Kevin & Jay | Sunday morning
Apr. 5th, 2009 11:24 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsSomeone's trying to avoid Kevin who, of course, wants to find out who it is.
The hallways had finally cleared out enough for Jay to walk through in peace, humming faintly to himself. It wasn't quite the normal hum that came from others, partially a growl, lower than he would have liked and probably not even remotely close to what would be a nice enjoyable sound to anyone else. It was hard to break the habit of singing and humming was as close as he could get to being pleasant on the ears. Quietly, he walked down the hallway, passing the empty classrooms as he went. With his hands shoved into the pockets of his holey tattered jeans, he walked on ahead, shrouded beneath his black hoodie and the blades of his wings hidden beneath.
Everything stopped when he saw Kevin.
His converse skidded against the floor as Jay turned his back on Kev, rolling off a door frame and disappearing into the room. Shit. His heart quickened the blood coursing through his veins and he pushed off his hood, brushing a hand over his face. Kevin? Here? What's he doing? The shaky hand raked through his hair and he tilted his head back against the wall he leaned on next to the door frame, closing his eyes and listening. Listening very carefully. Kevin always had a light step.
For the most part Kevin hadn't been paying attention. For the most part. He couldn't really ever stop paying attention because that way led to exploding people, which was never any good for anyone. Especially the exploded. What had caught his eye hadn't been anything particular about the way the person looked. It was the way the person moved. It was familiar but it was Wrong somehow that he couldn't place. It seemed stupid even in Kevin's head. He didn't even know who it'd been so how could he know it was wrong? Curiously, he followed the person's path into the room they'd very suddenly taken a detour into. What he found wasn't at all what he was expecting.
Kevin had been told that Jay was different. Yvette had told him about the skin and the eyes and the wings. He'd prepared himself for it mentally in a way. What Kevin hadn't been prepared for, however, was for Jay to still be oddly Jay. "You always seem to do that when Ah'm annoyin' you or you don't know what to do with me," he commented softly, his response directed to the way Jay's hand went through his hair. It was a typical nervous gesture that Kevin remembered all too vividly. Especially from when things had been monumentally Not Good between them for one reason or another. Maybe it was the focus on that one gesture but it narrowed Kevin's attention down to this being Jay. He almost didn't notice the skin or the eyes in a way. It was like looking at him in black and white for a moment while his brain caught up. It at least afforded him the ability to not stare or gape at Jay as if the blue skin and the yellow eyes made him a monster. Instead Kevin was looking at him the way he'd always looked at Jay, with a dumbfounded awe.
"Hoodie's new, though." Jay had never worn that much clothing if he didn't absolutely have to and even then absolutely have to wasn't something Kevin could recall happening if the musician wasn't outdoors while it was below zero.
His breath hitched and he opened his eyes, looking down at Kevin. It was the last person he'd thought he would see today and it came as a sudden surprise that he wasn't ready for nor wanting. It was all too plain to see that Jay didn't want to be there, didn't want Kevin to be there but he was fixed to the wall, searching those eyes behind the cover of his hair, the tips brushing his cheek bones. Kevin was too close, too suffocating for Jay and he resisted the impulse to shove his ex back five paces, if only to give himself some space.
It was true what they said, out of sight, out of mind and yet as Jay had told himself he'd been better off without Kevin, now he had trouble recalling why he ever thought that. A conflict of emotions coiled inside of him and his chest ached with a heavy weight in the still of his body. The disks pushed into his back and he pushed up against the wall, sliding up to his full height, trying to bare the burning intensity of Kevin's presence.
"What are you doing?" he frowned, shaking his head. What was Kevin doing here? Why was he here at all? And even though Jay asked, he'd always known that Kevin would come back.
