Returning lost treasures; Jay & Kevin
Apr. 8th, 2009 11:38 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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xp_logsKevin returns the guitar Jay's father gave him and the pair get into it again, eventually coming to a decision neither wanted to make.
Two days had lapsed. It wasn't because Kevin was prolonging the inevitable. It wasn't because he was particularly busy with his schedule of popping in to see Leo, hanging out with Yvette and working to steadily diminish the pile of metal in the shop. Days had lapsed because he thought it was fair. Maybe he'd misjudged. Maybe what would have been fair would have been to keep an eye on when his ex had left, leave the guitar outside the door and split before Jay would have to be bothered with him. Instead Kevin had given it two days for the memory of their meeting to fade to a duller, more muted place in Jay's memory. It was an effort to help the sting of their accidental collision numb for both of them. Then again, things never quite numbed the way they had ought to between them.
It was late when Kevin finally thought he could get away with it. He hadn't been much bothered to adjust from California time so he'd been up until nearly two or three in the morning and sleeping until noon or later every day since his arrival in New York. It made the half past midnight drop easy to be awake for, at the very least. Kevin padded along the corridors in socks so he didn't disturb any of the residents with more sensitive hearing if he could help it. The familiar door seemed to loom in front of him, growing impossibly large in his mind's eye. Kevin imagined it would open with a gaping mouth and swallow him if he lingered too long, yet he didn't move. He counted heartbeats as he stood there and just stared at the door. Then, for no apparent reason, he just decided it was time to say goodbye and be done with it so he left the guitar case balanced on its side on the floor in front of the door. A moment of thought made him realize it was possible some half-awake or half-drunk person could trip over so he took the time to slide it back until it rested against the door with a very light thud. That was it, the last part he had that he would give back.
The door opened, sliding the guitar inside the dark room but a blue hand caught it before it fell to the ground. Jay opened the door more and took the guitar in, but he was sure that it wasn't the guitar Kevin was worried about. Behind him, his metal wings loomed like a pair of guardians, moving in time to the rise and fall of his chest, taking in a shuddering breath. He was trying to control the impulses he got of a confrontation he'd half expected to be at the door. Not because he had known it was Kevin, but that he had known someone was at the door. Someone who shouldn't be.
The guitar was rested against the wall and he regarded Kevin with a keen eye, cunning in instinct but flickered a moment later, like a switch turning off and the wings visibly relaxed. He was never one for clothing and wouldn't have stood out like this in front of Kevin, not ever but now, he was bare for his ex to see, all except the pyjama bottoms covering him up. He thought to point out that most normal people would come in broad daylight that they would knock or actually give some sign that they were leaving something at the door, but not Kevin, not them. They were made of the night, had always been, rousing in the darkness, watching each other in bed. Kevin knew when not to bother Jay and likewise, Jay knew when not to bother Kevin, though given, he use to push Kevin's boundaries, now, he felt he didn't need to. Nor did he want to.
"Kev," he started, shaking his head with a sigh.
Kevin's brain did that black and white thing it had done days before, seeing Jay in shades of grey because the real colors were all wrong. They weren't bad, they were just wrong. So many things were wrong, really. Dwelling on those things was no good, though. You accepted things and moved on. Easier said than done but Kevin was trying. The greyscale in his mind faded and the blue slowly leeched back into Kevin's vision. It wasn't bad just...new. Kevin was beginning to think he was maybe not such a fan of the concept of new in general. What was wrong with old? What was wrong with familiar? If only the world would just stop for a bit and stop changing things so he could recalibrate, but that would never happen.
He was so busy thinking that Kevin hadn't even realized he'd been staring at the wings. They reminded him of Cessily in a way. Sleek and shining, bouncing any ambient light off of them so they glistened. And they moved. It was hard not to watch them as they mirrored Jay's breathing, a rhythm Kevin was all too familiar with. They begged you to draw nearer but they looked dangerous. These wings were not the safe, feathered wings that had stretched out and occasionally curled around him as the pair had slept together months ago. These were menacing despite their beauty, cruel and cold and they matched Jay in a way that Kevin found unsettling.
The artist forced his attention away from the wings and to the yellow eyes peering at him. Did Jay realize how distracting he was when he was like that? Suddenly Kevin missed that black hoodie. "You didn't want to see me," Kevin reminded Jay in a voice more quiet than usual due to the hour and his position outside of people's doors. "Ah didn't wanna bug you. That's all. Figured you'd get what you wanted in the morning instead." Though he wasn't really sure what he had done to earn Jay shaking his head at him like that. And he wasn't sure why Jay was still using a nickname when he wanted to avoid the guy. Nicknames denoted fondness, avoidance was pretty much the opposite of that. The cruelly beautiful wings were less confusing than the person they were attached to.
"God Kev, you're worse than Paige," Jay scolded though his tone was quiet, affectionate and he ducked his wings under the door frame, turning slightly to close the door quietly. He didn't want to wake Dani. The door knob clicked shut and he turned around only to see Kevin staring at him with some fascination, similar to Forge. One was an artist, the other a mechanical genius but both had the starry eyed, faraway look, taking in every detail that they possibly could. There was a hunger there with Kevin though, one that couldn't be satisfied with just a single night of taking his ex in. He could see that Kevin wanted to absorb the details faster, burn them to memory so he could rewrite them through a rendition of what he saw before him. It was just that it embarrassed Jay and he ran a hand through his hair, flustered at the attention.
