Remy and Jubilee log: Dark before the dawn

[x-jubilee.livejournal.com]

Jubilee comes across Remy enjoying the great outdoors, he has some news for her.




Jubilee noticed the small tip of glowing light before she noticed the man, and she figured that was mostly due to the fact that he hadn't really been hiding. It was the work of moments to launch herself up onto the veranda from the lawn below, her legs dangling over the rail as she watched the lights illuminate the mansion grounds beyond.

"Taking a break?" she asked, a brief twist of the lips showing that she knew she was moving into dreaded small talk territory but it was something to say, and she needed the practice anyhow.

"For de moment. Keeping de network running from here is a pain in de ass." Remy groused, leaning on the rails. They had taken over some space in the mansion, and gotten a lot of their access rerouted so they could continue their work while the city was closed off, but it was very much a jury rigged operation at this point. Still, no matter what had happened, they still had a job to do, and needed to keep up with it this best they could, even in the mansion.

"Least Doug's still able to work well enough to reroute us through most of Europe and Asia to stop them from picking up where we're coming from." Jubilee noted, pulling a leg up to lean her chin on. "Your friends seem to be taking huge delight in getting me to run through New York and dodge the authorities, one of them even said I was becoming quite adequate yesterday."

"High praise from Alexandre." Remy muttered, lighting a cigarette with the tip of his finger and blowing a smoke ring out over the grounds. He wasn't happy being at the mansion, despite the welcome time spent with Ororo. The issues between himself and Xavier loomed, and while they weren't specifically avoiding each other, the occasions in which either man had been in the same room together, even as part of a group, had been very few. "Manhattan right now is a new training ground. Dere's a lot of cities dat you going to be traveling to dat have de scars of wars and violence all around. Dose work to our advantage, if you know how to use dem."

"So they said." Jubilee noted, watching Remy closely. "How long are you going to be in country, Remy? You sticking around this time?"

"For a while. I took care of de CIA manhunt during de whole Apocalypse mess. Dat'll keep Langstrom off my back for a while." Remy leaned back, regarding her over the lit cigarette. "Which reminds me, Remy double booked you wit' Sofia for de next little while. We'll spread some of you duties out so you got time to see her."

Slightly raised eyebrows were the only reaction she gave, she'd been training to control most of her natural facial and bodily expressions for the last little while, sometimes she was even good at it. "You think it'll do any good?" she wondered out loud.

She didn't bother to ask him whether she needed it or not, she knew she did, she just hadn't been ready to make the move herself. She had no problem with that decision being taken out of her hands.

"Dat's entirely up to you." Remy shrugged. "In dis job, we wear masks of all different types, depending on what we have to do. You been wearing a mask off de job too. Trying to convince everyone dat you haven't changed, dat what happened to you in de East didn't make you any different from de Jubilee dat dey knew. Because you scared dey won't like de person dat you are afraid you might really be."

Remy took a drag from the cigarette, blowing another perfect smoke ring, as if they were idly talking about a film or a new restaurant. "Self delusion is one vice dat you can't have in dis job. It weakens you, makes cracks in who you are, and eventually, destroys you. Don't think dat Remy didn't see you hanging on by de fingertips during de fight wit' Apocalypse. You nearly lost control, and dat is dangerous to all of us."

"I was hoping you hadn't noticed. We should have killed him, you know." Jubilee noted, shoulders tensing as he mentioned that last battle. She hadn't really cared that X-men were around, after what the man had done, she'd lost control of the tight reins she usually held on the anger inside. "He's only going to be a problem down the track. He'll break out of containment, or someone will break him out. As to the rest, can you honestly tell me that anyone is going to prefer the complete mess I am? A little lie never hurt anyone."

"Yes, we should have killed Apocalypse, and if it hadn't been de X-Men dere, we would have. However, New York was dere show, not ours, and dat means we play by dere rules." Remy didn't bother to mention how shallowly many of the X-Men seemed to have taken those rules, or the joy he watched many of them take in physical revenge on the defeated man.

