xp_logs | [log] Marie & Logan: Life, in general

Life fluff, Monday evening and later Monday night. Marie gets to be first to go walkabout, later Jamie's post stirs up old and new regrets.

Logan was on his way upstairs and detoured to check on Marie. She probably hadn't eaten yet, knowing her. He made his way to her door and, finding it open, leaned against the jamb, knocking on the wood above his head to get her attention.

Marie was curled up in the office chair in front of her laptop at the dining table, frowning down at a paper in her hand. She looked up at the sound of the knock and smiled when she saw who it was. "Hi there. Did you have some homework you needed help with, Logan?" she teased.

He checked the hall to be sure there weren't any students heading toward her door, then slipped inside, kicking the door shut behind him. "Yes, Miss Marie." He shuffled closer to her, staring at his shoes. "I was hopin' you'd explain how come I didn't end up on the ceilin' again t'day?"

"Don't call me that, Mister Logan." Marie laughed and, while he still was staring at his feet, stripped her thin black gloves off and threw them at him. "And you didn't end up on the ceiling because you didn't ask me nicely. Maybe if you say please, I'll do it again some time."

He caught both gloves without looking up. When he /did/ look up, his eyes were dark. "Please."

Marie took in his expression and the tone of the single word and shifted to rest her chin on one bare hand, watching him. "Come here," she said in a low voice.

He responded without pause, walking over to stand in front of her. He never took his eyes off her, his gaze flickering from her hands to her eyes. Her gloves were clutched tightly in his left hand.

Marie sat up in the chair as he approached and when he stood in front of her, she ran the palms of her hands up his thighs to curl her fingers around his belt. Smiling a little, she looked up to meet his eyes. "Now. What was it that you came for?"

He blinked and when his eyes opened again, they were calm and normal. He grinned. "To see if you've eaten, since you seem to skip more meals'n you eat."

"Not yet." Marie pulled herself to standing and put her arms around his neck. "And here I thought you were here because you missed me today," she said lightly.

He snorted quietly. "Missed havin' you toss me on the mats in the Fencin' Hall, y'think?" The look in his eyes contradicted his words, however, and he knew it.

"Well, you're going to miss it tomorrow," she said. "Happy now?" She knew Logan wouldn't be thrilled about it, and she didn't like missing training or time with him but getting out of the house for some fresh air - so to speak, given that they were going to DC - was probably a good idea. Being apart was going to be an inevitable fact of being together, given Logan's tendancy to go walk-about now and again. Marie prefered that she get to be the first one to be away on her own business, even if it was just for a short trip. It was the principle of it, really.

Logan raised an eyebrow. "I am? You're gonna be busy, huh?"

"Yeah," Marie said with a hint of regret. "Kind of a last minute thing. Jake asked me to go to Washington with him, for moral support and to run interference with his little sister, on the grounds that I'm female and remember being sixteen. It meant enough to him that he found people to cover my classes so I could go. We're leaving at five tomorrow morning."

He was torn between being unhappy that she'd be gone and that they wouldn't get to train -- or spend time together -- and being severely relieved that she hadn't given up her /life/ just because they'd gotten involved. He nudged her cheek with his nose. "Guess I'd better get my time in now, then."

"Guess you'd better," she agreed, turning to kiss him lightly on the cheek. "I'll make sure to try and get that ceiling thing in on Wednesday, just to make up for being gone tomorrow."

He laughed, squeezing her tight. "Thanks for thinkin' of me. Then I can warn 'em all again, and Sarah'll be all jealous 'cause she didn't get hers in yet."

Marie laughed with him and nuzzled her head against his shoulder. "Fair enough." She sighed happily, leaning into his embrace. "Now, what were you here for again?" she asked, teasing him a little.

"Food, little girl." He raised his eyebrow, her only warning before he tossed her over his shoulder and turned toward the door.

Marie curled up on the still-made bed, her back pressed comfortably against Logan's arm, checking her email on her laptop while he went over course notes. She was warm and happy, contented with the moment. On a whim, she opened up her browser to read the journals, looking to see if there was anything new there to read.

Jamie had written an extensive ramble and she read it all with a little smile on her face and went to answer. When she started to write, though, she found herself overwhelmed with sadness and she barely made it through her reply without tears. After it was posted, she stared blankly at the page for a long time, fighting the tightness gripping her chest and throat.

Logan looked up from noting that he'd be teaching Sarah atemi waza, the vital points techniques. Marie was upset, suddenly tense and silent beside him. "You okay?"

"I..." She waved her hand at the screen, at Jamie's post. "...he's so /hopeful/," she managed to say. It seemed self-explanatory. She had no idea what else would clarify her distress and she hugged herself tightly, trying to stifle it.

He leaned in her direction, peering at the screen. "...Oh." Guess that's one I won't have to worry about asking for lessons. "I'm sorry." He stopped and thought for a long moment. "I'm sorry it didn't work out like that for you."