"Don't be silly, course Ah wanna see you." He just wasn't expecting it the other day and the sudden weight of Kevin's arrival had momentarily turned over Jay's world. It'd hurt to see Kevin then, only because he hadn't mentally been prepared for it, putting off dealing with that part of his life for a time. "Thanks for returnin' the guitar," he nodded, looking down at the floor. Despite his sheepish behaviour, his body hadn't withdrawn completely but Jay ignored that and the obvious of what it did to him. Kevin had seen it enough that they were past stuff like that. Or at least that was what he told himself, smirking faintly.
He was in a much better frame of mind, that two days allowing for him to accept, adapt and be okay with them, but it meant that he had to let go to a certain degree of their relationship. Or at least that's what he wanted when he was away from Kevin. It was a whole other story when Kevin was standing before him, his eyes crawling over every aspect, nook and cranny of his body. "Kev," he started again, tilting his head up and bit his lip, trying not to make his discomfort so obvious. "Kev, you're starin'..."
"Sorry." The word was mumbled even though Kevin rarely, if ever, mumbled at all and he didn't sound particularly apologetic... He immediately dropped his eyes but now that he wasn't staring at Jay his brain was replaying that flash of Jay's back. Spine's supposed to be on the inside, he thought, the image blazing back into his brain. Trying to force the image he was having tunnel vision with out of his mind, Kevin focused back on what was in front of him. Though what was in front of him was staring back and pants didn't make that shape of their own accord. Right, staring's not so rude if you stare higher up," he told himself and looked back up at Jay's eyes.
The need to put his own thoughts out of his mind forced words to his lips before he could edit what they were saying. "Was part of being blue turning bipolar or gettin' multiple personalities or somethin'? 'Cause Yvette was all 'bout how you didn't want to see me or have anything to do with me even when Ah was gonna come back 'cause you ended up bein' found alive. And then the other day... and now you say you wanna see me? Look, sorry, but could ya make up your mind or somethin' already? Ah'm just not complicated enough for the hot and cold here. Go hot or go cold but pick one so Ah can acclimate already." Maybe that wasn't the best idea but now the words were out and he couldn't exactly take them back. Kevin's face remained defiant but he cringed inwardly at the things he'd just said.
Jay looked down and his face tightened at the words. "You think Ah wanted to see you the other day, wanted you to see me like this? Look again Kev, cause this ain't what Ah wanted between us. Ah didn't want you to see me like this," he explained. "Ah wanted you to remember me the way Ah was, not the way Ah am, but you just can't stay away, yanno? And now you're lookin' at me like this and it's confusin'. Like when you weren't here, Ah knew what Ah wanted. Ah was okay with all this, but with you here, it threw me off a bit. So, like, Ah'm tryin' to figure out if Ah can handle you here, starin at me like that, or am Ah gonna have to let you go, tell you to bugger off and be done with it?" he ran a hand over his eye, and raked it through his hair, unable to break that habit, especially when he was around Kevin. He just seemed to do it more.
It didn't help him any that Kevin's eyes fixed themselves on certain aspects of his body. "Look," he said with a sigh, placing a hand on his side and ran his hand down his face. Finding the right words for Kevin was almost impossible. He knew whatever he would say would be taken the wrong way, either one dramatic way or another. He just didn't know where to go with it at this point. "Ah'm dealing with too much right now," he said honestly. "It's wearin' me down but Ah don't want you to take off again and not hear from me." He reached out, curled his hand in hesitation and then slowly paced it on Kevin's shoulder, squeezing it affectionately. He wanted Kevin to know that he was important, that Jay wanted him in his life but that he didn't know how to find the words to tell him that without making it complicated between them, so instead, he opted to say nothing, but let the voice in his expression speak for him.
Kevin gave Jay a long, unblinking, vacant look. The expression didn't change when he finally spoke and he didn't pull away from the hand on his shoulder though he ignored it. "What's wrong with the way you look?" Maybe it was a stupid question but it was obvious from the way he said it that Kevin had meant it. Yeah, he kept thinking it was wrong but it wasn't bad, it was just misplaced. It was like someone else's skin had been put on Jay. It was still Jay, though. Sure, Kevin wouldn't claim to exact feel comfortable around the wings, especially when they gleamed the way they did, but Jay was Jay. "You think Ah can't remember how you were? Ah remember what you looked like. It was a lot like how you look now, y'know. And Ah remember what you felt like. Can remember your skin under my hands and your wings wrapped around us while we were asleep back when for a little while we didn't need something to protect you from me." There was emphasis on that last word.
This was going wrong. The direction things were headed in, that he'd put them in, wasn't going to help any. Kevin shifted gears to try to at least stop things from going somewhere neither of them likely could deal with right now. "Ah came back to see Yvette. She was in a play, it was important, and she doesn't have family. Ah wanted to be there. Ah didn't come to haunt you. She made it clear you wanted nothin' to do with me so Ah wasn't planning on doin' anythin' but givin' you your guitar back. You didn't have to open the door. There's a reason Ah came now and didn't knock. Ah'm tryin' to give you what you want or what you need from me but if you start changin' your mind on what that is then Ah can't do it. So Ah'm just gonna leave you alone, 'cause it's what you need me to do." Even if it wasn't what he wanted to do and that was abundantly clear from his tone and the way he looked at Jay. Every moment he reminded himself that Jay wasn't his even if it hadn't been said yet. Jay wasn't his and all the things he kept himself from doing in the here and now he had to continue to not do because he had no right to go and force things on Jay that he wanted to avoid or ignore or walk away from. But it was hard and Kevin really wasn't strong enough to hold out forever.
