Kevin & Jay: Sunday morning
May. 11th, 2008 04:21 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsJay finds Kevin when he comes back from work and makes an executive decision.
A sense of peace washed over him, letting the breeze whistle past him and turned his wings inwards, catching an updraft before plummeting down towards Xavier's. A faint motion caught his eye and he turned his head, taking in the sight of his beloved below. His heart twisted and his gut took a nose dive as he did, heading towards that direction. He made no sign to hide his approach and even did so much as offer a smile before landing roughly on the ground. A night of standing on his legs all day made them rubber like that and he resisted dropping to his knees, greeting Kevin instead.
"Hey." They hadn't seen each other since, well, since they were fighting and even then, it was through email. Shoving his hands in his pockets, black converse kicked at the grass and again, he offered a smile. "Where ya been?"
Kevin was wandering because for the moment it seemed like the better option. He couldn't go near the metal shop because there were blocks of wood there taunting him. Blocks of wood he was almost scared of. He wouldn't go back to the suite because of Jay. He could hole up in the guest room he was occupying at the moment but eventually he had to start convincing himself to keep his gloves on or to not brush his cheek against the plaster wall. So right now only having grass to taunt him was the best option. Until a familiar pair of red wings landed in front of him and Kevin's stomach sank.
He took a step back from Jay, but not because he was really scared that Jay would use him for his own self-destruction. he took a step back because the thought that Jay might really want to die made him want to get close to Jay to offer some sort of physical comforting but the thought of being that close to Jay made Kevin worry over whether or not he could trust himself with him. "Been around. Staying somewhere else for the moment." Jay had been the initial reason but Kevin wondered if maybe it was better for him to stay away from people. People were organic and they crumbled just as easily as paper did. As easily as wood did.
He tried to keep the frown from forming on his face when Kevin stepped back and inclined his head, dropping his eyes. He deserved that, he supposed, on some level he didn't know of. Deliberately, he didn't ask about prom. He didn't want to know. "Yeah, Ah didn' see ya 'round yesterday, so... " he shrugged, finding some interest in a small rock he rolled under his foot, over the grass. "Couldn't find ya either. Yer avoidin' again." Avoiding him, avoiding people, avoiding the world.
He didn't know why Kevin was staying somewhere else, but it hadn't gone unnoticed, when he went to fetch another package of strings, to find Kevin scarce. "So, ya got time to talk?" he asked. "Actually, Ah don' need ya to respond. Ah jus' need ya to listen to me fer a second." A second meant a few minutes.
"There's reasons," Kevin replied to the comment about him avoiding. His words were softer than usual, though, soft enough that the light breeze may ever well have snatched them away before Jay could hear. Jay was pretty good about actually hearing was Kevin said normally despite how very quietly soft spoken Kevin was by nature. Whether or not Jay caught those words Kevin was unsure.
Kevin was fidgeting. Jay was close and he had to ball his hands into fists in his pockets to keep them there. He shrank in on himself, as if trying to contain every bit of his body so it didn't go wandering away from him to see that feeling of utopia that seemed to come when he destroyed things. His boyfriend wanted to die and Kevin just wanted bring things their death with his touch. This was such a horrible combination. "We need to talk, Jay," he finally said quietly after long moments of silence during which he pulled himself in tighter and tighter to his own body. "Ah mean actually talk. Not fight. An' not kiss 'cause we know how that ends every time an' nothin' gets fixed that way. But...say whatever ya came to say first."
He was really tired and wanted to sit down, or kneel or something, anything but because Kevin was standing, it kept Jay standing and he made no move, nor protest to do otherwise. Instead, he stood there and for a second, thought he heard why Kevin was avoiding in an underlying tone but he wasn't sure if he was imagining it.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to consider his words, chose them, but immediately, his mind drew a blank and now he'd have to go off instinct even though he had thought about it all yesterday. He lifted his eyes, giving Kevina side long glance before he began. "Yanno Ah love ya," he half asked, half stated and smirked to himself. "God help me, Ah'm crazy 'bout you. Yer smart, yer handsome, hell, yer sexy an' yer down right stubborn. But it's everythin' Ah love 'bout ya, an' Ah wouldn't change a thing."
"But yer killin' me from the inside out. Ah say things Ah don't wanna say. It's like spewing word vomit or somethin'. Ah do stupid shit an' regret it a lot later. Like Ah'm love sick an' Ah don' know wha' to do with myself. Ah love ya so much, it aches constantly an' it's breakin' me up. Ah can't take it like this." He paused, not finished but left a moment in between them, hoping what he said made sense.
