Kevin & Nate | 3 am Saturday
May. 24th, 2008 03:16 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsKevin returns to Xavier's and finds someone waiting for him.
Three days was not enough time. It was enough for him to calm down mentally, to sort things out calmly and get a little perspective, but Kevin was sure it wasn't the sort of perspective someone like Mr. Dayspring likely would have wanted him to find. He'd hopped the first bus he could get without any idea of where he wanted to go until he was on it. Kevin had ended up in Lenox, Massachusetts, a cute town that was underpopulated enough to not set him off every five seconds but established enough to not be a hole where civilization should have been.
In truth, he was only going back to Xavier's because he had to. Because the court said he had to. He wasn't quite willing to end up in jail for the rest of his life just yet so it was something he was forced into. Consolation for him was the fact it was Friday, which meant he wouldn't likely have to risk dealing with Jay and his utter disregard for everything Kevin said until Monday afternoon or so. Kevin's plan was to stay in his room with the door locked during the day when he knew Jay was there. Maybe even sleep during those hours. When Jay was at work or likely to be asleep he could venture out. This is what he reminded himself of as he walked through the gates at nearly three in the morning.
There was someone sitting on the front steps, in the dark, as he approached. Nathan hadn't been waiting there for very long, of course; he'd had no idea Kevin was coming back tonight. Although he had hoped. He'd been up, stewing over that and trying to distract himself with more of those Russian military records, when he'd sensed Kevin at the head of the driveway. It hadn't taken him very long to decide that coming up from the boathouse was the thing to do.
Kevin spotted the figure and a process of elimination had narrowed it down to just a few people because of the figure's size. Of them only one was likely. He should have guessed Mr. Dayspring would be waiting for him. Kevin, much calmer now than he'd been the last time he'd talked to the man, simply walked up and sat down beside his boss. His voice was even when he said, "How long would it take to get the courts to okay me goin' to Muir? They gave me the option before, while Ah was in custody. Shouldn't take that long, right?"
Nathan didn't answer for a moment. "It would take probably a day," he said. "Maybe even less. If we let them know about your recent...problems-" Meaning the powers issues, not his damned ex-boyfriend, "-the judge would probably consider it a splendid idea." Nathan paused for a moment, and then decided, calmly and consciously, to play dirty pool. "Then again, if we tell them about that, they may decide that it would be best for you to stay there."
He was definitely playing dirty, but he hadn't quite taken into account Kevin's resolve. Nathan still seemed to be underestimating him. Kevin hadn't reacted to the words physically and his voice was just as calm when he reacted vocally. "Then Ah stay there. If Ah really lose it then they're in a better position to deal with me then anyone here is. It was never forever anyway, and eventually court's gotta let me have mah freedom. If these drugs do what Doctor Grey-Summers and Doctor MacTaggert think they will then Ah'll be safe for months, and then when my mutation gets to come back it'll have to leak out slowly so Ah'll have a better shot controlin' 'em. If they don't work...then Ah shouldn't be here anyway."
Nathan's jaw clenched, but he didn't respond for a long minute. "Did I ever tell you about my first six months here?" he asked brusquely. "Or... actually, you've been in and around New York for long enough. You might have heard about the massacre at Columbia back in 2004."
"No, Ah don't know anything 'bout it." Kevin sighed. Nathan was as stubborn as he was, which didn't do him any good when he was trying to do the right thing here. "All due respect an' all, but Ah don't see what bearin' it's got on nothin', Mister Dayspring. 'Cause Ah'm not you. An' knowin' you might've had a hand in a massacre? Sorta makes my point more sound, doesn't it? Ah'm not willing to risk hurtin' people if Ah can do somethin' that'll bring those odds down."
"I didn't have a hand in it. But it happened because of me. I put innocent people in danger by being here. A lot of them died. Moira nearly died," Nathan said, almost under his breath. When he went on, however, his voice was back to a normal volume, but still brusque. "By all rights I should have left. When I came here, I told Scott that I would, if it came to it - and I meant it."
"Ah'm missin' the moral o' the story here."
Nathan pushed himself up to his feet so abruptly that he nearly took a header down the steps. "You want a moral?" he snapped, his voice low but fierce as he moved downwards to solid ground and turned. "Selflessness can be selfishness. Maybe I should have gone, that year. Walked away, removed the risk I posed to the people I cared about. It wasn't just Moira, or strangers. I made friends here, that year. I cared about them, and they cared about me. They knew I needed help, and a fresh start - and they weren't willing to let me walk away. They accepted the risk of my presence, and that was their decision."
