Bishop and Lil

[x-diamondlil.livejournal.com]

Bishop stops by Lil's room and the pair come to a decision about their relationshop.


It had been far too long since Bishop had seen Lil; several weeks, in fact. His favor to Izzy made it a lot longer between visits then he had planned and expending all his energy reserves kept him tired and slow for a while as well. Finally he was ready to pick up his time at the mansion training and that meant going to see Lil. He even arrived early so he could see her first. He hadn't even heard much from her but he saw the look on her face when he seemed hurt and he felt he should let he see he was fine.

Lounging on the couch with coffee and a magazine (and a couple of cookies from Amara's recent baking marathon) couldn't sound more perfect. With everything that had happened in the past few weeks, - and the craziness of the night before's celebrations - Lil was still decompressing, finding her feet, especially when it came to the crossroads she was facing. A little sigh and the Amazon flipped through the pages, focusing more on the pictures than the articles while wishing there was someway in Hell she could manage to pull off even half the looks listed as being in style.

Bishop stepped up to Lil's door, knocking lightly. He didn't know if she would be in or not but he knew she didn't have anything usually scheduled for the time. At least, she hadn't a few weeks ago. After thinking about it, he decided he should announce himself, in case it was just Amara there. They had an awkward run in last time. "It's Bishop."

The call of 'it's open' died on her lips when his voice followed the knock, causing Lil's stomach to tighten - and not particularly in a good way. "Coming," the blonde replied, climbing off the couch and after a quick glance in the mirror, pulled open the door. "Hiya," she greeted with a small smile, steeling herself against the rush of emotions that flooded her brain. "Did I forget a shooting lesson or something?"

The chilly reply caught Bishop a little off guard but he hid it well. "I was just coming by to see you. I had been too busy." He could see that Lil was dealing with a bit just like he was; he'd let her take the lead to decide how they were about to interact.

"Oh. Okay," the blonde woman answered, tossing her long hair back over her shoulder as she took a step back and opened the door wider to allow him room to enter. "Things get busy; just the way life is," Lil chuckled dryly. She felt as if she'd just been dropped off a forty story building; lust, confusion, sadness all swirled chaotically and made it hard to actually concentrate on the fact that he was actually there. "Wanna a drink or something? Amara made cookies..."

"Coffee would be good." Bishop stepped in even though the welcome wasn't exactly warm. He knew she was dealing with things that he had been ignoring and she hadn't asked to talk about. With some of her Canadian friends around he thought that she would people more informed then him to talk to until she decided what she wanted to do about her situation.

Another small smile and she gestured to the couch in a motion to get comfortable then turned and walked to the kitchen area. As she moved, Lil's eyes slid shut and she took a deep breath for balance. At least he had more guts than Madison did. Her motions were deliberately slow as she started the coffee then set up another mug before turning to face him again when she leaned back against the counter. "It's gonna take a few minutes," the blonde told Bishop, wringing her hands.

Bishop sat on the couch as guided, "That's fine. I'm not in a rush." He shot her a small, sweet smile. He couldn't do much to comfort her at the moment but he wanted to do what he could. Lil clearly had a lot on her mind and he hoped that him just being around would help, even if they didn't talk about anything particularly deep.

The golden head bobbed and she stuck a few cookies on a plate before carrying it over to the coffee table and plopping down on the couch next to him. Lil wasn't prepared for any sort of confrontation. Ignore what you can't hit to solve. Lil sighed and brushed back a lock of hair from her face as the slipped into an uncomfortable silence.

The silence was left to linger by Bishop. He just sat with her, his body language open in case she decided she needed to talk or needed affection. Otherwise he wouldn't press anything. It was important, he thought, for people to take things at their own pace.

Running her hand under her nose, Lil continued to chew on her bottom lip while fighting the conflicting emotions that battle for control. The need to touch him. The desire to flee. To close her eyes and just wish it all away. The cookies went untouched and instead, Lil wrapped her fingers around the place where her wedding ring once rested. "This isn't working," she said at length without meeting his eyes. "And I don't know if it's gonna."

The man was more than observant enough to see the finger she played with. He could respect her desire to work on her previous relationship; she was far more committed to that. "If you still need to practice anything, I'd still be glad to help. I know there aren't many around that can stand up to you." It was the best peace offering he could think of. He didn't want her to feel bad.

Green eyes slid shut and a pained expression marred her face. He sounded as if he'd been expecting it. Still, the lack of the fight she'd been expecting, the questions and the determination to change her mind landed like a punch to her gut but solidified her decision. She wasn't the only one who hadn't called or emailed so obviously there were questions or waning interests on his side as well. "I'll let you know," Lil said in a shaky voice, still squeezing her fingers. "I'm sorry," she added when she could think of nothing else to say.

"I'll be around if things change, too." Bishop stood. He could see she was hurting and he figured him being there was part of it. He wasn't one to try and change some one's mind. He respected people's decisions more than that. She knew far more about her life and what would be right for it than he did.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Lil swore under her breath before standing up as well. This time she did look at him, eyes hot and full of tears. Another man who was content to let her walk out of his life with little more than a few words. Way to pick them, Lillian, she scolded herself before gesturing for him to wait a minutes as she disappeared into her room and came out with the webcam, complete with box, that he'd given her for Valentine's Day. "We never used it. Should be able to get your money back and if not, you'll have more use for it than me," the blonde told Bishop as she held it out.