"As for you, dis has nothing to do wit' whatever other people might think of you. De more you try and hide things behind a mask, de more you going to start lying to youself to do it. Eventually, you going to start lying to everyone else too, and den you become a liability." Remy's voice was firm. "Sofia is dere to keep us from becoming a danger to ourselves, and to de rest of de group. If she says dat you should be kept out of de field, Wisdom, Betts and I aren't likely to disagree wit' her. I'd highly recommend taking dis seriously, and being honest wit' her."

Jubilee dropped all pretense and fished a packet of cigarettes out of her back pocket, flipping it open and then holding out a cigarette for a light. She could have done it herself, but why waste energy she'd have to eat to make up later? "Never said anything about not taking it seriously, Remy. I'll even go in hoping she can help me, just not sure whether it's going to work, is all. Had enough of hope and wishes to last me several lifetimes, but if she can manage to help me get functional, that'll be nice. Anyway, how about I change the topic in a completely obvious manner and ask how you're going? You and 'Ro seem to be enjoying yourselves."

"I'm not worried so much about you taking this seriously as I am about you being honest wit' her, petite. De difference between life and death is very thin in our world, and de last thing any of you need is something dat handicaps you chances." The Cajun said, returning to his view over the grounds.

"We are. It might be an artificial vacation for us, but at dis point, we happy to take it."

"It's hard sometimes to know where the lie ends and the truth begins these days. You know that Remy, you've lived that. I promise I'll try to find the real truth, but that's all I can offer. " Jubilee replied, letting her legs touch the deck of the veranda as she leaned back against the railing and a curl of smoke pushed through her lips and upwards into the sky above them. " 'Ro looks a lot happier, that's for sure. We're all happier now that you're home."

"Better do better den dat, petite." Remy's look was wry, although not without a certain level of amusement. "You're hiding from youself because you don't want to deal wit' what you already know de answers to be. Because you can't imagine dat anyone would want anything to do wit' de kind of girl dat gets herself wrapped up in a drug ring and doesn't feel bad 'bout it, except for getting caught. Or de girl dat can accept having to fuck someone for a meal or a place to stay wit'out wailing and crying 'bout it. It's not 'bout you finding de truth, Jubilee. It's 'bout you learning to accept it."

Remy knew first hand the seductiveness of crafting a new self. He'd been tempted once to do the same, that he could put Gambit away and live like a normal person. But it wasn't the case, and eventually, everyone had to face their own reflection without a protective covering of lies; the younger members of his people a little more starkly than others. "Which, speaking of, is why 'Ro and I are happy. It's just us together, wit'out any masks or lies in de way."

There was something raw in Jubilee's gaze as she looked at him in that moment, almost as if he'd uncovered a still bleeding wound. "I'd have thought compartmentalizing what we do would be a good thing." she said after a moment. What he'd said wasn't wrong...not wrong, just hard. She dropped the cigarette to the ground, grinding it out with the tip of her toe before she wrapped her arms about herself. "Can't I just be this, when we're not working? What's so great about inner honesty anyhow?"

"Because de lie will eat you up eventually. You ever wonder how Remy became Gambit in de first place?"

"Weren't you some kind of Government experiment?" Jubilee asked, a flash of interest in her eyes, knowledge was power, after all. "I know you thought you were like a teenager when you first came here."

"I was forced into a program by de CIA. Dey were able to modify me genetically so that I aged very slowly, which kept me outside of de normal profiles for operatives and assassins. You do not take a sixteen year old as a serious threat in dat business, and it gave me an edge." Remy pitched the cigarette into the sand bucket and lit another.

"But dat's not really what I meant. De CIA didn't set out to create a monster. I wasn't indoctrinated to do horrible things to people for no good reason, after all. What I did in de field was to tell myself dat I wasn't killing people; dey were just targets, subjects, hostiles, whatever. Dat way, I didn't have to face de personal feelings about what I was doing. Soon enough, I stopped seeing dem as people; got so good, I stopped seeing anyone as people. When dat happened, doing evil things to dem wasn't anything to feel guilty 'bout. In fact, it became fun. A lot of fun." Remy blew out a plume of smoke, looking up at the night sky. "Dat's where de monster dat I can never put out of my mind came from. Lies to make it easier. Hard is real, petite. Anyone who tells you different is selling something."