xp_logs | Kevin & Leo | Monday Afternoon

In his regularly scheduled session with Doctor Samson it seems Kevin is backtracking on his progress and Leo makes a suggestion Kevin is reluctant to put his hopes into.

Kevin looked down at the sketch that Dr. Sampson seemed to be lingering on. It had become standard operating procedure ever since Kevin had agreed to attempt to actually give this therapy thing a shot. Not being big on words but big on images had allowed the doctor an easy in to Kevin's thoughts while allowing Kevin to not have to fight for some sort of articulate eloquence he didn't actually possess. It helped keep the teenager less frustrated and easier to work with.

The Doc was probably noticing the same thing Kevin had noticed, but not spoken. Over the past six weeks or so, ever since Dr. Grey-Summers had taken him off the pills and his powers had been leaking back, his art had taken a darker turn. For a while it had a feeling of openness, it even had color and he'd played with light. His sculptures, which Dr. Sampson hadn't seen recently, had become sharper angles and harder edges. It wasn't hard to see the connection between the two and the fact that his powers returning had caused internal darkness to creep back in, even if there was no obvious changes from him outwardly just yet. He sat there quietly, waiting for Dr. Sampson to speak rather than questioning the man and perhaps giving away his paranoia that he would be stamped as a degenerating cause.

Generally, Leo worked at keeping a neutral demeanor when looking at Kevin's art, but this sketch--he couldn't help making a small reaction. One that Kevin had obviously noted. Rather than trying to ignore his small frown, Leo decided to try to use it. "Obviously you can tell this one caught my eye, Kevin,"

He handed the sketch back. "This one reminds me of the one from last week, the abstract in charcoal? But this one...the shadows are so much stronger, more defined--what's changed?"

The sketchbook seemed heavier in his hands than it ought to have. Kevin frowned down at the page as if it were the page's fault it weren't right. Maybe right wasn't exactly the most accurate word to use, but it was the one he thought of. Kevin shrugged, an indication that he couldn't find words to express things verbally, not an indication of an unwillingness to do so. "Ah dunno. Ah've been doing more powers training. Ah think they're back completely. That's all that's different really."

"I think that's a significant difference, Kevin," Leo responded, "It's not a minor thing. Do you think the training is beneficial?"

Kevin shrugged. "Ah dunno. Not really. Ah mean, it's not like Ah'm learning anything but how to not black out if Ah use them."

"Yes, well, remaining conscious is always an important goal," Leo said wryly, "but ideally I think we should have slightly higher standards than just that." He paused for a moment, studying Kevin. Since they had begun utilizing art in therapy, Kevin had become a little more open in their sessions--or at least, not actively shutting Leo out. Perhaps it was worth the risk to be more direct. "Kevin, what *are* your goals? For training your powers--for yourself?"

"Ah can't ever turn them off so Ah don't see there's a whole lot of other point beside that." Kevin started to fiddle with the chain around his neck. It disappeared under his shirt and the metal feather, Jay's feather, that hung from it moved against his skin from the agitation. He played with the necklace often since finding out Jay was mostly likely dead. "Mister Haller talked about maybe being able to control where it goes once. That'd be helpful, Ah guess. As much as decaying things can be helpful."

"Hmm." Leo leaned back in his chair and looked out the window, where the signs of winter rapidly approaching were obvious. "Mr. Haller has spoken to me about the wood sculptures you've made. While I know that's not what you might define 'helpful', it does show us that there are at least some creative applications of your power."

Leo looked back at Kevin, half raising a hand to forestall comment, "I'm not saying that to try to convince you that the glass is half-full, but I would like you to remain open to the idea that there are still things to learn about your abilities, and not all of those things may be negative."

Kevin looked down at his lap, hand freezing in its fiddling. His eyes darkened. "Yeah, but who says training will help? Maybe training will let me focus but make things bad again. If Ah get like Ah was...it's not going to matter that Ah can choose whether to decay all your skin first or a hole through your chest, is it? That won't change what it makes me into." That had been his worry with his powers returning all the time. It wasn't one he spoke aloud, but it was there and it was obvious and it weighed on him all the time. He felt so heavy under that single thought, like he couldn't move no matter what he did.

