin's elbows, and cupping them, stroking with his thumbs. Tilting his head away, he inclined his chin touching his collarbone, and sighed, breathing Kevin's name as a question to his whisper.
There was something about getting a response like this from Jay that made Kevin swear no art could be as beautiful. Jay was the single most beautiful thing there was right now. Incomparable. He nipped at the skin just next to the collar of his shirt. Clothing, bane and savior of Kevin's existence. He reached up and pulled the shirt to the side, exposing untouched flesh. Kisses outlined the collar bone until it was nearly to the shoulder at which point he paused just for a moment. He licked the spot as if marking it before his mouth wrapped around the area and he began to suck on the skin very softly. Kevin wanted Jay marked, that didn't mean he wanted anyone else to know it was there.
Jay opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again when he realized what Kevin was doing. His smiled stretched, and he hungrily took in Kevin's scent along his neck while Kevin fastened his lips to Jay. The blood rushed to his head, and he reddened to the intimate touch of lips against his skin. His fingers pressed into Kev's elbows and he released them, grazing up his arms and down in between them. One hand stopped at the waist, while the other continued on, idly pausing at the zipper of his jeans. He tugged on the tab, and turned his head, barely inches from Kevin's cheek. His voice was low, a whisper sung to his own sweet angel's harmony. "If I profane with my unworthiest hand, his holy shrine, the gentle fine is this - m y lips, two blushing pilgrims - ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."
Breathing came shallow and progressively faster with the wandering of Jay's hands. It turned ragged the lower they went, but his mouth did not release the skin it trapped. He did not pull away or try to in any way dissuade his boyfriend even though he knew this was potentially beating at the line of safe with the possibility of shattering it to hell. When he half felt and half heard his zipper being pulled down, the metal teeth parting, Kevin froze with his breath catching in his throat. Rather than pulling away his teeth sank into Jay, not nearly enough to inflict any actual pain unless Jay had a rather low pain tolerance, but enough that he had quite a grip on the shoulder. After a moment his posture relaxed and his eyes swiveled up in an attempt to peer at his boyfriend from the corner of his eye. Pretending he didn't want him to would be a blatant lie. Kevin ached and throbbed for it, but it was dangerous. It was walking the line and Jay would have to be careful.
Jay's hand froze at the pressure of teeth sinking into his flesh and he waited until Kevin relaxed before tugging the zipper down. He wasn't going to do anything that Kevin didn't want and he wasn't looking for anymore then Kevin wanted. The press against his jeans told Jay otherwise, and he debated on what he should do. That line. He wanted to cross it, but the reality in Kevin's eyes told him not to. It felt so right and he ignored the look, what he thought was a look and let his hands do the talking. The button came undone with a very practiced hand, and slipped inside, careful of skin to skin contact. He watched for the reaction he knew he would get.
The teeth relaxed when his button popped free. The sucking on Jay's skin had stopped with the teeth gripping him and restarted softly as his eyelids fluttered shut. A sharp, sudden intake of breath came at the very moment he felt Jay's rough, warm hand on him. The shoulder was released, forgotten, the shirt snapping back into place in time for Kevin's forehead to rest there as he gasped for breath he hadn't counted on losing. His hips rolled into the touch, encouraging despite his breathing coming in short, fast, erratic bursts. The reaction was a flood of opposition: desire, lust, want, need, fear, caution, terror. They all mingled to a point where one was indistinguishable from the other.
Kevin's hands grabbed onto Jay's waist, the material of the shirt balling in his fists as he tried to ground himself. He wanted this so fucking badly. He wanted everything and anything that could happen between them but pushing that line of safety, that line that kept Jay whole and beautiful and unhurt, was almost starting to induce a panic attack. Stopping would keep everyone safe. The grip he had on his boyfriend alone, fingers sinking into flesh as he gripped onto him, was a clear enough statement what he currently thought of safe. But his heart was trying to pound through his chest and his breath was going to suffocate him any moment.
His hand relaxed for a moment, watching Kevin carefully. It was encouragement he was looking for, seeking between them. A part of him knew he wanted this, yet he wanted to confirm that Kevin wanted it just as much. Jay swallowed at those hands touching him, grabbing in desperation and the short rapid breaths were forced to slow by the touch of his lips. His tongue flicked out, gently asking permission inside, and his hand worked as his tongue did. Kevin's hips buckled against him and he pressed his own body to the rhythm of his hand. His free hand rested on the muscular chest, roaming mindlessly over the fabric he so longed to rip off. Trailing upwards, he almost forgot himself, almost forgot that he couldn't touch that sensitive skin. Stopping just by the neckline, the hand trailed over the shoulder, down the bicep, giving a squeeze full of need. He swallowed again, breaking for air and trying to slow himself down. His heart hammered wildly against his chest, blotting out all but his lovers heavy breathing.
Kevin wondered if he'd choke on their tongues instead of the air he couldn't suck in quickly enough to be useful. Maybe he didn't need air at all. Maybe all he needed was Jay. His body shuddered, wracking and sudden. Kevin's hands held onto Jay harder, trying to stop himself from being tempted to let them roam. If they roamed they would try to find skin. Perfect, silken skin that would crumble under his fingertips. The image made him grateful for the kiss's break as he tensed. His shoulders went rigid at the image in his mind of Jay crumbling into ashes beneath his fingertips. The erratic nature of his breathing stepped up, became deeper and Kevin let go of Jay suddenly as he started to hyperventilate. He was so torn between what he wanted and what he feared but fear gripped him, running his skin cold. Kevin stepped backward, moving away from Jay and his hands and the temptation of him. The movement didn't stop until he hit a wall behind him and he slid down it, going slightly lightheaded as he tried to control his breathing but failed.
