Amanda, Angelo - Wednesday afternoon
Mar. 5th, 2008 07:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsAfter Angelo's uncharacteristic explosion on the journals and the news of Miguel's state of health, Amanda goes to the school, armed for confrontation.
No Angelo in the suite, and his door was closed. Amanda sighed a little and headed for the kitchenette, pulling something out of her jacket pocket. She'd gotten into the suite with little difficulty, but with the state he'd been in, she was going to need some extra help. Just as well she'd come prepared...
Ten minutes later, there was a muffled thump on the door, as if someone had kicked it lightly with a booted foot, and Amanda's voice followed: "Ange? 'S me. Can you let me in? Hands're sort of full."
Her voice was greeted with a plaintive canine whine and the sound of footsteps before the door opened. "What've you... got."
A cup of tea was thrust at him, and Amanda used the free hand after he took it automatically to take the paper bag out of her mouth. "Churros," she said by way of explanation. "I stopped by your mum's on the way out here."
He took the cup with some bemusement, nudging Joyita back and away from the bag. "You didn't tell her anythin' was wrong, did you?"
"Nope, just told her I was dropping in to say hi since I'd been scarce for a bit." Amanda closed the door with her foot and moved to take a seat on his desk chair, turning it so it faced the room. "I figured you could do with a taste of home right now."
"Yeah, kinda", he admitted. "An' a taste of home with sugar's even better."
She waved him towards the bed with the bag. "Just as well then. Sit. I promise to not make you talk about anything until you've had a chance to eat some of these." It was said with a slight smile, but there was definite worry shadowing her eyes.
He sat obediently on the bed, legs drawn up under him. "I told you, it's... nothin' you don't already know about."
She made a zipping motion across her mouth and handed him the bag. "Eat first, calling on bullshit second," she replied, still lightly.
"Okay." He reached into the bag and pulled out a churro.
She waited for him to eat two, sipping on her tea and scritching Joyita around the ears, making the odd casual comment as conversation. Then, as he laid the bag aside, she set her mug down on the desk, carefully avoiding any paperwork. "I saw your post, about Miguel and Alejandra," she said, perhaps a bit redundantly considering she'd commented. "How's he dealing with it?"
"He's not", Angelo said bleakly. "If he didn't have Alejandra to worry about, an' to worry about him..."
"I wish I'd been able to do more." Amanda looked down at her hands, remembering them covered in Miguel's blood. "But..." She would have had to have used everyone in range, including Alejandra.
"He wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for you", he reminded her. "You did enough. More than."
"Well, I can't argue with what it cost, at least." She glanced away for a moment, focussing on patting Joyita. When she looked up again, her eyes were clear. "It's hard, love, seeing someone you care about hurt like that... but don't push everyone away in the process. It's not their fault it happened."
"I know it's not their fault", he said quietly. "But I can't... I'm not good with people now."
"There's not being good with people and there's trying to make them hate you so they get clear and won't be hurt later." Amanda spoke almost gently, without accusation. "Because you don't feel like you're the sort of person who should be around them."
"They're just kids", he muttered, and fell silent.
"They were just kids a week ago when you were teaching them self-defence." Amanda got up and sat next to him, not touching him yet, but close enough to. "What's changed?"
He didn't look up at her. "D'you know how much I'd give to have been as... as innocent as Laurie when I was seventeen?" He shook his head. "Worried about her sometimes, wantin' to be in this life like that. An' sometimes I hate her."
"I don't think I was ever that innocent." It was said with a brief, humourless smile. "But it's not her fault, love, any more than your life was yours. Having a go at her on the journals isn't going to change anything, except make you look like a bastard." She ducked her head, trying to make eye contact. "Unless that's what you think you are, after what you did?"
"I don't remember when I was. An' I know it's not her fault, but sometimes... I just..." He trailed off, shrugging. "Sometimes I want t' chase her off the team before it gets to her. Sometimes I... don't."
"'S not up to you, love. You don't get to make that decision - she does. Her and Summers and 'Ro. And yeah, she's a silly kid sometimes, but that's why you have the trainee thing going, so they get that knocked out of them. Fuck, Jan's just as much of a twit sometimes with the throwing candy at people, and you don't go after her." Amanda leaned her face against his hunched shoulder. "I worry about you, Ange. This... 's not like you."
"Ask Miguel about that", was the flat response. "You wanted to know if I think I'm a bastard. Querida, I know I am, at least part."