To Jay, it was a stupid question and he let his hand slip from the shoulder, knowing it wasn't welcomed. He didn't know how to explain to Kevin that he just needed not to deal with them as a whole right now. He knew it wouldn't be well received and just as he thought that, Kevin confirmed with his reaction. "Kev, you just need to like, stop for a second, all right? Ah wanna but Ah can't." He stopped himself from telling Kevin this wasn't going to work because he knew it was hurtful and the last time he'd said it, they went sour very fast. "Ah couldn't see you before cause Ah wasn't ready, Ah wasn't. Ah was just trying to get through stuff and now that you're here, Ah don't.. Ah don't think.." Ah don't wanna let you go "Ah just... Maybe we just need to figure stuff out." He knew how that sounded and bowed his head,shuffling a bare foot on the floor, trying to sort through his wording. He'd never been good with words, explaining things, or even trying to not screw up what he was trying to say, but somehow, he always managed to do it regardless.
"Ah need you in mah life," he said finally in a matter of fact tone that didn't leave a whole lot of room for debate. "Ah don't know how else to say it. Right now, like how we are, we work better as friends." Even as he said it, a sharp pain hit him in his chest, an ache he was all too familiar with Kevin. Apart of him wished he hadn't said it because it killed him to say it and he let his head fall back, biting his lip again before he looked down at Kevin, sighing. "Ah'm broke right now Kev and," he shook his head. "And Ah ain't doin' you any favours by lettin' you think Ah'm stringin' you along like that. Ah need you in mah life as mah friend while Ah'm trying to rebuild mah life." He could offer very little comfort and got very little in return, knowing he would regret this decision, but it was the best one between them. The fact was, they were never healthy as a couple, never satisfied and it only hurt them more to be together like that. Jay would always need more and he knew Kevin couldn't provide it. Not as a lover.
"Ah'm not stayin', if that's what you think. Ah just came to see 'Vette in her play, hang out with her for a while's all. Ah missed her. So don't start going off thinking you need to say things because you need to deal with something here, you don't. 'Cause Ah ain't gonna be here for much longer." And he probably should have just stayed in California in the first place. Especially given this conversation. Kevin wasn't trying to pressure Jay for anything. Hell, he had intentionally been trying to avoid Jay. He didn't know what Jay thought he was asking him for but Kevin wasn't asking for anything. He didn't feel strung along. It was hard to string someone along when you already had them told you didn't want to see them. Though the friends thing stung, maybe more because he hadn't been trying to press for anything.
Kevin took a step back, then another and another until his back was against the wall behind him. He let his hair fall down in front of his face to mask the expression on it as his head dropped a little. He wasn't sure what the expression was but he was sure Jay wasn't going to like it. "You can't, Jay. Ah told you before Ah can't be your friend. You kept refusin' to believe it then and maybe you'll refuse to believe it this time but Ah can't do it. You got plenty of friends to help you with this, but Ah ain't gonna be one of 'em. Ain't possible's all. It's not an ultimatum, Jay, and maybe you thought that last time but it's just the truth. Ah ain't capable of it." He looked up at the blue face of the only person he'd ever loved and he knew it was true, Kevin wasn't capable of just friendship between them and he never would be. Once he thought with enough time and space from their relationship he could manage it but now he was sure he couldn't, not now or ever.
"For the record, Ah don't think you're broken. Ah think you just got wounded worse'n you're used to. Wounds heal faster than breaks. Sometimes breaks never heal at all, but you're stronger than for this to be a break. Even if you don't realize it." Kevin shook his head to himself as he cut off that line of conversation and took a step to the side, increasing the distance between them. "You never could make a decision and stick it unless it was music or bartendin', y'know. Always scared of makin' the wrong decision so you keep going back and forth between two or whatever. But you made the decision here when you said you didn't wanna see me and you reinforced it the other day. You don't get to take it back and say you wanna be my friend now, and you don't get to go back and forth on whether or not that's true this time like you did last time. Least this time when Ah leave Ah'll have proof you're alive."
Kevin was so frustrating, even at the best of times. He knew this was going the same direction last time. In the face of losing Kevin, Jay flip flopped with his decision. It made him waver back and forth because he didn't want to lose Kevin like that. He wanted them to be friends, hang out, do things together that weren't involving a relationship. Not because he didn't want one but because he couldn't handle it emotionally. It was like a rollercoaster for him and that was definitely not something he needed right at this point in his life. But trying to convey that to another southern stubborn head was nearly impossible, even if he beat it in Kevin. He always felt insecure around his ex, especially when Kevin was headstrong about something like this and he felt his resolve slipping through his fingers.
