xp_logs | Kevin & Jay | Saturday morning

Negotiating new and complicated circumstances.

It'd been a few days since the unexpected complications had arisen. They weren't bad complications exactly, at least they weren't yet. The key was for them to not become bad complications as they once had. Kevin hadn't gone out of his way to avoid Jay, but he hadn't sought him out either. He needed time to think and Kevin recognized a lot of things he was blind to before they'd broken up. One of those things was that he really didn't think straight most of the time when he was around Jay, which was likely fairly accurately witnessed by the fact that he almost always ended up kissing Jay when they were fighting. He had to figure out, independent of the other guy, what he thought this thing between them should be and what he wanted it to be and how to reconcile what he wanted with what he thought they both likely needed. When he was sure his head was on straight and he'd managed to think it through to a point where he actually had some semblance of an idea of how to approach the situation he finally did seek out Jay. Kevin knocked on the door to the suite he'd shared with Jay until very recently hoping both that Jay was already awake and that he was actually there. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have where other ears could listen in.

Jay had taken the time to give Kevin that space he needed because frankly, he needed it himself. For once. He never thought he would need that time. He also hadn't thought they would get back together. He had been content without Kevin. Not happy, but together in his emotions and the kiss had set off some very unpleasant things when Kevin wasn't around. Jay found the absence settled into him an insecurity he didn't like and when he had the free time, he turned to his music for comfort. The muse hadn't died which was comforting, but he was worried that it would if things progressed the way they originally had the first time they were together. Just like his original impulse in the beginning of the relationship was to crowd Kevin, now, he felt the need to give him the space. That Kevin would come to him on his own terms. He didn't have it all figured out when the knock at the door disrupted him from the music sheets on the coffee table. His guitar sat nearby but not forgotten as he got up and headed to the door. It was still early and Jay would have been in very little clothing if daylight didn't warrant the need to cover up as the mansion stirred awake. Barefoot and topless, Jay scratched his stomach as he opened the door to a very welcoming sight. "Hey Kev--" Yeah, he was never going to call him by his full name.

Truth be told, Kevin didn't care that much that Jay was syllable challenged where his name was concerned. It was one of those things he'd prefer but wasn't bothered enough to actually care to try to change. Not to mention how stubborn Jay was by nature. If it was anyone else he might have corrected them, but it was Jay so he let it go. Jay, he'd decided long ago, was allowed even though Kevin had brought it up that once in a fit of annoyance mid-argument. "Hey. Ya got time? Ah wanted to talk to you. All serious but not fightin' kinda talk. But Ah can come back later if ya want. Or whenever." Options, see, that was a start, right? Give the guy options, it was better that was. At least he was pretty sure it was.

"Yeah, Ah got time," he smiled and stood back, letting Kevin inside. "You wanna coffee or somethin'?" he asked. Something meant really nothing, unless he wanted yogurt. Music sheets spread over most of the table with a pencil and a hell of a lot of eraser bits. A coffee sat over top of it all, cold and untouched and Jay plucked it off the table to go make a fresh pot. More space, that's what he was trying for, which was why he didn't drape himself all over Kevin once he was in the door. The 'serious' talk worried him, but he'd take it in stride, or try to, depending on what it was. There didn't seem to be any gloom to Kevin's posture and he recognized that maybe it wasn't a bad talk. The pair of them was so tired of fighting all the time. "Make yourself at home," because it technically was his home to begin with. He moved out, an act Jay didn't exactly condemn. "Ah hadn't cleaned since you been gone. Not havin' a roommate kind of takes off the pressure of havin' to pick up after yourself." It wasn't messy, but it wasn't clean either. It was a bachelor pad, as far as he was concerned. Looking over his shoulder, he brushed a wing back to be able to glimpse Kevin and if he sat down or not. "Hey, did you get a letter from Red Cross too?" he asked as an afterthought.

"Nah, Ah'm fine." Jay being all host-like was kind of off-putting. He'd never experienced it and it just made him feel awkward now. Kevin trailed over to the couch and folded himself into one corner of it. Old habits dying hard, he practically curled himself into a small, taking up as little space as possible. That was a habit borne out of the addiction and he thought maybe the slight awkwardness he was getting from Jay wasn't helping. He'd relax eventually. Or so he hoped. "Yeah, Ah got that letter. Ah think everyone got it." He paused, then asked, "Are you tryin' to distract me from why Ah came here or you always do this when someone says they wanna talk to you?"

