Jean-Paul and Nathan - backdated to afternoon 4/11/09

[x-cynosure.livejournal.com]

Jean-Paul continues to unwind on Muir and brings up the idea of counseling to Nate.



"You would have been entirely too amused by Dom taunting Gavin again," Nathan said, his lips twitching in a smile. "I certainly was. The evil sense of humor is remarkably intact, given what a shitty several months it's been." The smile faded, and Nathan reached out, tugging a bit of moss away from the inscription on the gravestone. "Wish you were here, GW," he said. "I could use the advice. You were always good at helping me pick up the pieces when things went to hell."

There were patches of blue sky visible, although the clouds were still thick and dark, threatening rain. Not untypical April weather for Muir, although he appreciated the hint of sunlight. Nathan meticulously cleaned the rest of the gravestone, making a mental note to do it for Kevin's as well before he went back up to the castle.

The familiar mental signature that had been ghosting around Muir's shoreline was suddenly much closer, its owner arriving at the cemetery plot in a spray of stony earth as he hit the brakes, apparently surprised by Nate's presence.

"Ah. I can leave," Jean-Paul volunteered quietly.

"It's okay," Nathan said peaceably, rising and wincing slightly at the twinge in his hip. Was that ever going to go away? "I tend to wander down here and talk to him on a regular basis. Old habits die hard, I guess."

"Brave man." Jean-Paul moved in to offer a hand up, but Nate seemed to have that covered. "I never made much of a habit of visiting graves, save on special occasions."

"I don't make a habit of visiting most graves. But GW never seems very far away, here." Nathan was quiet for a moment as they left the little cemetery, wandering as if by mutual consent towards the bluffs. "He was always very good about helping me through the really hard times. I never figured out how someone with his background managed to be quite that empathetic."

"He did it just to keep you off guard, I'm sure." Jean-Paul's words were delivered without a smile or a hint of the benign deviltry that always seemed lurking under his skin when he was around Nate. There hadn't been much of that since his arrival. "It helps to have that kind of thing in store, for when people least expect it."

Nathan gave him a sideways look, but his voice was calm, almost conversational as he continued. "I suppose. Out getting a better look at the island?"

"More the ocean. There is hardly any beach here...rock, then water. Not much buffer. It makes for a very distinct sound when the waves hit. Then I caught sight of the headstones and went to go see who else was around."

"The sea's moderately calm today, too. You should see it in heavier weather. Well," Nathan amended, "you probably will, if you stay for a while longer. The weather is unpredictable at this time of year." He eyed Jean-Paul again. "I somehow don't think you'd mind being stormbound for a while."

Jean-Paul snorted quietly. "Familiar people and unfamiliar places. I would be hard-pressed to do better. I do not mind if it is rain rather than snow that nails my feet to the floor." He kicked idly at a few pebbles in the path. "I keep waiting for someone to say something. About Ernst. About Raymonde. To turn on the news or open a paper and see the court of public opinion tearing it to bits."

"It hasn't yet," Nathan pointed out. "It may not."

"I do not think it will. The police were very good at keeping the matter quiet. I simply got used to living in a fishbowl early on, with the skiing, with Alpha Flight. It is hard to relax like that." He glanced over at Nate. "Having people I do not loathe around while I am trying to figure out what to do...that is another new thing. I am glad for it."

"Well, I'm glad we can be here," Nathan said, stressing the 'we', just to remind him that there was support coming from a number of directions here on Muir. Although he wasn't sure what to think about how well Moira and Jean-Paul seemed to get along. It was vaguely disturbing.

"I did say 'people'." Another minute of silence as they crunched over the grass still stubby from the winter cold. "Does talking to a counselor help you so much?" There was fresh tension beneath Jean-Paul's skin, though his voice remained even.

"It's not a question of help. More of what I need to be functional," Nathan said after a moment. "I didn't really know who I was, after I left Mistra. There were reactions, patterns of behaviour that wouldn't have been sustainable in the long-term."

Jean-Paul laughed weakly, reflexively retreating from the idea. "I have made it forty years so far. Maybe my problems are not so bad as all of that, hm? This is all still fresh. Perhaps I just need to let it scab over."

Nathan gave a somewhat derisive snort. "Keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope it'll go away, huh? That's a recipe for post-traumatic stress. The problem with letting it scab over is that all the poison stays in there."

Jean-Paul wanted to argue the point, but he knew he wouldn't have even brought the matter up if he didn't feel his grip slipping. "Work helps. The border collie routine helps. I still feel as if I am treating symptoms most days, not the disease. I do not want to spend another forty doing that. I suppose I have gotten back to my old standards -- 'good enough' is not cutting it these days."

"Something Moira told me, back when I first started seeing Jack Leary, is that I didn't have to settle for just getting by. How much can you actually enjoy your life," Nathan said quietly, "if you can feel how thin the ice is?"

"It depends on where your enjoyment comes from, and if you think you are allowed to enjoy your life. I used to get quite a lot of satisfaction just putting one foot in front of the other. It meant that I was still beating out everyone who had ever tried to break me. I am surprised at how long that held out." A cold gust of wind right off of the sea plowed past them and Jean-Paul bowed into it to keep his feet. "When I got near the end of my rope on that, I tried filling the gap left with a person. With a duty. That...did not work out so well. I will not do that again. Not with you. Not with the students. It is too easy to drag others down along side when you start to fall."

"This might be a good time to think about getting some advice as to how to make sure you don't do that again," Nathan said. "The good thing about someone like Jack Leary is that he's well and truly outside your life. The objective observer can often help you gain the perspective you're missing."

"If I can let go of the idea that no one knows what is better for my life than me. You would think being able to identify the problem would make it easier to get over it."

Nathan smiled a little. "I think you'd be surprised by just how little you get told, in a session with your friendly neighborhood shrink," he said. "The name of the game is usually coming to your own conclusions. Although I will admit that I still roll my eyes at Jack when he answers a question with another question."