"Jus' standin' 'ere lookin at ya makes my chest sore an' Ah just don' know how much more Ah can handle. Ah mean, Ah know ya ain't gay. Ya remind me all tha time, but Ah am. An' Ah may not be proud of all of me, but Ah'm proud of some of it an' this 'ere's one thing Ah ain't gonna change. You ain't gonna change. Ya like girls. It don' take a genius ta see that. Yer embarrassed by me, an' Ah don' like feelin' like Ah'm somethin' wrong. Ah ain't mad at ya fer likin' girls - it's jus' who ya are, but Ah can' ignore it. Ya wan'em more than ya want me. Ah know wha' Ah want an' its you. But you don' seem ta know what ya want. Sure, ya say one thing, but yer eyes tell a whole other story. Ah know ya love me, but maybe it ain't wha' ya think it is."
"Ah'm dying ta stop feelin' this way cause it's doing more than killin' me. It's eatin me alive. Ah don't like tha person Ah'm becomin'. Ah feel like Ah'm desperate, hanging onto yer every word an' waiting fer a drop o' water so Ah don' die of dehydration. It's exhaustin' ta feel like this. Ah don' wanna fight wit' ya Kev. Ah don'. Ah just wanna end it on good terms an' be friends cause Ah'm gonna hate'cha if Ah keep goin' the route Ah'm going. Hate'chu an' hate myself."
That wasn't what Kevin was expecting at all. The more apparent what Jay was saying became the more Kevin's face shut down. He knew Terry was going to tell Jay to break up with him. She'd told him outright. What he didn't think was that Jay was just going to listen to her. Just listen to her and do it. Part of him knew it was coming. He'd told Nori it had been coming. He saw it, but what he didn't say is that he didn't think it had to end. He didn't honestly think things were irreparable. Or maybe he just didn't want to think they were. His mind had been totally focused on just not reaching out and touching things before. He'd been consumed only a few moments ago with just not using his powers. It was entirely forgotten now. All of it but his body tensed more at Jay's words than they had at trying to hold himself together.
Slowly Kevin just nodded. "Ah don't want you to hate yerself." The words were slow and almost hesitant but they were all he offered. Kevin didn't start listing the reasons why he didn't want Jay to hate himself. He didn't tell him why he loved him or how embarrassed by him he really wasn't. He didn't start listing off things he loved about his now ex-boyfriend. If this was what Jay wanted and if it was what Jay thought was best for him then Kevin wouldn't argue it. The dull ache in his chest had already started but he wouldn't fight to keep someone he really did love in a situation that was causing him pain or that he thought was destructive. "Ah can ask to have my room changed permanently. If ya want."
"Ya don' have to. Ah love ya. Ah'd give my right arm to see ya everyday, but if ya need ta switch, than ya do it. Ah ain't 'round enough to cause ya problems since Ah'm sleepin' all day." While Kevin's face fell, Jay's somewhat lifted. He wanted to be on good terms, even if he did love Kevin. He was a firm believer in letting go of something you loved, though he had very little faith in it coming back. Especially when it was crazy about girls.
Kevin nodded and remained uncharacteristically still. He wasn't sure if he could handle seeing Jay every day, or just knowing he was existing in close proximity. Close but not really close, right? He'd never done anything even remotely serious with someone before so he wasn't sure what the fall out would be like. It already hurt and he wasn't sure how soon that would fade. "Ah dunno. Ah, um, well Ah probably won't be 'round for the next couple days. Ah'll figure it out." What else was there to say? Kevin was going to try to explain how he was clearly just oblivious and he couldn't help it. He was going to apologize. And he was going to explain the real reason why he didn't go after Jay Thursday night and the real reason why he had to stay out of the suite and away from Jay. But there wasn't really any point to it now, was there?
Nodding, he kicked the grass again and rolled the stone from toe to heel. "Al'ight. Ya do wha' ya hafta do." He smiled and it lifted in his eyes. It was genuine, pleasant and good-natured. He wanted not to be irrational once and blinded by love so badly that he said something stupid. This seemed to work out better in his favour and though he couldn't tell what Kevin was thinking, he was sure Kevin would be happier for it later. He wanted to kiss Kevin one last time, but he knew it was only stretching things out and Jay took a step back, spreading his wings. "Well," he started and pulled his hands out of his pockets, brushing one through his hair. "Ah'll see ya 'round sometime whenever."
"Yeah...Ah'll see ya." That was it, it was over. He had thought once that if they broke up it would have been in the middle of yelling at each other. It would have been spontaneous and in a fit of anger or passion or whatever they were usually getting into a fit of. Quiet and premeditated wasn't the way he'd ever thought they'd end. Kevin pivoted without a word and started to walk toward the mansion. Fuck avoiding the metal shop. It was either the metal shop or the woods would be missing a few trees by the end of the day. Metal shop it was!