He didn't feel broken. The broken part was just an excuse, he knew he used it that way to try and make Kevin see why they had to be friends but of course, Kevin didn't buy it. Kevin saw through him easily as he always did and again, Jay fumbled. He could feel this going out of control and he didn't know how to stop it. What should have been an easy conversation, just agreeing to be mutual friends came out as Kevin's ultimatum that he insisted wasn't.
"God Kev, why you gotta be so stubborn all the time? Ah didn't think anything of you comin' here, except that Ah'm wantin mah guitar and hopin' we can be friends. That's it. We never got clear on where we were at or what we were doin'," he knew if he had said nothing, had just acted like Kevin's friend, it would have been accepted but no, he had to go and say something, and in his desperation to keep things good between them, Kevin was slowly building up a wall. Jay closed the distance, that space, between them and he was far more dominating than he ever was. "Ah told you why Ah couldn't see you. Ah wasn't ready. So don't go throwin' that back in mah face." Broken? No, he wasn't broken at all, in fact, he was in a much better frame of mind than he was when he'd returned, but his life was in shambles and he needed to rebuild that without the unhealthy relationship that they were. "Why you always gotta be like this huh? Like you say it ain't an ultimatum but then, what is it?"
If he couldn't keep Kevin as a friend, he'd have to let him go and it was creeping to that point, if not happening already. He'd lose before he would ever win. He always lost with Kevin. "Why can't we just be friends? Ah don't get it." There. He said it. And he was doing his damnest not to regret it.
"It's not an ultimatum because Ah ain't saying you take me or leave me. Ah ain't saying Ah want this or that. Ah'm saying Ah'm going because Ah can't be what you want me to be so the only option that keeps us both sane is to not be nothin' at all. That ain't an ultimatum, Jay. That's makin' a decision and sticking to it." Kevin paused at the way Jay moved, the posture he had about him. He was always the pusher but he wasn't exactly aggressive. Now he was but Kevin wasn't going to give in to it. He sidestepped Jay and moved to the other side of the hallway, reasserting the space between them. Very, very necessary space as far as Kevin was concerned.
"We can't just be friends 'cause we don't know how to just be friends. Or maybe you do and it's just me that don't. Ah can't be your friend, Jay. Why do you not get that? I can't look at you or be near you without wantin' you. And maybe that goes away eventually, but so far it's still there and if it's there Ah can't be your friend 'cause it ain't right and it won't be fair to you. So stop arguing about it and just let it go 'cause Ah remember how fightin' with you always ends and you don't want that so just stop already. We ain't friends, we ain't never gonna be friends and you've got plenty of friends that me not bein' one won't do you any harm, alright?" There was an obvious strain about Kevin, there in his voice, in his eyes, in the set of his shoulders. His hands clenched into fists and he shoved them into his pockets so he'd keep them to himself.
To where Kevin moved, Jay moved as well. He knew the psychology of it behind their steps, the way they always separated from each other to stay away. But he wasn't doing it with the intent of being cruel or trying to be pushy with Kevin, he was trying to make Kevin face him in the way he didn't want to. "So what, do ya think its easy for me to say no? To just stand here and say, hey lets be friends? It ain't easy Kev but its where we're at. Ah still love you," But Ah ain't in love with you, his head chimed back at him. He opted not to say the words, mostly because they weren't true but he knew that Kevin filled in the rest of that on his own accord.
He stopped in his advancements, stopped two feet away from Kevin and brushed a hand over the back of his neck, massaging the strain he felt. "Kev," he sighed. He knew all he had to do to resolve this was kiss Kevin, be with him for a long moment and just let them have what they both wanted. But Jay resisted, knowing this was exactly what he didn't need to clear his head. It would only mess him up more and he was reluctant to take steps back where he'd taken so many forward. "Ah'm your friend whether you want it or not," he said, stepping towards the door, he pushed his back into it and took the handle, closing up his wings and letting them disappear into his spine. "But Ah ain't gonna push you anymore. If you want me so bad, then you can respect where Ah'm comin' from now."
Kevin was mesmerized for a moment when the wings literally just disappeared, sucked up into Jay's back like they no longer existed. He assumed they went into that metal spine on the outside of Jay's back. Once the dazed fascination faded Kevin forced himself to remember what Jay had just said and focus on that. "It ain't that Ah don't respect where you're at. Don't you get that? Ah ain't asking to be your boyfriend. Ah ain't asking to be your anythin'. But Ah just can't be your friend. Sorry, Ah know it's what you want but that's where Ah'm coming from now. Ah know it ain't what you want but," he shrugged, "you're used to not gettin' what you want from me already, aren't ya?"
Shaking his head to clear it, Kevin turned away from Jay so his back faced the other guy. "'Night Jay. Ah hope you manage to rebuild everything you need to. And Ah hope it's stronger'n it was before. Ah'm sorry Ah can't be 'round to help you with that. Ah would be if Ah could be, but Ah just can't. One day you'll understand it, Ah hope." Then, without waiting for a response, he started to walk away down the hall, hands still shoved into his pockets and his eyes on the ground in front of him as he walked.
Jay stood back and watched Kevin turn away from him for the third time that they'd known each other, even though he wanted reassurances that they would be friends, he knew it was all or nothing. A huge part of him didn't want Kevin to leave like this, not after all they'd be through but another part of him held him back, made him linger at the door until the moment passed where he couldn't stop Kevin, nor would he want to. All he could think was that maybe time apart, this separation would bring them closer in time as friends, but that was his own living delusion.
