xp_logs | Kevin & Nathan

After Kevin's run-in with Jay he goes to Nathan seeking help. Unfortunately he doesn't find what he seeks there.

Originally his destination had been his room, which was still the guest room he'd borrowed after Jay's comment about wanting to die. After his run in with his ex moments ago his destination had shifted out of the mansion and to the boathouse. It was too late to be calling on anyone but it was important and Kevin was sure Nathan was likely up pouring over all that Russian he'd been dealing with for days now. At least it hadn't looked like he'd slept enough lately. If there wasn't an answer or a light on then he'd leave, but he wasn't sure where he was going to do until he had this conversation. He sure as hell wasn't going back into the mansion until he'd figured out a way out of it.

His nerves were shot from all of Jay's pushing and his muscles ached now that he'd let them relax a little. He was still tense, the muscles of his neck standing out visibly from the contraction, but that wasn't tension Kevin could choose to let go of until he could stop fighting against that aching urge to touch things, to destroy them and feel the life in them fade away. He probably only imagined the last part when he used his powers, but it was a strong feeling even if it was imagined. He knocked lightly on the door to the boathouse, not waking to disturb anyone who might be asleep since he wasn't sure if Nathan's daughter was here or with her mom. He looked frazzled and like he'd gone through hell. Kevin probably hadn't looked that great when he was at work earlier but the change was drastic in his features between then and now. His eyes looked spooked and slightly terrified, mostly at what he nearly did.

Rachel was safely on Muir, which mean that Nathan was indeed working late - far later than Moira would have allowed, if she had been home. But he'd sensed Kevin almost as soon as his feet had touched the path to the boathouse, and had gotten up, heading into the kitchen to put some coffee back on. He suspected he'd be up for a while longer, dealing with this.

#Come in,# he sent at the knock.

Kevin's hand moved as if to shoo a fly from his head when Nathan's telepathic voice entered his mind. That was always weird. He entered, pausing for a moment to listen to the noise to find where Nathan was before heading in that direction. Hands were balled into fists but shoved into the pockets of his hoodie so he could possibly downplay how tense and on edge he was. His thoughts were likely loud enough to be screaming anyway so it didn't make much of a difference but to him it was about the effort.

When he found Nathan the first words out of his mouth were, "Is there any way Ah can legally move off of Xavier's property?" It said volumes that he didn't bother to greet Nathan. One of the very few voluntary things out of his mouth in the past two weeks had been a greeting to Nathan when he showed up at the office. He was normally so polite to Nathan, even when he was good naturedly picking on his boss, that it was quite a contrast to not even bother with a hello.

Nathan paused briefly, then went back to getting the coffee ready. "There's always the option of moving back to Muir," he said quietly. "I'm sure that could be arranged with the court without too much difficulty."

A frustrated, half-strangled noise started in Kevin's through but didn't make it past his lips. "Ah don't wanna go back to Muir," and he almost sounded pained. If that was his only choice he'd probably take it to be honest but he didn't want to. He really, really, really never wanted to go back there. "Ah've been seein' Sampson, and powers training and now Doctor Grey-Summers has me on these meds and they'll cut my mutation way back for a while so Ah can get a hold on 'em and learn control better and deal with 'em. Ah just...Salem Center? Can't they agree to that? Ah still work here, and Ah'd be here to see Sampson and the doctor and do powers training and everything. They can send me an FBI agent to check on me every day and to keep tabs that Ah'm doin' what Ah gotta or put a trackin' device on me, Ah don't care." The desperate was thick in his voice but he didn't bother to try to mask it.

Nathan turned to face him, silent for another long moment as he sized up how Kevin was looking - and what his mind was leaking. "Maybe before we get into discussing plans," he said, almost gently, "you should tell me why you're so desperate to leave."

Kevin took a deep breath, steeling himself for an explanation he didn't want to give, and likely wouldn't if he didn't think it was necessary. He wanted to just collapse into a chair but at the moment he didn't think he had enough of his self-control back to be very near anything so he stayed as far from everything as he could. "Mah powers've been wonky. Like, Ah dunno if it's gonna make sense, but like they're hungry er somethin'? Ya know how if ya work too much an' forget to eat after a while even a picture of a greasy McDonald's hamburger makes yer mouth water because you're so hungry? Well it's like that, only it's not food. It's organic stuff. All organic stuff." He hoped Nathan understood that people were involved in that as well and he wouldn't have to state it bluntly. "And Ah end up wantin' to touch things, decay 'em, watch stuff crumble into ash. Ah went to Haller when Ah realized it wasn't going away. Ah can control myself to not do it, but that's why Ah've been so...grrr lately." Yeah, this really wasn't going to make sense, was it?