"No," Leo said softly, "It doesn't change the fact that your powers can be used to kill." He paused a moment, knowing he was pushing to name the thing Kevin was avoiding. He leaned forward, trying to meet Kevin's eyes. "But that does not make *you* a killer. You did not make a conscious choice to use your powers against others. Your abilities are a part of you, but they do not have to define who you are."

"They do when they take away my choice." He remembered putting Jay against a wall once because his control on himself was slipping and Jay wouldn't go away. He remembered how tempted he was to use the one thing Jay had seemed to want against him. Kevin was a heart beat away from kissing Jay, pressing his cheek against the other boy's and not caring that his face would dry and crumble to nothing. They'd found a way to temporarily take his powers away because of that impulse, so others would be safe. How do you say something like that doesn't define you?

"Yes, they take away your choice. And that is a part of you, and that is a burden that you carry, and that is an incredibly difficult and painful thing to live with." Leo leaned back in his chair, and rubbed his forehead with his hand absently. "But you are more than a young man whose touch triggers decay. You are an artist, an employee of Elpis, a friend to many in the mansion, a savior to, if I recall correctly, an elderly woman and her daughter and grandson and several kittens, a builder of houses and, last but certainly not least," and now Leo smiled softly, "you are a cook who makes the best biscuits I've had since moving North."

Leo sighed, "Kevin, your power takes away your abilities to choose many things in your life. But you have the ability to choose if they will take away all of your choices."

The teenager's head was shaking. "Ah remember why Ah got put on those pills pretty clearly, doctor. If Ah'd gone and," he hesitated. Kevin didn't want to utter the words killed and Jay in such close succession to one another given how someone did go and kill him. Well, probably killed him. Kevin shrank in on himself a little. "If Ah'd done what Ah was about to then Ah'd have gone to prison and then Ah think all my choices will be taken at that point, don't you?"

"Yes," Leo said flatly, "You would have lost many of your choices. But you didn't." Leo shook his head, "Kevin, I'm not going to say that you are a saint or angel, but I'm not going to say you are a devil either. You came very close to making a serious mistake, but you didn't. Now you can either choose to despair over what you almost did, or you can choose to decide what you will do in the future. How will you avoid that mistake from happening again? How are you going to live your life? What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? You are going to encounter risks no matter what you do in your life, the question is, what risks do you want to take?"

Kevin nodded along without enthusiasm. Doctor Sampson was right, he even knew that the man was right, but it seemed so doomed to failure to think too optimistically. People get lazy when they get comfortable. They get sloppy once they are confident. Sloppy and lazy could equal someone's death. It just seemed so exhausting just to consider the level of awareness required to achieve the sort of thing Doctor Sampson was really talking about, choosing to be a functioning and nearly normal member of society. "How'm Ah supposed to figure out how Ah wanna live my life? Ah'm not even allowed to leave the mansion for more than three days because the court knows what people around here don't want to accept: I'm too dangerous to be let loose on my own. What do Ah know about life or how Ah can live it other than trying not to hurt people?" It was a little more honest than he liked to be, even now, but he couldn't help the words that tumbled out of his mouth.

"What do you think?" Leo countered, "You are able to leave the mansion with consent given--do you think that would help? Where do you want to go to learn about life, or to figure out what you want to do?"

"With consent," he muttered grumpily. "It's like asking if Ah can play with Mikey up the street, only Ah'm not under eighteen and Ah ain't got no parents anymore." Kevin sighed and tried to remind himself he was supposed to be helpful because if he wasn't then Doctor Sampson couldn't be either. Much more calmly and maturely he answered, "Ah've never been anywhere, how am Ah supposed to choose? Where would you go?"

Leo raised an eyebrow. "You actually have been places, Kevin--California, British Columbia, Iowa, Guatemala, Cuba--were any of those places you'd like to go again?" He raised a hand before Kevin could respond, "And yes, I realize there are complications to your leaving the mansion, but let's address those in a moment--do you think leaving the mansion would be helpful for you?"

