Yvette and Jay - backdated to Saturday afternoon

[x-penance.livejournal.com]

In the happy place after this log, Jay tries to have a philosophical discussion with Yvette, only to find that she's prickly in more than just looks at the moment.



"You believe in God?" Jay asked from higher up, lounging on a branch that supported his weight. A piece of grass hung from his lips and he toyed with the end piece with his tongue, chewing on a bit before turning his head to spit it out. He stared up through the filtered light, up into the clouds and imagined himself floating along lazily with them. Along with his dad. "Sometimes Ah don't know what Ah believe in anymore. Keepin' the faith is harder than it looks."

Sitting in the doorway of the treehouse, her legs dangling down as she munched an apple and read, Yvette glanced up at the reclining winged boy. "I... do not know," she admitted. "My family, they are Muslim, but my mother and I... are not." Eva's experiences in the war had led her to lose faith and Yvette, child of her shame, had never had any to begin with. "My mother, she is teaching me to believe in her, in taking care of the people close to me." She paused and then went on. "I think, sometimes, you are not believing in yourself enough, Jay. You need the other people too much and it is making you be too, how you say? Making to hold on too tight?"

He was quiet for a time, up above her, rolling through thought after thought, especially about a religion she didn't believe in. What would it be like to die, to not wake up from the dead? He'd be nothing and since reincarnation didn't happen, what then? How did she feel about being resurrected if she could be? He was about to ask when her comment distracted him and he linked his fingers together, placing them over his lean stomach. "Maybe...." he started, tapping his thumbs. "Maybe Ah'm afraid to lose 'em. You've said somethin' like that before."

"Because I could be seeing it." Her feet stopped swinging, her hair spiking slightly behind her. "I am afraid," she said at last. "For Kevin."

He felt something change in his chest and his thoughts shifted over to Kevin, to someone he loved but couldn't maintain a stable relationship with. "For Kevin? Ah don't know what you mean."

"He needs someone to be strong, for him," Yvette said, reluctantly - she didn't want to give away Kevin's secrets, but she had told the truth - she was afraid for him. And for Jay. "He is... he cannot be strong, for himself right now. And I am afraid that you will be needing him too much." Her voice was growing softer as she went on, almost ashamed of what she was saying. What right did she have to meddle? Maybe they would think she was jealous of them, not being able to have even what they had. "If you are caring for him, I think, you need to be believing in you more. He cannot be trusting himself right now, so he must be trusting you."

Unlinking his fingers, he pulled the piece of grass from his mouth and fiddled with the end of it, twisting around his finger repeatedly, listening. Despite what she knew, this conversation alone told him what he already knew. He couldn't tell anyone about them. They'd only have opinions and influence both of them. He went silent again, content to feel the soft breeze caress his wings that hung on either side of the branch. "Yanno, even when Ah'm not talkin' about Kevin, people still bring him up to me. Why's that?"

"Because... you were asking, about faith. About believing. You believe in Kevin, more than you believe in anything else." Yvette nibbled at her apple, wishing she hadn't said anything now. Obviously she was poking her nose in too much.

"Love does that. Gives you hope and dreams. Makes you want more and nothing at the same time." He reached up and pulled off a leaf, tossing his piece of grass aside. Between his fingers, he twirled the leaf, watching it intently. "Maybe love is the best kinda faith Ah can have. Blind love for someone Ah can't touch," even though he could. "And wantin' the impossible, hopin' for a miracle. Hmm. Those would make some good lyrics - that last part, don'tcha think?"

She chuckled a little despite herself - that was Jay, self-absorbed. "Perhaps," she replied. "And perhaps I am just the silly girl, who does not know love." Perhaps never would - even Kevin wasn't as untouchable as she.

"You would if you let yourself." Even Kevin did. "Someday, some guy's, or girl's, gonna sweep you off your feet. Then what you gonna do? Still call yourself a silly girl who doesn't know love. Three quarters of New York don't know love cause they ain't concerned about anyone but themselves."

"Kevin can make the kiss. I cannot. There is nothing I can touch without hurting and no-one who wants to make the risk." The words came out short and a little bitter. "And perhaps this is thinking only of myself, but you do not think so much of anyone else either, Jay. When Kevin is asking you to stay away, you cannot do this for him. You are making him feel he has to be leaving here, to get the space. Is this thinking of him?" Something in Jay's words had stung, and her reply was much sharper than most were used to from the soft-spoken Yvette.

"Ah know what you think," he said, uneffected by her tone even though he heard the offense clearly. Jay sat up, straddling the branch and adjusted his wings for comfort. "You're wrong. Ah think about people all the time. Kevin most of all. You think he really wants space, but what Ah think is that he's really alone and thinkin' no one cares about him. He's frustrated, not about me but about everythin' and that's why he's wantin' to leave. Ah reckon he might blame me for alotta shit, but when it comes down to it, Kev knows that Ah love 'im. And Ah'll be there for him when he feels no one else is."

