xp_logs | Jay & Jack Leary

Jay and Jack have another weekly session and Jay tries to over come a road block about what he should be doing at this point.

He didn't want to sit, nor did he like sitting because it was this time where his wings lingered out against his will, looming overhead as though the pair were listening to his everyword. Jay's butt was fixed permanently onto the backing of the chair while his feet were on the soft cushion, elbows leaning on knees and fingers linked in front of him.

"Ah feel like the third wheel of the house, only Ah reckon Ah'm flat so no one wants me." Useless. That's what he felt, though conveying that was as difficult as getting dirt out of the nose. "Ah mean, Ah felt useless before but now? Now Ah feel like Ah could be wall paper or somethin', even when Ah'm back at Red X."

"I'm glad to hear you use the phrase "I feel," Jack said after a short silence had filled the room. "Because that means you recognize it's the way you perceive yourself, not necessarily what reality reflects."

He wasn't sure he understood and his expression said as much. "Ah ain't without some feelin' or nuttin. Ah just, Ah dunno." He slouched in the chair and could feel the bite of the metal in his back, a subtle reminder to ease the strain off his spine, like his wings were the ones telling him to do so. Rubbing his hand over his eyes, he raked his fingers through his hair from there, blowing out a sigh of frustration.

"Dani feels the same way, Ah reckon. Stressed and burnt out. We ain't doin' nuttin' right now, neither of us. She went to Caymen Islands awhile ago but she ain't said a word about it."

"When was the last time you felt like you were doing something?" Jack asked.

"Ah dunno," Jay replied, scratching his chest. "Ah--" he paused and silence stretched between them before he opening his mouth to answer. But there was no answer to give. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and ran his hand through his hair again. "Ah dunno. When Ah applied to Silver maybe? Ah would say school but then Ah got sick and then this," he gestured, waving his hand in the air before letting it flop down. His shoulders sagged and his entire disposition dropped, realizing that there was nothing he had been doing of importance, in his life or even around it.

"I have a hard time believing that," Jack said, shifting slightly in his seat. "I'm wondering what doing something means to you. Saving the world? Being a good friend? Feeling productive?"

"Ah dunno." He seemed to be saying that a lot with Jack lately. "Bein' successful, Ah think. Ah wanted to be the next Toby Keith. Concerts, music. Now Ah'm just a loser with a bad colour palette an' wings."

Jack paused for a moment before responding. "Why is it one or the other? Why successful or a loser? What about all the in between, where 98% of people fall?"

"Cause mah voice was mah mutation. Ah was the other two percent. Now Ah'm in the nintey-eight and don't know nuttin'. Ah work in a bar, university drop out and that ain't exactly how Ah pictured things." Especially not like this. Running his hands through his hair, Jay leaned forward, elbows on knees, making fists. "Ugh, ya just don't get it. No one gets it. It ain't suppose to be this way."

"You're right...I don't get it. You're the only one who can know how much you've lost. But Jay, you have a choice here. Do you want to make the most with what you've got left or keep your focus in the past on what you've lost?"

Running his hand down through his hair again, hooking on his neck and releasing, Jay pushed up from hunching over and sat up brushing a hand over his face. "Ah wanna move on," he replied after a minute. "Ah wanna do somethin' but Ah dunno know what. Ah can't sing n' Ah got no skills, 'cept bartendin'." And he was worried that he was too dominating. It was a reaction that worked at the bar but in regular stores, it didn't work at all.

"On one hand you say you want to move on, but you keep talking about what you can't do with very little focus on what you can. You need to start focusing on the positives or you're just going to stay stuck," Jack replied.

"Cause music was mah passion. It drove me and now Ah don't got nuttin' but RedX n' bartendin'. Kinda makes a man feel a bit on the useless side," he explained. "Ah mean, Ah like bartendin' flare. Always wanted to go into competitions but Ah'm worried, Ah dunno. Ah'm worried they're gonna turn me away cause of all these.. uh.. changes?"

"New York tends to be a pretty accepting place, even of those who don't look normal," Jack said, his hands moving to place the last word in airquotes. "But I want to draw your attention to something else you just said - you say you have nothing, then list two things you do have. And that seems to be what I keep trying to point out to you - you don't have nothing. Nothing would mean no friends, no job...but you have Silver, you have friends, and you even have RedX to give you a humanitarian outlet. You have something."

"Ah know," Jay replied, defeated. "It's just Ah ain't movin' forward. Ah don't wanna bartend mah whole life. Ah dunno. Maybe whatever's suppose to happens gonna happen, right?" He was trying to be positive and it was very hard in light of the current time of the year. "It's just that graduation's gone and Ah'm not registered for next year. Ah'm gonna talk to Jean, see if she can get me some sorta medical leave so they don't eat mah tuition. Ah ain't thought about it til' now. Ah expect Ah'm gonna have to talk to the dean now."

"I'm fairly certain the school will be able to make some arrangement to either allow you to complete the coursework you need. And talking to your academic advisor or the dean would be a good step in figuring out where you go from here," Jack said.

"Ah think Ah'm written down as havin' dropped the courses and it's already really late. Ah waited a whole semester to get a refund. They gonna ask why and be all grabby with mah money. Schools don't like to give refunds, yanno?"

Jack shrugged. "But you never know until you try. If you don't get a refund, it won't be the end of the world...you won't be any worse off than you are right now and maybe better for having finally talked to someone at the university. But if they are willing to give you a credit or refund, you'll definitely be better off. I think you stand more to gain than to lose by trying here."

"Yeah," he replied ina tone that suggested he was only agreeing to be agreeable. He looked down at his hand - the one that had recently grown back - and rubbed the palm. He had told Jack about Kevin, but it was an issue he was sick of talking about. Instead, he struggled to stay on topic, on the one about school, about moving forward despite the considerable steps the blue mutant had taken back. It was times like these with Jack that he could barely convey what he was thinking.