xp_logs | Amanda, Angelo - Saturday morning, early

When confronted with death, we start thinking about life. Angelo and Amanda, after a rough night, talk about theirs.

Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, she'd dropped off into uneasy sleep, the usual fatigue of the healing spell overriding the dreams, for a little while. Now, as grey morning light filtered in through the gap in the curtains, there was a clatter of wings as a pigeon landed on the windowsill outside, and the sound jerked her awake. For a moment she lay there, body tense and heart racing, before realising where she was. With that realisation, she groaned softly and turned her face into the pillow. She was so tired, her eyes were gritty. At least she'd arranged for someone else to take the bus run.

The pillow had an arm thrown out across it, touching the top of her head now. Angelo was curled up next to her, mostly asleep but starting to stir at the light and the small sounds.

Amanda bit her lip - he'd slept about as badly as she had, she knew, and she didn't want to wake him up now with her twitching around. Maybe if she got up, had a glass of water or something... Slowly she began to slide out of bed, shifting the other arm that was draped across her waist as carefully as possible.

"Mmf." That had a protesting note to it, and his eyes opened reluctantly. "'Manda? Where're you goin'?"

"Sorry, love. I couldn't sleep, and figured I'd leave you in peace." The outward slide was halted, and reversed - Amanda shifted back under the blankets, shivering a little as she moved back into the circle of his arms. "Thought I'd get a drink or do some work or something until I settled down again."

"'s too early to be doin' work", he objected, somewhere between sleepy and fully alert. "Warmer here, anyway. Still want a drink?"

"Not really. Was just looking for a distraction." She sighed and rested her forehead on his chest, closing her eyes. "'M tired," she complained softly. "Hope you slept better than I did."

"Don't know", he admitted, stroking her hair. "Maybe. I think I was asleep before you, anyway." Which didn't mean much.

She made a soft noise at the stroking, the contact soothing her jangled nerves somewhat. "Sof said there might be issues. With the sleeping." She pulled herself a little closer with the arm she'd wrapped around his waist. "'M glad you're here, tho'. Missed this. Missed you."

"Missed you too", he said quietly, looking down at her. "But it's just all been so... screwed up."

There was a quiet, wry snort. "Just a bit." Amanda lay quietly for a while, face still mostly hidden against his chest. And then she said, softly: "We gunna be all right, Ange? With all this?"

"...depends," he said cautiously after a moment. "You an' me... yeah, I think we are. But me, an' you... that's probably gonna take some time."

"'S what Sof said." Her fingers curled against his back, small stroking motions. "'S strange... I knew this would happen one day, with the Trenchcoats. Just didn't expect it to be so..." She trailled off, not sure how to put it, and changed the focus instead. "What about you? Is there gunna be trouble, from the team? You said Forge worked it out."

"Some of it. He left. I don't know what's gonna happen there, but I don't think he'll tell anybody." He shrugged slightly, then leaned into her hand. "Scott doesn't want me to quit, he says."

"And you?" She shifted enough so she could look up at him, face slightly pinched-looking from lack of sleep. "What do you want?"

"Workin' on figurin' that out", he said with a sigh. "I kind of want none of it to have ever happened, but y'know..."

"No time travellers," she reminded him, tilting her head up to kiss his jaw briefly. "No do-overs. Do you want to keep being an X-Man, Ange? Is it important enough to you to want to fight for it, if you have to?"

Angelo met her eyes. "I used t'think so. An' I don't know what I'll do if it turns out it isn't... but I need to think about it."

"Thinking's good. We spend so much time reacting to stuff..." Her fingers stilled, and she made herself ask the other question. "What about Nate? You gunna tell him what happened?" Considering Nathan was practically Angelo's father these days, she couldn't imagine him not finding out.

"Scott said I should talk to him, 'cause he's... pretty much been here. But I don't know how I'm gonna tell him. Talkin' about it, 'specially when he wasn't there..."

"You should. Nate's a telepath, after all, and he's gunna find out, love, even from someone thinking too loudly about what was down there. Better for you to tell him first." She smoothed her hand down his back, soothingly. "Just... don't tell him about me? What I did? After what happened when I healed Remy that time..." Again, she let the sentence fade half-spoken. "It'll be best if you don't, that's all."