A sense of peace washed over him, letting the breeze whistle past him and turned his wings inwards, catching an updraft before plummeting down towards Xavier's. A faint motion caught his eye and he turned his head, taking in the sight of his beloved below. His heart twisted and his gut took a nose dive as he did, heading towards that direction. He made no sign to hide his approach and even did so much as offer a smile before landing roughly on the ground. A night of standing on his legs all day made them rubber like that and he resisted dropping to his knees, greeting Kevin instead.
"Hey." They hadn't seen each other since, well, since they were fighting and even then, it was through email. Shoving his hands in his pockets, black converse kicked at the grass and again, he offered a smile. "Where ya been?"
Kevin was wandering because for the moment it seemed like the better option. He couldn't go near the metal shop because there were blocks of wood there taunting him. Blocks of wood he was almost scared of. He wouldn't go back to the suite because of Jay. He could hole up in the guest room he was occupying at the moment but eventually he had to start convincing himself to keep his gloves on or to not brush his cheek against the plaster wall. So right now only having grass to taunt him was the best option. Until a familiar pair of red wings landed in front of him and Kevin's stomach sank.
He took a step back from Jay, but not because he was really scared that Jay would use him for his own self-destruction. he took a step back because the thought that Jay might really want to die made him want to get close to Jay to offer some sort of physical comforting but the thought of being that close to Jay made Kevin worry over whether or not he could trust himself with him. "Been around. Staying somewhere else for the moment." Jay had been the initial reason but Kevin wondered if maybe it was better for him to stay away from people. People were organic and they crumbled just as easily as paper did. As easily as wood did.
He tried to keep the frown from forming on his face when Kevin stepped back and inclined his head, dropping his eyes. He deserved that, he supposed, on some level he didn't know of. Deliberately, he didn't ask about prom. He didn't want to know. "Yeah, Ah didn' see ya 'round yesterday, so... " he shrugged, finding some interest in a small rock he rolled under his foot, over the grass. "Couldn't find ya either. Yer avoidin' again." Avoiding him, avoiding people, avoiding the world.
He didn't know why Kevin was staying somewhere else, but it hadn't gone unnoticed, when he went to fetch another package of strings, to find Kevin scarce. "So, ya got time to talk?" he asked. "Actually, Ah don' need ya to respond. Ah jus' need ya to listen to me fer a second." A second meant a few minutes.
"There's reasons," Kevin replied to the comment about him avoiding. His words were softer than usual, though, soft enough that the light breeze may ever well have snatched them away before Jay could hear. Jay was pretty good about actually hearing was Kevin said normally despite how very quietly soft spoken Kevin was by nature. Whether or not Jay caught those words Kevin was unsure.
Kevin was fidgeting. Jay was close and he had to ball his hands into fists in his pockets to keep them there. He shrank in on himself, as if trying to contain every bit of his body so it didn't go wandering away from him to see that feeling of utopia that seemed to come when he destroyed things. His boyfriend wanted to die and Kevin just wanted bring things their death with his touch. This was such a horrible combination. "We need to talk, Jay," he finally said quietly after long moments of silence during which he pulled himself in tighter and tighter to his own body. "Ah mean actually talk. Not fight. An' not kiss 'cause we know how that ends every time an' nothin' gets fixed that way. But...say whatever ya came to say first."
He was really tired and wanted to sit down, or kneel or something, anything but because Kevin was standing, it kept Jay standing and he made no move, nor protest to do otherwise. Instead, he stood there and for a second, thought he heard why Kevin was avoiding in an underlying tone but he wasn't sure if he was imagining it.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to consider his words, chose them, but immediately, his mind drew a blank and now he'd have to go off instinct even though he had thought about it all yesterday. He lifted his eyes, giving Kevina side long glance before he began. "Yanno Ah love ya," he half asked, half stated and smirked to himself. "God help me, Ah'm crazy 'bout you. Yer smart, yer handsome, hell, yer sexy an' yer down right stubborn. But it's everythin' Ah love 'bout ya, an' Ah wouldn't change a thing."
"But yer killin' me from the inside out. Ah say things Ah don't wanna say. It's like spewing word vomit or somethin'. Ah do stupid shit an' regret it a lot later. Like Ah'm love sick an' Ah don' know wha' to do with myself. Ah love ya so much, it aches constantly an' it's breakin' me up. Ah can't take it like this." He paused, not finished but left a moment in between them, hoping what he said made sense.
