xp_logs | Kevin & Haller, Thursday night

Kevin decides it's time he faces his most pressing issue and he turns to the only person he actually can talk to for help.

Kevin's hands kept going into fists and relaxing only to clench again. It was a seemingly endless cycle. His muscles were relaxed, an indicator that he'd been using his powers within the past twenty-four hours though no one but Kevin knew that one was related to another. He hadn't even figured it out until recently. The physiological reaction was strange and he didn't understand it, but the craving was worse. If he stopped for too long he found himself idly reaching out to brush his fingers across the surface of something that would have crumbled from the contact if the thin cloth of his gloves didn't stand between them. It didn't help, though. His face was always uncovered and the impulse to touch became strong enough that he would catch himself in the middle of trying to do something he shouldn't. Ever since Prom night he'd secluded himself because of the impulses, worried he'd do something to hurt someone. Kevin only came out to go to work, though he was doing an astounding depiction of a zombie when he was there in part thanks to the wonderful timing of his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, anyway.

Deciding that something had to change and simple resistance wasn't actually working, Kevin decided he needed help. Preferably he needed it before he did something that cost someone their arm or half their face or even a finger. The problem was that Kevin wasn't great at talking to people. He wasn't comfortable with talking to people about himself and in some ways he didn't even really know how to. The only person he figured he'd have any luck with and who he'd be willing to attempt communication was Haller. It was nearing ten o'clock when Kevin pulled himself out of the metal shop. He'd been in there since leaving the Elpis offices listening to Children of Bodom louder than was polite while putting sculptures together and ripping others apart. He'd given in around eight o'clock to the last remaining block of wood that was supposed to be for his powers training. They hadn't been serving that purpose very often for weeks now.

Stepping up to the door of Haller's suite Kevin knocked very lightly. For all he knew Haller was an early sleeper and if he was then Kevin didn't want to wake him. He could get through the night, it wasn't like it couldn't wait necessarily. If Haller was there and not busy then Kevin would take the opportunity, but he didn't want to interrupt. The boy snorted to himself at the idea of not wanting to interrupt someone with the tiny issue of his powers possibly having developed a sort of blood lust. Organic lust? Wow, that sounded really lame. Maybe he should give up the thinking thing.

Jim wasn't sure where the chicken in his freezer had come from. He certainly didn't remember buying it. Actually, there seemed to be a great deal in his pantry he hadn't bought, and he was beginning to suspect that Lorna had done some surreptitious stocking before she'd left. It was a testament to how often he did his own cooking that it had taken him a week to notice. - Show quoted text -While he'd been conscientious enough to take it out to defrost this morning, it occurred to him as he watched the pan it probably would have been better to slice the chicken before attempting to grill it. Likewise, seasoning might have been nice. Still, he wasn't overly bothered. He also had leftover kateh, feta, and garlic. The ingredients were all individually tolerable. Logic said combining them would be fine. Besides, at 10 o'clock after a night class he wasn't inclined to be picky.

He was, however, a little surprised to hear a knock at his door. That was unusual, especially since Lorna had moved out. Still, Davey's toys were safely in their box, and the oddity of the hour indicated it might be important. Jim half-turned from the stove and called, "Come in, it's open."

Kevin hesitated for a moment before reaching out and turning the doorknob. he took a deep breath to steel his nerves and reaffirm that he needed to do this. Really, it wouldn't be that bad. Maybe. Possibly. In his head Haller was giving him a stern look and asking why Kevin didn't go to someone sooner. Unfortunately mental Haller had a point. The thought was stopped momentarily as Kevin peeked through the door as he opened it. "Hi," his voice was quieter than usual and he had to remind himself that most people weren't Terry and couldn't manage to hear him when he did that. After swallowing hard he tried for something closer to his normal volume, which might have still been too quiet to be heard from the distance. "You busy?"

He didn't actually enter, just lingered in the doorway until he was sure that he wasn't actually disturbing anything. There was also the matter of the fact that he was slightly preoccupied with the disarray he hadn't expected to find on the other side of the door. Papers and books inside books and sketches were just sort of...everywhere. Part of his brain wanted to lecture Haller on how even bad art shouldn't end up on the floor. The rest of his brain was too preoccupied by the impending conversation to bother, thankfully.