Jay asked for the sake of being a good host to his boyfriend...or whatever he was and turned around because he could see Kevin's discomfort right away. "Ah'm like that with everyone. Thought you'd know that by now." He grinned. "Ah'm just seein' if yer wantin' to drink somethin'. You like distraction so Ah thought I'd give you one that you're comfortable with." He shrugged and abandoned the coffee maker as it brewed and walked around to the couch, sitting down. He leaned back, draping his arm across the back of the couch, half facing Kevin with his leg up on the couch. "So's you wanna talk about us, Ah reckon, yeah?"

"Ah don't exactly hang out with you and other people," he pointed out. Kevin let the fact that he couldn't really stand any of Jay's friends for the most part remain silent. He nodded slowly, as if he had to think about the fact that the issue of them was exactly why he was there. "Yeah. Ah dunno how much sense it's gonna make outside my head, though. Stuff never really seems to make sense outside my head to other people. So, yeah, might ramble incoherently so ah 'pologize ahead of time fer that." Hopefully since neither of them were obviously feeling antagonistic it wouldn't so bad if he made no sense.

"So, Ah've been...well, not avoidin' ya but kinda staying away on purpose. That sounds like avoidin', huh? Ah just needed to think and Ah kinda historically don't really think clearest 'round you. Rational just sorta stops existin'. Ah'm not sure what this is that Ah kinda accidentally started between us." Could you really call it accidental when he knew he was going to kiss Jay? Well, he hadn't premeditated it. Kevin stared down at his hand with the splint on it to keep his thoughts focused. "Ah want you, Ah know that. Ah always do so no real surprise there, right? But Ah don't wanna pull repeat performance 'cause Ah don't want you to end up miserable or me end up all frustrated and Ah don't want ya to lose your music. Ah mean, Ah know you're good enough to write all the time but Ah don't think you know that yet and until that clicks Ah don't wanna be what gets in the way of it. 'Cause Ah know if it was a matter of anyone in the world or my art Ah'd pick my art. But Ah don't hafta choose 'cause it's not mood dependent. And Ah think that's 'cause Ah don't talk to people, kinda ever if Ah can help it, so Ah've got something to say, a point to make and art's how Ah do it. So it's never that kinda ultimatum for me and Ah don't wanna be what makes you lose music 'cause, well, Ah'd resent me, too." This was sounding like one of those things that ended with how they were better off apart and that wasn't his point. That was actually really far from his point.

"We used to work together and then we kinda...stopped workin'. We were really happy. And Ah think we were good for each other. You were good for me. Ah know that. You helped me with stuff you've got no idea you helped with just 'cause you were you and you were 'round. So Ah know it's possible. It can work, right? So Ah tried to figure out how we could maybe figure that out." Kevin stopped to take in a deep breath. Right, track, coherence. He needed to be coherent. "A lotta problems happened because of other people. 'Cause they all got opinions but none of them get it. They don't understand us and Ah don't think they can. Ah know we're complicated but it's more than that. We're...we're all heart and not head, which explains the not thinkin' right 'round ya thing. It's like...like how professors talk about art and music who can't create fer themselves. Ya miss something and other people miss a lot 'bout us. Stuff that's important. Ya know, like how even if we drive each other nuts sometimes most of the time we're not fightin', we're just us. Or used to be anyway. And then there was jealousy and me being stupid and so Ah figure we shouldn't be in a relationship with each other. But Ah wanna be with you. But...just be. No labels or rules or any of that that you get with relationships. Just...us. But Ah don't want no one else to know. 'Cause then opinions come and it all sorta goes to hell. We don't really always get each other 'cause you're tryin' to play a drawing and Ah'm tryin' to draw a song when we talk kinda and adding in another person it's like an academic describing a painting translated into a song and what sorta sense does that make. Am Ah making any sense? 'Cause it makes sense but the words are...wrong. And Ah'm not sure how to make them not wrong."

Jay got it for the most part but the last bit was as confusing as hell and he tapped his hand on the couch before nodding. "Alright. Ah get it - sorta. Ah get it in all the ways you're meanin'. It's like Kevin-lingo, listenin' to you talk. And Ah bet ya ain't able to explain it to anyone else and make sense, so lemme just sorta put it together to be sure we're on the same wave length - It's called a wave length right? Ah can't remember - Anyways, so you're sayin' we work but we don't around other people, yeah? Yeah Ah got that. The other part, er, we're talkin' different languages and we need to talk... uh, the same language yeah? Cause Ah know Ah ain't perfect, and Ah jump to a lot of conclusions. Ah also listen to a lots of things Ah shouldn't from other people. So Ah reckon, if Ah just tell ya when Ah ain't feelin' all that great about somethin' we can solve it yeah?" He sort of got it. Sort of not. He was sure he was missing some details.