He responded by stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I don't take gifts back. In fact, I won't stop giving them either, more than likely." That was much more his style then arguing. Bishop was one to just be stubborn and keep giving gifts and asking girls on dates even when they don't show interest or reject him. It was a much easier way of not actually addressing the problem.

Her brow drew in confusion after she put the camera on the table. "Won't stop? What do you mean?

"You look sad. Gifts help. It helps me to give them to." Bishop had a habit of talking much less during situations like this. The more people said the more information they gave away and the worse things usually got.

"I look 'sad' because I'm giving up one of the few things that's truly made me happy in the past year," Lil replied with a frown. "I still love him. A lot. And I can't let myself burn that bridge completely when there is still a chance for Madison and I. But..." The Canadian's voice trailed off while her fingers lifted to gently brush over his wrist. "The way you've made me feel, like I'm worth being paid attention to again, I can't be more grateful for that."

"I'll be around for a while. If things change then you can always let me know." Bishop wanted to make sure she would still feel that way, even while she decided to take a different path.

The blonde woman swallowed hard, her eyes flashing with sorrow again. "I don't want to give this up, give you up, but it's not fair to you," Lil said, her shoulders dropping. "Madison is always going to be there in the shadows of my life. Seven years is a long time but I don't want to be stuck in the past either." There was frustration in her voice but it wasn't directed at the man in front of her. "I just don't know what to do, Lucas. I would love to make this work between us because I do like you and I like what we have but I can't let myself lead you into something that's going to end badly."

"I don't want it to end badly for you. If this is what's best for the moment, that's fine. I'll still be around for a while if things change." It was Lil's choice, in Bishop's mind, and he wanted to support her; that was an important part of relationships and friendships.

Lil shook her head and took a step back from the former cop even as her body screamed to draw closer and take comfort in his arms. "You don't even know how completely frustrating you are! I'm trying to have a conversation with you, Lucas, but that doesn't work when all you keep saying is 'whatever you want.' I wanna know what you want! I wanna know if this is gonna be worth whatever the future holds not that you'll go with whatever I decide."

"You want me to decide what you should do with your life?" And she said he was frustrating. "You already know what I want because I've been doing it. This one isn't my choice."

"I don't want you to decide what I should do," Lil bit, fighting the urge to throw something at him. "I wanna have a conversation about it. A discussion. I wanna talk and try and figure this damn thing out not make decisions for each other. I wanna know how you feel; I wanna hear you say what you want, knowing that if Madison were to show up tomorrow that I would be trying my damnedest to work things out with him. Relationships aren't about what one person wants and I need you to tell me what you're thinking and feeling about this whole thing instead of just standing there with your hands in your pockets, letting me ramble on like a crazy person!"

"What I have to say is that if you're not ready to divorce your husband then you probably aren't ready to be dating... but I think you are ready to be dating and you're ready to leave him to, you're probably just too stubborn to do it because you think it's admitting some sort of defeat. Relationships aren't a contest, though." Breaking his rule about speaking very little, Bishop was sure that wouldn't go over well.

The Canadian's jaw clenched as she listened to him, willing herself not to flinch at the stinging words. "He called me," Lil said simply when Bishop had finished. "On our anniversary a few weeks ago, Madison called me. Not for a divorce, not to ask me to come back to him but to talk. I didn't answer and instead I gotta listen to a message on an answering machine wishing me a happy anniversary and asking me to call back. It's not about admitting defeat," she continued, keeping her voice as steady as possible. "I'm not divorcing him because I still believe there is hope for us. It may not be a lot because he and I have put each other through hell these past few years but I can't let my husband go. Not yet. Not to indulge in some fling that's already started to come undone. Five months away from him can't compare to the seven years spent with him."

"Then I guess you're not ready to divorce him or be dating." Bishop said in a tone that suggested finality. "When you are, I'll be around. I'll stay in contact too, so that you can let me know." He didn't expect Lil to end up with her husband in the end. He'd seen a lot of relationships from his time on the force and, from the outside, he could spot when a ship was sunk.

Lil shook her head again and crossed her arms over her chest. She wasn't ready to give up on Madison - and wouldn't be for a long time. The fury she'd carried those first few months was waning into sadness, loneliness and defeat but his call had given her enough hope to cling to. "Then I guess I'm not," she replied, failing to keep the misery and confusion from her voice. "But it's probably best that we don't spend too much time together from now on." It pained her to say it, but it was true. The reason Lil was calling it quits between them, the real reason, was because she feared developing deeper feelings for the man standing before her which would only lead to more problems in the future.

“If you think that's best. I'll still be around though, if you need anything.” Bishop stepped to the door and opened it. He knew his presence was hurting her and the last thing he could do for her was step out before he made things worse.

She watched him leave in silence. Not a word. Not a sound. Not even a move to call him back. And she hated herself for it. Hated him, too, in the moment. Loneliness swelled again and once the door was closed, the blonde picked up the mug of cold, forgotten coffee. Flinging it at the hard wood, the cup shattered and showered the floor with broken glass to match her breaking heart. Lil swallowed down the tears she refused to let fall and marched into her room, leaving the mess - both physical and emotional - behind her.