"And what, you're going to give in to that part? Go out and be a prick 'cause that's what you used to be?" She lifted her face and poked him gently in the shoulder. "Throw everything you've done in the last few years away 'cause you can't decide what it is you want to be?" There was a slight quiver in her voice, the only indication of how much she was trying to keep her feelings on a tight rein. "Or because you feel like you can't be anything else?"
"I don't know", he started clearly, voice rising despite himself, "what I am anymore. Or what I'm gonna be. Or who. I thought I knew."
"Then maybe you should give yourself time to work that out, instead of worrying about silly little girls on the journals?" Despite the raising of his voice, Amanda kept hers steady, reaching over to lay her hand over his. "You said you were doing the Red X thing in San Diego, right? Maybe it's a good chance for you to get your head together, work some shite out." She emphasised her point with a slight squeeze of her hand. "Go back to basics and work out who it is you want to be, away from everyone else's demands."
Angelo smiled faintly, acknowledging the point. "Be almost as good as goin' home."
"Close enough." And without the scary gangland issues. "Take as long as you need to sort yourself out, love. Right now, you're not giving yourself a chance. Or anyone else, for that matter."
"I'm tryin'. But I don't even know where to start."
"Start here." She moved her hand to lay fingertips over his heart. "Whoever Angelo Espinosa is, he's got a good heart. Always has."
He looked down at the hand, and the smile turned rueful. "Miguel used t'laugh at me for that. Always the big hero."
"I saw it back the day I met you." She leaned in, pressed a kiss to his temple. "Worked in my favour, too, with you yanking me off the roof that time."
Angelo turned his head to meet her eyes. "Never once regretted it, either."
She smiled at that. "Same here," she said, and kissed him properly, tasting sugar. "Come down for a smoke on the back porch with me, for old time's sake? Joyita needs a run, and you could probably do with some fresh air."
"You can't bitch at me for not givin' up smokin' when you tempt me like that", he said lightly. "'Cause you know I can't refuse."
"Like I'd bitch at you when I'm back up to a pack a day." She kissed him again, and slid off the bed to take both his hands in hers, ready to pull him up. "Come on. The Nicotine Twins need to make a reappearance."
"Says she who stole my cigarettes an' made me hit up the firebug for more", he retorted, willingly letting her pull him up off the bed and out.
No Angelo in the suite, and his door was closed. Amanda sighed a little and headed for the kitchenette, pulling something out of her jacket pocket. She'd gotten into the suite with little difficulty, but with the state he'd been in, she was going to need some extra help. Just as well she'd come prepared...
Ten minutes later, there was a muffled thump on the door, as if someone had kicked it lightly with a booted foot, and Amanda's voice followed: "Ange? 'S me. Can you let me in? Hands're sort of full."
Her voice was greeted with a plaintive canine whine and the sound of footsteps before the door opened. "What've you... got."
A cup of tea was thrust at him, and Amanda used the free hand after he took it automatically to take the paper bag out of her mouth. "Churros," she said by way of explanation. "I stopped by your mum's on the way out here."
He took the cup with some bemusement, nudging Joyita back and away from the bag. "You didn't tell her anythin' was wrong, did you?"
"Nope, just told her I was dropping in to say hi since I'd been scarce for a bit." Amanda closed the door with her foot and moved to take a seat on his desk chair, turning it so it faced the room. "I figured you could do with a taste of home right now."
"Yeah, kinda", he admitted. "An' a taste of home with sugar's even better."
She waved him towards the bed with the bag. "Just as well then. Sit. I promise to not make you talk about anything until you've had a chance to eat some of these." It was said with a slight smile, but there was definite worry shadowing her eyes.
He sat obediently on the bed, legs drawn up under him. "I told you, it's... nothin' you don't already know about."
She made a zipping motion across her mouth and handed him the bag. "Eat first, calling on bullshit second," she replied, still lightly.
"Okay." He reached into the bag and pulled out a churro.
She waited for him to eat two, sipping on her tea and scritching Joyita around the ears, making the odd casual comment as conversation. Then, as he laid the bag aside, she set her mug down on the desk, carefully avoiding any paperwork. "I saw your post, about Miguel and Alejandra," she said, perhaps a bit redundantly considering she'd commented. "How's he dealing with it?"
"He's not", Angelo said bleakly. "If he didn't have Alejandra to worry about, an' to worry about him..."
"I wish I'd been able to do more." Amanda looked down at her hands, remembering them covered in Miguel's blood. "But..." She would have had to have used everyone in range, including Alejandra.