Immediately the shift between them broke the moment and Jay stopped himself, withdrawing his hand when he felt the shift in Kevin. It was so sudden that he panicked, and guilt churned in his stomach as Kevin backed away. Shit. He pushed him too far, pushing and rushing, he moved too fast for his boyfriend. Jay was on his knees in a heartbeat, sitting in front of Kevin, and spoke in a soft tone. "Hey, hey, " his hands smoothed over Kevin's legs repeatedly, and would have held Kev's hands had they been covered up. "Ah'm sorry. Slow down Kev, breath a little, take a deep breath." He didn't know what was happening, and for all he knew, Kevin could be having a heart attack and a part of him wanted to run to get someone, yet he didn't want to leave yet. "Are ya'll'right, Ah'm sorry. Ah didn't mean ta go too far. Kev?" he asked, a little more then worried that something was very wrong.
Kevin was shaking his head and trying to slide backward but the wall was unfortunately not moving. He wouldn't pull away from the hands on his legs but he knew he shouldn't let them be there. "Oh God," he mumbled to himself. "Ah can't, can'...you...can't..an' if ya are....god...can't..." Kevin was making sense, he thought he was anyway. Jay needed to stop. He needed to not be anywhere near Kevin. He had to be safe. He wasn't safe like this. Kevin wanted him close, closer than he was, but it wasn't safe for him. "You should...away...not here...not me...god..." His body kept shaking, trembling, as if he were outside in the cold but he knew it wasn't cold out. The shaking didn't make sense to him and Kevin wasn't sure what was going on but he knew that Jay had to be away from him. If Jay was close to him something awful would happen. Kevin muttered quietly, "ya'll die." He said it and tears leaked out from his eyes silently. Kevin hadn't even known they were building.
"Shit, Kev, Ah'm sorry. Ah--" He what? Didn't know what to say except to apologize and try to calm his boyfriend down. He felt helpless here, sitting in front of him, unable to sooth the very person that had stolen his heart in a matter of weeks. He had went too far, and felt so guilty for it, that he dared not try it again. Nothing was worse then feeling this way. He kept mentioning God, though he thought Kev was trying to swear rather then talk about God. It still worried Jay, and his hands stopped moving, squeezing his thighs as Jay tried to scoot closer. "Kev, c'mon, breath a lil' slower fer me, al'ight? Please?" he pleaded because Kevin in this state, scared him. "Ah won't die. Ah ain't goin' anywhere. Ah'm just right here, right now, with ya." And he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Not with Kevin in this state of mind. He just needed him to calm down, even a little bit but it didn't seem like it was happening."Ya want me ta get someone?" he asked, desperate.
None of Jay's words had effected him or even much gotten past Kevin's attempts to breathe more deeply, forgetting that was the inherent problem he was having with his breathing. That was, nothing got through until Jay asked if he should get someone and that made Kevin's eyes fly open wide. "No!" Going to get someone meant a lot of things. It meant Jay was leaving. Jay should leave. Kevin didn't want him to leave. But leaving would keep him safe from him and Jay needed to be safe. Kevin reached out, trying to put a hand on Jay's shoulder but the dizziness hit and he lost balance falling to the side but snatching his arm back. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the dizziness away and trying to hold his breath. Breathing was a problem. Easier to start over than slow. The dizziness ebbed away only after Kevin drew in a deep breath and then started to take shorter ones which helped it regulate. He mumbled only one word, "Sorry."
"Okay, Al'ight," he said, and quickly reached out to support Kevin's body when he wavered in his seated posture. He felt like an ass and embarrassment replaced his concern when he could visibly see Kevin gaining control of his breathing again. "No, No" he rushed onto say. "Don' be sorry. Tha one ta be sorry should be me. Ah didn'--" what? to say he didn't' mean it meant he didn't want it, and that was a blatant lie. He wanted it, he wanted Kevin and everything about him. He lingered in front of Kevin, helplessly hopeless in comforting his boyfriend for an act he did to cause Kevin's upset.
"Not your fault," Kevin mumbled. "S'mah fault." The trembling was reluctant to leave even after Kevin's breathing was back to normal. The dizziness tapered off and Kevin wondered why the panic attacks always came on so quickly and left so slowly. It was like a cat that dug its claws into flesh and made you pry them out to free yourself from the dangling feline. The trembling wouldn't stop, maybe he was cold, maybe it wasn't just the panic attack. Kevin wasn't sure. Everything was a bit muddled. He pulled his hands into his sleeves, balling the material in his hands and shifted, crawling closer to Jay until he could curl up with his head in his boyfriend's lap, careful to only let skin and hair touch where his shirt was.
It pained him that he could only sit here and watch as his boyfriend curled up into his lap. Though Kevin's shirt was durable against his mutation, Jay's jeans were not, and he opened his mouth to say as much,but Kev again, was careful. His lifted his hand to caress Kevin's hair,but his touch never reached. Linger in the air, he hesitated, almost forgetting himself and the hand returned to his side. Destined for doom. He said nothing else, because there wasn't anything to say. He couldn't comfort Kevin in the way he wanted to, nor could Kevin find what he needed to from Jay. Kevin Cabot surfaced to mind and he vowed silently to his dead lover that he would make this work. They would make it work. They had to.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}