Lil and Manuel

[x-diamondlil.livejournal.com]

Manuel tracks Lil's signature to the gym and confronts the giantess about the emotions she's been projecting for the last week.


While Valentia was at school, he'd set aside some time to address a specifically noisy person in terms of emotional distress and aggravation. He could practically hear her snarls through her emotions all weekend and had just about enough of the pounding headache she was driving into him above everyone else. Seeking out a specific signature was similar to following your nose, except the emotions intensified as he walked and the colours saturated in his vision. By the time he entered the gym, the pull of anger lacing through confusion and sadness was so thick, he'd almost overlooked the loneliness that hollowed out a void in her depths and layered emotions.

"Dealing with your problems is better than beating out the school's budget by breaking punching bags," he commented dryly, walking towards her. He tugged on the sleeve of his white buttoned down shirt, a far and boring cry from his usual stylish attire. He looked more as if he belonged here as a teacher than she did.

"Punching bags are meant to take a beating. I haven't broken one yet." Though, if Manuel was here to antagonize her, that could change. "I don't want company," Lil said plainly without a break in her rhythm. Hit after hit though this time there was no face to be aimed at in her head - just a huge question mark.

Lil hadn't really ventured out of her room since she'd received a call from Madison and a week's worth of emotions were percolating inside her, needing an escape. So, a trip to the gym was called for. Spanish wanna-be shrinks were not.

"You rarely want the company and I rarely want to be that company, therefore I will be honesty. Have you thought about taking a vacation?" Pulling on his slacks briefly, he took a seat on a nearby bench, setting his cane aside, though not too far in case he'd need to throw something at her.

"Me spending a week in my room wasn't a long enough time for you to go without seeing my face?" She still didn't look at him; she was focused on her routine and for Lil, it was going to be the only way to get through whatever conversation he wanted to have without turning her punches on him or breaking down into tears. The giantess hated feeling fragile, vulnerable so she'd buried what she could of herself inside the Diamond Lil persona she'd crafted. "I don't need a vacation." Even if the nagging little voice in her head continually told her to go to Canada, to go back home and see him.

Lil squeezed her eyes shut against the thought and threw a hard right cross at the bag.

"What you _need_ Lillian, is to go back and solve your problems. Vacation or not, you are quite the miserable individual and before you can continue with Bishop, you need to figure yourself out." He wasn't about to start preaching how unfair it was to Bishop - the man could take care of himself - but for his own sanity and hers, she needed to not simply address that she was having an issue dealing with it, but needed to take care of it.

A surge of anger shot through her as the Amazon spun on her heel and glared at him. "I am solving my problems. I am getting my life back because you can't reason with a fucking junkie," Lil spit then executed a roundhouse kick aimed for where a person's head would be on the bag with a growl of fury. "What's between me and Bishop isn't any of your damn business." Especially seeing as she hadn't spoken to the man in over a week which was leading Lil to her own concerns about the relationship. "And I don't need or want you playing counselor. I'm dealing with my problems the way I want to and it's working fine for me." They both knew it was a lie but Lil wasn't going to admit her failings to him out loud.

"Clearly," he said with a roll of his eyes. "Perhaps you cannot reason with a junkie however you can find closure with it. Bishop aside, I believe that is what makes you so frustrated." She was an impossible woman at best - what woman wasn't - but he had no desire to be any counsel. He was not interested in singing the old friendship song of woe.

Lil gave the bag one more final hit then snatched up her water bottle while scowling at the man. He had a point; had gotten to the very center of her problem. "What if I don't want that kinda closure? What if I just want my husband back?" she asked. There was no jest, only sincerity in her voice.

Manuel considered her question with very apparent sincerity. He gaged his answer through a number of responses but only her emotions stuck out to him as on possible decision she could make. "I suppose you need to assess whether you want your husband back or your life?"