"Jus' standin' 'ere lookin at ya makes my chest sore an' Ah just don' know how much more Ah can handle. Ah mean, Ah know ya ain't gay. Ya remind me all tha time, but Ah am. An' Ah may not be proud of all of me, but Ah'm proud of some of it an' this 'ere's one thing Ah ain't gonna change. You ain't gonna change. Ya like girls. It don' take a genius ta see that. Yer embarrassed by me, an' Ah don' like feelin' like Ah'm somethin' wrong. Ah ain't mad at ya fer likin' girls - it's jus' who ya are, but Ah can' ignore it. Ya wan'em more than ya want me. Ah know wha' Ah want an' its you. But you don' seem ta know what ya want. Sure, ya say one thing, but yer eyes tell a whole other story. Ah know ya love me, but maybe it ain't wha' ya think it is."
"Ah'm dying ta stop feelin' this way cause it's doing more than killin' me. It's eatin me alive. Ah don't like tha person Ah'm becomin'. Ah feel like Ah'm desperate, hanging onto yer every word an' waiting fer a drop o' water so Ah don' die of dehydration. It's exhaustin' ta feel like this. Ah don' wanna fight wit' ya Kev. Ah don'. Ah just wanna end it on good terms an' be friends cause Ah'm gonna hate'cha if Ah keep goin' the route Ah'm going. Hate'chu an' hate myself."
That wasn't what Kevin was expecting at all. The more apparent what Jay was saying became the more Kevin's face shut down. He knew Terry was going to tell Jay to break up with him. She'd told him outright. What he didn't think was that Jay was just going to listen to her. Just listen to her and do it. Part of him knew it was coming. He'd told Nori it had been coming. He saw it, but what he didn't say is that he didn't think it had to end. He didn't honestly think things were irreparable. Or maybe he just didn't want to think they were. His mind had been totally focused on just not reaching out and touching things before. He'd been consumed only a few moments ago with just not using his powers. It was entirely forgotten now. All of it but his body tensed more at Jay's words than they had at trying to hold himself together.
Slowly Kevin just nodded. "Ah don't want you to hate yerself." The words were slow and almost hesitant but they were all he offered. Kevin didn't start listing the reasons why he didn't want Jay to hate himself. He didn't tell him why he loved him or how embarrassed by him he really wasn't. He didn't start listing off things he loved about his now ex-boyfriend. If this was what Jay wanted and if it was what Jay thought was best for him then Kevin wouldn't argue it. The dull ache in his chest had already started but he wouldn't fight to keep someone he really did love in a situation that was causing him pain or that he thought was destructive. "Ah can ask to have my room changed permanently. If ya want."
"Ya don' have to. Ah love ya. Ah'd give my right arm to see ya everyday, but if ya need ta switch, than ya do it. Ah ain't 'round enough to cause ya problems since Ah'm sleepin' all day." While Kevin's face fell, Jay's somewhat lifted. He wanted to be on good terms, even if he did love Kevin. He was a firm believer in letting go of something you loved, though he had very little faith in it coming back. Especially when it was crazy about girls.
Kevin nodded and remained uncharacteristically still. He wasn't sure if he could handle seeing Jay every day, or just knowing he was existing in close proximity. Close but not really close, right? He'd never done anything even remotely serious with someone before so he wasn't sure what the fall out would be like. It already hurt and he wasn't sure how soon that would fade. "Ah dunno. Ah, um, well Ah probably won't be 'round for the next couple days. Ah'll figure it out." What else was there to say? Kevin was going to try to explain how he was clearly just oblivious and he couldn't help it. He was going to apologize. And he was going to explain the real reason why he didn't go after Jay Thursday night and the real reason why he had to stay out of the suite and away from Jay. But there wasn't really any point to it now, was there?
Nodding, he kicked the grass again and rolled the stone from toe to heel. "Al'ight. Ya do wha' ya hafta do." He smiled and it lifted in his eyes. It was genuine, pleasant and good-natured. He wanted not to be irrational once and blinded by love so badly that he said something stupid. This seemed to work out better in his favour and though he couldn't tell what Kevin was thinking, he was sure Kevin would be happier for it later. He wanted to kiss Kevin one last time, but he knew it was only stretching things out and Jay took a step back, spreading his wings. "Well," he started and pulled his hands out of his pockets, brushing one through his hair. "Ah'll see ya 'round sometime whenever."
"Yeah...Ah'll see ya." That was it, it was over. He had thought once that if they broke up it would have been in the middle of yelling at each other. It would have been spontaneous and in a fit of anger or passion or whatever they were usually getting into a fit of. Quiet and premeditated wasn't the way he'd ever thought they'd end. Kevin pivoted without a word and started to walk toward the mansion. Fuck avoiding the metal shop. It was either the metal shop or the woods would be missing a few trees by the end of the day. Metal shop it was!
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