Kevin sighed, shaking his head. "But it's not everyone's choice. Ya want me to take a poll of everyone in there? 'Are ya willin' to possibly look like a mummy or lose a limb 'cause Kevin knows he might flip out?' It ain't just about Jay. He's just the one who pushes me. But if he can push me so can someone else. And maybe it gets to the point Ah don't need pushin' to do something. If they're friends then they'll understand that Ah don't trust mahself and Ah won't risk hurtin' more people Ah care about. There's an acceptable level of risk, Mister Dayspring. One Ah'm willin' to deal with. But Ah crossed that line about a month ago. Ah won't have someone nothin' but ash 'cause o' me." Kevin wasn't sure how to make that any clearer. He wasn't sure how to explain to Nathan what it would do to him if he hurt someone. He was still haunted and tormented by his manifestation, by accidentally killing his father. The thought of what it'd do to him if he reached out knowing what would happen? That was a little more than he could even bear to think on.
"Then don't flip out!" Nathan's voice was somehow beseeching and angry at the same time. "You talk about this medication like it's a magic pill that's going to solve the problem. It's a crutch - not in the bad way, but it is something to buy you time to work on the rest of it. Which you can best do here, with the resources you have available to you. Do you really think you're going to get at the root of the problem back on Muir? You'll shut down again to 'survive' it." Nathan's jaw clenched again and he made a brusque gesture at the mansion. "I could close my eyes right now, and level this entire house with a thought. I flipped out in February, and the only reason I didn't do more damage was that I wasn't focused. You didn't see anyone suggesting I needed to leave, did you? People here are willing to take the risk. Even if they don't particularly like you."
"When're you gonna realize it's not about them? It's about me. Ah think Ah'm old enough to have earned the right to make a decision for myself, haven't Ah? Ah'm almost nineteen an' for two years Ah ain't been nowhere but here and Muir for any length of time. 'Cause of an accident when Ah manifested the court'll see to it that don't change for a good, long while. Before that it was a junkyard. Ah chose to come here when y'all showed up. Ah chose to go to Muir when Ah exploded Jono. An' Ah chose to leave Muir when Ah couldn't take it no more. An' when Ah realized that was a bad decision Ah chose to come back here. Ah came back on mah own, court only made sure Ah couldn't leave." Nathan wasn't listening. Maybe it had been a mistake to think he would. Maybe it had been a mistake to do anything other than hop a bus into the city earlier in the day and find some other lawyer to help him. Clearly this one didn't want to. "The mistake you're makin' is thinkin' Ah ain't shut down here, too. You wanna look 'round mah head for the proof? Ah'll let ya. You pull a compare an' contrast between who Ah was 'fore Ah killed my father and who Ah've been since and you'd realize the only difference 'tween here an' Muir is Ah tolerate this cell better."
Nathan fell silent again. When he spoke again, his voice was oddly level. "Laurie was worried about you. Yvette was worried about you." He didn't say anything about how little he himself had slept in the last couple of nights. "You have other friends here. You have more of a life than you had on Muir, and I think you know that. I'll call the court on Monday morning and start the ball rolling if you're absolute dead-set on this. Because there is absolutely nothing for me to do if you think so little of yourself that you need to punish yourself for what you might do."
"Better'n punishing myself for what I did do later on," Kevin muttered through the pang of guilt he felt that Laurie and Yvette had worried. He wasn't exactly the note leaving type and the only reason Nathan had gotten an e-mail is because Kevin wasn't so negligent to be a no call, no show at his job. "Ah'll think 'bout it, okay? Ah won't promise Ah'll change mah mind, but Ah'll give you that much long as you promise to go through with it if Ah don't change what Ah want." It was the only compromise he could give. Maybe Nathan had a point, but he wasn't sure he could risk people he cared about. All the reasons Nathan gave him for staying were all the reasons he had for going.
"I don't renege on things, Kevin." He couldn't be relieved, really, that Kevin was going to give it the weekend. If the time away hadn't helped, it seemed unlikely that a couple of days back here in the pressure cooker would. Nathan rubbed at his eyes for a moment, then shrugged. "I need to go back through the paperwork. Figure out what exactly would be involved."
He shrugged, "Sometimes people change their mind." It wasn't like Nathan was really jumping over the moon about the idea in the first place. Sure, he was a good guy but he was obviously as stubborn as Kevin was so what was to stop him from refusing help to delay the inevitable? "You should sleep first." Nathan looked worse for the wear, really, and Kevin felt bad that it might be partially his fault. The problem with leaving only really existed when you came back to witness the impact. Last time he'd gone to Muir there wasn't anyone to really care. Unfortunately this time there was and if Nathan's state was anything to go by when he left he'd be forced to go through goodbyes so there wasn't a repeat performance of this. Kevin didn't do goodbyes really well.