"And if I do? Then I give up training again and go back to being second in his life." She wanted to talk it out, needed to because all of it had been making her head hurt for days. Lil just didn't know if she wanted to do it with Manuel. "Madison as he is now ain't the man I married. I want Maddy, not the robot obsessed mechanic who would make love to me then wait until I feel asleep to sneak out of the house." There was still anger, but it was being battered back by the swelling sadness and loneliness now. "I wanna go back to being Maddy and Lillian but I know that can't happen while he's still attached to the Boxbot. And he's never gonna give it up."

He had great difficulty relating to her problem of need and being wanted - no, unquestionably desired and devoted by another - even with Amanda, he'd never expressed such a longing that he felt within her and he considered her words second to her overwhelming emotions.

"The problem with a relationship that comes second to something else is that you require to be content with yourself - that includes your decisions - before you can ever consider yourself happy. Until then, if you go back to him, you may fall under that self depreciating situation of facading your unhappiness, trying to make everything around you seem like it is just fine when it is clearly not to everyone around you. Obsessive, if you want to call it that, until you may wake up one day, realize you do not love him and that you wasted all those years waiting for him to devote his time to you and not to whatever it is that he is distracted with."

Lil shook her head rapidly, sending the ponytail bouncing back and forth as she appeared to be attempting to force his words from her ears and brain physically. "No. No!" She stomped her foot like a frustrated child who couldn't make themselves understood. "If I was obsessed, I wouldn't be here. I'm trying to make myself happy by training with the X-Men. I wanna make Alpha! I quit for him and he won't do the same for me so I'm taking it back and I'm trying but I can't just stop loving him, Manuel! He's my husband; we made promises to each other and I tried so fucking hard to do what I could to keep us going. I do love him or I wouldn't be so goddamn worried that he's frying his fucking brains out!"

Patiently, Manuel picked up his cane and rolled it between his fingers, watching the wolf head spin before he gazed at her, unphased by her tantrum. "You may never stop loving him however you have to look after yourself first. Though I do not know love, giving up what you are , I know, is definitely not love. Intervention does not always work. Alcoholics relapse because they do not care, nor want to change, and it is the same with drug users. They need to want to change to make that change. You could possibly wait a lifetime before he even remotely toys with the idea of making a life change.

If you make changes for yourself, it is possible he will want you back." He seemed frustrated with his explanation and gestured to her, trying to make her understand. "If you want him to change, you need to set your standards higher. No one wants a groveling lover. No one likes desperation and you have reached well and beyond that point. You are simply grasping for foothold that only he thinks he can give you. Change your direction and go another course."

That made Lil blink then frown. "Groveling? I'm not groveling! I haven't spoken to the man in over four months! How is that groveling?? I did do something drastic - I told him to fuck himself and the robot and that I was moving out! I moved to another country so I could achieve what I wanted. Alpha Flight. He wanted me out of the Program and I did it his way for three years but no more. I have made change. I left to show him I wasn't taking his crap anymore and he called me! He called me, Manuel." She didn't know how to stress the importance of that. Maddy had reached out on their anniversary and she'd been too chicken to pick up the phone - something that very well could have cost her what was left of her marriage.

"If you are doing it, making that change,then why are you strung out by the possibility of a failed marriage? It does not reflect you but him. You desire this change, however you know you cannot change him. He reached out to you and you buckled. Look at you, you are a mess because of it."

"I'm a mess because he reached out," the giantess growled under her breath, turning to land another hard punch to the center of the bag. "I'm a mess because I can't get the damn idea outta my head that he reached out because he is getting help. Fucking hope. I know if I call him back that ain't gonna be it and I'm only gonna get hurt more." But what if? What if he had gone to Heather and Mac for help because he wanted to fix their marriage and now thought she'd moved on because she hadn't answered the phone?

"Listen to me. Do what you are doing. Keep doing it. If this man loves you like you love him, and I cannot believe I am giving you advice on this, he will come for you. Whether or not you are there for him when he decides to finish his stupidity is an entirely different matter."