"You just ran away like Ah was the FBI coming to haul you away and you ask me what Ah'm doin'?" He was kidding, right? Kevin's confusion over the question had distracted him from studying the person in front of him. Familiar but wrong. Kevin wanted to paint Jay back into all the right colors and had to remind himself that Jay wasn't a sculpture or a painting but a person. It seemed stupid to be thinking of Jay in those terms but it was hard not to. The blue of his skin kept reminding Kevin of the metal Yvette had told him Jay's wings had been replaced with.
Part of him wanted to see them, wanted to understand what changed even though he knew seeing wouldn't lend comprehension. And he worried. Jay wasn't happy. Jay was miserable. Jay was currently trying to burrow a hole through the wall to escape. Yet Kevin was fascinated with the idea of metal wings and worried he'd see beauty in something he was willing to bet his ex found only grotesque. He's not a sculpture, Kevin reminded himself. He probably wasn't cold either. Kevin had taken half a step forward, hand raising as if to find out but when he caught himself he froze.
Kevin took two steps back to make up for the intrusion he'd nearly just committed. "Sorry, 'Vette said you didn't want to see me. Ah didn't know it was you. If Ah did Ah wouldn't've followed. Ah just..." he shrugged helplessly. "Movement looked familiar and wanted to know who it was is all." His eyes fell for a moment. Kevin could practically feel Jay's need to escape from him pressing on him, compressing him where he stood. His hand that had been reaching for Jay moments ago had detoured to a chain that hung around his neck. He'd pulled it out without thinking about it, the little metal feather clasped in his hand.
He knew he was being studied, but it wasn't the way others looked at him. Most of them accepted the way Jay had turned and he had a certain amount of acceptance to it, though he was still managing through a greater loss, one he had never been able to part with - his voice. But he could see that look, that fascination turning over in Kevin's mind and the impulse to touch was nearly intercepted with a halting of his own hand.
"Well now you know." He knows who it was now, what Jay looked like and Kevin could see the changes, but Jay wasn't ashamed of them now. He was only mortified that his ex would see what he was now but wouldn't remember what he was then. For some reason, he wanted Kevin to remember him for what he was, recall the purity of his beautiful wings, how soft they were when he could touch them. He couldn't say how he was feeling, why there was a definite shake in his hands when he shoved them into the front of the hoodie pocket and looked away, biting his lip and sighing impatiently before directing his look back to what had been sorely missed.
"Done lookin' now?"
"No." The reply was honest and immediate. Kevin's eyes had moved downward not because he didn't want to stop looking at Jay but because he knew on some level that Jay didn't want to be looked at. It was one of those things that Kevin couldn't explain beyond knowing Jay well enough to get the gut instinct and know he should follow it. Or maybe he didn't know Jay anymore. Maybe the changes weren't just on the outside. Maybe he wasn't the same person anymore at all. The artist's eyes were defiant, though, as they moved upward to meet the yellow eyes staring back at him.
There was a minute of mourning as it sunk in a little more. It wasn't a mourning for who or what Jay had been exactly but a mourning for Jay's normalcy. It was one thing to have wings, it was another to look like this and for a moment Kevin wondered if Jay now thought he was the freak Kevin had always proclaimed himself to be. A title that Jay had loathed his then boyfriend ascribing to himself. Kevin worried maybe Jay had taken it on now but he wouldn't ask. Not yet. "You don't want me to look so Ah'll try not to. And you don't wanna see me so Ah'll disappear. Don't go foolin' yourself into thinking it's what Ah want, though. It was your job to push when a wall was up, remember? Wasn't ever a place Ah was comfortable bein'."
Kevin shifted, making to leave the room but he paused. Something pushed its way from the back of his mind to the forefront and it made him stop before he was even taking the first step to leave the room. "Ah owed you a date," he told Jay quietly, voice near a whisper. "Ah don't figure you'll be wantin' me to make good on that anymore, but Ah wanted you to know Ah didn't forget."