"He wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for you", he reminded her. "You did enough. More than."
"Well, I can't argue with what it cost, at least." She glanced away for a moment, focussing on patting Joyita. When she looked up again, her eyes were clear. "It's hard, love, seeing someone you care about hurt like that... but don't push everyone away in the process. It's not their fault it happened."
"I know it's not their fault", he said quietly. "But I can't... I'm not good with people now."
"There's not being good with people and there's trying to make them hate you so they get clear and won't be hurt later." Amanda spoke almost gently, without accusation. "Because you don't feel like you're the sort of person who should be around them."
"They're just kids", he muttered, and fell silent.
"They were just kids a week ago when you were teaching them self-defence." Amanda got up and sat next to him, not touching him yet, but close enough to. "What's changed?"
He didn't look up at her. "D'you know how much I'd give to have been as... as innocent as Laurie when I was seventeen?" He shook his head. "Worried about her sometimes, wantin' to be in this life like that. An' sometimes I hate her."
"I don't think I was ever that innocent." It was said with a brief, humourless smile. "But it's not her fault, love, any more than your life was yours. Having a go at her on the journals isn't going to change anything, except make you look like a bastard." She ducked her head, trying to make eye contact. "Unless that's what you think you are, after what you did?"
"I don't remember when I was. An' I know it's not her fault, but sometimes... I just..." He trailed off, shrugging. "Sometimes I want t' chase her off the team before it gets to her. Sometimes I... don't."
"'S not up to you, love. You don't get to make that decision - she does. Her and Summers and 'Ro. And yeah, she's a silly kid sometimes, but that's why you have the trainee thing going, so they get that knocked out of them. Fuck, Jan's just as much of a twit sometimes with the throwing candy at people, and you don't go after her." Amanda leaned her face against his hunched shoulder. "I worry about you, Ange. This... 's not like you."
"Ask Miguel about that", was the flat response. "You wanted to know if I think I'm a bastard. Querida, I know I am, at least part."
"And what, you're going to give in to that part? Go out and be a prick 'cause that's what you used to be?" She lifted her face and poked him gently in the shoulder. "Throw everything you've done in the last few years away 'cause you can't decide what it is you want to be?" There was a slight quiver in her voice, the only indication of how much she was trying to keep her feelings on a tight rein. "Or because you feel like you can't be anything else?"
"I don't know", he started clearly, voice rising despite himself, "what I am anymore. Or what I'm gonna be. Or who. I thought I knew."
"Then maybe you should give yourself time to work that out, instead of worrying about silly little girls on the journals?" Despite the raising of his voice, Amanda kept hers steady, reaching over to lay her hand over his. "You said you were doing the Red X thing in San Diego, right? Maybe it's a good chance for you to get your head together, work some shite out." She emphasised her point with a slight squeeze of her hand. "Go back to basics and work out who it is you want to be, away from everyone else's demands."
Angelo smiled faintly, acknowledging the point. "Be almost as good as goin' home."
"Close enough." And without the scary gangland issues. "Take as long as you need to sort yourself out, love. Right now, you're not giving yourself a chance. Or anyone else, for that matter."
"I'm tryin'. But I don't even know where to start."
"Start here." She moved her hand to lay fingertips over his heart. "Whoever Angelo Espinosa is, he's got a good heart. Always has."
He looked down at the hand, and the smile turned rueful. "Miguel used t'laugh at me for that. Always the big hero."
"I saw it back the day I met you." She leaned in, pressed a kiss to his temple. "Worked in my favour, too, with you yanking me off the roof that time."
Angelo turned his head to meet her eyes. "Never once regretted it, either."
She smiled at that. "Same here," she said, and kissed him properly, tasting sugar. "Come down for a smoke on the back porch with me, for old time's sake? Joyita needs a run, and you could probably do with some fresh air."
"You can't bitch at me for not givin' up smokin' when you tempt me like that", he said lightly. "'Cause you know I can't refuse."
"Like I'd bitch at you when I'm back up to a pack a day." She kissed him again, and slid off the bed to take both his hands in hers, ready to pull him up. "Come on. The Nicotine Twins need to make a reappearance."
"Says she who stole my cigarettes an' made me hit up the firebug for more", he retorted, willingly letting her pull him up off the bed and out.
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Date: 2008-03-07 06:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-07 07:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-07 08:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-07 05:48 pm (UTC)*grins* There might be an element of bitterness there that she never got the chance to be innocent, not since Rack took her, but she's also adult enough to know that's nothing to do with Laurie.