[log] Marie, Doug: "And the head-on collision we passed on the road..."

[x-rogue.livejournal.com]

Marie insists on talking to Doug about his drunkmail.


Marie pushed the door to Miles and Artie's room open and ushered them inside. "Thank you for a lovely evening, gentlemen," she said with good humour. "I hope we can do it again some time."

"You're welcome, Miss Marie," Miles chirped and next to him, Artie made the 'thank you' sign. "Thank you too," Miles added politely.

Marie knelt down and hugged both boys to her tightly, habit keeping her from touching either of them with her cheek as she did. "It was just what I needed." She kissed each of them on the head. "Now, off you go to finish homework and get ready for bed."

Doug heard the small group enter the room, and hunched down even farther in his office chair, heart racing at the thought of talking to Marie after his drunken emailing after the clubbing trip.

Marie straightened and caught sight of Doug. "Hi," she said, just loudly enough that he couldn't ignore her.

Doug jerked as if struck, still avoiding looking around. "Hello, Marie," he said softly. "Have fun at Harry's?" He missed the confused looks Artie and Miles were exchanging, as the awkwardness in his tone was palpable.

"Yes, we had a great time. Can I speak to you for a moment, Doug? Why don't you come down to my room and talk to me." She wasn't about to let that email go. At the least, they were going to agree that it was just his drunken ramblings. From Doug's reaction, though, Marie didn't hold much hope of that. "I'll leave the door open. I'll see you two later," she said to Miles and Artie, giving them a wave as she left.

Doug leaned his head down on his hands and sighed deeply. Miles and Artie came over to look at him. "Is Doug okay?" asked Miles. Artie, for his part made the sign he had created to mean "cooties". Doug chuckled and ruffled Artie's hair. "It's a little more complicated than that, little buddy. Anyways, I better go talk to her." Pushing back from his chair, he walked slowly down the hall, feeling a bit like a condemned man headed to his execution. He tapped hesitantly at Marie's door, which had been left ajar.

"Come on in." Marie was curled up in her computer chair at the dining table, shaking her head over Cain's comments about Scott in her journal.

Doug entered just inside the door and ran a nervous hand through his hair before jamming both hands in his pockets and hunching his shoulders. "Um, hi." He kept his eyes on the floor.

"You can close the door," Marie said, turning herself around to look at him. She was dressed in black jeans and a silver shirt, rolled up to show her long, sheer black gloves. She watched him, chin in her hand, looking pensive and sad.

Doug shivered at the view of the long gloves. They looked almost exactly like what she had been wearing last night in his...he shook his head angrily and quashed that memory. Turning, he slowly shut the door, then just as slowly turned back to face Marie, eyes fixed on her lips, unwilling to meet her gaze. His back straightened a little, the false bravado of a man staring down the barrel of a gun.

"I'm sorry too," she said simply. "I was rather hoping it was just drunken babble but it didn't quite feel like it and I don't think, looking at you, that it is at all, is it?"

Doug's posture collapsed into a defeated stance. He'd been dreading this ever since seeing Marie's post and opening his email outbox to discover the things he'd said. "I...no. It's not," he murmured almost inaudibly. "And I...don't have any excuse. I shouldn't have said any of it."

"I'm kind of glad you did," Marie said. "It helps if I know how bad it is. I am sorry and I'd be more sympathetic and offer to comfort you but I think I'd only make it all worse." She wrapped her arms around her knees and bit her lip. "I want to, but I probably shouldn't, and I don't want to seem heartless, but..."

Doug's eyes brimmed up at the pain in Marie's voice. "No, Marie, I...I don't blame you. I promise. I blame myself. I'm the one who can't let go of these feelings, I'm the one who went out and got smashed and wrote down all the things I shouldn't have said. It's _my_ fault, and I've been afraid to speak to you today because of it."

"Why?" Marie stood up suddenly and her chair went bumping backward. "...oh, god, I'm the last person to be asking something like that but... I know /my/ reasons."

Doug shook his head, confused. "Why what? Your reasons for what?"