Those words stung and Jay turned his face away from Kevin. It was more than he could bare, he realized. He didn't think he would be this way when or if Kevin came back but there, standing there with what should have been his hurt more than he could handle. His eyes closed though Kevin couldn't see it, left only with the glaring fact that Jay would always have his back to Kevin now. "Can we just not do this?" he whispered, the tone grating against his ears. He knew how he really sounded and he firmly kept his mouth shut, if only to withhold the painful anguish that clawed up his throat.
How could he explain to Kevin that he was okay, that the changes were something he was working with and trying to rebuild when he fell so far from grace. He was faster now, stronger, better than before, but in the face of such an unhealthy relationship that they had, Jay found he still felt the same way about them. That Kevin could stir him up with just a look, a subtle gesture could disarm him and everything around him crumble to his ex walking away.
Kevin stared even though Jay had turned away. He stared in silence, committing the outline of the body to memory and mentally peeling away the hoodie that hid Jay away. One kind of hiding tended to lead to other kinds of hiding. Kevin was well versed in that. "Ah won't make you do it at all. It was just something Ah wanted you to know. So you didn't go getting stupid ideas in your head like Ah walked away 'cause Ah wanted to or Ah didn't ever care or whatever stupid thing you mighta made up in your head." 'Cause it was easier to make stuff like that up and convince yourself when you had all this other stuff to deal with. Kevin could understand that but he didn't want misinterpretations because he hadn't bothered to say something. Jay could go on thinking Kevin abandoned him if that was what he thought, so long as Kevin made it clear he hadn't then he'd be okay with that. Or as okay as he could be.
"Ah'll bring your guitar to your suite. You don't gotta open the door when Ah knock. Ah know you'll know it's me when you do." Because Jay could tell Kevin's footsteps and he could see tension in his shoulders even under four layers of clothing and he noticed things about Kevin that Kevin never noticed himself. He knew Jay's knock and the way he walked and his footstep and the way he felt curled up next to him in bed. It was engraved in Kevin's mind and he didn't doubt that Jay would know it was him at the door even if he didn't know. "Ah won't be offended or anything if you don't answer," he assured his ex, or tried to anyway. "Ah'll just leave it outside the door."
"Done lookin' now?"
"No." The reply was honest and immediate. Kevin's eyes had moved downward not because he didn't want to stop looking at Jay but because he knew on some level that Jay didn't want to be looked at. It was one of those things that Kevin couldn't explain beyond knowing Jay well enough to get the gut instinct and know he should follow it. Or maybe he didn't know Jay anymore. Maybe the changes weren't just on the outside. Maybe he wasn't the same person anymore at all. The artist's eyes were defiant, though, as they moved upward to meet the yellow eyes staring back at him.
There was a minute of mourning as it sunk in a little more. It wasn't a mourning for who or what Jay had been exactly but a mourning for Jay's normalcy. It was one thing to have wings, it was another to look like this and for a moment Kevin wondered if Jay now thought he was the freak Kevin had always proclaimed himself to be. A title that Jay had loathed his then boyfriend ascribing to himself. Kevin worried maybe Jay had taken it on now but he wouldn't ask. Not yet. "You don't want me to look so Ah'll try not to. And you don't wanna see me so Ah'll disappear. Don't go foolin' yourself into thinking it's what Ah want, though. It was your job to push when a wall was up, remember? Wasn't ever a place Ah was comfortable bein'."
Kevin shifted, making to leave the room but he paused. Something pushed its way from the back of his mind to the forefront and it made him stop before he was even taking the first step to leave the room. "Ah owed you a date," he told Jay quietly, voice near a whisper. "Ah don't figure you'll be wantin' me to make good on that anymore, but Ah wanted you to know Ah didn't forget."
Those words stung and Jay turned his face away from Kevin. It was more than he could bare, he realized. He didn't think he would be this way when or if Kevin came back but there, standing there with what should have been his hurt more than he could handle. His eyes closed though Kevin couldn't see it, left only with the glaring fact that Jay would always have his back to Kevin now. "Can we just not do this?" he whispered, the tone grating against his ears. He knew how he really sounded and he firmly kept his mouth shut, if only to withhold the painful anguish that clawed up his throat.