"Ah went to Doctor Grey-Summers an' she checked me out an' she talked to yer wife since they'd run all sorts o' tests on me while Ah was there. She found this drug that'll suppress mah...sebum production?" He remembered the word but clearly still wasn't sure what sebum was. "An' Doctor MacTaggert says mah mutation's in mah sebum, Ah guess. But it takes time to kick in, to cut down mah sebum. Doctor Grey-Summers says it'll cut it down enough that mah powers will be next to non-existent while Ah'm on the meds."

He stopped and sighed, having said almost all of that t such a rapid pace that he now needed to suck in deep breaths. "Most people kinda give me a wide berth, y'know? They know not to touch me, most o' 'em know Ah freak out if they get too close so they don't. And that makes it easy to 'void doin' anythin' that might hurt someone. Other stuff, like paper or wood or whatever Ah can manage on mah own pretty easily 'cause if Ah need to Ah just walk away." He wondered if Nathan had looked up from the Russian enough lately to notice when Kevin ended up standing outside on the docks reading instead of sitting at a desk. "But Jay...he don't listen. An' Ah haven't explained it to 'im because Ah don't wanna explain it to no one. Ah don't wanna freak people out and if it gets where Ah can't control it Ah'll go to someone first. 'Sides, it's mah business, not theirs. Ah told 'im Ah didn't wanna talk to 'im or see 'im." Kevin flinched as he realized that needed an explanation too. "We broke up. Well, he broke up with me. And, well, he's a lot happier 'bout it than Ah am. So Ah told 'im 'cause of that Ah didn't wanna talk to 'im or have 'im around 'cause it was too hard, and that's true. Ah wasn't just using it as an excuse.

"But he pushes things. He's always pushed things. And tonight," he stopped short. "Ah nearly went to Garrison's room and asked him to take me into custody instead of coming here." It was hard to admit and that fact was plain on the teenager's face. If it was anyone but Nathan he might not have said that aloud at all. "Ah'm fine all the time, well not fine but Ah can deal but Jay pushes me and Ah don't trust mah self-control with him bein' the way he is. If Ah don't live here he can't find me, can't try to push mah buttons all the time. If Ah'm only here for work and stuff court says Ah gotta do then he can't push it and Ah won't hurt him and Ah swear Mister Dayspring Ah'm not dangerous to anyone but 'im." He wondered if that was because he always wanted to touch Jay and his powers malfunctioning like they were just used that and turned it potentially fatal. After all of that explanation tumbled out of his mouth Kevin was surprised to notice that his desperation and frustration and hopelessness had caused tears to fall down his face. He didn't bother to wipe them away, just let the salty trails dry.

The surge of pure murderous rage he felt right at that moment for Jay Guthrie was really kind of alarming. Nathan stepped on it hard, scrambling to reinforce his shields. None of that internal reaction showed on his face, or in his voice when he finally spoke again. "Kevin," he said softly, "I want you to listen to me, all right? What you're going through right now - what Jean and Moira are trying to help you with, is possibly the best reason in the world for you to stay right here. Where they can monitor you, to see how well it works, and where you can get help as soon as you need it, whenever you need it, to help deal with this. You are not," and there was a trace of steel in his voice now, "going to be driven away, or into some situation with the legal system that never should have anything to do with you in the first place, because Jay Guthrie is a nightmare ex with no respect for you or for himself."

Kevin had starting shaking his head the moment the words "best reason" were out of Nathan's mouth. What he said made sense but the problem was that sense had rarely ever applied to Jay and Kevin, whether they were in a relationship or not. "Ah wouldn't be that far away. They'd still get to monitor me. Ah'd come whenever they wanted me to do do tests or check up or whatever." How could he make it make sense to Nathan? Jay wouldn't stop. Jay was a lot dumber than he gave him credit for a lot of the time. Love is blind, that was sure as hell right. Jay would be deterred for a few days maybe after Kevin had all out threatened to kill him tonight but he wondered how many days it would take for all caution to fade from his ex's mind. When he spoke the pain in his voice was raw and bare. "It ain't about how it happens, Mister Dayspring. You know that. They don't care in the court 'bout circumstances. They care about me and mah control. Eventually Ah'll snap an' it might be before the meds can really kick in. Or maybe it'll be after Ah'm off 'em and he does something stupid. Ah can't hurt him. Ah...Ah won't hurt no one. Ah won't--Ah won't kill someone again. If mah only option is Muir then Ah'll take it if Ah've gotta but Ah won't risk people." He was grasping at straws by agreeing to take Muir if it was that or stay. He was looking for any desperate attempt to keep people safe from him. Or rather to keep himself safe from them.