He bent his head to kiss her temple, making it as much a promise as his next words. "I'm not gonna tell anybody what you did. Not ever, if you don't want me to."

Her arm tightened around him, clinging for a moment. "They... it'd worry them. Make them think I really am the monster they thought I was back then." She bit her lip a little. "I don't want you in the middle of that."

"Those people were hardly innocent", he tried to reassure her - mostly that he didn't think she was a monster. "All you did was make them buy Miguel's life, since it was too late for those others. No different than the rest of us did."

"I know that. Well, I'm trying to know that. 'S gunna take a while for things to sink in proper." She shivered a little. "'S one thing to talk about it, another to actually do it. To kill someone. Even if they deserved it. And at the time... I didn't even question it. Just did it. Like the Trenchcoats're teaching me to do." There was perhaps a tinge of regret, but she also remembered Mark's words, about them having a calling. She kissed Angelo again, this time a brief brush across his lips. "Thank you. Means a lot, that you're here still." That he didn't think she was a monster.

"I don't think many of us were thinkin' a whole lot in there", he said almost ruefully, pulling her closer. "An' I'm not goin' anywhere. You know that, right?"

"Well, if this doesn't drive you off, I don't know what will," she said, matching his tone. She snuggled against him, tucking her head beneath his chin again and falling quiet for a while. It might have seemed like she'd gone back to sleep, until she broke the silence again. "'S been a year, sort of. Since we... since that day on the beach in Tel Aviv."

"Just about ten days ago", he remembered after a moment's thought. He was good at anniversaries. "We missed it."

"Too screwed up to remember." Or to want to do anything. And she'd been out of the country for Valentiine's, nearly forgetting it entirely. The time difference had let her squeak by with sending him lunch, as much an apology for her abrupt departure as anything.

"We could do something late for it", he suggested - then, with a crooked grin, "Or there's that other anniversary comin' up."

"Which... oh." She chuckled softly. "When we wound up on my couch." She moved to look up at him again, a small smile touching her lips. "'S a bit more anniversary-like than the other, any way, since that was when we told people we were together."

"Then let's make that the official one", Angelo said, punctuating it with a quick kiss to her mouth. "An' you know, uh... we could probably think about that thing we were talkin' about. Before."

It took her a moment to realise which thing that was. "Do you still want to?" she asked. "With all the... when we weren't talking that much, I wasn't sure if you would."

"If I still want you", he said, quiet but firm, "an' I do, then I still want that. You ever get the chance to talk to anyone about it?"

"A few. Most of 'em are out of juice now after that whole astral plane business." Or had said no - the expression on Strange's face had been interesting, to say the least. "But... Jimi said she could. If I helped her with the spell." There were butterflies in her stomach. "Ange... after that fight back in the parlour... you're sure?" She hated asking it, but she didn't want him to feel trapped by her either.

"That fight was... well, okay, it was bad, I'm not gonna say that. But we're here now, an' things are okay, I think?" He looked at her seriously. "I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either. I just don't want you to think you need to do this to prove something. And with all the not-talking we do..." She paused, collecting her thoughts, and met his eyes. "I'm thinking too much. Let's try this again. I love you and I trust you. I want to be with you, always. And if just saying it's enough for you, then it's enough for me. But... if you still want the binding, then..." She gave a shaky laugh. "I can call Jimi, see where the clan is and if she's up for a visit?"

"The bindin's meant to help with the not-talkin'," he said quietly. "No point hidin' stuff from your other half. An' I want to be with you for always without stuff gettin' in the way. I love you."

"Then I'll make that call." She paused again, and then said, a little hesitantly. "Can we wait a little while tho'? I just... we're both messed up right now, and I don't want that getting in the way. Just a couple of months, until things are less fresh and we've had time to get properly head shrunk?" There was a hopeful little smile. "We can work on that not-talking thing the mundane way in the meantime?"

"We can do it however you want", Angelo assured her. "Mundane way sounds good to me... or I'll try an' do it, anyway."

"Me too," she promised, sealing it with a kiss.