How could he explain to Kevin that he was okay, that the changes were something he was working with and trying to rebuild when he fell so far from grace. He was faster now, stronger, better than before, but in the face of such an unhealthy relationship that they had, Jay found he still felt the same way about them. That Kevin could stir him up with just a look, a subtle gesture could disarm him and everything around him crumble to his ex walking away.
Kevin stared even though Jay had turned away. He stared in silence, committing the outline of the body to memory and mentally peeling away the hoodie that hid Jay away. One kind of hiding tended to lead to other kinds of hiding. Kevin was well versed in that. "Ah won't make you do it at all. It was just something Ah wanted you to know. So you didn't go getting stupid ideas in your head like Ah walked away 'cause Ah wanted to or Ah didn't ever care or whatever stupid thing you mighta made up in your head." 'Cause it was easier to make stuff like that up and convince yourself when you had all this other stuff to deal with. Kevin could understand that but he didn't want misinterpretations because he hadn't bothered to say something. Jay could go on thinking Kevin abandoned him if that was what he thought, so long as Kevin made it clear he hadn't then he'd be okay with that. Or as okay as he could be.
"Ah'll bring your guitar to your suite. You don't gotta open the door when Ah knock. Ah know you'll know it's me when you do." Because Jay could tell Kevin's footsteps and he could see tension in his shoulders even under four layers of clothing and he noticed things about Kevin that Kevin never noticed himself. He knew Jay's knock and the way he walked and his footstep and the way he felt curled up next to him in bed. It was engraved in Kevin's mind and he didn't doubt that Jay would know it was him at the door even if he didn't know. "Ah won't be offended or anything if you don't answer," he assured his ex, or tried to anyway. "Ah'll just leave it outside the door."
It was always like this between them, that impulses were stronger than logic and Jay kept his face turned away from Kevin, biting his bottom lip. He knew every aspect of Kevin better than he'd know Kyle or Kevin Cabot. For all the time that they'd spent together, Jay knew Kevin's reactions better than he knew his own and it was unkind to himself to have all his senses tuned into the one person who stood simply two feet away. As much as Kevin could disarm him, he had as much to do with Jay's undoing and he could feel his resolve slipping.
It seemed to him that Kevin was closer than before, even if he'd taken two steps back and every part of Jay was aware of his breathing, of the shuffle of his foot and how his voice carried, telling Jay which way he was facing. All these things he hadn't noticed before, mostly running off instinct with other people, but here, he was acutely attuned to the proximity of Kevin's stance. There was this incredible magnetism between them, that knowing if he turned around, he wouldn't be able to say no. Kevin's rambling was all he could do to stand there and nod his head, taking his a shuddering breath before it caught in him again.
"Okay, that's fine," he choked, nodding again and still, he couldn't look at Kevin, if only because his eyes glistened.
Kevin finally let go of the feather pendant and tucked it back inside his shirt where no one would see it or know it was there. It was like Jay in a way, always there and always close but only where Kevin could feel him. The words, "I love you," were mouthed, the silent syllables falling from his lips unfinished. He was sure Jay didn't want to hear it. Or maybe part of Jay wanted to but Kevin was sure that made no difference. He was sure it was a bad idea and so he let the words out of his mouth but didn't allow them to reach Jay's ears.
Slowly Kevin nodded to himself. Then, feeling dismissed, he finally took a step toward the door. "Bye." There was finality in that one word and it stung. Kevin had no place here with this person anymore. He could feel it just as intensely as he could feel the urge to close the gap between them and kiss Jay until he realized not everything about him had changed and not everything in his life had to be changed either. There was a wall and whether or not they both wanted to broach it or not was inconsequential. He was kept at bay and Kevin would respect Jay's desire for him to be so. So he finally walked out the door with the intention of finding that sculpture he'd left on his last night in the mansion back in December. He wanted to be alone and he wanted to remember the pain he'd felt making that because even that pain was more comfortable than whatever this was.