"And Ah think... Ah think you're right about us. We gotta lot of stuff goin' on that's good but Ah reckon with all these restrictions with tha relationship--" he faltered at that, pausing and sorting what he was saying out. "Ah just... Ah ain't good in a relationship Kev. Nobody makes me happy like ya do, but no one can make me more miserable than to know you're leavin' me out sometimes. Yanno? Mah friends do that already. Don't want it from mah boyfriend too. Ah mean, if you're mah boyfriend at all." He sighed and tucked his hands under his arm pits. "Ah dunno. Like Ah said, relationships don't work for me. Ah need sex to feel loved and if Ah don't get it, Ah dunno. Ah get all uptight and shit. Yanno?" God, this was sounding very horrible from his mouth. "Okay," Jay got up and started to pace. "Ah always get all upset cause yer likin' girls, but Ah mean, if we ain't inna relationship, than ya can do what you're wantin' to, right? And Ah can too?" This was awkward and he reddened at the fact that he was suggesting it at all. "Yanno what Ah'm talkin' about right? But Ah don't like not knowin' what you're doin'. If you haven't learned, Ah hate being the last to know everythin'." And boy did he hate it.

"Ah don't just not tell ya stuff on purpose. Ah just," his voice faded out to nothing and Kevin shrugged. "Ah don't think 'bout it." It was definitely where he'd fallen down a lot and focusing on that helped to not turn as red as Jay was right now. He'd always assumed sex, or rather the lack of it, was a big problem. He wasn't sure how he felt about having that confirmed for him suddenly. It could've been worse, though, right? At least that was something he'd give if he could and, well, now it wasn't a can't or a too dangerous sort of situation. He took a deep breath before speaking and purposely spoke very slowly, choosing his words carefully. "Yeah. If it ain't a relationship then you can do whatever ya want and so can Ah." Though, Kevin: King of Anti-Social wasn't likely to take much advantage of it, but that was his choice and the fact that he could choose to take advantage of it was enough, right? "So if we just tell each other what we're doin'," in his mind he added who to that statement, "then we'll be fine? Ah mean, no weird jealousy allowed from either of us or anythin'? Just be up front so we know what's goin' on, right? And you're gonna be okay with that, right?" Kevin was pretty sure he could be okay with whatever Jay was doing as long as he knew. He wanted to be sure Jay would be okay with this, though, because the girl thing had been a big problem for Jay before and Kevin didn't want it to still be a problem even if they weren't in a relationship, especially since he wasn't even after any girls before!

"Ah know." He knew Kevin didn't remember to tell him things, didn't mean to leave him out but he did and it drove Jay mad. "Ah don't think Ah'm gonna have a problem as long as Ah know what's goin' on and stuff. Ah just hate not knowin'." Jay sat down next to Kevin and placed a hand on his knee. "Yanno, now that we're talkin' about it, Ah never thought about any of this. Ah just uh, never uh, thought to talk about it. Never thought it was a problem till now." He removed his hand and cupped one over the other. It was a big problem for Jay. He hated being left out all the time. "It's just, Terry's with Bobby and she goes off all the time. Jennie, Marius and Monet are doin' their own thing, so's Forge and Kyle too. They all got secrets they gotta keep, even from me. Ah guess Ah just didn't want another person to add to that list cause it keeps on growin'." Admitting this was hard, harder now than ever because he felt left behind, stuck in the mansion, trying to move forward like everyone else. "You'd think Ah'd be fine cause Ah'm round people all the time, but Ah'll tell you somethin' Kev. The bar scene's lonely as hell."

"Well, it's not like Ah go and tell other people but not you usually. Ah just don't tell anyone unless Ah've gotta." Kevin shrugged. It wasn't an excuse and he wasn't even trying to use it as one. It was a poor reason for not telling Jay thing, but it was also the truth. If Kevin was left up to his own devices it is very possible people would think he was a mute. He'd just never speak at all. Maybe that was unhealthy, but he liked to live in his own head. "'Sides, Ah don't really have secrets. Any Ah had everyone else has told ya and those're all recent anyway." Kevin reached over and took one of Jay's hands with his left hand, the good one. He entwined their fingers, more a symbol that Jay wasn't alone than anything else. "Why's it lonely?"

He looked down at the gesture, his bangs falling over his eyes, shielding his acceptance. "Cause everyone's wantin' a piece of ass but no one wants to love you." He bounced their hands off his knee but stopped and squeezed his over Kevin's. "Ah've come from a big family. Ah like to come home to people who say they care and mean it. If Ah didn't come home one day, Ah reckon it'd take 'em a few days to notice if not for Forge's freaky obsessions with security. Sometimes Ah think he's gonna OD on obsessive compulsive disorder." He flattened their linked hands and rubbed Kevin's hand between his. "Ah ain't sayin' you're old reliable. But yanno what Ah mean. Ah wanna be apart of you without the hitches. We're too young to be old ball and chain. But we ain't so young that we gotta bolt when ya start makin' me breakfast in bed. Yeah?"