"Kevin? No -- come in." Jim started to turn, then hastily shoveled at the chicken breast with a metal spatula. His first instinct was to give the boy his full attention, but he didn't want to become distracted and get bawled out by Cain for setting off the smoke alarm. Again. Still, as he flipped the breast he stole a quick glance over his shoulder. "Sorry, I'll be right there, I'm just finishing up. Do you want to sit down? I think there's a clear spot on the couch, but you can move anything."

Kevin tried to find the couch, which took a moment, but ultimately he uttered a polite, "Thanks, but Ah can stand, it's fine." He chose his steps carefully as he entered and the door was softly shut behind him. His eyes went from Haller to the floor so he could try to make sure he didn't step on anything much. "Ah, um," he awkwardly tried to figure out how to start this. It was easier in his head when it was hypothetical and he didn't need to consider actual words. "Well, Ah wanted to talk to ya 'bout, well...Ah've got--" he cut himself off when he finally was close enough to see Haller's attempt at cooking that was going on. His eyebrows knit together and he was instantly distracted. "Ya realize it's already dead an' ya don't hafta torture it postmortem, right?"

"It's fine, mostly it's there for the illusion of a balanced diet." Jim took the pan from the stove and tipped the contents onto the waiting bowl of kateh. The breast lay atop the cold rice with the sad, rubbery look of the over-done and under-seasoned. Clicking off the stove top, Jim turned his attention back to Kevin, resting his palms on the counter top.

"I'll let that cool down," the counselor said in a tone that indicated the forlornly steaming chicken would no longer be an available topic for a handy dodge. This was the second time Kevin had approached him in a week, and considering the boy's normal tendencies that was enough to raise concern. "What's up? Is it . . ." The name Jay somehow managed to come across without ever actually passing through vocal chords.

Illusion was right if that was what Haller was considering a balanced diet. He cringed inwardly at the poor chicken breast and thanked his father silently for working late so Kevin figured out how to cook. If his skills amounted to the same as Haller's he'd likely have starved to death long ago. Then again, Haller might pull that off still. He shook his head and very quietly muttered, "They make cookbooks for a reason." He wasn't sure if his words were heard but he forced his attention away from the topic and back to the point which instantly caused his stance to become awkward though he didn't actually move at all.

Even the unspoken name caused a quick, pained look to flash across Kevin's features. He quickly shook his head more to clear it than in response but it would do for that as well. "No, it's not that. He's fine, Ah think. Ah wouldn't really know. Terry was supposed to talk to 'im." Terry who had told Kevin she was going to encourage Jay to break up with him. And then he did. There was a sensation of a twisting in his stomach at the thought. "He looked...happy last time Ah saw 'im." The idea clearly didn't cause happiness in Kevin, his tone and expression both making that abundantly clear. Instead he plowed ahead in hopes of not having to talk about Jay. "It's somethin' else. Complicated. Er...maybe not actually complicated. Ah dunno. Doesn't make sense to me." He trailed off, trying to make sense of it enough to explain it. This had been a bad plan.

"Okay." From Kevin's response Jim wasn't entirely sure it was right to just set the entire Jay issue aside, but the fact something even heavier seemed to be weighing on the boy's mind wasn't a good sign. He exhaled slowly and gave an encouraging bob of the head. "All right. Well, go ahead and do the best you can -- don't worry about making sense right now, just stick to the basics. What's bothering you?"

Kevin groaned to himself. Bothering was an understatement. Driving him half mad might have been better. "It's a powers thing. And it sounds kinda, well, it sounds stupid to me so it'll probably sound weirder to you," he warned. The warning wasn't really necessary and Kevin knew that, but he needed to get it out there before he started to babble away. He took a deep breath before he launched into a quiet rambling of an explanation. "It's like...it's like when you haven't eaten for days. An' that feeling like yer stomach's eatin' itself an' that nagging in the back o' yer head that you need to eat somethin' 'cause if ya don't obviously you're gonna die. Only it's not food. It's kinda everything. Ah didn't actually get what was goin' on fer a while. Like until last week while. It's like if Ah don't use my powers my muscles get all tense and Ah get irritated real easily. Y'know, like kinda how everyone figures on me actin' all the time. Only I started doing the powers training stuff finally, right? An' then Ah was always in a better mood. An' Ah didn't put 'em together until I stopped doin' it as much. Ah sorta realized after Ah stopped for a little while that when I'd use 'em Ah'd relax, be happier. Like...like if Ah'd had really bad anxiety and someone gave me meds for it er somethin'. And now..." his hands clenched into fists and then relaxed in their ceaseless cycle that had continued since he'd let go of the door knob. "Now it's like no matter how much Ah try to ignore it and just not use 'em--'cause that can't be normal, right?--the more Ah wanna touch stuff, just to feel it decay. Like, Ah start going toward stuff without realizin' it."