"You forgot Scotland," Kevin added a bit sourly, mentally noting what every one of those places had in common. "It's not like Ah just went to those places, like for fun. There was always a reason. A job. A mission." Thw sour note in his voice wouldn't leave, though he wasn't trying to keep it there. He blacked out in British Columbia, he was knee high in flood water all through Iowa, got knocked out in Guatemala and shot at in Cuba. Weren't those lovely vacation spots? "San Diego's the only one that didn't suck." That was an understatement and he knew it. Kevin had liked San Diego because he'd spent the whole time building things, being useful and for once he could do something his powers couldn't stop him from doing: creating something bigger than a single art piece.

"That's exactly the point, Kevin," Leo responded. "A job. A mission. A goal--a purpose. And yes," he continued wryly, "I know those trips were also full of the same, ah, "luck" and "adventure" that Institute field trips tend to contain, but I think there were some things you did enjoy. You mentioned San Diego--you really enjoyed the work you did there, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah." He shrugged, trying to signal his enjoyment was no big deal. "Ah helped and people stayed away when Ah told them why they shouldn't bump into me. Kinda hot over there. Kinda like Georgia a little." Of course, the reason he'd like it was because he got to help like any regular person would. Powers didn't play into it, even if for some people it was helpful in their tasks. There was nothing wrong with hard labor and it didn't matter who you were, you could still do it if you wanted to.

"Hmm." Leo considered Kevin for a moment. Maybe some time away from the mansion would be helpful for him--time to focus a little, and maybe realize there were possibilities for life outside of amateur sculpture and hiding from the world. "You know, there are several individuals from the Institute in Southern California---the West Coast Annex. It's a much smaller facility, only a few people, and much quieter..." Leo let the question hang in the air.

Fewer people sounded nice. So did the quieter aspect. Jay was gone so that only left a couple of other people around here that he cared about anyway. There was an obvious moment of hopefulness before it dimmed. "Ah can't go out there. Courts say Ah've gotta do training and see you. You're here and if it's that small out there it's not like they've got to keep a shrink on hand, right?" Yet Kevin hadn't said no. If anything, he was saying yes. He just didn't think it would be allowed. Both Doctor Sampson and the FBI had to okay it and with Garrison gone like Jay who was going to vouch for him to get them to say yes?

Leo was glad of his usual therapy 'poker face,' otherwise he would have definitely shown shock and pleasure at the interest in Kevin's voice. The young man was obviously downplaying that interest, but there was a spark there that Leo hadn't seen for quite some time. "The Annex is a training facility, Kevin, and there are therapists in California too--in fact, there's a colleague of mine at UCLA who also works with mutants."

He tilted his head slightly, watching Kevin. "If nothing else, it's an idea worth exploring. What do you think?"

Kevin's face shut down, not wanting to hope for it but wanting it all the same. Being around the mansion was a bit excruciating now. Everything reminded him of Jay. Sure, there was Yvette and Nori and Clarice around, but everything reminded him of the red-winged singer and it made it hard to function some of the time. Somewhere else, somewhere that lacked any memories with anyone, might be better. Might let that tightening in his chest ease up a bit. "Ah think you're the one who has to convince the FBI to say 'yes.'" It was as good as confirmation.

Leo nodded quietly. "I'll do that, Kevin, on one condition: I want you to see this a a choice for something. I don't want you thinking of this to be running away, but moving towards something, alright? Or," and Leo grinned at him, "at least promise to try?"

Kevin made a face at the doctor and for the first time in nearly three weeks he looked genuinely playful. "Next thing Ah know you're gonna ask me to cure cancer. All these high expectations." He shook his head. He liked the running away aspect and Kevin didn't really know what he could be running toward, but sure, that was a possibility, right? Maybe. Well, probably not but he'd pretend. "Ah'll try."

Leo grinned again, "Maybe not cancer, Kevin, but I would really love to see sculpture by Kevin Ford gracing some bridge or sidewalk of Central Park some day." He reached behind his chair for the planner on his desk. "I'll talk to Charles today, and I'll be in touch. And Kevin--thank you. I know this is far from easy for you."

Kevin almost smiled, there was a little bit of a twitching at the corners of his mouth that suggested he wanted to. "You're the one who's gotta put up with me," he said, making it clear that Doctor Sampson had the worse end of the deal.