"You don't have to make that choice," Nathan said sharply. Hearing all of it. "You're not following me, Kevin. You need this place. And whatever I have to do to make it safe for you, I will do."

"Yes," he insisted, "Ah do hafta make that choice." Kevin was getting frustrated. It was about him, not Jay. Jay was a huge contributing factor but it was about Kevin not hurting people more than it was about the people he might hurt. "You can't make it safe. So Jay gets the hint and backs off. What about someone else? What if some new kid comes in, thinks they're tough or bad or whatever and does something? Ah can't force people to understand Ah'm dangerous. Jay never got the point. He dated me for a little over six months and he'd brush it off. People've been hurt before without it bein' mah fault." He bite the inside of his cheek suddenly. He hadn't ever actually told anyone about that in the eight months since Chakra had happened. "You can't control what other people do and Ah can only control what Ah do. It's never safe even if people pretend it is. It wasn't even safe before mah powers went weird on me. It was just safer."

"And you don't think other people here are dangerous? I've been on the receiving end of powers accidents before - Jono blew me into a wall years go when he exploded. I've also caused powers accidents." It wasn't particularly fair, but Nathan deliberately took the point and ran with it, right into the ground. "Do you think your chances of hurting someone by accident actually lessens, living among people who have no idea why they should be cautious around you?"

"Who said they'd be around," he asked pointedly. He got the point, but no one had gotten hurt when he'd been holed up in a a junkyard except for a couple dogs out of necessity. Chakra had only happened because he was stupid enough to go to Central Park. "Most people around here are dangerous, but most of them aren't dangerous all the time. Most of them have an off switch. Ah don't. Accidents happen but we're not talkin' 'bout me explodin' or doin' something Ah can't control. We're talkin' 'bout me reaching out an' turnin' someone's arm into dust and a withered stump."

"You are not going to become a recluse somewhere because your ex-boyfriend is pushing all of your buttons and driving you into a panic." He needed to talk to someone who got along with Jay better. He was not the person to broach this topic; there was no way he could be objective.

Kevin looked at Nathan blankly, he was kidding about the recluse thing, right? He had to be. "'Cause Ah'm such a social butterfly who talks to an' gets along with so many people while Ah'm here? Reality check, Ah come to work, Ah work on sculptures and Ah sleep. When necessary Ah go scowl at Sampson." The point was he wouldn't be any more reclusive elsewhere than he was here. It'd just be slightly harder for people like Clarice or Jennie to drag him out of seclusion.

"And you don't have friends," Nathan said, a touch of sarcasm in the words, "who insist upon engaging you in conversation and other social activities. You don't, deep down, appreciate the fact that there are people who make that effort."

"And Salem Center's not that far away. They can still do that. And it's not like Ah'd be disappearing from here entirely. Remember? Work? Sampson? Doctor Grey-Summers? All reasons why Ah'd have to spend time here." Kevin's mind was largely made up. It'd be easier if Nathan was on his side, if he had help but if he had to find a way to pull it off without help then he would. If he had to ditch town entirely just so he could be safer then he would. Even if that meant that when he was found he'd be shoved into a jail cell.

"Kevin.... it's not going to work. Salem Center." Nathan couldn't make it sound quite as apologetic as it should have. "Muir maybe, but not living in town here. Not yet." He took a deep breath, then let it out on a sigh. "Maybe if this medication helps and you make some progress."

"That's right, never do anything unless there's a body on the ground," Kevin muttered. Maybe Garrison's door would have been the better one to knock on tonight. "Nevermind." Kevin turned and headed for the door. Sticking around and praying to God something didn't give and make him snap before the medication dampened his powers enough was like taking bets on how much farther a rubber band could be pulled before it snapped. If nothing else, Kevin was in his full rights to go wherever he wanted for a few days without needing anyone to say it was okay. He wasn't staying there tonight. He didn't trust himself to.

"Kevin," Nathan said, before he could reach the door. "I have a couch," he pointed out. "And a fully stocked kitchen. Which happens to be next door to your workplace." He waited a moment, then went on, as levelly as if he was talking about what a fine night it was. "One of the reasons I like living down here is that I can almost pretend I'm in my own little world. The mansion's not there until I choose to acknowledge it, and I can dunk any unwelcome guests in the lake."

"No thanks, Mister Dayspring," Kevin replied without even turning around. "It's your world, not mine." He paused with his hand on the door knob. "Night, Mister Dayspring. You should sleep before someone tells Doctor MacTaggert on you." Then he opened the door without a word and just left. At the moment he was so over trying to pretend to be normal. Sleeping on a couch and trying not to disintegrate it wouldn't help any.