Three days was not enough time. It was enough for him to calm down mentally, to sort things out calmly and get a little perspective, but Kevin was sure it wasn't the sort of perspective someone like Mr. Dayspring likely would have wanted him to find. He'd hopped the first bus he could get without any idea of where he wanted to go until he was on it. Kevin had ended up in Lenox, Massachusetts, a cute town that was underpopulated enough to not set him off every five seconds but established enough to not be a hole where civilization should have been.
In truth, he was only going back to Xavier's because he had to. Because the court said he had to. He wasn't quite willing to end up in jail for the rest of his life just yet so it was something he was forced into. Consolation for him was the fact it was Friday, which meant he wouldn't likely have to risk dealing with Jay and his utter disregard for everything Kevin said until Monday afternoon or so. Kevin's plan was to stay in his room with the door locked during the day when he knew Jay was there. Maybe even sleep during those hours. When Jay was at work or likely to be asleep he could venture out. This is what he reminded himself of as he walked through the gates at nearly three in the morning.
There was someone sitting on the front steps, in the dark, as he approached. Nathan hadn't been waiting there for very long, of course; he'd had no idea Kevin was coming back tonight. Although he had hoped. He'd been up, stewing over that and trying to distract himself with more of those Russian military records, when he'd sensed Kevin at the head of the driveway. It hadn't taken him very long to decide that coming up from the boathouse was the thing to do.
Kevin spotted the figure and a process of elimination had narrowed it down to just a few people because of the figure's size. Of them only one was likely. He should have guessed Mr. Dayspring would be waiting for him. Kevin, much calmer now than he'd been the last time he'd talked to the man, simply walked up and sat down beside his boss. His voice was even when he said, "How long would it take to get the courts to okay me goin' to Muir? They gave me the option before, while Ah was in custody. Shouldn't take that long, right?"
Nathan didn't answer for a moment. "It would take probably a day," he said. "Maybe even less. If we let them know about your recent...problems-" Meaning the powers issues, not his damned ex-boyfriend, "-the judge would probably consider it a splendid idea." Nathan paused for a moment, and then decided, calmly and consciously, to play dirty pool. "Then again, if we tell them about that, they may decide that it would be best for you to stay there."
He was definitely playing dirty, but he hadn't quite taken into account Kevin's resolve. Nathan still seemed to be underestimating him. Kevin hadn't reacted to the words physically and his voice was just as calm when he reacted vocally. "Then Ah stay there. If Ah really lose it then they're in a better position to deal with me then anyone here is. It was never forever anyway, and eventually court's gotta let me have mah freedom. If these drugs do what Doctor Grey-Summers and Doctor MacTaggert think they will then Ah'll be safe for months, and then when my mutation gets to come back it'll have to leak out slowly so Ah'll have a better shot controlin' 'em. If they don't work...then Ah shouldn't be here anyway."
Nathan's jaw clenched, but he didn't respond for a long minute. "Did I ever tell you about my first six months here?" he asked brusquely. "Or... actually, you've been in and around New York for long enough. You might have heard about the massacre at Columbia back in 2004."
"No, Ah don't know anything 'bout it." Kevin sighed. Nathan was as stubborn as he was, which didn't do him any good when he was trying to do the right thing here. "All due respect an' all, but Ah don't see what bearin' it's got on nothin', Mister Dayspring. 'Cause Ah'm not you. An' knowin' you might've had a hand in a massacre? Sorta makes my point more sound, doesn't it? Ah'm not willing to risk hurtin' people if Ah can do somethin' that'll bring those odds down."
"I didn't have a hand in it. But it happened because of me. I put innocent people in danger by being here. A lot of them died. Moira nearly died," Nathan said, almost under his breath. When he went on, however, his voice was back to a normal volume, but still brusque. "By all rights I should have left. When I came here, I told Scott that I would, if it came to it - and I meant it."
"Ah'm missin' the moral o' the story here."
Nathan pushed himself up to his feet so abruptly that he nearly took a header down the steps. "You want a moral?" he snapped, his voice low but fierce as he moved downwards to solid ground and turned. "Selflessness can be selfishness. Maybe I should have gone, that year. Walked away, removed the risk I posed to the people I cared about. It wasn't just Moira, or strangers. I made friends here, that year. I cared about them, and they cared about me. They knew I needed help, and a fresh start - and they weren't willing to let me walk away. They accepted the risk of my presence, and that was their decision."