"Me too," she said softly, eyes still on the screen. -I didn't know how much, though.- She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them, willing the hurt to go away. -It's nothing. Life is so good, how can you be sad? Stop being ungrateful, Marie,- she lectured herself, and was startled to hear that she was starting to sound like her mother.

He was entirely on the wrong side of things for this, Logan thought. He /was/ the person people were coming to for those defense lessons Jamie'd mentioned not wanting. On the other hand... He touched her arm. "You're helpin' a lot of kids now, just by bein' here and bein' their teacher." /And maybe things'll change an' you'll get your chance back, sometime./

"I wouldn't mind so much if it felt like my choice," Marie said. "I feel like such a child about it, too." She turned to look at him. "There's so much I'm not sorry for. How come it still hurts?"

"'Cause you wanted it so bad and it seems like y'can't have it," he said bluntly. He remembered how excited she'd been by Manhattanville.

"I'm just tired of losing things. I'm weak or something, you'd think it'd get easier..." Her voice trailed off and she lost focus on him, thinking before she spoke again.

"I get scared that I've lost faith, and that's the worst of all. I don't dare go looking for it, either, because I don't think I could take losing it again. This is it for me," she said dully. "I'm going to teach at this school and get good at killing people and wear the uniform and hold the world back as much as I can so that other people don't end up losing too. And it's not that I'm not going to have happiness, it's not that at all, it's just that... I'm eighteen and I feel like I'm out of options. Don't tell me I'm not, either. I don't want to hear that right now. I don't have what it takes to hear it."

His mouth opened, then closed. He touched her arm again, leaning in close to press a kiss to her hairline. "We do what's gotta be done, that's all." There really wasn't anything else he could say.

Marie reached out and snapped her laptop shut and put it on the floor, resisting the urge to let it fall - or better, throw it - to alleviate her frustration. "I know. I'll manage." She turned back to him, reaching out to brush her fingers over his cheek. "It's not that I think I won't have happiness, or even that I don't have it now. You know that, right?" She searched his face intently, hoping he understood.

Logan nodded. He did understand that she was happy with him, but he also knew she'd be happier if she could at least pretend to be normal for a while.

Marie pushed his notes out of his hand and lap, took away his pen and dropped it, wordlessly demanding his complete attention, eyes fixed on him.

The papers and pen fell away; he didn't even blink. He reached out and slid his bare hand against hers, palms rubbing together for just a few seconds, enough to feel his callouses grating over her soft skin.

Logan's palm against hers drew her attention from his eyes to their hands and she watched the caress before looking back up at him again. "I'm not sorry," she whispered. "I'm sad but I'm not sorry." -I don't make any sense...-

His hand dropped away from hers, down to rest on her leg, and he nodded. "It's okay."

Marie bit her lip, afraid she'd hurt him, and taking his hand in hers she kissed the palm of it, soft and open.

His eyes slid closed, but he opened them again to meet her eyes. He wasn't hurt so much as helpless. There was nothing he could do to fix this for her and it made him feel awful.

"You make me happy," she said, reading the tension in his face. "You give me back pieces of my life I threw away years ago... pieces of me I buried."

She moved to straddle his hips, hands planted on his chest, so she could look him straight in the eye. "I couldn't do this without you, wouldn't have survived this long. Look." She pulled off the long-sleeved green cardigan she wore to show him her unmarked skin. "You give /me/ back to me, don't you know that? They can take away my choices but you... you make being me bearable. You even make me happy to be me. Don't you know how incredible that is?"

His gaze raked her arm, bare of scars, and he found his center, his balance again. "We're two of a kind, aren't we?" he asked, just a trace of cynicism edging into his amused tone.

"We are?" she gave him a puzzled look, frowning a little. The cool air in the room raised a hint of chill on her exposed skin.

"How much d'you hate your mutation?" he asked her. "How much d'you /hate/ what it does t'you and to the people y'touch?" Something about the way he was asking the questions suggested he wasn't actually looking for an answer.

Marie looked down at herself and touched the stark, white insides of her wrists, ran her hands up her arms, hugging herself a little. "You know how much," she said quietly, acknowledging his unspoken parallel.

Logan nodded, reaching out to pull her in. He wrapped his arms around her. "We're gonna be just fine, you'n me." That he believed what he said was proof of how much of an effect she'd had on him in the past year.

She nestled against his chest and listened to the sound of his heart, eyes closed. Solid and safe, he soothed her and the knot inside her unwound a turn or two. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too." He held her for a while, listening to her breath, listening to her heartbeat. "Y'gonna be okay for your trip t'morrow?"

"Yeah, I'll be good," Marie said quietly. "I'm a little nervous, but I can't stop living just because something's hanging over my head, you know."

He thought about the way she threw herself into life, so fearless, always. "I know. ...Y'need to rest, or d'you wanna stay up for a bit?" He didn't want to keep her awake talking -- or not-talking -- if she needed to rest before the trip.

"Car's picking us up at five and then Jake's doing the driving back. I'll have time to sleep," she replied.

"Good." It was the last thing he said before pulling her toward him and kissing her.