"Too old for ya to be my wifey but old enough for me to play your wifey?" Kevin was grinning just a little, a bit amused. "But seriously, Ah can't imagine comin' home to a bunch of people. It was just me and dad for a long time. Before that it was just us and mom. Probably a real quiet house compared to yours." What was left of his smiled faltered and fell. "Least you can still go back to it. It's still there for ya when ya need it. Ah don't even actually know what happened to my house after Ah ran outta it." It was weird to talk about home. He never did it because the ghosts could be hard to silence once he brought them up and Kevin was sure he'd wake screaming from his sleep tonight because of this.

"You always were a better cook," he grinned back, leaning forward to butt heads. It was simple things like that which made him happy. It made them both happy, as he could see and brought Kevin's hand to his lips. "Ah know Ah ain't family, but Ah reckon yer as close to me as family ever was. Mah family's close but it ain't that close." He never admitted to that but he supposed that today was coming out for truths. "Whatever we are, we're still together regardless of who we're screwin' - which by the way, no barebackin' if you're swingin' towards other men. Or even women. Ah know--" he lifted his fingers, pressing them to Kevin's lips. "Don't." Replacing his fingers with a kiss, not wanting a lecture on Kevin knowing all about safe sex. He wondered if anyone had ever talked to Kevin about that.

"Yeah, and you'd probably manage to blow up the kitchen or somethin' if we let ya loose in it for too long." His smile was lopsided, the right pulling up further than the left side, but it looked genuine and happy. "Mine was close. Real close. Dunno how families ain't close. Not a judgment or nothin', just...ain't what Ah've known, y'know?" Kevin gave Jay a light kiss. It was just a kiss for the sake of a kiss, not leading up or making up for anything. He liked the idea of being able to do that without having to think about positioning or safety at the moment. "Ah promise, Ah won't be stupid if Ah'm sleepin' with someone." Given he'd long been resolved of the fact he'd never sleep with anyone Kevin didn't see that he'd jump in and sleep around. What would be the point of having a bunch of meaningless just because he could?

"Hey, Ah ain't that bad. Ah can make toast without burnin' it. Instant oatmeal too if you give me an electric kettle--" he laughed and started to climb up on top of Kevin to sit in his lap. "Me and mah family fight a whole lot. Don't mean we don't love each other but Ah reckon Ah can't get along with 'em for very long before gettin' some sorta lecture or whatever." Being half undressed already had its advantages, didn't it? His fingers tentatively toyed with the bottom of Kevin's shirt and slipped underneath, grazing where he should have found love handles but didn't. The pads of his fingers brushed lightly over the skin, not quite hard enough to do anything but tickle forcing a discomforting squirm. "So's what we call ourselves? Partners in crime?" He leaned down, mocking a kiss but turned his head away and pulled back as another thought hit him. "Ah got another rule, just one and it's an important one." His wings pulled back and they dropped away from the awkward position they were in on the couch. He readjusted them and waited until he had Kevin's full interest before brushing his thumb across Kevin's lower lip. "Your lips are mine. No one else's, so no kissin' and the same will go for me. That's fair?"

"Toast and instant oatmeal, huh? Culinary miracle, you are." Kevin was shaking his head and trying to make a tsking sound but it fell victim to laughter. His arms adjusted as Jay took up residence in his lap, looping around Jay's waist lightly. "Ah'm sure they're just worried and stuff. People don't take the time to lecture or argue unless it matters. 'Less the person matters. Y'know?" His skin sort of tingled everywhere Jay's hands, unused to being touched by anything other than cloth and his own hands. The standard three to four layers he wore dulled the sensation when Jay touched him through his shirts. The contrast between the two was a little staggering. Kevin was also faintly bitter when he squirmed due to latent ticklishness. "Why we gotta have a title? Why can't we just be?" Kevin's hands had locked together behind Jay's back but they fell instantly at Jay's new rule. "No." The word was quiet and as gentle as he could make it, but it was firmly unmoving. "That ain't fair Jay. Ah dunno if there'll be anyone Ah wanna do anything with, but if there is...just because Ah can touch right now don't mean Ah'm jumpin' in bed with anyone. You got all your life to have meaningful sex and so does everyone else. Ah've got four months. Everyone else can have as much meaningless sex as they want. It don't matter, they always got later to have something that matters. Ah don't. And Ah don't intend to go and do something that won't matter at the end of the day. Sayin' Ah can't kiss someone? It's kinda like sayin' all Ah can do is hold their hand. How, exactly's, that fair?"