The hallways had finally cleared out enough for Jay to walk through in peace, humming faintly to himself. It wasn't quite the normal hum that came from others, partially a growl, lower than he would have liked and probably not even remotely close to what would be a nice enjoyable sound to anyone else. It was hard to break the habit of singing and humming was as close as he could get to being pleasant on the ears. Quietly, he walked down the hallway, passing the empty classrooms as he went. With his hands shoved into the pockets of his holey tattered jeans, he walked on ahead, shrouded beneath his black hoodie and the blades of his wings hidden beneath.
Everything stopped when he saw Kevin.
His converse skidded against the floor as Jay turned his back on Kev, rolling off a door frame and disappearing into the room. Shit. His heart quickened the blood coursing through his veins and he pushed off his hood, brushing a hand over his face. Kevin? Here? What's he doing? The shaky hand raked through his hair and he tilted his head back against the wall he leaned on next to the door frame, closing his eyes and listening. Listening very carefully. Kevin always had a light step.
For the most part Kevin hadn't been paying attention. For the most part. He couldn't really ever stop paying attention because that way led to exploding people, which was never any good for anyone. Especially the exploded. What had caught his eye hadn't been anything particular about the way the person looked. It was the way the person moved. It was familiar but it was Wrong somehow that he couldn't place. It seemed stupid even in Kevin's head. He didn't even know who it'd been so how could he know it was wrong? Curiously, he followed the person's path into the room they'd very suddenly taken a detour into. What he found wasn't at all what he was expecting.
Kevin had been told that Jay was different. Yvette had told him about the skin and the eyes and the wings. He'd prepared himself for it mentally in a way. What Kevin hadn't been prepared for, however, was for Jay to still be oddly Jay. "You always seem to do that when Ah'm annoyin' you or you don't know what to do with me," he commented softly, his response directed to the way Jay's hand went through his hair. It was a typical nervous gesture that Kevin remembered all too vividly. Especially from when things had been monumentally Not Good between them for one reason or another. Maybe it was the focus on that one gesture but it narrowed Kevin's attention down to this being Jay. He almost didn't notice the skin or the eyes in a way. It was like looking at him in black and white for a moment while his brain caught up. It at least afforded him the ability to not stare or gape at Jay as if the blue skin and the yellow eyes made him a monster. Instead Kevin was looking at him the way he'd always looked at Jay, with a dumbfounded awe.
"Hoodie's new, though." Jay had never worn that much clothing if he didn't absolutely have to and even then absolutely have to wasn't something Kevin could recall happening if the musician wasn't outdoors while it was below zero.
His breath hitched and he opened his eyes, looking down at Kevin. It was the last person he'd thought he would see today and it came as a sudden surprise that he wasn't ready for nor wanting. It was all too plain to see that Jay didn't want to be there, didn't want Kevin to be there but he was fixed to the wall, searching those eyes behind the cover of his hair, the tips brushing his cheek bones. Kevin was too close, too suffocating for Jay and he resisted the impulse to shove his ex back five paces, if only to give himself some space.
It was true what they said, out of sight, out of mind and yet as Jay had told himself he'd been better off without Kevin, now he had trouble recalling why he ever thought that. A conflict of emotions coiled inside of him and his chest ached with a heavy weight in the still of his body. The disks pushed into his back and he pushed up against the wall, sliding up to his full height, trying to bare the burning intensity of Kevin's presence.
"What are you doing?" he frowned, shaking his head. What was Kevin doing here? Why was he here at all? And even though Jay asked, he'd always known that Kevin would come back.
"You just ran away like Ah was the FBI coming to haul you away and you ask me what Ah'm doin'?" He was kidding, right? Kevin's confusion over the question had distracted him from studying the person in front of him. Familiar but wrong. Kevin wanted to paint Jay back into all the right colors and had to remind himself that Jay wasn't a sculpture or a painting but a person. It seemed stupid to be thinking of Jay in those terms but it was hard not to. The blue of his skin kept reminding Kevin of the metal Yvette had told him Jay's wings had been replaced with.