"Bye Kev."
Two days had lapsed. It wasn't because Kevin was prolonging the inevitable. It wasn't because he was particularly busy with his schedule of popping in to see Leo, hanging out with Yvette and working to steadily diminish the pile of metal in the shop. Days had lapsed because he thought it was fair. Maybe he'd misjudged. Maybe what would have been fair would have been to keep an eye on when his ex had left, leave the guitar outside the door and split before Jay would have to be bothered with him. Instead Kevin had given it two days for the memory of their meeting to fade to a duller, more muted place in Jay's memory. It was an effort to help the sting of their accidental collision numb for both of them. Then again, things never quite numbed the way they had ought to between them.
It was late when Kevin finally thought he could get away with it. He hadn't been much bothered to adjust from California time so he'd been up until nearly two or three in the morning and sleeping until noon or later every day since his arrival in New York. It made the half past midnight drop easy to be awake for, at the very least. Kevin padded along the corridors in socks so he didn't disturb any of the residents with more sensitive hearing if he could help it. The familiar door seemed to loom in front of him, growing impossibly large in his mind's eye. Kevin imagined it would open with a gaping mouth and swallow him if he lingered too long, yet he didn't move. He counted heartbeats as he stood there and just stared at the door. Then, for no apparent reason, he just decided it was time to say goodbye and be done with it so he left the guitar case balanced on its side on the floor in front of the door. A moment of thought made him realize it was possible some half-awake or half-drunk person could trip over so he took the time to slide it back until it rested against the door with a very light thud. That was it, the last part he had that he would give back.
The door opened, sliding the guitar inside the dark room but a blue hand caught it before it fell to the ground. Jay opened the door more and took the guitar in, but he was sure that it wasn't the guitar Kevin was worried about. Behind him, his metal wings loomed like a pair of guardians, moving in time to the rise and fall of his chest, taking in a shuddering breath. He was trying to control the impulses he got of a confrontation he'd half expected to be at the door. Not because he had known it was Kevin, but that he had known someone was at the door. Someone who shouldn't be.
The guitar was rested against the wall and he regarded Kevin with a keen eye, cunning in instinct but flickered a moment later, like a switch turning off and the wings visibly relaxed. He was never one for clothing and wouldn't have stood out like this in front of Kevin, not ever but now, he was bare for his ex to see, all except the pyjama bottoms covering him up. He thought to point out that most normal people would come in broad daylight that they would knock or actually give some sign that they were leaving something at the door, but not Kevin, not them. They were made of the night, had always been, rousing in the darkness, watching each other in bed. Kevin knew when not to bother Jay and likewise, Jay knew when not to bother Kevin, though given, he use to push Kevin's boundaries, now, he felt he didn't need to. Nor did he want to.
"Kev," he started, shaking his head with a sigh.
Kevin's brain did that black and white thing it had done days before, seeing Jay in shades of grey because the real colors were all wrong. They weren't bad, they were just wrong. So many things were wrong, really. Dwelling on those things was no good, though. You accepted things and moved on. Easier said than done but Kevin was trying. The greyscale in his mind faded and the blue slowly leeched back into Kevin's vision. It wasn't bad just...new. Kevin was beginning to think he was maybe not such a fan of the concept of new in general. What was wrong with old? What was wrong with familiar? If only the world would just stop for a bit and stop changing things so he could recalibrate, but that would never happen.
He was so busy thinking that Kevin hadn't even realized he'd been staring at the wings. They reminded him of Cessily in a way. Sleek and shining, bouncing any ambient light off of them so they glistened. And they moved. It was hard not to watch them as they mirrored Jay's breathing, a rhythm Kevin was all too familiar with. They begged you to draw nearer but they looked dangerous. These wings were not the safe, feathered wings that had stretched out and occasionally curled around him as the pair had slept together months ago. These were menacing despite their beauty, cruel and cold and they matched Jay in a way that Kevin found unsettling.
The artist forced his attention away from the wings and to the yellow eyes peering at him. Did Jay realize how distracting he was when he was like that? Suddenly Kevin missed that black hoodie. "You didn't want to see me," Kevin reminded Jay in a voice more quiet than usual due to the hour and his position outside of people's doors. "Ah didn't wanna bug you. That's all. Figured you'd get what you wanted in the morning instead." Though he wasn't really sure what he had done to earn Jay shaking his head at him like that. And he wasn't sure why Jay was still using a nickname when he wanted to avoid the guy. Nicknames denoted fondness, avoidance was pretty much the opposite of that. The cruelly beautiful wings were less confusing than the person they were attached to.
"God Kev, you're worse than Paige," Jay scolded though his tone was quiet, affectionate and he ducked his wings under the door frame, turning slightly to close the door quietly. He didn't want to wake Dani. The door knob clicked shut and he turned around only to see Kevin staring at him with some fascination, similar to Forge. One was an artist, the other a mechanical genius but both had the starry eyed, faraway look, taking in every detail that they possibly could. There was a hunger there with Kevin though, one that couldn't be satisfied with just a single night of taking his ex in. He could see that Kevin wanted to absorb the details faster, burn them to memory so he could rewrite them through a rendition of what he saw before him. It was just that it embarrassed Jay and he ran a hand through his hair, flustered at the attention.