Jay pulled his hands from Kevin and placed them on his hips. He looked down, letting his head hang and sighed. He wasn't going to fight about this. He really wasn't. He could see what he was asking for was too much but he wanted to ask, had to ask because it meant that much for him, but it meant much more to compromise. "Okay, Ah know what Ah was askin' ain't fair. So Ah won't ask again. And we don't gotta be anythin' that ya don't want us to be." He looked up and reaffirmed that he meant what he said. The corner of his mouth tugged up and he rolled his shoulder, letting his head hang again, shaking it in disbelief at himself. "Ah ain't your bitch, but Ah'd do anythin' for you, if that's makin' any sense at all. Ah think givin' up that right to your lips says just that."

Kevin sighed. "Jay, Ah'd do a lot for you. Ya should know that. But what Ah'd give up ain't the same as what you'd be givin' up. And if we're not together like that then it's unfair all around. This ain't meaningless at all, and Ah know you know that, but it ain't a relationship. We're free. No constraints, right? Just gotta tell each other what we get up to. Minute we start puttin' them kinda rules in place? It becomes a relationship or close enough to one and we'll just end up right back where we were all over again." He hoped Jay could understand that. Half measures would get them into complicated areas. They were in a relationship or they weren't but they couldn't play games with rules and stuff.

"Don't be lecturin'. Nothin' kills a good relationship than that." He mocked a smile, brushing his hand through his hair, only to have his bangs fall back in his eyes. "Yanno," Jay started, standing up on the couch and stepping over Kevin, heading towards his room. "Ah got this real quirk about men in mah room and not bein' dressed properly." He closed the door half way and went to his closet before returning toting a tie. "Tis' a new quirk, so's ya wouldn't know 'bout it." He walked back up onto the couch and resettled himself back on Kevin's lap. Looping it around Kevin's neck, he pulled it towards him. "Ah think a tie on a man's hot, distinguished and you're needin' a little distraction from what we're talkin' about cause Ah feel like we're on the same page."

"Good thing we ain't got one to kill," he quipped. The sarcasm transitioned into his smile seamlessly. "'Properly'?" Why did he get the feeling this was not going to be good? Kevin watched Jay disappear and crawled to the end of the couch closest to the door so he could try to see what he was getting on about. When Jay emerged Kevin sat down normally again but his eyebrows raised to ask the question his lips didn't. Why did he need a tie? It wasn't long before it was around his neck and being used as a leash. Well, that answered that. Kevin's hands slid up Jay's thighs to his hips and pulled him closer. "Probably be hotter if Ah was wearin' a shirt with a collar and not tee shirts," Kevin laughed. "Mm, but distractions are good. Ah could endorse distractions."

"Or hotter if you weren't wearin' a shirt," Jay said and grabbed the hem of Kevin's shirt, fighting to pull it over his head. "Men in ties without shirts are so much hotter. Especially your heterosexual covered up self. Not that Ah don't like a little layers on a man. Peelin' 'em off is pretty fun, till you get to the juicy center. Sounds more like a donut than some piece of fruit, don't it?" He kissed Kevin's neck, trailing down his chest, tasting him every step of the way to a trail beneath his jeans. "Ah reckon Ah have a favour to repay. And Ah don't mind you collectin' at all."

Kevin assumed he was going to have to get used to being stripped most of the time he was in Jay's presence. It wasn't like he minded, either. Jay was very much not a clothing-friendly kind of person and Kevin heavily suspected the guy would wander around naked whenever it was warm enough to do so if he could have gotten away with it. He helped Jay, pulling the layers off more easily than Jay could. "Ya make it sound like Ah'm a tootsie roll pop." His words ended there, though, immediately becoming distracted by lips traveling over his skin. "Uh, yeah, ah reckon ya do owe me a favor," he muttered softly. He couldn't quite concentrate enough to speak louder because the thought of that favor to be repaid immediately derailed his train of thought.

If Jay could dump all his clothing all the time, life would be much easier by his standards. Clothing was a hindrance on his wings, his back and the hips that his tattered jeans hung off of. Everyone always worried about how they were dressed, what they were wearing, what they weren't wearing or why what they were wearing looked better on someone else. But he wasn't concerned about his clothing now and let out a low whistle as he freed Kevin from his restraints. "Someone wants to come out and play," he grinned. "You was holdin' out on me, Kev. Who knew you had a monster in your pants."