Part of him wanted to see them, wanted to understand what changed even though he knew seeing wouldn't lend comprehension. And he worried. Jay wasn't happy. Jay was miserable. Jay was currently trying to burrow a hole through the wall to escape. Yet Kevin was fascinated with the idea of metal wings and worried he'd see beauty in something he was willing to bet his ex found only grotesque. He's not a sculpture, Kevin reminded himself. He probably wasn't cold either. Kevin had taken half a step forward, hand raising as if to find out but when he caught himself he froze.
Kevin took two steps back to make up for the intrusion he'd nearly just committed. "Sorry, 'Vette said you didn't want to see me. Ah didn't know it was you. If Ah did Ah wouldn't've followed. Ah just..." he shrugged helplessly. "Movement looked familiar and wanted to know who it was is all." His eyes fell for a moment. Kevin could practically feel Jay's need to escape from him pressing on him, compressing him where he stood. His hand that had been reaching for Jay moments ago had detoured to a chain that hung around his neck. He'd pulled it out without thinking about it, the little metal feather clasped in his hand.
He knew he was being studied, but it wasn't the way others looked at him. Most of them accepted the way Jay had turned and he had a certain amount of acceptance to it, though he was still managing through a greater loss, one he had never been able to part with - his voice. But he could see that look, that fascination turning over in Kevin's mind and the impulse to touch was nearly intercepted with a halting of his own hand.
"Well now you know." He knows who it was now, what Jay looked like and Kevin could see the changes, but Jay wasn't ashamed of them now. He was only mortified that his ex would see what he was now but wouldn't remember what he was then. For some reason, he wanted Kevin to remember him for what he was, recall the purity of his beautiful wings, how soft they were when he could touch them. He couldn't say how he was feeling, why there was a definite shake in his hands when he shoved them into the front of the hoodie pocket and looked away, biting his lip and sighing impatiently before directing his look back to what had been sorely missed.
"Done lookin' now?"
"No." The reply was honest and immediate. Kevin's eyes had moved downward not because he didn't want to stop looking at Jay but because he knew on some level that Jay didn't want to be looked at. It was one of those things that Kevin couldn't explain beyond knowing Jay well enough to get the gut instinct and know he should follow it. Or maybe he didn't know Jay anymore. Maybe the changes weren't just on the outside. Maybe he wasn't the same person anymore at all. The artist's eyes were defiant, though, as they moved upward to meet the yellow eyes staring back at him.
There was a minute of mourning as it sunk in a little more. It wasn't a mourning for who or what Jay had been exactly but a mourning for Jay's normalcy. It was one thing to have wings, it was another to look like this and for a moment Kevin wondered if Jay now thought he was the freak Kevin had always proclaimed himself to be. A title that Jay had loathed his then boyfriend ascribing to himself. Kevin worried maybe Jay had taken it on now but he wouldn't ask. Not yet. "You don't want me to look so Ah'll try not to. And you don't wanna see me so Ah'll disappear. Don't go foolin' yourself into thinking it's what Ah want, though. It was your job to push when a wall was up, remember? Wasn't ever a place Ah was comfortable bein'."
Kevin shifted, making to leave the room but he paused. Something pushed its way from the back of his mind to the forefront and it made him stop before he was even taking the first step to leave the room. "Ah owed you a date," he told Jay quietly, voice near a whisper. "Ah don't figure you'll be wantin' me to make good on that anymore, but Ah wanted you to know Ah didn't forget."
Those words stung and Jay turned his face away from Kevin. It was more than he could bare, he realized. He didn't think he would be this way when or if Kevin came back but there, standing there with what should have been his hurt more than he could handle. His eyes closed though Kevin couldn't see it, left only with the glaring fact that Jay would always have his back to Kevin now. "Can we just not do this?" he whispered, the tone grating against his ears. He knew how he really sounded and he firmly kept his mouth shut, if only to withhold the painful anguish that clawed up his throat.