"Don't be silly, course Ah wanna see you." He just wasn't expecting it the other day and the sudden weight of Kevin's arrival had momentarily turned over Jay's world. It'd hurt to see Kevin then, only because he hadn't mentally been prepared for it, putting off dealing with that part of his life for a time. "Thanks for returnin' the guitar," he nodded, looking down at the floor. Despite his sheepish behaviour, his body hadn't withdrawn completely but Jay ignored that and the obvious of what it did to him. Kevin had seen it enough that they were past stuff like that. Or at least that was what he told himself, smirking faintly.
He was in a much better frame of mind, that two days allowing for him to accept, adapt and be okay with them, but it meant that he had to let go to a certain degree of their relationship. Or at least that's what he wanted when he was away from Kevin. It was a whole other story when Kevin was standing before him, his eyes crawling over every aspect, nook and cranny of his body. "Kev," he started again, tilting his head up and bit his lip, trying not to make his discomfort so obvious. "Kev, you're starin'..."
"Sorry." The word was mumbled even though Kevin rarely, if ever, mumbled at all and he didn't sound particularly apologetic... He immediately dropped his eyes but now that he wasn't staring at Jay his brain was replaying that flash of Jay's back. Spine's supposed to be on the inside, he thought, the image blazing back into his brain. Trying to force the image he was having tunnel vision with out of his mind, Kevin focused back on what was in front of him. Though what was in front of him was staring back and pants didn't make that shape of their own accord. Right, staring's not so rude if you stare higher up," he told himself and looked back up at Jay's eyes.
The need to put his own thoughts out of his mind forced words to his lips before he could edit what they were saying. "Was part of being blue turning bipolar or gettin' multiple personalities or somethin'? 'Cause Yvette was all 'bout how you didn't want to see me or have anything to do with me even when Ah was gonna come back 'cause you ended up bein' found alive. And then the other day... and now you say you wanna see me? Look, sorry, but could ya make up your mind or somethin' already? Ah'm just not complicated enough for the hot and cold here. Go hot or go cold but pick one so Ah can acclimate already." Maybe that wasn't the best idea but now the words were out and he couldn't exactly take them back. Kevin's face remained defiant but he cringed inwardly at the things he'd just said.
Jay looked down and his face tightened at the words. "You think Ah wanted to see you the other day, wanted you to see me like this? Look again Kev, cause this ain't what Ah wanted between us. Ah didn't want you to see me like this," he explained. "Ah wanted you to remember me the way Ah was, not the way Ah am, but you just can't stay away, yanno? And now you're lookin' at me like this and it's confusin'. Like when you weren't here, Ah knew what Ah wanted. Ah was okay with all this, but with you here, it threw me off a bit. So, like, Ah'm tryin' to figure out if Ah can handle you here, starin at me like that, or am Ah gonna have to let you go, tell you to bugger off and be done with it?" he ran a hand over his eye, and raked it through his hair, unable to break that habit, especially when he was around Kevin. He just seemed to do it more.
It didn't help him any that Kevin's eyes fixed themselves on certain aspects of his body. "Look," he said with a sigh, placing a hand on his side and ran his hand down his face. Finding the right words for Kevin was almost impossible. He knew whatever he would say would be taken the wrong way, either one dramatic way or another. He just didn't know where to go with it at this point. "Ah'm dealing with too much right now," he said honestly. "It's wearin' me down but Ah don't want you to take off again and not hear from me." He reached out, curled his hand in hesitation and then slowly paced it on Kevin's shoulder, squeezing it affectionately. He wanted Kevin to know that he was important, that Jay wanted him in his life but that he didn't know how to find the words to tell him that without making it complicated between them, so instead, he opted to say nothing, but let the voice in his expression speak for him.
Kevin gave Jay a long, unblinking, vacant look. The expression didn't change when he finally spoke and he didn't pull away from the hand on his shoulder though he ignored it. "What's wrong with the way you look?" Maybe it was a stupid question but it was obvious from the way he said it that Kevin had meant it. Yeah, he kept thinking it was wrong but it wasn't bad, it was just misplaced. It was like someone else's skin had been put on Jay. It was still Jay, though. Sure, Kevin wouldn't claim to exact feel comfortable around the wings, especially when they gleamed the way they did, but Jay was Jay. "You think Ah can't remember how you were? Ah remember what you looked like. It was a lot like how you look now, y'know. And Ah remember what you felt like. Can remember your skin under my hands and your wings wrapped around us while we were asleep back when for a little while we didn't need something to protect you from me." There was emphasis on that last word.
This was going wrong. The direction things were headed in, that he'd put them in, wasn't going to help any. Kevin shifted gears to try to at least stop things from going somewhere neither of them likely could deal with right now. "Ah came back to see Yvette. She was in a play, it was important, and she doesn't have family. Ah wanted to be there. Ah didn't come to haunt you. She made it clear you wanted nothin' to do with me so Ah wasn't planning on doin' anythin' but givin' you your guitar back. You didn't have to open the door. There's a reason Ah came now and didn't knock. Ah'm tryin' to give you what you want or what you need from me but if you start changin' your mind on what that is then Ah can't do it. So Ah'm just gonna leave you alone, 'cause it's what you need me to do." Even if it wasn't what he wanted to do and that was abundantly clear from his tone and the way he looked at Jay. Every moment he reminded himself that Jay wasn't his even if it hadn't been said yet. Jay wasn't his and all the things he kept himself from doing in the here and now he had to continue to not do because he had no right to go and force things on Jay that he wanted to avoid or ignore or walk away from. But it was hard and Kevin really wasn't strong enough to hold out forever.