Kevin sighed, shaking his head. "But it's not everyone's choice. Ya want me to take a poll of everyone in there? 'Are ya willin' to possibly look like a mummy or lose a limb 'cause Kevin knows he might flip out?' It ain't just about Jay. He's just the one who pushes me. But if he can push me so can someone else. And maybe it gets to the point Ah don't need pushin' to do something. If they're friends then they'll understand that Ah don't trust mahself and Ah won't risk hurtin' more people Ah care about. There's an acceptable level of risk, Mister Dayspring. One Ah'm willin' to deal with. But Ah crossed that line about a month ago. Ah won't have someone nothin' but ash 'cause o' me." Kevin wasn't sure how to make that any clearer. He wasn't sure how to explain to Nathan what it would do to him if he hurt someone. He was still haunted and tormented by his manifestation, by accidentally killing his father. The thought of what it'd do to him if he reached out knowing what would happen? That was a little more than he could even bear to think on.
"Then don't flip out!" Nathan's voice was somehow beseeching and angry at the same time. "You talk about this medication like it's a magic pill that's going to solve the problem. It's a crutch - not in the bad way, but it is something to buy you time to work on the rest of it. Which you can best do here, with the resources you have available to you. Do you really think you're going to get at the root of the problem back on Muir? You'll shut down again to 'survive' it." Nathan's jaw clenched again and he made a brusque gesture at the mansion. "I could close my eyes right now, and level this entire house with a thought. I flipped out in February, and the only reason I didn't do more damage was that I wasn't focused. You didn't see anyone suggesting I needed to leave, did you? People here are willing to take the risk. Even if they don't particularly like you."
"When're you gonna realize it's not about them? It's about me. Ah think Ah'm old enough to have earned the right to make a decision for myself, haven't Ah? Ah'm almost nineteen an' for two years Ah ain't been nowhere but here and Muir for any length of time. 'Cause of an accident when Ah manifested the court'll see to it that don't change for a good, long while. Before that it was a junkyard. Ah chose to come here when y'all showed up. Ah chose to go to Muir when Ah exploded Jono. An' Ah chose to leave Muir when Ah couldn't take it no more. An' when Ah realized that was a bad decision Ah chose to come back here. Ah came back on mah own, court only made sure Ah couldn't leave." Nathan wasn't listening. Maybe it had been a mistake to think he would. Maybe it had been a mistake to do anything other than hop a bus into the city earlier in the day and find some other lawyer to help him. Clearly this one didn't want to. "The mistake you're makin' is thinkin' Ah ain't shut down here, too. You wanna look 'round mah head for the proof? Ah'll let ya. You pull a compare an' contrast between who Ah was 'fore Ah killed my father and who Ah've been since and you'd realize the only difference 'tween here an' Muir is Ah tolerate this cell better."
Nathan fell silent again. When he spoke again, his voice was oddly level. "Laurie was worried about you. Yvette was worried about you." He didn't say anything about how little he himself had slept in the last couple of nights. "You have other friends here. You have more of a life than you had on Muir, and I think you know that. I'll call the court on Monday morning and start the ball rolling if you're absolute dead-set on this. Because there is absolutely nothing for me to do if you think so little of yourself that you need to punish yourself for what you might do."
"Better'n punishing myself for what I did do later on," Kevin muttered through the pang of guilt he felt that Laurie and Yvette had worried. He wasn't exactly the note leaving type and the only reason Nathan had gotten an e-mail is because Kevin wasn't so negligent to be a no call, no show at his job. "Ah'll think 'bout it, okay? Ah won't promise Ah'll change mah mind, but Ah'll give you that much long as you promise to go through with it if Ah don't change what Ah want." It was the only compromise he could give. Maybe Nathan had a point, but he wasn't sure he could risk people he cared about. All the reasons Nathan gave him for staying were all the reasons he had for going.
"I don't renege on things, Kevin." He couldn't be relieved, really, that Kevin was going to give it the weekend. If the time away hadn't helped, it seemed unlikely that a couple of days back here in the pressure cooker would. Nathan rubbed at his eyes for a moment, then shrugged. "I need to go back through the paperwork. Figure out what exactly would be involved."
He shrugged, "Sometimes people change their mind." It wasn't like Nathan was really jumping over the moon about the idea in the first place. Sure, he was a good guy but he was obviously as stubborn as Kevin was so what was to stop him from refusing help to delay the inevitable? "You should sleep first." Nathan looked worse for the wear, really, and Kevin felt bad that it might be partially his fault. The problem with leaving only really existed when you came back to witness the impact. Last time he'd gone to Muir there wasn't anyone to really care. Unfortunately this time there was and if Nathan's state was anything to go by when he left he'd be forced to go through goodbyes so there wasn't a repeat performance of this. Kevin didn't do goodbyes really well.
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