How could he explain to Kevin that he was okay, that the changes were something he was working with and trying to rebuild when he fell so far from grace. He was faster now, stronger, better than before, but in the face of such an unhealthy relationship that they had, Jay found he still felt the same way about them. That Kevin could stir him up with just a look, a subtle gesture could disarm him and everything around him crumble to his ex walking away.
Kevin stared even though Jay had turned away. He stared in silence, committing the outline of the body to memory and mentally peeling away the hoodie that hid Jay away. One kind of hiding tended to lead to other kinds of hiding. Kevin was well versed in that. "Ah won't make you do it at all. It was just something Ah wanted you to know. So you didn't go getting stupid ideas in your head like Ah walked away 'cause Ah wanted to or Ah didn't ever care or whatever stupid thing you mighta made up in your head." 'Cause it was easier to make stuff like that up and convince yourself when you had all this other stuff to deal with. Kevin could understand that but he didn't want misinterpretations because he hadn't bothered to say something. Jay could go on thinking Kevin abandoned him if that was what he thought, so long as Kevin made it clear he hadn't then he'd be okay with that. Or as okay as he could be.
"Ah'll bring your guitar to your suite. You don't gotta open the door when Ah knock. Ah know you'll know it's me when you do." Because Jay could tell Kevin's footsteps and he could see tension in his shoulders even under four layers of clothing and he noticed things about Kevin that Kevin never noticed himself. He knew Jay's knock and the way he walked and his footstep and the way he felt curled up next to him in bed. It was engraved in Kevin's mind and he didn't doubt that Jay would know it was him at the door even if he didn't know. "Ah won't be offended or anything if you don't answer," he assured his ex, or tried to anyway. "Ah'll just leave it outside the door."
"Done lookin' now?"
"No." The reply was honest and immediate. Kevin's eyes had moved downward not because he didn't want to stop looking at Jay but because he knew on some level that Jay didn't want to be looked at. It was one of those things that Kevin couldn't explain beyond knowing Jay well enough to get the gut instinct and know he should follow it. Or maybe he didn't know Jay anymore. Maybe the changes weren't just on the outside. Maybe he wasn't the same person anymore at all. The artist's eyes were defiant, though, as they moved upward to meet the yellow eyes staring back at him.
There was a minute of mourning as it sunk in a little more. It wasn't a mourning for who or what Jay had been exactly but a mourning for Jay's normalcy. It was one thing to have wings, it was another to look like this and for a moment Kevin wondered if Jay now thought he was the freak Kevin had always proclaimed himself to be. A title that Jay had loathed his then boyfriend ascribing to himself. Kevin worried maybe Jay had taken it on now but he wouldn't ask. Not yet. "You don't want me to look so Ah'll try not to. And you don't wanna see me so Ah'll disappear. Don't go foolin' yourself into thinking it's what Ah want, though. It was your job to push when a wall was up, remember? Wasn't ever a place Ah was comfortable bein'."
Kevin shifted, making to leave the room but he paused. Something pushed its way from the back of his mind to the forefront and it made him stop before he was even taking the first step to leave the room. "Ah owed you a date," he told Jay quietly, voice near a whisper. "Ah don't figure you'll be wantin' me to make good on that anymore, but Ah wanted you to know Ah didn't forget."
Those words stung and Jay turned his face away from Kevin. It was more than he could bare, he realized. He didn't think he would be this way when or if Kevin came back but there, standing there with what should have been his hurt more than he could handle. His eyes closed though Kevin couldn't see it, left only with the glaring fact that Jay would always have his back to Kevin now. "Can we just not do this?" he whispered, the tone grating against his ears. He knew how he really sounded and he firmly kept his mouth shut, if only to withhold the painful anguish that clawed up his throat.