Kevin stopped speaking and his eyes dropped to the floor. He forced them back up but he couldn't bring himself to look at Haller so instead his eyes fixated on a bookshelf and a makeshift horse on it that was made of sticks of some sort it looked like from where he was. "That's why...why Ah didn't go after Jay myself that night. Ah was worried 'bout 'im, but if he was serious well...Ah couldn't trust myself to be safe 'round him and Ah didn't wanna hurt 'im. 'Specially since he might not complain if he was serious. An' 'cause he'd always brush off the possibility anyway 'cause o' his healin' factor." His eyes darted over to meet Haller's for a brief instant before going back to that horse. "That all make any sense?"

Jim didn't respond to this immediately. It was partly attributable to the need to digest all this information, but mostly to keep his initial reaction off his face because his first thought was: Oh, shit.

What Kevin was describing he knew had to be horrible enough; Jim knew how concerned Kevin was with making missteps. The urge to touch organic material was uncomfortable in itself. The urge to touch the organic material that composed his own friends must be akin to homicidal ideation.

And who was it encouraged him to 'get comfortable' with his powers? whispered the little clot of negative emotions embodied by Jack, that piece of him that was never very far beneath the surface.

But the thought was there and gone like a flicker of lightning. Right now, the job was not self-flagellation.

"It makes sense," Jim nodded slowly. "I've never heard of it before, but . . . well, exercise is supposed to release endorphins, so I guess it's possible using your powers could have a similar effect. Did you ever notice anything like this before you started regular training?"

His head shook in response even as Kevin thought about it. "No. Ah mean, Ah never used 'em except," he trailed off. Everyone was aware of his manifestation. "And there were these two dogs, but Ah was too freaked out back then to notice." He remembered reducing Jay's fallen feathers to ashes months ago but he couldn't remember if it had any effect on him. "h wondered if it was like a...kinda like how you can get numb to pain. Even though it doesn't go away you get used to it? Maybe it was like that before? But then Ah started to actually try to use 'em and...well..." he shrugged.

Jim gave this some thought, one finger tapping on the counter top. He didn't want to voice his own impressions -- which was that of Shiro's descriptions of being addicted to Kick. The telepath didn't know about addictive substances, but it was generally accepted that the longer you used the more you needed. Abstain abruptly, and you got withdrawal.

Could someone become physically addicted to their own powers? He'd never heard of it, but why not?

"Mr. Summers needs regular exposure to sunlight or UV lamps, or he starts feeling sick," Jim said slowly, stilling his tapping finger. "It's because he absorbs the light. His body's designed to do it. I don't think that's what's going on with you, but powers do hook into physiology in certain ways, and it sounds like yours took a non-standard route." The telepath scuffed the back of his head thoughtfully. "I think you should talk to Dr. MacTaggert. She's the powers expert -- there's probably some tests she can run to get a better grasp on what's causing this."

Kevin paled almost immediately. Obviously this was a bad idea. He should have just taken off for everyone's benefit, court orders be damned. "No. Ah don't want nothin' to do with Muir. They've run every test they could think of on me already." The aversion was thick in his voice. If his options were MacTaggert or nothing he'd deal on his own. It wasn't that Kevin disliked the woman herself, but he wasn't going anywhere near Muir ever again and dealing with her meant he might be forced to.

"Moira comes around pretty regularly because of the whole husband-thing," Jim pointed out, but without any real insistence. Kevin was stressed enough without fighting about the subject of his bad associations. Not when there were other options -- like Jean and her diagnostic-honed telepathy. "But okay. You could also try Dr. Grey-Summers -- I'm sure there's some tests she can run for you, and sometimes she's able to make connections the tests don't. Want to try her instead?"

Kevin had tensed to the point of doing a remarkable imitation of granite as he waited for the argument that Dr. MacTaggert was who he really had to go to. When the other option was presented the relief was easy to read and he relaxed as much was possible in his current state. "Alright. Ah could...yeah, Ah could deal with Dr. Grey-Summers. But," he stopped abruptly, eyes dropping. Kevin shoved his hands into his pockets to hopefully stop that clenching and unclenching current they were stuck on. "Could--Ah mean, would you explain to her what's goin' on? It's just...Ah'm really not good. At talkin' to people. Well, most people. And Ah haven't really talked to her much. And...Ah dunno if Ah can make as much sense o' it if Ah gotta explain it again." His tone didn't hold much hope for that possibility.

