xp_logs | Doug and Em

In the kitchenette during the sleepover, after Marie has been to talk to Xavier.

Doug sat in the kitchen area, inhaling the delicious smell of baking brownies, and enjoyed a break from the controlled chaos of the commons. Jamie and Kitty had the littleuns well under control, and Marie had gone off for a little while, so Doug was on baking patrol. He set down a paperback as the kitchen timer dinged, and put on a pair of oven mitts before opening the oven. Carefully taking out the tray, he set it on top of the stove to cool.

"Don't touch them while they're hot," Marie said as she came into the kitchen. The words were kind of hollow, though, and she didn't look at Doug while she filled a cup of water and put it into the microwave for two minutes. She stood watching it circle on the glass tray inside the microwave, arms crossed over her chest, biting her lip.

Doug set the oven mitts down and reset the timer to allow the brownies to cool. Turning around, he noticed Marie's fixation on the microwave and the tension of her body language. Moving over to one side of her so that she could see him out of the corner of her eye, he reached a hand out slowly, trying not to startle her. "Em?" he asked softly.

"Hey." Marie shifted her focus to Doug, mustering up a smile. "How're the kids?"

Doug noticed how the smile didn't quite reach her eyes, and shrugged. "Pretty good. Jamie and Kitty are running them ragged at present. I think the latest activity was 'dogpile on Jamie'. Me, I'm glad just to have a quiet moment. I love those kids, but they're more hyperactive than any three people I know." He grinned.

"That sounds almost normal. It's good." She found the tea bags in the cupboard and pulled one out. "At least we fake it well, right?"

Doug placed a gentle hand on Marie's. "Except you and I when we're around each other," he joked quietly. "Seriously, why don't you just sit down for a moment and let me..." he trailed off. Nodding his head at the door, he tried again. "Jamie and Kitty are taking care of the kids. But who's taking care of you, Em?"

The microwave beeped and Marie pulled the cup out and dropped the teabag into the hot water. Putting it down, she hopped up to sit on the counter, feet bumping the doors below like a child's. "No one right now. It's... it's better like this anyway. Closer to the truth."

Doug looked intently at Marie. "I don't believe that. It's not better that way." He chuckled slightly wryly. "What about me?"

"What about you?" she used a spoon to fish the tea bag out of her mug, then looked up at him with a smile that softened her words. "You want to take care of me?"

Doug blushed beet red. "I...I...I mean, well..." He coughed nervously.

Marie pointed at the fridge. "Would you mind getting the milk out for me?" she asked, her expression gentle and affectionate as she watched Doug flounder.

Doug, glad to have something to do to cover his awkward silence, stepped over to the fridge and got out the milk. He handed the milk to Marie and tried again. "You know I...I mean...you...gnh." He grunted in frustration. Closing his eyes, he covered them with a hand.

Marie poured milk into her tea and held the carton out for him to put it away. "Thanks. You mean..." she let it trail off. "You mean you want to be there for me when no one else is.. or can be?"

Doug nodded quietly. "Yes. Because..." he trailed off. On second thought, reprising the whole 'I love you' thing probably wasn't the greatest of ideas. They were finally getting their friendship back, and Doug didn't want to screw that up by not being able to get over her.

"It's okay." She sipped at her tea. "You cover well. I know you're trying."

Doug smiled wryly. "I am." He shrugged. "But maybe we're getting our friendship back, and that's important to me. _You're_ important to me."

"Thanks." Marie gave him a smile. "You're important to me too. I'm sorry I'm feeling cynical."

Doug shook his head. "It's okay. Like I've told you before. I think you're one of the strongest people I know. But the thing is, you don't have to be strong all the time."

"There's no good time not to be strong around here." Marie crossed her legs and stared down at the tea she held. "Besides, I have my moments of falling apart. It's just that it used to be pretty simple to figure out who to do that with and now it's not so much so. God. What a fucking horrendous day." She tilted her head, listening to the children's voices in the other room. "At least they're in one piece. I wish that weren't the gold standard around here."

Doug cocked his head and looked at Marie assessingly. "You used to go to Logan for this sort of thing, didn't you." There was no accusation in his voice, only a sort of not-question statement, trying to understand the whole situation.

"For this sort of thing, I usually still do," she said, looking up with a wan smile. "It's just hard to go to him about /him/, you know? And it's weird to have to think twice about what comes out of my mouth sometimes. There's honesty and then there's... I don't know. You know how talking about things lets you hear your own voice and helps sort things out? That's what I mean. And, besides, I guess I do start to worry now about what I say to him about things like today because I know he's afraid that being with him is changing me in a negative way. All of a sudden, everything's so /complex/. It was so clear and simple when we were friends."

Doug grinned and chuckled. "Preaching to the choir here, Em. Peoples' exhibit number one: our conversation in the laundry room the other day." He shook his head at his own foibles. He definitely knew about thinking twice about what came out of his mouth. The urge to blurt out 'I want to help because I love you' every five minutes was fairly powerful, but he knew it wouldn't help.

"It's hard. I know." Marie closed her eyes and leaned her head back on the cupboards. "I just get this horrible sinking feeling that I made a mistake sometimes. And then I feel worse because the truth is, it's everything I wanted and more. I'm sure things will settle out, but in the meantime, I hate the feeling of second-guessing myself. It's not like me. Especially not where he's concerned. Honestly, you'd think this would be the least of my worries, but he's what gets me through things like today and feeling off-kilter makes everything harder than usual."