To Jay, it was a stupid question and he let his hand slip from the shoulder, knowing it wasn't welcomed. He didn't know how to explain to Kevin that he just needed not to deal with them as a whole right now. He knew it wouldn't be well received and just as he thought that, Kevin confirmed with his reaction. "Kev, you just need to like, stop for a second, all right? Ah wanna but Ah can't." He stopped himself from telling Kevin this wasn't going to work because he knew it was hurtful and the last time he'd said it, they went sour very fast. "Ah couldn't see you before cause Ah wasn't ready, Ah wasn't. Ah was just trying to get through stuff and now that you're here, Ah don't.. Ah don't think.." Ah don't wanna let you go "Ah just... Maybe we just need to figure stuff out." He knew how that sounded and bowed his head,shuffling a bare foot on the floor, trying to sort through his wording. He'd never been good with words, explaining things, or even trying to not screw up what he was trying to say, but somehow, he always managed to do it regardless.
"Ah need you in mah life," he said finally in a matter of fact tone that didn't leave a whole lot of room for debate. "Ah don't know how else to say it. Right now, like how we are, we work better as friends." Even as he said it, a sharp pain hit him in his chest, an ache he was all too familiar with Kevin. Apart of him wished he hadn't said it because it killed him to say it and he let his head fall back, biting his lip again before he looked down at Kevin, sighing. "Ah'm broke right now Kev and," he shook his head. "And Ah ain't doin' you any favours by lettin' you think Ah'm stringin' you along like that. Ah need you in mah life as mah friend while Ah'm trying to rebuild mah life." He could offer very little comfort and got very little in return, knowing he would regret this decision, but it was the best one between them. The fact was, they were never healthy as a couple, never satisfied and it only hurt them more to be together like that. Jay would always need more and he knew Kevin couldn't provide it. Not as a lover.
"Ah'm not stayin', if that's what you think. Ah just came to see 'Vette in her play, hang out with her for a while's all. Ah missed her. So don't start going off thinking you need to say things because you need to deal with something here, you don't. 'Cause Ah ain't gonna be here for much longer." And he probably should have just stayed in California in the first place. Especially given this conversation. Kevin wasn't trying to pressure Jay for anything. Hell, he had intentionally been trying to avoid Jay. He didn't know what Jay thought he was asking him for but Kevin wasn't asking for anything. He didn't feel strung along. It was hard to string someone along when you already had them told you didn't want to see them. Though the friends thing stung, maybe more because he hadn't been trying to press for anything.
Kevin took a step back, then another and another until his back was against the wall behind him. He let his hair fall down in front of his face to mask the expression on it as his head dropped a little. He wasn't sure what the expression was but he was sure Jay wasn't going to like it. "You can't, Jay. Ah told you before Ah can't be your friend. You kept refusin' to believe it then and maybe you'll refuse to believe it this time but Ah can't do it. You got plenty of friends to help you with this, but Ah ain't gonna be one of 'em. Ain't possible's all. It's not an ultimatum, Jay, and maybe you thought that last time but it's just the truth. Ah ain't capable of it." He looked up at the blue face of the only person he'd ever loved and he knew it was true, Kevin wasn't capable of just friendship between them and he never would be. Once he thought with enough time and space from their relationship he could manage it but now he was sure he couldn't, not now or ever.
"For the record, Ah don't think you're broken. Ah think you just got wounded worse'n you're used to. Wounds heal faster than breaks. Sometimes breaks never heal at all, but you're stronger than for this to be a break. Even if you don't realize it." Kevin shook his head to himself as he cut off that line of conversation and took a step to the side, increasing the distance between them. "You never could make a decision and stick it unless it was music or bartendin', y'know. Always scared of makin' the wrong decision so you keep going back and forth between two or whatever. But you made the decision here when you said you didn't wanna see me and you reinforced it the other day. You don't get to take it back and say you wanna be my friend now, and you don't get to go back and forth on whether or not that's true this time like you did last time. Least this time when Ah leave Ah'll have proof you're alive."
Kevin was so frustrating, even at the best of times. He knew this was going the same direction last time. In the face of losing Kevin, Jay flip flopped with his decision. It made him waver back and forth because he didn't want to lose Kevin like that. He wanted them to be friends, hang out, do things together that weren't involving a relationship. Not because he didn't want one but because he couldn't handle it emotionally. It was like a rollercoaster for him and that was definitely not something he needed right at this point in his life. But trying to convey that to another southern stubborn head was nearly impossible, even if he beat it in Kevin. He always felt insecure around his ex, especially when Kevin was headstrong about something like this and he felt his resolve slipping through his fingers.
He didn't feel broken. The broken part was just an excuse, he knew he used it that way to try and make Kevin see why they had to be friends but of course, Kevin didn't buy it. Kevin saw through him easily as he always did and again, Jay fumbled. He could feel this going out of control and he didn't know how to stop it. What should have been an easy conversation, just agreeing to be mutual friends came out as Kevin's ultimatum that he insisted wasn't.
