Logan and Lil

[x-diamondlil.livejournal.com]

Logan ignores Lil's wishes to be left in peace.


She said she'd wanted to be alone. That she didn't want to talk to anybody. Logan thought that was a giant pile of crap, so that would explain his presence outside her door with a case of beer under each arm. "Lil?" he said through the door. "Open the door."

"What part of 'I don't wanna be bothered' don't you understand?" Lil shouted through the door, sharp and angry. Why did he have to make this day harder than it already was? "Fuck off."

"Oh, I heard ya. I just think it's crap." he said with a grin. "I've got beer." he promised.

Lil growled then hollered again, louder. "Fuck off, Logan. I don't wanna deal with anyone right now - with or without beer."

"You got a choice, darlin'." he said. "You can open the door and I can provide beer and someone to talk to, or you can keep sulking like one of the kids and I can break your door down. Your pick."

There was a long pause before the door swung open, revealing a tall blonde with red eyes and slightly runny nose dressed in a simple pair of gray sweat pants and a long-sleeved Maple Leafs tee. "I'm only letting you because I don't wanna have to get Kyle in here to fix the damned door," Lil sniffled then ran her the back of her hand under her nose as she walked back to the seat she'd been occupying for the last few hours. Her large frame curled up into it and she flicked off her tv before brushing the mess of golden curls out of her face. "I really don't want company right now, Logan."

"Figured that part out." he said, closing the door and re-locking it behind him. Then he picked up his two cases of beer and put them on the table, handing her one and keeping one for himself. She smelled jagged, like an animal in pain. Which, from a certain point of view, she was. He didn't say anything, just took a swig of his beer in silence.

Lil looked from him to the beer then out the window, still frowning though stubbornly refused to cry anymore. Not over this, not in front of him. She couldn't. "So why are you here?" the Amazon asked finally, opening the drink he'd given her to take a long sip as if she intended to drown the chaotic swirl of emotions that had her belly clenching every time she thought of what had happened three years prior.

"Figured you could use a friend 'bout now." he said. "And Gar chickened out." he said with just the barest him of amusement. "Figured if you get violent I got a better chance of coming out of it intact. Plus, you know, beer." he added, then took another swallow.

"I don't want you here," she said stubbornly and pulled her knees closer to her chest, looking more like a child than a 6 foot 4 inch woman should be able to. "I don't want anything with a dick within a hundred feet of me."

"Maybe." he conceded. "But I ain't leavin'. Not yet." he said, finishing off his first beer and cracking open a second.

Lil just shook her head and putting the beer aside, pressed her forehead to her knees. "Logan... for once in your fucking life, do what I say. Please?"

"Sorry, kid. Not leavin' you behind." he said. "I'm not one of the Psych geeks, but even I know you gotta talk about it, get it out." he said. "And I don't judge, kid, you know that. You do what's best for you."

He nearly broke her with that. Tears welled and Lil quickly pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes to stem the flow. "I don't know what's best for me," she admitted, still hiding her face from him. The man who'd been teacher and mentor and finally friend. "I don't know what's best for me and I hate it. And I hate that I'm sitting here, driving myself crazy wondering if he even remembers what fucking day it is."

Logan turned an errant lock of hair behind her ear. "Does it matter, really? You figure you fucked up hard, fell for a guy who tossed you over for his toy robot." he said. "And it hurts."

A shuddering breath escaped her lips at his touch and Lil reached up to push Logan's hand away. She didn't want his pity, didn't want him seeing her the way she was. Diamond Lil was unbreakable and here she was acting like nothing more than a shattered little girl. "Leave me alone, please. Logan, please, just leave."

Logan exhaled sharply. "Used to be like you." he said. "Wasn't gonna break, wasn't gonna bend. Bones don't, claws don't, so I figured I didn't." he said. "Learned better. Eventually." he admitted. "No shame in being human, kid. Only things that don't feel are machines."

"But that's exactly what he wanted," she whispered in a voice choked with tears. "That's what he picked over me."