How could he explain to Kevin that he was okay, that the changes were something he was working with and trying to rebuild when he fell so far from grace. He was faster now, stronger, better than before, but in the face of such an unhealthy relationship that they had, Jay found he still felt the same way about them. That Kevin could stir him up with just a look, a subtle gesture could disarm him and everything around him crumble to his ex walking away.
Kevin stared even though Jay had turned away. He stared in silence, committing the outline of the body to memory and mentally peeling away the hoodie that hid Jay away. One kind of hiding tended to lead to other kinds of hiding. Kevin was well versed in that. "Ah won't make you do it at all. It was just something Ah wanted you to know. So you didn't go getting stupid ideas in your head like Ah walked away 'cause Ah wanted to or Ah didn't ever care or whatever stupid thing you mighta made up in your head." 'Cause it was easier to make stuff like that up and convince yourself when you had all this other stuff to deal with. Kevin could understand that but he didn't want misinterpretations because he hadn't bothered to say something. Jay could go on thinking Kevin abandoned him if that was what he thought, so long as Kevin made it clear he hadn't then he'd be okay with that. Or as okay as he could be.
"Ah'll bring your guitar to your suite. You don't gotta open the door when Ah knock. Ah know you'll know it's me when you do." Because Jay could tell Kevin's footsteps and he could see tension in his shoulders even under four layers of clothing and he noticed things about Kevin that Kevin never noticed himself. He knew Jay's knock and the way he walked and his footstep and the way he felt curled up next to him in bed. It was engraved in Kevin's mind and he didn't doubt that Jay would know it was him at the door even if he didn't know. "Ah won't be offended or anything if you don't answer," he assured his ex, or tried to anyway. "Ah'll just leave it outside the door."
It was always like this between them, that impulses were stronger than logic and Jay kept his face turned away from Kevin, biting his bottom lip. He knew every aspect of Kevin better than he'd know Kyle or Kevin Cabot. For all the time that they'd spent together, Jay knew Kevin's reactions better than he knew his own and it was unkind to himself to have all his senses tuned into the one person who stood simply two feet away. As much as Kevin could disarm him, he had as much to do with Jay's undoing and he could feel his resolve slipping.
It seemed to him that Kevin was closer than before, even if he'd taken two steps back and every part of Jay was aware of his breathing, of the shuffle of his foot and how his voice carried, telling Jay which way he was facing. All these things he hadn't noticed before, mostly running off instinct with other people, but here, he was acutely attuned to the proximity of Kevin's stance. There was this incredible magnetism between them, that knowing if he turned around, he wouldn't be able to say no. Kevin's rambling was all he could do to stand there and nod his head, taking his a shuddering breath before it caught in him again.
"Okay, that's fine," he choked, nodding again and still, he couldn't look at Kevin, if only because his eyes glistened.
Kevin finally let go of the feather pendant and tucked it back inside his shirt where no one would see it or know it was there. It was like Jay in a way, always there and always close but only where Kevin could feel him. The words, "I love you," were mouthed, the silent syllables falling from his lips unfinished. He was sure Jay didn't want to hear it. Or maybe part of Jay wanted to but Kevin was sure that made no difference. He was sure it was a bad idea and so he let the words out of his mouth but didn't allow them to reach Jay's ears.
Slowly Kevin nodded to himself. Then, feeling dismissed, he finally took a step toward the door. "Bye." There was finality in that one word and it stung. Kevin had no place here with this person anymore. He could feel it just as intensely as he could feel the urge to close the gap between them and kiss Jay until he realized not everything about him had changed and not everything in his life had to be changed either. There was a wall and whether or not they both wanted to broach it or not was inconsequential. He was kept at bay and Kevin would respect Jay's desire for him to be so. So he finally walked out the door with the intention of finding that sculpture he'd left on his last night in the mansion back in December. He wanted to be alone and he wanted to remember the pain he'd felt making that because even that pain was more comfortable than whatever this was.
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