"Why can't you let it go? I..." She tugged at her hair. "It's just /me/. I've never done anything special. Half the time you've been here, I've been scarred up and locked up in medlab or therapy. And... maybe I don't want to hear your reasons because they won't make sense to me. But what you want, it can't happen."

Doug shook his head sadly. "What can and can't happen don't really enter into it. I don't know why I can't let it go. And I'm so sorry that I can't, because I feel like all I wind up doing because of it is hurting you."

"You're hurting you too." Marie held her hand out to him. "And I hate that. It wouldn't hurt me if I didn't know it hurt you."

Doug started to reach out a hand, then it flexed and shivered as it got close to hers. "I'm sorry. I can't seem to avoid apologizing, but I'm sorry."

Marie let her hand drop and stood there looking at him for a long moment. "We're both sorry. It doesn't mean shit, does it? What's going to /fix/ this, Doug? I can accept that you feel this way about me. I can. And I guess I have to accept that it's going to hurt you, because that's how it is. I guess I'll learn to live with it."

"I don't..." Doug pinched his nose. "I don't have any good answers for you. I wish I did. I wish a lot of things. I wish that things were different. I wish that I hadn't gone to that damn club. I wish I hadn't let Amanda talk me into drinking. I wish I hadn't written that email." ~I wish I didn't keep having these damn dreams about you.~ He chuckled self-mockingly. "But if wishes were horses and all that."

"If wishes worked, we wouldn't be /talking/ right now, I don't think," Marie said bluntly, crossing her arms over her chest. "Are we still going to be able to be friends?"

"I don't know. I _want_ to still be friends. I did miss you this weekend. I missed talking to you. I just don't know how to fix this." He looked up to meet Marie's eyes, his heart in them. "Please help me fix this?"

"Be honest with me," she said. "Don't hide it, don't put up a front with me. You said you were tired of it. Quit doing it. If I'm your friend, then you don't need a facade with me."

Doug sighed. "Can you handle that? Can you be friends with me, knowing that there's at least that little part of me that's still wishing for more?"

"I'll manage," Marie said quietly. "If I can't, I'll let you know. But it's not like you're looking like letting go of it any time soon and I hate pretending."

"So do I," Doug replied quietly.

"You do that for me, I'll do the same for you," Marie promised. "No facade. And maybe then... we'll see what comes of it."

Doug nodded. "No facade. Okay." He sat down heavily one of Marie's chairs and wrapped his arms around himself, struggling to keep from crying, and trying to keep his voice level. "I was so s-scared I was going to lose you over t-this." He sniffled.

Marie sighed and walked over to sit on the arm of the chair. She ran her fingers lightly through his hair. "People don't lose me over telling the truth, Doug."

Doug shivered at the feel of Marie's fingers in his hair. "I...was just so scared."

"I know. But I don't dump friends, Doug. I value what I have way too much."

Doug leaned his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. "I value you too, E-Em." He breathed out at using the familiar nickname, that he hadn't felt like had the right to use after so spectacularly screwing things up.

"You're such a good person, Doug." Marie sounded a little sad, but she was smiling at him. "It's going to be okay. We'll get through this."

Doug sat quietly, just enjoying Marie's friendship after a day spent worrying himself over whether or not she'd even speak to him again.

Marie sat there in silence with Doug for a while, running her fingers through his hair, soothing. "I've got work to do," she said at last. "And I want to see Logan before it gets late," she added honestly.

Doug tried to remain calm at Marie's fingers in his hair, and nodded. "I hope you two had a good time. And that you got what you needed out of it."

"I did. And we did. It was perfect."

Doug smiled, almost naturally. "Good. Tell him I said hello." He opened the door quietly. "Thanks for understanding, Em."

"I will. I'm trying, Doug. You're too good a friend to lose." She joined him at the door and plucked the 'available' sign from the corkboard, tucking it away in the envelope she kept pinned up to hold her standard little messages.

Doug smiled. "You too, Em." He quietly padded off down the hall.