"So how's that your fault again?" he asked, reaching for another beer. "Congratulations. You're a failure of a machine." he said. "Figure that's nothin' to be ashamed of."

The word 'failure' came as hard as one of his punches landing her square in the gut. All she seemed to be lately was a failure. Clenching her jaw, Lil stared out the window once more, trying to shut him out.

Logan sighed. Maybe Gar should have come up. He was better at the comforting thing than he was. Packs of rabid wolves likely were as well. "Or is that what you want? To be the good little machine, unbreakable, unfeeling, uncaring?"

"I want the stupid fairytale every little girl dreamed her life would be," she said bitterly. Her knuckles were marble white as she clenched the cuffs of her shirt. "I want him to give a damn and pick up the phone and at least try to act like he cares that it's our anniversary! To fucking acknowledge that once upon a time I meant more to him that some goddamned piece of metal!"

He knew precisely jack about what kind of dreams, fairytale or not, that little girls had. There was really nothing he could say to that, so instead he busied himself polishing off the last of his beer. "You could take a couple of days off, go back up North?" he suggested

Lil scoffed and shook her head so her hair fell like a curtain around her face. "And do what, Logan? Beg him to stop acting like an asshole? To love me again? Not a fucking chance."

"Pretty sure Heather'd look the other way if you wanted to bounce him off the floor a few times." he suggested with a laugh. "Be good for both of you."

"I already did that once. It didn't help," she sniffled, wiping at her eyes. "I feel like I've fucked up so bad, Logan, and I don't even know what I did or didn't do! If I made him stop loving me somehow or... or if he does and it's just that damn robot fucking with his head in which case, I should be there trying to help him..." Lil shook her head again then beat her closed fists against her temples. "But I'm here, instead. On the verge of tears in another country on my wedding anniversary. So fucking much for in sickness and in health, good times and bad."

Logan grabbed her arms so she'd quit punching herself. "Maybe it's time for you to look forward, not back. He hasn't tried to talk to you, call, even send an email." he pointed out. "Should pretty much tell ya it's over."

"Then why hasn't he come to me for a divorce?!" Lil hollered back at him, yanking hard to free herself from his grip. "What if it is that damn robot taking over his brain - I should be there, fighting with him instead of being here, fighting for a spot on Alpha which I know I'm never gonna get!"

He let her break his grip. "If it is, then we call Heather, get Walt or somebody to check it out. Get Shaman to give him a once-over, make sure he's all right." he said. "And who said you're not getting a slot on Alpha? You think Heather's gonna send you down here on Alpha's nickel for training just because they think you're gonna wash out? Think, Lil. They sent you here because they want you in Alpha."

"They sent me here to get rid of me," the blonde fired back as she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. "Heather didn't want me trying to kill Maddy every other day and she knew it would only be worse if I was turned down - you know as well as I do they don't wanna make any more enemies. This way, it's on my own head when I fuck up and they don't have to handle the fall out." Glassy green eyes focused on spot where her wedding ring - now tucked away in her nightstand - once lived. "Maddy doesn't want me. The Flight Program doesn't want me. I don't have anything else, Logan. I can wait tables and make cocktails and throw drunks out on their asses but I don't wanna do that for the rest of my life."

Logan barked out a laugh. "You got more than that, darlin'. Anyone has to worry about what happens if they get the boot, it's me. Told Heather I wouldn't take the Alphan command slot." he told her. "Wasn't right for me. Alpha deserves better. Now I'm back down here, but we all know how well that usually goes for me. Marie's been saved, Yvette's where she needs to be, and..." he said, letting his voice trail off.

"And now we're left trying to rescue the ones we always thought we wouldn't have to - ourselves," Lil finished. Running her hand under her nose, she sniffled loudly then grabbed her beer for another long swig. "I'm supposed to be screwing him into the mattress today, not wishing I could rip his balls off."

"Ain't life just a bitch that way." he said. "Don't know if I was ever married. Think so, but I can't remember." he said with a shrug. His past was not something he usually liked to talk about.