"I can give her the basics," Jim agreed, "just remember that she'll need to ask you for specifics, especially regarding how things feel. I'd be surprised if she didn't ask you to use your powers in front of her a few times so she can see what's going on, too. Do you think you can handle that?"

Kevin was nodding along in agreement until asked if he could handle using his powers in front of the doctor. "Uh...yeah. Ah can handle it. It's not really the usin' that's a problem anyway. It's the not usin' that is." If Jean had the general explanation, though, then he wouldn't have to explain as much. That worked in his favor a lot. Maybe coming to talk to Haller wasn't actually the worst idea ever after all.

Jim nodded. "Don't worry -- Jean can probably conduct the entire physical from seven feet away. Telekinetic, remember." The lank man finally pushed away from the countertop. This probably wasn't the most professional move on his part, but he nonetheless felt it had to be said. The telepath sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry about this, Kevin. When I suggested practicing I didn't mean to cause you any more problems."

"Right, telekinetic. Handy," he muttered to himself as he tried to get his head around the fact that this weird glitch in his system was actually going to require medical attention. He hadn't considered that at all. Kevin did feel bad that Haller apparently felt badly about it, though. "It's not your fault. It helped in a way for a while. Ah kind started to figure out there could be control sorta. Made me friendlier, so that's good, right?" While he did say it mostly for Haller's benefit, Kevin also wasn't lying. "It's not like you could know it'd happen."

Jim gave a half-smile. "Still. You don't have to have meant something to regret it happened." He slid his hands into his pockets, the right toying with his cigarette holder. "But I generally find it better to deal with the present than rehash the past, so I guess we can leave it at that. I'll drop Dr. Grey-Summers a line soon. Don't worry. I guarantee she's seen weirder, and she's had her own experiences with unintended consequences. I'm glad you said something. Some people leave problems until the point fixing them gets interesting." Us included.

Kevin shrugged a little. "Yeah, but it's not like anything really bad happened 'cause of it." It was obvious from the way he said that one word that Kevin meant no one died. If he was another kind of person it could have gotten a lot worse. He was painfully self-aware where his mutation was concerned and painfully terrified of hurting people because of what he was. What, not who. Someone else may have gotten sucked down into the consequences further and never gone to anyone. Kevin's failing was that he tried to handle it himself on the side first. "Thanks, Haller," and he managed a small smile that was genuine. "Ah guess Ah'll go see the doctor tomorrow mornin'."

He turned to go and paused when his eyes landed on Haller's attempt at cooking. "Ya really shouldn't be trusted to cook, y'know. You'll never make it cookin' fer yerself." Normally the shift to lighthearted and playful would have been much more pronounced than it was now. His words came out flat with and edge toward sarcasm even though he didn't intend it. His expression was soft enough to show he wasn't actually trying to be mean.

Jim just smiled. "I don't notice most of the time. You could say I'm a little biased against anything happening outside my skull." The boy looked wrung-out. Jim pulled the cigarette case from his pocket and began tossing it from hand to hand, the silver flashing in the kitchen light. "By the way, Weight-of-the-World Guy," he said, his tone as light as Kevin's had tried to be, "you're talking to someone who let his problems get so bad he burned down a club before he'd ask for help."

The cigarette case spun high in the air: two rotations, three, gleaming like a metallic pinwheel. Then Jim's hand shot out, snatching it from the air without missing a beat. He looked up at Kevin, and now his smile lacked the sardonic edge.

"I know about 'really bad,' and how hard it is to admit you need help," Jim said quietly, setting the cigarette case onto the counter, "so do me a favor and don't disparage what you're doing. Some of us aren't born safe. It matters that we try to be anyway."

Kevin wondered if it had gotten bad enough how much of the mansion could have ended up in ashes if he had just waited until everyone was asleep to lay his bare skin against a wall. It wasn't like the security system had something built in for "disappearing wall," did it? He did listen to Haller quite seriously though. "Yeah, Ah guess it does." He kept his thoughts about what that meant to himself. Thoughts of what kind of creator would make people so destructive. Again he revisited the thought of reincarnation and the fact that he must have been a truly awful person to have so many sins to atone for that he ended up what he was in this life. Hopefully by his next time around he'd be safer, right? Kevin gave Haller a small smile that didn't reach his eyes and fooled no one at all.