Marie lays it all out for Doug...

[x-cypher.livejournal.com]

Set midafternoon today, just after classes.


Doug had made it through the class day all right, although he was still feeling just a touch wonky. He'd gone pretty light on lunch, and he still felt pretty drained. But, at least he was up and around, which was an improvement. Padding down the hall, he tapped softly at the door to Marie's room.

Marie was just putting down her books after class when there was a light tap on the door. "Hey, it's open," she called. Turning back to the table, she opened up her agenda and started laying things out so she wouldn't forget what needed doing for the next day.

Doug poked his head around the door and looked in. "Hey, Marie, are you..." he made a vague hand motion. "I mean, I can..." he pointed down the hall.

"Come on in." Marie looked up and gave him a smile. "You're not bothering me at all. How are you feeling?"

"I..." He wavered a hand. "Better. Still kinda wonky, but better. I managed to make it to class today, and keep a little lunch down." He sat down in a chair, a vase and a CD case visible in one hand resting on his lap.

"That's great. I'm glad you came by. I was thinking about you today." She came over and leaned on the back of the other chair, looking at him. "I went to your room this morning but you were off to class already."

"That's me," he chuckled, trying to look cheerful and mostly succeeding. "Late to bed and early to rise makes a man stupid, and blind in the eyes." He hesitated, then offered the daisy and CD to Marie. A single daisy resided in the vase, and the CD looked to obviously be a custom-made writeable.

"What on earth... Doug, that's so sweet." Marie came over and took them out of his hands. -...impossible,- she thought, and steeled herself for what she was going to have to do. She put the vase and the CD in the middle of the dining table. -And who told him I like daisies? The birds?- "Do you have a few minutes? If you're feeling up to it, I'd like to talk to you about last Saturday."

Doug nodded. "The CD is from the concert." He blushed. "...er, the one from the dance around Christmas, not the other day." He shook his head. "Part of me would like very much to forget about that one." Realizing he was babbling a bit, he checked himself. "Sorry. You were saying?"

"Yeah. Saturday night." Marie bit her lip and then gave herself a mental shake. "Do you have a few minutes?" She sat down in the other chair, tucking her feet up under her.

Doug took in Marie biting her lip and the closed-off tenseness of her body language. Something was obviously upsetting her or making her nervous. But what? She hadn't been _too_ put off by the serenade, so what... Doug's eyes widened minutely. "I...um...ohboy..." he stammered, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Marie's expression was already sympathetic. "Look... Saturday, what you said. I know I had a lot of arguments for you, why I couldn't feel the same way about you and why I couldn't even try." She dropped her eyes to her hands and then brought her gaze back up to meet his. "You were right about some things and I was wrong about them. The thing is... there is one reason I didn't give you then because I didn't think it was..." She paused, thinking. "I didn't tell you because there wasn't anything to tell. There is now. There's someone else, and I simply can't be to you what you'd like me to be."

Doug pulled his feet up into his chair and wrapped his arms around his knees protectively. Biting his lip, he nodded a bit jerkily and closed his eyes sadly. ~I don't wanna cry in front of her, I don't wanna cry in front of her...~ He concentrated on breathing evenly and tried to ruthlessly push his emotions down.

Marie's voice was sad and quiet. "You're such a good guy, Doug. God help me, I understand. God, do I ever understand. And I am so sorry for hurting my friend, especially when you've been such a good friend. But I love Logan so much... there's never really been anyone for me but him."

Doug's eyes remained screwed shut and he clenched his hands so hard that his knuckles turned white as he tried to keep some modicum of emotional control. ~I knew it I knew it I knew it I knew it...~ was the mantra he repeated inside his head.

"Doug..." Marie came over and sat down on the coffee table in front of him, reaching out to put her hand on his arm. "I wish I could show you how much I understand and how sorry I am. I do care about you."

The combination of Doug's physical tension and the unexpected touch of Marie's hand caused his arm to flinch instinctively. He opened his eyes slowly, staring fixedly at Marie's throat, unable to meet her eyes. He bit his lip so hard he was afraid it might draw blood.

Marie reached out with her other hand and lifted his chin, forcing him to look at her. "I hope you'll still be my friend," she said simply. "But if you're angry, I understand that too. If I can make this easier on you, tell me how."

Doug tried to twist his head away, but Marie had his chin in a steel grip. His eyes met hers, and Doug blinked quickly as tears gathered at their corners. "I don't know..." he whispered hoarsely. "I don't...I can't..." he stammered, unable to get a coherent thought past the lump in his throat.

"It's okay." She let go and stroked his cheek before sitting back. "Do you want to go? You don't have to if you don't want to."

Doug clenched the hand that had automatically reached up to where Marie had brushed his cheek. His eyes darted about the room, not able to settle on one thing. "I...you...I..." his breathing quickened noticeably.

"It's okay." Marie frowned and stood up. "I think I should walk you back to your room, let you sit down and relax a little and work this out."

Doug managed to uncurl and stand up slowly from his chair, a few joints cracking from the tenseness he had been curled into. Staring at the floor, he mutely moved toward the door.

Marie caught up with him and put her hand on his shoulder while she opened the door for him. "Come on," she said gently. "You're still not yourself. I'll walk you back."

Doug shuffled along at Marie's direction, sort of lost in a haze. He felt like there were so many things he should say, but all of them seemed so jumbled up in his head, and they wouldn't come out of his mouth right. Hunched over, he shoved his hands in his pockets and flinched when one of them brushed across his silk handkerchief.

Marie put an arm around him and guided him down the hall. "I should have waited to tell you," she said, half to herself. "Timing is everything. Mine's obviously way off." She hugged him a little. "I'm so sorry. It really will be okay."

Doug swallowed heavily and shrugged. "Better to tell me right away then let me make even _more_ of an idiot out of myself. I'm...glad you were honest and told me." He laughed bitterly at how much that sounded like Marie's words to him after he had confessed his feelings.

"You didn't make an idiot of yourself." Marie gave him another squeeze with the arm around his shoulder, walking slowly. "You were... you. And that's a good thing in my eyes."

"But not enough. It's never enough," came the bitter words before he could choke them back.

"It will be for the right person," Marie said, ignoring the angst in his voice, keeping calm and steady. "And they'll be really lucky."

Doug scrubbed his eyes with his hands angrily. "I'm sorry," he choked out. "Shouldn't have said that."

"It's how you feel right now." Marie stopped at his door. "And I understand, it's okay. I just wish I could make it easier for you, but this is the best, I think."

Doug's eyes turned away to the wood paneling of the door. "Doesn't feel like it right now."

"I know it doesn't, not from where you're standing," Marie agreed. "But my heart belongs to someone else and it's best for everyone if you understand that now and not later. Later could be bad." -Oh, could it ever...- she thought. Some things were not open for misunderstanding.

Doug nodded jerkily and pushed his door open quietly. He turned around in the doorway for some unknown reason, his eyes fixed on Marie's shoelaces.

Marie reached out and tapped him gently under the chin, trying to get him to look at her. "Hey. Still friends, whenever you want to be," she told him. "You know where I am if you need me."

"I...yeah." he muttered. Stepping in briefly, he hugged Marie for a moment, then abruptly turned and closed the door gently but firmly. Making it to his bed, he flung himself down and grabbed a pillow to muffle the racking sobs he refused to let Marie see.

Marie put her hand on her hips and rocked her head back to loosen her neck. -Damn. That sucked.- She tried to stifle her guilt and headed to her room to get to work in preparation for the next day.