"You mean keep beating out the school's budget by breaking punching bags?"she answered, kicking it. "Telling me to keep doing what I'm doing isn't much help when it means I'm still pissed off and apparently projecting my emotions enough to get you crawling up my ass. And it doesn't tell me what to do about Bishop." Another kick. Another punch and the loneliness came to the front.

He ignored her last comment about him crawling up places he would never initially be.

That feeling resonated off him like a lone wolf howling to the mood and he steeled himself against it, rebuilding his shielding to a minimal level. He could still feel her but he would not be what she was feeling. "The first option was to leave, go back and assess what it is you are missing from him. You cannot do that from here. Bishop can wait. He is reasonable if you explain your situation without breaking something."

Lil rolled her eyes and took another long sip from her water bottle. "I don't need to leave to know what it is I am missing. Companionship. Someone in the bed next to me at night. Sex. Connecting with someone on that level. I don't care how fucking sappy it sounds but there is a part of me that's missing. There's a... hole." She shook her head then plopped down onto her rear on the mat. "I miss the man I've spent seven years with even if those seven years weren't all good."

Leaning forward, he picked up his cane and rolled it sideways, dangling off two fingers. "What is it you really want to do? Choose between what you do or who you do? I suppose my question is how deep of a connection do you have with Madison as opposed to Bishop?"

The blonde woman's frown deepened. "How am I supposed to compare the feelings I have for a man I've known for four months to those I have for a man I've known for seven years. Madison is my husband. I love him even if I don't like what he's become. Bishop... makes me feel happy," Lil summarized. "He makes me feel like a woman and wanted while having the potential for more. But I can't let that happen if there's still a chance with Maddy." Because sleeping with Bishop would quite possibly burn whatever shaky bridge still existed between the pair of Canadians also well as burn the ex-cop in the process.

"There are countless times where a new person strolls into your life and knows you better than someone who has been there for 12 years. I am not saying this is that particular situation however, it does happen. You are going in circles on me and I am more confused with your words than your emotions. This is why I insist that you take a week, go see what it is your are missing and if anything has indeed changed with him."

Blinking owlishly, Lil got back to her feet. "You're the one talking me into circles! You told me to leave and then to keep doing what I'm doing and now to leave again!" Scowling, she ticked off the points on her fingers. "Madison called and left me a message telling me to call him. I don't wanna call him because I'm afraid of what he's gonna say because I still fucking love him and aren't ready to let go because I know my husband is still somewhere deep inside that rotted brain. All you've helped convince me off is that I should probably pull the plug on me and Bishop and that I should never listen to your advice again."

"I stand by my original statement. Go see your husband, put your current on hold and tell him the situation. Emotionally, you are running yourself into the ground. While you may believe it is healthy, I am fairly certain on a psychological level, it is not. Do I have to put you on a plane to figure things out?"

"No." Lil shook her head and after swallowing the rest of her water, tossed the bottle into her bag. "You don't have to put me on a plane." Only because she wasn't going. Every time she and Madison had split, she was always the one who had to bridge the gap. Not this time. This time he had to know she was serious and wasn't going to crawl back to him when things got rocky.

Manuel did have a point about the emotional turmoil she'd gotten herself into. Hiding hadn't helped. The gym was a bit but no where near what she'd hoped for. Lil's mind recalled the email invitation she'd received from Cammie. Maybe it was time to take the girl up on her offer. Focusing back on the empath, the blonde frowned as she arched a brow. "Anything else you wanna complain about before I go shower?"

On that note, he was definitely not counseling material. First and last attempt. For an empath, he had quite a problem sympathizing and got up, firmly planting the foot of his cane on the ground. "You're blonde and you're mentally exhausting. Need I say more?"

"Nothing I didn't already know," Lil replied before tossing her bag over her shoulder and heading out of the gym.