"Only Kevin can know what he is thinking," came the slightly huffy reply - Yvette resented the implicated she wasn't there for Kevin. Especially when she had been, in her own quiet way. Kevin was one of the few people she could properly relax around, since he had the same rules she did about contact. "Unless you are the telepath now, Jay?"

Jay looked down at her and brushed a hand through his hair. "Why you on about this? You're gettin' offended and Ah havn't said anythin' that should be offendin' you."

"I am Kevin's friend. More, we are the kinfolk, as he is saying. We understand very much the other." She shot a glare at him, eyes blazing brightly. "You are not the only person who is there for him, Jay. You are saying the love is not selfish, but I am seeing that it is making you more so, thinking you are the only person that is mattering to him."

"Ah wasn't sayin' that you wouldn't be there. Ah was talkin' about unconditional love. Are you in love with Kev? Cause that's what Ah'm talkin' about. Love when he's gonna need it the most. When he's pushin' everyone away, Ah'm still gonna be there regardless. He can push me all he wants, but Ah ain't goin' anywhere and he knows this. Yeah, you understand him, but when he needs space and tells ya, you're gonna respect it because you understand it." He shook his head, a smile breaking through the tension. "This ain't makin' sense and Ah don't know how to explain it right." He sighed and held up his hand, gesturing to her. "Not everyone wants space when they say they need it. That's the best way Ah can put it."

"And sometimes we do want the space when we say we are needing it. Sometimes it is the only way we can be sure we will not hurt anyone." Yvette shook her head. "I cannot tell you Kevin's secrets, but there will be the times he needs you to go away, Jay. If you do not, bad things could happen. This is why I am saying before I am afraid for him."

He knew what she was talking about and arguing with her any further was pointless. He stared down at her and finally gave in, shrugging. "Maybe you're right. But Ah ain't being selfish here. "

"I am not being selfish either." Yvette looked down at the ground again, swinging her feet slightly and grimacing a little at her elongated toes. She hated her feet. "Are you joining the Red X program?" she asked instead, changing the subject.

He opened his mouth to respond but snapped it shut as though he thought better of what he was going to say. She wasn't as old as him and he had to remember that she was not Kevin. He could offend her easier and she would not take anything he said lightly. The change of subject was like a lifesaver in a vast ocean and he took it without another thought. "Yeah, Ah put my letter in. So we'll see what happens now. Don't know how good of a field leader Ah'd be. What about you? You're gonna apply when you come of age?"

"Yes." The response came without hesitation. "It is the thing that I have been wanting to do since there was the first Red X mission. This is what I want to be doing with my life."

"Not me but it'll be a good way to give somethin' back to the community." Even though the community did nothing for him. "You gonna be more than a field leader? Maybe someone who does somethin' higher up? Personally, Ah like to be helpin' folks."

"Perhaps. There is only the so much I can be doing with my powers, and they are not all that I am being. I am having the brain, also." Although not everyone gave her credit for that. "It is the way to be helping people, even when I cannot do the thing in person."

"Well Ah meant runnin' it or somethin'. You could do that, workin' as a leader. Ya handle people really well." At least she did when she wasn't being her moody self.

"That is what I was meaning too, Jay. That I could be going past the field leader, when I am old enough and have the schooling." She shrugged. "I think I am not so good with the people as I used to be. There are many things I do not understand." Jay, for one.

"Well, what's not to understand huh?" He wasn't sure he got what she meant that she didn't understand things. There was a lot he didn't understand all the time. "Ah don't always get it but Ah try. An it don't mean that Ah won't be tryin' to be a field leader. Ah might fail at it, but at least Ah tried and give 'em mah best."

"Things are not the same here as they are at my home." Or even the same as they had been a few months ago - there was a strange urgency to a lot of her life, a certain impatience. She couldn't explain it at all, except that she was more easily frustrated with the limitations of her life and her powers. "But this is not to say I will not try. It is also a long time away - I am only nearly sixteen." She looked down at her apple and saw it had turned brown and sighed. It was a waste of a good snack. Setting it down, she peeled off one glove before shredding the leftover fruit into smaller fragments that she scattered for the birds on the lawn below.

"Yanno, you're really moody lately. No offense. Maybe you should go see Jean or someone. You arn't feelin' sick or nothin' huh?" he asked. He wasn't sure if this was normal but with the way everything was going lately with everyone, Jay felt that maybe she too got sucked into some mentally damaging something-or-other that effected her normally pleasant patience.

She glanced up at him, mouth dropping open. Had he just...? "I am quite well, thank you," she replied almost primly, as she replaced the glove and set about putting her book into her book bag and preparing to climb back down the ladder. "And I am not the only person who is moody in this tree." And with that, she climbed back down and was gone, melting into the shadows of the surrounding trees.

Jay watched her abruptly leave in astonishment and snorted at her retreating figure. ``Huh.`` He chuckled to himself and shook his head. Laying back down, he stared back up at the clouds and couldn't imagine why anyone would call him a girl when he didn't ever act like that. Thank god he wasn't a woman. He wasn't sure he would be able to handle it.