Lil sniffled again, filling with sadness and disappointment now that the fight had done out of her some. "I wish I could forget. He's been in my life for too long; how am I supposed to just let him go like nothing about the last three years - hell, the last seven fucking years - meant nothing?"

"You make your own meaning." he said with a shrug. "Or at least that's what Chuck tells me." he said. "Smart man, Chuck."

"I ain't good for making anything but making a mess of things," the blonde replied then killed her beer and held out her hand to him, looking for a second.

He looked at her and took it for a second. "You're full of shit." he told her in a friendly tone, reaching with his other hand for a fresh beer.

Lil rolled her eyes and took the beer, swallowing down half before looking out the window once more. "Right, so why are you insisting on still being here, then? I'm sure you've got lots of other stuff to do than sit here and listen to my shit."

"Not really." he admitted. "Figured I was needed most here." he said, clearly uncomfortable.

That made her look at him - really look at him for the first time since Logan had stepped into her room. The woman continued to frown and her eyes were even redder than before and filled with the tears she refused to let fall in front of the man she respected more than anyone else in the mansion. Lil was quiet as she stared at him then finally, after a shuddering breath, whispered a soft, "Thank you."

"You're welcome." he said, his gaze lifting to meet hers. Then he took a hefty swallow of his beer and grinned at her. "Least I got the stuff you like." he said.

Lil snorted and nodded once, lifting her beer then taking another long sip. "I appreciate it even if I don't seem like it. Just in a bad place, you know? Men aren't high on my list right now."

"Figured." he said. "Just thought that you probably shouldn't be alone on a day like this." he said. "Just because Mads did you wrong doesn't mean we're all shitheels."

Her head bobbed again in agreement though she didn't voice anything to that affect. Today, she wanted to believe all men were scum, that it was some kind of defect they'd developed over the years. But Logan had to go and try to prove that wrong in his own less-than-romantic way. "I hope the damn robot does eat his brain," Lil said at last.

"Better be gettin' something worth having." he grumbled. "Serve him right if it was eating his brain."

She gave a dry, bitter laugh at that. "He's such a fucking ass. Part of me wants to call him to tell him that and everything else but another part doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I'm this upset. Another woman woulda been bad enough - even another man - but a fucking robot?!"

Logan grinned. "You know what I've heard? That living well is the best revenge. Why put your life on hold and spend days in tears and misery because of that twat? Get out there, live a little. Be happy." he suggested.

"It's my wedding anniversary, Logan. I'm allowed to be miserable today," she told him, the corner of her lip twitching as if she were holding back a smile. "I've been fighting and living every other day and I'm just tired of it. I'm taking the day off to be miserable and I'll get back to living well tomorrow." And she would. Diamond Lil pressed on... however, today she was Lillian. "You're good at this trashing men talk, though. Maybe too good..."

"Hey, you hear enough of it on my end, you get good at it." he said with a grin. "Takes one to know one." he admitted.

She shook her head. "You and Maddy couldn't be any more different."

Logan barked a laugh at that. "True - and not true." he said. "I don't know much about who I was, but I do know there was a girl. First Nations. I ... think I loved her. And she died for it." he said.

Lil frowned at him after taking another sip of her drink. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "I'm sorry that happened but no one's gonna die in this situation; not unless I lose it and do kill Maddy the next time I see him."

Logan shrugged. "Forget it. It's stupid. You and robophile'll be fine." he said with another hefty swallow of beer.

"It's not stupid," she replied quickly, sitting up a little straighter in her chair. "It's not, Logan. I'm sorry that you lost someone like that. By choice is hard enough, having them taken from you... I don't think I even wanna imagine it."

Logan shrugged. "I lose a lifetime, and the only snippets I can keep are the horrors. Ain't that just life?" he asked, killing his beer and reaching for another.

The blonde woman continued to frown, upset about her situation and because she was acting as childish as she was when there were others who'd suffered a great deal more. Swigging down the last of her second drink, Lil crunched the can in her fist before tossing it on the floor and reaching for her third. "You've had others in your life since then though, yeah? Maddy's the only one I've ever loved. The only one I've ever sle-" Her jaw snapped shut and a light flush stole over her cheeks when she bit off the end of that particular confession. "The only one I've ever seen myself having a future with," Lil tried to amend.