Doug leaned against the counter about half a foot away and nodded to himself. "If things are off-kilter, then it shouldn't be the least of your worries. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others, Em. It's okay to second-guess yourself every once in a while to make sure you're doing what you want, but you can't let it get to a point where it's all you do and it eats you up inside." ~Like me,~ he thought bitterly.

Marie sighed and swirled her tea around. "It used to be so simple." She laughed then and shook her head. "Ignorance is blissful, isn't it? I just wish I could let things go and be happy, but I can't. Things just get more and more knotted with every step I seem to take. I didn't think it was going to be this hard."

Doug smiled. "Life can be hard, Em, but that doesn't make it any less worth living. And you don't have to ignore everything in order to be happy." He sighed, feeling like he was doing a very poor job of articulating things, and not helping very much.

"Everything? No. I just wish I could ignore things like militant invaders and the FoH and gangsters and all the other little joys that make life interesting around here." She looked toward the door. "It's all been a little much lately. Today was last-straw territory."

Doug followed Marie's gaze and then looked back at her. "Would it help...do you want to talk to me about it?" he asked hesitantly.

"You need to know anyway, at least some of it," she said, still looking away, her attention on the laughter and squeaky voices. "It may take Artie a while to get over it. To sum up, like I said, mistakes were made. A Japanese mobster, Yakuza's the only word I have to put to what he seemed to be, grabbed Yana while she was with Artie to use her as leverage for something they wanted from Piotr and Shiro. It scared him a lot and I had to leave him on the roof of a building to stay safe while Paige and I went to get Yana and the others back." Her face was pale and her eyes unfocussed as she ran through the events in her head again. "It was a less than fun day."

Doug nodded pensively and moved to stand directly in front of Marie, trying to give her something to concentrate on in the here and now. He placed his hands gently on top of hers in her lap, concern for her well-being evident on his face.

Marie startled a little at his touch and blinked. "...hi." She gave him a smile as she focussed on him. "Anyway. There you have the short version. The long version involves a less-than-happy Japanese guy banging about in my head, looking to shoot something."

Doug smiled back sadly. "Would the long version help you sort things out for yourself? Cuz I'm not doing anything but baking brownies, and those can wait. I think this is a little more important."

"I don't. I don't know." Marie bit her lip, brow furrowing. "I shouldn't let it get to me, and it /wouldn't/ except that the kids are involved, y'know?" She closed her eyes against tears and swallowed hard, then took a slow breath. "And getting upset about it doesn't help anyone. Shit happens. This is how it is. This is our life. Deal or die." Nodding resolutely, she opened her eyes again and looked at Doug. "So, I'm dealing."

Doug felt a pain at the unshed tears in Marie's eyes. He sighed. "I don't have any good answers for you, Em. I'm feeling my way in the dark same as you. Dealing by yourself, it's..." He shrugged and opened his arms, offering a hug. "It's easier when you have someone to talk to and help. Can I...I mean, would you let me..." he trailed off.

Marie put her tea aside and slid to the edge of the counter, accepting the hug Doug offered her. She put her head on his shoulder and her arms around him with a sigh. "...thanks." Closing her eyes, she leaned on him and tried to relax a little. "What a crappy, stupid day. What a crappy, stupid world," she said. There was no heat in her voice, just deep weariness.

Doug stroked a hand along Marie's spine soothingly. "You're welcome, Em. I'm just glad I can do _something_ to help, y'know?" He sat there for a while, just content to hold her. He hummed a few bars of a song quietly as they sat there.

"You being you helps," she said quietly, listening to him. "I recognize that. Have you sung that before?" It did help, to just be quiet, to be grounded for a little while. The familiar smells of the kitchen and the comfort of a hug went further than therapy.

Doug smiled. "You've got a good ear. It's one of the songs I put into the setlist for that concert we did over the winter. It's by a group called Savage Garden. It's...well..." He blushed.

"It's nice." Marie snuggled against his shoulder. "It's very... you," she added.

Doug nodded. "I like songs that I can identify with. And this one...well, it's sort of us. And it's even more appropriate now." He sang the second verse, the lyric he'd been thinking of. "When you feel all alone / And a loyal friend is hard to find / You're caught in a one-way street / With the monsters in your head..."

The last line made Marie wince a little, her arms tightening around him briefly. "Yeah... it's perfect. You're good at that, finding the right song for things." Another breath and the twinge was gone. "And you do have a great voice. You should sing more often."

Doug smiled and continued singing for her, still rubbing a hand along her back. "When hopes and dreams are far away and / You feel like you can't face the day / Let me be the one you call / If you jump, I'll break your fall / Lift you up and fly away with you into the night / If you need to fall apart / I can mend a broken heart / If you need to crash then crash and burn, you're not alone..." He placed his hands on Marie's shoulders and looked into her eyes. "You're not alone, Em. No matter what."

"You're impossible," she told him, meeting his eyes. Her expression was pure affection and a small smile. "I'm glad we're still friends. And I believe you. It means a lot to me." She reached up and brushed her gloved fingers over his cheek. "Thanks."

Doug fought back a sigh at the feelings her gentle touch still brought out in him. He laid his head on her shoulder and squeezed her. "I'm glad we're still friends too, Em. And I'm glad I could help somehow."

Marie hugged Doug back warmly. "I know it's not easy, but not shutting me out might be the biggest help of all. You help more than you probably know, just by being you."

"I hope so," was Doug's reply. Giving her a last squeeze, he moved over to the cooling brownies. "Okay, enough deep conversation. It's chocolate time."