Jay & Shiro at Harry's

[x-icarus.livejournal.com]

Jay watches Shiro at Harry's and eventually works up the courage to make ammends.

It was enough of a shock to see Shiro actually come to Harry's and order a drink. But it would have been too much to ask for him to actually join in on the festivities (if that's what it could even be called). He sat at the end of the bar, quietly nursing his second (third? fourth? eighth? he'd already lost count) drink, lost in his own head. A couple of people had come by to ask if he was okay, but they'd all quickly retreated after a terse reply and threats of violence. So when he received another visitor, he was sorely tempted to follow through on that threat.

Jay was as sober as sober could be. He wasn't in the mood to drink or celebrate, not after what he witnessed and instead he walked around, getting a feel for everyone's mood. From a distance, he watched Shiro, repeatedly trying to work up the courage to talk to him. The glass count was building and so were the people walking away after a brief exchange. He'd only caught the tail end of a dismissal before he walked over and replaced who left. Nodding off his head to the side, Jay touched the base of Shiro's glass and turned it to get a better look at what he was drinking. "Maybe this is the last one, huh?"

"I would assume you would be the last one to say that to me, after last time," Shiro spat back, suddenly tensing up. The slight slur to his words and thickened accent suggested, however, that Jay could be right. He grinned. "Remember what you did in the elevator? I would not have been so permissive had I not already drunk a few of these."

Jay's hand recoiled from the glass and his eyes dropped, reopening his hand and examined it. He expected the quip, but it didn't make the guilt any less. "Ah remember Ah did you a huge wrong," he said gently. It probably wasn't a good idea to talk about what they had and hadn't done, because there wasn't much that they hadn't explored.

"You did do something huge, certainly." A laugh came unbidden to Shiro at his own joke. "I do not know what 'wrong' to which you are referring. That night . . . morning . . . whatever was many things, but 'wrong' does not immediately come to mind."

He had to remind himself that he was talking to a drunk. "Shiro," Jay warned. "Ah'm talkin' about how trashed you were - how drunk you are now - Ah don't go preyin' on people who need liquior to climb in bed with me. Ah didn't realize you were so drunk that night." He felt himself edging on a white lie in his apology. He had known, but his broken heart needed to be mended at Kevin's dismissal of a birthday gift.

"I was under the impression that that is a normal, acceptable modus operandi for nightclubs. It is how normal people behave, ne?" After all, that had been what Shiro set out to prove to Alex that night. He finished his drink and ran a finger around the rim of the glass. "It just revealed that I am not normal."

"You're as normal as they come," Jay concluded. He turned around, leaning his wings against the bar, watching other people pass by. "Refusin' to admit you're gay, that you even liked what we had done and the fact that it took liquor to bring that out at all. That seems like some common practice of Xavier's. Doing the gay, but not being it."

"I am not." Still, the G word never passed Shiro's lips. "I have slept with two men," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper, although given the noise in the place no one would be able to hear him anyway. "And I have slept with two women, and I slept with Clarice more times than I slept with A . . . my other partner. That does not make me one way or the other."

Jay raised his brows and slid sideways, propping his elbow onto the bar and leaning his head against his palm, scrunching up his red hair. "So if a guy and a girl came up to you now, propositioned you, which one would you go with?" He really hadn't needed to know about Clarice. That was two guys that he'd slept with that she'd slept with.

"If two guys came up to you now and propositioned you, to whose bed would you go?" Shiro countered and shrugged. "I do not know. I do not take this sort of thing lightly."

"Both?" he joked, but his chuckle died on his lips. "Ah don't understand what you're so riled up about. Maybe you're still tryin' to figure out which one you like best?" Sounded very much like an identity crisis to him.

Shiro didn't reply immediately. "I am trying to figure out a lot of things about myself," he finally said, softly, looking away from Jay. "And that is simply one thing. Al . . . my previous partner made me feel extraordinary, so I suppose I wanted to see if another man could do the same to me. I do not think so. Don't misunderstand," he added hastily, looking up. "It was good and I liked it, but . . . it was not what I was expecting."

Jay wanted to laugh only because he was so insulted, misunderstanding or not. "Okay, Ah know this ain't about me, but what did you expect?" By now, he'd figured out that the partner was Alex. If it wasn't, he'd be really surprised. "What were you lookin' for that was so good? Ah know it wasn't love cause ya made sure of that in the morning." Shiro had been full of insults that day and Jay could only laugh it off because he didn't know what to say.

"I did not love him, either." Their relationship had been a dangerous obsession, really an addiction, and despite Alex's emotional assertions, Shiro never believed that there was much heart between them. "But every time we touched, I felt so . . good. Tranquil yet excited. After Kick, he was the only serenity that I could find. I suppose that is what I had been looking for."

Jay lowered his tone. "Instead of lookin' for somethin' exactly like it, try lookin' for something different maybe. You can find it in other people. But no one's the same, especially not if you're dwellin' on what you don't have and not what you do have."

"It is not that simple. And my therapist says that I should avoid relationships now, anyway. It is not good for my recovery." And Shiro had already done a bang-up job of listening to this advice. "Listen, Guthrie, you did help me find some solace that night. And it was good." Better in some ways than with Alex, since Jay seemed to know exactly what to do. "But we should leave it. There is nothing that would be beneficial to either of us." Unless Jay suddenly developed powers like Alex's, he thought wryly.

Jay was, as usual, taken back by Shiro's sudden rejection, and he found himself shaking his head. "Ah think-" he cleared his throat, running a hand through his red locks. "You're really quick to shoot me down when Ah wasn't askin', Yoshida." Jay bit the bottom of his lip and slid off the bar. He went to pat Shiro on the back, but found his hand just hovering awkwardly. "Ah only came here to make amends. Sorry things happened the way they did between us. Luck on that relationship thing."

Shiro reached out to grab Jay's wrist before he could walk away, and it was strong despite his inebriation. "Wait. I . . . I just need my own time and space to work through whatever psychosis I have. But that does not mean that . . . that we cannot be friends, ne?"

He stopped abruptly, his wing hitting the bar so he didn't stumble back. Jay didn't resist, the grip was too strong, but he dropped his eyes and he leaned in closer, despite the fact that Shiro was the only one that could hear. Hesitation cut through them and his chest pressed against Shiro's shoulder before he turned his face, lifting his eyes so they were cheek to cheek. He licked his lips, considering what he was going to say, and spoke, his hot breath kissing Shiro's ear. "Whatever happened doesn't mean Ah don't care."

"I know. I do not think you are the type of person who detaches himself easily from anything." Shiro let go of Jay's wrist and ordered another drink. "For what it's worth, I apologize for the way I acted, too. For offending you."

Jay leaned back against the bar and linked his fingers together, studying them. He might have not been one to detatch himself well but he still felt like everyone else could around him. "It's al right. Not like Ah don't say stupid things mahself." Try everytime he tries to explain something and it comes out wrong. He smiled briefly to himself, blowing out a sigh, until Johnny called out his name.

Shiro raised his glass to Jay and offered him a small smile. "Kanpai."