He quirked an eyebrow at that, but for her sake let that little reveal go unremarked-on. He had to admit, though, that part of him was _fascinated_. "Nice save." he told her teasingly.

The light rose turned a burning scarlet as she groaned and buried her face in her lap once more.

Logan couldn't resist it. "No shame in it, really." he said. "Some prefer to save themselves." he said. "Nothin' wrong with it."

"Stop it," she begged, feeling the tips of her ears burning.

"What?" he asked, all-too-innocently.

Lil lifted her head and glared at him. "It isn't funny, okay? And I swear to God if you ever mention it again, I'm gonna rip your tongue out of your mouth then strangle you with it."

"So feisty." he teased. "And yes it is."

The Amazon growled her displeasure at his continual teasing. "I was sixteen when I started dating him and I'm not a cheater. It's perfectly reasonable," she defended herself, crossing her arms over her chest while debating to chuck her unopened beer at his head or not.

It was good for her. Kept her from thinking everyone took her seriously. "Bodes ill for your sex life then." he said with a shrug.

"Oh, fuck off," Lil returned, rolling her eyes once more.

"What?" he said with another toothy grin. "I mean, you take the marriage thing seriously, right? Gonna make getting some difficult." he pointed out.

"We're separated," she seethed. "If I wanna to screw around with someone, I can." Her relationship with Bishop wasn't a secret by any means. "Faithful then but not stupid - and also seriously scorned." Maddy was the one who stepped out first, had started to devote his time to something other than his wife. "I never fucked anyone else while we were together is all I meant."

"Right." he said with a grin. "Good to know." he added. "Anyway, not that talking about your sex life isn't fun and all that ... figure we'll hit the quarry tomorrow, work on finesse drills. As someone's still pretty damned sloppy." he teased.

Lil blinked hard at the sudden change in topic - not that she wasn't grateful for it but nevertheless, it threw her slightly. "Y-Yeah... okay," she agreed then opened her beer and took another swig.

Logan just grinned at her. "Unless you had another idea?" he asked her.

"Excuse me?" Lil replied, blinking owlishly again as she flushed slightly again. "What do you mean?"

"Just wanted to know if you had something you'd rather to tomorrow than speed drills in the quarry." he said, noting her reaction. Poor girl seems to have completely forgotten that he wasn't blind and had a very keen nose.

"No..." she said slowly and narrowed her eyes slightly at him before sipping generously once more. He was teasing again; throwing her accidental confession back in her face along with any previous occasions where she was nothing but a hormonal teenager who harbored a tiny crush on one of her teachers. "Drills are fine."

"Suit yourself." he said with a nod before reaching for another beer. "We'll be working on your speed. You're strong and tough - we both know that - but you need to be faster."

Lil nodded back her agreement, biting her lower lip. After peering him a bit longer, she seemed to sink back into her misery and instead of adding anything to his observation, sipped quietly at her drink. She wasn't really up for making useless conversation.

Logan sighed. He had her engaged there for a bit and then lost her again. Dammit. "Must get pretty irritatin', staring at the same four walls all day." he said. "You hungry?"

"I'm not an invalid, Logan," she reminded him. "I've been outta my room and outta the mansion quite a few times." For work, for fun. For lessons - and other things - with Bishop. "Just hiding today. And no, I'm not hungry. My suitemate made stuff for me and left it at the door." It was a true testament to how upset she was - the blonde rarely turned down a meal for any reason.

He sighed. Ah well, he'd tried. "I'm gonna go grab some grub, maybe go shoot some pool down at Harry's." he said.

"Have fun."

Logan stood up. "Beer's yours." he said then without any further ceremony headed for her door.

She watched him leave, fighting every instinct and every tear that bid her to reach out or call him back. Instead, Lil only squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face in her lap, feeling more alone than she had before Logan had arrived.