"God Kev, why you gotta be so stubborn all the time? Ah didn't think anything of you comin' here, except that Ah'm wantin mah guitar and hopin' we can be friends. That's it. We never got clear on where we were at or what we were doin'," he knew if he had said nothing, had just acted like Kevin's friend, it would have been accepted but no, he had to go and say something, and in his desperation to keep things good between them, Kevin was slowly building up a wall. Jay closed the distance, that space, between them and he was far more dominating than he ever was. "Ah told you why Ah couldn't see you. Ah wasn't ready. So don't go throwin' that back in mah face." Broken? No, he wasn't broken at all, in fact, he was in a much better frame of mind than he was when he'd returned, but his life was in shambles and he needed to rebuild that without the unhealthy relationship that they were. "Why you always gotta be like this huh? Like you say it ain't an ultimatum but then, what is it?"
If he couldn't keep Kevin as a friend, he'd have to let him go and it was creeping to that point, if not happening already. He'd lose before he would ever win. He always lost with Kevin. "Why can't we just be friends? Ah don't get it." There. He said it. And he was doing his damnest not to regret it.
"It's not an ultimatum because Ah ain't saying you take me or leave me. Ah ain't saying Ah want this or that. Ah'm saying Ah'm going because Ah can't be what you want me to be so the only option that keeps us both sane is to not be nothin' at all. That ain't an ultimatum, Jay. That's makin' a decision and sticking to it." Kevin paused at the way Jay moved, the posture he had about him. He was always the pusher but he wasn't exactly aggressive. Now he was but Kevin wasn't going to give in to it. He sidestepped Jay and moved to the other side of the hallway, reasserting the space between them. Very, very necessary space as far as Kevin was concerned.
"We can't just be friends 'cause we don't know how to just be friends. Or maybe you do and it's just me that don't. Ah can't be your friend, Jay. Why do you not get that? I can't look at you or be near you without wantin' you. And maybe that goes away eventually, but so far it's still there and if it's there Ah can't be your friend 'cause it ain't right and it won't be fair to you. So stop arguing about it and just let it go 'cause Ah remember how fightin' with you always ends and you don't want that so just stop already. We ain't friends, we ain't never gonna be friends and you've got plenty of friends that me not bein' one won't do you any harm, alright?" There was an obvious strain about Kevin, there in his voice, in his eyes, in the set of his shoulders. His hands clenched into fists and he shoved them into his pockets so he'd keep them to himself.
To where Kevin moved, Jay moved as well. He knew the psychology of it behind their steps, the way they always separated from each other to stay away. But he wasn't doing it with the intent of being cruel or trying to be pushy with Kevin, he was trying to make Kevin face him in the way he didn't want to. "So what, do ya think its easy for me to say no? To just stand here and say, hey lets be friends? It ain't easy Kev but its where we're at. Ah still love you," But Ah ain't in love with you, his head chimed back at him. He opted not to say the words, mostly because they weren't true but he knew that Kevin filled in the rest of that on his own accord.
He stopped in his advancements, stopped two feet away from Kevin and brushed a hand over the back of his neck, massaging the strain he felt. "Kev," he sighed. He knew all he had to do to resolve this was kiss Kevin, be with him for a long moment and just let them have what they both wanted. But Jay resisted, knowing this was exactly what he didn't need to clear his head. It would only mess him up more and he was reluctant to take steps back where he'd taken so many forward. "Ah'm your friend whether you want it or not," he said, stepping towards the door, he pushed his back into it and took the handle, closing up his wings and letting them disappear into his spine. "But Ah ain't gonna push you anymore. If you want me so bad, then you can respect where Ah'm comin' from now."
Kevin was mesmerized for a moment when the wings literally just disappeared, sucked up into Jay's back like they no longer existed. He assumed they went into that metal spine on the outside of Jay's back. Once the dazed fascination faded Kevin forced himself to remember what Jay had just said and focus on that. "It ain't that Ah don't respect where you're at. Don't you get that? Ah ain't asking to be your boyfriend. Ah ain't asking to be your anythin'. But Ah just can't be your friend. Sorry, Ah know it's what you want but that's where Ah'm coming from now. Ah know it ain't what you want but," he shrugged, "you're used to not gettin' what you want from me already, aren't ya?"
Shaking his head to clear it, Kevin turned away from Jay so his back faced the other guy. "'Night Jay. Ah hope you manage to rebuild everything you need to. And Ah hope it's stronger'n it was before. Ah'm sorry Ah can't be 'round to help you with that. Ah would be if Ah could be, but Ah just can't. One day you'll understand it, Ah hope." Then, without waiting for a response, he started to walk away down the hall, hands still shoved into his pockets and his eyes on the ground in front of him as he walked.
Jay stood back and watched Kevin turn away from him for the third time that they'd known each other, even though he wanted reassurances that they would be friends, he knew it was all or nothing. A huge part of him didn't want Kevin to leave like this, not after all they'd be through but another part of him held him back, made him linger at the door until the moment passed where he couldn't stop Kevin, nor would he want to. All he could think was that maybe time apart, this separation would bring them closer in time as friends, but that was his own living delusion.
"Bye Kev."
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